Comments on: When You Disclose Too Much in Therapy

By: Katrin

Katrin — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 08:04:01 +0000

In my experience, and after having spent much time on the Internet, and in all types of different settings, I have come to realize the following:

That the most squeamish of all people in handling personal disclosure about thoughts, feelings, opinions, and states of being, are THERAPISTS. (also the most judgmental, uncomfortable, and least able and willing to relate, with the least empathy, and/or willingness to get ‘close’)

I therefore really appreciate Dr. John Grohol’s admitting to the fact that the therapeutic relationship is one that is really ‘artificial’, and unnatural, and really ‘not real’. (he does not say it in all these words, but it sure comes down to it in the end.)

Yes, a patient is at risk of disclosing too much, especially in the beginning, for his/her own good. (i.e. quite frequently a patient like that will not return for a second session.)

But also a therapist not too seldomly, that is, has problems with a patient’s disclosure in that they, the therapist, cannot handle it. (and each and everyone may have their own, and different areas that they cannot handle.)

I also have my doubts about therapists who are one person ‘in session’, and a totally different person ‘outside of session’.

Then there is a whole other and different area of concern, and which I will only briefly refer to. I fully believe that a patient should have the right to change his/her mind, and that includes taking back something they said, and that this is certainly not always a matter of denying a truth that they are not ready to deal with.
Sometimes, and usually with the silent, and/or not so silent, and/or either explicit/implicit help of the therapist, the patient who is not even overly suggestible, will say something that he/she recognizes later as not having been true, and also often accompanied by a sense of ‘horror.’

A therapist needs to understand this, and…..also check out their own motivations.

By: Suzanne

Suzanne — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 19:16:41 +0000

One therapist asked me to sign the form for her to talk to my pdoc (have bipolar 1) & I thought about it & said I wasn’t comfortable w/that. It had been after about 5 sessions. She asked me if I tell my pdoc things that I wouldn’t tell her & I said, “Yes.”

I realized I didn’t trust this therapist to understand if I spoke of suicide that it is actually so common for me to feel suicidal (at that time) that is was almost “normal.” My pdoc understands when I am having thoughts of suicide & can determine if I am going to act. In other words, she doesn’t freak out & let’s me talk about what I am thinking about honestly.

I didn’t think this therapist would be able to do that. I was afraid if I told her of my suicidal thoughts she would haul me off to the hospital or over-react. I did end the relationship w/that therapist & since have found a wonderful therapist who is the same one that leads my DBT group.

By: How Do You Find a Good Therapist? An Interview with Dr. John Grohol | World of Psychology

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 21:11:22 +0000

[...] After I read your post, “When you disclose too much in therapy,” I decided that I still needed to do a lot of boundary work because I thought you could tell your [...]

By: Jane Doe

Jane Doe — Tue, 12 May 2009 21:14:51 +0000

I am one of those that felt like I disclosed entirely too much in therapy and have not gone back. In many ways I regret this decision, but I don’t have enough trust in anyone to disclose or share the things that have happened. I was abused for many years as a child and never told anyone. Until now, 30 yrs later. This wasn’t even the reason that I went to therapy, but something that “slipped” and something that I am not willing to discuss.

My therapist was very insightful and really listened to what I said or didn’t say. The times when I just couldn’t speak, I guess she used my body language to give me feedback. She “guessed” at some things and was always spot on with this. I really liked her and felt like we clicked, but in the end, the entire process was too frightening and made me feel too vulnerable to continue. Kudos to those of you courageous enough to deal with your demons!

By: Julie

Julie — Fri, 08 May 2009 15:29:18 +0000

gawd….almost a year

By: Julie

Julie — Fri, 08 May 2009 15:28:55 +0000

Finding this post, is perfect timing for me. Have been seeing my therapist for always a year. Yesterday, I decided to disclose that the therapeutic “relationship” was important to me, that maybe he was trustworthy. By the end of the session, I couldnt get out fast enough. I feel like I never want to go back. There was no negative reaction on his part, just my own. Trying to be reasonable about it. It is interesting to watch my reaction to this whole thing.
Takes for the great post

By: kim_johnson

kim_johnson — Sun, 03 May 2009 02:13:59 +0000

Another consideration can be disclosing ‘too much too soon’ in the sense that it can be unhelpful to focus on trauma (for example) before appropriate coping strategies are in place. Or sometimes it can be unhelpful to disclose deeply intimate things that one feels very vulnerable about until the working relationship has developed to the point such that the therapist is likely to see what kind of response is needed and / or the relationship can withstand a possible breakdown.

By: Tee

Tee — Sat, 02 May 2009 22:50:30 +0000

I am one of those folks who felt like I disclosed too much with my therapist. I didn’t really feel a connection with us at first. Then I got more comfortable and started opening up with some indepth information I had never told anyone. I ended up leaving there in tears and feeling like my therapist was not sympathetic at all. How did it make me feel? Like I should not have told her so much. I went back a time or two but then didn’t go back.

I tried seeing a different therapist but she had a problem being on time for my appointments. Even the first one! She was 10-15 min late and apologized with some lame excuse of being on the phone with her friend’s hubby who was having a difficult time. I was her first appt. at 11:00 in the morning. How could she not get there on time?

She had some very lame excuses for always being late. I told her I felt if ‘I’ could be there on time, I thought she’d have the respect enough to be on time, too. She kind of got a little attitude but was glad I told her. She did nothing for me – just idle chit chat and clock watching.

I ended up quitting therapy with her and gave up on seeking another one.

By: cheryl

cheryl — Fri, 01 May 2009 22:09:54 +0000

Good post. I wish I’d had a some prep before my early experiences with therapists. Other than for the obvious professional ethics, it sometimes felt as if there were unwritten secret rules of engagement (like learning to tango)
that the patient had to learn “on the job.” So – I would like you to consider a related topic: when and how to speak up to the therapist when you are uncomfortable – rather than shutting down or leaving.

E.g. on two occasions, w/different therapists, different styles, – the therapist reacted visibly to something I said, started to say something but stopped themselves — leaving me wondering what he was thinking (“really” thinking) but back then, I didn’t have the presence of mind or assertiveness to just ask. Which meant -we were on different pages. I was hung up on why he withheld a comment(hey, I was dealing with self esteem and assertiveness issues!)and he had moved to another topic, oblivious to my reaction to his response. ( Can no longer remember the issues at hand, just the discomfort)

By: Neal Cohen

Neal Cohen — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 16:18:19 +0000

@ Debbie
Great question for your therapist. Perhaps she can help you distinguish what is most appropriate for the task of providing a bio-psycho-social history (a common task for the initial session(s).

By: unipsyche

unipsyche — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 19:07:52 +0000

My therapist knows more about me than anyone else on the planet, and I’ve only been seeing him since February. That includes things like drug use, stealing stuff as a kid and deep sexual issues.

My husband is next in line for my total disclosure, but I have always been a very open person, sometimes that is an issue as I expect people to be the same way with me, but when they withhold or are deceitful, I get hurt.

I am lucky that my therapist is actually world-renowned and can handle anything and everything I throw at him, with 35 years experience in many different fields of psychology. I trust him implicitly and he is ethically bound to keep my ‘stuff’ to himself.

I don’t believe there is such a thing as too much disclosure. Why be embarrassed? Your therapist is there to help you, and if you don’t disclose pertinent aspects of your issues, you are sabotaging your therapy.

If they can’t handle it, find another. Quickly.

By: Linda

Linda — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:11:06 +0000

I totally agree with Therapy First’s post. Very well written.
I’ve seen therapists (for 3 years) for anxiety disorder, depression and chronic pain (from RSD). It was helpful to get new tools to combat my anxiety, and to learn my depression from my 5+ yrs of chronic pain was expected. What’s the most frustrating for me is when you’re loved ones say “it’s not that bad….you don’t look that bad…. etc” If you had seering, burning, disabling pain 24/7 for years, wouldn’t you be depressed??? Just my 2 cents.

By: Beth

Beth — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 15:39:49 +0000

Opening up and exposing yourself to possible embarrassment and shame has a lot to do with trust, I would think. You’re taking a leap…believing and trusting in yourself as a human being and at the same time discovering a willingness to share your inner pain and struggles with another. It’s being vulnerable and being vulnerable is a letting down of your walls. It’s scary, but it can be very rewarding as well. It opens the door to experiencing more intimacy with another person. My therapy was an ideal and safe place to practice relating with another in this way. But if a client disclosed too much too early before feeling safe then I can imagine how it all could come crashing down on the client. Trust takes time and patience to build. It definitely is a complex dance as someone mentioned earlier. Fascinating in its own way, though.

By: Sara

Sara — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 14:52:32 +0000

I can relate to being anxious in disclosing to my therapist about topics I thought were relevent to my situaion.

He chalked it up to one more solution from my upbringing.

I thought as Beth did in her post of yesterday.

My therapist said it’s okay to be in some denial; that you don’t want to open yourself up totally; otherwise, you’re subject to ridicule, embarrassment, or shame.

Thank you for the topic.

Learning more as I live,

Sara

By: talesofacrazypsychmajor

talesofacrazypsychmajor — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 12:17:40 +0000

You act as if there is no such thing as disclosing too much in therapy. Maybe that’s the case, but I d believe there is a such thing as disclosing too fast. Maybe theoretically this shouldn’t be the case. But in reality it is what happens. I’ve had multiple therapists decide they couldn’t work with me after I disclosed too quickly, scaring them. I believe if I’d said things more slowly it wouldn’t have happened.