One of the most enduring posts I’ve ever written here is Bipolar Disorder and Dating. Comments have come in continuously, as people are very concerned about relationships with partners who have bipolar disorder. Some think it’s worth it and some do not. What I’ve noticed is that people who love and support partners who take care of themselves too, who aren’t in denial about the diagnosis and who stick with a treatment plan and want to be well, are those who want to stay and those who say it’s worth staying.
On the other hand, being with a partner during an untreated manic episode can be bad for your mental health and in some cases physical safety as well. Although it is a myth that mentally ill people are more violent, as shown in epidemiological studies, it is also true that there are risk factors that increase the probability of violence. Among them are untreated illness accompanied by substance abuse, and a history of violence. With domestic violence there are patterns involved and habits stick. So if you’re already with a partner who’s assaulted you, well, as one commenter, Melissa, movingly describes:
If I try to approach to console him he sees it as confrontation and lashes out like an angry monster. He compares himself to a wild bear actually. His eyes bulge out showing no mercy and his hands go around my throat and he can barely stop himself from chocking me. And all I have done to bring this on was try to console him, try to nurture him so he may not go into a deep depression because when he does he goes into very self destructive behaviour.
When he is in a BP rage his eyes look like in the movie The Shining, like the eyes of a psychopath, they are filled with pure hate. Yet he says, even in that state, that he knows that I love him, as he shoves me away with all his strengths and demands that he be left alone. I have waited sometimes without moving, wondering will he attack me again, will he kill me this time? And what brought on this response from him? He seemed in a down mood when he came home and I asked him how was his day and I had missed him, he came home late. He turned away instead of answering me, I mentioned that that response hurt me, what was he thinking would he please tell me. And this horrid sound came out of his mouth, an alien growl so loud that made the tenants (2 guys in their late twenties who ride motorcycles) upstairs flee out of the house within seconds after hearing it ….
Ah, that is like to be with a BP partner who will not go for treatment.
How I survived him so far is that I have a safe home to flee to, as long as I can get out.
I replied and mentioned the Hot Peach Pages:
…the illness does not excuse the violence and your safety is more important than your partner’s treatment (although it might also require that he or she gets treatment for both your sakes).
The Hot Peach Pages link to domestic violence shelters, hotlines, counselling services and more, worldwide. It’s an excellent resource and I recommend you find out what’s in your community before you might need it in an emergency. They can also advise on how to approach your partner to talk about getting help for you together, if that’s appropriate.
I am glad you have a safe place to go. Please stay safe. You matter.
And to all the bipolars who’ve ever been violent to an intimate partner now reading - it’s not okay. Get help before regretting a bad episode and losing a relationship, and even going to prison.
To read her reply, visit the original post and scroll down.
Being bipolar doesn’t mean, by default, being violent. But this is one more reason to get help if you’re not getting it now.
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18 Comments to
“Bipolar Domestic Violence”
Thanks for the HotPeachPages link. I will file that one away for future use. As for the bipolar issue, you present such an important point. Individuals who work hard to manage their disorder, who listen to difficult feedback and follow treatment recommendations are more likely to maintain their relationships.
I was hoping to find info helpful for someone with BPD on the receiving end of abuse who has been made to feel like they are the crazy one and their perception is skewed and abuse doesn’t really exist.
There is a very important play being performed that is helping to bust down the walls of stigma attached to bipolar disorder. You can read all about it http://www.type2bipolarshow.com
We are hoping it will be in a city near you in the very near future.
Cheers and best wishes to all,
Michelle
P.S.
The play is called ‘Type 2 - A Tragic Comedy’ and was masterfully written by Jason Gale who is successfully living Bipolar Disorder.
Cheers!
Thanks for the link, Michelle.
Anon, being “made to feel like they are the crazy one and their perception is skewed and abuse doesn’t really exist” is actually a pretty common tactic of abusers. You can find help at the Hot Peach Pages, there are people who understand the dynamic. It’s awful that your illness is used against you like that. You don’t deserve it.
Hi…you know after reading the page here over again…I wish first and most of all that dear Anon finds peace in her relationship and that her partner finds the inner peace (through treatment, medication and a strong support system) needed to quiet the monster within…I’ve seen it…it is ugly and frightening.
I wish you could both see our show…only because it is helping so many people….I’ve seen the affect on audiences…it is very therapeutic for both sides of the bipolar disorder fence…those living with it and those living with people who have BD.
I’ll keep you in my thoughts Anon and hope you stay safe and things become manageable for you both…how ever that needs to happen.
Sincerely,
Michelle
With these ideas, it only makes sense why my relationships come and go. People that I have been with see that I go through mood changes but I am on medication. I don’t get violent; however, I am a tall big guy and that already intimidates people. If I slightly raise my deep voice, some people get shaky. Thank God, there have been people in the past that have said “if you really look behind that, you really are a nice guy.” Thanks to sterotypes that big men are dangerous and that those with bipolar disorder are dangerous too. Thanks for your article. Now I know why I am alone. I know why I isolate myself.
my Mother,Debbie Manka ,went off and married her Psychologist/therapist Matt Manka. It destroyed our family and my brothers mental health as well as mine. it also destroyed my fathers health as he and my mother(debbie)r were going to Matt for marriage counseling initially. Now Matt and Debbie are running Lifestream Solutions in Arizona.I personally do not think they should be allowed to counsel anyone ,as dating your client is against the rules,right? Any comments on all this? kris
Hi Joe - the post isn’t about guys like you who are *not* violent. Lots of people commented at the original post (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2006/03/04/bipolar-disorder-and-dating/) that they are happily committed to men with bipolar, and they’re not violent. The stereotype is damaging and unfair, I agree. But although the number of people who are violent during manic episodes is low it still isn’t zero, which is my point: people need treatment.
Kris - it’s considered unethical to date a client during treatment.
I have been diagnosed with Type 1 Bipolar Disorder and have researched it extensively. If your partner is violent, then he is violent. He may have a harder time controlling that side of himself because of the mood swings, but make no mistake, it’s not the illness. People who have this illness are as individual as anyone else and are no more or less violent. If they take responsibility for themselves (follow doctor’s orders, go to your appointments, and be compliant with your meds) they can lead a normal life. Part of taking responsibility is doing what I like to call self-policing In other words watch for drastic changes in your moods and be mindful if those around you see a change and get an adjustment to your meds if required. It’s a two way street as in any relationship and the first step is to be careful who you get involved with. It has nothing to do with Bipolar Disorder, it’s the man. If a man is capable of hitting you, he always will be even without having a chemical imbalance. And if he says it won’t happen again, he’s lying, wether he knows it or not. The final thing to consider is that just because someone has Bipolar Disorder, it doesn’t mean they don’t have other psych illnesses that can account for some of their behavior.
You mentioned “Lots of people commented at the original post (http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2006/03/04/bipolar-disorder-and-dating/) that they are happily committed to men with bipolar, and they’re not violent.” Why would you double post an article on the web? Google penalizes for that in PageRank. At any rate. I think this article falsely stigmatizes bipolars as abusers and I am surprised even the title got past the editor.
A. It’s not a double post, it’s a follow up of new content with a link to an old post.
B. Refusal to believe victims stigmatizes them. Why are you defending criminals?
C. I repeat: it is not bipolar alone that makes someone likely to be violent, and studies have disproven the myth. It’s the *combination* of untreated illness with substance abuse and a history of violence that increases risk.
I am bi-polar,[ultra ultra rapid cycling] I take my meds trying very hard to control this mental illness, but if I have a manic episode, my father and my brother threaten to knock my head against a wall. They have also threatened to kill me, shoot me, and there are guns in the house. These threats are serious. My brother is an alcoholic, and my father is retired, but is a retired vice cop. I spent my entire day hiding in the basement, and I took a bunch of hydrocodones to calm my manic state. Job and Family Services has cut my medicaid, and I can’t get help now. Not everybody who is bi-polar is the perpitraitor. I need help!
I guess there is nobody here, story of my life.
I am here, Mary, although I admit, I was on another link and just saw your name in passing.
So sorry your life is so terrible! I myself don’t know much about bipolar, and just wanted to let you know that I saw your comment, and took it in.
Hope someone more experienced will respond to you,
Best, Katrin
Hi Mary, as I mentioned in the post above, please visit the Hot Peach Pages (click link below). They can help you find help immediately.
my son has bi polar and it has been a nightmare. First we are poor so it’s been mental health and they only put him on depakote and he won’t take it, he has gotten violent with mainly his sister and myself, don’t call the police because they won’t take him to the hospital, they arrest him and that is a domestic violence charge, felony, his ex wife won’t let him see his daughter untill he has a job, they won’t hire because he is bi polar and he can’t last at jobs, help! Someone please let me know if you have experienced this
Mary, go to a women’s shelter or have the police take you to one. They can get you lots of help with meds, housing, counseling. etc.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Jun 2009
