In her insightful book, Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do, author Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. explains why stepmothering is the “perfect storm” for depression. Here are eight risk factors she lists:
Risk Factor 1: Isolation and Alienation
Stepmothers often feel cut off from their husbands over stepfamily issues and different from the moms in their circles of friends who don’t have to deal with the tension and conflict involved in blending families.
Risk Factor 2: Rumination
What happens when you are isolated from the rest of the pack, estranged from the group of moms who are clueless to your issues? You think. A lot. Too much. Way too much. Martin quotes Yale psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Ph.D, who defines ruminative thinking as “a cycle of rethinking the past, worrying excessively about the future, not taking action, going over and over the same issues, letting concern spread to other issues, until there’s an avalanche of concern and a feeling of being overwhelmed.”
Risk Factor 3: Relational Tendencies
Martin calls the stepfamily a “tinderbox of sorts,” when you consider the combination of the stepmother’s relational tendencies with that of her often less emotional or relational husband and a bunch of resentful stepkids.
Risk Factor 4: Overcompensation and the Need to “Fix It”
Writes Martin: “With the specter of the wicked stepmother floating above our heads, we are under enormous pressure to prove–to the world and to ourselves–that we are not corrupt or sadistic, that we are, in fact, good, even perfect and beyond reproach. A fifty-eight-year-old stepmother named Belinda calls this the “Cinderella-in-reverse syndrome”–the stepmother’s drive to be whiter than white, better than best, and her tendency to overcompensate at her expense.
Risk Factor 5: Double Standards That Disempower
Martin has a great point here. Stepchildren are allowed to dislike and resent their stepmoms, while a stepmom must always show unconditional love for her stepchildren. And the author is right, too, when she argues that stepchildren have social support when they vent about their evil stepmom. The stepmom? Better close the trap.
Risk Factor 6: Punching Bag Syndrome
Do stepmoms get blamed for things they aren’t responsible for? According to Martin, the blame game has been documented by many stepfamily researchers and experts. Stepmoms can rest assured that they are not just imagining this inequality. They are, according to the note-takers with lots of initials after their names, receiving heat for stuff they didn’t do.
Risk Factor 7: Unsupportive Husbands
Writes Martin: “A woman’s husband can make all the difference in her adjustment to remarriage with children and to the smooth functioning of the family. One study, however, found that nearly half of the remarried men with children interviewed expected their wives to be ‘more maternal’ than they were with their children. Such expectations can clash with women’s agendas and desires, especially when we are repeatedly rebuffed or disappointed in our attempts to build a bridge to his kids.”
Risk Factor 8: Professional Bias and Bad Advice
The “avalanche of unsolicited advice,” Martin contends, can be a real home wrecker and an emotional wrecker if you let it. All moms have to deal with the self-righteous, in-your-face opinions of people who just don’t have a clue. All moms resent this. But a stepmom gets even more of these “you’d better do it this way or you’re damned” pointers than the average mom–and the pointers are probably even more dangerous–because a stepmom’s situation is so complex and thorny.
If you are feeling depressed, it might be helpful to contact the National Stepfamily Resource Center to find a therapist who can help.
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I Think I’m Pretty Certain That I Might Definitely Hate You | J David Weter Dot Com (12/2/2009)
7 Comments to
“Stepmonster: 8 Reasons Why Stepmothers Are Prone to Depression”
“Whiter than white”? Really?
I guess bad stepmothers are black.
Think as you write, please.
So true and double standards don’t go away once they’re adults. My stepson is 24 and his father allows him to yell at me, curse, call me names, and usually believes his son’s version over mine. I am not perfect but I have 4 sons who are responsible, caring adults…and I each middle school. I do have lots of expereince but not with this kind of anger. This stepson is out of control and sick. He has escalated from underaged drinking, drugs, lies to several DUI’s, drug arrests, dropped out of college 3 times, lies, addicted to porn for yeaars and now has been arrested for child porn. I no longer will allow him in my home. I am disgusted and saw this coming but my husband would not hear my concerns…I think I have to leave him…it’s getting worse, not better with age.
Tabitha..White…as in pure and unblemished.
I worked my way out of depression– that really hit hard after I became a stepmom. Ruminating was the worst part for me. There is also the feeling of being constantly compared– even favorably. I felt like a discount parent. My husband can have the same feelings about the kids, but when I have a negative one– it is viewed as wrong. I thought it would get better when the kids grew up– but it really does not change. My attitude has changed, and that makes a difference. It does help that we love each other– they are the closest thing that I will ever have to children of my own. It does hurt my feelings when they refer to me on the phone to their friends as the stepmonster.
My 22 y/o stepdaughter has been the primary reason for tension in my 2 y/o marriage. She lives 2 hours from us, and has visited us twice (once for our wedding), and my husband has driven to see her numerous times. I used to go with him until she requested he come alone. She is clearly angry about my existence. She and my husband had a barely working relationship before I came along, and it is now nearly non-existent. Long story short, I am resisting bearing the brunt of a nasty divorce and its toxic fallout, and my husband acknowledges his split loyalties to me and his daughter. Thank heavens she was older when we met, so I feel in no way responsible for parenting her, as my own 2 kids are well-adjusted and accepting of my 2nd marriage. We are in therapy now to figure out how to handle the situation.
Oh — I meant to say that my name here was how stepdaughter dubbed me, in her refusal to have a mature relationship with me!
Oh my, I wish I’d had this to reassure me long ago– I went through it all years ago – when as a 30 yr old live-in “girlfriend” I assumed chief mothering responsibilities for 11 and 13 yr old boys – one of whom was absolutely furious at his natural mother(a psychiatrist who had seen him told me, rather haltingly, “You should know, ah, that he has no respect for women.”)
My “Sig other” -their dad, had an a impossible time making the transition from vacation Dad to full time parent, in that he never would apply or support any sort of regular discipline(not punishment, just rules). And his work at the time kep him away for days at a time – turning me into an unprepared, scared, single parent!
The good – basically the boys never did the “you’re not my mother” routine, but would challenge and testconstantly. My “common-law” MIL was a tremendous support – but I would never vent my feeling about lack of support to her (but bless her heart, she did give me some insight into her son which at least allowed me to see that i wasn’t somehow responsible for his reactions, too).
But there were some awful times – mostly due to feeling unsupported by my SO. And among my own friends group – there were either women with little of their own, or single women w/o kids — our experiences just were wildly different. And I had a demanding job to boot.
One of the “little” things I identified as a unique step-problem had to do with the holidays. When the boys lived with their mother, their dad would pick them up and take them to visit with his sister in a different state(. When they live full-time with us, they spent big holidays with their mom – eg. flying off before Christmas, returning afterwards). Aside from being another source of stress for all, it meant that we never really pulled together strong family traditions which, I believe, help a new family to create itself as a new unit.
Writing about it brings back a lot of feelings— it took me years to give myself a pat on the back for what I did manage to do, and to stop stabbing myself in the heart for not being the perfect (step)mom. I can tell stories that are tragic or comic or, most often, both.
Bottom line for me – I am glad to have had my relationships with my sons, but would tell any woman considering this commitment to have a very serious values and childrearing discussion with her potential husband or partner. You can let values slide a bit in an adult relationship – but when it come to how you raise children, it becomes terribly important. And most of all you must have faith in his (her) support and respect for you; and willingness to confront the problems that will arise. Easier said …
Oh, and one hint that you may be doing well in your relationship with stepkids even if they won’t let on. If their friends are nice to you – you aren’t being seen as the wicked stepmom! [Wicked, not black]
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 29 Nov 2009
