Are you the reason you’re still single?
I’ve heard many excuses from women telling why they can’t find a man to love. I understand where they’re coming from; there was a time when I had plenty of excuses myself.
But making excuses for why you can’t find a partner is dangerous to your love life. It will not only keep love away from you. It will cause you a lot of unhappiness.
Here are some examples of excuses I hear all the time:
- There are no good men where I live.
- Men don’t want me because I’m too successful.
- Men only want younger women.
- I missed all the good men by not getting married young.
- My parents were miserable so I will be, too.
There may be a kernel of truth in each of these statements, but each can also be proven wrong many times over.
For example let’s take the first one; there are no good men where I live. I had a client who lived in a very small town. She traveled four hours by car to the city for work once a month but had to live in the small town for her children.
She believed there were no men in her town there who would be interesting or worldly enough for her. She had recently broken up with a man who was toxic for her, so we worked on changing her inner beliefs.
It didn’t take long before she was introduced to a man who had just moved to her town. He was a social worker who had grown tired of city life and wanted a smaller practice with more peace and quiet. They hit it off right away which proved to her that her excuse about the men in her town wasn’t true.
A serious problem that happens when you make excuses is they can easily become your inner beliefs. Your beliefs will then in turn create your life experience.
You can be so familiar with them that you stop questioning their validity. By repeating them to yourself and to others, you reinforce them even though they aren’t true. You find that they just pop out of your mouth anytime the subject of relationships comes up.
When I reached my 40s and was still single, I told myself the excuse that men only wanted younger women. I was sure that was true and it made me feel afraid I would have to end up with a man who was much older. Now there’s nothing wrong with that, especially if you’re in love, but at the time I felt I was still youthful and I wanted that in a partner.
I enlisted a matchmaker (this is 1994, before Internet dating) and she told me she had a man for me, but he was four years younger than me. I felt he wouldn’t want to meet me if he knew I was older, and to avoid embarrassment I insisted she tell him my true age before we met. That man proved me wrong; he is now my husband.
I want you to be honest with yourself and find the excuses you may be making about why you’re still single. When you identify them, it will become obvious they are causing you unnecessary pain. They make you feel powerless and rob you of your strength.
Not only that, they cast you in the role of a victim. And as long as you tell yourself you’re the victim of outside circumstances, you will feel out of control.
The next time you catch yourself making an excuse to yourself or anyone else, stop and tell yourself it’s not true. There’s absolutely no upside to excuses. They prevent you from taking action, they create a belief that keeps love away and they rob you of hope.
When you stop making excuses everything will change. You’ll no longer feel like a victim with no control. You’ll replace your excuses with the truth that, in love, anything is possible.
This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Stop Making Excuses And Start Finding Love.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 1 Jul 2014
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.
Psych Central. (2014). Are You Making Excuses that Prevent You from Finding Love?. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 18, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/07/01/are-you-making-excuses-that-prevent-you-from-finding-love/