Couples counseling can be an intense experience for both partners. Many people have seen their intimacy grow, their communication improve, and their relationship flourish during therapy. Joint counseling can help people see their strengths and weaknesses, both as individuals and partners.

Yet therapy, especially when it involves a couple, often is fraught with strong feelings and emotions. It also can be time-consuming, expensive, and, at times, painful.

Use the following four questions as a guide to determine if couples counseling is right for you. The answers might be yes, no, or sometimes, all of which are perfectly acceptable. Ideally, the time spent in counseling will challenge and inspire you and your partner to achieve a deeper, more fulfilling level of intimacy and joy.

1. Are you willing to take responsibility for your role in the conflict? Each person has a role to play when conflict arises in a relationship. The willingness to see how each individual contributes to the problem is crucial to being able to find a solution. When a couple comes in for therapy and each partner is able to state areas for improvement, or can admit fault for their mistakes or shortcomings, it’s a great sign that therapy could be beneficial. Even simply being able to wonder about one’s role in conflict is a great start. However, if one person is intent on blaming the other for all the problems, couples therapy will not be productive. Each partner needs to be able to understand his or her own role in the conflict.

   Keep in mind that issues of abuse are a different matter entirely.

2. Are you willing and able to commit to the time and financial and personal investment to see therapy through? Therapy is hard. It can bring up incredibly painful topics. Participants may feel embarrassed that another person is learning very personal details about themselves.

   Therapy also takes time. There is the 50-minute appointment, but also the drive to and from the therapist’s office to consider. Finding the time takes flexibility, and keeping the appointments is crucial. The therapy hour needs to be a priority for each individual, and may require special arrangements, including child care or leaving work early once a week.

   Therapy also is a financial expense, particularly if paid out of pocket. Many people are able to reduce superfluous spending and otherwise cut down on expenses to pay for counseling. If the funds are not available, it may make sense to delay treatment or find help at a low-cost clinic or other resource. Community mental health centers and churches often provide marriage counseling for a free or reduced rate.

3. Are you open to compromise? Just as each person shares responsibility for the problems in the relationship, they must share in the solutions. Compromise is the lifeblood of healthy relationships. If compromise can be achieved with a positive, willing attitude, it can make a huge difference, both in the relationship and in therapy. No one wants to live in a dictatorship.
4. Are you willing to do something different? This is the last and the most important idea to consider. By the time people come to therapy, they’ve tried many things, most of which aren’t working. Their fights consist of the same few arguments that never seem to be resolved.

   When disagreements are predictable to the point of sounding scripted, it’s time to do something different. This is where therapy comes in. A therapist will bring up new ideas, concepts, or suggestions. These suggestions may sound corny, frightening, or like a waste of time. This is where a willingness to try something different is critical. Learning a specific phrase to say when fighting, or using relaxation techniques, or making a point to physically step away from conflict may not sound like it will work, but being willing to try new ways of engaging with a partner is the only way things will change. And change is what therapy is all about.

People often come into therapy with exaggerated hopes of wanting their therapist to ‘fix’ their relationship, solve their problems, or even tell them if they should stay together. This is not the role of a therapist, or of the therapeutic process. Therapy is a process where each individual can learn new skills, gain understanding, and practice communication and conflict resolution in a supportive setting.

Couples often find that the things they have learned through therapy apply not only to their intimate relationships, but to their interactions with friends and relatives, coworkers or even their children. The same communication skills that help partners understand each other can also help when they have a disagreement with their boss or their 15-year-old.

Therapy is an investment in both the individual and the couple. Even if the relationship ends, the skills each person learns will continue to affect their lives. This is the true gift of therapy.

As her mom, I felt helpless. I couldn’t make her pain go away. I couldn’t fix her broken arm. So I simply put my head next to hers, and told her that I was here, and I wouldn’t leave her. That was the mantra I repeated over and over. And it was enough.

We humans break easily.

And I’m not talking simply about bones. Our feelings get hurt. Our self-esteem is fragile. We hurt each other with words and actions. We bully each other, steal from one another, gossip, verbally abuse, and assault those around us. We hurt ourselves by what we do. We cut or burn ourselves, neglect our health, abuse food and drugs, and engage in reckless behavior.

Others abuse us and neglect us. People who should love us hurt us. Sometimes simply getting through one day to the next takes an incredible amount of courage and strength.

When people come to therapy, they often see themselves as hurting and broken. People don’t come for counseling when they’re feeling great and on top of the world. They come when they’re in pain. When I entered graduate school, I wanted to become a therapist so I could help people who were hurting. I wanted to solve problems, give answers, and make things better, to take away pain. It didn’t take me long to realize that this wasn’t possible. My job was not about fixing, but about guiding, supporting, and listening.

Everyone — everyone — is broken. There is not a human on this earth who has not hurt, who is not damaged, or is not in pain. We don’t hurt in the same way, of course. And some people have suffered traumas that are hard to fathom.

At times, the pain of life can seem too much to bear. A husband leaves. A child dies. Rape, assault, incest, drug abuse, disasters…all of these things hurt us to our core. And at times, all we can do is sit, cry, and try to survive. It may feel like no one has felt hurt exactly like this; that’s true. But how do we survive? How do we get through the days, the nights, when our hurts are fresh and new and tender? The answer is that we reach out to those around us.

People are not meant to live in isolation. Since the beginning of time, humans have lived in clans, groups, and families. Close relationships were crucial to survival. They still are! When people sit alone with their pain, it morphs and magnifies. So people build walls around themselves to keep everyone out, so they won’t be hurt again. But the walls that are built are like a petri dish for suffering. With no one to help shape their reality, no one to help them heal, or to see their pain and show them that they are loved anyway, hurt grows and healing remains elusive. Walls don’t so much prevent pain from coming in as keep the pain from ever leaving.

In one of his songs, Leonard Cohen writes “there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” Think about that for a second. The cracks, the pain and hurt, are inevitable, but it is through them that growth happens, that light comes in. Pain will always be a part of life. But what we do with it, and how we reach out to each other, is what makes the difference. Are we focusing on the cracks, or can we see the light that they provide, light that helps us to see, that allows us to grow?

When we make the decision to open ourselves up to others when we are hurting, or reach out when we encounter someone else in pain, we begin the healing process. Others help us make sense of our suffering, support us, and remind us that, broken as we are, we are still loved. It is through connecting with people, sharing our stories, that we see ourselves as part of humanity.

I may never have broken my elbow like my daughter did, but I’ve felt physical pain and fear of the unknown. I couldn’t fix her arm myself, or drive the ambulance, or start the IV in her arm. But what I could do was comfort her, love her, and let her know that I was there.

If you’re hurting right now, know that you are not alone.

There are people who care and who will listen. It may be a family member or friend, or someone on a suicide hotline, or people on an online support group. It may be a counselor or therapist, or the friend from second grade you reconnected with on Facebook. And if you open up to one person who can’t listen, try someone else, and then another, and then another, until you find someone who can take the time to hear you. Isolation and loneliness are what pain feeds on.

Let your walls crack open, and the light come in. Allow yourself to be heard, understood, comforted. We’re all broken, but we’re also all healing. We’re all, always, healing.

In the beginning of a new relationship, the time I think of as the Golden Days, your partner can do no wrong. Snoring is cute. Picking up the socks that end up all over the house is an act of love. The thought of a serious fight seems impossible — until it happens.

The person you love the most, to whom you are closest, becomes irritating, stupid, or irrational. Suddenly the Golden Days are replaced with reality. You and your partner are shedding your pretenses. Neither you nor your loved one feels the need to impress the other. You are committed to each other. You’re comfortable together.

But the snoring starts to drive you crazy, and you resent the socks you have to pick up. Conflict arrives.

All couples experience conflict, but there are ways to minimize its pain and maximize its growth. Instead of drawing you and your partner apart, conflict can bring your relationship to a new level of intimacy. This happens not by chance, but through learning new ways of relating to your partner and new relationship skills.

1. Decide on a topic and a time.

If there is an issue you want to resolve with your partner, decide together on a time and day to discuss it. Don’t plan it for when you’re tired, or likely to be stressed. If you can, make it for when you’ll have the privacy and time you need. For some, this means talking after the kids are in bed, or when you can hire a babysitter. It may mean planning time on the weekend, when your stress level is lower. Make it an appointment that you have thought about and agreed upon with your partner, and stick to it.

2. Keep on topic.

I can’t stress this one enough. If you’ve set aside time to talk about needed home repairs, don’t start discussing how your partner didn’t take down the Christmas lights until August. It can be very easy to try to get all of your complaints in at once, but resist that temptation. This time is for the agreed-upon topic only. Otherwise you will both become overwhelmed, angry, and frustrated.

3. Learn how to actively listen.

Active listening is more than simply hearing. It is listening with all your attention on what your partner is saying. It means not thinking of what you want to say next, but focusing your entire self on your partner.

As you actively listen, you want to make sure what you’re hearing is what your partner is saying. Saying something like “so, it sounds like you’re really angry that I didn’t go with you to your work party” gives your partner space to clarify — “no, it wasn’t that. It was that you didn’t even ask me how it went when I came home.” Then you try again with a statement such as “you wanted me to show interest in it.”

Ask and clarify until your partner feels like you get it. It might feel strange at first, but once you get a handle on active listening, you will find it is an incredible tool to have for all sorts of conflict in your life, not just in your relationship.

4. Compromise.

A relationship is a partnership that entails give and take. If there is something that you and your partner cannot agree on, then you need to figure out some sort of compromise.You don’t need to be completely enthusiastic about it, but you do have to feel comfortable with it.

5. Be kind.

Some people call this “fighting fair,” but you don’t need to be fighting to use this skill. Don’t call your partner names. This is never helpful, and it only increases tension. Don’t use the word “always” (because it’s often untrue). Try to use “I” statements: “I feel….I think…I need.” Don’t try and read your partner’s mind. “You feel…you think….you need” are phrases to stay away from. Only you partner knows these things — you can only assume or guess.

Learning and using these five skills will improve how you and your partner interact, and your relationship will grow. Couples who have good communication skills are able to work through problems in a healthy way. Conflict will never be fun, but it is expected and normal. Being able to work through problems can lead to growth and deeper levels of intimacy, and in the end makes a relationship stronger.

Do you: A) leave it where it is, since you have nothing to hide? B) put it in the cupboard to make more room for food? C) stick it in the cat food bag, where no one will find it? D) put it on the table so you’ll remember to compare notes with your friends who are on other medications?

Next question: Would it be different if your medication was for your diabetes? What about if it were for an STD? Erectile dysfunction? Cancer? AIDS?

The Oxford Dictionaries defines stigma as “a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person: the stigma of mental disorder.”

For some, this means hiding medication when friends come over. For others, the stigma means they’re afraid of telling their boss that they have to take time off for therapy, or that they were hospitalized because of a psychiatric illness. Often a client has family members who don’t know about his illness or treatment because he feels ashamed. And shame is a big, powerful feeling.

Recently, celebrities have been open about their own mental illnesses, and my hope is that this will have a positive impact on the rest of society. Princes Diana brought the problem of self-injury into light. Catherine Zeta Jones’s recent stay in a psychiatric hospital made headlines. John Nash, winner of the Nobel Prize in 1994, inspired the book and film “A Beautiful Mind,” which explored how his schizophrenia and genius are intrinsically intertwined.

We’ve come a long way from the time when people with mental illnesses were locked away for the rest of their lives. Mental illnesses can be successfully treated much of the time, with medication, psychotherapy, or both. People with severe mental illnesses have gone on to live normal lives. Statistics say that 26 percent of adults may have a diagnosable mental disorder. The percentage of people who actually obtain treatment is far less, however, due in part to the stigma that continues to flourish.

In real life, the stigma of mental illness can take the form of thoughts such as:

• “I am weak if I have to take medication” – also known as “I can do this on my own”
• “I am not like my mother/father/crazy aunt/neighbor who has mental illness”
• “People will think I’m crazy”
• “I’ll get fired”
• “People will treat me differently”
• “My friends/lover/spouse will leave me”

Opening up about any illness is frightening. You can never be sure what a person’s reaction will be, and that is scary. At some point, though, you have to trust that the people who love you will continue to love you. You’re still the same person. I’ve found that when people disclose to their friends and family that they have been diagnosed with a mental illness, there is a sense of relief. Most likely the people closest to you have seen symptoms of your illness and are glad that you are obtaining the treatment you need. Friends and family can also be more prepared to support your treatment journey when they know what is going on.

I believe that disclosing one’s illness, whether it be physical or mental, is a choice. We all have private and public lives, and those need to be respected and honored. You are not compelled to discuss your eating disorder to your boss, or your anxiety to your best friend. And keep in mind that discrimination on the basis of mental illness is illegal.

When you share your diagnosis of any illness, you open yourself up to help and compassion. You might also be surprised when your disclosure encourages others to disclose their mental illnesses as well. Having a bottle of Celexa on the counter is certainly less embarrassing than tweeting a ‘personal picture’ of yourself to the world. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed about, and my hope is that everyone can find their own way to experience this.

The 2012 presidential election looms, and potential candidates travel the country looking for support week after week. It’s a time for thinking about where our country has been and where it should go. It’s a time when people get together and discuss the environment, health care, and unemployment. It’s a time when couples sit down and talk warmly about their hopes for the country and fill envelopes for the party they both are fervent members of.

Sounds sweet, doesn’t it? But I’m not writing about these happily politically aligned people, because they’ll agree with each other that they have no need to read this.

I’m writing about the couples who, when they talk politics, argue, yell, post competing political statements on their lawn, and slam the door on any poor fool who happens to be distributing the ‘wrong’ campaign flyer. If this is you, keep reading. If not, keep reading anyway. You’ll eventually argue with your partner about something, right?

So, you have a solid relationship with your partner. You raise beautiful, bright children together. You have the same taste in expensive fake-distressed furniture. You cheer for the same losing football team. You even agree on religion (or at least you fake it really well). But politics are an entirely different ballgame. And in your house, politics divide.

It’s important to understand that people who fight about politics are good people. They’re people who care about their community, their state, their country. They’re aware of what is going on, and they want to make things better. They’re passionate, interested, and thoughtful.

The problem is that politics are divisive in their nature. We have two main political parties, both of which are equally visible, loud, and persuasive. People claim their political party as an identity. “I’m a Republican” or “I’m a Democrat.” Red or Blue. Elephant or Donkey. And in a marriage, when two people are strongly aligned with opposing parties, things can get ugly.

The most important thing for couples to remember is that their spouse has good intentions. They don’t want to see our country fall into financial ruin, or have children go hungry, or see schools fail. So Rule No. 1 is: don’t treat your spouse like your enemy, because they’re not. You may have different ideas about the environment, or foreign policy, but in the big picture you both seek a good life for yourselves, your family, and the people around you.

The next thing to remember is that it’s not your job to convince your partner to vote the way you do. It won’t work, and it’ll just cause him or her to be angry at you. When you discuss politics, follow Rule No. 2: discuss, don’t deride. Share your insights, your passion, but keep the conversation respectful. In the end, you may have to simply agree that you can’t agree, and leave it at that.

And finally, realize that your marriage is more important than any political party. You and your spouse do not have to agree on politics. Discuss, debate, educate, and learn from each other. But when the tempers start to flare, step back and take a breather. Rule No. 3: When it starts to feel negative and bitter, stop. You can always talk later when things are calmer.

It’s possible to for an elephant to marry a donkey and survive during an election year. Understanding that difference and disagreement are not the end of a marriage is crucial for a relationship to prosper. The key is to have a foundation of trust, kindness, and respect. With these, a marriage can survive and thrive, even in an election year.