This guest article from YourTango was written by Dr. Christie Hartman
Recently, I joined a group of matchmakers and dating coaches for happy hour. We all introduced ourselves and talked about our specialty areas. I told them about my books, including my latest one, How To Find Mr. Right Online. Eventually, one of the women approached me and asked me a question I’ve been asked many times before by singles and experts:
“Do you think women should email men when online dating?” Without hesitation, I told her “Yes!” Not only is it okay to email men when dating online, it’s a useful tactic.
1. Women are often the initiators.
I know — you’ve heard a hundred times that men should make the first move. But research has shown that in social and courtship interactions, women — not men — are often the initiators. Women do this subtly by making eye contact or smiling at men or they do it more boldly by starting a conversation. In other words, if you want a man to make his move, you must give him the green light to do so. Emailing a man gives him the green light.
Many women fear emailing men because they don’t want to be the aggressor, the one who does the chasing. But emailing a man online isn’t chasing him or even hitting on him — it’s merely starting a conversation. He still gets to ask you out and call you. An email says, “Hey, you seem interesting. Let’s talk,” not, “Please go out with me!”
2. You get to choose.
Why sit back and bemoan that you aren’t getting emails from men who interest you, when you can choose who you want to chat with? Sure, not all the men you contact will reply, but that’s normal. They may be busy, seeing other girls, or you’re just not their type. It will all pay off when you do connect with a guy you find interesting.
3. Emailing will create interest.
Many women often believe that if a man were “truly” interested, he would make his move. While this is true in many scenarios, that rationale doesn’t fly online. Why? Men have literally thousands of profiles to comb through … how can they possibly know who’s interesting to them before chatting or meeting in person? Thus, emailing him makes you more interesting because you made a personal connection.
4. By bucking the system, you put yourself on his radar.
Since many people still adhere to the convention that men should email women, men send out a lot of emails, most of which never even get a response. By merely sending a guy a friendly email, you buck the system and stand out, putting you front and center on his radar. While other women are waiting to be emailed, you’re chatting it up with interesting men.
5. The attention flatters men.
As long as you fit (or nearly fit) a man’s criteria, men enjoy receiving emails from women online. They’re flattered that a woman would want to talk to them and countless men have said to me, “Yes, ladies, talk to us. We’ll do the rest.” And there you have it.
I know many women who’ve achieved success by emailing men online. Give it a try!
More dating advice from YourTango:
- Watch Out! Online Dating Red Flags [VIDEO]
- Dating 101: How To Know He Wants To Kiss You
- 30 Dating Habits You Need To Lose By Age 30 (Part 1)
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Jul 2014
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.
Experts, Y. (2012). Online Dating? 5 Reasons To Make The First Move. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 21, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/12/18/online-dating-5-reasons-to-make-the-first-move/