What Role do Sibling Struggles Play in Adult Relationships?Were you the winner or the loser in your sibling dynamic?

Many parents believe that sibling rivalry is healthy, natural and unavoidable. There are many causes of sibling rivalry (age, developmental stage, personality), but a main cause is the need for power, attention or protection from parents.

Children, as young as infants, find comfort in routine and predictability. The family dynamic is a source of familiarity and certainty, including the ways in which parents react to each child during sibling struggles.

When one sibling picks a fight, he usually knows what type of reaction it will trigger from the parents. In that moment, the aggressor is seeking the feeling that reaction provides — negative attention if he is punished or power that he succeeded as the dominator if the parents take a hands-off approach.

The parents’ reaction to the innocent sibling, either sympathetic or hands-off, also creates a feeling — that of the victim. If the parents coddle the innocent child, she gets attention and protection when she is victimized. If the parents ignore the situation, the innocent child feels unprotected by the parents and holds resentment as the victim. For both children, attention, power or protection comes when they participate in their role as winner or loser.

Although this pattern of sibling rivalry might seem common and expected, the way in which parents react to each child’s behavior might play a large part in identity development and affect their behaviors and feelings about relationships as adults.

Was your role that of intimidator, brown-noser or aggressor? Or did you play the victim, tattle-tale or baby? It is no surprise that as adults, we revert back to our childhood roles when we are with our families, but do we carry our childhood roles into relationships outside our family? Do our problems in adult relationships (marriage, work, friendship) stem from the patterns created during sibling battles?

It is inevitable that children will take on different roles in the family. These roles create balance within the family and allow each child to receive attention from their parents without direct competition. However, it is important for parents to be aware of what can create these roles and the impact they may have on the child’s feeling about themselves and the world around them.

As the first relationships a child will encounter, sibling relationships play a major role in choices children make relating to friends and will affect the type of relationships they create throughout their lives. If one sibling constantly feels victimized or is always the dominator, it can lock both winner and loser into forced identity patterns which will continue throughout life with friends, spouses and colleagues.

How did your sibling relationships affect you and your relationships?



View Comments / Leave a Comment

This post currently has 2 comments.
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.

    Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 12 Mar 2014
    Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Ceder, J. (2014). What Role do Sibling Struggles Play in Adult Relationships?. Psych Central. Retrieved on January 26, 2015, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/13/what-role-do-sibling-struggles-play-in-adult-relationships/


Recent Comments
  • Chet Bush: Thank you Professor Betsy Hoza for your ‘much needed Study on the ‘impotence of...
  • Lucy: Hi Shawna – you really need to get away from your father. You also need to realise that nothing he says...
  • kazchaz: This is helpful, very much so and it would be great to hear from you again, with updates on your progress,...
  • sambo: I really need some help im so depressed and anxious I cant work or leave the house im on antidepressants and...
  • Concerned: My father was a narcissist. He basically ruined my mother’s life and she ended up dying young of...
Subscribe to Our Weekly Newsletter

Find a Therapist
Enter ZIP or postal code

Users Online: 12794
Join Us Now!