Depression is like an unwelcome obnoxious guest at a party, the bully at the table next to you in school, the bad roommate you can’t kick out of your house. It’s overwhelming, saddening, frustrating, and imposing. When depression worms its way into a marriage, it can turn a good thing upside down in a short time.
Depression pushes its way between two spouses when it shows up. Maybe only one person is diagnosed, but depression puts its mark on both people. That’s the trickery of depression — the deception that if you even realize that’s what it is, you just think it is about the person with the symptoms.
If you get married in good faith believing that each of you are stable, solid people, depression can be a real surprise. It can come on after a difficult life adjustment, in the postpartum period for a woman, or seemingly out of nowhere. It can look like an anger problem, a social discomfort, overeating, sexual disinterest, or the more obvious appearance of sad mood and tears.
This person you know and love has changed so much, becoming a stranger in your own home. They can seem so far out of reach, either talking about deep dark feelings or not talking much at all. Well, then what? It’s not like sending them to the doctor when they have a terrible sore throat and a fever. That’s obvious and it makes sense. If you ask how you could help, or suggest that they talk to a counselor or psychologist, you might get the stiff-arm. It’s their thinking, their feelings, their participation in life — all intangible things. You can’t put a bandage on that. It’s both frustrating and worrisome.
Here are some examples of how a person might react after their spouse has been depressed for several months. By this point, it can get more difficult to be understanding, more difficult to hear the same problems again and again, more difficult to know where you fit into their life, more difficult to see hope.
“You used to do all these things with your friends, and you’ve just quit going for so long. I want to have people over, but you make excuses for why we can’t do it. And we don’t even go out anymore, nowhere — ever. I’m tired of it, and I’m not going to just have no life because you don’t like being social anymore. What in the world has happened to you?”
“It’s all about you now - everything that goes on with this family, it revolves somehow around you. What you’re ready for, comfortable with, don’t feel like, think is pointless. You don’t want to spend any time with me or the kids when we’re in the house, but you don’t like it when I leave to go see my friends out of town. And you worry too much to let the grandparents take the kids overnight. It’s a no-win situation!”
In both of these examples, the depressed person has overly sensitive emotions, low toleration for stress, and trouble being close with loved ones. This isn’t the two-way street that the spouse expected. It can look more like marital mutiny than a clinical mental health problem. When left long enough without treatment, depression can slowly erode relationships.
The depression warps things inside a person’s brain. Their perspective is off-kilter to the point that they don’t see any difference between the depression and their true self. They take on the depression’s influence as if it is completely based in truth. Things feel so bad, and the thoughts are so negative — it must be because things really ARE that bad. Depression sometimes comes on after something that might make anyone emotionally upset, like a death in the family or diagnosis of a serious illness. If they have short-term distress, the intensity of their emotions will fade over time and they will gradually rebound. Clinical depression makes nearly everything seem unmanageable and overwhelming with little sign of hope or improvement.
Thankfully, when a depressed person does eventually get help, it can be an enormous relief to the spouse. There may be skepticism and hope mixed together. It may even take years for the depressed person to understand the impact their problem had on the whole family. Marriage can be damaged by depression, sometimes beyond repair when it is chronic. But when a person gets help early on for their depression, chances are good that the marriage will improve too.
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13 Comments to
“Depression: The Spouse’s Side of the Story”
Bad depression,chronic pain (lower back) I need help!! But come to think about it,she needs help too!!
Ricky,
Sounds like you might both benefit from some individual counseling. Chronic pain can certainly make depression worse and vice versa. If you haven’t mentioned this to your doctor yet, it would be a good idea. You can also ask them about local counselors in your area to get started with.
If both of you get some improvement with your depression, a lot of things will be easier to handle. Good luck.
It’s one of the worse things in my life that I’ve gone through w/my husband.He suffers from depression.Problem is w/depressed people, they don’t think they have a problem so it’s hard to get them the help they need.It’s all the spouses fault. I got my husband to talk to someone, he acted like he was totally fine. I looked like the mental patient when we saw his psych.I’ve been through 3 episodes each one worse than the one before.Husband is on meds & we do counseling.I was on meds to help me deal w/him.The episodes are hell!I’ve told him I will never go through that hell again.It’s too painful on myself & the kids.He’s nasty, negative,and a horrible human only to us though.We’re the “safe” ones.He knows of the pain/hurt he’s caused us but he was in his ugly place.He doesn’t really understand the pain.He wasn’t really there.That stays in me even w/counseling.
Jenn,
I’m so sorry to hear about that, it sounds so tough for you. Glad you are doing some things to take care of yourself, though. That’s really important, for you and your kids.
Denial can be so strong, especially when things are really bad (for the depressed person). It might be the only self-protection they believe they have left.
You know you can’t make a person you care about do something they don’t want to do. That’s the heartbreaking part. I really feel for you, and I hope things make a positive turn for you somehow soon. Don’t stop taking care of yourself.
I have seen a couple back in my home town who had a mentally ill child. It was devastating,since there were no social centers to take the kid to,they would basically leave him all alone at home when they went to work…Unbelievable.
I know when me and my boyfriend are together he likes to do other things, fun things and I’m just wanting to relax (all the time). I always want him around, I know I’m needy. During a few months of our relationship I always let things get out of hand because of my emotions, and now there’s a huge gap between us, I moved in with him from living in CA (now I live in KY with him) and things are much worse, the fights are face to face and more difficult to deal with. I try to talk to him about it, but he cannot understand how I feel… I don’t know what to do or how to go from here, I’ve been tempted to move back with my parents in CA. Any help?
Depression is like “a thief in the night..” So much of the pain is difficult to explain. Often it is almost indescribable. Having suffered with a family that is riddled with depression, it is clear that we are all affected. My personal challenges in depression has at times pressed me to the edge. It has forced me to deal with it as I would any adversary, directly and with the help of skilled professionals.
Today I’ve learned that this is a much more common affliction that affects millions of people. Men, women and children alike…the young and the older, the wealthy and the poor.
The positive news is that there is definitive treatments for this malady. Firstly, as I have done, we much accept the fact that we are not “bad people”, we need knowledge and assistance.
There is much support available, however this is discovered only after we admit to ourselves that we cannot handle such a challenge alone.
Depression in it’s many forms will attempt to engulf “one” that has it….Please know that you are not alone, seek input on this serious problem, and the fog will lift and your light will shine.
We heal as the entire family will.
God bless.
My wife and i are struggling financially. She wants to be a teacher but in Michigan there are very few openings. She feels because she is not contributing financially she is not contributing and letting me and her down. We have discussed selling the house and moving to where she could get a job but how can you sell a house in this economy? I know she won’t be satisfied if she pursues a different career other then teaching but it would help us financially. She doesn’t know what to do, on one hand we struggle but she substitute teaches and she’s not happy because we have little money or she gets a different career we have money and she is upset because she is not teaching.
It is nice to hear others going thru the same struggles as my husband and I. I have tried to suggest conuseling, support groups, anything I think will help and he does not even want to try anything. We have been married only 3 years and started dealing with the depression right after marriage. I feel so alone raising a 2 year old and a 6 year old. No daddy at the park, doctor, school, nothing. It has started to have a huge impact on me as well. I have gained weight and I also have my “bad” days, but as a mother, your really not allowed to have “bad” days. I have so many questions nowadays. Is it bad to consider divorce if the depressed person is not trying? Am I wrong? What can I do to make things easier for myself and children. Coupled with the fact that I moved from Texas to New York to be with him, it has made his guilt worse. Very concerned about myself and my children witnesseing this. Not sure what to do. In desperate need of some help.
My husband is going through a bad depression. He thinks it was caused by our recent relocation, though he had a long history of depression since childhood. I did not even know much of this history until now though we were married for 8 years. It is so tough: I have been the sole bread winner for several years since he lost his job - if he had a job we would not have relocated for mine. We pay baby sitters, cleaning ladies, etc to make our life more tolerable for my husband. I also shoulder the bigger share of child care. Still my husband is complaining and blaming me for everything, down to the dishes in the sink. Sometimes his words and actions are so hurtful and untruthful that I want to die myself. My husband and his family are very into meds and counseling, though those do not stop the daily torture. For my son’s sake, I hang on to my faith in God and live one day at time.
Being married to a depressed person is hell - and I will counsel my son to avoid getting involved with any woman who is chronically depressed. Sorry, but I’ve been through this for 16 years now, and am very near the end of my rope with respect to patience, understanding, and frankly carrying the burden she simply won’t/can’t carry (sole breadwinner, cook/shop, finances, much cleaning…). She also seems incapable of loving anyone other than our son - she does not love herself and has disdain for people in general. Thank God she is kind and loving to our son, otherwise things would be so much worse. She just has no energy left for anything or anyone else after that.
I understand this is a medical condition, and I’m not blaming her - but I cannot be a superhuman for ever, doing things for others my entire life and denying my own needs. I have one life to live, and I’m living it effectively as a slave to another person. The only reason I stay in it at this point is because of our young son - without me there on a daily basis I am afraid about how he would be raised (she doesn’t cook, for example, sleeps 10-12 hours a day…). I love him dearly and that is what keeps me putting so much in every day.
I’ve lost patience with the “you need to put up with it and help your spouse” articles. No - I don’t need to put up with it any longer than it takes to successfully raise our son. Then - I’m outta here.
My Husband and I have been married for 16 years and together for 19 years now. He was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 about 6 years ago. We have been on a rollercoaster. He will go thru times where they will switch his meds and he will be on cloud nine for a month or two and then slowly he is back to the cycling again and then fullblown depression. Poor guy. We would love to taper him off these and try from scratch again.
I would love to be able to talk to his pysch only because I see things that he doesn’t, but wondering is that is even allowed?
It is only God that gets us thru. Yes it affects me because I have osteoporosis in my hips and spine, have had several injuries to my back, and have Fibromyalgia so if he is going thru a bad time and I worry too much about him then my pain levels shoot thru the roof.
I love my Husband dearly and just want him to feel better. Thru it all he still manages to hold down a job though lately it has gotten so bad he would love to quit. In this economy that is not a good choice.
I worry worry worry to the point I am begin to question my own sanity-ha. I laugh, but really it is no laughing manner.
Being the caretaker of a loved one with depression is no picnic. It can be downright hell.
I feel pretty fortunate that my Husband does not burst out in anger though he gets grumpy, but never takes it out on my Daughter or I. He keeps pretty quiet and just stays in bed. That part is hard seeing him so down that he cannot get out of bed.
This illness affects the entire family, but I have to realize that is something that I have no control over and I just make sure he sees his doctor, takes his meds, gets out of the house on ocassion, eats well, and gets some exercise. I have to push him to do it.
I also have to take care of myself. I feel selfish for thinking of myself, but if I don’t I only get caught up in this drama and get down myself.
I just pray that one day they can find a fix all for this depression.
My husband of 10 years is also chronically depressed. He is also diagnosed with post traumatic stress syndrome. He has been on various meds but with little effect. We agreed that the side effects were just as bad as the depression, especially the withdrawals when going off a med that wasn’t effective. We are now separated. I had planned on staying together until our youngest child was 18, but then I realized that our child would think that this is what a “normal” marriage is supposed to be like…the wife acts as a single mother with only financial support from her husband, the husband spends little to no time with his wife and only spends time with his kids when the wife nags, the husband relies on the wife to handle all stressful situations (or those he just doesn’t feel like handling)…
Maybe I am fooling myself because I want out so badly, but it seems that the negative effects on the children of staying in a marriage where one spouse has a mental disorder are as bad as the negative effects of divorce. Any ideas/experience with this?
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Feb 2009
