Many readers are grieving loved ones, and the grief certainly contributes to their depression. A fantastic book I just came across is Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again by Roberta Temes, Ph.D., a noted psychotherapist and the author of “Living with an Empty Chair” and “The Tapping Cure.” I have reprinted with permission of her publisher 11 different kinds of therapies and activities to help you grieve a loss.
What can you do to feel better? Sometimes you need to take action. When you do something to relieve your feelings and to give yourself a sense of achievement, you are accomplishing your journey through bereavement. Here are some activities–and some behaviors you can do–that are therapeutic for you during your bereavement.
1. Work is therapy.
If you are lucky enough to have a job, return to it even if just on a part-time schedule. The structure of getting up and out, the obligation to greet fellow workers, and the need to keep yourself together for a requisite number of hours is good for you.
2. Socializing is therapy.
It’s important for you to be among people. Lack of contact with friends and acquaintances is a predictor of difficulty in bereavement. There are probably folks who do not want to intrude in your life at this time and are deliberately staying away. If you are feeling isolated, then it’s wise to get in touch with those folks who are being too polite. Set up a lunch date, a weekend walk, or a shopping trip. Adopt a new social policy and say “yes” whenever you are invited anywhere.
3. Organizing is therapy.
When life threatens to overwhelm you, it feels good to have control over something–even if that something is just a room, a desk drawer, a closet, or a shelf. Get yourself back under control by organizing one area of your home at a time. This is a good opportunity to figure out what to do with your loved one’s belongings. Many people are helped when they bring all the loved one’s items, objects, and clothes into one room.
4. Taking action is therapy.
This can be your time to take action. Maybe you want to inform people about health insurance issues that were an obstacle for you. Maybe you want to persuade your political representatives to advocate for legalization of a particular drug or treatment. Or, perhaps you’d like to create a place to meet with others who suffered a loss similar to yours. There are folks who begin websites, chat rooms, or organizations and foundations to highlight a cause that needs consideration.
5. Food is therapy.
Nourish your body properly and it will be good to you. Use mealtime as a social event and invite neighbors and friends to join you. Plan ahead so that you will have company at meals. Get together with others for Sunday brunch, for Wednesday dinner, or for a midweek lunch at a restaurant.
6. Planning is therapy.
Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.
7. Religion is therapy.
There are many useful aspects of religion for the bereaved. There’s the joining of voices in song, the praying, the person of authority telling you that you will be helped, the regularity of meeting times, the social component to the service, and the comforting words in religious readings. A believer will find solace in religion.
8. Writing is therapy.
Putting your thoughts and your feelings into words will help you. Writer Sherri Mandell says that daily writing helped her get through that first terrible year after her son was killed. She remembers, “I would just write and cry and write and cry. It was my therapy.”
9. Art is therapy.
If you are interested in expressing yourself artistically, you are in good company. Some mourners do not speak in words but express their feelings in creative ways by painting, sculpting, writing poetry, writing songs, essays, plays, and more. You don’t have to be an accomplished artist or poet. You simply need to sit down and express your feelings. Novices and professional artists alike find artistic expression during bereavement therapeutic.
10. Learning is therapy.
There is a reciprocal relationship between competence and a good adjustment to the loss of a loved one. Take a one-day class or a full-term class. Attend a one-hour lecture or a summer school session. Learn how to do a magic trick or learn how to grow orchids. Learn, learn, learn.
11. Reading is therapy.
Reading can be your great escape to other lands and to other centuries. Novels may intrigue you and take your mind away from sadness. Memoirs may engage you in someone else’s life. Mysteries may compel you to use your brain to ponder a dilemma belong to someone else, not you–a welcome relief.
Want to learn more?
Check out the book on Amazon.com: Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again by Roberta Temes, Ph.D.
Much of this article is © 2009 Roberta Temes. All rights reserved. Published by AMACOM Books. www.amacombooks.org. Reprinted here with permission
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“11 Kinds of Therapy to Help You Grieve a Loss”
Among my many responsibilities include mentorship. Tragically, one of my mentees died last month. As I processed my feelings and grief and supported others who grieved Tyler’s loss, I spanned the panorama of grief “therapies” listed above.
Frankly, because of the tragic and sudden nature of Tyler’s death there was no warning. So much of my response was subtle efforts to have control in the midst of the uncontrollable:
1. Work is therapy – I tried to keep busy.
2. Socializing is therapy – I sought to support others.
3. Organizing is therapy – At least I could control my stuff!
4. Taking action is therapy – I — graciously — was chosen by Tyler’s family to contribute at the funeral.
5. Food is therapy — Voila; fortunately I did not default into destructive old habits.
6. Planning is therapy – again a subtle control!
7. Religion is therapy – I prayed for God’s help for myself and the hundreds of who grieved with me.
8. Writing is therapy – I thought long and hard about my affection and contribution in Tyler’s far too short life.
9. Art is therapy – Only with words.
10. Learning is therapy – In learning I could control some of the input. Much of my thoughts involuntarily went to grief and consolation.
11. Reading is therapy — See #10
BODYWORK is therapy. As I progressed through the stages of shock and numbness, sleeplessness, holding my in as if trying to protect my heart. I found I needed yoga, massage or myofascial work or chiropractic to undo the physical manifestations of my grief. My neck would just ache til I could barely turn it. My shoulders and arms and lower back were stiff and sore. Bodywork has been essential to help me keep moving through my grief.
Therese,
Lovely points to help those suffering with loss. I think what you are basically saying is take care of yourself, be good to yourself, show mercy to yourself.
Loss is a topic that is a secret in our American culture – until it is personal. Thank you for taking some time to help the grieving world.
Kind regards,
Mary Jane Hurley Brant, M.S., CGP
Well, and then the one who is dying also experiences terrible loss, right? (unless it is a sudden accident?)
The my way is …..
If you lose somebody you must as soon as possible to find another man.
There’s one thing you don’t mention — grieving in therapy. Allowing yourself to voice your sorrow through your tears, through creating memento altars, through being alone to weep, to hold others as you process — all of this is greiving. To grieve is to be; it is a state of being and notonly an activity. Activities of any kind can’t save you from what you need to move through, which is natural and healing.
Therese:
Thank you MUCH for placing out these 11 steps, they are so accurate & very helpful and I coincide with them totally!. I will just add EXERCISE as it is SO good for your mind, body & soul. Also it is proven that exercising prevent you from falling into depression .
It felt good to check and realize that in my process I am following all the 11 steps. This is why maybe I am good and moving on in the midst of my loss..in a short period of time(3 months).
I do want to say that for me and in my life feeling GODS LOVE within me and manifested through all the people and experiences every day has been GREAT!!!
In short: love yourself & others, be good to yourself and others, have mercy with yourself and others!!
Lucia Villagomez, BA Clinical Psychologist
Thanks for the affirmation that I am doing the right things. Since we all
have losses throughout our lives, we all need this.. Having been through
support groups following loved ones deaths, this is the most succinct
writing I have seen on the subject., THESE THINGS WORK! Thanks.
Very helpful,lost my mother 9/9/09.I have been very depressed my body aches all the time and I just feel sick. I believe these activities will help. Thank you.
Having been married for 63 yrs. in a very loving relationship, the sudden death of my husband , (after the initial shock, disbelief, and non acceptance of
reality, I didn’t want to talk to anybody on the phone, or see anybody, and
just stayed in my room at an asstd living residence. I didn’t come down to meals for 2 wks. I didn’t want to see or talk to anybody. I hated this place, but understood that I would feel the same anywhere else. I started to read and totally escaped from my tortuous thoughts. After awhile, I was ready to go to excercise class. After that, I was able to go to the news and schmooze group.
At first, I just listened. Then I began to offer my own thoughts about a news article that had been read. All of these things took nine months. From anger and depression, and hopelessness, one day I experienced a physical shift in my entire body. After an hour or so, I suddenly became aware that I no longer felt depressed, hopeless and not wanting to live. I had been talking to my daughter-in-law when this took place. The date all that changed is one I’ll never forget, because now I actually feel good, a feeling I thought I’d never have, again.
Dear Writer,
I have read of your collected, important writings from her for coping any loved persons losses to our life.
Very good and interesting to read for getting some theories from your writings to this website.
I also suffered of many loved relatives losses in recent decades.
Being a freelance writer, reader, listening some good music,socializing with friends and other well wishers had made me to do some constructive actions for self movement and for others welfare.
Countless thanks to you for your wonderful sayings and to this health website.
With best wishes.,
MY HUSBAND OF 47 YR. WENT TO BE WITH “THE LORD “,7 YEARS AGO. FROM READING THE 11 STEPS; I FEEL LIKE I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO STILL BE LOST IN HIS DEATH. I WAS IN ILL HEALTH, BEFORE. I AM STILL SHUT AWAY TO MYSELF, VERY LONELY (MY FAMILY, WHO ALL LIVES OUT OF TOWN )HAVE JUST ABANDED ME. I’VE ASKED WHATS WRONG? THEY ALL TELL ME NOTHING, THEY ARE JUST BUSY. I GO TO CHURCH EVERY SUNDAY; THEN I’M BACK HOME ALONE. I DON’T LIKE TO TALK ON THE PHONE. HAVE JUST ABOUT STOPPED DOING HOUSEWORK. WHEN I AM WITH OTHERS, I CHOOSE NOT TO CONVERSE. CAN YOU HELP ME? THANK YOU.
To Shirley,
I am no expert but have some suggestions for you. First, find a therapist you can talk to about your feelings. Having this weekly appointment will help you in many ways. Secondly, if your family won’t come to you, go visit them. Planning these events will help you. If it is difficult for you to socialize, perhaps you would feel comfortable volunteering at your church or joining a group there. It sounds like you already have a home in your faith. I lost my son recently and know it is very hard. I will pray for you, please pray for me. God bless you.
For the most part I have figured out on my own the steps needed to keep my mind off of dwelling on my losses, as well as some therapy it helps, but only do as is comfortable to you. Church is what God is to you, let him guide you to what he wants for your life, because we are all different children just as each child we have has different needs. I just lost my dad in June, but I feel I have lost my relationship with my family a long time ago. It is never easy to get through holidays, and special events without family to share with, I can only say after sooo many years of feeling lonely, and distrustful, I can only say it was through and with God I have been able to get through it all. God Bless You all.
When my father died years ago like 22 yrs. ago. My mood changed like bitterness and depression and the man I was with he left me 5 mts. after my fathers death that didn’t help either, but in the long run it was for the best. For my sadness I got moody, It’s not easy to lose a love one but I relized he is in a peaceful place heaven.
I lost a son soon to be 7 years ago to suicide. I’ve had other losses in life, but this was the clincher. I can say that it knocked me down for at least a year where I gained weight from lack of activity and sometimes self medicating through food. Anyway, I gradually came out of it through anti-depressants, therapy, writing, joining a survivor of suicide group, then my mother died from a devastating stroke and my father got cancer and I had to care for him. It took all I could to do this until his death 5 months after my mother’s. Then more death came in my family and my husband’s. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome raised its ugly head. The beginning stages just a couple of months before my son’s death. Years later after excruciating pain, and wrong diagnosis, I had hand surgery and now I’m on the other end of healing from that. But stress is what caused the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Over use of the hands to combat emotional stress.
I used most of the steps recommended in this book although I have not read it, and healing comes bit by bit with set backs until I need to see a therapist again, but different ones. I can now say that I’m almost off of all my antidepressants. I’m losing weight, getting into shape, dejunking, taking care of myself, letting go of certain people or things, inviting new relationships into my life that are healthy and not manipulative. I’m working on standing up for myself again, where before after my son’s death I didn’t care to live and basically could not even concentrate on anything as my short term memory was stunted.
I can say most powerfully that my faith Christ has been the most healing. Because even though I work on the loss of this son, I still have other children and relationships to work on, and since we are all human, I’m going to get disappointed sometime in the future by others, It is important to work out our differences, seek help from above and learn to forgive and let go or confront the person. Whatever is necessary to maintain strength in oneself and not be walked on and give to others knowing all the good and bad that could happen.
We must heal our broken hearts and also protect our hearts from being stomped on, since we don’t know all things. But strive to work forever on strengthening our faith and trust in Him above who does. And that there is a time and a place for everything under Heaven.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 14 Nov 2009
