Psych Central


3 Common Mistakes When Looking For LoveThis guest article from YourTango was written by Virginia Clark

Choosing your life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. When you find the man who’ll be beside you every day, it impacts every aspect of your life. So, when I see women who approach finding their “soulmate” with so little concern about it’s true importance, I feel overwhelming frustration.

They meet and date perfectly good men, men who want to be in a committed relationship; but then they treat these men as if they were nothing special, as if there were plenty more where they came from. They make the same mistakes with men over and over again, get the same results, and are in complete denial about their own behavior. This tells me they don’t take themselves or dating seriously enough.

I’ve also seen women transform into adolescent girls when they date; they have no regard for consequences. When they do this they diminish themselves and of course get less than spectacular results with men. How can you stop sabotaging your dates and give looking for love the importance it needs?

Here are the three most common mistakes you may be making…

1. You break your own rules.

How many times have you changed your mind on a date and let yourself be persuaded to break your own rules? The rule I see women break the most often is about when to have sex. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve determined that you won’t go to bed with a man until you both agree to be monogamous.

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You’ve promised yourself not to sleep with a man who is also sleeping with other women. But, as soon as you begin to date a man you’re attracted too, you get caught up in the moment and like an impressionable young girl, you give in. You get intimate too soon with a man you could really care about. It changes everything and you’ve hardly gotten to know each other. Breaking this rule rarely works out in the long run.

Here are some other rules you might find yourself breaking:

  • You pursue him instead of being patient
  • You give more attention to him than he’s giving to you
  • You lose yourself and make his needs more important than your own

2. You don’t fix what’s not working.

Human beings tend to like the familiar. We have a comfort zone we find hard to leave unless we’re really pushed. Life-changing experiences like illness or a car accident will propel you to make new and daring choices. But when life is just going along as usual, you can get lazy and avoid making the changes you need to be more successful with men.

One example is the fear of “making waves” in a relationship. Instead of speaking up for yourself, which can be a real challenge, you’ll go with the flow to keep the peace. Or if you’re used to having your guard up around men, you don’t risk being hurt by allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You just stick to being the way you’ve always been because it’s easier than facing the fear of the change you need to make.

3. You haven’t handled your subconscious sabotage.

We all have subconscious sabotage; it keeps us eating too much, buying what we don’t need and pushing good men away. Yet, it’s something you can change once you become aware of it. The subconscious controls your habitual ways of being in relationships. For example, it will show up as a lack of self-worth or confidence, which makes it hard for you to set boundaries.

You have to recognize what the habitual thoughts are that aren’t working for you and change them. When a subconscious belief that is hurting you is made conscious (when you become aware of it) it will get “neutralized” and no longer “run you.” There are many ways to get at your subconscious beliefs, but three excellent ones are hypnotherapy, coaching, and guided imagery.

Looking for love is a serious business. If you’re really serious about looking for love, you have to take the bull by the horns and do these three things. They will require courage. You have to stop breaking your own rules, change the things you do that you know aren’t working, and finally, find out how you’ve been subconsciously sabotaging your relationships.

If you take your search for a good man seriously and do these 3 things — when you find him, you’ll know exactly what to do to keep him.

 


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    Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 May 2012
    Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

APA Reference
Experts, Y. (2012). 3 Common Mistakes When Looking For Love. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 16, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/05/18/3-common-mistakes-when-looking-for-love/

 

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