Why does he make me feel this way?
What was going through my mother’s head when said such hurtful things to me?
Can’t my boss tell that his words cut me down and make me feel so small?
These are examples of our thinking sometimes when we feel hurt, ashamed, or angry – that the other person or some external event is making us feel the way we do. But is it? Can someone else make us feel a certain way? Can an event in our life directly cause us to feel a specific way?
Michael Edelstein, in his book Three Minute Therapy, argues the line of cognitive-behaviorists and rational emotive therapists have argued for decades. External events and people cannot make us feel any one certain way, even though it often seems that way.
We enter into every situation with certain beliefs or expectations. Those beliefs and expectations directly influence the way we are going to end up feeling about the event or person. Here’s an example Dr. Edelstein provides from Chapter 1 of his book:
Suppose a hundred airplane passengers are unexpectedly given parachutes and instructed to jump from the plane. If a physical situation alone could cause emotions, then all the hundred people would feel the same way. But obviously those who regard skydiving positively are going to have a [reaction] very different from the others.
In other words, our beliefs and expectations about a person or event or situation directly influence and, many would argue, cause our feelings. They are not the result of or inherent in of the situation itself. Others do not cause our feelings — we cause them ourselves.
This turns out to be great news, because that means that we have control of our feelings, much like we have control over other choices we make in our life. That also means that psychotherapy that focuses on helping a person overcome their belief system that’s causing them so much pain or distress in their lives is short-term and more solution-focused.
Your feelings come from your thinking. This doesn’t mean that if you tell yourself everything is fine and you have no problems, then you will feel fine and your problems will disappear. [Rational emotive and cognitive behavioral methods do not] recommend “thinking positively,” telling yourself to cheer up, or fondly dwelling on comfortable images that everything is wonderful.
The advice glibly offered to emotional sufferers, such as “Worrying doesn’t do any good, so why worry?,” is usually of little help because the anxious person doesn’t know how to stop worrying. Such a person has a definite system of beliefs, which has become a fixed dogma, and which automatically generates distress. Without attacking and changing that system of beliefs, there will probably be little progress in reducing anxiety. But the sufferer doesn’t think much about the system of beliefs, doesn’t consider that the beliefs might be questionable, and doesn’t notice how the beliefs lead to counterproductive and self-destructive behavior.
To start on the path to healthy thought patterns, it’s first necessary to identify the sufferer’s system of beliefs. This isn’t a lengthy process of excavating “unconscious” memories. Usually a few minutes of asking simple questions will elicit a person’s faulty thinking.
Sound too good to be true? It’s really not. This is the foundation of most modern psychotherapy as practiced today (cognitive behavioral or rational emotive therapies). These concepts have been empirically tested in hundreds of research studies and shown to be effective in helping a person become empowered over their own beliefs, which directly influence their feelings.
So next time you’re feeling down about someone’s comment to you, or a situation that “made you” feel awful, consider that the pain and distress you are feeling is in your hands. And so is the solution.
Want to learn more? Check out Michael Edelstein’s book, Three Minute Therapy: Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life.
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10 Responses to “We Are Responsible for Our Own Feelings” (Pingbacks/trackbacks not shown below)
Dano MacNamarrah at 8:57 pm on
August 30th, 2008
I count three women as the most important people in my life: My mother, my best friend of twenty years and my therapist, Doctor Ruth Greenberg.
Ruth was one of the first students of Aaron Beck, a brilliant man, who started a movement that we now call “Cognitive Therapy”.
When I first met her, she had me take an evaluation, that figured out where my views about myself and my world were skewed. Among my “negative schema’s” were extreme shame, guilt and low self-esteem.
Diagnosed as Bipolar II, with Borderline traits, which the latter I believe was due to my serious self-injury, I learned and continue to learn in my weekly sessions with Ruth.
I am able to express my emotions after a life-time of repressing them. I can even at times take pride in myself, ignoring the inner voice whispering “Pride comes before a fall.” I can believe now, that not everything is my fault, which is a demented form of hubris.
When my mind becomes too twisted to understand this, and I’m seeing things that are not of this world, it is then that this therapy fails. For my meds have failed me, which in turn, fails my hope.
Dr. G,
CBT and RET certainly have something valuable to contribute, but taken too far the notion that thoughts, beliefs, and expectations come first, then cause or drive feelings and emotions — this strikes me as WAY too simplistic. Forget about the difficulties involved in trying to define thoughts and beliefs as things, separate from these other things called feelings, then “causing” processes to happen, like a table of billiard balls. It’s easy to get bogged down in philosophy though, and the bottom line is that CBT and RET
techniques do help many people effectively deal with many issues. But we all have experiences on a daily basis, do we not, when it seems more the case that feelings come first, then the thoughts, like when an attractive person gets our hearts beating, or when we get frightened by a wild animal.
P.S. I greatly appreciate what you do here. I have long considered you the finest psychology blogger on the web. Rock on!
aaron at 11:56 pm on
September 1st, 2008
this is excellent news. now i can be an asshole guilt-free and when someone complains that i’m hurting them, i’ll respond with: “actually, you’re hurting yourself; get over it.”
Wendy Aron at 11:44 am on
September 2nd, 2008
The most difficult part of this process is identifying your negative thoughts, which are so ingrained that a depressive hardly ever notices them and just starts feeling awful about what is happening in their lives. Once you identify the thoughts you can work toward challenging them.
Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression, Conquered My Fears and Found Happiness
Now On Sale at Amazon!
badur at 4:40 pm on
September 2nd, 2008
Hello,
I am wondering why cognitivists despise psychoanalytical therapies so much. I’ve been through a psychoanalytical therapy and came up with (partly) the same conclusion about feelings and thinking that cognitive therapies are stating. I belive it’s just a stupid theoretical war that therapist who care about people don’t take in consideration (because you cannot be doctrine-religious and a good therapist)
The thing with a book like “3 minutes therapy” is I would never buy it because of the title (sounds like all self help bullshit), and because of ideas like - change your mind, change your feelings. But my mind and my feelings is myself, it’s self insulting to hear this statement.
JC at 11:22 am on
September 3rd, 2008
This is just not true. This flies in the face of our current understanding about how the brain works. Thoughts do not drive emotions. Emotions come first, especially intense ones. That said, CBT can and does help some people, but often people who are less distressed and whose problems are not long-standing. The practice and theory of CBT does have an empathy problem. There’s no way of getting around it. If empathy were central, then the therapy would be more relational and client-centered.
CBT can also be offensive to those whose problems have been foisted on them somehow but manifest symptoms that the therapist then tries to treat with CBT. CBT labels all but the most optimistic thoughts distorted or irrational.
Its astounding to me how this therapy has gained such a footing in our mental health system (despite the obvious reasons why). And its proponents continuously over-represent the evidence base for this therapy. It is almost literally perceived as a panacea, being studied for things like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which is actually a medical disorder.
I cringe every time I hear someone say that thoughts drive emotions. Its is ridiculously simple and is not even rational. A perfect example is a previous commenters post above. (See above)
Ronald Brill at 12:55 pm on
September 3rd, 2008
Taking responsibility for our feelings is not just a therapy intervention issue. It also is the key factor in my work teaching brain-based coping skills in schools and community education programs. As an Emotional Health Educator, the programs I’ve developed are preventative and asset-development focused. I have collected pre- and post-project self-assessments evaluating education projects with kids that shows incredible gains in coping confidence and self-acceptance. Our six-year demonstration and research program promotes self-discipline using less than 3-hrs. of classroom time. This educational approach has been evaluated by aggregating results by age, class and gender.
Why teach healthy coping skills and brain function literacy to 700 pre-teens (grades 4-6)? Taking responsibility for one’s feelings (and behavior) is part of strengthening one’s self-management of common stressful and upsetting emotional experiences. These are LIFE SKILLS that once learn become imbedded brain patterns that strengthen emotional resilience and self-acceptance throughout life. My book on this process, “Emotional Honesty & Self-Acceptance: Education Strategies for Preventing Violence” advocates emotional health education approaches in which we learn the relationship between “emotions” and “feelings.” This is a critical distinction that informs us about what we can change and what we can’t.
I have come to believe that “Feelings are the subjective interpretation of our emotional experiences.” Emotions originating in the brain limbic system are interpreted by our reasoning and thinking neocortex. These are two distinct types of brain functions. That’s why we teach brain-function literacy so students as young as 9-yrs. old can begin building brain-based coping competence that enables them to deal with their coming teenage years ruled by brain and behavior changes about which most kids, their teachers and parents have little familiarity. It is through education that we can give our children the tools to regulate brain impulses that help them “honor” and take responsibility for their feelings. Once they understand these processes they will use them to diminish the inevitable torment and angst during adolescence.
Suzanne at 3:59 pm on
September 3rd, 2008
I’m obviously not as educated as you all & have no book to sell, but I have been under treatment with a combo of medications for bipolar I disorder for 10 years & am thankful for the new medications available. My mother also had bipolar & committed suicide when I was a teenager.
I had several attempts myself but with medication & individual therapy & dialectical behavioral therapy I am trying to treat BOTH sides of the equation: the biochemical & emotional/psychological issues I have that are impairing my ability to enjoy & function to the fullest extent possible (though having that higher quality of life is definitely my goal).
I beg to differ with the previous poster who stated that thoughts do not drive emotions–that emotions occur first. In my case–JUST THE OPPOSITE. I have thoughts (& have had delusional thoughts that have been alleviated with medication) that lead to emotions but the “normal” range of emotions don’t stay with me. The emotions escalate very quickly into intense, overwhelming feelings which lead me to doing irrational acts (such as overdoses) to try to alleviate the emotional pain. Through the DBT therapy/classes I am learning techniques to pause, institute mindfulness & breathing techniques & try to employ rational thinking instead of automatically jumping to my natural emotional response to “triggers.”
I am 54 years old & just beginning to learn how to manage my emotional turmoil but I have hope with the medications that have helped with the paranoia & delusional thinking & now with the DBT to help judge whether my thoughts (which lead to the incredible emotions) are rational or not.
I have not had a suicide attempt in 2 years. I hate to say it, but in my case that is “successful.”
Carmella Broome at 7:44 pm on
October 19th, 2008
So many theories just seem to use different words for similar things. I do agree that CBT often is lacking in empathy and the experiential component. I believe there needs to be both, and I sometimes pull more from either one side or the other but seek for a balance. If someone doesn’t think I am trying to understand them, they aren’t going to be very open to any feedback I offer. Taking on such a process is hard work and people are making themselves vulnerable to me asking for help. That deserves a certain amount of gentleness and seeking to help them feel “safe” to talk about these things.
No matter what a person has been through, though, I am generally very pro responsibility and no one “makes you” anything. I want people to not give away their power and to realize they have more choice than they think. This is because I do care and want them healthier. I talk a lot with people about boundaries and protecting what is theirs emotionally by not letting themselves get all confused and involved in what is someone else’s emotional junk.
Emotions are important, though. God gave them to us for a reason or two. One of the things I always appreciated about Murray Bowen was that he never said he wanted people to be so able to work from a place of clear thinking and never have feelings. He simply said he wanted people not to be ruled by their feelings and react based on feelings. I love DBT because it allows for feelings while still saying we can choose how to manage them. This chicken or thing is not as relevant to me as helping people understand they don’t have to be controlled by feelings.
I read an article recently that presented this same idea in slightly different language. The point was that, whether we have an instant physical or emotional reaction or not, we can choose how to behave and that this choice will largely be based on how we make meaning of something. The article is by David Steele, MFT and relationship coach. He used the example of fact vs interpretation. “The sky is blue” is fact. “The sky is pretty and it is a beautiful day” is a judgment based on the fact. Our judgments of, or interpretations of, facts, get us in trouble. If we stick to the fact and consider the range of possible reasons or meanings, we are more able to suspend judgment and not automatically jump to anger or hurt feelings. People decide what they think something means and act on that assumption.
I love the idea of teaching classes for pre teens. So many of the adolescents I work with don’t have skills for managing their emotions. I wish they’d had some ability to learn these things before the hyperemotionality and raging hormones took over. Adults in their lives often don’t handle their emotions well either. We could all do a better job with this stuff, I guess.
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I count three women as the most important people in my life: My mother, my best friend of twenty years and my therapist, Doctor Ruth Greenberg.
Ruth was one of the first students of Aaron Beck, a brilliant man, who started a movement that we now call “Cognitive Therapy”.
When I first met her, she had me take an evaluation, that figured out where my views about myself and my world were skewed. Among my “negative schema’s” were extreme shame, guilt and low self-esteem.
Diagnosed as Bipolar II, with Borderline traits, which the latter I believe was due to my serious self-injury, I learned and continue to learn in my weekly sessions with Ruth.
I am able to express my emotions after a life-time of repressing them. I can even at times take pride in myself, ignoring the inner voice whispering “Pride comes before a fall.” I can believe now, that not everything is my fault, which is a demented form of hubris.
When my mind becomes too twisted to understand this, and I’m seeing things that are not of this world, it is then that this therapy fails. For my meds have failed me, which in turn, fails my hope.
Dr. G,
CBT and RET certainly have something valuable to contribute, but taken too far the notion that thoughts, beliefs, and expectations come first, then cause or drive feelings and emotions — this strikes me as WAY too simplistic. Forget about the difficulties involved in trying to define thoughts and beliefs as things, separate from these other things called feelings, then “causing” processes to happen, like a table of billiard balls. It’s easy to get bogged down in philosophy though, and the bottom line is that CBT and RET
techniques do help many people effectively deal with many issues. But we all have experiences on a daily basis, do we not, when it seems more the case that feelings come first, then the thoughts, like when an attractive person gets our hearts beating, or when we get frightened by a wild animal.
P.S. I greatly appreciate what you do here. I have long considered you the finest psychology blogger on the web. Rock on!
this is excellent news. now i can be an asshole guilt-free and when someone complains that i’m hurting them, i’ll respond with: “actually, you’re hurting yourself; get over it.”
The most difficult part of this process is identifying your negative thoughts, which are so ingrained that a depressive hardly ever notices them and just starts feeling awful about what is happening in their lives. Once you identify the thoughts you can work toward challenging them.
Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression, Conquered My Fears and Found Happiness
Now On Sale at Amazon!
Hello,
I am wondering why cognitivists despise psychoanalytical therapies so much. I’ve been through a psychoanalytical therapy and came up with (partly) the same conclusion about feelings and thinking that cognitive therapies are stating. I belive it’s just a stupid theoretical war that therapist who care about people don’t take in consideration (because you cannot be doctrine-religious and a good therapist)
The thing with a book like “3 minutes therapy” is I would never buy it because of the title (sounds like all self help bullshit), and because of ideas like - change your mind, change your feelings. But my mind and my feelings is myself, it’s self insulting to hear this statement.
This is just not true. This flies in the face of our current understanding about how the brain works. Thoughts do not drive emotions. Emotions come first, especially intense ones. That said, CBT can and does help some people, but often people who are less distressed and whose problems are not long-standing. The practice and theory of CBT does have an empathy problem. There’s no way of getting around it. If empathy were central, then the therapy would be more relational and client-centered.
CBT can also be offensive to those whose problems have been foisted on them somehow but manifest symptoms that the therapist then tries to treat with CBT. CBT labels all but the most optimistic thoughts distorted or irrational.
Its astounding to me how this therapy has gained such a footing in our mental health system (despite the obvious reasons why). And its proponents continuously over-represent the evidence base for this therapy. It is almost literally perceived as a panacea, being studied for things like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which is actually a medical disorder.
I cringe every time I hear someone say that thoughts drive emotions. Its is ridiculously simple and is not even rational. A perfect example is a previous commenters post above. (See above)
Taking responsibility for our feelings is not just a therapy intervention issue. It also is the key factor in my work teaching brain-based coping skills in schools and community education programs. As an Emotional Health Educator, the programs I’ve developed are preventative and asset-development focused. I have collected pre- and post-project self-assessments evaluating education projects with kids that shows incredible gains in coping confidence and self-acceptance. Our six-year demonstration and research program promotes self-discipline using less than 3-hrs. of classroom time. This educational approach has been evaluated by aggregating results by age, class and gender.
Why teach healthy coping skills and brain function literacy to 700 pre-teens (grades 4-6)? Taking responsibility for one’s feelings (and behavior) is part of strengthening one’s self-management of common stressful and upsetting emotional experiences. These are LIFE SKILLS that once learn become imbedded brain patterns that strengthen emotional resilience and self-acceptance throughout life. My book on this process, “Emotional Honesty & Self-Acceptance: Education Strategies for Preventing Violence” advocates emotional health education approaches in which we learn the relationship between “emotions” and “feelings.” This is a critical distinction that informs us about what we can change and what we can’t.
I have come to believe that “Feelings are the subjective interpretation of our emotional experiences.” Emotions originating in the brain limbic system are interpreted by our reasoning and thinking neocortex. These are two distinct types of brain functions. That’s why we teach brain-function literacy so students as young as 9-yrs. old can begin building brain-based coping competence that enables them to deal with their coming teenage years ruled by brain and behavior changes about which most kids, their teachers and parents have little familiarity. It is through education that we can give our children the tools to regulate brain impulses that help them “honor” and take responsibility for their feelings. Once they understand these processes they will use them to diminish the inevitable torment and angst during adolescence.
I’m obviously not as educated as you all & have no book to sell, but I have been under treatment with a combo of medications for bipolar I disorder for 10 years & am thankful for the new medications available. My mother also had bipolar & committed suicide when I was a teenager.
I had several attempts myself but with medication & individual therapy & dialectical behavioral therapy I am trying to treat BOTH sides of the equation: the biochemical & emotional/psychological issues I have that are impairing my ability to enjoy & function to the fullest extent possible (though having that higher quality of life is definitely my goal).
I beg to differ with the previous poster who stated that thoughts do not drive emotions–that emotions occur first. In my case–JUST THE OPPOSITE. I have thoughts (& have had delusional thoughts that have been alleviated with medication) that lead to emotions but the “normal” range of emotions don’t stay with me. The emotions escalate very quickly into intense, overwhelming feelings which lead me to doing irrational acts (such as overdoses) to try to alleviate the emotional pain. Through the DBT therapy/classes I am learning techniques to pause, institute mindfulness & breathing techniques & try to employ rational thinking instead of automatically jumping to my natural emotional response to “triggers.”
I am 54 years old & just beginning to learn how to manage my emotional turmoil but I have hope with the medications that have helped with the paranoia & delusional thinking & now with the DBT to help judge whether my thoughts (which lead to the incredible emotions) are rational or not.
I have not had a suicide attempt in 2 years. I hate to say it, but in my case that is “successful.”
So many theories just seem to use different words for similar things. I do agree that CBT often is lacking in empathy and the experiential component. I believe there needs to be both, and I sometimes pull more from either one side or the other but seek for a balance. If someone doesn’t think I am trying to understand them, they aren’t going to be very open to any feedback I offer. Taking on such a process is hard work and people are making themselves vulnerable to me asking for help. That deserves a certain amount of gentleness and seeking to help them feel “safe” to talk about these things.
No matter what a person has been through, though, I am generally very pro responsibility and no one “makes you” anything. I want people to not give away their power and to realize they have more choice than they think. This is because I do care and want them healthier. I talk a lot with people about boundaries and protecting what is theirs emotionally by not letting themselves get all confused and involved in what is someone else’s emotional junk.
Emotions are important, though. God gave them to us for a reason or two. One of the things I always appreciated about Murray Bowen was that he never said he wanted people to be so able to work from a place of clear thinking and never have feelings. He simply said he wanted people not to be ruled by their feelings and react based on feelings. I love DBT because it allows for feelings while still saying we can choose how to manage them. This chicken or thing is not as relevant to me as helping people understand they don’t have to be controlled by feelings.
I read an article recently that presented this same idea in slightly different language. The point was that, whether we have an instant physical or emotional reaction or not, we can choose how to behave and that this choice will largely be based on how we make meaning of something. The article is by David Steele, MFT and relationship coach. He used the example of fact vs interpretation. “The sky is blue” is fact. “The sky is pretty and it is a beautiful day” is a judgment based on the fact. Our judgments of, or interpretations of, facts, get us in trouble. If we stick to the fact and consider the range of possible reasons or meanings, we are more able to suspend judgment and not automatically jump to anger or hurt feelings. People decide what they think something means and act on that assumption.
I love the idea of teaching classes for pre teens. So many of the adolescents I work with don’t have skills for managing their emotions. I wish they’d had some ability to learn these things before the hyperemotionality and raging hormones took over. Adults in their lives often don’t handle their emotions well either. We could all do a better job with this stuff, I guess.
