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I took a seat at a large conference table in the university’s counseling center. I looked around nervously. I kept my hands in my lap, fingers (figuratively) crossed, hoping that I wouldn’t recognize a single face that walked through the door and into the Anxiety and Stress Management Class that I’d signed up for. It was a six-week class that I’d discovered via a flier posted on a bulletin board outside of my second home, the university library. As I sat and waited, my heartbeat felt large and uncomfortable. No doubt, I was anxious.
I was a first-semester graduate student at the time, trying to keep up with the 200+ pages I needed to read each week for my classes. It was just too much reading. (I hadn’t yet fully realized the fine art of skimming and scanning.) Theories would blend together and famous philosophers like Hume and Locke would inch their way into my dreams, uninvited. Even during the waking hours, I couldn’t relax. I’d try to zone out by watching a sitcom; instead, I’d find myself thinking about how little I know about designing research studies — and I needed to know for that exam on Monday! — and I’d only end up flustered and feeling unproductive when the credits rolled by. I couldn’t keep my anxiety level in check. Not even through the traditional notion of relaxing — sitting on the couch, remote control in hand, pleasant faces and canned laughter on the screen. Nope. Didn’t work.
I held my breath as a handful of fellow students began filtering into the conference room. “He looks unfamiliar,” I thought, as I eyed up the other anxious twenty-somethings walking through the door. “And that girl looks friendly…maybe. Wait, maybe not.”
I had been nervous enough while walking up the stairs to the Counseling Center, and I’d tried to hide my face in an issue of the school’s weekly newspaper while I was in the Center’s waiting room, eight long minutes early. This was almost too much for my anxiety-ridden self. I never had a problem with social anxiety before — my anxieties have always been a result of workload issues — but I suddenly felt like I’d had a new diagnosis. I just didn’t want anyone else to know that I was having a problem. I was excited for the content of the class, which advertised cognitive and behavioral techniques that promised to get me through my first semester, but not for the company. Sitting in that conference room, I felt stigmatized. It was like I had a banner flying over my head that read “Yes, I do have a problem with anxiety!” There was no going back.
Students continued to walk in. “Oh no, I’ve seen him before. Somewhere in the library, maybe? A student worker at the circulation desk?” I couldn’t remember. My heart felt like it was vibrating.
One of my professors would open each evening class by asking our class where we fell on the 1-to-10 “How ready are you to quit this program?” scale. That week, I was running on a 9.5…only because I was scared to admit the truth and give myself a 10. I had already been dressing my own academic grave and calling around for quotes on health insurance. Meanwhile, my classmates had all reported scores of 5 or below for that week. How could they be keeping their heads so level while I’m slowly cracking up from the pressure? How could they sit and watch television in the evening, or read a book for pleasure, or go for a walk knowing that there was a major amount of work to be done?
The halfway point of the semester was upon us, and the same professor with that brilliant scale idea had described the next seven weeks as a “downhill train ride” with no brakes. Oh, and the train was full of explosives. And there was a baby tied to the tracks ahead. (I’m not kidding; he actually said that!) How could the rest of my cohort sleep at night? Everyone knew that grad school wasn’t a walk in the park, but honestly? Explosive downhill trains to terror & babies tied to the tracks? I didn’t understand how everyone else projected such an A-OK, hunky-dory, we’ll-get-through-this image.
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Loading ...This entry was posted on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 12:21 pm and is filed under General, Disorders, Anxiety and Panic, Psychology, Stress, Mental Health & Wellness, Students, Self-Esteem. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
10 Responses to “Help! I’m Anxious about My Anxiety Management Class!” (Pingbacks/trackbacks not shown below)
Wendy Aron at 12:52 pm on
June 30th, 2008
I can definitley relate, Summer. But picture going through twelve classes–everything from self-esteem building to assertiveness training–when you carry a diagnosis of major depression. The only thing I could do to get through them was laugh at my experiences and realize, like you, that in the end, I wasn’t all that different from anybody else.
Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression, Conquered My Fears and Found Happiness
Jude at 3:21 pm on
June 30th, 2008
As we stood in the hallway after defending our theses, my classmates and I told each other, “We are now an informal support group. If anyone in this group ever again thinks about going for a master’s degree, call anyone else in this hallway and we’ll remind you of how hellish it was.” Of course, some of them already had two master’s degrees, and since then I managed to snag myself another.
Summer Beretsky at 1:04 pm on
July 1st, 2008
Jude, great story. The majority of my cohort, including myself, opted for six-hours of comprehensive exams instead of the thesis. I suspect that many of us wanted to create a similar pact, but we were too brain-drained after leaving the exam room to say much of anything.
LG at 8:14 pm on
August 15th, 2008
Graduate school. I managed to be okay for the first three years but now … I cry for hours and I don’t know if it’s fear, anxiety or lack of self-esteem. Telling myself that things will be okay doesn’t help because things ARE okay. I have thought about going to counselling but I have a PhD and those people don’t. They won’t be able to help me. Well, I may give them a try.
LG,
some have PhD’s and still can’t solve problems. PhD’s don’t “make you” an expert just sometimes more knowledgeable than those who don’t have them.
Certification is indeed good to investigate before pursuing any type of therapy. This is your life. However, I’ve always believed that researching the person, their theoretical orientation, and personal belief systems is what’s most significant. Some people have Master’s degrees in social work and may provide better services/resources than one with a PhD or PsyD. I wouldn’t let that stop me.
Just something to think about!
I am 26yrs old and I get alittle bit of a bad self-esteem issue.My most recent one is thatI was in a car accident 2weeks ago and was hurt and was left with small scarring on my face and I am sort of like are people going to think I am ugly now because of that.I am on meds for depression and pain.sometimes I feel like I am so ugly that I want to do something about it.I don’t want to hurt myself it is just that I sometimes think about doing it but I don’t.
I am 26yrs old and I get alittle bit of a bad self-esteem issue.My most recent one is thatI was in a car accident 2weeks ago and was hurt and was left with small scarring on my face and I am sort of like are people going to think I am ugly now because of that.I am on meds for depression and pain.sometimes I feel like I am so ugly that I want to do something about it.I don’t want to hurt myself it is just that I sometimes think about doing it but I don’t.
I never think before I found this site but I think this one looks better.For anxiety I think u just need to take a breath and just relax.I remember my first day I though I was going to have an anxiety attack but I was doing alright.Lately I have been feeling like I was going to have one but I am being told I am doing just fine take my time don’t over do and stuff like that.I am glad to have some good bosses that understand.
Christina,
I just happened to be re-reading this article for a friend and noticed your comment. I understand how you could feel this way but try to understand that there is so much more to life and people than their outer appearance. I personally look for people who love me unconditionally and care about me and not how I look. If you run into someone who judges you according to your appearance alone, then they are not worth your company. If you are a great person to be around then that’s all that matters.
I know we live in a material and superficial world, but if we all fall into this mind frame or schema then no one can become the instrument of change.
Essentially, I guess I am saying…highlight your good qualities and undermine your flaws. We all have them; sometimes the most special people in life are those who feel the way you do. 
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I can definitley relate, Summer. But picture going through twelve classes–everything from self-esteem building to assertiveness training–when you carry a diagnosis of major depression. The only thing I could do to get through them was laugh at my experiences and realize, like you, that in the end, I wasn’t all that different from anybody else.
Wendy Aron, author of Hide & Seek: How I Laughed at Depression, Conquered My Fears and Found Happiness
As we stood in the hallway after defending our theses, my classmates and I told each other, “We are now an informal support group. If anyone in this group ever again thinks about going for a master’s degree, call anyone else in this hallway and we’ll remind you of how hellish it was.” Of course, some of them already had two master’s degrees, and since then I managed to snag myself another.
Jude, great story. The majority of my cohort, including myself, opted for six-hours of comprehensive exams instead of the thesis. I suspect that many of us wanted to create a similar pact, but we were too brain-drained after leaving the exam room to say much of anything.
Graduate school. I managed to be okay for the first three years but now … I cry for hours and I don’t know if it’s fear, anxiety or lack of self-esteem. Telling myself that things will be okay doesn’t help because things ARE okay. I have thought about going to counselling but I have a PhD and those people don’t. They won’t be able to help me. Well, I may give them a try.
LG,
some have PhD’s and still can’t solve problems. PhD’s don’t “make you” an expert just sometimes more knowledgeable than those who don’t have them.
Certification is indeed good to investigate before pursuing any type of therapy. This is your life. However, I’ve always believed that researching the person, their theoretical orientation, and personal belief systems is what’s most significant. Some people have Master’s degrees in social work and may provide better services/resources than one with a PhD or PsyD. I wouldn’t let that stop me.
Just something to think about!
I am 26yrs old and I get alittle bit of a bad self-esteem issue.My most recent one is thatI was in a car accident 2weeks ago and was hurt and was left with small scarring on my face and I am sort of like are people going to think I am ugly now because of that.I am on meds for depression and pain.sometimes I feel like I am so ugly that I want to do something about it.I don’t want to hurt myself it is just that I sometimes think about doing it but I don’t.
I am 26yrs old and I get alittle bit of a bad self-esteem issue.My most recent one is thatI was in a car accident 2weeks ago and was hurt and was left with small scarring on my face and I am sort of like are people going to think I am ugly now because of that.I am on meds for depression and pain.sometimes I feel like I am so ugly that I want to do something about it.I don’t want to hurt myself it is just that I sometimes think about doing it but I don’t.
I never think before I found this site but I think this one looks better.For anxiety I think u just need to take a breath and just relax.I remember my first day I though I was going to have an anxiety attack but I was doing alright.Lately I have been feeling like I was going to have one but I am being told I am doing just fine take my time don’t over do and stuff like that.I am glad to have some good bosses that understand.
Christina,
I just happened to be re-reading this article for a friend and noticed your comment. I understand how you could feel this way but try to understand that there is so much more to life and people than their outer appearance. I personally look for people who love me unconditionally and care about me and not how I look. If you run into someone who judges you according to your appearance alone, then they are not worth your company. If you are a great person to be around then that’s all that matters.
I know we live in a material and superficial world, but if we all fall into this mind frame or schema then no one can become the instrument of change.
Essentially, I guess I am saying…highlight your good qualities and undermine your flaws. We all have them; sometimes the most special people in life are those who feel the way you do.
