Wonderful article, John, especially appreciated point 4 re voice escalating when one doesn’t feel heard.

I notice my voice doesn’t rise unless I’m explaining myself for the 3 or 4th time!

Thanks for the validation and good information.

I have to be careful that I don’t use email and messaging as an easy way to say something. I feel like I should be brave and say it straight to a persons face. People say things via text and email that they would never otherwise say. It can be dangerous and confusing because you can’t see any body language or hear the tone of the persons voice. But sometimes I love using these other methods because they save time and I can plan what I am going to say, so that I don’t freeze in the moment or forget what I wanted to say or ask.

Just listening sometimes for me helps. Letting the other person have there say seems to set the tone of how the discussion goes.It also lets me hear them, I do try the paraphrase method, But I do tell them why I do is because I’m trying to have a clear understanding of there wants, needs, and expectations. It helps to maintain a calm voice when at all possible.

I liked it better when it was just *your* blog, so it would be great if you had an individual RSS feed so I wouldn’t have to wade through some of the other bloggers on this main feed. I have nothing to add about communication.

Regardless of whether a blog is needed, (see Jude) this article has great advice. Having once worded in an acute psychiatric hospital setting, I learned many listening and interviewing techniques. Listening carefully, with full eye contact is extremely important. Staying with a person, hearing every word, clarifying anything that needs more details are all necessary to build a good raport or relationship. The hard part is to keep that attitude going once you get home and start talking with your spouse or partner.

Sounds good unless you have PDD.

I don’t know in which ways the article would differ, but, I would like to read an article on the same topic that is not specific to communicating with your spouse/partner. I am interested in ways to improve the way I communicate in other types of intimate relationships like friends and family.

I strongly disagree with using email or other online and electronic means to communicate with a significant other. Sure it works fine for quick things but not anything large and important.

Great article!

My boss wants to reduce on the costs of labour and I seem to be one of the victims accused of “bad communication” while several tests proved the contrary, my language skills are excellent together with an extreme vision to the future.

Isn’t it strange that two people can have such a different view on what communication is all about and what “good” and “bad” communication is?

While I may or may not disagree there is one point that I feel should be clarified. When someone is speaking to me, I sometimes prefer no direct eye contact. For many this can be a form of perceived agression in a conversation.

Just my thoughts.

for all you couples reading this, this is really good advice! im only a teenager but i’ve also been kind of the mediator between my parents after their separation(we don’t believe in divorce so we’re all trying to sort stuff out).
most of their problems, im not exaggerating, literally MOST of their problems would have vanished if they’d applied these principles:
- neither of them if they’re arguing will listen to eachother(and not just to eachother, but with my siblings and I as well) they’ll just argue their point over and over and not consider what the other is saying!
- if they’re arguing both of them will always forget about the whole reason that they’re arguing and focus on proving themselves right at all costs. they’re also really bad at accepting critcism
- also, both of them do exactly what Grohol talked about in the article, they bring up issues that have absolutely nothing to do with the topic being argued. My mom might say something like “I do all the work around the house and you never appreciate it” and my dad might say something like “you don’t know anything, you’re stupid, you weren’t raised properly”, and etc.
basically what i want to say is, LISTEN TO HIS ADVICE!!!

i just posted and i realized that i sound very mean to my parents. i mean their very good parents and everything and i love them, this is just stuff i’ve observed when trying to figure out why they don’t get along very well. i should also mention i do all of the things my parents do to but i think im a bit more self-aware than they are and hopefully i can stop the bad communication habits =)

All nine tips are good for foundations to improve one’s communication skills. It’s not too often you hear advice like “be playful and humorous” with communication, but it can cut through the tension quickly!

Great tips here! My husband & I will celebrate 40 years in the fall. Our firstborn attended my high school graduation. We’ve been up to the mountaintops and down in the deepest of valleys. As a result, we have made many of these mistakes!

Along the way - we learned these tips through ’study’, ‘trial & error’ & what I call ‘mean fighting’. Trust me - you will find your way best with much less damage if you choose the study path.

All of the ‘I’m sorrys’ in the world won’t erase the damage done by hurtful words & actions.

Great article–just make sure when you’re reading someone else’s body language you don’t read too much into it. I often fold my arms without thinking about it–not because I feel defensive but because I’m one of those people who is always cold, even with a sweater on in the summer! I also fold my arms when I’m alone, for the same reason.