Comments on: Stepmonster: 8 Reasons Why Stepmothers Are Prone to Depression

By: Clea

Clea — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 20:48:51 +0000

All very good points in this article, but I am astonished that “pressure from conflict with a husband’s ex with a high conflict personality” isn’t cited here as a major reason for depression in stepmothers. I personally have had very few problems with my stepchild himself, but his mother? Now that’s a different story! If you look for advice on how to cope as a SM you are inundated with advice on how to deal with the kids, but very little on how to deal with a high-conflict ex. Odd, as I know that this is a very common problem.

By: Wanting to Scream

Wanting to Scream — Tue, 25 Jan 2011 20:55:28 +0000

I have been with my 16 yo stepdaughter since she was 4. This past year has been, well, trying. I have gone from being “more like a mom than my own my” to “stepmonster”. I have had no contact in 6 months. Her & dad are in counseling. I have 2 grown kids who also haven’t talked to her in 7 months. Now I find out that her mother took her to my daughters house to visit because stepdaughter misses her.

I feel like I have been pushed in, pulled under & held down to drown. Hubby has contact, his family has contact & now she is in contact with my family. But no contact with me. Talk about feeling lower than dirt.

By: I Think I’m Pretty Certain That I Might Definitely Hate You | J David Weter Dot Com

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 04:07:16 +0000

[...] Stepmonster: 8 Reasons Why Stepmothers Are Prone to Depression (psychcentral.com) [...]

By: Jonesey

Jonesey — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 22:20:42 +0000

Oh my, I wish I’d had this to reassure me long ago– I went through it all years ago – when as a 30 yr old live-in “girlfriend” I assumed chief mothering responsibilities for 11 and 13 yr old boys – one of whom was absolutely furious at his natural mother(a psychiatrist who had seen him told me, rather haltingly, “You should know, ah, that he has no respect for women.”)
My “Sig other” -their dad, had an a impossible time making the transition from vacation Dad to full time parent, in that he never would apply or support any sort of regular discipline(not punishment, just rules). And his work at the time kep him away for days at a time – turning me into an unprepared, scared, single parent!

The good – basically the boys never did the “you’re not my mother” routine, but would challenge and testconstantly. My “common-law” MIL was a tremendous support – but I would never vent my feeling about lack of support to her (but bless her heart, she did give me some insight into her son which at least allowed me to see that i wasn’t somehow responsible for his reactions, too).

But there were some awful times – mostly due to feeling unsupported by my SO. And among my own friends group – there were either women with little of their own, or single women w/o kids — our experiences just were wildly different. And I had a demanding job to boot.

One of the “little” things I identified as a unique step-problem had to do with the holidays. When the boys lived with their mother, their dad would pick them up and take them to visit with his sister in a different state(. When they live full-time with us, they spent big holidays with their mom – eg. flying off before Christmas, returning afterwards). Aside from being another source of stress for all, it meant that we never really pulled together strong family traditions which, I believe, help a new family to create itself as a new unit.

Writing about it brings back a lot of feelings— it took me years to give myself a pat on the back for what I did manage to do, and to stop stabbing myself in the heart for not being the perfect (step)mom. I can tell stories that are tragic or comic or, most often, both.

Bottom line for me – I am glad to have had my relationships with my sons, but would tell any woman considering this commitment to have a very serious values and childrearing discussion with her potential husband or partner. You can let values slide a bit in an adult relationship – but when it come to how you raise children, it becomes terribly important. And most of all you must have faith in his (her) support and respect for you; and willingness to confront the problems that will arise. Easier said …

Oh, and one hint that you may be doing well in your relationship with stepkids even if they won’t let on. If their friends are nice to you – you aren’t being seen as the wicked stepmom! [Wicked, not black]

By: Part of Husband's Posse

Part of Husband's Posse — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:02:53 +0000

Oh — I meant to say that my name here was how stepdaughter dubbed me, in her refusal to have a mature relationship with me!

By: Part of Husband's Posse

Part of Husband's Posse — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 17:00:37 +0000

My 22 y/o stepdaughter has been the primary reason for tension in my 2 y/o marriage. She lives 2 hours from us, and has visited us twice (once for our wedding), and my husband has driven to see her numerous times. I used to go with him until she requested he come alone. She is clearly angry about my existence. She and my husband had a barely working relationship before I came along, and it is now nearly non-existent. Long story short, I am resisting bearing the brunt of a nasty divorce and its toxic fallout, and my husband acknowledges his split loyalties to me and his daughter. Thank heavens she was older when we met, so I feel in no way responsible for parenting her, as my own 2 kids are well-adjusted and accepting of my 2nd marriage. We are in therapy now to figure out how to handle the situation.

By: monkeylegs

monkeylegs — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 16:39:27 +0000

I worked my way out of depression– that really hit hard after I became a stepmom. Ruminating was the worst part for me. There is also the feeling of being constantly compared– even favorably. I felt like a discount parent. My husband can have the same feelings about the kids, but when I have a negative one– it is viewed as wrong. I thought it would get better when the kids grew up– but it really does not change. My attitude has changed, and that makes a difference. It does help that we love each other– they are the closest thing that I will ever have to children of my own. It does hurt my feelings when they refer to me on the phone to their friends as the stepmonster.

By: Carlie

Carlie — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 00:50:45 +0000

Tabitha..White…as in pure and unblemished.

By: observer

observer — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 21:06:59 +0000

So true and double standards don’t go away once they’re adults. My stepson is 24 and his father allows him to yell at me, curse, call me names, and usually believes his son’s version over mine. I am not perfect but I have 4 sons who are responsible, caring adults…and I each middle school. I do have lots of expereince but not with this kind of anger. This stepson is out of control and sick. He has escalated from underaged drinking, drugs, lies to several DUI’s, drug arrests, dropped out of college 3 times, lies, addicted to porn for yeaars and now has been arrested for child porn. I no longer will allow him in my home. I am disgusted and saw this coming but my husband would not hear my concerns…I think I have to leave him…it’s getting worse, not better with age.

By: Tabitha

Tabitha — Sat, 28 Nov 2009 17:34:50 +0000

“Whiter than white”? Really?

I guess bad stepmothers are black.

Think as you write, please.