Showtime’s new series about a woman living with multiple personalities, The United States of Tara, soon will be a hot topic of discussion. As someone who has been diagnosed with and lives with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) on a daily basis, I am thrilled to see a serious and also humorous dramatization of what living with DID is like, and I am looking forward to watching the plot develop. Showtime also provides links to credible and insightful websites relating to DID. I strongly recommend that anyone interested in this show explore these web sites with an open mind.
Dissociative identity disorder is not as rare as one would expect. Dr. Richard Kluft, the show’s psychiatric consultant, explains, “there are many DID patients that are so subtle and so disguised that their spouses, their co-workers, their friends don’t notice anything amiss for years and years and years and some are…over the top.” Tara is certainly “over the top.” Nonetheless Toni Collette’s portrayal of Tara accurately depicts the emotional experience of DID.
Most of us with DID do not have alters that appear as extreme as Tara’s. While our friends, family, or co-workers may find us moody and forgetful, rarely would they consider the possibility that we have DID/MPD. I prefer the term “multiple personality” to “dissociative identity disorder.” I tend to use the terms interchangeably, but for me, multiple feels right.
Every multiple has an intricate system connecting her alters, emotions, and awareness. Discovering how this system works is the challenge of recovery. Becoming aware of my various personalities has often been painful and occasionally paralyzing. On the other hand, DID has a positive side, one which I am having trouble letting go of.
Without a doubt I have accomplished a great deal because of — rather, in spite of — my ability to dissociate into various personalities. For example, I am fully capable of watching television, reading a book, and writing a lesson plan simultaneously. Throw in answering the nonstop questions of a toddler or five-year-old, and still, on a good day, I can do it all. Test me later on any of these activities and I will remember the details of them all — at least as long as I have access to the various parts of me who had participated.
About a year ago, someone I know (who has no idea I have DID) commented that it must be awfully strange to have multiple personalities and actually believe you are more than one person. The problem people with DID have, though, is not that they mistakenly believe they are more than one person, but that they literally have more than one “personality.” Because of the way DID rewires a person’s brain, it’s possible to suffer from the disorder for years and not even know it.
The Heart of Dissociative Identity Disorder
The heart of dissociative identity disorder lies not in personality, but in memory. DID is not an organic or chemical disorder but a creative coping mechanism that protects us from recalling trauma and terror experienced in the past. Unfortunately, this memory loss expands beyond just a particular incident or series of traumatic events.
A person with DID may find herself in the middle of a shopping mall with no idea how she got there. I remember finding clothes in my closet that I knew were not mine. I had definitely not bought them. Yet, they were my size. They were there. They certainly didn’t belong to my husband. That was terrifying. What if I had a brain tumor? Maybe it was early-onset Alzheimer’s? Maybe I was hallucinating? Or maybe I just forgot I bought them. Always I could convince myself I had just “forgotten” and then forget what I was so worried about. I would feel distracted and suddenly have to write or work out or watch TV or take a nap. Once I was accurately diagnosed and began to understand how my system worked, I understood that my memory gaps were the result of my “switching“ to different alters.
One of the scariest parts of living with DID is the blackouts. A “blackout” can last from seconds to hours. What is happening during this time is that whoever is present becomes overwhelmed for some reason and retreats. Alters generally take over in order to protect the “main” personality or the system as a whole. An alter may step in to protect the rest.
For example, I was at the doctor’s today. All weekend I have had chest pains and shortness of breath, but I have mainly written that off as allergies and the humid weather — maybe a little stress too. At any rate, I was seeing Dr. K to discuss the fact that I am gaining weight, more tired than usual, and irritable. I am thinking maybe it’s my thyroid. One of my alters, probably Victoria or Joanne (Victoria is the “perfect one” and Joanne is my “organizer/adminstrator”), must have told Dr. K about the chest pains. I have no memory of mentioning them to him, but he insisted on an EKG based on what I “told him.” I realized then that another part of me must have shared the information for the benefit of the “whole.”
My many parts are as much a blessing as a curse. Nonetheless, just keeping track of myself can be an exhausting, uphill battle. My brain, like a computer, sometimes works quickly and efficiently. It retrieves information from many different folders and files and feelings stored by my various selves. At other times, though, it slows down. Files become blocked. Sometimes I will freeze or get stuck in a loop. I need to hit “ctrl-alt-del” and use “task manager” to shut down. Then I can regroup and retrace where I’ve been.
The safeguards my mind has constructed create obstacles that can be difficult to maneuver. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the challenge of simply remembering where I am and what I am doing. Sometimes I find my emotional self trapped in one alter even though a different alter is out and controlling our actions. The younger parts of me are beginning to understand that even though they still “exist” per se, they no longer exist in the same form or physical body that they were in when they were born or became trapped.
One of the strangest effects of DID is what I call mirror shock. There are times when I am unable to recognize the person reflected at me from the mirror. I catch a glimpse of myself and I am shocked. “That’s not me,” I think. Then I realize that it is me even when it isn’t. Although I can see subtle changes in my facial features based on who is most present, my outward body doesn’t always match my inner construction.
The mind is a brilliant and beautiful creature. Mine has constructed itself in such a way that its various facets co-existed for many years without my even knowing it. As my therapy gradually unfolded and I began to learn more and more about DID the pieces of my life started falling into place. That “wow, this explains everything” moment of realization was proof at last that I wasn’t crazy; I was coping.
The way my system has been developing awareness and integrating feels natural. I am not pushing the process as much as I am allowing it to unfold. I worry, though, whether I will still be able to multitask the way I do once (if) I am fully integrated. Will I still be able to tap into the energy and resources switching alters provides me? Hopefully, The United States of Tara will examine that question.
The United States of Tara debuts tonight at 9:00pm ET on The Movie Network.
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Links to This Article
Survivors News and Reviews » Blog Archive » The United States of Tara (1/19/2009)
More Than I Can Chew Today « Hanna Lulu’s Blog (1/31/2009)
Mental clutter « Learning to Say Yes (3/11/2009)
Twitter - A Case of Multiple Personality Disorder « Advocate’s Studio (4/5/2009)
15 Comments to
“D.I.D. I Do That? Thoughts on Dissociative Identity Disorder”
I think the MOST painful aspect of mpd/did for me as someone who has this disorder is that my spouse literally and totally refuses to believe that this syndrome exists. This means He basically is calling me a liar is totally non-supportive of my struggles to heal and find a more functional way to live with the nightmare of my past.
Shows like this may do more to discredit those of us who are truly mpd/did and set back public acceptance of us - people who have struggled their entire lives with terror and misery from long-term abuse of many types and done by many abusers in our lives. This type of coping mechanism only starts when very small children are subjected to completely overwhelming pain, fear and trauma.
They call people who gain pleasure from other people’s experience of pain sadists, think about that when you watch this show.
Thanks for the interesting topic. I have treated many people with various memory problems related to dissociative states. I agree that it is real but am glad that it is not as “popular” as it used to be.
This title is really interesting.. Thank you so much for everything. I’m follower to this website from now on. Bye for now.
I read once that the problem with DID is not having more than one personality, but having less than one personality. My personality was so fragmented that I reacted to things without being aware of myself most of the time. Nothing was integrated into a single reflective self. Therapy has helped me so much. I don’t think this is a lifetime curse, like schizophrenia. DID is treatable with therapy. It’s a delight to finally have a personality and a person to call myself.
I had an episode in 2005 that really scared me. I’m diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so suicidal thoughts aren’t that unusual in that framework…but during a very stressful period, while in a suicidal depression, I went somewhere mentally and came back to find myself holding a box cutter to my wrist. I sort of recognized it as dissociative at the time, and it was frightening enough to convince me to get out of the horrible marriage that was causing that level of stress within a couple of days. I never mentioned it to my therapist because I really thought DID was so rare that it was like Eve, Sybil…and me?? In any case I’ve never had anything like that again. Seeing the show and then watching the video on sho.com did make me think about all this in a different light, though, especially the bit about rapid cycling (which I do) possibly being a misdiagnosis of DID. I’m not “ohmigod I have multiple personalities!!!11!” but it’s something to file away.
I have DID, though it was undiagnosed for 42 years, due to a co-existing seizure disorder that was thought to be the cause of my “eerieness” and “scares.” Many years after successful brain surgery, I had recurrences of the “eerieness” (turned out to be depersonalization and derealization) and “scares” (turned out to be panic attacks). Thankfully, I have a psychiatrist-cousin who diagnosed me correctly all those years later. I am in treatment now for my 10 alters (9 living, 1 “deceased”), and am using writing and art to help me express what I’m feeling. I have a wonderful therapist, and feel this is one of the biggest hurdles to overcome en route to integration.
I describe my system as a computer, too. We all have different user accounts and some files are shared no matter what user we’re logged on as, and some we can only access if we’re logged on at the same time. But sometimes 2 or more people can be… not logged on at the same time, but more than person can be watched the computer at the same time, I guess. I’ll have to catch this show on youtube whenever it starts getting uploaded.
You can go to sho.com and watch the first episode for free, if you want.
Thought the article was a well written description of how one person experiences DID.
While the diagnosis is controversial, one must remember what causes the DID in the first place. And that should not be controversial.
I have been diagnosed with DID and it truly makes sense, more so then the bipolar disorder that some psychiatrists have told me I have.
Dissociation is a coping mechanism that seems to have gotten a rotten review…cause it can be used in everyone’s life..Perhaps not as well defined as in non-abused peoples life but yet daydreaming is considered a form of dissociation. Who in their life has not daydreamed from time to time?
For me, I have integrated a lot of the different personalities and have co-existence with all of the other ones.
I don’t lose track of time and nothing real extreme happens.
DID is not to be feared. What needs to be feared is the trauma that actually causes the person to do the dissociation in the first place.
To me, this is one of the most interesting disorders out there. As a student majoring in Psychology, I found this article very interesting. Something that was previously pointed out was the fact that a person’s spouse refuses to believe this disorder exists. As someone who has studied Psychology, I am aware that D.I.D. does in fact exist. However, it is easy to see why someone would have doubts. I have been skeptical about this myself in the past. I also found the “mirror shock” concept very intriguing. The fact that a person could look in the mirror and not recognize themselves is a very bizarre and interesting concept.
I have seen the show.
I don’t think I know how it is to life in NY because I have seen Friends and Seinfeld. What war is like because I watched MASH. I don’t think Leave it to Beaver is an accurate representation of life in the 60’s or is Lassie.
I wonder if they are going to show the flashbacks to the rapes and deaths.
thank you Heather
It’s as though I’m reading my life’s story. I’m just seen by others as really weird and/or strange. Peace Out, P
MIrror Therapy:
with your eyes, start at top edge corner and follow outline of mirror, entirely. then look in.
actually, depends on ego(s) at the time. for me, i tend to skip certain areas (lose focus).
it can be comared to whose in the mirror seeing all of the ones looking in the mirror.
peace.
lovingly embrace all parts
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 19 Jan 2009
