Flashback to sixteen years old when I was desparately trying to get my Dad to understand why I was so angry with him. Today I can’t tell you what I was upset about. What sticks with me is the ‘Aha’ moment when my Dad told me to Stop Crying. Totally frustrated I said, “I cry, that’s what I do. Please just listen to what I’m saying.” And miracle of miracles, he did.
What I learned from this episode:
- I was done apologizing for my tears. Growing up I was constantly told crying was a weakness and to cut it out. Well, to hell with that.
- Crying has its cathartic quality but sometimes it can also be more of a reflex of the fight or flight variety, like shortness of breath or an increased heart rate.
- Some of us have a low tearfulness threshold and those who don’t have to put up with us and love us anyway.
Recently an article in the New York Times Science section, The Muddled Tracks of All Those Tears, brought this all back to me. Psychologist/scientists have collected data to support the idea that there is more to crying than meets the eye, so to speak. Like most natural phenomena, it’s more complicated than it looks.
One experiment studied a bunch of women watching “Steel Magnolias.” I may be wrong but it could be they were crying because they were so happy to have a rare afternoon off to watch a movie.
Hollywood would have us believe that crying in the therapy session is practically required. The Kleenex company had an entire ad campaign centered on cathartic crying with a guy and a red couch out on the street, with, of course, the ubiquitous box of tissues. (I always wondered about that guy’s credentials.) I’ve actually had patients apologize to me because they are not crying. And for crying, too. It’s not rare for someone to sob, “I don’t know why I’m crying.”
That’s OK. It’s all good. It’s like what Freud said about his cigar. Sometimes a tear is only a tear. And sometimes there may be a thought behind the tear worth looking at. Either way I’ve got the tissues ready.
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7 Comments to
“…I’ll Cry If I Want To”
Good stuff.
Oh, this describes me to a tee. I cry when I’m happy, sad, mad and everywhere in between. And, while I’ve know that about myself I still find it very frustrating that many people see it as a weakness. How does one deal with that?
The stigma won’t go away too soon but maybe we can help it along. We can start by not caring too much what ‘they’ think, stop apologizing, and, if you can speak (which is sometimes hard to do while crying) say something like, “It’s not my weakness that you squirm at the sight of a few tears.” If none of these work try poking them in the eye with stick and asking, “Gee, what are you crying about?”
your article started out so well.i wish you would have explained more on why crying is good.
I’m glad you guys email me, becacuse I have no idea about this subject.
Boo, to read more about why crying is good for you go to the link below about the health benefits of crying.
Here I was focused more on letting go of the stigma of crying and being OK with tears. I understand what you’re saying, though and thanks for the feedback!
link http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/02/kevin-keough-health-benefits-o.html
i also cry a lot
alone, when any thing go wrong when any body cold me when my kids doent come on time when i watch some imotionall scene exectra but there is no control of that on my self
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 4 Feb 2009
