Today is a day to talk about something people don’t talk about often enough.
When I attempted suicide I was staying in my mom’s basement, temporarily, and I decided it was the final move. I was very depressed, and I didn’t talk about it at all (except to thousands of anonymous faces on the Internet). She didn’t want to read about my disorder, and neither did my stepfather. There was a language barrier. And a willingness - they had their own idea of what bipolar was and didn’t want that challenged.
I had been depressed a long time and part of it was chronic, intrusive ruminating about suicide. Aching to do it, and having to talk myself down. It was a constant struggle in a bleak existence and it seemed a bottle of pills could get me out.
But with suicide, you’re not ending your pain, you’re giving it to someone else.
My mom and I had had problems and all, but I didn’t want that to make her feel guilty. It was not her fault. It’s nobody’s fault, just my own decision, in the end. Ten minutes after taking the pills I changed my mind and called 911. When the ambulance arrived I was losing consciousness, and I woke up three days later in the intensive care unit. Then another ward. Waking again, mom at my side holding my arm, not looking me in the eye. She tells me that they’ve decided (she means he has) to boot me out of the house. She tells me lies for reasons.
I stayed in the locked ward for five days, three of those in a suicide room. A padded room with no fixtures, no furniture, just a mattress and an unrippable blanket I shivered under despite its thickness. There was a video camera in the top corner of the ceiling aimed down to take in the whole room, barely bigger than the mattress. I wondered who was watching. Just nurses?
Then I was gone, transferred to the unlocked ward and free to roam the halls as I arranged new living arrangements on the outside. It took longer to recover from the depressive episode but I no longer felt the acute urge to die. I was glad to be alive as things changed.
The betrayal I felt post-suicide attempt, facing a lack of education by my family, could have been prevented. We could have made contracts, shared information, and worked together. Sought help and psychoeducation. Instead they covered their ears and I didn’t speak, until it became a trauma for all of us.
That’s why on World Suicide Prevention Day we have to speak up, to tell our stories and reach out to those who are isolated. If you’ve been sort of thinking about it, read this first. If you feel an imminent urge to kill yourself, call 911 and go to an emergency room. I found that suicide is an impulsive thing, and you can endure by dealing with those impulses until things change. It always changes. Want help? Call 1-800-SUICIDE or another of many resources. There is help and hope.
(12 votes, average: 4.83 out of 5)
Loading ...You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Links to This Article
Survivors News and Reviews » Blog Archive » World Suicide Prevention Day (9/10/2008)
Αυτοκτονία: μια σκοτεινή πραγματικότητα « Ψυχολογειν (9/11/2008)
11 Comments to
“World Suicide Prevention Day”
Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve passed this around to my friends. Suicide is so had to discuss . . .
Thank you for posting this. My daughter is 12 and has made several suicidal gestures and has been hospitalized twice (including right now) for severe depression. Today I finally told a group of co-workers about her illness (so they don’t think I just randomly run out of the office a lot). I’m trying to educate myself, my family and my friends about preventing suicide.
I have a similar situation. I have three chronic illnesses that cause pain and fatigue. Depression is one of them. I have been married to a wonderful Christian man for a year and a half. My suicide attempt came about five years ago. The depression was overwhelming. I lived and was glad that I did. I have relatives and friends similar to your’s. They believe if they don’t have to talk about it then it just goes away.
Please if anyone comes to you and tells you they are thinking about ending their life take it SERIOUSLY. It is imperative that they see a doctor immediately. They are hurting so badly and professional help is the only thing that will give them back their urge to want to live.
I’m 64 years old, overweight, diabetic, have had 8 major surgeries in 3 years, severe heart problems, and hurt all the time. Medical bills have wiped out any savings and even with insurance I owe about 75,000. I have a full time job, 10 grandcildren and I’m just tired of being tired. My father commited suicide when I was 14, I can’t do that to my family. But I’m tired, very tired.
Thanks everyone. Jerre, I hear depression in your words and think you could benefit from some professional help. It can get better. Please call the hotline, look in PsychCentral’s directory and/or talk to your doctor for a referral.
I think grandchildren (depending how young) are more open to learn about coping with suicide than your peers, and maybe they could help you with this. I’m sure they love you and want to see you well.
Dear Jerre,
Just hang in there. We are here praying for you. Take one day at a time, one task at a time, one minute at a time… you will go through these.
Just curious, about the $75,000, have you talked to your hospital about your financial difficulties? Some hospitals have programs help patients waive their bills.
Best of luck,
Jackie
how can we councelling sucide …to prevent thim to take way at life as it beauty ..?
how can we guidance people to live with peace concept …as part of life not just words ..?
Thanks for the story. I know how you feel. I went through General Anxiety Disorder, OCD, and Depression for 5 years with out telling any one and I got as far as you. The topic needs to be addressed alot more.
I’ve failed to get dead from suicide. I gave it my very best shot, though. I having been thinking about the comment life being peace and beauty. I am truly happy the world is that for you. It is not for me. I’ve had mental illness since I was 12; now I’m 55 and I now have 2 traumatic brain injuries (not my fault), tardive dyskinisia and permanent akathisia, sensory neuropathy and a master’s degree that I cannot work in that field (brain injury). none of it matters but I am totally FED UP WITH MENTAL ILLNESS. I have no interest in living, surviving, there is nothing I want. Can anyone tell me how one finds motivation.
Im not sure, but I seek motivation too. I tried suicide my freshman yr of college I tried to overdose on my dads meds for myansthinia gravis…i took 15 pills at once and went to sleep, but woke up alive, i figured there must be a reason for me being here but i dont know what, i go to bed each night, scared and i feel alone even though i am here with my family, my birth mother and her family suffer from various mental illnesses, but i soo badly do not want to be her! I just want to know what to do, what can I do to be better?
Hi. I’m writing from The Jed Foundation which works nationally to reduce the rate of suicide and the prevalence of emotional distress among college and university students. We are presenting The Jerry Greenspan Student Voice of Mental Health Award for college students who have had mental health issues like the one’s you write about on your site and wanted for you to help spread the word.
The award is for a video on their experiences with mental health issues and how they are working to raise awareness and encourage their peers on the issue. The award includes a $2,000 scholarship, a trip to NYC to our annual gala in June 2009, recognition through our site and events and possibly appearing on MTVU. The info is on our site (link below).
We are interested in having you post the information on your blog. We are also interested in having folks write about the importance of doing work like this and show casing, if you will, this award we are presenting.
Thank you so much for your time and feel free to email me. I’d like to talk further about how we can work together.
http://jedfoundation.org/programs/student-voice-of-mental-health-award
Eman Rimawi
Join the Conversation! Post a Comment:
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 10 Sep 2008
