Up until recently, “No” was dirty word to me. As a stage-four people-pleaser, my vocabulary was rich with affirmatives: “yeah,” “sure,” “okay,” “absolutely,” “no problem.” But my mouth just couldn’t seem to form the consonant-vowel combination required to say “No,” even when “Yes” was simply impossible due to time conficts or just an overdose of stress in my daily life.
I would get stuck at “Nnnnnnn… alright.” Which meant I was doing all kinds of things that I didn’t want to, have to, or have time to do.
If you are like me, surrounded by a modest sampling of users, takers, and even well intentioned askers who could zap all your energy if you let them, take heart! Here are a few fun, simple techniques to get your mind and mouth to work in tandem to repeat after me: NO!
1. Smile and shake your head.
You’ll find this, the most basic form of body language, to be a sweet, nonverbal way to communicate this sentiment: NO WAY.
2. Fill your calendar.
Fill up your daily planner with prior commitments, like long, hot bubble baths. That way, you can say, “No, sorry, but I have an appointment for that evening.”
3. Run out the clock.
Distract the person who’s asking for your time, change the subject, and stall until it’s time to say good-bye.
4. Tape your mouth shut.
You can do this figuratively (or literally!) until you learn how to say: “no,” “nope,” “sorry,” “can’t,” or any other variation. If you don’t say anything, you can’t say, “Sure, I’ll do it!”
5. Let the phone ring.
Just because someone is calling doesn’t mean you have to pick up. An even better method: turn your ringers off. That way you won’t even know that you are saying no!
6. Post a sign.
Think, “Do not disturb” or “Personal Time. Thanks for understanding!” Project to those around you that you’re in privacy mode.
7. Press “send.”
After you have finished composing a polite regret to yet another request by a pushy friend.
8. Walk away.
Put one foot in front of the other until some distance has accumulated between you and the persistent nagger.
9. Volunteer someone.
Find a better person for the job (namely, someone who has more time than you). If they can’t do it, it’s up to them to say no for themselves.
10. Hide.
This is a stronger version of “post a sign” and “walk away.” If you’re still feeling tempted by “yes, I can do that” (when you really can’t), build a metaphorical fort around yourself. Become invisible and completely inaccessible until the users are gone.
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11 Comments to
“Just Say No: 10 Steps to Better Boundaries”
If I have understood you correctly, you seem to be talking about persistent askers. The key here is not how they think of you, but how they think of themselves.
A polite, “I’m sorry, No,” may initially feel like the end of the world to whoever is saying NO, but be assured that persistent askers (think pro sales people)will think nothing the worse of you, and it will be water off a duck’s back to them.
In my own experience, it often leads to a better relationship with the asker.
Life is a 2-way highway.
Great article - I too went through a long period of time saying yes to everything everyone asked me to do - this left me pretty tired and burnt out for a while.
I found that the trick to saying no to others was starting to say no to myself. And I don’t mean this in a negative way - for example, I had been working solidly since 5 am and would be really tired but I would always find something else to do. So I started to say “No, stop - time to stop! Have a rest!” And when I learned this, I found it that much easier to say no to others.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom,
Be well,
Piers
Equally important to finding any way to say NO in order to protect your time boundaries is to not feel guilty about having said no.
This gets easier with practice, and also as you start to see the benefits of taking care of your needs. If you respect yourself in this way, others will respect the choice you are making.
“stage-four people-pleaser” .. haha, I like that. And yes, I count myself in that category. Or used to. Saying “no” does get easier. My favorite is to say, “I’m over committed. Sorry. I wish I had more time in my schedule to help out.” Yes, my over-commitment involves tennis, but they don’t need to know that. Or, even if they do, exercise is a big part of my self care and I have learned to guard that with my life.
I usually blame my kids. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I can’t because I need to drive my kid to soccer practice!” Once I told a charity looking for a fund raiser that my Mom died. She did, eight years ago. It’s kind of too bad we have to come up with excuses but better than caving and growing bitter.
The best thing is to tell folks you have a terminal illness, like AIDS, and then they will stop asking.
My problem is never not being able to say ‘No’ but that others take both yes and no for a yes.
You really have to mean it when you say ‘no’.
My secret weapon is always “I have a DR or Dentist Appointment.” Works like a charm every time.
Saying “no” is important. But not at the time when someones is looking for a job, a contract, or is in depreessed mood. Than it makes things worse.
As for me I sometimes agree to do something extra because I want to feel that someone in this world needs me. Sometimes I regret about this.
Thank you for reminding that saying NO is important too.
It’s always hard saying “no” the first time, especially when its about something or to someone that you have been saying “yes” to for a long time. You can be scared that the person will think badly of you, especially when it is your spouse, children or family. But I really think as we do it more often, we establish new boundaries and a new identity, people will come to respect us and know how to treat us. Consistency is the key to avoiding confusion.
Now you have to broach the tougher issue of when and how to say yes! without losing personal boundaries. I tend to vacillate between hiding and drowning. 
i dont know how i developed this skill, saying NO, because i surely didnt learn it from my people pleasing mother! there is just something so empowering about it and i pass it on to everyone i love! and even a few i dont. no qualifiers, no reasons, no justifications, no lies….just NO. because i said so, thats why!
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Oct 2009
