Your advice was refreshing, you guide on how to address the situation in a healthy and positive manner.

Thanks~

I do believe it’s important to remove yourself from abusive behavior but while I am looking for a new position are there books or other resources to help keep up my self worth and spirit? Counseling is nice, but expensive and difficult when you have a job that’s taking over your life, children and the added responsibility of looking for new employment.

I found my way here because I, too, have such a boss. I am disappointed to have learned that in the U.K., there are laws protecting employees in this kind of situation but in the U.S., legislation has been introduced but remains unpassed.

After a 20+ year stellar professional history of accomplishment and recognition, I found my way to my first experience with a truly Bad Boss. She is generally abusive and demoralizing in her treatment of staff and in her leadership style, but I have been a favorite target. I sometimes think it is expressly because I am bright and capable that she has put to much into breaking me down.

Not surprisingly, the abuse has been escalating as time goes on. I have been actively looking for new work for many months, but of course this takes time. In the meantime, the worst incident with my boss by far happened in July. She was so vicious, disrespectful and humiliating in her open contempt that I have not the slightest delusion remaining that the situation can possibly do anything but get worse and worse more and more quickly, so I have redoubled my efforts to move on.

I don’t want to be driven to quit with no compensation for the abuse that has forced me out of job I once loved (in spite of her early, much more moderated abuse). I do not feel my family and I should lose income and benefits because a Bad Boss situation made it impossible for me to continue in this organization. In the meantme, I still have to cope with my boss.

I recently began to see a cognitive behavioral therapist about this problem, and what a great thing this was! He made me understand that my boss’ behavior is a reflection of HER feelings of gross inadequacy, which she projects onto others as a way of diverting attention from her own incompetence. He told me that I have to change my way of thinking about these things, to really know that this is about her craziness and has NOTHING to do with my personal and professional value.

Today I will confront my boss and give her an ultimatum. I plan to tell her that I will NOT quit, so she continues with convictions of my incompetence, we need to be working on a mutually satisfactory exit strategy NOW, with definite timelines, so she has reasonable time to reassign my key duties and so I can GET OUT (…with my unemployment benefits).

Wish me luck!

It’s quite uncanny how you’ve described my boss down to a T, and, like SpaceAgeSage, mine can completely bamboozle me with her combination of verbal skills & manipulation, that I always end up feeling totally inadequate and guilty, even though I’ve done all my work, and more. The only thing that’s kept me sane is my determination to find another job. If anyone else experiences this, don’t bother to think you can “change” things – this kind of boss is very comfortable in her power-base, and will make sure that nothing changes, other than to increase her power and status, at the expense of everyone else. Move on and up – leave her in her rut.

I finally did contact a lawyer and have subsequently filed an EEOC complaint. After these few months all my knowledge, skill, and experience has been disregarded as important and I am constantly being bombarded with a “frat house” atmosphere or “sports bar” without the beer. One man does college homework during work hours and constantly talks telling jokes and will put his phone on DND and of course my phone picks up the calls. The thing is, is that I did address this whith the director but not much has changed. School is starting again for him and I am waiting to see if he does homework again. If he does then I will know that she did not address it with him.

Anyway, I recognize that I need to move on to another job but for a 47 yo single woman it is difficult. I also recognize that I am slowly losing sight of who I used to be on my job and the difference I made in the company is fading out of sight. I had actually had a discusion in May with the president of the company and informed him of how much I loved my job and that I had only been used to factory labor and now I had my dream job. I thought that he understood where I was coming from but I was wrong.

I hope to find another job soon.

My tipoff came very early. I was given an office previously used by someone outside the dept .. she informed me she had had a lock installed on the door to feel safe there.

4 breakdowns in the space of 5 months in a dept of 9.

I managed to avoid being the subject of his tantrums for an amazing 3 years (found out later that i actually hold the record for the longest period of time anyone has ever worked for him –the general time limit was about 6 months). What happened to end my employment?

He pulled a tantrum of course. I put the firm on notice that if he ever came into my office again and grabbed the phone out of my hand and a file out of the other, i would not limit my complaint to the shareholders. I would dial the police and have him charged. He got chewed out, was given notice to ‘move on,’ and fired me as one of his last acts.

Others handled him differently. One refused to close her door, and if he came into her office and started up, she’d simply say: “i really don’t have time to deal with this. Please go to the gym and run and check back with me later.”

(with another boss, i found myself saying “look, i realize it is 9:30, you’ve finished the WSJ and it’s time for you to get into an argument, then get a coke and get to work, but i’m just not in the mood so how about just skipping the argument part and just go get yourself a Coke.” I said all of this with my back to the clock. I saw his eyes glance there, saw a whiff of embarrassment — it was precisely 9:30. he did as i asked and never tried it again with me)

Strong, independent women were far more likely to be the brunt of abusive men in the workplace years ago to a degree not understood now. Often HR depts would deliberately find capable, confident women and deliberately pair them up with abusive bosses operating on the assumption that the bosses would be intimidated into ‘behaving’ and that timid women would be damaged more seriously. Obviously, not the best plan in the world, then or now. Like firing the man never occurred to anyone?

I recommend to all people with an abusive boss, that if your conscious says his behavior is not right, listen to it. Find a new job and move on…. You will be happy you did.