Psychotherapy is a unique relationship, a kind of connection that is unlike any other kind of relationship a person has in their life. In some ways, it can be more intimate than our most intimate relationships, but it also paradoxically values a vestige of professional distance between therapist and client.
Therapists, alas, are just as human as the clients they see and come with the same human foibles. They have bad habits, as we all do, but some of those habits have the very real potential of interfering with the psychotherapy process and the unique psychotherapy relationship.
So without further ado, here are twelve things you wish your therapist didn’t do — some of which may actually harm the psychotherapeutic relationship.
1. Showing up late for the appointment.
Therapists will usually charge a client for an appointment if they fail to cancel it with less than 24 hours notice. Yet some therapists seem perfectly oblivious to the clock when it comes to showing up on time for appointments. While the occasional lateness may be excused, some therapists seem to be living in another time zone altogether and consistently show up late for their appointments with their clients — anywhere from 5 minutes to even two hours! Chronic lateness is often symptomatic of poor time management skills.
2. Eating in front of the client.
Unless you have enough for everyone, eating and drinking during a psychotherapy appointment is considered ill-mannered. Some therapists offer clients the same access to coffee or water that they themselves enjoy. (If you’re going to drink something in front of a client, make sure you offer your client the same.) Eating while in session — by client or therapist — is never appropriate (it’s therapy, not mealtime). And asking, “Do you mind if I finish my lunch while we get started?” is inappropriate — clients don’t always feel comfortable enough with expressing their true feelings.
3. Yawning or sleeping during session.
Yes, believe it or not, there are therapists who fall asleep during session. And while an occasional yawn is a normal component of our daily functioning, non-stop yawning is usually only interpreted one way by a client — they are boring the therapist. Therapists need to get a good night’s sleep every night, or else they cannot be effective in their job (which requires constant and consistent attention and concentration).
4. Inappropriate disclosures.
Inappropriate disclosures refer to the therapist sharing a bit too much about their own personal difficulties or life. Most therapists are warned about doing too much disclosure in session with their clients, because it’s the client’s therapy, not the therapist’s. Therapists shouldn’t plan their vacations while in session, go on endlessly about their graduate school training or research topics (especially if they were focused on rats), or share how much they enjoy their summer house on the Cape. Therapists should keep personal disclosures limited (even when the client asks).
5. Being impossible to reach by phone or email.
In our ever-more connected world, a therapist who doesn’t return phone calls or an email about an upcoming appointment or insurance question stands out like a sore thumb. While no client expects 24/7 connectivity to their therapist (although some might like it), they do expect timely return calls (or emails if the therapist allows that modality of contact). Waiting a week for a return phone call is simply unprofessional and unacceptable in virtually any profession, including psychotherapy.
6. Distracted by a phone, cell phone, computer or pet.
Therapists will often ask their clients to silence their cell phone before entering session. The policy has to go both ways, or it shows disrespect to the client and their time in session. Therapists should virtually never accept any phone calls while in session (except for true emergencies), and they should turn away from any other distractions, such as a computer screen. In a world that increasingly values inattention and multi-tasking, clients seek refuge from such distractions in the psychotherapist’s office.
7. Expressing racial, sexual, musical, lifestyle and religious preferences.
Although an extension of the “too much disclosure” bad habit, this one deserves its own special mention. Clients generally don’t want to hear about a therapist’s personal preferences when it comes to their sexuality, race, religion or lifestyle. Unless the psychotherapy is specifically targeting one of these areas, these types of disclosures are usually best left alone. While it might be fine to mention something in passing (as long as it’s not offensive), a therapist who spends an entire session discussing favorite musicians or love of a particular religious passage is not likely helping their client.
8. Bringing your pet to the psychotherapy session.
Unless cleared and okayed ahead of time, therapists should not bring their pets to the office. While sometimes therapists see clients in a home office, pets should stay out of the office while they are in session. To the client, a psychotherapy session is a refuge and a place of peace and healing — pets can disturb that peacefulness and calm. Pets are generally not an appropriate part of psychotherapy.
9. Hugging and physical contact.
Physical contact between client and therapist must always be expressly spelled out and okayed by both parties ahead of time. Yes, that includes hugging. Some clients are disturbed by such touching or hugging, and want no part of it (even if it’s something a therapist might typically do). Both therapists and clients should always check ahead of time with the other before attempting any type of physical contact, and respect the other person’s wishes. At no time is a sexual relationship or sexual touching appropriate in the psychotherapy relationship.
10. Inappropriate displays of wealth or dress.
Psychotherapists are first and foremost professionals, and any displays of wealth and style should be discarded in exchange for dressing in an appropriate and modest style. A therapist slathered in expensive jewelry is a put-off to most clients, as are blouses or dresses that show too much skin or cleavage. Too casual of dress can also be a problem. Jeans may suggest too casual an approach to a professional service that the client is paying for.
11. Clock watching.
Nobody likes to feel they are boring to another person. Unfortunately the therapist who hasn’t learned how to tell the time without checking the clock every five minutes is going to be noticed by the client. Most experienced therapists have a good sense of how long a session has gone without having to look at a clock until late in the session. But some therapists seem obsessively compulsive about making note of the time, and the client notices (and internally, they may tell themselves what they’re saying isn’t really important to the therapist).
12. Excessive note-taking.
Progress notes are a standard part of psychotherapy. Many therapists do not take notes during a session because it can be distracting to the process of psychotherapy. They instead rely on their memory to cover the highlights of the session after the session has ended. Some therapists, however, believe they must capture every detail of every session in their notes, and obsessively note-take during sessions. Such constant note-taking is a distraction for most clients, and some may find that the therapist uses the behavior to keep an emotional distance from the client. If note-taking is done during session, it should be done sparingly and discreetly.
(108 votes, average: 4.6 out of 5)
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Links to This Article
From Tara Parker-Pope at The New York Times' blog Well:
The 12 Most Annoying Habits of Therapists - Well Blog - NYTimes.com (3/13/2009)
12 habits of therapists, good and bad » The-F-Word.org (3/13/2009)
How to be a good therapist/How reflective reframing can transform therapy (3/13/2009)
Offended When Your Therapist Yawns? Maybe He’s Human After All. « Who Needs Therapy? (3/16/2009)
Annoying Habits of Therapists « The Phrenologist’s Notebook (3/23/2009)
Annoying habits of therapists :: Sophie Nicholls (4/16/2009)
From Psych Central's World of Psychology:
How Do You Find a Good Therapist? An Interview with Dr. John Grohol | World of Psychology (6/5/2009)
How Do You Find a Good Therapist? An Interview with Dr. John Grohol | Mental Health Blogs (6/5/2009)
NY Times roundup (6/8/2009)
167 Comments to
“12 Most Annoying Bad Habits of Therapists”
One thing I really hate about therapists is when they say, “So…how does that make you feel?”
I think to myself…
“DUH!? How do you think it makes me feel????”
When you are upset about something, why ask this? It is OBVIOUS YOU FEEL upset/sad/mad, etc. COMMON SENSE.
I’ve been to many therapists in my lifetime and they always seem to use the same phrases over and over. Sometimes it feels condescending or just a plain stupid question to ask.
The generic phrases are old and I wish they would learn to talk to their patients on a more “personalized” level.
I guess I’ve had better luck. That stinks. Reading through the list, I actually laughed aloud…none of my various therapists has ever done anything like this. One of my biggest complaints has been that the therapist talks too much…but that’s really about it.
my therapist i swear she looks at the every 10 min. that bugs me to death, then she’ll answers her cell phone.
I briefly saw a psychiatrist who told me her whole life story–repeatedly. Every comment I made triggered a long story about her life. I stopped going to therapy because it seemed like such a waste of time to spend most of the session listening to her talk about her own experiences, which really didn’t have much relationship to my problems, so hearing about them didn’t help me to deal with my problems.
What a great post. I burst out laughing as soon as I saw the therapist yawning picture. As a therapist I try hard to be professional at all times which I don’t think has to mean stand off-ish or stony faced. There’s a line, though, and you draw it quite well.
Very nice list–I might have to disagree about casual dress though. The east coast is probably a bit more dressy. Here in New Mexico business casual is considered jeans and a nice shirt (cowboy boots are optional). If you’re the governor–add a bolo tie.
@Elvira… Agreed. You can’t help but stifle a yawn here and there throughout the day. But if a therapist is yawning 10 or 20 times in one session, that’s excessive!
@Laura… Agreed… clothing styles vary widely from region to region, and I almost didn’t include that sentence. But I have seen therapists dress-down a bit *too* much sometimes. But you’re right — in some parts of the country or with some therapists, jeans might be perfectly fine and acceptable.
I really liked this list. The not eating point is interesting though… more the rigidity of saying that eating in-session is never appropriate for clients. True, I would never eat in front of my client, but on very occasions with clients who have had to rush in late to therapy in between appointments, or who have blood sugar issues, I would not discourage them from having a snack in-session, if necessary. I would like my clients to be able to take care of themselves, and I’d prefer that to having a client starve herself through a session, thinking it’s not allowed. Of course, we might end up talking clinically about self-care if this happens a lot.
thank you for specifically saying: AT NO TIME is a sexual relationship or sexual touching appropriate in the psychotherapy setting. I just wish our colleagues who find out this behavior has occurred with a prior clinician gets reported, if not by the patient then by the clinician it is reported to, as we as clinicians have not just an obligation but a responsibility to report impaired colleagues.
Not an option, but an expectation. If anything else, to help the healing process for the patient and to reteach the patient what is right. It still goes on and it is nothing less than obscene if others know of it and do nothing!
@Keely… Rare exceptions can be made for any rule, of course, but I think it’s important to clearly delineate that therapy works best when both parties are focused at the task at hand and not distracted by things like food, cell phones, or pets.
@therapyfirst… Indeed, it was unfortunate I even needed to write those words, but I thought that sadly it does happen, and people need to be reminded that a therapist is wrong to make sexual advances (or worse) toward their clients.
This is a long-brought on rebellious comment. How about when you are psyco-diverted and brought disengaged Like, your situation in a drug-forced /concerned inappropriate situation.. my “psychiatrist” completely disarrays just about any fact, that I have -good reason- to disagree with the doctor’s assessment. The real BURN is that’s like a shrink saying “sucker,its not my problem!” a BS, BS situation..
I would like to add “Ending the session too abruptly or early”
Sometimes a therapist needs to guide the client into closure instead of just getting up when time is up. I’ve had a therapist stand up when I’m in the middle of asking a question or advice. It was unprofessional and made me feel, as the client, unheard and unimportant. Also, ending a session early seems like a big no-no. Especially if you or your insurance is paying for that time.
I had a therapist who fell asleep during every session. It turns out she was actually taking too many pain pills after foot surgery, but I didn’t know that! I would be sharing intimate details of what was bothering me and look up and she would be sawing logs. How rude! Needless to say I stopped seeing her. My therapist now is wonderful. We talk about therapy interfering behaviors and if there are any, we work them out. She is the best.
Interesting article!
Although I do find that I partially blame the educational system for this lax and crude behavior. It is wide consensus among “conservatives” on the issue that the educational system is not suppose to provide an individual with internal moral codes or ethics, but rather just to teach and introduce the learner to “book-knowledge.” While I do partially agree with this, I do not agree that colleges and graduate schools/professional schools of psychology should be exempt from helping their students to be polite and uphold good etiquette. The APA obviously created the code of ethics for a reason.
Perhaps this is a great warning of what colleges and graduate schools/professional schools of psychology should consider implementing in their curriculum.
While going through college in psychology and now graduate school, I have yet to see any classes that prepares an individual for professionalism and that helps to navigate values into one’s career. Where do prospective psychologists and therapists learn to become the ethical individuals they should work to become? Schools should be partially responsible for this.
I once heard someone say: “A degree makes you a doctor, but it doesn’t make you qualified.” Maybe there is some truth to this =)
You made a good list of behaviors to avoid while counseling. I’d like to add my personal experience with seeing a counselor for 3 years.
While the meetings are supposed to last 50 minutes, ours often lasted 2 hours or more. Half of that time was spent by the psychologist telling me all of her problems! I would put off bringing up my own issues, because I didn’t want to appear rude or uncaring.
Lol oh man been there done that. I once had a t just sit there and nod, she had the “Mhmm”’s She woundn’t say ANYTHING else other than mhmm… she was older about to retire I believe… Also she had a wig… for some reason that stands out in my mind… ah old frayed wig. I didn’t like her too much.
What a great post – and great comments! I still can’t believe that any remotely appropriately qualified therapist would do any of these!
I have never met a therapist yet who would spend the time telling me their own problems but if they did I would immediately run for the hills.
I’d be interested as to any opinions on when these are just “annoyances” such as (perhaps) falling asleep in session which can just about be excused as countertransference *maybe* and things that should be reported to the appropriate governing body. Obviously any sexual behaviour needs to be reported as someone mentioned above.
It is very difficult I think for clients to know when to leave a therapist because of unacceptable behaviour and when to report said behaviour to prevent damage to others who are treated.
Once again, great post.
Unreal that people/therapist would think anything on this list was ok to do. I guess I’ve been lucky in my pick of doctors.
One experience I had though with an AA “therapist” that made advances on me when I was there to talk about my husband’s drinking problem. Needless to say that was my last session with him but unfortunately it never occurred to me to report him.
I have a friend who goes to a therapist who eats during the season, has THREE dogs wandering around, is chronically late (my friend actually waits in her car outside in the parking lot until she sees her therapist arrive rather than go into the waiting room)!!!
I could not believe that my friend did not express that these behaviors were distracting to her (they were) & were not conducive to her having helpful sessions. She still sees this therapist.
I’ve been to many therapists. I have bipolar disorder. One therapist told me on the 3rd session that she thought I shouldn’t be on medication as medications “blunted my emotions.” I was amazed as without medication I would not be able to participate in therapy at all. Previous to being on medication for bipolar my emotions were so extreme that attempts at therapy were pretty useless as I was usually crying uncontrollably through the sessions & made no progress whatsoever.
One therapist I saw would frequently run out of the forms I needed to file my insurance claims (yet I doubt she would accept it if I would run out of checks often & not be able to pay her). What irked me about this was that she was dressed like a fashion model with all the accessories & fancy shoes (revealing pedicures were done frequently) & a body that had regular trips to the gym so she obviously could remember these “important” things. Somehow my things weren’t very important to her.
I see one of the annoying things mentioned was being too flashy in dressing. I thought it was just me as I have very low self-esteem & have some issues with my looks & felt very inferior to her. One of my “problems” was that my mother committed suicide was I was 15 (she also had bipolar) & my father told me she did it because she was losing her looks (she was 45). So somehow with this therapist spending so much time & energy on her looks seemed to confirm that a woman’s value was indeed her looks. I’m sure she didn’t know she was sending that “message” to me, but it does seem all these behaviors are not just annoying but sending a “message” to the client about how the therapist isn’t interested or is bored or is self-involved, etc.
I guess I got lucky. My therapist does none of these things. I have been to a handful of therapists in my life, and I don’t think any of them did anything on this list except for maybe the clock watching, and that is to be expected sort of.
I had a female therapist who was gorgeous and knew it. She sometimes wore revealing clothing that was hard to take your eyes off of if you were a man. I told her it was distracting me and she proceeded to process me on that issue. I just said, don’t wear that in front of me! Period!
Also the “what are you feeling is annoying. And when they are stumped by what to say or do and they won’t admit it. Just say, “I’m not what to say now or I am going to have to think about it and then respond.”
Last thing which was a major upset for me. My THerapist terminated me from group therapy over the phone with no final closure or discussion. I came close to filing a complaing against her. Her response, “you are taking this too personally.” Agghhh!
As a patient myself I completely agree with this list and have run to some extremely rude therapists. I had a couple of them that would constantly eat in front of me thru out the entire session. And another telling me all about they’re personal lives when I’m the one thats the patient not them! I’m there to talk to them about how I feel , not to sit there and listen to they’re life stories! I’ve also been told by my last two therapists that I don’t know what I’m talking about ,that it’s all in my head(even though I know it’s not!)-I’m not STUPID!!,and that I’m full of B.S. and I’m not joking about any of this! There are lots of therapists out there that shouldn’t even be working as therapists because they’re completely insensitive and EXTREMELY RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL to they’re patients and there’s absolutely no excuse what so ever for being that way! I pay good money to go talk to these people!
I had one therapist who seemed overly concerned with whether I liked her or not. She would frequently ask me if I liked her, how I felt about her, and she would give me small gifts. I was uncomfortable with it all, but I was very young, only 18 and I did not know what to do. I would have preferred she stayed so neutral and clinical. I had trouble telling her what was really going on because I did not want to spark one of those, do you like me discussions. Now that I am older and in therapy again, I have a therapist that is really good. Sometimes she overly obviously checks the clock and she is always a little late, but she is very available in between sessions and overall is great. She always has water with her in the sessions and drinks out of the bottle frequently. I guess I have noticed it a lot so maybe it is a distraction but she has a long drive to get to the office I see her at which she comes to this office only one day a week so I guess I just think that is okay then. Overall she is very very good and I have healed so much in the 11 months with her. She used to write a lot of notes the first three or four months but now does not write any. The change bothered me but now I am used to it and it is okay. I think she had to stop so she could see me nod or shake my head since I sometimes forget to actually say yes or no.
In response to funnyguy’s comment- I don’t blame you- these people are suppose to be professionals! No one what so ever should be allowed to dress that way in a “professional setting”. I find that absolutely disrespectful, completely insensitive,and rude ! I can’t believe a company would ever hire someone like that. I would report that person no matter what he/she said to you. She has no right what so ever to do what she did to you over the phone(common courtesy and respect for the patient) and apparently this one doesn’t have any of that.And as far as taking it too personally, thats a bunch of junk! You have every right as a patient to be able to walk into a therapist’s office and feel comfortable around that person not having to worry about what that person is wearing and how much of they’re body they’re showing off! That is soooo unprofessional it’s not even funny. To me, therapists need to dress with alot of common sense! They’re not going out to a club dancing, they’re going to work! I really think you should see if you can find a different therapist because apparently this one has no respect for you as a patient and go ahead and report them.
That’s awesome Lily! I’m glad to hear everything is falling back into place for you. As for me my new therapist just rocks! And she has done soooo much for me in the last 7 months that I’ve been seeing her 
Now it’s to the point where I can talk to her openly not have to worry about anything. I’m one that doesn’t trust people easily and takes a while for me to get there and she respected that and didn’t push me .
A recent trend locally is for certain referral sources to ask me as the therapist to contact the potential client to arrange an initial appointment. This usually ends up with multiple phone messages, and also puts the responsibility on the wrong person to initiate therapy. I wouldn’t expect my child’s pediatrician to call me to arrange his next appointment, I don’t expect any other professional for that matter to make the initial contact, so it seems pretty inappropriate for it to be expected for psychotherapy or counseling. However, if I want to work with families from these sources, I get to make the initial contact calls. Making return calls to voice mail, etc. becomes cumbersome and frustrating, and puts the “being impossible to reach” part in a different perspective.
my appointments were at 1:00 pm and my therapist used my time EVERY week as her lunch hour, even though my binge eating was a major issue. she would also inject her insulin first, not shielding herself at all. she brought food she said her cook made for her (!) and would lecture me about eating better. meantime, I gained 70 lbs on depakote and she said to stay on it, as the “mood stability” was more important than weight control! She discounted my fee, so I felt too grateful to object.
I am amazed about the list of therapists’ behaviors and fully understand the clients’ issues in sharing their discomforts. I had a therapist who would nod off repeatedly during therapy. He was, unknown at the time, developing dementia. That means I spent a lot of time and money talking with someone who was not “present” in the moment. A later therapist, whom I loved dearly and made huge strides with, would on occasion begin to blink and nod off. When this happened I always shut down. I couldn’t continue to focus on the discussion and sharing my thoughts. In both instances, I would never have considered saying anything about this behavior. I had enough time confronting issues with their support. How could I ever think of addressing this with either of them?
Confrontation was not forte’…
my current therapist answers the phone and it is annoying. my previous one who was great might have answered but said right away i’ll cal you back no conversation just i’ll call you back. i’d rather that than the stupid phone ringing or blinking. but this one has a whole conversation and it seems someone calls almost every session
it is tacky to dress like hooker at any job. talking to a therapist should be as comfortable as talking to your bestest friend in the entire world. people don’t have enough good and best not to mention bestest friends that is why we need therapist not enough people stop the world and just listen just because they are your friend and well there are just some people who give horrible advice and are to chicken to tell the truth or tell the truth but won’t tell you what they want you to do about it
it is the therapists basic job function to stop the world and listen.
I am bi-polar with varying traits of different personality disorders (like everyone else in the world). I have been going to therapy for decades with lots of different therapist. Initially when going to therapy I agree with the above comments BUT based on my age, experience with therapists and the length of time I have been going to therapy, I believe the following comments stated above 1, 2, 4, 6 and 7 (within reason) are perfectly reasonable and works better for me. I had gotten to the point of not considering that my therapist is a person too. For my personal development the current therapy that I am receiving helps me to develop better listening and empathy skills with my therapist. Also, I feel like I am treated like a real person instead of a “sick” patient. The relationship feels like it is more on a peer level in which my therpist is a life coach. This type of therapy is a HUGE improvement as far as I am concerned.
One of my therapists slept all the time. I felt just like what was in the article. He finally retired and I was referred to another Dr who is great!
Also, a Dr I went to for my ADHD son complained when we were 5 minutes late due to construction. He hardly counseled my son who had expressed not living anymore. All he did was give Adderal which my son wouldn’t take and signed him off as okay. My son took his life 7 months later.
Thank you for taking the time to encourage clients to demand a better standard of care when it comes to therapists. I have been practicing for 35 years and I am very concerned about how loose many therapist have become. Our clients often come to us in a very vulnerable state and are not able to be good consumers of health care. Let’s continue to raise our own standards of care.
Dr. Mikol Davis
I had a psychiatrist who took notes on his computer in session. He also asked me “what do you think we should do?” Since all he did was prescribe meds for me with no therapy I could have emailed my sessions in. I wasn’t the one in the relationship with an M.D. with the knowledge of the benefits and side effects of different medications and dosages so how was I to know what was best? I staunchly deffend my control over my body and treatment but I was paying for his “expertise” not just a signature on a prescription. What a racket he has going – he spend a whole 10 minutes with me and billed the insurance for a full session and charged me the full co-pay.
yikes! My last therapist had seven out of twelve of those habits, plus one not listed–she was obsessed with billing issues. Sometimes, she would take up 15 minutes of a session working out billing matters and insurance knots. She truly valued me as a client, I’m sure.
How about when you cancel someone’s sessions without a word? With my last (and so far only) therapist, I missed one appointment that I told her I would most likely miss (I told her that it was a bad idea to be scheduled then), I contacted her a few days later after working up the courage to email her…she NEVER contacted me again. At all. How unprofessional is *that*?
Depending on what credentials your therapist has, every patient/client has the right to file a complaint to the Board of Health Professions in your state.
At present, therapists can be
clinical social workers (with an MA or PhD);
professional counselors; (MA or PhD or EdD)or,
psychologists; (PsyD or PhD)
Psychiatrists (MD) are more in the business of “medication mgmt”, which as many of your noted in your responses, does not consist of therapy.
At the first session, a therapist MUST provide you with an informed consent document that includes a description of who they are, what they do, and how they do it. Moreover, you should all be told how you can make a grievance against a therapist if you believe your rights have been violated.
Please check out the individual Code of Ethics posted on the websites of the APA, ACA, and the NASW (American Psychological Association, American Counseling Association, and the National Association of Social Workers).
Then, to file a grievance for an ethical violation, please visit your state’s Board of Health Professions. In my state, Virginia, there is a link to submit a grievance right on the site.
Good luck.
“so, how does that make you feel?”
As a therapy client and a friend, the question “how does that make you feel” has driven me crazy. On such occasions it seemed to me it should be pefrectly obvious what i am feeling, so asking it seemed idiotic, as if the questioner was at a loss for a normal human response and just inserted a pat pop psychology question to seem interested. But while people might use it that way, this question is invaluable. Despite my initial anger, if i trusted the person enough i would try to answer and begin checking with myself, explaining how exactly i am feeling. “I feel like he does not love me” is not a feeling, it is thinking. “I feel angry”, yes, that is a feeling. Belive it or not, some people are unaware of their feelings–they might say they are sad, but as they keep talking they actually describe a feeling of anger. Sometimes, when you might assume they are angry they may just feel saddness, or nothing at all. So this irritating question is actually helpful to make sure you and the other person are on the same page. What might make you feel jealous may only feel sad or even indeifferent to another, and there would be nothing wrong with their response–it is their reality at the present moment. There is no correct anser to “how you are feeling?”.
More importantly, when you actually go beyond the feeling’s name –”anger”, “fear”, etc–and allow yourself to experience the quality of the emotion (imagine explaining it to a martian who knows nothing about feelings)–how it actually feels in the body, or what you imagine it’s color, texture, maybe even sound, might be for you at that moment, your experience becomes much more clear both to the listener and to yourself. Ofentimes, as i keep paying attention to it and trying to describe it, the “feeling” or problem suggests its own resolution, or important connections to my past, or it begins to change and unravel as i observe it –so, when i stick with it and can endure the pain of it, i can get a very healing perspective of the nature of my mind, emotions and reality in general. (Art Therapy uses such prolonged attention to feeling states in a more fun and non-invasive, non-verbal way, decribing your feelings in movement, sound or visual art. )
I have experienced such valuable break-throughs triggered by “how does that make you feel?” many times. They were invarriably accompanied by my huge initial irritation at the question.
If we expect the therapist to agree that something feels this way or that or expect him to imagine how we feel just because we think it is obvious, the possibility of healing is diminished. No one knows how you feel but you and sometimes even you don’t quite know until you look patiently inside.
I also have to say that it is perfectly OK and absolutely necessary to call bullshit by its proper name. As a client, it is difficult for me to stay with uncomfortable emotions, so, with hindisght, i have engaged in a lot of BS–distraction, not remembering my homework and not doing it at all, talking a lot about something that is a complete distraction from the problems i have committed to working on, entertaining my own therapist with witticisms and funny stories, etc, in order to pass the time (this was completely unintentional and probably even necessary sometimes–perhaps avoiding too much pain that i felt i could not handle at the moment) But, unintentional or not, it happened. Not all of us benefit or grow by completely supportive counselling that does not challenge us–a challenge can help heal us if we respond to it–accept it, reject it, whatever, but be aware and real about it, rather than pretending it did not happen, go home and stew. With a few exceptions in cases where clients are severely debilitated, every therapist, no matter how appropriate or not, no matter how suportive or challenging, even no matter how skillful or not, presents us with an opportunity to stand on our own two feet and take responsibility for our experiences and our life. That is the wonderful thing about a therapeutic relationship–we are there because we have made a pact to get to the truth– we want to be whole. Whole means if you are uncomfortable with confrontation, you actually practice confronting, if you are uncomfortable with responsibility you practice taking it, if you are in pain, you practice how to handle it.
So if someone is continuously falling asleep while i am talking, i would make a loud startling noise, stop therapy and deal with the issue. And also accept the possibility that i just might be boring the therapist to sleep because i keep talking about the same thing the same way over and over again, even after our 10th session–either they did not help me get out of my maze or, despite their help i am still in a trance. So a sudden loud noise, say, a Fart:), might help both of us snap out of it.
Interesting list. I’ve had a couple therapists and the note-taking never bothered me. It was actually beneficial to my particular condition.
However, I must be the exception to the rule, because I have no problem whatsoever calling my therapist on his ‘ticks’. I feel it’s my duty as a patient and in my treatment to facilitate the environment so it fasttracks my healing. Call me brash, but I’m not waiting around for things to change. I do my own research into medicine/psychology and I express my opinion the best way I understand, and this helps bring up important issues in therapy.
If your therapist is worth his salt, you won’t be ashamed to express yourself, and a therapist who makes you feel uncomfortable isn’t worth your time, because therapy is hard enough as is without being self-conscious of yourself. Give yourself a chance, find someone you feel good with.
For instance, I posed a solution to my therapists clock-watching tick, that he post a clock directly behind the patients chair at eye level. So one could see the clock without diverting eye attention. It’s a great tactic to manage time and not cause the patient any loss of face.
Soon into our sessions, I noticed he had a rather somber message on his answering machine. I felt obligated to tell him how utterly depressing it was. I think not only of myself but the other patients who feel terrible enough, people with severe depressive disorders.
By and by, perhaps by taking these small steps; I think it will confront the major issue of therapy work in and of itself. The neccessity of the patient to assert themselves and start taking positive actions to determine their adaptation to their situation. Will the patient apathetically sit by, or will they assert themselves and determine their own terms of redemption? The therapist shows you door, but we must walk through it.
As a therapist, I’m most annoyed by all the paperwork that takes me away from my clients. I believe it’s annoying to them also. But, in public mental health facilities paper work is added daily! I have to sit most days with a full clip board of “stuff”. One client needs this another needs that and it breaks up listening and the healing process. I wish clients would write to their health insurance companies, the mental health governence in their communities etc., and complain about excessive paperwork and what it does to their treatment. Some therapists get paid only for an hour session and not for all the paperwork. So they pass that on to the client by having a 45-50 minute session. I know I didn’t get into the field to push papers!
The thing that frustrates me the most is when I have been going to therapy for some time and the therapist can’t remember important things that I have talked about in previous sessions and I have to take time to bring them up to speed again. It makes me feel unimportant, that the things I have revealed aren’t that important to discuss.
I also hate therapists that are habitually late. It makes me feel really unimportant, that I dont really matter and that I am wasting their time.
My therapist constantly ate her lunch when I was there. I thought it was inappropriate at the time. She used to say, “I have no time for lunch, so I have to eat as I work”.
I didn’t know what to say, really. I didn’t want to ask her not to eat!
Wonder what I could have said?
Later on, I found out that the reason she “had no time for lunch” was because she did not have a paid lunch hour and didn’t want to take the break, so in other words, she would have missed the money.
Wow, has this thread taken off. While I am glad to see people weigh in about experiences, thus showing that therapy is being utilized, I am a bit disappointed to not read more people relate positive experiences with the process.
I will say this, for what it is worth: my field began it’s downfall when it foolishly, if not stupidly, accepted managed care forcing psychiatrists out of the therapy loop.
Studies have shown to this day that there is a certain sizeable population that would benefit from one provider engaging the patient in therapy and medication, where responsibly indicated. My colleagues are morons and turncoats for allowing this to happen. And that is the nice way to put it!
As another provider said above, the field is diminished when people who are not credibly trained put out the “shingle” and claim to be practicing psychotherapy, when what they are doing is anything but effective treatment. This is a craft as much as a profession, so for those who are looking for treatment, do not hesitate to ask about credentials, experience, and expectations by the provider in what to strive for in service. Anything less, be wary, if not look elsewhere.
And, if you have been in therapy and felt it was beneficial, do not hesitate too much to offer a referral if the source looking for a therapist is genuine in seeking help. The best referral is one of experience.
Just an opinion, from a psychiatrist who wishes to be able to practice therapy more often than able these days.
therapyfirst, board certified psychiatrist
i’m lucky my psych is great. He listens and trusts me.
I once had a therapist who would ask me to help her with her computer during session. She also had me bring in my dog for several sessions because she liked dogs. She would feed him apples. Needless to say, she did not last long!!
I have had a lot of bad psychologists and psychiatrists, I’m sorry to say. One of them ate pretzels and candy in front of me (she did offer some to me, but I still felt it was inappropriate), told me about her sex life (intimately!!!) and family life, and even confessed the receptionist had asked what was wrong with me, and she told her, figuring she could look in my records, anyway, if she wanted to know!!! That’s a violation of my privacy rights!
I’ve also had pdocs and psychs who yawned and seemed rushed.
I find too many don’t seem to actually listen. I’d like a doctor who shows some sympathy and emotion, not acting superior or smug. I can pour my miseries out, and all I get is a nod and a change or addition in prescription. How about, “I really hate that you’re going through this. I may not be able to do more than write you prescriptions, but I want you to know that I care, and I’ll do my best to help you achieve as normal a life as I can.” Knowing that I’m not just another experiment in medication and that my feelings and suffering matters would go a long way in making me feel like I’m being heard and have support.
Wait until your therapist asks you to join her as a friend on her Facebook and you see photos of her you wish that you never had. Needless to say I deleted myself as a friend.
I walked away from two therapists after my first session. I had come in tears and total distress to the first one and he had me sit in his waiting room and fill out a ream of paper with very personal questions before I even saw him–that did not feel good at all. In session he refused to answer my questions about his spiritual beliefs, which was important to me in order to figure out whether I can relate to him. So I never went back. The second was a lady dressed to the hilt with a load of large metal accessories like belts, earrings and bracelets–she clanked as she moved looking like a strange walking Christmas tree, bit it was only Easter, plus she had difficulty remembering what i had said just a few minutes before–i never went back there either.
Generally, however, i don’t agree with the premise of this article, that therapists’ bad habits: “interfere with the psychotherapy process and may harm the unique psychotherapy relationship.” If you’ve stayed for more than a session or two with the same therapist, I am assuming that your interviewing process went well and you have decided to give it a go and do your best. Effective therapy is not entirely about being listened to and holding your hand. You don’t have to like and approve of your therapist in order to benefit from their work, sometimes exactly the opposite can be beneficial. If your therapist is good, they will appreciate your comments on all of the above 12 and more annoying habits and use them in the process to 1. become more aware of how they come accross and self-cotrrect if need be (they need feedback too!) 2. help you explore your annoyance at them for possible clues and solutions to your own underlying personal issues–invaluable!! as well as 3. deepen the honesty and rapport in the therapeutic relationship, which is essential for therapeutic progress.
Aside from sexual advances that are absolutely inappropriare, anything that happens during therapy is fair game to talk about and is useful, because it helps the client to deal more authentically and effectively with their life. If you can resolve annoyances with your therapist, who you know will not get angry at you, walk away of make you feel stupid–they are there for you!–then you can resolve these issues anywhere in your life. Quite possibly you have come to therapy precisely for such issues, no matter what the surface problem might be.
The entire therapeutic relationship is a tool for growth and anything that happens in therapy–from someone being late to eating, watching the clock, feeling unimportant or not agreeing with someone’s dress code is all a rich opportunity for mutual growth and healing.
I feel that this well intentioned article has, among other things, given an opportunity for people to vent their pent up and unresolved frustrations. Venting and sharing horror stories is good, but in the end what you make of your therapy is what You make of your therapy.
Misha, I totally agree with both points. “How does that make you feel?” is both annoying and helpful. I think, for me, it’s annoying BECAUSE it’s so hard to actually identify my feelings. Thanks for the post.
My therapist could never understand why I got so upset when he ran over with the preceding patient. He would say “I’ll make it up at the end.” It was never about the minutes. I thought he cared more about the other patient than me. He would argue it point by point. That he spent time on the phone with me. That he sometimes took more time with me. As though we should just do a minute by minute exchange. It still hurts as I type this.
I have a psyc that is beyond comparison. Have had various ones since I was 12 yrs. old, thanks to ol mom. He does not of the above things–remembers what we talked about in the last session. He does share, sometimes, what has happened in his personal life. It has helped me to remember that he is a human being, also. Wish every one could have some one like him. Thanks, Doc.
I had a great male therapist that I considered a friend first, and a therapist second. At one point he started eating his lunch during our sessions, and I thought it kind of strange. Then I realized that I’d revealed that I had stopped eating and I saw his behavior as an encouragement for me to eat food. So I started bringing food to the session and called it my “food therapy”. I still miss him.
With another very attractive female therapist I would often find myself catching glances of her body, And when she abruptly discontinued our therapy, I assumed it had to do with the sexual tension. Although it may have been due to an uncomfortable disclosure I made about one of my sexual tendencies.
But we never discussed that issue or my own difficulties with expressing sexuality. I think she was uncomfortable with these issues herself. So she couldn’t have been of help to anyone with these issues.
Something I particularly hate about therapists who claim to follow Lacan is that, all of a sudden, they decide you have said something really crucial (sort of a Freudian slip) and they tell you it is time to finish the session, no matter if you have just spent only 10 minutes or less talking. They may claim this is part of the therapy, but I only get the feeling they are taking advantage of the patient=client. I’m not going to buy that, sorry! To me, the session time should be agreed in advance and they will never convince me of the ethics behind that action. If they only spent 10 minutes with you (or even less) I sometimes feel as telling them. “0.K., then, today I’ll pay you 10 euros instead of 40, since you have only spent a quarter of the time with me!” Just imagine a tutorial lesson that finished in advance just because the teacher claimed his pupil already knew the lesson.To me it is very similar, maybe because I am a devoted teacher!!!
Sorry, for talking about euros but I’m writing about my own experience in Spain. I think it’s a real rip off! Anyhow, with our important crisis, I have no more money for therapists, after having spent more than 30 years trying all the different approaches. I just wanted to find out if this is common practice in the U.S., where I spent 2 years more than 20 years ago. Lovely country, indeed.I sometimes drem with going back. Thank you for listening.
I agree with the clockwatching…one therapist did that to me and it became clear that she was more concerned with the dollar per minute amount than with the therapy going on so i never went back to her again.
I’ve had many, different therapists,
throughout my life, over the span of
22 years. I’ve come to learn that I trust women professionals much more than men, as I’ve been hurt and abused by men in powerful, professional positions. My most recent therapist is #12 – Obsessive note-taking! She writes down everything! If I tell her I coughed 40 times the previous evening she’ll
write it down! I’ve also had a pdoc
from India that did not believe in deodorant and to sit in there with him for almost an hour was hell on wheels! A therapist I had (but she recently passed away from lung cancer 3 years ago), used to tell me
way too much about her own life and lifestyle. We eventually stopped talking about my problems and issues
and suddenly started talking about politics and world peace! lol. She was a nice woman, but after 7 years of therapy, I had enough and had to see someone else, that I could start
fresh with.
I had a therapist who passed gas. geesh. Two visits was all i could handle.
Another (new, youngish, master’s level, probably little or no real life experience — but I was in my 20s myself so what did I know?) — whom I barely had begun to even speak with 10 minutes into the first session who loudly and vociferously proclaimed that because I had been spanked as a child that was definitely ABUSIVE — it was CHILD ABUSE! I couldn’t hear a word she said after that.
Maybe it was abusive, but at the time I wasn’t ready to hear it expressed and proclaimed that way from the top down/outside in versus my coming to an understanding and my own inside out discovery process based on research, knowledge, facts, information as well as self-knowledge and my own journey.
and i had a friend — a victim of sexual and physical abuse with deep father abandonment issues — whose married male therapist in Boston proceeded to HAVE SEX WITH HER!!!! and then soon abandoned her, of course.
also, after knowing so many (all?) the friends and colleagues with crazy screwed up nutso or wacko issues and behaviors in undergrad and grad school who got either phd or master’s level counseling/therapy licenses, i learned that it’s really really difficult to find a good therapist who actually knows what they are doing who don’t have their own subconscious agenda that they work out through their clients.
it’s possible, but very difficult. there’s a lot in this article and especially in the comments to make you think it’s almost impossible to find a good therapist.
I’m much more inclined to advise others to find someone (based on the recommendation of numerous others) who is quite mature and highly experienced, who is more likely to have a clinical degree/Ph.D (but not always) who will first share what their approach is, whether they specialize in the areas you’re working on — and someone who is recommended by others who actually experienced success and made positive changes not just indulged in therapeutic self-indulgence.
and you have to trust your own level of comfort, challenge, awareness …
but that’s just me.
Good post and very shocking and interesting reading the comments.
I’ve just updated our blog in response to this post on WHY, aside from bad training, therapists can become ineffective.
Some of this stuff is simply inexcusable though, who trains these people?!!
What I hate is when they give you the “therapist look” and you feel like they can see right through you! My therapist, at one point said “So how’s Grade Nine going for you?” I’m 12 and in Grade Six. Obviously she’s not too observant.
I have an addiction and had joined a group specifically to work on this issue. Several sessions in, one of the group members, a married man, came over to my house with substances and proceeded to get wasted and attempt to sleep with me. He was a wreck and it all ended up with me having to drive his wrecked self to his house about 45 minutes away very late. I reported this transgression to the therapist. It ended up that I got kicked out of the group until, as the therapist said, I got better boundaries. The guy was retained in the group. Notice, I did not use the substances, I did not go to somebody’s house uninvited and attempt to seduce them on false pretexts, and I was working in the quite expensive group twice/week in order to get better boundaries. I really felt bad about the whole thing.
I have had many annoying therapists. One conducted sessions at her home, and repeatedly left the session to deal with the tantrums of her 3-year old. Later we met for lunch at a restaurant after her OB appointments, and the sessions were puncuated with ordering food and interactions with the waitstaff as well as eating. When I quit, she said I should keep her to write perscriptions! Another therapist had narcolepsy. One constantly bragged about his perfect relationship, which later deteriorated and I listened to his horrible wife and new boyfriend stories. He also wanted me to falsify the reasons for the visits so he could bill my medical insurance rather than workman’s comp. The one who takes the cake advised me to become a fugitive from justice when I got arrested for drugs that belonged to my then boyfriend – presumably because the only drug deal I ever committed was helping him get cocaine for his wife who “loved it.” That one also insisted that I falsify claim info to Medicaid so he could bill for the maximum number of sessions for my family of four (when he saw only me). He said I had to do so or I would have to pay for the other sessions…as a mother of three on welfare at the time, I did not have the means, so I went along with his scheme. He also said my drug dealing boyfriend’s drug dealing and fantasies about having sex with my children were okay. I should have fled from the boyfriend and the therapist…and later I did. I testified against him at the Hawaii Psychological Association at the urging of a subsequent therapist, and he somehow escaped discipline – later he was in the headlines for Medicaid fraud and somehow he beat the charges! His wife (the cocaine-o-phile) called to ask how I could do such a thing to her wonderful husband who only helped people. My most recent experience with a therapist was wonderful, lasting your years. I can happily report that she did not sleep or yawn, talk about herself, try to bilk the insurance company, brag about how wonderful her life was, judge me for my disclosures, and she was never late.
I am the client who posted about her therapist inviting me to be her friend on facebook. Perhaps I should qualify that further. I was in despair and she was in rescue mode. It was a professional facebook and not her personal one. I deleted her as a friend because of transference issues. I am a long-term client and she was desperate to help me. Over 13 years of depression we have both transformed my life into a better one. She has made many therapeutic errors and apologised for most of them. She admits she has counter-transference issues as well. I still see her and believe she has an important role in my life. She is a very experienced and well-respected clinical psychologist.
Ok, in this case – I’m talking about a psychiatrist. While I have no problems with her, in fact – this is the first psychiatrist I’ve *ever* felt comfortable with in a very long line of psychiatrists, I like her. I DO however have a major problem with her *extremely* unprofessional secretary/receptionist. Let’s call her Debbie.
A little background history on myself is that as a child, I was diagnosed with OCD and Major Depression. Years passed and the list grew to include GAD, Panic w/agoraphobia and social anxiety disorders. I feel this is important to spell out as these these last three disorder directly effect how I interact with others.
In befriending a few other patients who see this same psychiatrist – it has been discovered between us that “Debbie” has been caught in numerous lies (the biggest one being that our Dr. would be out of the country for a couple of months) – has, on many occasions rescheduled appointments due to overbooking, has (which to the best of my knowledge is illegal) taken the liberty to refill prescriptions with local pharmacies over the phone – and worst of all, she is unpredictable. One day, she’ll be the sweetest person you’ve ever met – the very next she’ll be someone whose lights you want to knock out. Definitely Jeckyll and Hyde syndrome.
My problem is that I’m disabled, On Medicare, a medicare advantage plan and medicaid. I’m afraid that if I complain – all three plans will drop me faster than you can blink. Has anyone else had this issue? If so, how did you deal with it without losing your coverage?
Taking “Debbie’s” attitude into consideration – namely the Jeckyll & Hyde Syndrome, I, along with the others feel that she should DEFINITELY NOT be working with the public – much less psychiatric patients. NONE of us want to complain to our state’s psychiatric board out of fear that this will land our Dr. into a world of trouble – yet, something has to be done. Any suggestions?
I very briefly, (i.e. twice), saw a psychiatrist who seemed angry that he had chosen psychiatry as a profession. I was sorry that he hadn’t chosen a discipline with greater rewards and a more tangible outcome, like orthopedics, but he should have gotten over it.
as a therapist I would suggest if your therapist is licensed and indulging repeatedly in these behaviors, report them! your state board of behavioral sciences should know. or check state offices.
therapists have to be accountable for their actions, that is the only way this profession will grow and remain true to the clients we serve.
“Counter transference” issues?
How about professional boundaries!
Look some of the things that these guys are doing are simply criminal or criminally negligent.
It seems like there is no one place to report on inappropriate behavior either. This must clearly change.
As far as medication is concerned you are putting your life in some one else’s hands and every one should get second and third opinions.
I once went to a family therapist and what she did to my family was astounding; she began yelling at me anout soem of my creative budgeting when we were very poverty stricken. I left with my family and she yelled after us..”are you coming back?!” “Are you coming back?!”
Of course we did not go back there. Another time we had a family therapist who refused to se my children because she said that they were disrespectful, this was through Catholic Charities. We sure could have used some help, whether or not the children were disrespectful. Perhaps it would have helped us behave better.I will never forgive her or that previously mentioned therapist, for the damage that they inflicted on my family.
Re the lateness issue: My psychiatrist has an almost constant lateness issue that I’ve learned to put up with; I bring paperwork or a book with me to wait, or just show up 5 minutes late. He’s never called looking for me – he just opens his door as I’m walking in. That being said, he once told me that he would charge for lateness. I turned around and remarked that I should charge him for being late! He was NOT impressed.
… and that’s just the beginning of it.
The truth is though, that the little things like that have to be overlooked because he has been absolutely incredible and helpful over the last decade +.
I practice Chinese Medicine and have to endure the stigma of being a possible “quack” despite having an advanced degree in a profession that’s been practicing medicine since European “kings” slept in the same room as their animals. Posts like this, though, remind me that all the professions are riddled with unprofessionals. It is sad that the culture is such that I struggle to keep a regular patient base while people who EAT during an appointment with someone are allowed to practice.
In my 20’s (1984) I went to see a psychiatrist for bulimia and he asked me if I was breast or bottle fed. He had white spittle on the side of his mouth. I never went back because I thought he was coming on to me.
I saw a psychiatrist once (and only once) who revealed personal details about his other patients far too readily. He didn’t use names, so it perhaps wasn’t a technical breach of ethics, but did get as specific as telling me other patients’ gender, age, issue, and when they came in to see him. I learned at least the first three of these about three separate patients in a single hour’s visit. Now, I understand that talking about other patients’ experiences can make a new patient feel more comfortable. There is a difference, however, between speaking in generalities (“some of my older patients don’t do well on this drug, but that shouldn’t be a concern for you”) and specifics (“a young woman came to see me yesterday morning who simply did not want to continue living”).
Furthermore, we got side-tracked for about 10 or 15 minutes talking about completely unrelated personal things. He asked me where I lived, so that he could explain what his policy was regarding running into patients outside of the office, and, upon learning that I lived less than a mile from him and had gone to the same high school his children attend, proceeded to initiate a long game of “do you know the [name] family?” (The amount of personal information he revealed about other patients is perhaps more impressive, given that this exercise took up a quarter of the time.)
Finally, there was only a set of flimsy French doors that separated the two therapy rooms at this particular practice, which meant that I could hear enough of what was happening next door (while actively trying to ignore it) to know that whomever was getting therapy was having problems in the sexual department. On the way out, since I was there partially out of concern that I might have ADD, I got to spend 15 minutes discussing schedules with the psychiatrist and the receptionist to figure out when I might be able to get in to see the psychologist for testing. This discussion occurred, loudly, in the very non-empty waiting room. I did not keep the appointment we were finally able to agree upon.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention – my mother is a schizophrenic who struggled with the disease, and some misdiagnoses, for a LONG time before finally getting the proper diagnosis and the medication that allows her to function normally. The diagnosis did not happen until I was almost 20, so clearly, dealing with my rapidly deteriorating mother was a big part of growing up for me, and something that I would certainly mention on a first visit to a psychiatrist. Based on nothing more than my quick 10-minute recap of my mother’s disease and its effect on me, this guy had the gall to claim that her diagnosis was wrong and that she was probably bipolar after all (bipolar having been one of the previous misdiagnoses). How he could think it appropriate to make a diagnosis of someone he has never met, whose medical history he’s never read, based on 10 minutes of anecdotal evidence was unbelievable. Especially in such a tricky field.
My first experience with a therapist was back in 1982.
During my first session, she ate the rest of her lunch, and sniffled through the entire hour without benefit of a kleenex.
The day of my second session, she called to reschedule an hour before the appointed time.
During my actual second session, when the conveniently-located-at-her-side phone rang, she not only answered each call, she’d talk ten minutes a pop. (I had nothing better to do, so I timed them) When the hour was up, she asked, “Would you like to schedule next week’s appointment?” I answered, “No. Just charge me for a half session today since you were on the phone the other half.”
I never made a third appointment.
i had this Therapist that was never on time. If appointment was 8:15 AM she would not come out an get until 9:00. I told her one day why make the appointment 8:15 if you’re going to wait till 9, she said to me she alway has to do paper work
Let me say first that I have found a wonderful, empowering therapist who has created a nurturing space in which I can heal my wounds and clear my life’s trauma’s.
Formerly, I had a therapist that is currently facing disciplinary action from the State Licensing Board for not only some of the “bad habits” dislayed above, but also for improper billing (insurance fraud), improper termination of the therapeutic relationship, excessive self disclosure, and other non-sexual boundary violations.
He was always late for sessions that were at his home office. I would show up on time, sit waitng for him for 10 to 15 minutes, or sometimes he’d be in the office when I got there and would leave to attend to his personal needs for 10 to 15 minutes. When the session went over the “official ending time” by 10 minutes he would let me know how giving he was by allowing a longer session! Reality was he had only given the standard 45-50 minute session. Of course after a short time he would be checking his watch seemingly every few minutes. Yes, a clock behind the client and one the client can see are immensely helpful (my current therapist’s model) in eliminating the clock watch issue that I found very disturbing and distracting…I felt unimportant, and that I was taking up too much of his space(time).
During many sessions he did most of the talking…informing me just how important his “mission to enlighten” the world was.I learned a lot about him and why he thought he was here to “wake up the world”. I learned about his abusive childhood, about how he manages his family, about scratches and dents in his cars,what movies he recently saw and tv shows he watched as a kid, and all sorts of other things… I am not kidding! Many times I felt like I was his therapist.
He at one point said that there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t share about his life with me (this had become obvious!) and that was his finances. Hmmm. At the time he said this, and unbeknownst (sp?)to me, he was ripping off me and my insurance company saying he was seeing me twice a week, when at most it was once a week and more frequently, three times a month.
After confronting him regarding the “billing problem” we initially made a “deal” that he wouldn’t bill my insurance company until he gave back all the sessions he “stole”. He broke this agreement (and betrayed my trust …again) by continuing to bill. When again confronted he claimed he had made some bad investments and that his “wonderful” family wasn’t so stable…that his son was “suicidal”. Essentially he was manipulating me with a “sad” story, tears and all, so I wouldn’t turn him in. He said he was “sorry” but there was no remorse, I do beleive he was sorry he got caught. Upon my further questioning and investigation it turns out he was also double billing my ex-husband. There are many more details but in short, I eventually reported him to the insurance company and Licensing Board. That decision took months and was one of the more difficult I’ve had to make due to the intimate nature of the “therapeutic” relationship. I was badly hurt and wounded.
This therapist had treated me just like many others have in my past!
This realization though has become my key to healing and redesigning my life… of overcoming powerlessness and victimization, and be-coming powerful and creatively expressive.
I thank my current therapist for providing the space and safe environment for allowing the healing to occur!
I have a colleague who takes notes during sessions. It is her way of saving time. If she takes notes during sessions she doesn’t have to do it between appts. It is important to aks your thx why s/he is taking notes. If it is a memory issue just a few jots will do it.
Part of good treatment is attuning to the client’s needs. If your therapist has not noticed that you find the note taking distracting you are seeing someone without sufficient empathy .
I saw a psychologist at my university’s counseling center when I was around 20 years old. I showed up for one session on time but was told by the receptionist that the doc would be late b/c she had taken a job candidate out to lunch. The doc ended up missing all but five minutes of the session. She took me to her office only to confirm that I would be in the following week – no apology, no attempt to reschedule for that week, no recognition that she had wounded me. I encountered her outside of therapy a few times, and when I said hello, she stared at me blankly until I slunk off. She also never explained the policies of the college counseling center, i.e., max number of sessions, and I was too anxious to ask, so I worried the entire time that she would suddenly cut me off. When I finally decided that I felt better, I asked her about termination. She didn’t want to talk about it, just said that I could leave the session then (about 5 minutes in) or could stay the whole time. I elected to stay, probably to her chagrin. Several weeks later a crisis developed in my life and I called her for support. She flatly refused to see me and hung up. Her behavior was completely despicable and unprofessional, for the reasons I mentioned as well as many others. I wish I had known then that I could have contacted her supervisor to complain and/or the licensing body in our state. My hope is that she was a fairly new therapist at the time that I saw her, and that the many years (20) that have passed since then have given her an opportunity to grow and learn.
I do healing work with people,which sometimes involves therapy. I am grateful for these comments made by clients and therapists about what needs to be change.
I think the criticisms are very real and true. There are many therapists who have an intellectual and cold,detached approach who are unsuited for the work and simply enjoy telling others what to do. There are others who really need therapy themselves and are living vicariously through their clients, spilling over onto them, and overempathizing, with poor boundaries. There are many who actually really care about others and do the work because of that.
Generally I think training for therapists is very poor. And as time goes on most training is oriented towards how to interface with insurance and the medical establishment (using drugs). I think there is a great future in the self-help movement,12 step programs, and people helping others because they have a natural gift. Also internet and other peer support groups can fill in the gaps. There are groups that can be started using art,writing,dream work,dance, and theatre in healing ways- with out having a therapist “in charge” and asking for money.
Clients need to get empowered.
From what I see therapy seems to be a dying and an unsuccessful profession, too oriented towards money and trying to get people to fit into they system. I think clients can make alternative approaches to this conservatism. That is what I did and do- as a former “client” and a person who helps others.
I am curious as why you did not my comment from this morning…it was about 1000am or so. Was the scenario too real or too much for the intention of your article? If you ever do an article on the subject “when therapy goes very wrong, or becomes completely dangerous and harmful’ you are free to use it there.
A therapist doing several of the items on your list at once is on the “sloippery slope” to doing damage to a client and is surely at least being disrespectful to the client and performing a dis-service to the profession
@Maggie – Posts flagged by the software for whatever reason need to be manually approved, which can take up to 12 hours (especially on the weekends, sorry). It’s there now.
When meeting with my therapist, I would sometimes take my two little dogs with me, since they were my “family”. My therapist approved, and loved dogs and was not allergic to them!
While discussing the emotional pressure of the holidays, one therapist, whom I promptly dropped, discussed the suicide of a friend and wondered that her therapist didn’t see the signs. Forget HE didn’t see her suicidal signs either, that I was seeing him for depression.
Here’s a thought:
Maybe mental health clinicians have fallen into the trap of ‘hear the lie enough and it becomes the truth’ regarding the overdependence of this stupid paradigm of “biochemical imbalance model” that demands medication for all.
Perhaps it is time for ALL therapists to step back and decide why you went into this profession and do it the way you were responsibly and correctly trained in the first place. Treat people in the ethical, moral, and clinically correct way, or get out of the field. And patients need to remember that problems most often did not happen overnight, so stop looking for quick fixes, be it pills or some simplistic mantra, and go into therapy accepting the committment of time, money, and energy to improve yourself and move forward positively.
I am so sick and tired of hearing person after person asking for “the right medication”. Comfort and contentment isn’t packaged in a capsule, folks. You may pleasantly surprise yourself with some honest, direct discussions in an unbiased, objective environment of correct psychotherapy. It works, if you give it a chance.
Wow, therapyfirst, with that rigid, dogmatic, self-righteous manner, you must be – MY MOTHER!
I had a psychiatrist that kept all his pts. waiting 2 to 3 hrs. His pts. filled the waiting room. After 6 years of seeing him for med. checks of 10 to 15 minutes; he suddenly sent a letter to all his patients that he was dropping all his outpatients and keeping his job at the mental hospital. No dr. in his office would take any of us and there is a shortage of psychiatrists in Richmond, Va. where I live. I gained 70 pounds on his meds. and he never cared. I doubt he noticed. I think psychiatry is often a joke today. I had one that could not understand my English and I could not understand his Spanish accented English. What a joke! Medicare pays for stupidity.
John- Thank you for manually approving the post! Software glitches…the bane of existence we share with computers!
Have you ever noticed how the word
THERAPIST is spelled?
THE/RAPIST………
The worst offense to me is how a new therapist or psychiatrist treats the diagnosis made by the previous one. I accept that the search for the correct diagnosis is a long one, and I am happy to find a professional who thinks they’ve identified something that they can help with. Since I first went into therapy at 16, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, depression, anorexia, “carbohydrate addiction” (?), bipolar I, bipolar II, and now borderline personality disorder, in addition to being told by one doctor that there was nothing wrong with me (she refused to prescribe the same medications that had stabilized me for several years). That has certainly been frustrating and confusing enough, but again, fine if they think they have a better treatment in mind for whatever I’m going through.
What I find so irritating is that when a new doctor is evaluating me for the first time, almost inevitably they show little respect for the diagnosis of the last, and reassign the problem in about 10 minutes. It’s true that this is somewhat of a relief when you yourself suspected your previous doctor was a wacko. But it is disconcerting when you did have a good relationship and trusted their judgment. It is quite terrifying to sit down with a doctor who says, after 5 minutes, “I am completely abandoning the drug treatment plan you have spent over a year calibrating because your previous doctor had it completely wrong.” And in a way, it’s hard not to take that a little personally, because of course you too were “duped” into believing in the treatment and diagnosis, etc.
In one sense, I greatly appreciate that, especially since I am usually coming to them for a change. But when you’ve heard your previous doctor called an idiot so many times, it’s difficult not to think of your current doctor as a “future idiotic doctor of the past.” Just wish they could be honest but have enough of a bedside manner to give credibility to their colleagues and in turn the entire profession.
I would have to travel over an hour to see my therapist. On more than one occasion she canceled on me once I had reached her office. That pissed me off to no end.
I’d like to add that she took on WAY too many patients too. That is why I left her office. I felt like a number in line to her. She has so many patients she hasn’t noticed that I haven’t been back in two + years.
Talking too much was a huge issue for me. Maybe it was part of my therapy to get strong enough to tell my psychiatrist to shut up and let silence happen.
I find all the posts interesting. Most of my therapists have been very good, as have my psychiatrists been excellent too. Part of the reason for my success with my providers – I actually *interview* them before I start any treatment/clinical relationship. I want to see the resume and credentials. I want to see them in action and the interview gives me that opportunity. They are “working for me” so why wouldn’t I treat the initial contact with them similar to a job interview? Even though it involves my “feelings/emotions”, I use my commonsense since it is also a business matter.
I can add a few:
My therapist totally forgot about my appt a few weeks ago.
She’s always late…when she shows up.
She forgets to call when she says she will. And I sit around waiting for her.
She also forgets to call in prescriptions or calls them in wrong.
And she can also go on tangents about her own life when i mention something ….. i think she’s a waste of time and money….i’ve just been seeing her too long to try someone else!
In my 20s I went to a free counselor (phD candidate) at my university counseling center because issues with my school and career choices had left me depressed.
He immediately gave me the MMPI, a long psychological test usually given to people with serious psych problems, without explaining why, and we never discussed the results. (Perhaps it helped his research? It sure didn’t help me). He told me that therapists were like “little Gods.” He also told me what a good therapist he was.
As our sessions progressed he would jump to conclusions that felt judgmental and even accusatory. When I told him that stress sometimes caused me to throw up and that this had been happening frequently, he said I had an “eating disorder.” When I told him I had once gone to a dance put on by an LGBT group, he said I was gay. When I said that in my last relationship, the guy and I would have sex instead of really communicating, he told me to watch my “sexual appetite” and that I was “promiscuous” (I was not) because perhaps I had been “sexually abused as a child.” (Wronggg. Um, who was the one preoccupied with sex?)
Finally, one day, he asked me to guess his age. He was quite a bit older than me, and I guessed too old. Then he asked if I were attracted to him. When I said I was not, he asked WHY (to be nice, I said I didn’t like facial hair, but it was a lot more than that!).
The next session, he told me I no longer needed therapy. I said I wasn’t ready to stop. He scheduled me for another appointment, but when I went, he didn’t show up. I left the office in tears, with the receptionist trying to comfort me. Never heard from him.
You get what you pay for.
I really like my therapist. She is sometimes 5 minutes late (due to another client’s session running late or misc reasons) but if I really need that extra 5 minutes during my session, she’ll be sure to give it to me.
I laughed about the yawing thing. I’ve had appts. with my therapist at various time slots. I notice she tends to yawn quite a bit during the appts. around the lunch hour. I figured this is just common. I get 8 hrs sleep but still yawn like crazy after lunch. It doesn’t bug me, but if it starts to, I know to avoid her appts. after lunch!
My t has done of those things, HOWEVER, he has sexualized our relationship (no sex); hundreds of sexual innuendoes, not to mention TOUCHING me, throwing me on the couch more than once….pulling my wrists towards him (I landed on his chest), etc., etc…..I’ve done a ton of research on transference/countertransference.
I think those are silly words, unless they are the Fruedian terminology (your t, or anybody else reminds you of someone else and you react to them the way you would have reacted to the person the t reminds you of…..Clear?! LOL
transference/countertransference is present in ALL relationships.
Anyway….some of the things my t has said: WE find it hard to end the session, and WE find it hard to say goodbye. You are in my heart and in my head. If I were not married, I would probably go for it.” 100’s of more leading me on statements like that.
I went to him ( because he is also a pastor ), and my church was going to vote me out of membership (they did) if I didn’t agree to reconcile with the abuser of a 31 year “marriage”—we developed a personal relationship.
I’m waiting for the 10 most annoying/bad habits of patients post. I’m sure a few of these commenters will qualify..
Several comments on the many blogsI have read:
1st- As a person working in the therapy world I find it amazing the expectations some of you have for a therapist. A big part of therapy is talking. We all agree on that. But there are “cues” that are used to help the client think about their situation. “What do YOU think about that?” or “How do YOU feel about” or “What are you FEELING right now?” Is not for the therapist. It is for the client to hear themselves answer the question. It is for you the client to realize just how you feel at the time. A time to reflect with your therapist your inner thoughts that you may have only thought and not talked to someone about it.
If you have read any of the newspapers, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), magazines you would see how there aren’t enough Psychiatrists, Psychologists or Therapists to go around for every one. If you need futher care there often isn’t places for you to go to. For every client we have we have another 30-60 minutes of paperwork and phone calls we need to do to process your claim. Often we don’t have or can afford a person on the staff to deal with the issues. We deal with all sorts of crisis all day long. We have times we need to prioritize our services. Yes, there are times we shouldn’t eat infront of you but we do. Please remember we are human too and need to take care of our selves. There is definately a specific professional boundary that needs to be preserved and respected to our clients. I am sadden to read how many therapists don’t honor the professional boundaries.
I can not emphasize you as a client need to claim some responsibility to your therapy. You are in control of your therapy. We as therapists can only do so much for you. As a team the client, physician and therapist we all need to make it clear the client is the center of the relationship. In otherwords the person that should be working the hardest is the client. Listening, working outside of therapy on your goals and homework. Therapy sessions are a time to look at what and what does not work for you as a client. As a team we work on options that YOU work on to practice if it is right for you. If you don’t commit yourself to work on change and educate yourself therapy won’t work. If you choose to not educate yourself on your diagnosis and read about your signs and symptoms to help you understand your situation you are hurting yourself. Therapists are NOT miracle workers. We are a part of a journey of HELPING you develop coping skills to make your life satisfying. We can help you get there IF you are willing. Ask yourself why you are in counseling and what you want out of it. Every couple of months ask yourself if you are making progress. Advocate for yourself. Take notes during your sessions and journal on them after the session. Read your journal before you go to your appointment. Remind yourself of why you are there and what your needs are. Instead of walking into the therapists office and complaining about your past week, talk about what type of help you feel you need due to last week’s challenges. Ask what you could do differently. Work on your issues. Commit yourself to taking time to work to create a life you want. Ask for guidance and if your therapist is unable to meet you and guide you to your goals, it is time to decide if this is the type of therapist you need. Therapy is not meant to be fun. It is a working relationship. Working towards the goal for a happier life. It is hard work. But having a therapist you trust you can build a foundation for your life one brick at a time. We all have challenges in our lives. Commit yourself to change. Advocate for yourself. Move forward in your life. Look ahead for inner peace.
Therapists are not just human like the rest of us but in my experience are some of the sickest puppies I’ve run into. Buyer Beware! Therapy can be dangerous to your mental health.
Re Crystalee’s above comments:
I agree with most of your points, and in the end, if we didn’t have this medium (internet), then I truly believe patients would be more amenable to the boundaries and expectations of psychotherapy. But, alas, since so many have opinions and now trumpet them at sites like this, and in my opinion, a lot are characterologically affected, we read more so of the bad than the good. So, for the innocent and green in experience, therapy when provided by responsible, trained, and grounded providers, has a positive impact until proven otherwise.
Also, this pathetic drive for fixing biochemical imbalances by recklessly pursuing meds has cheapened and demeaned the process.
Just watch the responses to this comment if you think I am wrong.
therapyfirst, cert psych MD
@therapyfirst…. The problem with any treatment (in mental health especially, whether it be therapy or meds) is that no one can tell you what’s going to definitely work for any given individual with any given disorder.
So I encourage people to try out different things and don’t let themselves be herded down any one particular path, just because one particular professional may have recommended it. If you’re on meds, try adding therapy to the mix.
But likewise, many people benefit from medications, so if you’re not seeing any progress after months of therapy, medications might also be an appropriate option to consider.
But unlike medications, psychotherapy is virtually always dependent upon the skills and experience of the therapist professional. And because of the nature of the type of problems people seek therapists out for, it is probably the only experience that can all too readily cut both ways — either help a person out a great deal, or set them up for additional hurt or of not being heard.
If a plumber comes to your home and screws up the faucet, you call her back and she fixes it. If a therapist screws up in therapy, not only will she often not fix it, she (and the client) may not even realize that she screwed up, or the extent of the screwup.
Dear Therapyfirst, I did a google search on you and you are a serial opinionist throughout the internet, spreading your own particular brand of sunshine over Therapy World. On your opinion on the rights of the mentally ill to medication; it reminds me of the Pope visiting Africa and telling these illiterate, starving mobs of poor people that condoms are evil and help spread AIDS.
Dr Grohol:
I have never said people should not be on medication, but as a practicing psychiatrist involved in different elements of mental health, I can say with strong validity that over 80% of patients come into mental health services demanding, not asking mind you, meds, and basically blow off any and all recommendations for therapy. And if that is the basic expectation of patients in this era, I am going to go on sites like this and others and give a different opinion to hopefully encourage those who do not know all the details to mental health what they should realistically expect, therapy AND meds where warranted. My alias say first, not only, so pay attention to this please.
And to what appears to be my most recent nemesis in this medium, Stranger than Fiction, take your shots and demean me as best you can, I just hope the educated and aware readers will see through those who are just commenting away to diminish the value of mental health care, probably because it failed you, and for that if I am correct, I am sorry it did. This specific post has had a long thread because it raises a good point: therapists are not gods or controlling beings, but trained people who are trying to help others help themselves, and unfortunately some who allegedly get credentialed to practice therapy probably shouldn’t. I like the post, have shared it with colleagues, and hope others will come here and read the post and the threads and take home what they need.
What they don’t need are a bunch of nasty, vindictive people who can’t negotiate issues that should be negotiated. I just hope the blog author does a better job of moderation than what I have experienced at other sites this past year. And, in the end, that is what is wrong with the medium of the internet, people just foam away and no one really wants to set limits, because, ALLEGEDLY, that is not right for the internet. I think that is why it fails as much as it helps.
Just my opinion, as I have finished my comments with often at other sites I have commented on. Thank you for the opportunity to express it!
Dear Therapyfirst,
I am most qualified to comment on therapy and medication. I no longer take medication because it didn’t work for me. But I believe it works for a great many others. I have had 13 years of therapy which has worked. So I am on your side. Ironically enough my therapist emailed me this link.
However, you are pushing your opinion down my throat and I am choking. Which reminds me of the way my mother used to negotiate life with me.
Honey attracts more flies than vinegar.
7 good habits of effective therapists
1. The therapist does their own psych work, attends therapy, and gets consultation! Very important!
2. The therapist is consistently on time for appointments
Client’s do understand that “life happens” and occasional misses are acceptable. My boss expects me awake and in work on time except for emergencies, I expect you to be awake and on time, except for emergencies since I am paying you!
3. The therapist eats on his own time not on the client’s time…it’s just rude to do so.
4. If you the therapist take insurance please don’t complain about the paperwork involved or act as if you are doing clients a favor by filing it
…many clients come to you because you are in their provider directory and do not know where else to look, not because they heard you were an exceptional therapist.
5.The therapist maintains integrity when it comes to billing. (Many people can now check their insurance statements online. Make sure you are billed accurately and report inconsistencies to your insurance company)
6. The therapist keeps the office reasonably clean and uncluttered.
Please, we are there to clear our heads not to stare at dusty piles of psych journals and books you haven’t read. If you have a home office your son’s pot plants and bong really shouldn’t be within viewing range of the client… not impressive! (yes, I did witness this!)
7. Therapist can take responsibility and is accountable for his/her own behavior
… many therapists go with the line of thinking that “it’s always about the client”, and their behavior is beyond reproach… ie…a therapist that treats a client in a disrespectful manner is likely to trigger issues of certain client’s background, but the therapist is also responsible for treating a client with respect.
For a couple of years I saw a therapist and we worked hard to eliminate fears and build confidence. I had been through a lot and he was good at getting me to work on my issues over time. I did very well through these sessions.
Then, one day, out of the blue, after seeing him for several years, he left a message on my answering machine saying he was terminating me immediately.
Why? He went on to say that he had told me he would NOT deal with insurance. I had just turned 65 and was on Medicare and Medicare had contacted him asking about his credentials. He would bill me and I would send his bills to first my insurer only and then when I went on Medicare to Medicare who would pass it along to my secondary insurer. Medicare and the secondary insurer paid the therapist and I paid the balance due. Even when Medicare said I did not need to pay for an individual session, this guy billed me. He terminated because he had to deal with insurers.
Shocked I called his office but he never returned my call.I sent him a letter. No response. Medicare then investigated him and it turned out he owed me $1400 which he paid.
I wanted to report him to somebody and researched various organizations including the licensing division in my state. I tried to report him to them but in order to investigate I would have to sign a statement allowing investigators to research my personal file. Not a good idea I decided.
So this guy is still practicing and who knows what harm he has caused other people. There ought to be stricter licensing of psychologists – maybe that would help.
I see a psychiatrist every six months for med checks. I like him a lot, but he is not good at talk therapy. Over the years I’ve come to realize that if you need/want to spill your guts and get emotional support, etc, then see a Licensed Clinical Social Worker or other Therapist. Psychiatrist are notoriously involved in prescribing meds, mostly because they are the only ones who are legally able to do so. I have seen a great “talk” therapist to deal with ongoing issues. Some people don’t get the distinction – and it might just be my perception. What does every one else think?
Hi Therapy Friend
I’m happy to hear you got paid back!
I encourage you to go back and deal with the Licensing Division in your state.They need to see your record to determine that therapy sessions in fact took place and when, and if other “rules of the therapy game” were followed. They are not looking specifically at your mental history although it is there. It has nothing to do with your insurance case.
You were also “improperly terminated” as a client and (pressumably)sent away without a referral… this goes against the ethics policies of most mental health professions (if not all)
I’m sad to hear of another perosn who was hurt by a therapist but it’s time to practice what you worked on with that therapist to “eliminate fear and build confidence”…let the scenario serve as your practice ground. Sounding off here is just making noise and complaining if one refuses to really do anything to help themself in the real world.
These posts are both appalling, and educational. I have been a practicing Marriage and Family Therapist in California for thirty years, and I can’t believe the incompetence and lack of boundaries in the therapists described. My education taught me what to do. My clinical internships taught me about working with patients, and I have a consultant to keep me honest. I feel that the patient should not be expected to know what they are supposed to do. That is just crazy making. I am there for the patient, to guide, and educate if necessary, and above all to listen to what they want, and why and how they hurt. It is our job to be “patient,” and to wait on them, not to expect them to live up to our expectations. And each patient is different. If we are bored, then we need to check on what is going on, not be critical.
Right now, I am very grateful for my teachers!
I’m sorry so many of you have had such negative experiences. I would encourage you to say something to the therapist as difficult as that may sound. I know that I’ve been guilty of running late, drinking a beverage and in emergency low blood sugar cases eating something so that I could concentrate better. I try to stay away from asking the How do you Feel about that question but there is a reason why that question is asked. As cliche as it sounds being able to name feelings is a form of exposure and those that have difficulty articulating and sitting with their feelings are more likley to have psychosomatic issues. I don’t know how it is for other therapists but I’m certainly not in it for the money. 7 years of education, the cost of insurance, continuing education, health insurance, being on-call 24 hours a day and the cost of licensure and I’ll be lucky if I clear 35,000 this year. The unpredictable nature of the work and who will show to their appointments sometimes makes it difficult to work in proper breaks. Maybe these are excuses. Most therapists are very caring but they are not all knowing and what offends some does not offend others. So please speak up and let us know.
I had a therapist, she was in her 50’s, and she was a knowns professionist.
Once she fell asleep in front of me, she just closed her eyes.
it was 18.30, not 23.00.
I have minor issues and I can understand i’m not thrilling, but still I felt it like a lack of respect, and her bill was sky-high.
In add, her way of approaching things was letting me talk,talk, talk.
Not answering at my questions, not helping me with any kind of suggestion, or directions.
When I was trying to see where my therapy was headed, she never said anything to me.
I spent 3 years talking, talking and never having anything back from her.
This summer I faced a kin’s illness which made me really tremble and in front of it it was obvious her session were just too easy going and unable to help me.
Looking back, I wondered if I got better just cause I grew up and life changed me or if she really did something on me.
I found another therapist, a young male, probably not out from college from more than 4 years, but is just better:
maybe cause of first time passion, he’s always on time, he’s gentle, he listens really and he always is careful to show me the path I decide to do with him.
I pay him way less to do quiet hours in his study which is just deliciously quiet and good scented.
Sometimes change’s good.
RE: Crys
“….young male…first time passion…he’s gentle, he listens really and he always is careful to show me the path I decide to do with him….do quiet hours….deliciously quiet and good scented.”
wow. your choice of words reveals quite a bit i think! Using words like passion, gentle, delicious and “good scented”(?) to describe your therapist? Hmmmmm…..
my therapist was going to lose her home,and i gave her loans so she wouldn’t lose it,if my husband finds out i will be beat up,but i don’t think she cares
oh i forgot to say she is now with a 70 year old client.boyfriend girlfriend thing,sick
I am very pleased to say that my therapist, who has helped me tremendously, and whom I’ve been seeing, off and on, for several years, has never done any one of these things.
ONCE, in all those sessions, I was in crisis, and the only early opening he had was during his lunch break, which he told me over the phone before I came in. He asked me if I minded him eating his sandwich during the session. I said no, of course not. I think he took about two bites of the sandwich during the entire hour.
THERE ARE GOOD THERAPISTS OUT THERE. IF YOU DON’T LIKE THE ONE YOU’RE SEEING, TRY ANOTHER
I’m not a therapist, just a very experienced RN–who, by the way, lives on the EC. The absolutely best therapist (and most helpful by far) to me has done the following:
Brought her very well-behaved little, miniature Yorkee to work with her. Now, I have no dog phobias, and I am huge dog lover. But after she “introduced,” I really didn’t know he was there. BTW, he was totally adorable.
Secondly, she has used a few (not extensively elaborated on) examples from her own life and experience in order to be helpful. I am also a teacher, and I know the value of relating to help guide the other person/s in understanding. You just have to be carefuly not to make the session about the example or about yourself or something else as a therapist. You must focus on the client and staying relevant.
Dear God in heaven, absolutely never has she yawned or fallen asleep. She completely understands and relates the vital importance of active listening.
NOw, and here is where some may part ways–but you must understand that a client knows this going in–prior to intake or any sessions. . .her practice is in a group of Christian therapists. Guess what? Sometimes she prays with me and her clients, and honestly, it is awesome.
Finally, any hugs have always followed a reguest if it is “OK” to give each other an understanding, supportive, platonic hug. Sheez. All things must be put in context. As professionals in this field, I would think that would understood–not at all suggesting that indeed it is not–that’s just a sort of colloquial way many communicate on the EC. It’s a matter of fact style, not meant at all to seem condescending.
But I have always sort of expected a more general lack of well, perhaps “rigidity” among therapists. I mean I agree with the person that is talking about appropriate lines and boundaries.
Finally, I like the way my therapist has dressed–well, professional, but not too “business-like.” She’s really a good balance of things.
My only probable is that she moved, and now it’s quite a bit further to get to her office–darn it. She really helped me with some huge issues, and w/o her guidance (and yes, I also believe prayers), I would be stuck in something tragic–still suppressing, repressing, and blaming myself for things that happened to me as a child.
I can honestly say that I believe (know in my soul) that God used this therapist to help me grow in a greater understanding of things and experience this immense sense of total freedom.
LIke I said, I only wish she lived closer. She is one of these persons that is not only well-educated, she just naturally has certain gifts and abilities that make her quite excellent at what she does. As nurse-professional and teacher, I can say that one can be very well-eduated, but that does not mean one is particulary gifted to do something for which they have been educated.
Just some perspectives from one in the “peanut gallery.”
Thanks
Please pardon any typicing or other errors. I’m under the time “gun.”
I went to a male therapist in private practice for over a year. He flirted with me all the time and I ended up knowing more about him than he ever got to know about me. I really thought that he loved me because of all the things he told me and I thought I was special to him. He told me so many things that I won’t even post. The truth is he is a very lonely person who feeds off his clients attention. His self-disclosures were intentional to create this relationship and the reason I know that is he was very professional at first. I feel that all therapists should be supervised no matter where they practice home etc. I still miss him to this day because my love for him was real and unconditional. I became the mother he never had. I doubt this person will ever have any close relationships outside of therapy. What I did learn was that we are all the same in the end. People looking for love, understanding, warmth, nuturing and caring. The only problem is sometimes the client ends up realizing the therapist is more damaged than they ever could be and wants to help them because they do care.
Maggie, that person was way unprofessional and inappropriate. I am wondering what made you keeping going to him all that time. I’d have been out the door.
I am sorry you went through that.
Makes me appreciate the therapist I wrote about all the more. God bless her.
I feel there is a certain element of the “Stockholm Syndrome” happening to a particular subgroup of clients – ones with emotional lability and abandonment issues.
Sometimes these clients know their therapy is not progressing in an ethical, legal, procedural, moral, logical or even intuitive manner.
Yet they are drawn back again and again to that particular therapist because they make them feel good about themselves through countertransference, self-discloure and compliments.
Would anyone care to back me up on this or propose an alternative theory.
I am a psychology student who is thinking of using this scenario for my undergraduate thesis.
wow, i never thought most of these behaviors existed in therapists. I didn’t realize until this moment, reading the article and the many comments, how freaking lucky I am when it comes to therapists. I am going to give my therapist on Thursday, a sincere thank you for being a great person and great therapist. Can’t imagine being able to work on healing myself if she would do any of these behaviors.
I wish therapists would try and sort out their own issues before committing their lives to helping others with issues they can’t possibly give honest counsel on.
Ultimately, more than anything in the world I want to heal myself, to love myself, to love others, and for everyone to be able to work on healing themselves. I wish the best to all here, in therapy and out of it.
I am totally appalled by this list. Call me naive, or call me someone who has the good sense to not see a therapist twice who would do any of these things!
I feel sorry for anyone who had to deal with an unprofessional/abusive therapist, but I hope they would care enough about themselves to get out of the negative situation.
(Eating during session is totally fine with me—my therapist is amazing, and sometimes pulls 5 hour in a row sessions…it’s totally necessary for her to function!)
Eating during a session is NOT fine with me. Therapists get 5-15 minutes between clients which is enough time to eat a couple of sandwiches, make a couple of phone calls or have a toilet break. My therapist does eight in a row some days and professionally honours all of her clients. When I am the last client of the day I am amazed she is still not only awake but mindful and vibrant at the same time. This has been a consistent pattern of hers since 1996.
My therapist has never eaten in front of me, only drinks tea or coffee with my permission but not before offering me one as well, doesn’t bring distracting pets into her office, has the phone turned onto silent, ditto computer and closes the window if it gets noisy outside. I have her full, undivided attention and she has only once yawned in front of me and that was when she had a cold.
Most therapists do the right thing by their clients. This sort of blog will always attract people who are not happy with rather than the majority who are satisfied with their therapist and their therapy.
I think there may be a vastly skewed representation of disgruntled readers posting here because of the nature of the original blog. The proportion of people who are unhappy tend to be drawn more to posting negative comments. I believe that in the real world the percentage would be much less. I could be wrong of course.
Stranger than Fiction at 10:58 pm on March 20th, 2009 wrote:
I feel there is a certain element of the “Stockholm Syndrome” happening to a particular subgroup of clients – ones with emotional lability and abandonment issues.
Sometimes these clients know their therapy is not progressing in an ethical, legal, procedural, moral, logical or even intuitive manner.
Yet they are drawn back again and again to that particular therapist because they make them feel good about themselves through countertransference, self-discloure and compliments.
Would anyone care to back me up on this or propose an alternative theory.
I am a psychology student who is thinking of using this scenario for my undergraduate thesis.
Hi STF… I changed my ID to Maggie09 as there is a second maggie posting as well.
I concur with your statement and would like to talk you about it. Is there a way for us to talk/email away from this blog…I don’t feel this is the place for it…way too long.
Essentially though, when one grows up in a dysfunctional environment, then attracts during the course of their life the same types of people who feel “like family”, they will also attract therapists who share the same characteristics. In my experience with one therapist the unethical things that happened “felt normal”…until I woke up.
You may want to read up on “repetition compulsion”. I have a wonderful therapist now who explained all of this for me. Some say it’s an efforet to heal the original hurtful circumstances. Thank the heavens for sending her into my life!
Hi Maggie09,
My email address is greenfrog392001@hotmail.com
Would love to hear from you.
Listen up, folks, Miastella is right – the demands for paperwork are extensive in private settings, too. We are in a hospital-based clinic and have to gather volumes of information by the end of the first session – hence the reams of paperwork that clients are asked to fill out, most of it very personal, before the first session. The information has to be correct because it goes into the electronic record and cannot be altered once it has been “processed”(I think clients should scream bloody murder about electronic records for therapy, but that’s another topic.) Then the insurance companies demand another set of information. If we therapists fail to gather this information, our clinic can be cited with violations, or the insurance company can deny a client’s claim. The client literally gets no time to explain his/her needs, and it’s all because the regulatory bodies and insurance companies insist on these practices. If a client survives the first few sessions that require a large number of irrelevant questions, they can get what they came for – until 90 days later when almost the entire process has to be repeated.
Now we are told that we must collaborate with physicians (hence the electronic record). If an MD calls, we are to drop everything, including the client in the office, and take the call.
Perhaps knowing the backstory of the demands on the therapist can help put some of these annoyances into perspective.
Regulatory bodies and insurance companies certainly don’t listen to us therapists; even the APA gets nowhere with them. Clients have to speak up and insist that quality of care requires that therapists have more flexibility to respond to the needs of their clients, not the “needs” of the regulators and corporations!
I am lucky to have a terrific therapist now. She does none of the things on the list, but if she ever found it necessary to eat or take notes, I know she’d ask me if it were ok first, and she’d have a good reason. Her boundaries are very good and I have never felt that she was trying to fit me into some preconceived idea of me and my condition.
I have to say that I have been in therapy on and off for the past 4 decades and I have had therapists who have done all the things on the list. Luckily, I guess I’ve had enough experience and gained enough confidence to stick up for myself and make sure my needs get met.
That’s not easy or even possible for many new patients. It requires that you know what you need, and it helps if you have good experiences with which to compare the bad ones, and you know what is helpful to you. I only know that I have read a lot; I have compared notes with other patients in support groups, and I’ve done a lot of self-examination to get to the place I’m in now. I’m sorry to hear about all the bad experiences. There are terrific therapists out there too.
I am a therapist (clinical psychologist) who works primarily with children and families. I found this article and the comments very interesting and even enlightening. I always enjoy and appreciate having the opportunity to hear things openly from clients’ perspectives.
I do have one question that I would like to bounce off of everyone: I do one of the behaviors indicated here and would like to get a sense of whether people think this is wrong. I’m a type 1 (insulin-dependent) diabetic. My clients and their parents are aware of this. I tell them primarily so that if I do start to have an insulin reaction during a session, I can explain to them quickly why I need to eat candy or glucose tablets. That probably happens about once every two or three months. In those situations, I’ll say to my client something along the lines of “you know how I told you I’m a diabetic?” Well, my blood sugar is dipping and I need to have some sugar. Is that ok?” No one has ever expressed any misgivings about me doing that or seemed bothered by me eating at those times.
But I welcome any feedback.
Dr Mateja
In your circumstance I don’t think there are any clients who would object. What is being talked about is the eating of a meal in front a client. Some therpists with poor boundaries will not, or do not, schedule a meal break for themselves and think it’s just fine to eat while in session.
If you do need to eat candy and take care of your needs I do suggest you also offer a piece to the client. More so for the benefit of the client and yourself… If you have an attack…wouldn’t it be a better idea to stop the session and reschedule the client as your system needs to return to homeostasis? If your reading your own bodies signals that something is off balance…taking care of your needs and then feeling when balance is returning…how much focus are you really giving your client at the time?
I think there are a lot of therapists who truly love what they do and want to help their clients. As a client, when my therapist is not perfect…she’s a few minutes late, or she forgot something I thought was important but probably only barely mentioned it once, then I get to see that she is human just like me. When I first saw my therapist and I thought she was this perfect person it was intimidating. Now I am not talking about a therapist making a big mistake that really harms the client, but sometimes we can learn something from these little things that just make them more human. Just my thoughts.
@Michelle- The question of “How does that make you feel?” has gotten a bad wrap for years, mostly because people don’t understand why we therapists ask it. I can understand how it feels generic to you, but we ask questions like that because we genuinely want to know how you reacted to a particular situation!
Often I will hear clients describe a particular scenario, and while I know that I personally would have felt disgusted/angry/guilty in response, I can’t make the assumption that my client feels the same way. When I ask, “How did that make you feel?” it’s because my client hasn’t said what his/her emotion was, is giving me lots of details but avoiding the emotional aspects, or telling me what his/her friends’ reactions were but lacking insight into his/her own reactions. Sometimes it’s not so obvious, as you say, and a question like “How did that make you feel?” will be greeted by a stunned look and “Hmm, I’m not sure,” or “I don’t know.”
We ask questions like that to keep the focus on the client. It helps both of us understand how he/she is working inside and can be informational for the both of us.
I think most of these should really go without saying. I found the worst habits of therapists were:
failing to see things from my perspective
not offering sympathy
not being flexible about the kind of treatment offered
telling me the conclusions instead of letting me work it out for myself.
Its simple, when I go to therapy I want to talk about my emotions to someone who cares about me, to feel like they are on my side. I want them to ask the right “guiding” questions so I can eventually work out my own solution and put that into action. Sounds basic but I’ve had such a hard job getting anything like that from some therapists!
I didn’t even know that people had issues like these. I am lucky that I don’t have issues with my T.
I place the profession of “Psychotherapist”, in general, in the same category as “Lawyers” and in some cases, “Doctors”. There are others that fit into this general category. What is the the tie that binds them?
They all have a vested financial interest in non-resolution. In other words, they all will make more money the longer the “problem” persist.
I have been to a “therapist(s)” and, though I don’t blame them for the issues I’ve had, I do accuse them of NOT offering possible valid solutions.
To be in the profession, I think, takes a person of extreme moral and ethic fiber to do their job without thinking about how to make the next payment on their upcoming hawaiian cruise they plan to take in September.
My comment to my fellow psychiatrists would be: why not give your bills to your patients and let them file? As long as you are up front about it. Also, I wouldn’t get too upset about patients regressing, whining about the how do you feel question, wanting a perfect pill, expecting you to read their minds and fix their problems for them immediately, etc. If they had wonderful childhood they wouldn’t act this way. But then they wouldn’t need THERAPY. These behaviors are called *transference*.
I can’t tell you HOW many times #1 has rung true for me.
I would not like it if my t had a insulin reaction in session, I would then feel like I was having to take care of them, I have hypoglycemia and know that I can fade out very fast and need assistance in coming around…besides my brain always gets foggy first…
#13: A therapist who sets herself up as powerful and in control of the session through obvious and covert means. Obvious: telling you why you feel as you do before obtaining sufficient background on you or placing you in a ’shoebox’ labeled as xyz and identifying all your symptoms as from that ‘xyz shoebox. Covert: sitting in the ‘big chair’ which is higher than any other chair in the room and using a ‘professorial’ tone of voice. I tested my current therapist several years ago by sitting in her ‘big chair’. She was very open to the switch and we had a good discussion of the power dynamics involved. Needless to say, she is still my therapist.
My therapist is absolutely wonderful. He genuinely cares and empathizes without coming on too strong or making it uncomfortable. He made it clear from day one that he was coming from another location and will most likely always be 5-10 minutes late but always makes sure I get the extra time at the end. The only time he tells of his personal life is if the subject matter relates to my particular problem. Too bad their aren’t more therapists out there like him. Previously I had seen a social worker a few times for a family members terminal illness and all she wanted to do was talk about her favorite restaurants..needless to say I got the hell out of there.
Lola…it’s great that you really like this therapist but think about this…
Why don’t you and your therapist make your appointment time 15 minutes later so he’s “on time” and you’re not waiting? It’s not extra time your getting at “the end” but the time you are paying for.
Unless of course you both just enjoy the dynamic.
Regarding the “how does it make you feel” question, you would be surprised how often you either can’t tell how a client is feeling, or assume they feel one way only to find out otherwise.
For example:
Therapist: it must have hurt you when Shelly broke up with you.
Client: Not really. I was eagerly waiting for it to happen.
Just there the therapist has lost credibility with the client and made themselves look foolish. It’s better to ask how a client feels than assume. On the other hand, if it bothers the client, he/she is free to ask their therapist to stop asking this question.
13 should be attacking the client. One colleague of mine bombards his clients with “why did you do that”, “you know that was wrong”, ect. He should have been a police interrogator, not a counselor.
Number 10 is the worst!
My previous counselor talked about how wealthy he was all the time! His expensive canes and how he wins money gambling! It was atrocious to say the least.
Glad I found this great thread. I recently found a therapist around my own 45-50-year-old range, with whom I feel quite comfortable so far. He’s always on time, dresses up but neatly, and interacts with me very professionally, yet he seems warm, sensitive and empathetic. I am also bugged by therapists who are overly sterile- or clinical-acting, who make you feel like a complete lab specimen.. When one prior therapist of mine did that, I felt put off and uncomfortable.
I will agree that I always find it hard not to wince when the end-of-session arrives. Often I feel like a goof being in the middle of some important statement or profound thought — only to have my therapist remind me our time’s up.. He’s good though and will try to quickly get in a “We have to stop in a moment, but…” segue a good minute or two before. But then you get rushed right out the door, and sometimes your thoughts are like wounds that were opened and then not properly closed up.. Sometimes I find ME checking the clock to try to out-session-end him! These little things can make therapy seem to me like “advice prostitution” sometimes — but overall it’s quite valuable and self-affirming to me.
I like professionalism mixed with an easygoing nature — but I would not want a therapist to only be a drive-through prescription refiller for me, nor someone who acts like my best friend — which they never are and should never be or feel like, IMHO.
I happen to know that my therapist changed careers (she was an Account Executive in the ad agency world), has been divorced (her husband was very controlling) and is a Buddhist. All of this plus her habit of giving me books to read (that I have no time to read) instead of giving me insights that would actually help are making me want to dump her. My husband has finally agreed to go in with me but now I’m not sure I want to. She’s trying to push me to a psychiatrist and I don’t want any part of that. I’m depressed, I have some issues but I don’t need to be medicated for the rest of my life. She’s also inconsistent in when she can see me. I’m happier when I’m not in her office. How do you spot a good therapist and what are the warning signs that one is kind of a fake, like she is?
I’ve been attending therapy since I was 6 years old, and have been to at least 10 different ones. All of which have always asked the same question at least 20 times in an hour session, “and how does that make you feel?”. Honestly, the first time it’s fine, but after the 3rd or 4th time you begin to answer the questions more hostilly and eventually lunge at them with a fountain-pen-spear. So, what I was trying to state is that you forgot the asking of “how does that make you feel?”.
-Alex
Wow. I have been sooo fortunate with my therapists! The first was an intern – a delightful lady with a pleasant (almost musical) voice and a charming accent. She would drink hot tea in some sessions, always asking did I want some. I didn’t care that she drank her tea during session… there were just bigger issues in my life.
She moved away and referred me to a male therapist. For about the first 6 months I was bound and determined to hate him. He has a well honed “therapist stare” (as it was called in a much earlier post) and I felt as if he could see the very stains on my soul. Now, I absolutely adore him. We have a friendship, but on a professional level. I trust him completely. Sometimes he has a bottle of water, but not usually. If he is expecting a phone call he warns me at the beginning of the session (ie when family was ill, or when there was unexpected road construction blocking the normal route to his office).
His stomach has growled. He has yawned. He has sneezed. I don’t have him on a ‘little god’ pedestal, so they don’t bother me.
Sometimes if my appt is right after his staff meeting he runs a little late – a quick apology and we move on. I guess we have just developed a relationship that is based on more than “perfection”.
He asks ‘how do you feel about that?” … but because I trust him so much, I know he genuinely wants to know. How else would he find out my true feelings if he didn’t ask????
I admire the therapists (etc) who set out to truly help hurting hearts find healing… it isn’t a glamorous or thankful job, but I would think in its successes there is a multitude of rewards.
I must not be like most people because I really don’t want my therapist to be uptight! Some of the examples are no brainers (common sense) but the others, I believe, get in the way of the therapist being themselves. Also, for me, some of the examples listed would make me feel more comfortable not less. I don’t believe every therapist can be everything to everybody but as long as the therapist stays true to themselves and doesn’t try to be something they are not the people they do mesh with will have a much more positive therapy process.
Each person has a story and their experiences (good , bad , or ugly ) are a reflection of what *Another person experiences or has experienced ,providing them with insight and helping them cope with issues , that aren’t very hard to deal with , what im trying to say is that its very important to recognise these emotions and let them float and manifest into an enlightening learning experience that in turn paves way to a healthier and happier future.
i,ve read every post-took me 3 hrs. as i like to reflect on them to see if there is one that fits my situation. i have DID and the process of knowing the altar and learning of the memory can take a day or weeks for me. But the one thing i get comically annoined with is the part where he says, “Next session we’ll process the memory.” just to give me a heads up. i finally asked him if there was a better word for “process”? i grew up ona farm and when fall came around so did the “beef”. my job was to “process” the hamburger! When I told him this story, he laughed loud and long!! He said he would try to find a proper synonym, but he can’t break an old habit. Yet, every now and then, when he says we would be processing a memory, i shoot back with, “…will it be from the rump roast part or sirloin mixed with a bit of fat…!” After almost 11 yrs., we still have fun with the process of processing!!
Therapist re-wrote my family history and had me believeing mom was the cause of all my problems and I should cut her and anyone else who disagreed with me out of my life. And I did do that accusing them of all sorts of crap. Then I woke up one day reading online stories of bad therapy and how the drugs affected thinking and emotions. I had a lot of relationship repairing to do, including the husband and kids I walked out on, and one step at a time I am taking my life back without drugs or a shrink.
I am a therapist. I agree these 12 habits are poor. However, one expection maybe talking about yourself. Self-disclousre can be beneficial to a client. Sharing how you may have handled a common situation the client has can help. Sometimes it is relieving to a client to know their experiences and feelings can be common and they arne’t the only ones etc. However, if the session revovles around the therapist talking about themselves not good.
In defense of therapists people can project so much on to a therapist about their own preconceived notions about what the therapist is suppose to look like, say, dress like, what their office is suppose to be like etc. If you don’t match these ideas clients can project their anger, disappointment, pleasure, annoyance, etc on to the therapist before the therapist even has a chance to attempt to work with the patient. Sometimes I can immediately just upon a greeting sense whether I am what they think I should be positive or negative. If it doesnt match their expectations then its over before it starts. I do addicitons counseling in addition to individual and couples. I have actually had clients assume from the beginning once they realize I also do addictions that I can’t help them because I am that type of counselor and they are probably in the wrong place. Thus, just having a addicitons credential is a stigma. At times I can feel I am being judged unfairly and sets a tone that can make it difficult as a client has already made quick judgements. So I say give us a break too! We are just trying to help even if we don’t match some idea in someones mind about what we are suppose to be like before we get a chance to see if we can be helpful.
This was a good list. I caught my therapist glancing at the clock a few times, and she tended to be late a lot–sometimes by 10, 15, or 20 minutes, which wasn’t good for me since I saw her on my lunch break. I will say that she brought her dog Eli with her and I actually found that calmed me down a bit: He was adorable and seemed to like me a lot. I no longer see her, but I did adopt my own dog, partly because of the effect I noticed he had on me. Because I have to see him every day and his needing to be walked forces me out of bed every morning, Oliver’s presence in my life is more therapeutic than the therapy!
Right ON! Wow, I’ve been waiting almost 20 YEARS to read this!!!
I even suggested light-heartedly once that my Therapist’s Grocery list was looking kind of extensive, even for ME!
He had no sense of Humor at all! Ever.
)
At the beginning of a session I noticed my therapist had a Cornell coffee cup on her desk. I kiddingly asked if she was trying to hold her superior education over my head. Suddenly she looked like a deer caught in headlights. I looked over to where she was staring and I saw her Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees hanging on the wall next to me — right over my head.
my therapist always seemed shocked when I told him things. Like he’s never heard this ever before!!
I have seen several therapist myself. One was just a pill pusher and didn’t both to get down to the real problems I had which would require different medication. When I would tell her it wasn’t working she would just increase the dosage.
Another one would eat, drink, and tell me about herself and her daughter who works in the same school system as I do. Not very professional at all.
A third one who the one above told me that a bunch of people complained about him and that he was no good. He was the one who figured out that I was Bipolar II and not just depressed. However, what made me leave him was that 1. He was never on time, even when I was the very first person of the dad. And 2. he was so dang happy all of the time. I’m sorry but if I’m feeling bad, I really don’t need happyness shooved down my throat. I believe concern would be more appropriate. If I’m discussing something that has upset me, by him being happy go lucky makes me feel that my problem isn’t imporant.
Let’s see:
I had a therapist that did yawn and rub her eyes during our session. She also dressed up in “finery” and jewelry and made sure her cleavage showed everyday. She also took notes while I talked. She then hugged me and told me she was sorry that my life was so sad.
Then there was the psychiatrist that told me at every visit that I needed to read some of his religious literature, that it would help me to get better and then continued to shove his religious beliefs down my throat.
Then there was the psychiatrist that asked me only two (2) questions and told me that I had Borderline Personality Disorder and needed to be institutionlized because (Yes! this is the only reason he stated!) I had seen several psychiatrists in the past and that I had issues with them. I attempted to explain why I had to leave the psychiatrists (change in insurance, the psychiatrist moved away, the psychiatrist retired) but he wouldn’t listen to me. His remarks in my medical records have caused multiple issues with proper diagnosis and treatment for GAD and Major Depression. I paid for my own psychological testing and I was found not to have Borderline Personality Disorder or any other Personality Disorder that interferes or complicates my life.
Then there was the psychaitrist and therapist (LCSW) that accused me of being “racially biased” because I did not/could not drive an hour to see her at her new location.
There was also the psychiatrist that held my hand and attempted to force me to take Lithium telling me that I HAD TO TAKE IT and that I could not leave his office without taking it…I left his office in an out-right sprint and that was the only time I stood on the ledge of a parking deck and contemplated jumping off of it…HE HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT TO ME!!!
I resent the psychiatric profession because of the BAD ones that I have had. They try to play GOD with my life and will never accept NO as an answer.
As for the psychiatrist and therapist I have now…they are acceptable…Do I trust them, NO. And since my therapist can only “make room for me” every 4-5 months, I have to begin the terrible process of finding another therapist. And so the world of psychiatric medicine and psychology rolls on and I am the one who suffers.
I’ve had a lot of bad therapists/psychiatrists, but that is another story…
I prefer my therapist to be down-to-earth, laid back, human. When they are too professional I just don’t feel comfortable.
I had one very respectable psychiatrist, one of the best where I live, who kept his dog in his office and his wife was his secretary.
The Doc was very professional and helpful and I loved the atmosphere, especially the dog. When his dog would sit next to me when I could pet him I felt much more comfortable and relaxed and could open up much more easily.
I got further with him than with anyone else, until he retired!
I hate it when I see a therapist whose office and demeanor is cold, reminding me that they are a “professional” and that they run a “business.” I know this but when I am constantly reminded it just makes it much harder for me to feel comfortable with them. I don’t want them to be my friend, I just want to receive good therapy.
I find this much easier to do when the place and therapist is more human.
We are talking of what is not expected of a person in professional life. The fact, however, remains that s/he too is a human being after all. And, mind you, which profession doesn’t have black sheep! Let us not paint all professionals with the same brush.
Those professionals who don’t come up to our expectations form only a minority. For us to have a total picture in front of us, to be truly balanced in our assessment, let us also have a TWELVE (if not more) MOST ANNOYING HABITS OF COUNSELEES, who too are human. = Gurudatt, selfhelp support group facilitator, Pune, India
We are talking about Therapist. I had one who wouln’t let me seek another therapist or try to get any other help. She took it personal. She would say, I can do what they do.I quess I felt oblgated to stay with her. Even though her therapy wasn’t working. I guess she has a self-esteem Problem. But that didn’t help me.
Where is the list for the worst habits of patients?
Get a life, live and let live. Sure, some habits are annoying. To my thinking a patient/therapist relationship is about keeping communication open and honest. Why not just tell the therapist that the certain behavior is getting in the way of your progress? If nothing is said or happens it is the PATIENTS responsibility to change therapists. You are responsible for your own life and decisions. I find that I get frequently annoyed hearing complaints against professionals. Generalization of a group is just wrong. If in fact an innapropriate action occurs, report it to the proper authorities and then LET IT GO!
There are many reasons why a patient might not feel comfortable bringing up such bad habits, primarily because of the power differential in the relationship.
Also, not all therapists take such feedback or criticism well. Not all patients want to risk the work they’ve done and their progress over a bad habit.
Oh..How I see my own therapist in this report. I often wonder if she has something else to do that is much more important, as she watches the clock incestantly. She is also on that computer and says she MUST get the paper work done FIRST. She is already late, anywhere from 15 to 20 minutes after our scheduled time, before she opens the hallway door to announce 11:30 Group! and it is now 11:50 ! , but regardless of how late SHE is; our session ends promptly at 12:30, BUT my INSURANCE IS BILLED FOR THE FULL HOUR ! She often apologizes for eating (she says finishing, but she has just taken it her salad from the refrigerator and is putting dressing on it) her lunch during our sessions ! She often forgets our names during Group sessions and must be reminded what our nmae is. She says that paperwork is the reason she is always behind, but I really can’t see that because she is always doing her paperwork the entire time we are in session ! I think your write up indicates true concerns of Patients.Being a Patient myself,I certainly feel qualified to state that every one of the 12 items that you mentioned DO create a tension or cause that ill at ease feeling. And to address the Denise: Denise, letting it go is not that simple. We are given forms, by Park Center Decatur, IN, to address concerns or compliments for services afforded us. I, and I do know that several others as well, have listed all of our disapprovals of the aforementioned problems with our therapist. We are asked to put our names on these forms and we have done so. The message on the form states that we may be contacted regarding our complaints or concerns. I have never been contacted, and I have been told by others in my group, that neither have they been contacted. As far as we can tell no action has ben addressed or taken. I say this because our Therapist continues with her same bad and unprofessional habits. My Insurance company is still billed for a full hour of service, when it has only been 45 minutes or LESS spent with the Therapist and during this time, she has completed my paperwork. Upon seeeing this write up, and seeing my own complaints shown here, I do not believe this is just a ‘generalization’ as you contend.
Per Dr Grohol’s, and prior to his that of Denise, I think it is nothing less than fully appropriate for a patient to raise concerns if therapists’ behaviors are impairing the psychotherapy process.
If a clinician is going to do something to compromise the therapeutic alliance because they as professionals cannot take a well intended concern or criticism from the patient, then such individual should not be providing care. If the comment is in error, it could be used to enlighten or empower the patient to see where the flawed assessment or opinion came from, and see that responsible and well intended feedback or disagreement in treatment style or intervention can be processed and worked through.
Yes, I agree with your last comment that patients do not want to risk losing progress if the said concern comes up after treatment started, but wasn’t the point of this post to educate and empower patients to have some idea what to not tolerate or endure by an alleged professional?
As per Denise’s comment, I totally agree, and I think what I read in alot of comments at psych blogs these days represents what I call characterological features, not necessarily frank personality disorders, but I read a lot of inflexible and rigid commentary by some, and that is not going to improve with meds alone, nor by coming to a stand off with a professional because the patient, in the end, does NOT really want to change. Just an opinion.
By the way, to Vickie, better to have gone through the process in filing a complaint than just let things ride as is, because you have started a paper trail, and if the supervising authorities have any real interest in protecting the public, documentation has an impact in the end, so I applaud your efforts, even if you feel not effective in the end.
I just started seeing a psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago for the first time. He sat me down in the room and basically asked “so whatsup?” without any getting to know eachother talk or anything to make me comfortable. It was so akward, I just started crying and eventually had to say something so that he would stop staring at me and nodding. Is this normal??? I thought it was a bit bizarre. Things are better now and I feel comfortable talking to him, but I just thought that was so strange that he couldn’t make me more comfortable at a first session.
I have a question that I hope someone can answer… My therapist was late for a session so after waiting 15 minutes for her to show I just left. She called me another 15 minutes later and asked that I return. I declined, told her I didn’t appreciate her unprofessionalism, and never went to see her again. Now she is threatening to take me to small claims court if I don’t pay the bill for the session that day. Does anyone know who is in the right here? I believe I am, but I don’t want to waste my time if she is correct. Advice?
I just read this tonight, August 2, and would like to take a stab at Jim K’s question.
report this person to whatever professional board your state has in place to consider unprofessional conduct by a licensed professional. Because, as I used the word professional several times in the last sentence, this person’s behaviors and subsequent actions are as far from professional as I can see. And make sure anyone who has an interest in your situation knows about it. Word of mouth can be effective. And make sure this idiot knows you are letting others know she is clueless and will be labeled as unprofessional. My advice, use that term very deliberately if you choose to contact this unprofessional clinician.
Anyone who takes a patient to court better realize there are two sides to a story, and some will see through the clueless side!
Interesting! I think my comment was erased! It was the last one of 163, and now…
Sorry! Never mind!
One more thing – I don’t care if your feet hurt. Leave your shoes on! It’s distracting (and kind of repulsive) to fixate on the fact that my therapist prefers pantyhose with reinforced toes. Ick!
For four years I saw a psychiatrist who told me she had psychotherapy and CBT training, but actually didn’t. This was discovered when my situation got worse/more complicated as a result of many of her well-intentioned, but hackneyed suggestions/theories. When I finally got the strength to leave her (it was hard for me to leave someone I had been seeing for so long), I decided to do my research when it came to finding my next therapist. I looked up names of individuals trained in CBT and I contacted the local universities psychology department for referrals. I ended up with a list of four individuals, and I interviewed all four over email.
The one I settled on changed my life for the better. I had to pay out-of-pocket for his care, but it was worth every penny.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 8 Mar 2009
