Now this is a nice posting. I would hope every mental health care provider would print this out and share it with patients, albeit I have some difference of opinion about reading every book you can find: too many opinions can be as detrimental as too few.

With the focus on the role of psychopharmacology these days, at this site as well with the focus on the Newsweek story of last week, let’s not forget the impact of psychosocioeconomic factors to psychological distress. Pills do not give you skills.

Thank you Dr. Hassman:
I discovered my then-husband was having an affair, divorced him and spent the next year going through these steps. I knew enough about the body and mind that I realized even at the time what I was doing; not eating as one example. Sometimes we are able to help others when we go through an experience ourselves and it was good to hear that you thought this article might help others-that was exactly my point.
By the way, I do understand about seeking too many opinions. It comes from grasping for answers I think. Even books and opinions I didn’t take/use were helpful in some way. Good point though.
In good health,
Patty

I enjoyed the post. Excellent advice offered. It’s very difficult to find something to keep us going when life hits the skids. But no matter what else, we have to keep moving. And as crazy as it may seem, we will ultimately emerge. Hey…if we play our cards right, we may even come out a better person.

This comment is good but that matter is give in telugu language.

My point of you life is logical equipment. Each person is tested with logic. ( but I don’t like this I want heart touching messages.

100% agree with 6 steps,i resently separate with the father of my child, it was difficult cause he is the one who decide to go for a new girl. but i took step 1 i share my position to a friend. step 2 i eat lot of fruits cause while i am stressed i eat a lot.step 4 read Joyse Mayer book an step 5 think about my strengths most o time .now i am over him and i am happy.

How about prayer and reading your holy scriptures whatever they may be? How about finding community in your religious community? How about believing in a higher power? Do we really have to completely ignore the power of faith to be politically correct? The majority of the population in United States believe in some higher power. Studies indicate that folks who do have more stable lives.

A nice, elegant way of bringing together a process that seems to take forever when you’re in it, and is terrifying when first looming ahead!

I’m sorry, but this is nonsense. I’ve read Pema Chodron. I’ve read Eckhart Tolle. I’ve read “Callings” by Levoy — a laughably bad book (if you have diahhera — that is, “the runs,” what are you running from?).
It’s just pop-psychology b.s. Idiocy.
Sorry to break it to you.

This is just what i needed to read. My contract at work ended 5 months ago and I have been emotionally spiralling, panicking everyday….feeling like such a loser for not having a grasp on reality, that no one gives handouts anymore as well as not taking steps, hoping that it will all work out when in fact it didn’t. I have been home for all this time and my first thought daily is, “gosh…I am SUCH a loser…” (as I wake up).
At times during each morning, I feel another wasted day. I have felt I am depressed but actually tell myself to buck up and make today another day to remember.
Yes, I have been concentrating on things that have remained a “low priority” since I had returned to work.
So yes, I am trying to make myself feel accomplished as well as taking steps to update my resume and get out there again.
This article has reminded me to think of me and feel good again.
Thank you.

These steps are nothing for people going through truely horrible things.

As many times as have gone through the “losing” cycle, you would think I was a pro at handling it. I started having “life changing” experiences at age 10. I still go through the steps and it always feels like I won’t make it, but God makes sure I do no matter how painful it is. I really have no suggestions for everyone, since everyone and every “life changing” experience is different. When I lost my daughter 8 years ago I got mad and stayed that way for a long time, that seemed to help some. I wallowed in it for some time, allowed myself to hurt and refused to take that away from myself. I will probably NEVER get over it and that is ok. When I got to the point where I thought I would survive I decided to assess all the damage I did during my rampage and tried to make amends while never being sorry for what I had to go through, just that they were unfortunate enough to be in my path. I took my time and allowed myself to grief and eventually gained a perspective on my loss and I became a better person for it. All I really want to emphasize is that there is no “right way” to deal with losses, everyone needs to find someone to help them through it and grieve. If you don’t do that then you will most likely never get through the storm and that would be a shame. Always thank God after because if it hadn’t been for his stength and patience, I wouldn’t have gotten through the toughest part of my loss. I had therapy and family, but God loved me and understood.

Right now, I’m still trying to get over the end of my 32 year marriage which ended a year ago. The 6 steps sound good, but when you are so depressed that you can’t even move, 6 steps aren’t going to help when you feel better when you have lost everything that is important to you. My former husband kept our house, the business I built and has a relationship with a former client of mine. I’m broke and without a job. Over the course of the past several months, he and I talked about reconciling. We were even intimate. He told me he loved me and that he was drawn to me like no other woman. Before we discussed reconciling, I asked him if he was seeing anyone and he told me no. After we had been intimate for about 6 weeks, I asked again if he was seeing anyone and he told me yes. He said he had been dating her for about 6 months. Needless to say, my heart was broken again. Even though the 6 steps sound good, I don’t think they’re going to help me. It takes a long time for a broken heart to mend.

I sympathize with Nanny – I too lost a son almost two years ago. I grieve my loss daily but don’t have any real support. My husband, who has had a lifetime of depression, has turned to anger in dealing with his loss, needless to say that anger is directed at me. His depression has caused him to make many bad decisions especially financial, which leaves us with no security. I feel I must stay strong for my other children who are missing their brother, SO, I live “alone” in their midst. Most people don’t understand a person can feel isolated within what appears to be a good marriage. I have read books, articles on grief and loss, how to move on, etc. but I remain alone. Seeking supportive councelling is something I have done but do not have the money to continue. I rely on my faith to keep me going. All of my time is spent cleaning our home, making meals, doing for my other children. I have no social life as my husband will NOT go anywhere or have anyone in. Today will be another day of “putting one foot ahead of the other” a terrible way to live.

Thank you for giving us freedom to (temporarily) wallow in it. I went through a midlife crisis a few years ago and had a real hard time getting over a stupid crush I had. I know I drove everybody crazy talking about it, but I don’t think I could have gotten through that phase of life without that step. My true friends were soooo patient with me! (I even told the guy I had the crush on – we’re both happily married – stupid stuff!!!) Maybe next time it won’t take so long! Good advice!

As I read the 6 steps, I reflected on my own feelings of depression and loss. For the past 9 years, my life has not been in control. I was stuck with a dirty needle at work and diagnosed with Hepatitis C months later. I no longer have the desire to pursue my career but it’s all I know. I’ve yoyo’d in weight, left my husband of 31 years, got involved with a very controlling man, lost my pets, several jobs, my credit rating, and my self-respect. My sense of self-worth is gone. I have undergone experimental chemo to rid myself of this disease. It didn’t work. My life is at a standstill. I have no friends and no one to turn to. I’ve heard many times that only one moment can change your life. It’s very true. That one, split second when that needle entered my hand changed who I am entirely. And I don’t know how to get back on track. The steps listed above make sense, but when you’re in the throes of depression it’s just not easy to feel very inspired. I want to live again. I am tired of being so alone.

I do believe in these six steps. Those who say they do not work are staying in the wallowing stage. I call it the poor me stage. The best thing I have sought are support groups. These are great if you have no support they are out there for everything. I have suffered from abuse, alcoholism, a cheating spouse. It is easy to talk the talk but you have to walk the walk. There are many people who have gone through the same things. You can run from all of these things but you still take the self you have become with you. Its time for a change. For me I had to forgive myself for putting MYSELF in all of these situations. I had a part in all of them. I have a higher power who gives me the strength to get through. If I didn’t I would be dead today. I needed to change me.

and … I sympathize with you Kathy. Many of the things you have said are also me. I now know what “alone” really feels like. I feel it every second of the day. It seems like such a lost dark place. It seems like there is not a way out and will never be. I too depend on my faith and I ultimately know that what is promised in that faith is true…however….being human we have to experience the emotions of our losses and that is hard. Very hard…especially when you feel so alone. I try and focus on the things I do have and for that I am very greatfull,but what has been already lost is equally as important. I feel guilt on top of my loss for not being happy after I try and focus on those things. Such a vicious cycle. There will be a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere down the line for us…our faith will heal.

I found this article to great. I just lost my job, and it has been a life alter experience. A shock. When you are an older worker many businesses don’t want you for what ever reasons.

I just want 2 share my experience, after being deeply in love in a relationship that lasted several years, with a guy that had promise the world to me, I found out he has been doing the same exact thing with several women, I felt so desperate, abused,worthless, angry, I could not believe the guy that was the love of my life was truly the biggest lier, hipocrite man i have ever met! Well after a couple of years, my heart still hurts when I think of him, I still love him, but dignity and faith has help me going, I forgive him but never will talk to him again, there is no need to keep bad people close. I talked about this everyday for months with my friend, drink often, when I never used to, stop eating for almost 8 months, stop working and stayed home most of d time, I tought the horrible pain would never go away, but struggling and drying my tears I take it as it is and realize I have to take care of me, love me and keep going. I pray all d time and found comfort doing it. God is the strongest force there is and if all of us could focus our pain in him, life would be much easier. I am very happy iam alive and healthy, because every day I have a new challenge and I want to win! It is possible! Time, decision and god will cure you! Blessings from my heart to you!

I believe after divorce there is no reconciliation between former spouses.As a matter of fact I think it is insane.If he cheated on you before and you are dating as divorcee’s he is probably cheating on you now.I also believe “once a cheater, always a cheater” unless of course he goes and gets some type of counseling as did Tiger Woods but that only works if the husband works to prevent the incidents from happening again. Many men are in that mindset and women just do not know it. I am currently going through a divorce and the 6 steps help me and the fact that I worship a God that loves me unconditionally although some days are very tough, I know God is there. I have had to come to grips with the thought that the person I married is no longer alive and I do not know this other person. When I look at it as my soon to be ex is a stranger, then I do not even like him and would never want to be in a relationship with someone like him.It has helped me to look at the split as a death not divorce.I can honestly say I will never date him nor do I want to see him, I can hardly stand to do either right now.In our 33 years of marriage he has burned me so many times I ought to be ashes.
I just received a Masters degree and I am starting a new career and a new life for myself.

I love this artical. Will it help everyone? No,it’s not for everyone. But, the one’s that do get it, the group that this is for, it will help. It will help you heal faster,your recovery time will be cut in half. And that’s all you want,a little less pain and a way to get through it faster.
And to Kathy, Albert Enstine said “Nothing happens, until something moves.”

To Kathy and Nanny- I too have experienced the loss of a child many years ago. I got involved with an organization called Compassionate Friends. It is strictly for those who have lost a child however they have lost them either through suicide, accidents, murdered, from health issues, SIDS etc. We met every month and you didn’t have to talk if you didn’t want to. Everyone knows exactly how you feel as they too have experienced a loss of a child. They also had a support group for siblings so they could also share their feelings. The siblings group was separated from the Adults so the children were free to really express their feelings. Sometimes we don’t realize what our remaining children are going through as we are trying to understand our grief. It was a miracle for me to be involved with this group and I truly believe that God put them in touch with me. My faith also was what has helped. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about my son even though it has been over 20 years since he got killed. I know someday I will be reuinted with him in heaven. You can probably search Compassionate Friends on the internet to find a local chapter. It is definitely worth your time.
God Bless you!

Yeah, yeah recovery. For what? I am 68 years old, my 37 year old son just came out of the closet and I now realize the huge string on my husbands fathers side. My husband, as I spend a lot of time thinking, had the lowest sex drive I could imagine. He now has germ fear behavior. He hated sex, but tried to pretend. Now at 68 and he is 75 I realize I have been married to a closeted and would never admit it, gay man. What do I have to get better for?

I made a folder with the books/events/activities that have helped me heal. Teachers are teachers always I guess. The mere action is a healing. I have gained great interior wisdom from” Be impeccable with your words”-to yourself foremost. This has stopped the incessant backwards spiral tape that runs. (toltec wisdom calls it emotional poison) The 4 agreements/Toltec hope someone benefits as I continue to do.

As I read these posts, I see so much pain. We are all seekers. I have learned over the years that nothing outside of myself will or can make me happy. God and Jesus Christ has given me such blessings. May They give you some too.

Healing takes patience with yourself, an inspiring thought to me is healing so i can be comforting to others as well. I came across a fantastic book called Life-Changing Explosion of Consciousness Introduction to Holographic Psychology…I highly recommend it. Reiki is great too. Its hard to be patient with ourselves and emotions, healing takes time and courage:) And a real good friend or two!

To Carla May
You have YOU to get better for! You cannot help, nor change what others do but at 68 you have a lot of life left. Write about it – in a diary or for publication. Get out of the house. There are many women in that boat…talk to them.
Mostly, don’t give up.
The 6 steps are a guideline – I think too many books make it more diffcult but one good one to focus on works for me. Find something simple -

Do I need to register to make a comment.

Okay. I guess it will work. I thought the suggestions very helpful, and have put most of them to use and continue to, especially daily exercise and weekly therapy and mostly for having many things fall apart, including divorce, a son who has anger issues directed at me and won’t let go of his anger, and I long for and pray for peace one day, so I miss a relationship with him and his family. His father ignores him, so he chooses to take it out on me. I have a lot of serious health issues, some related to aging, which has limited me from a very active life, one which was for many years very much in the public, and now I am pretty isolated, which has become an adjustment, but lean on my faith in God and the strength he gives to me. I work hard at improving health in every way possible and keeping a positive attitude. People see me as younger and stronger, thus I have to do the reaching out and show the compassion when they are in need, but there is no compassion when I experience loss and no one there who reaches out to me or considers my feelings. It makes me feel rejected and invisible. I love people and can forgive, but I have had to learn to say “no” to those who take advantage because I apparently appear to be an easy target to abuse. I am learning to shower myself with respect because I have been good to others, and am now good to myself and give myself slack when I am really ill, even if I am aging and alone. My heart goes out to others who suffer, as I know what suffering is, but I have to learn what those limitations are. I didn’t feel well, but took to older ladies to a funeral visitation to show respect and honor the person that was our neighbor and a lovely woman who passed on. The family showered their appreciation to the other two older ladies, but I couldn’t even get their attention to let them know how much I had appreciated their loved one and why I had come there to show support. I am not sorry I went, but it made me feel as though my going meant nothing. This kind of thing happens all the time when I try to reach out in kindness. All I know is I hope that God knows I love and care for people, and I am doing what I can, small as it may be. Even when I reach out to call or listen to others in need of caring, they don’t mind taking, but no one every calls or reaches out to me when I have loss or surgeries or need help. When I have dared to even suggest they call, I get ignored because they are too busy with other more important people. It makes me feel as if all I am going to do is keep on getting older and nothing I do matters. I wonder if it matters to God, if it doesn’t matter to the people I care about.

I am a perfect example of this process. I experienced each of these steps 10 years ago when I discovered my husband was molesting my 14 year old disabled daughter. I had to survive for her and myself. Thank God, I’m now in the pay it forward mode. Not an easy path,and some days I’m still tormented by the past, but I choose to forgive those who have hurt me and consider their pain. I’ve also learned to respect what is healthy for me and my daughter. There are things that are beyond my understanding and I don’t have to understand them to know that they aren’t healthy behaviors. Now I take it easy on myself and others. We all have our challenges to overcome.

complaints have been posted that the 6 steps are not realistic, that the books wont help. everyone seems to be going through SOOOO much crap right now, myself included. i will spare these readers the details of my grief, suffice to say, that yes, we DO need to be able to bend an ear, and are VERY fortunate if we have friends that will tolerate our outpourings of grief and frustration.

we MUST continue to take steps, find SOMETHING positive, even as we are being steamrollered by crap on top of crap.

i’ve not found the answer yet, and feel as though i continue to live on the brink of disaster. cannot imagine more chaos and hell that what has happened to my family, but we have to keep on keeping on. find faith, SOMEHOW and take ONE STEP AT A TIME. and yes, damnit, it could be worse.

i just lost my mom. it was sudden and unexpected. these steps are a place to start. between my grandmother and my 4 siblings we are all dealing w/this loss differently. and we all have our low moments. i have regrets, so many times i should have done more, said more, spent more time w/her. and now i miss her more than i ever thought possible. i am thankful for my 36 years w/her.
i hope you all find peace.

For each person that has written their experiences, my heart goes out to their pain and struggles, and also joy for their growth and strength of character. I have lost parents, siblings and other loved ones, and there are not words to express how that feels. We all wish we could have done more or done something differently, but the fact we had them in our lives was wonderful, and there will be a time of grieving, your own time, but there will also be good memories. Be good to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel without judgment. Everyone has a certain time to be here, and all we can do is try to enjoy the people in our lives as long as we can and be as kind as we can knowing “now” is all we have. I do believe it’s healing and healthy to feel safe enough to share. Not all people are good listeners, but whether it’s in a support group or with a therapist or good friend, it helps. We never are realy ready for bad things to happen, or I wasn’t, maybe naive and overly enthusiastic when younger, but I got burned so many times in so many ways. And I sometimes made some decisions that cost, and wouldn’t had I used wisdom. At this point in my life, as a senior, I believe we are given an opportunity for growth, a chance to find the freedom in forgiving and know that life is still worthwhile, and we just keep on learning and growing while we are here. Hopefully, we can find the place to say, “I got through it, and I am okay, maybe even better than okay, and I still love and I am loved.” Also, I believe we are never alone. There isn’t perfect peace in an imperfect world, but we truly can have inner peace that I believe is God given when we seek it as we trust in him. And we may never understand why our particular personal world was shaken up in ways that certainly didn’t seem fair, and maybe happened when we were young children and unable to protect ourselves, leaving scars that don’t heal easily, but,in time, learn to accept and be thankful for the learning and growing to love and and forgive through whatever life brings. Also to learn we have a right to be respected, that it’s okay to say “no” and to be selective and alert to abuse. I certainly have had my roller coaster rides at times with life’s unexpected events, and then I turn to the God I have faith in, and ask him to guide me and show me what he wants me to learn even as I am thinking I wish I didn’t have to go through this, but somehow the load gets lighter, and the impossible becomes possible and that peace does begin to enter my heart knowing that somehow, in the big picture, it’s all going to work out all right.

We are all in pain….searching for the balm that will make our wounds heal. This helps. It puts the journey into focus. It does not make the journey easy. I was married to Tiger’s clone for 15 years. The apologies….I’ve heard it all! Empty words from an empty man. Forgiveness? Not there yet….doubt I ever will be. The feelings of violation and now isolation as he quickly married another “victim”. Wallow? Years worth. I feel stuck. Therapist? helps….but I still feel like I say the same thing over and over. I get up in the morning….have to take care of the dogs (highly recommend this source of unconditional love!!). Bless all of you who join me in this painful and lonely journey. Wouldn’t it be great if we all could join together??

As I look over these comments I can’t help but see that, in life, we all need to look at the big picture in order to appreciate it. What I mean is, if you have your health, you really have everything there is in life to be grateful for no matter your lot in life. I used to always be stressed out & depressed about my weight, work issues, finances, relatives taking me for granted. My older & only sister would visit me only when they needed money. Never calls me just to see how I’m doing, much less visit me, although I have run into her family in town. Well I my only child, a daughter, was diagnosed with a brain tumor in May of ‘07 at the age of 25. She had been working in the credit dept. at the same place where I work & had her own car. She had been planning to attend college. Well now she was left disabled as result of surgery. She now has double vision issues & is unable to drive. The right side of her face & left side of her body are now partially paralyzed. She had a cerebellum tumor. This area of the head is the root or stem of the head. It controlls vision, speech, eating, walking, and it affected all of these areas. Her equilibrium is off so she has difficulty walking on her own. She is doing much better now but she has changed so much in so little time. She is now very self-conscious of going out in public, people are callous & will just stop & stare. Her skin broke out in acne due to the medication she was given at the hospitals. Doctors told me it was because alot of the medications given to patients contain steroids. Her skin was left with alot of scarring. She had low self-esteem issues to begin with & I know that with this she feels she’s hit rock bottom. She has a provider stay with her while my husband & I go to work all week & I know she
s tired of this arrangement. I am terrified of leaving her alone for fear she may fall & break a leg or her back. She says it feels like a chore just to get around. It seems likes she’s gone from the age of 25 to 85 overnight. As a parent, I don’t know what to do, just pray to God to have mercy & give my baby back her health. I am doing all I can do to help her get exercise & taking her to a dermatologist to help with the skin, but they are so expensive. So, as I said before, in life, all you really need to be happy is your health, because no amount of money in the world can buy it!!!

Hopefully, “Adig”, you will accept my prayers for your daughter and you for all the heartache you experience with her health issues, and the lack of understanding from some family and strangers. That is the sad part of imperfect human beings. I have had serious health issues that began with a serious auto accident, and have learned family and many people are unable to understand or afraid to reach out to be a friend. Your daughter is blessed to have you, and I have no doubt in her heart she is feeling grateful for you. And I believe that God never leaves her side or yours. It’s a heartache no parent should have to endure, but so many do, which doesn’t make your situation any less important. My feelings of sadness is that so many humans just can’t deal well with people who are limited in some physical way, but sometimes someone unexpectedly comes along to encourage or show love. Don’t give up. Life on this earth is just a struggle – a different struggle for everyone. I would pray for more gentleness and kindness in this world when people need that. We all need it, without the judgment and condemnation because no one is perfect. So, that is why I say, hard as it may be, to forgive those who hurt because they don’t know any better. It’s their problem. And I would pray that some of those that are around you and your family will allow themselves the opportunity to grow up, and think of what they can do to help you and your daughter, and that God will bring people into your lives to give you encouragement and hope. My family completely treats me as if I do not exist because I no longer can be there to do anything for them, and they are self-serving. I have just given up on concerning myself with them, and know in my heart that God is with me and gives me strength though each day. I am in the reaching the end of my time on this earth, so I just am thankful for each day, even though it isn’t what I would like it to be. I have my moments, then remind myself that God is love, and the world is missing out on God’s best, so when he gave man free will, too many got really selfish and forgot to love God, one another and themselves. So, here we are, but no matter what, each day is a gift, and you are very, very special. Your daughter is very, very special. I pray for God’s best for you.

I lost my husband of 42 years just 4 months ago–I hurt as bad today as that day–we had good times and bad times–we have 6 devoted children–but he was the glue–now I am learning day by day what strength I have–I was the one employed–he was disabled for 30 years–but he still was the foundation of our life—knowing that the one who was always there to listen-who you could argue with and still be friends–who would be the last one to say “I love you”-not having this anymore is the biggest lost—but I am taking it day by day–this month I plan on not calling in and saying I can’t do it today–I will get to work–even if late–I will get out and walk the dogs–they need it and so do I–I have returned to church–I know God is guiding me and I always have my guy to talk to–the inspirational readings do help at times–and yes there are times that grief overtakes everything I do and I just let it have it way–but only for a limited time–healing is different for everyone–no one can say how or when you will heal if ever–but to live with it and function and love the life I have is my goal–

Somedays we are the pigeon, somedays we are the statue.

I wish I would have seen this posting 2 months ago. I am currently going thru a divorce after 15 years. He says he is not cheating so even worse in my eyes how people can just say i don’t love you or us anymore. Anyway time heals as i can say that now but 2 months ago i felt like my life was over and nothing anyone could say or do would change that but you have to work at it. it does not come naturally but give yourself the time you need to heal and deal with your feelings as i feel if you don’t they will creep back up when you least expect it.

This is a wonderful post. Something always turns up just when you need it. I am contemplating divorcing my cheating husband of 19 years. Right now I’m trying to find reasons to stay, but other than the negative effect it will have on our children (ages 14 and 11), I can’t find a single reason. I never thought that I would be in this position at this stage of my life.

I agree with the Six Steps as I have been through that process many times in my life. Each time it is a bit different, but I think that comes with the various stages of life. One thing I would like to stress is the need for gratitude. If you had a great spouse, home, child, friend, parent, job, or whatever; you were indeed very lucky. Some people go through life never having any of these things and still have hope.
A wise lady once told me that the reason “Hope” is the greatest gift is because if you lose your hope, you have nothing.
Another very important thing I learned is that terrible things that happen to me are not necessarily for me to be “taught a lesson” but for those around me to be given the opportunity to be better people. This is the only way to explain the death of a small child, for example. When someone doesn’t reach out to another who is suffering; they may not be punished; they just lose a blessing.
Like many of you, I am going through the most difficult and alone time of my life. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and at the end of the day I can say, “well done.”