Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. They exist between two emotional human beings who bring their own past experiences, history, and expectations into it. Two different people also have different levels of skill when it comes to communication. But better communication, because it is a skill, can also be learned.
The most popular myth about communication in relationships is that since you talk to your partner, you’re automatically communicating. While talking to your partner is indeed a form of communication, if it’s primarily about everyday, “surfacey” topics (“How were the kids?” “How was work?” “How’s your mother?”), you’re not really communicating about the important stuff. This article is primarily about how to talk in a more open and rewarding manner with your significant other.
Communication either makes or breaks most relationships. You can improve your relationship today, right now, by putting into practice some of these tips for improving the communication in your relationship.
1. Stop and listen.
How many times have you heard someone say this or read this in an article about communication skills? How hard is it to actually do when you’re “in the moment?” Harder than it sounds. When we’re knee deep within a serious discussion or argument with our significant other, it’s hard to put aside our point for the moment and just listen. We’re often so afraid of not being heard, we rush to keep talking. Ironically, such behavior makes it all the more likely we won’t be heard.
2. Force yourself to hear.
You’ve stopped talking for the moment, but your head is still swirling with all of the things you want to say, so you’re still not really hearing what is being said. Laugh all you want, but therapists have a technique that works very well that “forces” them to really hear what a client tells them — rephrasing what a person has just said to them (called “reflection”).
This may upset a partner if you do it too much, or do it in a tone that suggests you’re mocking rather than trying to seriously listen. So use the technique sparingly, and let your partner know why you’re doing it if they ask — “Sometimes I don’t think I’m getting what you’re telling me, and doing this lets me slow my mind down a bit and really try and hear what you’re saying.”
3. Be open and honest with your partner.
Some people have never been very open to others in their life. Heck, some people might not even know themselves, or know much about their own real needs and desires. But to be in a relationship is to take a step toward opening up your life and opening up yourself.
Little lies turn into big lies. Hiding your emotions behind a cloak of invincibility might work for you, but won’t work for most others. Pretending everything is alright isn’t alright. And giving your partner the silent treatment is about as useful as a fish with a bicycle. In the desert. At night. These things may have “worked” for you in the past, but they are all barriers to good communication.
Being open means talking about things you may have never talked about with another human being before in your life. It means being vulnerable and honest with your partner, completely and unabashedly. It means opening yourself up to possible hurt and disappointment. But it also means opening yourself up to the full potential of all a relationship can be.
4. Pay attention to nonverbal signals.
Most of our communication with one another in any friendship or relationship isn’t what we say, but how we say it. Nonverbal communication is your body language, the tone of your voice, its inflection, eye contact, and how far away you are when you talk to someone else. Learning to communicate better means that you need to learn how to read these signals as well as hear what the other person is saying. Reading your partner’s nonverbal signals takes time and patience, but the more you do it, the more attuned you will be to what they’re really saying, such as:
- Folded arms in front of a person may mean they’re feeling defensive or closed off.
- Lack of eye contact may mean they’re not really interested in what you’re saying, are ashamed of something, or find it difficult to talk about something.
- Louder, more aggressive tone may mean the person is escalating the discussion and is becoming very emotionally involved. It might also suggest they feel like they’re not being heard or understood.
- Someone who’s turned away from you when talking to you may mean disinterest or being closed off.
All the while you’re reading your partner’s nonverbal signals, be aware of your own. Make and maintain eye contact, keep a neutral body stance and tone to your voice, and sit next to the person when you’re talking to them.
5. Stay focused in the here and now.
Sometimes discussions turn into arguments, that can then morph into a discussion about everything and the kitchen sink. To be respectful of one another and the relationship, you should try and keep the discussion (or argument) focused to the topic at hand. While it’s easy to get in the cheap shots or bring up everything that an argument seems to call for, just don’t. If the argument is ostensibly about who’s making dinner tonight, keep it that topic. Don’t veer off down the country road of who does what in the house, who’s responsible for child rearing, and by the way, who cleans the kitchen sink.
Arguments that do veer off tend to escalate and grow larger and larger. One party needs to make an effort at that point to try and de-escalate the argument, even if it means walking away from it, literally. But do so as respectfully as possible, saying something like, “Look, I can see this isn’t going to get any better by discussing it tonight. Let’s sleep on it and try talking about it with fresh eyes in the morning, okay?”
6. Try to minimize emotion when talking about important, big decisions.
Nobody can talk about important, big matters if they feel emotionally vulnerable or charged-up and angry. Those are not the times to talk about the serious issues (like money, getting married, the kids, or retirement). You might think it impossible, nonsensical or even contradictory to talk about an emotional topic like getting married or having children without emotion. And yet, these discussions need to keep a foothold of rationality to them in order to not gloss over the realities that they bring. Marriage, for instance, brings the combining of households and living with another person day-to-day. Having kids isn’t just about cute toddler clothes and painting the nursery, but talking about who’s going to change diapers, feed the newborn, and be available at all hours of the day and night for months on end.
7. Be ready to cede an argument.
How many times do we continue to argue or have a heated discussion because we simply want to be “right.” I’ve talked about this sense of needing to “win” arguments more than once. Why? Because so many of couples’ arguments revolve around one party thinking they’re “right” and the other party not willing to cede the point or back off. In fact, though, both parties need to back off.
By doing this, are you giving up a piece of yourself by compromising and not insisting on how right you are? Well, that’s something only you can decide. Would you rather be in a happy relationship where you respect the other person, even if you may occasionally disagree with them? Or would you rather be in an unhappy relationship where you know you’re always right, no matter what? It just comes down to your priorities — if being “right” is more important to you than your partner’s happiness, then perhaps you have not found the right partner.
8. Humor and playfulness usually help.
You don’t have to be funny in order to use humor and playfulness in everyday conversations. You just need to use the sense of humor you do have and try and inject it into more of your communications with your partner. Humor helps lighten everyday frustrations and helps puts things into perspective more gently than other methods. Playfulness reminds us that even as adults, we all have a side to us that enjoys fun and taking a break from the seriousness of work and other demands made on us.
9. Communicating is more than just talking.
To communicate better and more effectively in your relationship, you don’t only have to talk. You can communicate in other ways — through your actions, and nowadays, electronically too (through email, Facebook, blogs, texting or Twitter). All too often, couples focus only on the talking aspect of their relationship, but your actions also speak loudly. Keeping in touch throughout the day or week through email or other electronic means also reminds the person you’re thinking about them and how important they are in your life. Even if such communications are mainly playful or inconsequential, they can help lighten your partner’s day and improve their mood.
Some couples also find that using email or another method is easier to discuss emotional issues rather than trying to do so face-to-face. It’s something to consider if every time you try and bring up a particular topic with your significant other, it turns into an argument or they shy away from it. Email or texting may be a way of communicating about such matters more openly and directly.
Nobody is a perfect communicator all the time. But you can work to become a better communicator by trying a few of these tips. They won’t all work, nor will they work all the time. Better communication, however, starts with one person making the effort to improve, which often encourages the other to come along for the ride.
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Links to This Article
Tip for relationships at X-Info Center (4/15/2009)
From Psych Central's World of Psychology:
Guidelines for Good Listening | World of Psychology (4/19/2009)
One Great Body Language Secret that Builds Rapport (6/4/2009)
From Psych Central's World of Psychology:
You Wear the Suit: 8 Tips on Trading Places with Your Spouse | World of Psychology (6/25/2009)
From Psych Central's website:
10 Reasons You Don’t Listen | Psych Central (8/21/2009)
Dr. John Grohol: 4 Steps To Better Communication | My Pure Diet. Health News & Supplements. (10/6/2009)
15 Comments to
“9 Steps to Better Communication Today”
Wonderful article, John, especially appreciated point 4 re voice escalating when one doesn’t feel heard.
I notice my voice doesn’t rise unless I’m explaining myself for the 3 or 4th time!
Thanks for the validation and good information.
I have to be careful that I don’t use email and messaging as an easy way to say something. I feel like I should be brave and say it straight to a persons face. People say things via text and email that they would never otherwise say. It can be dangerous and confusing because you can’t see any body language or hear the tone of the persons voice. But sometimes I love using these other methods because they save time and I can plan what I am going to say, so that I don’t freeze in the moment or forget what I wanted to say or ask.
Just listening sometimes for me helps. Letting the other person have there say seems to set the tone of how the discussion goes.It also lets me hear them, I do try the paraphrase method, But I do tell them why I do is because I’m trying to have a clear understanding of there wants, needs, and expectations. It helps to maintain a calm voice when at all possible.
I liked it better when it was just *your* blog, so it would be great if you had an individual RSS feed so I wouldn’t have to wade through some of the other bloggers on this main feed. I have nothing to add about communication.
Regardless of whether a blog is needed, (see Jude) this article has great advice. Having once worded in an acute psychiatric hospital setting, I learned many listening and interviewing techniques. Listening carefully, with full eye contact is extremely important. Staying with a person, hearing every word, clarifying anything that needs more details are all necessary to build a good raport or relationship. The hard part is to keep that attitude going once you get home and start talking with your spouse or partner.
Sounds good unless you have PDD.
I don’t know in which ways the article would differ, but, I would like to read an article on the same topic that is not specific to communicating with your spouse/partner. I am interested in ways to improve the way I communicate in other types of intimate relationships like friends and family.
I strongly disagree with using email or other online and electronic means to communicate with a significant other. Sure it works fine for quick things but not anything large and important.
Great article!
My boss wants to reduce on the costs of labour and I seem to be one of the victims accused of “bad communication” while several tests proved the contrary, my language skills are excellent together with an extreme vision to the future.
Isn’t it strange that two people can have such a different view on what communication is all about and what “good” and “bad” communication is?
While I may or may not disagree there is one point that I feel should be clarified. When someone is speaking to me, I sometimes prefer no direct eye contact. For many this can be a form of perceived agression in a conversation.
Just my thoughts.
for all you couples reading this, this is really good advice! im only a teenager but i’ve also been kind of the mediator between my parents after their separation(we don’t believe in divorce so we’re all trying to sort stuff out).
most of their problems, im not exaggerating, literally MOST of their problems would have vanished if they’d applied these principles:
- neither of them if they’re arguing will listen to eachother(and not just to eachother, but with my siblings and I as well) they’ll just argue their point over and over and not consider what the other is saying!
- if they’re arguing both of them will always forget about the whole reason that they’re arguing and focus on proving themselves right at all costs. they’re also really bad at accepting critcism
- also, both of them do exactly what Grohol talked about in the article, they bring up issues that have absolutely nothing to do with the topic being argued. My mom might say something like “I do all the work around the house and you never appreciate it” and my dad might say something like “you don’t know anything, you’re stupid, you weren’t raised properly”, and etc.
basically what i want to say is, LISTEN TO HIS ADVICE!!!
i just posted and i realized that i sound very mean to my parents. i mean their very good parents and everything and i love them, this is just stuff i’ve observed when trying to figure out why they don’t get along very well. i should also mention i do all of the things my parents do to but i think im a bit more self-aware than they are and hopefully i can stop the bad communication habits =)
All nine tips are good for foundations to improve one’s communication skills. It’s not too often you hear advice like “be playful and humorous” with communication, but it can cut through the tension quickly!
Great tips here! My husband & I will celebrate 40 years in the fall. Our firstborn attended my high school graduation. We’ve been up to the mountaintops and down in the deepest of valleys. As a result, we have made many of these mistakes!
Along the way - we learned these tips through ’study’, ‘trial & error’ & what I call ‘mean fighting’. Trust me - you will find your way best with much less damage if you choose the study path.
All of the ‘I’m sorrys’ in the world won’t erase the damage done by hurtful words & actions.
Great article–just make sure when you’re reading someone else’s body language you don’t read too much into it. I often fold my arms without thinking about it–not because I feel defensive but because I’m one of those people who is always cold, even with a sweater on in the summer! I also fold my arms when I’m alone, for the same reason.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 6 Oct 2009
