The other day I was responding to someone who was dreading the holidays with her ‘dysfunctional family’ (her words). It got me thinking about that word, dysfunctional, and how it implies that there is an opposite, functional, family somewhere. What does that look like? Is it a Perfect Family? Some Stepford-like pod of people who never fight, are always neat and smiling? Yeesh! That sounds horrible. In fact it sounds downright dysfunctional!
So what is a functional family? How do we know if we have one? How would you define a functional family?
The study of family dynamics, family therapy and treatment are complex and a whole field of psychology in itself. While I don’t have all the answers, I do have some thoughts. These impressions come as much from my experience as from education and training. No family is perfect, even the functioning ones. My family of origin was what I’d call dysfunctionally functional. From them I learned as much what not to do as the opposite. In my work with couples and counseling parents, I see what works and what doesn’t.
So here’s my personal list of qualities that make up a family that functions. It’s unscientific, but it’s a good place to start the discussion. Functional families encourage and provide:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Respect is the Holy Grail of functional families. All people in the family, brothers to sisters, mothers to fathers, parents to kids must be respectful as consistently as possible. Being considerate of each other is the tie that binds, even more than love. I think too much emphasis is put on love in general. I’ve heard of many atrocities done within families in the name of love but never in the name of respect. Just about all the things on the list come out of respect first.
An Emotionally Safe Environment.
All members of the family can state their opinions, thoughts, wants, dreams, desires and feelings without fear of being slammed, shamed, belittled or dismissed.
A Resilient Foundation.
When relationships between and amongst people in a family are healthy they can withstand stress, even trauma, and, if not bounce back, at least recover. Resilience starts with encouraging sound health, eating and sleeping well, and physical activity.
Privacy.
Privacy of space, of body and of thought. Knock and ask permission to enter before going through a closed door. All family members are sensitive regarding personal space and aren’t insulted if someone needs a wide berth.
Accountability.
Being accountable is not the same as planting a homing device on your kid or abusing the cell phone to track her whereabouts 24/7. That’s not much better than stalking. No, being accountable is (again with the respect thing) respectfully and reasonably informing people in the family where you are and what you are doing so they can grow trust and not worry.
An Apology.
It’s sad when people hold out for an apology on a point of pride, never acknowledging their part in a dispute. How many times have you heard of rifts in families that last for years because someone feels they are ‘owed an apology’?
A functional family will have conflict. It’s very cool when we can have an argument and get to the other side of it still friendly and satisfied with the outcome. But let’s face it, that’s not always the case. Sometimes we say things that we regret. If we can feel and show remorse for our part, quickly apologize, ask for and receive forgiveness, no harm is done. You may even become closer for it.
Allow Reasonable Expression of Emotions.
When I was growing up I wasn’t allowed to be angry at my parents and my father would walk out on me if I cried. I was determined to not do that to my kids. It hasn’t been easy. The main thing for me was to teach them to state their anger in a managed manner and to teach myself not to fly off the handle when they did. I had to learn that their telling me they weren’t happy with something I did or said could be done with respect. And, very importantly, vice versa.
Gentle on Teasing and Sarcasm.
Teasing can be OK as long as the teased is in on the joke. Same with sarcasm. A functional family won’t use either as a poorly masked put down.
Allows People to Change and Grow.
It used to be people in the family were labeled the smart one or the pretty one, the funny one or the shy one. While that’s not done so overtly any more, labeling is still something to watch. A functional family lets people define themselves. Individual differences are appreciated even celebrated. It also lets the kids become independent when it’s appropriate and come back to the safety of the family when they need nurturing.
The adults in the family need to be allowed to grow as well. A mother may want to get a graduate degree, or a father may decide to retire early and start something new. These changes merit discussion on how they will effect everyone in the family, adjustment, perhaps negotiation, but again, if done with respect every one can be satisfied.
Parents Work as a Co-Parenting Team.
I strongly believe that a functional family is one where the adults are at the center of the family, in charge and pulling together in the same direction. In a functional family parents, divorced or married, take responsibility. Kids need the assurance that a firm hand (not too tight and not too loose) is at the tiller, even if they may not thank you for it.
Courtesy at Home First.
An ounce of a well-placed ‘please’ or ‘thank you’, ‘you’re welcome’ or ‘I’m sorry’ is worth a pound of explanations, defensive arguments and misunderstandings.
Encourages Siblings to Work Together.
Brothers and sisters have a unique relationship and it’s a dead shame when it is not nourished. Functional parents encourage siblings to play, work and problem solve together, enhancing inter-sib communication, instead of interfering with their arguments. That way siblings feel empowered and their bond is closer when they find a solution by themselves.
Provides Clear Boundaries.
We aren’t each other’s friends. A parent is a parent no matter how friendly they may be. Our children are not extensions of ourselves, they are individuals. Do not ‘friend’ them on Facebook unless you talk about it first and they say it’s OK and they mean it.
Has Each Others’ Backs.
Part of resilience – being supportive to each other no matter what, will allow your kid to call you when he thinks he’s in trouble, like needing a ride home from a party that’s gotten too wild.
Get Each Other’s Sense of Humor.
Functional families laugh a lot. They have ‘inside’ jokes and favorite stories, anecdotes of memories shared that delight and re-enforces a healthy bond.
Eat Meals Together.
So hard to do in today’s society but research does show that communication within a family is enhanced if we take more meals together, even if it’s in front of the TV.
Follow The Golden Rule.
It’s golden for a reason. “Treat each other as we wish to be treated in turn.” It was true way back when and it’s still true now.
Please share with me what you would add or change on your own list of what makes a family functional!
Photo courtesy of Somerset via Flickr
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11 Comments to
“What Makes a Family Functional vs Dysfunctional?”
Vickie at 7:16 am on
December 15th, 2009Your list was interesting. I was more and more intrigued to keep reading as your article progressed so I could find out what you considered disfunctionally functional. What I found as I read was a confirmation of the issues which were the major ones I had myself identified through the years which resulted in a disjointed family that continues today. Our problems are not that we don’t know how to get along at holiday gatherings. Our problems are that we don’t know how to bond together to form a cohesive family. All the ingredients you mentioned are there which make it easy to function together when we are celebrating holidays for 4 or 5 days together at a time. But as a family, our parents are dead now, there are we four children left, and we have no “emotionally safe environment”, “resilient foundation”,”ability to apologize”,”reasonable expression of emotions”,”teasing and sarcasm”,”allowance of people to change and grow”,”encouragement of siblings to work together (big one)”,or “having each other’s backs”. In my family of origin, there was very little expression of love from our parents and each child felt alone and on his own. There was much un-expressed anger. When we left home as adults, we went our separate ways and never “bonded” as siblings. It is still much that way. It makes me sad. Through the years, we had formal familial rules handed down from earlier generations which made holiday gatherings tolerable but there was still an underlying current of sadness.
Great blog I would like to republish it on Women New Baby Care Please. thanks
Airmed at 11:38 am on
December 16th, 2009This is an excellent topic and your list covers a lot of ground well. I would add, for many families, the “dysfunctionally functional” attributes may be very important to understand so that there is improvement in the functional family behaviors.
As the sole neurotypical (and female) member of a small family whose other members have Aspergers syndrome (high functioning), if my behavior is not continually and diligently modeling the attributes on your list, things rapidly fall apart because the other family members can’t maintain most of the functional relational behaviors on their own. Sadly, in these kinds of families, the disintegration can go on for years if none of the family members understand why the relationships are so difficult. So a professional diagnosis may be crucial in helping those family members who are willing to accept, and thus understand, the “dysfunctional” behaviors that form in relationships where neurodevelopmental issues are dominant and have been unrecognized.
There are a lot of families like mine and I am noticing that those who’ve had a diagnosis and some professional help to guide them seem to do much better when CBT and collaborative problem solving approaches are used. Even when participation is limited to only the willing member(s), the children are helped because there is overall improvement in the family environment. Even a little bit more “fresh air” can be life saving in cases like this (literally). Maybe this is form of psychological triage, but it may be the best way to get/provide help.
vesuvius at 12:22 pm on
December 16th, 2009Your article was interesting and many of the points fit my in-laws. They pull together and blame everyone but themselves thinking they are always right. My wife refuses to apologize even though I do apologize to her. I would add people that are closed minded like my in-laws instead of being open to different ideas from others. The family started with a mother and husband from abusive families, sex abuse and physical abuse for the other spouse as they grew up. It lead to extreme issues with sex and intimacy that has been passed down to the kids that has lead to four divorces out of five kids along with two long separations for the other marriages. I would add people that don’t include in-laws traditions around holidays.
All this time I’ve been fighting to make meaning of ‘functional’. To me it has meant to be willing to do & be the best I possible can on a continuos basis. I guess I’ve been on the right path somewhat. I’m sure this will help many of us, especially those who tend to carry the guilt complex, guilt to be a perfect family.Thanks!
CG at 12:38 pm on
December 16th, 2009Wouldn’t change a thing on the list – and plan to share it with others. RESPECT is at the heart -it’s love in action, treating others with care and concern, no matter what you “feel” at a particular moment. And it’s a nice change to have someone come at this identifying the source of strengths. Now, if only my family would cooperate 
bonie at 1:08 am on
December 17th, 2009It’s sad for me to read this list. It is not the family I grew up in and it is not how I raised my kids. Mental illness, alcoholism, and mean spirits caused by neglect and abuse were the problems that, much as my husband and I tried to be different, we passed on to our kids. We were naive to think that trying hard to be good parents (w/o any real idea of what that meant) and not drinking would make a difference. As it is, my children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews are just as dysfunctional as my family of origin. In some ways they are worse.
sue b. at 2:21 pm on
December 17th, 2009and…the ability to talk about what is wrong/not working, even if that is not “in the heat of the moment” – that makes all the difference.
Nancy at 10:06 am on
December 18th, 2009Wow! Did I ever grow up in a dysfunctional family!!! All of the above were violated!
Perez at 7:59 pm on
January 1st, 2010This list is really amazing and I guess I can say that I really did grow up in a “functional” family.
The only one we were kinda off on was the teasing/sarcasm, we tease each other with sarcasm way too often and some of us don’t take it too lightly.For Example, my mother, this hilarious Puertorican lady who unbelieveably can’t take jokes. Boy was that frustrating growing up.
But getting back to the subject at hand this list is truly what i would think would lead everyone to just coexist in harmony. Great job!
Lesley Ann Peters at 11:53 am on
February 3rd, 2010excellent article…is this what a functional family looks like? I have a small family and very, dysfunctional. My question is how you overcome the damage a dysfunctional family causes?
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 15 Dec 2009
