Comments on: 12 Ways To Recover from an Emotional Affair http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/ Dr. John Grohol's daily update on all things in psychology and mental health. Since 1999. Tue, 14 Feb 2012 17:30:17 +0000 hourly 1 By: John http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-6/#comment-726603 John Tue, 24 Jan 2012 20:11:00 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-726603 Epic words of wisdom. I wish I read this blog years ago.But, then again years ago I did not have this problem. I thank God, that what I did, did not develop into anything, and that I was able to walk away with soome dignity. However, the guilt is still there. If it was not for my wife and confiding these mistakes with her, I don't think I could have lived with myself..... Epic words of wisdom. I wish I read this blog years ago.But, then again years ago I did not have this problem. I thank God, that what I did, did not develop into anything, and that I was able to walk away with soome dignity. However, the guilt is still there. If it was not for my wife and confiding these mistakes with her, I don’t think I could have lived with myself…..

]]> By: Don http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-6/#comment-726198 Don Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:27:39 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-726198 I've been embroiled in an emotional affair with a woman who was "alone" when she started communicating online with me 2 years ago, but then when her mother died, she turned to a boy who had been pursuing her for awhile but she kept turning down. So we stopped our emailing and then I broke up with my fiancee, who I'd been living with for 10 years, and moved out. Months later, this past Sept., I heard again from this girl, as the boy had gone back across the country to await some operation. Almost immediately we moved the conversaton from IM and email to the phone, and she would keep me on the line for 8, 10, even 12 hours a night....with her carrying about 95% of the conversation. I responded very physically, though she mostly talked math, and also emotionally; I was often in tears on my end as she talked. Then the boy came back for the holidays, forcing us to stop using the phone, and resort to secretive emails which often number in the dozens on any particular day. I've tried to extricate myself, swear off this thing, because it doesn't look like she wants to end the primary/physical relationship though he doesn't give her what apparently I do. But because I became so close to her, and emotionally attuned to her, every time she's "with" him, I feel it and can barely move that day. I'm extremely miserable and though I was led to believe the "other fellow" would be going back across country alone, the truth seems to be this girl wants her cake and to eat it too. If anyone has any suggestions on how to effectively walk away from all contact, I'd love to hear it, because I've tried several times but this is harder than virtually every physical relationship I've been in. I haven't been so "addicted" to a woman since the mid-80s, and I haven't even physically met her! It boggles my own mind sometimes, to think of how hopelessly addicted to her I've become, yet never having felt her touch. I’ve been embroiled in an emotional affair with a woman who was “alone” when she started communicating online with me 2 years ago, but then when her mother died, she turned to a boy who had been pursuing her for awhile but she kept turning down. So we stopped our emailing and then I broke up with my fiancee, who I’d been living with for 10 years, and moved out. Months later, this past Sept., I heard again from this girl, as the boy had gone back across the country to await some operation. Almost immediately we moved the conversaton from IM and email to the phone, and she would keep me on the line for 8, 10, even 12 hours a night….with her carrying about 95% of the conversation. I responded very physically, though she mostly talked math, and also emotionally; I was often in tears on my end as she talked. Then the boy came back for the holidays, forcing us to stop using the phone, and resort to secretive emails which often number in the dozens on any particular day. I’ve tried to extricate myself, swear off this thing, because it doesn’t look like she wants to end the primary/physical relationship though he doesn’t give her what apparently I do. But because I became so close to her, and emotionally attuned to her, every time she’s “with” him, I feel it and can barely move that day. I’m extremely miserable and though I was led to believe the “other fellow” would be going back across country alone, the truth seems to be this girl wants her cake and to eat it too. If anyone has any suggestions on how to effectively walk away from all contact, I’d love to hear it, because I’ve tried several times but this is harder than virtually every physical relationship I’ve been in. I haven’t been so “addicted” to a woman since the mid-80s, and I haven’t even physically met her! It boggles my own mind sometimes, to think of how hopelessly addicted to her I’ve become, yet never having felt her touch.

]]> By: Frank http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-6/#comment-725765 Frank Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:53:11 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-725765 I had an affair. I got caught, we are trying to make things work. kind of. prior to the affair I was done being married. the arguements, the I am always wrong and dont know what I am talking about, jelousy to where I am not allowed to have friends. Marriage sucked. i was sleeping in the basement in a bed in a closet for thirteen years. alone everynight and did not feel married at all but more like an endentured servant, with no return to myself. I kept saying over and over again you are driving me away and I am going to find someone, and one day it happen. I kind of wanted to get caught. so I could say I told you so, although it was a sad excuse.. I did not break communication with the person though. the advances kept coming but I was strong enough to say, sorry not an option, however this inspiration came from a friend that I had told, who told me that I was not the kind of person I was, and that I should not be talking to her at all. She said I should be faithful.. and that she detested men who cheat. What she said really hit home, so I have been good with no real issues. Yet everyday I hear about it from my wife, everyday there is an arguement, and I keep saying please stop because it makes me feel no regret and the attitude is just driving me away again. Since the affair I have tried to leave several times, with no avail. I leave she cries the kids cry everyone cries. and I cant bring myself to leave my kids, who I am very close to. As bad as I can not stand being there, I cant stand to be away. meanwhile my friend and I have been becoming closer. non sexually. and have been trying to keep it that way. I find myself miserable. I really have no idea what to do, I want to leave but cant. I want to persue this other person but cant. I do not blame the affiar for ruining my marriage it was crappy long before that, and I have since been sleeping up in the bed again, however I still get kicked out for this or that when she says my breathing is keeping her awake. I feel used. she says she loves me, but I dont feel it in the actions. and never have. Now I truely gaining feelings for someone else. And they do to and hate the fact that the emotions are becoming stronger we both want to and talk about walking away from our friendship, and have, we stop talking for days. but then say hi and the cycle repeats.. I am miserable living with my wife who smothers me to the point I feel like I cant breath. I come into work early and I get questioned why I go into work so early, when I come in just to be alone, because hardly anyone is here yet. This post really helps me keep my head for being faithful. But does not change the feeling of being completely stuck. I think I need a counselor.... lol I had an affair. I got caught, we are trying to make things work. kind of. prior to the affair I was done being married. the arguements, the I am always wrong and dont know what I am talking about, jelousy to where I am not allowed to have friends. Marriage sucked. i was sleeping in the basement in a bed in a closet for thirteen years. alone everynight and did not feel married at all but more like an endentured servant, with no return to myself. I kept saying over and over again you are driving me away and I am going to find someone, and one day it happen. I kind of wanted to get caught. so I could say I told you so, although it was a sad excuse.. I did not break communication with the person though. the advances kept coming but I was strong enough to say, sorry not an option, however this inspiration came from a friend that I had told, who told me that I was not the kind of person I was, and that I should not be talking to her at all. She said I should be faithful.. and that she detested men who cheat. What she said really hit home, so I have been good with no real issues. Yet everyday I hear about it from my wife, everyday there is an arguement, and I keep saying please stop because it makes me feel no regret and the attitude is just driving me away again. Since the affair I have tried to leave several times, with no avail. I leave she cries the kids cry everyone cries. and I cant bring myself to leave my kids, who I am very close to. As bad as I can not stand being there, I cant stand to be away. meanwhile my friend and I have been becoming closer. non sexually. and have been trying to keep it that way. I find myself miserable. I really have no idea what to do, I want to leave but cant. I want to persue this other person but cant. I do not blame the affiar for ruining my marriage it was crappy long before that, and I have since been sleeping up in the bed again, however I still get kicked out for this or that when she says my breathing is keeping her awake. I feel used. she says she loves me, but I dont feel it in the actions. and never have. Now I truely gaining feelings for someone else. And they do to and hate the fact that the emotions are becoming stronger we both want to and talk about walking away from our friendship, and have, we stop talking for days. but then say hi and the cycle repeats.. I am miserable living with my wife who smothers me to the point I feel like I cant breath. I come into work early and I get questioned why I go into work so early, when I come in just to be alone, because hardly anyone is here yet. This post really helps me keep my head for being faithful. But does not change the feeling of being completely stuck.

I think I need a counselor…. lol

]]> By: PlaInJaine http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-5/#comment-724793 PlaInJaine Sun, 01 Jan 2012 09:36:38 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-724793 I certainly think my husband has a lot of *personal responsibility* for the affair and hence deserves a lot of the blame. However he couldn't do it on his own and in our case she really went affter him for a year despite knowing I was pregnant and then home with a newborn. In fact she played on it and reminisced about early motherhood!! Also where my husband is remorseful and doing everything to try to heal us she won't give up and doesn't believe him dumping her, still emails him with the tone of being his wife! His transgression may be greater in terms of breaking vows to me but I find it especially heinous for a woman to do this to another woman and a mother to another mother *and gloat about it!* I can see his actions as a mistake he's trying to fix and I can see his shame and remorse. She has no shame and sees herself as the wronged party! She thinks he owes her a break up debrief! She thinks she's the doe-eyed lover not the middle aged married mistress. He disappoints me. She disgusts me. I certainly think my husband has a lot of *personal responsibility* for the affair and hence deserves a lot of the blame. However he couldn’t do it on his own and in our case she really went affter him for a year despite knowing I was pregnant and then home with a newborn. In fact she played on it and reminisced about early motherhood!! Also where my husband is remorseful and doing everything to try to heal us she won’t give up and doesn’t believe him dumping her, still emails him with the tone of being his wife! His transgression may be greater in terms of breaking vows to me but I find it especially heinous for a woman to do this to another woman and a mother to another mother *and gloat about it!*

I can see his actions as a mistake he’s trying to fix and I can see his shame and remorse. She has no shame and sees herself as the wronged party! She thinks he owes her a break up debrief! She thinks she’s the doe-eyed lover not the middle aged married mistress.

He disappoints me. She disgusts me.

]]> By: Joy http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-6/#comment-724115 Joy Wed, 21 Dec 2011 12:03:54 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-724115 This post is a lifesaver. I just broke off an emotional affair and indeed it was a special connection between two kindred souls. It's comforting to know there's someone out there who not only understands the issues, but offers sound, practical advice. I must tweet about this! This post is a lifesaver. I just broke off an emotional affair and indeed it was a special connection between two kindred souls. It’s comforting to know there’s someone out there who not only understands the issues, but offers sound, practical advice. I must tweet about this!

]]> By: TC http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-5/#comment-723080 TC Mon, 05 Dec 2011 01:53:04 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-723080 I was in the same situation and this guy made me feel so good inside unlike my husband was making me feel, but as time passed I realized that it was not worth it and that I would probably get pay back for my feelings and actions. Don't be selfish in this situation. Let him go because if you hold on to it you are destroying him and his family; it's not all about YOU. Find spiritual healing and move on. Find confidence in God or even a close female friend or family member. I am still getting over my emotional affair and doing it by the help of God and staying surrounded by family. It's hard especially when he's still texting and I have to let go and not text back. Best of Luck My prayers are with you! I was in the same situation and this guy made me feel so good inside unlike my husband was making me feel, but as time passed I realized that it was not worth it and that I would probably get pay back for my feelings and actions. Don’t be selfish in this situation. Let him go because if you hold on to it you are destroying him and his family; it’s not all about YOU. Find spiritual healing and move on. Find confidence in God or even a close female friend or family member. I am still getting over my emotional affair and doing it by the help of God and staying surrounded by family. It’s hard especially when he’s still texting and I have to let go and not text back.
Best of Luck
My prayers are with you!

]]> By: T http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-6/#comment-722821 T Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:45:06 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-722821 I need help. My friend of ten years... He knew I was bisexual when I met him. He dated my friend from HS. We were good friends... When they broke up, he became a better friend, and my HS friend disappeared... things were good... He got married, had a kid, and now is having another one. In the past year, I have been getting lil things that he is emotionally attached to me... but I am in denial. I ask him about it, but I dont get a straight answer. It started last year when I went to his house once to watch tv and have dinner while she was working. I leave, he sends a text, "you still outside... come back inside... let your car warm up so we can hang out longer" ... Then I get a Merry Christmas cant wait to see you again... Then a Happy New Year, we're going to have a great year. When I hang out with him, hes fine, but the three times, this past year, we hung out the three of us, he got very uncomfortable and nervous, and one time threw up. We got drunk at a leukemia benefit the three of us went to... and he told me how she constantly is yelling at him and unhappy. Plays me a song on his i phone, which is a love song and tells me that's my song... He told me he wants to go to a gay resort with me... he's been always curious to go... He gets upset if I decline offers to hang out with him and his buddies to watch football at the bar. I try to confront him, he claims hes more charismatic when hes in a good mood. I have distanced myself from him, and when im not around him, I am happy... but when we hang out, he seems so happy to be around me. I wish I knew his intentions. I need help. My friend of ten years… He knew I was bisexual when I met him. He dated my friend from HS. We were good friends… When they broke up, he became a better friend, and my HS friend disappeared… things were good… He got married, had a kid, and now is having another one. In the past year, I have been getting lil things that he is emotionally attached to me… but I am in denial. I ask him about it, but I dont get a straight answer. It started last year when I went to his house once to watch tv and have dinner while she was working. I leave, he sends a text, “you still outside… come back inside… let your car warm up so we can hang out longer” … Then I get a Merry Christmas cant wait to see you again… Then a Happy New Year, we’re going to have a great year. When I hang out with him, hes fine, but the three times, this past year, we hung out the three of us, he got very uncomfortable and nervous, and one time threw up. We got drunk at a leukemia benefit the three of us went to… and he told me how she constantly is yelling at him and unhappy. Plays me a song on his i phone, which is a love song and tells me that’s my song… He told me he wants to go to a gay resort with me… he’s been always curious to go… He gets upset if I decline offers to hang out with him and his buddies to watch football at the bar. I try to confront him, he claims hes more charismatic when hes in a good mood. I have distanced myself from him, and when im not around him, I am happy… but when we hang out, he seems so happy to be around me. I wish I knew his intentions.

]]> By: tr http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-5/#comment-722642 tr Sat, 26 Nov 2011 22:20:00 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-722642 This is to islandchika5: Your story was identical to mine. Please visit this site: http://www.2knowmyself.com it helped me and I know it will help you. Please go there now. I am not a paid affiliate in the slightest; just passing along good information to those people who might be unaware that there is help out here on the Internet. Good luck to you islandchika5. This is to islandchika5: Your story was identical to mine. Please visit this site: http://www.2knowmyself.com it helped me and I know it will help you. Please go there now. I am not a paid affiliate in the slightest; just passing along good information to those people who might be unaware that there is help out here on the Internet. Good luck to you islandchika5.

]]> By: T http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-5/#comment-722394 T Tue, 22 Nov 2011 06:01:52 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-722394 K - Wow your comments really resonated with me. Like how can a person - you - throw away all those years and just start over? - but then you feel like a complete idiot for not doing just that! My husband of 19 years has been having an emotional affair with a woman from his work for around 3 years...it's hard to say when they crossed the line - she and her husband are really good friends of ours and we have spent tons of time with them going out and having them over, etc. I started noticing about a year ago that he was getting way too many texts from her (she and I really never clicked - I liked her husband's personality better, but she was fun enough to go out with) anyway, I talked to him about it - ofcourse it's my fault - he just has fun with her, I 'never want to go out' (no not with her because I sensed it and they were always trying to have 'all of us get together' - 'we're just friends' is the phrase that now makes me want to vomit for how many times he told me that - then he started training with her for a marathon, they did that two years in a row, with my support at the finish line and our 3 kids and his 80 year old parents in tow - both times! So a month ago....I was looking at our 16-year old's phone bill, switched over to my husbands on a whim and bam! there it is - they are talking to each other constantly - he calls her in the morning on the way to work and on the way home and when he is grocery shopping and they text constantly AND while he was away on business trip they talked for an hour until midnight. (this is a workaholic man that goes to bed like clockwork at 10pm every night when he is home) It makes you really question reality and your life as you know it. It makes you doubt yourself and feel that you are not good enough - it pisses you off and paralyzes you - but then that is crap, too! Actually this woman and my husband are just your average selfish cheaters like so many others have been as unfortunate to have married on this board - They can't see past themselves and their boo-hoo loneliness and blame is the name of their game. It's the average part that I thought our marriage had escaped - I thought our life held deep meaning, yes even though we weren't always getting along. I knew one thing for sure - that no matter how bad it got - I could trust my husband never to betray me. I think the cheaters need attention and to escape (who doesn't) and are somewhat unintelligent emotionally - but now been in counseling and feel that I am abandoning myself and what's left of my dignity if I 'work on' this marriage - fuck it right?. The sick part is that during counseling, he wants to kind of gloss over the 2+ year affair and get down to the part where he is a basically happy person (total fiction of his mind as he complains constantly about his employees, the dirty dishes, the kids grades, etc.) and that I am not a fun person to be around :) that just made me smile at how funny it is.... I don't think I can love him again and definitely I won't ever forgive him. He did say what they all say....he's sorry....it wasn't reality what he was having with her.....she didn't judge him....she laughed at his jokes....blah blah....gimme a fucking break - these are basic needs for acceptance - we all have them, but if you are not getting them from your spouse, then maybe you should work on your marriage 'before' you become bff's with a person of the opposite sex to feel that someone likes you so you feel better about yourself. But now that he's 'already apologized' he really wants to focus on how we've never been on the same page - him fun, me 'not fun' -- and that is why he works from 6am to 7pm and every night after dinner until 10pm (yep bedtime unless he's out of town) because I am too critical and blah blah blah let me summarize it with "I am a great person, but my wife sucks". What would the poll say if questioning whether to work on it or really take the wake up call and run for your 'new life' dreams ? what do you say broken-hearted breathren?- oh that's right, there's still the children and your job and money.....I think that's why I'm staying for now - I'm also sick of putting on a happy face and pretending this didn't happen. Quite the conundrum - can't believe it's my pathetic life!!.....but thank you all so much for venting here - it's fascinating and tragic and a connection of emotions that have helped me find my own. Peace and love to all of you - except the cheaters ;) K – Wow your comments really resonated with me. Like how can a person – you – throw away all those years and just start over? – but then you feel like a complete idiot for not doing just that! My husband of 19 years has been having an emotional affair with a woman from his work for around 3 years…it’s hard to say when they crossed the line – she and her husband are really good friends of ours and we have spent tons of time with them going out and having them over, etc. I started noticing about a year ago that he was getting way too many texts from her (she and I really never clicked – I liked her husband’s personality better, but she was fun enough to go out with) anyway, I talked to him about it – ofcourse it’s my fault – he just has fun with her, I ‘never want to go out’ (no not with her because I sensed it and they were always trying to have ‘all of us get together’ – ‘we’re just friends’ is the phrase that now makes me want to vomit for how many times he told me that – then he started training with her for a marathon, they did that two years in a row, with my support at the finish line and our 3 kids and his 80 year old parents in tow – both times! So a month ago….I was looking at our 16-year old’s phone bill, switched over to my husbands on a whim and bam! there it is – they are talking to each other constantly – he calls her in the morning on the way to work and on the way home and when he is grocery shopping and they text constantly AND while he was away on business trip they talked for an hour until midnight. (this is a workaholic man that goes to bed like clockwork at 10pm every night when he is home) It makes you really question reality and your life as you know it. It makes you doubt yourself and feel that you are not good enough – it pisses you off and paralyzes you – but then that is crap, too! Actually this woman and my husband are just your average selfish cheaters like so many others have been as unfortunate to have married on this board – They can’t see past themselves and their boo-hoo loneliness and blame is the name of their game. It’s the average part that I thought our marriage had escaped – I thought our life held deep meaning, yes even though we weren’t always getting along. I knew one thing for sure – that no matter how bad it got – I could trust my husband never to betray me. I think the cheaters need attention and to escape (who doesn’t) and are somewhat unintelligent emotionally – but now been in counseling and feel that I am abandoning myself and what’s left of my dignity if I ‘work on’ this marriage – fuck it right?. The sick part is that during counseling, he wants to kind of gloss over the 2+ year affair and get down to the part where he is a basically happy person (total fiction of his mind as he complains constantly about his employees, the dirty dishes, the kids grades, etc.) and that I am not a fun person to be around :) that just made me smile at how funny it is…. I don’t think I can love him again and definitely I won’t ever forgive him. He did say what they all say….he’s sorry….it wasn’t reality what he was having with her…..she didn’t judge him….she laughed at his jokes….blah blah….gimme a fucking break – these are basic needs for acceptance – we all have them, but if you are not getting them from your spouse, then maybe you should work on your marriage ‘before’ you become bff’s with a person of the opposite sex to feel that someone likes you so you feel better about yourself. But now that he’s ‘already apologized’ he really wants to focus on how we’ve never been on the same page – him fun, me ‘not fun’ — and that is why he works from 6am to 7pm and every night after dinner until 10pm (yep bedtime unless he’s out of town) because I am too critical and blah blah blah let me summarize it with “I am a great person, but my wife sucks”. What would the poll say if questioning whether to work on it or really take the wake up call and run for your ‘new life’ dreams ? what do you say broken-hearted breathren?- oh that’s right, there’s still the children and your job and money…..I think that’s why I’m staying for now – I’m also sick of putting on a happy face and pretending this didn’t happen. Quite the conundrum – can’t believe it’s my pathetic life!!…..but thank you all so much for venting here – it’s fascinating and tragic and a connection of emotions that have helped me find my own. Peace and love to all of you – except the cheaters ;)

]]> By: Addicted http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-5/#comment-722334 Addicted Mon, 21 Nov 2011 12:54:03 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-722334 Hi, I am in love with a boy from where I lived whilst growing up and when we started dating the passion/lust was amazing....we seldom fought...it's like when I was with him there was nothing to complain....it was almost always peaceful just being by his side....he too seldom had any issues to rake up with me...I loved and still love the intensity of himself that he tries to hide....this was when he was 22 and I was 21 then later he went abroad to work and we wrote and called each other...then he was spotted by a friend of mine at a party...in the city he lived...he was cheating on me...I called and told him that was unfair coz I was being really faithful.....he initially denied it but I did not listen and my ego was super hurt....I did not ever contact him and he didn't either....I was lost....completely, but hid all of it in the fact that I had loads of friends and great parents....I had men crazy after me and treated them like dirt after that......I then got involved with a very kind man....who fell in love with me....I warned him that the timing was not right however, he chose to still pursue our relationship and things just kept going on....my father who was very close to me...knew what I was going thru and when he saw this kind man so in love with me ...my dad was jubliant when he proposed to me....I agreed provided he agreed to wait for 2 years after getting engaged....as luck would have it.....he had to go to the US for a job and wanted to up the date of our marriage to which my father was utterly pleased coz he knew what was on my mind....anyways, I'd given up and got married and shifted to the States....when I had my first son I named him with the same alphabet as my first and only love and when my son was around 3 months my old love called to ask me why I named him with the same alphabet....I responded saying just like that....he apologised and told me he was geting married and then we lost touch....Last year my father died and on the day of the funeral my old love messaged me and eventhough I was so distraught...I was still disturbed and jumpy with his message....we were in touch again.....later I realised that he was splitting with his wife and for whatever reasons....we were in touch via mail every single day since and I just fell to the bottom of the well....totally in love with him....eventhough I should have been hating the man who ruined my life in a way....but he has changed and is very gentle....disuaded me a lot, didn't show any interest, and in many ways I feel it's me who has pushed to have what we do today ...it's two years now and we mail each other every day....the mails are lovely, sweet, nothing vulgar, no sex talk...but gentle and ofcourse there is flirting and it's crazy coz I think of him every second of the day and have told him exactly how I feel....and he has still held his stand...with giving away just a little once in a while...we tell each other that we love each other and have promised not to meet....but that may not stay the same for too long coz we do want to....it's just so difficult to figure what's going on....since he lives far away he calls me every Fri and we chat for a while...other than our daily mails....we have discussed if he is on a rebound or why I am unhappy in my marriage...still there is no answer that he or I get.....I could write tons more about this but I would not know where to stop. I love him....deep, deep from within the recesses of my soul and he knows that. Do advise. thanks...yours truly Addicted :) Hi,

I am in love with a boy from where I lived whilst growing up and when we started dating the passion/lust was amazing….we seldom fought…it’s like when I was with him there was nothing to complain….it was almost always peaceful just being by his side….he too seldom had any issues to rake up with me…I loved and still love the intensity of himself that he tries to hide….this was when he was 22 and I was 21 then later he went abroad to work and we wrote and called each other…then he was spotted by a friend of mine at a party…in the city he lived…he was cheating on me…I called and told him that was unfair coz I was being really faithful…..he initially denied it but I did not listen and my ego was super hurt….I did not ever contact him and he didn’t either….I was lost….completely, but hid all of it in the fact that I had loads of friends and great parents….I had men crazy after me and treated them like dirt after that……I then got involved with a very kind man….who fell in love with me….I warned him that the timing was not right however, he chose to still pursue our relationship and things just kept going on….my father who was very close to me…knew what I was going thru and when he saw this kind man so in love with me …my dad was jubliant when he proposed to me….I agreed provided he agreed to wait for 2 years after getting engaged….as luck would have it…..he had to go to the US for a job and wanted to up the date of our marriage to which my father was utterly pleased coz he knew what was on my mind….anyways, I’d given up and got married and shifted to the States….when I had my first son I named him with the same alphabet as my first and only love and when my son was around 3 months my old love called to ask me why I named him with the same alphabet….I responded saying just like that….he apologised and told me he was geting married and then we lost touch….Last year my father died and on the day of the funeral my old love messaged me and eventhough I was so distraught…I was still disturbed and jumpy with his message….we were in touch again…..later I realised that he was splitting with his wife and for whatever reasons….we were in touch via mail every single day since and I just fell to the bottom of the well….totally in love with him….eventhough I should have been hating the man who ruined my life in a way….but he has changed and is very gentle….disuaded me a lot, didn’t show any interest, and in many ways I feel it’s me who has pushed to have what we do today …it’s two years now and we mail each other every day….the mails are lovely, sweet, nothing vulgar, no sex talk…but gentle and ofcourse there is flirting and it’s crazy coz I think of him every second of the day and have told him exactly how I feel….and he has still held his stand…with giving away just a little once in a while…we tell each other that we love each other and have promised not to meet….but that may not stay the same for too long coz we do want to….it’s just so difficult to figure what’s going on….since he lives far away he calls me every Fri and we chat for a while…other than our daily mails….we have discussed if he is on a rebound or why I am unhappy in my marriage…still there is no answer that he or I get…..I could write tons more about this but I would not know where to stop. I love him….deep, deep from within the recesses of my soul and he knows that. Do advise. thanks…yours truly Addicted :)

]]> By: broken hearted http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-5/#comment-722005 broken hearted Wed, 16 Nov 2011 00:07:02 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-722005 I have known this guy since I was 18,he is 13 years older than me.We had worked together and always had a thing for each other until he got married and I started dating someone.Again when I was 21 we had a night out and ended up kissing,he said he would leave his wife but I couldn't commit to this.After ten years of not seeing each other we have met again at the beginning of this year.He texted me everyday or would call,brought my flowers and told me that he has had very strong feelings for me.we then slept together once and a few months later he said he couldn't do it any more.He said he wanted us to remain friends but still talked with me everyday and still flirted with me and told me he thought about me all the time.A few months ago I had a breakdown because I couldn't cope and no I am not perfect and I am responsible too.He has said that he cannot tell his wife that he meets me even though he convinces himself we are just friends and I have asked him if I am just a friend he would tell her.He has said if I meet anyone it would devastate him and said he cant leave because he would lose too much money.I have told him that I couldn't remain friends because even though I am only 34 he has always been my soul mate and I cant love unconditionally and not have them.He has told me never to contact him again and said I killed the relationship.I am now having to see a psychologist and I feel I don't want to be here any more because the pain is so bad,I trusted him.I have also wrote to him to say I cant believe what he did but that I miss him so much I know he wont reply.I would like it if someone could give me some advice .Thanks I have known this guy since I was 18,he is 13 years older than me.We had worked together and always had a thing for each other until he got married and I started dating someone.Again when I was 21 we had a night out and ended up kissing,he said he would leave his wife but I couldn’t commit to this.After ten years of not seeing each other we have met again at the beginning of this year.He texted me everyday or would call,brought my flowers and told me that he has had very strong feelings for me.we then slept together once and a few months later he said he couldn’t do it any more.He said he wanted us to remain friends but still talked with me everyday and still flirted with me and told me he thought about me all the time.A few months ago I had a breakdown because I couldn’t cope and no I am not perfect and I am responsible too.He has said that he cannot tell his wife that he meets me even though he convinces himself we are just friends and I have asked him if I am just a friend he would tell her.He has said if I meet anyone it would devastate him and said he cant leave because he would lose too much money.I have told him that I couldn’t remain friends because even though I am only 34 he has always been my soul mate and I cant love unconditionally and not have them.He has told me never to contact him again and said I killed the relationship.I am now having to see a psychologist and I feel I don’t want to be here any more because the pain is so bad,I trusted him.I have also wrote to him to say I cant believe what he did but that I miss him so much I know he wont reply.I would like it if someone could give me some advice .Thanks

]]> By: Me http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-5/#comment-721774 Me Fri, 11 Nov 2011 00:14:51 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-721774 walk away please. You are only hurting everyone involved. Think past yourself. walk away please. You are only hurting everyone involved. Think past yourself.

]]> By: Slowrecover http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-3/#comment-720608 Slowrecover Sun, 23 Oct 2011 23:26:47 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-720608 Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds very much like mine. I'm beginning to feel much better now although its only been 6 days since my breakup. I don't and I wont regret this EA although I do know it was wrong. I do believe all things happen for a reason and people come in and maybe out of your life for a reason. I got to experience a great passion love that I don't think I will ever experience again and for that I'm grateful. I too believe this will open an door to communicate and to teach the younger women to know exactly what they want and need before they get married and not to settle for nothing less then the real, true, passionate love. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds very much like mine. I’m beginning to feel much better now although its only been 6 days since my breakup. I don’t and I wont regret this EA although I do know it was wrong. I do believe all things happen for a reason and people come in and maybe out of your life for a reason. I got to experience a great passion love that I don’t think I will ever experience again and for that I’m grateful. I too believe this will open an door to communicate and to teach the younger women to know exactly what they want and need before they get married and not to settle for nothing less then the real, true, passionate love.

]]> By: Do women ever blame their husband?! http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-5/#comment-720419 Do women ever blame their husband?! Thu, 20 Oct 2011 15:05:10 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-720419 I do feel sadness for ALL parties involved in any sort of affair. Noboby "asks" for it to happen and not everyone "seeks" it out. Most of these posts sounds like all of "blame" is put on the "other" man or woman. Why is that?? Do you honestly think that your spouse isn't to blame at all? I am not trying to offend anyone on here, but BOTH parties are 100% accountable for their actions, not just "the other" man or woman. One last thing, ALL 3 people get HURT and are in PAIN! Just remember that they say God brings people into your life for a reason...Don't always blame "the other" man or woman. I do feel sadness for ALL parties involved in any sort of affair. Noboby “asks” for it to happen and not everyone “seeks” it out. Most of these posts sounds like all of “blame” is put on the “other” man or woman. Why is that?? Do you honestly think that your spouse isn’t to blame at all? I am not trying to offend anyone on here, but BOTH parties are 100% accountable for their actions, not just “the other” man or woman. One last thing, ALL 3 people get HURT and are in PAIN! Just remember that they say God brings people into your life for a reason…Don’t always blame “the other” man or woman.

]]> By: D http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/11/12-ways-to-recover-from-an-emotional-affair/comment-page-5/#comment-719262 D Sat, 01 Oct 2011 21:54:02 +0000 http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=3318#comment-719262 K I really feel for you and understand your situation. my husband cheated after we had been together for 15 years. one of the most hurtful things for me was how quickly he developed feelings for her. We had spend years creating a life and a family. It is insulting to hear that it was so easily tossed aside for selfish reasons. We went to therapy and he has said all the "right"things but hearing him say he loves me now is shallow. Obviously he doesn't know the true meaning since a year ago he was telling us both at the same time that he loved us. We are together but every day I feel closer to a breakdown. i fell apart at first, of course. but after therapy I felt stronger. We stopped going a few months ago and i spend so much energy trying to put on a happy face that I want to scream. I feel like it's fresh again. I want to kill him or her or both even though it was a brief affair that ended a year ago. Some days I want to drive off or drown my sorrows in a bottle but I can't do anything because of my responsibilities here. I wish there was a support group nearby of others going through this because I want to just cry with people who really understand. I don't have the energy anymore to smile or explain or make excuses to people about why I can't get together. I just can't face the world anymore. i feel like such a failure and a joke. I feel stupid for staying but afraid to leave. I don't want to just throw away all those years but I also don't think they have the same meaning anymore. I guess they meant more to me than to him or he never would have cheated. so what am I staying around for. We have to start over and I have so much hurt and anger in me that I don't know if I can. K I really feel for you and understand your situation. my husband cheated after we had been together for 15 years. one of the most hurtful things for me was how quickly he developed feelings for her. We had spend years creating a life and a family. It is insulting to hear that it was so easily tossed aside for selfish reasons. We went to therapy and he has said all the “right”things but hearing him say he loves me now is shallow. Obviously he doesn’t know the true meaning since a year ago he was telling us both at the same time that he loved us. We are together but every day I feel closer to a breakdown. i fell apart at first, of course. but after therapy I felt stronger. We stopped going a few months ago and i spend so much energy trying to put on a happy face that I want to scream. I feel like it’s fresh again. I want to kill him or her or both even though it was a brief affair that ended a year ago. Some days I want to drive off or drown my sorrows in a bottle but I can’t do anything because of my responsibilities here. I wish there was a support group nearby of others going through this because I want to just cry with people who really understand. I don’t have the energy anymore to smile or explain or make excuses to people about why I can’t get together. I just can’t face the world anymore. i feel like such a failure and a joke. I feel stupid for staying but afraid to leave. I don’t want to just throw away all those years but I also don’t think they have the same meaning anymore. I guess they meant more to me than to him or he never would have cheated. so what am I staying around for. We have to start over and I have so much hurt and anger in me that I don’t know if I can.

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