Comments on: You Can Only Change Yourself

By: virbots

virbots — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 20:26:33 +0000

There is only one person I can change: myself. And as it turns out, even that is hard.

I’ve become very cautious in giving advice to others; even when someone solicits it, they almost never follow it. What more if it isn’t solicited?

By: Jack

Jack — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 05:58:17 +0000

I didn’t get that from the article at all. A bully is going to bully, and a cheating spouse is going to cheat sooner or later. What I got from this article is that even the most brilliant psychologist in the world is not going to change people like this unless they want to change. So I agree with you. If it’s an isolated case of a bully, I say punch his lights out. If you’ve always had successful relationships in the past but this one person cheats, dump their a$$. But if you find yourself being bullied a lot, or never had a partner who didn’t cheat, or every boss you’ve had takes advantage of you, it’s probably time to start looking inward, and ask yourself why. You can’t change them you can only change you.

By: kaladus

kaladus — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 07:26:37 +0000

I am not sure but i think this post was only trying to bring to your attention that most of us neglect trying to change ourselves as it is easier to blame others as opposed to how to deal with bully’s. Blaming others and only reacting offensively to problems is another possible way of playing the victim by the way. Just taking the punishment is only one way of being a victim. There are many. Some situations require drastic action and some don’t. some are worth it and some are not.The two important questions is 1. what is easier and more realistic to change , someone elses actions,thoughts and beliefs or your own actions and beliefs?2. what are you trying to accomplish? Will screaming/talking to/at your boss give you what result exactly?get them to stop or get you fired. then maybe quitting and moving jobs is a better and equally drastic option as screaming at your boss but the outcome of not having a boss abusing without being fired is a better result.Whenever you want to stand up for yourself just ask what am i trying to accomplish and realistically what will the results be?Dont be a victim but pick your battles carefully and you will find changing yourself or your reactions often has far better and easier results.my cubicle mate at work is annoying , ok i tell him to stop nicely and look at results. no results ok i ask my boss if i can move because i feel it can help. screaming at him probably wont work so why bother?Or why not learn a little patients and just ignore it? The point is you can change how you feel and think about things and sometimes taking a drastic action like quitting , putting up with it or accepting it may yield better results than expecting the other person to do any of those things and then being frustrated when they don’t care. lets face it. technically anybody can do whatever they like , fair has nothing to do with it but they will bear the consequences of their actions ………the sad thing is some don’t.But you are wasting your energy being the bringer of justice all the time. Its like arguing with a irrational person , ask yourself whats the point and why are you wasting your energy?its not like they are going to change their point of view regardless of how rational your argument is. they dont care. their irrational. so your wasting your energy shouting at them and walking away may just be a better option.

By: sluwiggey

sluwiggey — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 01:21:25 +0000

I have found a rock. The rock is in me and not in others opinions. I am not the popular guy nor the one sought out. I am broken but “they” don’t give a rip. That is fine. I will live in my bubble and be happy I have a bubble. I don’t try to impart my views to others but seek others with similar views. I haven’t found any willing to be open with who they are so I will remain bubbled. Bubbled is not a bad thing, you don’t fight and are able to choose who to let in. I let in my dog.

By: sluwiggey

sluwiggey — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 01:16:09 +0000

Since you can’t change her digging and she is your boss, You have to make the decision if the job is worth the punishment. You can only control where you go to work. If the environment is not pleasant, You need to find a different job. It is a harsh reality but have you read your repply. Mentioning her point of view. Go back and read your repply then take action and change you not others.

By: Sweet Violet

Sweet Violet — Mon, 02 May 2011 13:57:48 +0000

While I agree that you cannot (and should not try to) change another person’s behaviour, this article is basically useless because it gives no advice whatsoever regarding stopping pernicious, bullying, even dangerous behaviours that others may foist upon us.

From schoolyard bullies to aggressive siblings to narcissistic parents to irrational bosses to stalking co-workers, the world is FULL of people whose behaviours not only annoy others but pose threats either physically or psychologically. To tell us to shut up about speaking out against those behaviours is tantamount to saying “be a good little victim,” a totally WRONG way to handle cheating spouses, out-of-control teenss predatory neighbours, and a host of others whose behaviours will only escalate if not firmly and regularly objected to.

DO NOT shut up in the face of people abusing you, not even at the risk of becoming a nag. Better a nag than an acquiescent victim.

By: worked for a bully

worked for a bully — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 17:35:06 +0000

The sadistic boss descriptive caught my eye. This is my personal experience. I tried to approach her professionally, I tried to get her boss to resuce me, then his boss then HR. At each turn I was disciplined, to the point of nearly getting fired on 3 occasions. She wanted me gone, not just out the door but she tried to destroy my professional reputation, my personal life, my financial solvency, it was bad! She is a bully with a history of trying to destroy a long list of employees. I was seroulsly stressed and I thought I was controlling my anger and stress and frustration by wrting out how I felt about these people. Unfortunatly I tossed them in the garbage at work and the boss had her cronies fish them out and replant them in my work space. Then they “found” them and now I am considered the “person with the problem”. In therapy with a therapist of their choosing. How is it that it is my ego and not hers, how is it that she can bully me and it is okay but if I try to express my anger in an inert way it is considered inappropriate.

By: Judy

Judy — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 10:22:11 +0000

Nice post! How do I react if it’s my father that is mistreating me? Do I get up and leave? Or do I ignore the situation?

By: Dngrwill

Dngrwill — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 18:34:23 +0000

If you want to change yourself, I would suggest Cognitive Behavior Therapy. CPT is a way to control your thinking so you don’t get stuck (or can get unstuck). CBT also has hard scientific evidence that it can and does work. The book ‘Feeling Good’ by David Burns is a great place to start.

By: Yacine

Yacine — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 19:48:38 +0000

i think, the first thing to change the world is start with yourself, and your way to think about something, such trying to change others. in my own changinf yourself is the first step …

By: K.

K. — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 05:15:04 +0000

I would say one cannot change oneself, one can only change others. Because youu know everything about yourself and cannot give yourself information critical enough to change yourself. It is rather more likely that you will be changed by others. If you would so called change yourself it only means you let the side that has always been in you to take the wheel but to be truly changed, someone else has to step in.

By: bullmarket

bullmarket — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 11:42:25 +0000

This is a very nice thought but what it encourages is apathetic behavior. Don’t try to change the world. Don’t try to change other people. If a company insists on dumping dangerous chemicals into your towns drinking water, don’t try to change them. This is ridiculous. While it may be an appropriate philosophy to combine with the idea of picking your battles, the idea of only changing yourself and believing that others can never be changed is depressing. Someone out there has to fight for people’s rights and that someone better not believe that they can only change themselves. Otherwise, they will not get very far.

By: ipeh

ipeh — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 19:57:49 +0000

ya,i rather change my self than other,cuz that would be better..

By: Shamash

Shamash — Sat, 03 Oct 2009 10:59:44 +0000

Thanks for a great post!

By: veda

veda — Tue, 12 May 2009 13:10:12 +0000

Yes – One needs to change oneself in order to get out of a coercive situation… when you have been let yourself be the ‘Object’ to others in the sense of pbject of complaint. object of ridicule. object of censuring etc… all in the name of ‘ignoring them’… IT takes the courage to ‘stop being anything to do with those folks’ ,,, In othr words you will have ‘got subjective’… and that is the only solution.

The change in you might bring about a change in others as towards you.