Nice guys finish last.
That’s one of the expressions you hear that’s typically unleashed when a guy feels some kind of rejection from a girl. He’s quite baffled since he is “nice” and all.
“Girls like bad guys.”
“Girls just enjoy the thrill of the chase.”
“I’m just too much of a nice guy.”
Yes, I’ve heard it before. And I’m not here to argue against the fact that, sometimes, girls may be initially drawn to guys who exhibit darker traits, though those relationships are usually short-term once the girl realizes what she’s dealing with.
However, I do sincerely question the relevancy of being nice as an excuse to explain rejection.
It’s basically suggesting that by treating a girl with respect and kindness, you automatically have an edge and a ticket into her heart. Call it picky or whatever you’d like, but being nice isn’t flashing my green light. (Hey everyone, I found a nice guy! Champagne for everybody!) For me at least, that isn’t what forging a deep connection is about.
“Some ‘nice guys’ think that just treating a girl like a human being makes them all of a sudden better than everyone else; it gets to their head,” Tyler Mutarelli, a fellow twenty-something with a degree in sociology, said. “They come to think they deserve (as if it were a right) to have any girl they want. Which is obviously not the case; girls are attracted to different things.”
Alice Desrosiers’s bold editorial, “Nice Guy Syndrome And The Friend Zone,” expresses her disdain for the ‘nice guy syndrome’ and links that mentality to the other notable delegation – being resorted to the infamous “friend zone.”
“The friend zone is a bullsh*t, misogynistic, make-believe land Nice Guys have come up with to demonize women for not wanting to date them,” she wrote. “They use it as an excuse to ignore the fact that there are Actual Reasons behind their decision to not pursue a relationship or have sex with this guy. You know, like not being physically attracted to them. Or not being able to connect with them.”
Preach it, girl. Guys who bitterly utter (in a resentful tone) that they’re too nice and therefore friend-zoned might want to consider that the girl isn’t looking to intentionally inflict torture upon your friend-ridden soul. There appears to be this unspoken, mystical notion that being a nice guy automatically resonates with romantic compatibility. (And I hate to burst the bubble here, but Desrosiers has another point — the mere act of complaining about a girl, just because she will not date you, isn’t so “nice” anyway.)
Being nice, genuinely nice, is (for lack of a better word) nice. I’m in no way advocating that I don’t want to be around those who exhibit that quality; nice guys out there can hold onto that and continue to do their thing.
However, when it comes to romantic relationships, is nice the be-all end-all? I’m not specifically seeking nice; I’m pining for connection that’s very personal and individualized. And if I am, then chances are other girls are looking to dig deeper as well.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 13 Jul 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.
Suval, L. (2013). Nice Guys Finish Last? An Excuse Without Meaning. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 11, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/07/14/nice-guys-finish-last-an-excuse-without-meaning/