Psychologists call that being assertive, as distinguished from being unassertive (weak, passive, compliant, self-sacrificing) or aggressive (self-centered, inconsiderate, hostile, arrogantly demanding).

Because some people want to be “nice” and “not cause trouble,” they “suffer in silence,” “turn the other cheek,” and assume nothing can be done to change their situation. The rest of us appreciate pleasant, accommodating people but whenever a nice person permits a greedy, dominant person to take advantage of him/her, the passive person is not only cheating him/herself but also reinforcing unfair, self-centered behavior in the aggressive person.

Assertiveness is the antidote to fear, shyness, passivity, and even anger, so there is an astonishingly wide range of situations in which this training is appropriate. Research into assertiveness has suggested several kinds of behavior are involved:

• To speak up, make requests, ask for favors and generally insist that your rights be respected as a significant, equal human being. To overcome the fears and self-depreciation that keep you from doing these things.
• To express negative emotions (complaints, resentment, criticism, disagreement, intimidation, the desire to be left alone) and to refuse requests.
• To show positive emotions (joy, pride, liking someone, attraction) and to give compliments.
• To ask why and question authority or tradition, not to rebel but to assume responsibility for asserting your share of control of the situation — and to make things better.
• To initiate, carry on, change and terminate conversations comfortably. Share your feelings, opinions and experiences with others.
• To deal with minor irritations before your anger builds into intense resentment and explosive aggression.

Four Steps to Building Assertiveness

There are four basic steps that can help you become more assertive in your every day interactions with others.

1. Realize where changes are needed and believe in your rights.

Many people recognize they are being taken advantage of and/or have difficulty saying “no.” Others do not see themselves as unassertive but do feel depressed or unfulfilled, have lots of physical ailments, have complaints about work but assume the boss or teacher has the right to demand whatever he/she wants, etc. Nothing will change until the victim recognizes his/her rights are being denied and he/she decides to correct the situation. Keeping a diary may help you assess how intimidated, compliant, passive or timid you are or how demanding, whiny, bitchy or aggressive others are.

Almost everyone can cite instances or circumstances in which he/she has been outspoken or aggressive. These instances may be used to deny we are unassertive in any way. However, many of us are weak in some ways — we can’t say “no” to a friend asking a favor, we can’t give or take a compliment, we let a spouse or children control our lives, we won’t speak up in class or disagree with others in a meeting and so on. Ask yourself if you want to continue being weak.

One may need to deal with the anxiety associated with changing, to reconcile the conflicts within your value system, to assess the repercussions of being assertive, and to prepare others for the changes they will see in your behavior or attitude. Talk to others about the appropriateness of being assertive in a specific situation that concerns you. If you are still scared even though it is appropriate, use desensitization or role-playing to reduce the anxiety.

2. Figure out appropriate ways of asserting yourself in each specific situation that concerns you.

There are many ways to devise effective, tactful, fair assertive responses. Watch a good model. Discuss the problem situation with a friend, a parent, a supervisor, a counselor or other person. Carefully note how others respond to situations similar to yours and consider if they are being unassertive, assertive or aggressive. Read some of the books listed at the end of this method. Most assertiveness trainers recommend that an effective assertive response contain several parts:

1. Describe (to the other person involved) the troublesome situation as you see it. Be very specific about time and actions, don’t make general accusations like “you’re always hostile… upset… busy.” Be objective; don’t suggest the other person is a total jerk. Focus on his/her behavior, not on his/her apparent motives.
2. Describe your feelings, using an “I” statement which shows you take responsibility for your feelings. Be firm and strong, look at them, be sure of yourself, don’t get emotional. Focus on positive feelings related to your goals if you can, not on your resentment of the other person. Sometimes it is helpful to explain why you feel as you do, so your statement becomes “I feel ______ because ______.” (see the next method).
3. Describe the changes you’d like made, be specific about what action should stop and what should start. Be sure the requested changes are reasonable, consider the other person’s needs too, and be willing to make changes yourself in return. In some cases, you may already have explicit consequences in mind if the other person makes the desired changes and if he/she doesn’t. If so, these should be clearly described too. Don’t make dire threats, if you can’t or won’t carry out them out.

See specific examples of situations, assertive responses and poor responses.

3. Practice giving assertive responses.

Using the responses you have just developed, role-play the problem situations with a friend or, if that isn’t possible, simply imagine interacting assertively. Start with real life but easy to handle situations and work up to more challenging ones expected in the future.

You will quickly discover, if your friend plays the role realistically, that you need to do more than simply rehearse the assertiveness responses. You will realize that no matter how calm and tactful you are, it will still sometimes come out smelling like a personal assault to the other person.

The other person may not be aggressive (since you have been tactful) but you should realize that strong reactions are possible, such as getting mad and calling you names, counter-attacking and criticizing you, seeking revenge, becoming threatening or ill, or suddenly being contrite and overly apologetic or submissive.

Your friend helping you by role-playing can act out the more likely reactions. In most cases, simply explaining your behavior and standing your ground will handle the situation. But there are additional techniques you might consider trying if standing your ground doesn’t work.

In most interactions, it is not just one person assertively asking for changes, but rather two people wanting to express their feelings, opinions or wishes (and maybe get their way). So, each of you must take turns being assertive and then listen with empathy. That’s good communication if it results in satisfactory compromises.

Another technique to try when confronting especially difficult situations or people is called the broken record. You calmly and firmly repeat a short, clear statement over and over until the other person gets the message. For example, “I want you to be home by midnight,” “I don’t like the product and I want my money back,” “No, I don’t want to go drinking, I want to study.”

Repeat the same statement in exactly the same way until the other person “gets off your back,” regardless of the excuses, diversions, or arguments given by the other person.

4. Try being assertive in real life situations.

Start with the easier, less stressful situations. Build some confidence. Make adjustments in your approach as needed.

Look for or devise ways of sharpening your assertiveness skills. Examples: Ask a friend to lend you a piece of clothing, a record album or a book. Ask a stranger for directions, change for a dollar, or a pen or pencil. Ask a store manager to reduce the price of a soiled or slightly damaged article, to demonstrate a product, or exchange a purchase. Ask an instructor to help you understand a point, find extra reading, or go over items you missed on an exam. Practice speaking and making small talk, give compliments to friends and strangers, call up a city official when you see something unreasonable or inefficient, praise others when they have done well, tell friends or co-workers experiences you have had, and on and on. Keep a diary of your interactions.

Read more about building assertiveness in Psychological Self-Help’s Chapter 13: Assertiveness Training.

This excerpt reproduced with permission from Psychological Self-Help and has been edited for length and clarity.

1. The Hostile Co-worker or Boss

Dealing with hostile people requires both tact and strength. Since persons who feel they have been wronged are more likely to be belligerent and violent, you should first try to be sure they have been dealt with fairly.

In addition, it would be wise to help them meet as many of their needs as possible without reinforcing their aggressiveness or discriminating in their favor. Likewise, avoid interactions with them that encourage intense emotions or threats of violence. Certainly do not interact with your angry “enemies” when they are drinking or carrying weapons. Say or do nothing that would incite more anger or, on the other hand, cause you to appear to be scared, weak, and a “pushover.”

In most cases, strong retaliation against an aggressive person is the worst thing you can do. Nastiness begets nastiness. Hostility escalates. Threats of punishment may also work. Remember punishment is only effective while the punisher is observing — watch out for subtle rebellion.

If you can divert the angry person’s attention to some meaningful task or a calm discussion of the situation, the anger should subside. Also, offer him/her any information that would explain the situation that upsets him/her. Point out similarities or common interests between him/her and the person they are mad at (you). Let him/her see or hear about calm, rational ways of resolving differences. Almost anything that gets him/her thinking about something else will help.

The Institute of Mental Health Initiatives provide a brief list of ways to calm an angry person: reduce the noise level, keep calm yourself, acknowledge that the irate person has been wronged (if true) or, at least, acknowledge their feelings without any judgment, ask them to explain their situation (so you can tactfully correct errors), listen to their complaints without counter-attacking, explain your feelings with non-blaming “I” statements, show that you care but set limits on violence (“I’d like to work it out with you but I’ll have to call the police if you can’t control yourself”).

2. The Chronic Complainer

What about the chronic complainers? They are fault-finding, blaming, and certain about what should be done but they never seem able to correct the situation by themselves. Often they have a point — there are real problems — but their complaining is not effective (except it is designed to prove someone else is responsible).

Coping with complainers involves, first, listening and asking clarifying questions, even if you feel guilty or falsely accused. There are several don’ts: don’t agree with the complaints, don’t apologize (not immediately), and don’t become overly defensive or counter-attack because this only causes them to restate their complaints more heatedly. Secondly, as you gather facts, create a problem-solving attitude. Be serious and supportive. Acknowledge the facts. Get the complaints in writing and in precise detail; get others, including the complainer, involved in collecting more data that might lead to a solution. In addition to what is wrong, ask “What should happen?” If the complainer is unhappy with someone else, not you, you may want to ask, “Have you told (the complainee) yet?” or “Can I tell __________?” or “Can I set up a meeting with them?” Thirdly, plan a specific time to make decisions cooperatively that will help the situation…and do it.

3. The Super-Agreeable

What about the persons who are super nice and smilingly agree with your ideas until some action is required, then they back down or disappear. Such people seek approval. They have learned, probably as children, that one method for getting “love” is by telling people (or pretending) you really care for and/or admire them. Similarly, the super-agreeables will often promise more than they deliver: “I’ll get the report done today” or “I’d love to help you clean up.” They are experts in phoniness, so don’t try to “butter them up.”

Instead, reassure the super-agreeable that you will still like them even if they tell you the truth. Ask them to be candid and make it easy for them to be frank: “What part of my plan is okay but not as good as it could be?” Help them avoid making promises they can’t keep: “Are you sure you can have the money by then? How about two weeks later?” Tell and show them you value their friendship. Let them know you are ready to compromise because you know they will be more than fair.

4. The Know-It-All Expert

Know-it-all experts are of two types: the truly competent, productive, self-assured, genuine expert and the partially informed person pretending to be an expert. Both can be a pain.

The true expert may act superior and make others feel stupid; they may be bull headed and impatient with differing opinions; they are often self-reliant, don’t need or want any help, and don’t want to change. If you are going to deal with the true expert as an equal, you must do your homework thoroughly; otherwise, they will dismiss you. First of all, listen to them and accurately paraphrase their points. Don’t attack their ideas but rather raise questions that suggest alternatives: “Would you tell me more?” or “What do you think the results will be in five years?” “It probably isn’t a viable choice but could we consider…?” Secondly, show your respect for his/her competence but don’t put yourself down. Lastly, if the expert can not learn to consider others’ ideas, you may be wise to graciously accept a subordinate role as his/her “helper.” True experts deserve respect.

The pretentious-but-not-real expert is relatively easy to deal with because he/she (unlike liars or cons) is often unaware of how little he/she knows. Such a person can be gently confronted with the facts. Do it when alone with them. Help them save face. They simply want to be admired.

5. The Pessimist

Another “burden” to any group is the pessimist –the person who always says, “It won’t work” or “We tried that.” These angry, bitter people have the power to drag us down because they stir up the old pool of doubt and disappointment within us. So, first of all, avoid being sucked into his/her cesspool of hopelessness. Don’t argue with the pessimist; don’t immediately offer solutions to the difficulties predicted by the pessimist.

Instead, make optimistic statements — showing that change is possible — and encourage the group to brainstorm leading to several possible alternatives. Then ask what are the worst possible consequences of each alternative (this gives the negativist a chance to do his/her thing but you can use the gloomy predictions in a constructive, problem-solving way). Also ask, “What will happen if we do nothing?” Finally, welcome everyone’s help but be willing to do it alone because the pessimist won’t volunteer.

6. The Staller

Every group has a “staller,” a person who puts off decisions for fear someone will be unhappy. Unlike the super-agreeable, the staller is truly interested in being helpful. So, make it easier for him/her to discuss and make decisions. Try to find out what the staller’s real concerns are (he/she won’t easily reveal negative opinions of you). Don’t make demands for quick action. Instead, help the staller examine the facts and make compromises or develop alternative plans (and decide which ones take priority). Give the staller reassurance about his/her decision and support the effective carrying out of the decision.

Of course, these tips are largely just starting points in your efforts to better cope with the difficult people in your life. If you’d like to learn more in-depth techniques and ideas for improving your life, please check out my free online self-help book, Psychological Self-Help.

Clay Tucker-Ladd, Ph.D. is the author of the original and oldest online self-help book, Psychological Self-Help. This excerpt was reprinted from “Chapter 9: Understanding Ourselves and Our Relationships” and “Chapter 7: Anger and Aggression.” Dr. Tucker-Ladd is now retired, but was the chairperson of the Psychology Department at Eastern Illinois University in the 1970s and maintained a private practice in Illinois.