My ex-husband grew up w/alcoholic parents, and was himself a “dry drunk”. I’ll never forget when I saw our 2nd grade son trying to help his dad keep his act together by writing on post-it-notes and explaining to me that he thought pinning those notes to his dad’s shirt would help his dad keep up with his responsibilities. I was chilled to the bone. 3 years late, I divorced him. My son is now 17, and has battled depression and GAD since 6th grade. It’s such a horrible dilemma for me as his mother, b/c I watched the whole thing unfold, and could do nothing to stop it. After the divorce, his dad put all his emotional weight on our son’s shoulders. Painted himself as such a victim - so emotionally needy. My son has always unconsciously considered it his job to keep his dad steady - to make sure Dad felt good. My son’s been in therapy for years, and takes anti depressants.

I have come to the conclusion that it would have been better for our kids if I had moved a few states away - would would have limited the constant nature of his burdening them with his emotional needs. It has damaged them so much - it is so painful to create as healthy of an environment as I can for them - but for it to never be enough to overcome Dad’s persistent neediness for their emotional support.

I find your description of what the parentified child will experience as an adult rather pessimistic, especially your use of the word “will” in describing *potential* problems. I was parentified by one parent, and although I have anger towards that parent, I do not relate to the world in general with anger. I have warm, open, caring friendships and feel confident that I will be able to develop a healthy, caring relationship with a partner. Please, we are not doomed or irrevocably damaged.

Martina

Dr. Sam -

I appreciate your thoughtful response. It has indeed been so very difficult. My son has been in therapy for several years for his anxiety/depression - - but his need to protect his father’s well-being is so strong that he does not even “see” how much of himself he sets aside to do it. What makes it even more potent, is in his dad’s volatile emotional upheaval, Dad takes a lot of it out on me and my two girls, one younger and one older than my son. My son - since Dad cares so much about what he thinks - sees himself as responsible for keeping everything stable. There’s no amount of me keeping him out of it that can overcome his father keeping him “in” it. It’s just so confusing for him, and so painful for me to watch. I’ve tried to describe for my son that he should be spending his energy on getting together with his friends - - not worrying about his dad getting his feelings hurt if he wants to spend the night with a friend. At times he “sees” what I’m getting at, but he just can’t let himself take the risk of focusing on himself b/c he knows how unpredictable his dad gets, and he thinks it’s his job to keep dad stable.

You gave me some hope that he may eventually be able to separate himself from all that responsibility - - but his temperament is just so “given” to that sort of thing. He’s a deep , sensitive young man.

I’m going to ask a local psychologist I’ve been impressed with if she knows anyone who has special expertise in this area. Pending that, since you have experience with it, what do you do if the child is so convinced that it’s his job, that he doesn’t see it as a problem? He’s even kind of defensive about it?

Again - thank you for your article. It’s not something you see much about - but I’ve been knee-deep in it for so long, and I think the damage it does is serious. Interestingly, my son and his younger sister spent a few weeks out of state with my parents. They came back like different kids. Son was “light” - chattering away about his own interests, thoughts, hopes, ambitions. He talked about going to college there, so he could live with them! I asked what it was about being there that affected him like this. He offered a few thoughts that opened the opportunity for me to say “Oh! - maybe it was that there was an adult woman (my mom), and an adult man (my dad), who were in charge of everything - you didn’t have to worry about anything - or take care of anything except your own stuff. You were just a kid - and nothing else. Is that it?” He looked at me with that look of recognition you get when you know you hit the nail on the head, and he said.. “Yeah - that’s exactly “it”.”

I know it doesn’t work like this, but I just wish I (or better, a therapist) could just reach inside him and get him to look at it - to really see that he is going to have to set up appropriate boundaries between he and his dad so he can continue to love his dad, without feeling responsible for his dad’s issues. I worry that his temperament and it being such a lifestyle for him is going to make it very, very difficult for him to do - and he may spend a huge chunk of his adulthood trying to rescue his dad.

Kathy

Dr Sam

Thank you for the Alanon suggestion!

My son, actually all three kids, and their well being is my paramount responsibility, which is why I divorced in the first place.

Unfortunately, divorce decrees in my state have a standard clause that prevents me from moving from my county or contiguous counties. Believe me, if I could have, I’d have moved these kids years ago, and that would have spared us all a lot of damage. It’s been a long road. (since 2001).

Their dad has some kind of personality disorder, amongst other things, based on a court ordered psych evaluation. He was ordered into treatment 2.5 years ago, overseen by the family court. His access to me was highly restricted, and during the last year the stalking, harassing behavior has subsided. Due to the intense and long enduring crisis, and his success at isolating me from support, I was ultimately diagnosed with a pseudo PTSD thing.

It probably would have been better if I’d established a romantic relationship and remarried (a husband could be a buffer), but I was so traumatized for so long that I was in no shape to even think of dating. I was just trying to keep our world from rocking and exploding.

I will look into Alanon. My son needs some real direct exposure to the notion that he can love his dad, and also recognize that dad has issues. And that it doesn’t mean he’s a “neglectful son” if he pulls away from the demands put on him. I think it’s unbearable for my son to cope with the possibility that his dad (whose genes he shares) has serious problems. It’s almost like my son needs to believe that his dad is “just fine” - so much that he has to make excuses for dad, or deny reality. That’s a lot of inner tension for a boy who is remarkably intuitive.

Anyway, thank you so much for calling attention to an issue I consider very serious.

Kathy

Thank you for explaining about the parentified adult child! It relieves the feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I ought to have been able to handle the adult intense anger and attachment difficulties by my own efforts.

My 8 year old grandson’s father was sexually abused as a child. Although he does not reside in the household, he has liberal visitation. They are very close and my grandson feels he is responsible for his father’s “happiness.” He has said, “Dad is only “happy” when he is around.” and “It is his job to make his dad happy.” I try to explain that is not the case. Each of us own our own feelings. Any other suggestions? Thanks.

Thank you for this article. I was “parentified” emotionally as a child — my mother had terrible anger issues and fought frequently with my father and brother. After their raging she would always come to me, crying, seeking reassurance that she was a good mother and a good person. I learned very quickly how to take care of her, but at the expense of myself — I never rebelled or explored any negative emotions about it, and I felt that I could never, ever be less than competent. In my own mind I took on responsibilities that were not mine at all.

In the last two years I have really struggled to figure out what to do with my life (my mother was also very sick when I was growing up; I always said I wanted to be a doctor as a result of her illness — another way I could “take care of her” I suppose), but during college I realized that was not right for me. It’s only been in flailing around and in realizing that I’m allowed to fail, that I’m still young and it’s OK to make mistakes, that I’ve started to figure things out. I feel like I’m finally going through adolescence… in my 20s. But, better late than never I suppose, and in this self-discovery I’ve also become much more open to relationships (whereas previously I was always very closed off).

It’s such a challenge, though, to combat this “parentification”, because what eight-year-old really knows how to fix any of it? The burden is absolutely, 100% on the parents, but if they are so needy or self-involved that they are doing this already, how do you make them see the damage they are doing?

Thank you for the article. I grew up with a chronically and severely (physically) ill mother and came to function as her emotional counsel and confidant, knowing of all hers, my father’s and all my brothers troubles, down t the most intimate. I know she never intended to hurt me or could conceive of any harm being done to me. She tried her best not to burden us with her illness (and managed to do so on the more practical side) but with her and my dad’s painful childhood histories and my high sensitivity parentification seemed to be the match made in hell (you know, the road paved with good intentions).

I got very mentally ill myself at 30, however. As an overachiever carrying responsibility for everybody, I first suffered a burn-out followed by severe clinical depression and anxiety disorders that just would not light up, and I am still on disability 10 years later.

I learned a lot. About my pain, my excessive guilt, my unrelenting feelings of inadequacy, even my severe anxieties that I apparently all gobbled up from childhood and aren’t even my own (there is some second generation PTSD going on). I am glad to hear you say that we can heal. (I do not suffer from great anger BTW and have developed several very meaningful relationships).

But I found I am apparently very hard to treat. I rationalize everything, my way of thinking and speaking sometimes cause a lot of aggression from therapists. They think I am trying to sit on their seat, but it is just how I was brought up to survive, and I really try hard not to play the therapsit. Even in the therapeutic relationship I am always trying very hard not to hurt my therapists feelings…

I never had a chance to be a child, apparently now I don’t know how to function as a patient. As a result I have been deeply hurt in my therapies so often that I have no trust left. I need help, but my inner obstacles to receiving help just seem to keep on increasing.

Any suggestions?

I think to some level I was emotionally affected by this issue. my mum has always had terrible rages and took a lot of this out on myself, instead of my older sister or younger brother.

The rages then turned to arguments with my dad (who is a wonderful man) and these resulted in my mother walking out to the garden where she would sulk. We as children took it upon ourselves to go and comfort and reassure my mother who would claim my father was horrible, before everything settled down again.

I don’t know if that is really this problem or not, but it would be nice to get some kind of opinion. The other thing she used to do was one minute tell me I was perfect and fantastic and the next I would be worthless garbage.

I suppose the only real lasting damage (after anti-depressants and therapy) is that I avoid all conflict to an extreme. It seems to be ok, because my partner and I simply talk instead of argue, and thus nothing is lost in terms of relationships. It is just wierd, every time somebody tries to argue with me I find a way to back down, followed by a way to balance the situation.

Dear Dr. Lopez de Victoria,

As someone who was made both of my parents’ confidantes through their marital arguments for approximately 15 years (from 14 years-old on up until just this year when I got married and their codependency issues dramatically surfaced, forcing me to finally draw a hard line), my question to you is: *how does a parentified child do this developing that you are saying is important? What in practical terms does this look like?*

I am looking for specifics and any advice you can give me would be helpful. I do not want my new marriage to be negatively effected any more than it already has been by my family.

Thank you in advance for your thoughtful consideration of my problem.

Marie

Dr. Lopez De Victoria,

Thank you very much for the suggestions! I have been reading Boundaries and Love is a Choice at the advice of my therapist from my hometown (I had to move shortly after marriage to be close to my husband’s work).

I would like very much to forgive and bless my parents, but they are not talking to me. My family is deeply codependent/enmeshed and when I married, I think they viewed that as an act of betrayal. My entire family nearly did not come to my wedding, and my father refused to walk me down the aisle. My younger brother (1 of 2 siblings) refused to attend. My therapist said that mine is the worst case of enmeshed codependency she has seen in 20 years of practice (a fact which was quite upsetting to me). I did not even fully realize I had a problem with my family until I went to the therapist with my then fiance for pre-marital counseling and she identified some of these issues. It was good that she did, because only a few weeks later, all hell broke loose in my family after I became engaged.

This has caused me immmense grief on the level of as if my entire family had died. I went from living with my family and being a victim of (what I now realize) daily emotional incest, to them now not speaking to me and me living in a totally different state and city. As much as I do not want to be involved in their codepency, I am sometimes quite overwhelmed with my sadness about it. Stumbling onto your page I view as a small help from God.

I only say these things to encourage you in your work — there are people out there who are normal, God-fearing people who are doing their best, but have problems that are not really their fault that having the help of people like yourself makes their lives much more bearable. I noticed how you reply to everyone’s posts, and I think that is wonderful. Thank you for your advice and keep up the good work. I will try very hard to follow your good advice.

Respectfully,
Marie

Dear Dr. Lopez de Victoria,

I am not sure how to read your comment “I have no doubt that the therapists involved maxed out with you.” Am I just being too difficult? How can I remedy maxing my therapists out? Maybe I am being too sensitive, but even though I appreciate all your effort, your reply to me made me cry.

Honestly, some therapists have unfortunately been less than professional in dealing with me in the past, and that has not just been my personal opinion. I am quite desperate about my apparent incapability to find help, although I keep on trying to not be determined by previous trauma’s and explain my situation.

I also don’t know how to respond exactly to “try to find when you first decided that you were indispensable and therefore the only caregiver for your mother’s emotional and physical needs.” There was not really a decision involved. There were also not many other people around.

I was 6,7, 8 years old helping my mom with the housekeeping and she would pour her tears over me, her fears for being a bad mother because of her illness and how her only wish had always been just to have a family that was not as destructive as her own family had been, how much pain she hid from us to keep going, how my dad could not understand or emotionally support her, who had abandoned her, what problems my brothers were in, and than; What would I think of it? What would I do? And that continued.

I went with her to countless doctor’s visits, I spend big chunks of my life sitting at a hospital bed, waiting in waiting rooms. Knowing so many friends already turned away, always backing off from “too much misery, too much hospital” I taught myself to never turn away, no matter how harrowing the sight of seeing her attached to tubes and machines and scars and bruises.

My dad was there, physically, but he escaped in a book, saying how good it was that my mom had me to talk to, how well we could get along. He grew up with people starving, being tortured and dying all around him (which he survived by cutting off his emotional perception and escaping into dry rationalism at all times), I don’t think he could even perceive how such a relatively innocent situation could ever be harmful for me.

I saw my dad crumble again and again in the face of doctors or any authority, so I learned to become my mom’s advocate, to remember what needed to be asked and summarize what was being said. There was no one else around, and over time people just got used to me taking on that part, as “I was so good at that.”

Again and again me and my 5 brothers had to be plucked apart and send out to stay at family, friends and eventually even strangers when my mom had to be hospitalized again and again. To misbehave or be too present in any way meant one less address to stay and thus more stress for my parents. So we all learned to always be good and quiet, perfect guests. I remember my deep shame when once I became so homesick and distraught because I felt so unsafe that my hosts felt they had to send me back home.

My mom told me about everybody’s problems and all the comments of neighbors and friends. I saw the people disappearing from their lives, again and again. I did not ask for it, but neither could I unknow what I was told, so I could do nothing than my best to make things work.

I was beaten up frequently and ostracized at school, for being poor and being different, or just for being such an easy victim, but I could not bear adding the stress of my pain to my mom’s pain and always said I had fallen from the jungle gym and so on. Only much later did I know that each of us all individually hid our pain and trauma, so as not to add any more strain to our parents.

My dad’s attempt to shelter us from the deep pain of disappointment he had suffered (he was ‘the golden boy’, in whom his parents and sibblings put all their hopes and for whom they sacrificed all their own scarce resources and chances after the war, and he ‘failed’) was to squash any hopes of becoming somebody in us before it even materialized. Any success was just luck, because we happened to be surrounded by ones with less capacities at that time, but that was sure to be different in the future.

I don’t know if I ever had a choice. I loved my parents, I loved my brothers, I could only do my very best to love them to my full ability at all times. Knowing of all the problems, all I could do was to try my best to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

I taught myself. Books were and still are somewhat my best friends. I always thought that was so incredibly sad, but they still comfort me and accompany me, and provide me hope, insight and joy. Luckily these days they are accompanied by living, breathing people!

Some therapists tried to convince me that I should feel anger towards my parents. I feel anger at the situation, for sure, but I just can’t bring myself to blame my parents who were so obviously sick and struggling themselves. On the contrary, I am proud of all that they managed to achieve, and the values they installed in us, despite their own dire situations and youth.

Like I said, I have very meaningful and strong loving relationships, and so do most of my brothers. Although we all also seem to suffer from psychological trauma’s, we are also still a family when it counts. I fell apart, I still do. I wish to heal. But I guess I would still rather die for my loved ones than ever abandon them, so that is maybe an unhealthy choice that I am unwilling to abandon.

But I also feel that I still have strength, courage under fire, that I have inner wisdom and heart. I enjoyed your tips, as in trying to catch up on the childhood missed. Me and my husband both really enjoy giggling and messing around like little children, so that is no coincidence. He helps me to discover what it is like to just have fun, pure joy. I am still trying to learn boundaries, to find my own voice, to say no.

I definitely have learned to stop ’saving’ and advising people (having been on the receiving end, I now know how thoroughly annoying and useless that can be) but my friends do seek me out as they know I try to listen without judgment and respect them always, trying to tap in to their own individual answers and wisdom (life has taught me I have no answers), and than they call me wise…

I guess now I just need to pray that I may find a capable therapist who respects me for who I am, regardless, and will provide me a safe environment to discover my own inner strength and healing.

Lucia

I was riveted to your email. The wisdom that pours through the words you write is authentic and in my opinion, you are a victorious example of incredible psychological health despite circumstances that threatened to defeat you every step of the way.

The depth and breadth of your wisdom is only born of great pain. Those who suffer little will never have the treasure you’ve got there.

You inspire me!

I went through 3 years of therapy with a therapist whose blunt, hard-nosed style of therapy ultimately sent me into a tailspin. It was very, very painful for me, because not only did I blame myself for the magnitude of the last 6 months of our relationship feeling like we were opponents, but he assured me over and over that the reason I was drawing the harshness from him was b/c I’d somehow recreated the dynamics of abusive relationships from my past in my relationship with him. It was my fault. I wanted so badly to fix whatever I was doing wrong. I asked him to help me understand. But understanding was elusive, and I never figured it out. I think I was supposed to figure it out on my own. I sunk into a hopeless despair, and fell into a deep depression that nearly gutted me. indeed, the trauma I experienced as a result of spending 40 years in a cult similar to the polygamist cult recently in the news, was recreated ten-fold in this therapy. And I don’t for a minute think he intended to do me any harm. I know he is aware of my state of retraumatization, but I don’t think he has any idea that he played a critical role. All the while, he insisted that my only hope of being able to establish and maintain healthy relationships was to stay in that one with him until I figured out how to get it right.

It’s an odd and long story, but a friend ended up guiding me into therapy with a different psychologist. My friend had no idea I was in therapy, he just got concerned when he recognized I was in a serious depression. (this friend is a psychiatrist). So I ended up seeing two psychologists at the same time, neither knowing about the other. Through that process, I learned by the contrast I experienced btw them that the pain from my past was legitimate, that I was not destructive to relationships (1st therapist thought so), that my “issues” were understandable. I was finally emotionally safe. I began to find my voice. After 3 months of weighing the contrast, I finally managed to gather the courage to let the 1st one know I didn’t think it was good for me to see him any more. After I did that, I told my new therapist. The new one was a little mortified at first, but after hearing the story, she finally told me “you did what it took to survive”.

I said all that to tell you that my new therapist told me about a book called “if you meet the Buddah on the road, Kill him”. It is about the journey of therapy, and that it’s a big mistake to put more value on a therapist’s sense of you than on your own sense of you. I got the book, and it provided the resolution about my traumatic therapeutic relationship that I knew I’d never get from that former thrapist. I was able to relinquish my need for him to understand anything. And that was liberating!

I recommend it for anyone who is struggling with a toxic therapeutic relationship, but has not sufficiently healed from past wounds to feel strong enough to break that dangerous bond.

Kathy.

This has been a very interesting dialog as I was a parent/protector of my little sister as my mother had severe bipolar that led to frequent out-of-control rages & bizarre behavior (she was often delusional).

She did get put into the mental institution after suicide attempts or sometimes after I had to call the police when she was beating up my brother & a weapon such as a knife got involved, but they would keep releasing her after ECT’s & giving her meds. I don’t know if she was compliant. All I know is she should not have been released from that hospital & left with us kids.

My dad basically took off (alcoholic–but functioning one in that he could work & party & had a yacht he lived on). So that’s how I became a “parent.” Finally, it did get bad enough that my father was going through the process of getting my mother involuntarily committed, but she succeeded in killing herself (finally) before the process was completed & we kids were sent off to boarding schools (separate ones–don’t know why).

So then at 15 I had my 1st suicide attempt & basically “became my mother” in that I developed bipolar, but I was not violent in any way except towards myself. I self-medicated mostly with alcohol (hence my 1st baby was a preemie) & then had another child. My first child (a daughter) ended up parenting me mostly because I was so desperately depressed most of her childhood. I explained to them that Mommy was sad & she didn’t know why, that you (the children) weren’t making her sad & that Mommy was hoping the doctor was going to be able to help her. Unfortunatley, I was not correctly diagnosed & treated until I was 45 years old! Even with my mother being bipolar, I kept getting treated for unipolar depression. But, also I was going to my GP & spent most of my time depressed & the short manias I had I didn’t report as, wow, they didn’t feel bad at all.

I’m 54 now. My kids are both grown (31 year-old-daughter is a law prof, 29-year-old son is a civil engineer) & both have had to be treated for mood disorders. Aren’t genetics wonderful?

I did pretty well until I had a relapse 2 years ago & had an overdose. I’m 54 now. My meds provider has been adjusting my meds, recommended I go back to therapy as I hadn’t felt the need as I had been stable for 5 years. After about 6 mos. that therapist “flunked” me & said I wasn’t making any progress (I wasn’t) & she couldn’t help me.

I then tried 3 more therapists & “fired” them as I didn’t think they were helping me. Finally I’ve been in a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group for about 6 weeks & will start indiv. therapy with the therapist from this group this week. I am learning so much & am learning specific tools to help combat my irrational thoughts that lead to escalating emotions that lead to rash & dangerous behaviors. I have hope.

My children love me. I’m so grateful & thankful that they don’t hold my illness & my faults against me.

Hi…i am a mom of three children. my plate is very full with taking care of all my children and working full time. i adore my children and would do absolutely anything for them…as they are my life. needlesstosay my husband does not take any of the pressure and simply is a very relaxed and layed back man. he is a wonderful dad . my oldest son who is 9 years old has always been extremely connected to me and since a very young age has always taken on an adult role almost like it was in his nature. we are seeing a child psychologist and i will be consulting a clinical psychologist myself however do you beleive that this can be resolved and if so will this still have affect on his adult life. i look forward to hearing from you,