Getting married is a pivotal moment of life, like the first time you had sex or assumed a mortgage. So-called ‘reality’ TV shows would have us believe it’s all about throwing a really fabulous party and wearing a really fabulous dress. Back on Planet Earth we know getting married means stepping into a profound adventure, part joyful, part terrifying, all hopeful. Add to that voluntarily taking on a new identity; spouse, partner, wife, husband – how we describe ourselves to the world and to ourselves changes.
How easily we grow into our new role can be helped along or hindered by our in-laws.
When you get married, like it or not, you marry into each others’ families. Most of us have no idea what that means until we’ve been married a while. We assume that because our intended is the epitome of wonderfulness, their parents are great as well.
If you are lucky, and I hope you are, your new or future in-laws already know that Good In-Laws….
- Maintain respectful boundaries. They treat their new son/daughter-in-law as the full-fledged grown up they are; as they treat their own adult child.
- Do not assume instant love. Good in-laws know relationships need time and nurturing to grow.
- Never give unsolicited advice. Never. They wait to be asked and even then answer only the question posed and wait for the next question.
- Visit only when invited and limit calls to a reasonable once in a while. If the newlyweds are living with them, good in-laws are respectful of the young couple’s privacy.
- Never complain about the non-blood family member to their adult child. If they have a problem with their child-in-law they think long and hard before deciding it is necessary to tell that person directly. Most good in-laws just hold their tongue.
- When good in-laws visit they resist the urge to point out and fix whatever is broken. No matter how handy they are, a good in-law waits to be asked and then helps (if they want to) without conditions.
- Understand that the adult child’s primary allegiance must be with their spouse. Good in-laws defer to the newlyweds as a couple and make it clear that they are there for both of them. They never assume they can come between them by working one against the other. Or by saying something absurd like, “But I’m your mother, so of course you want to please me first.”
- Good in-laws understand the new couple needs to blend the traditions of two families and honor their need to find their own way of doing things. Good in-laws do not presume that “Our way is the right way.”
- Don’t insist the new relative call them ‘Mom’ or ‘Dad’ or ‘Mother Brown’ or ‘Miss Sally’. The good in-law is flexible and sensitive to what their new child-in-law is comfortable with and will figure it out together using a good dose of humor.
- Resist the urge to enable troubles the new couple may have. They don’t “rescue” them by throwing money at the problem or in any way encouraging dependence rather than independence.
- Are not competitive with the new couple or with the other set of parents.
- Good in-laws have satisfying lives of their own and mind their own business.
And to complete a baker’s dozen…
Good in-laws understand that becoming a grandma or grandpa is not license to ignore 1-12.
This post originally appeared on the Explore What’s Next Blog.
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From Psych Central's website:
Outlawed by Your In-laws | Psych Central (8/24/2009)
6 Comments to
“12 Things You Want Your In-Laws To Know”
Awesome! Something that every family should read when there is a wedding planned!
This is interesting!
I have a sibling whose wife, fiancee at the time, had a very hard time integrating with the family. Some people (i.e. in-laws) are just so very different from the family that it is almost impossible to become an integrated family. Other times it’s just a matter of becoming lenient and open-hearted/minded.
These are great tips; but I’m not quite sure these rules are as easily followed as they are said. Of course we can do some of these things…but there are just those really tedious in-law relationships where nothing seems to work, even when you are flexible. Although I am not married yet, I really am afraid to become an in-law, especially a daughter-in-law.
I hope and also pray that I get a very sweet mother-in-law. Watching my sibling try to make our mother like his wife, is like pulling wisdom teeth!!
It’s too bad I can’t send this to my best friend’s future in laws–she’s getting married next month!
Send it to your friend. Maybe she can find a way to sneak it to them.
I definitely have to figure out a way to get this into the hands of my parents and my future in-laws. They are BOTH guilty of multiple things on this list. I actually dealt with the “But I’m your mother why wouldn’t you want to please me” issue tonight. My wedding is planned for February 2010, please pray!
J. Nelson,
You may already be doing this, if so forgive me, I’m a born meddler.
If I may suggest: First be on the same page with your fiance. The most important thing is for the two of you to form an alliance, a bond that is consistent. Once you are in agreement that it is your relationship that takes precedence over all others, be patient but firm (and consistent) with both sets of parents. They are going through a transition too and may need time to accept their new role.
Good luck. You are in my prayers! Plus, you can always give me a call if you need some backup.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 14 Apr 2009
