While I appreciate the comments here, they are far afield from commenting on the specific blog entry, so we had to close the comments to this entry. First-time users who come to this entry will find it can take a long time to load because of all of the comments, and so previously I had asked that people not use the blog entry comment area as a support group.

We created a support group for this topic just for you!

http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=108

I hope and ask all of you to please use the support group instead. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

I am getting stronger though; I can feel anger now, and I couldn’t before. But poo, if I wasn’t struggling with this issue like mad I wouldn’t be here. See, it depends if I’m talking with my head or my heart. They conflict a lot.
I know what I should do; I’m just not strong enough to do it yet.

But that’s changed. Time has decreased the intensity, and the way he’s been treating me lately has cooled my desire. I still have the emotions though, I fell so deeply in love with him and that won’t disappear overnight. Is it dangerous? I don’t know. I know the desire would be re ignited in an instant if he were to behave like he cared again …

I want this to stop, I really do – but I can’t walk away yet. I still have work to do, the work I went there for in the first place, it’s only half finished. I don’t want to abandon that.

Yes, I think you refer to a previous post of mine – I want to play this game just long enough to get things back to how they were – when I was getting what I wanted from him, not him telling me I cannot have it and making me feel rejected. Yes, if I can turn things around so that we’re back there again, it will then be MY decision to say, you know what, “I’m ready to stop now”. Always easier to be the leaver than the leavee.

As to my looks, its all in the eye of the beholder isn’t it. I consulted with another therapist about my situation with my T, and they said that I was “such an attractive young woman”, that my T “didn’t stand a chance”.
Nothing like a comment like that to make you feel completely guilty and responsible.

Good men!! Is there such thing, I don’t know where they are? There is someone out there looking for you Paraclete, one day he will trip in front of you and fall in love.

Be careful of the ‘games’ you allow yourself to play with your therapist. This isn’t helping you and it will only drive you mad. I’m so sorry you have to go through that. It is a form of emotional abandonment what he did to you. It’s not much different as if he physically abandoned you.

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I am glad you are feeling angry towards him. This is healthy. It is a step in grieving and healing. I think I’ve gone through most of the steps. I think I am now stuck between depression and acceptance.

So, I get that many people would assume I willingly participated or seduced him or that the relationship was mutual. It wasn’t mutual. If I had been in my right mind, and I wasn’t, I would never have dated a guy like him. This guy had me on 5 medications that he changed around at every visit, and he had hospitalized me 3 times. I was a complete mess, and honestly I don’t know what he saw in me at teh time other than an opportunity. It certainly couldn’t have been my dirty hair. There are reasons this kind of thing is unethical in every state and illegal in several. It’s abuse.

In the therapeutic relationship there is a huge imbalance in power. I spilled my guts to him which made me vulnerable in a way that he wasn’t. He didn’t come in and spill his guts to me and be vulnerable with me. He was the one in control. I did what he told me to do, and I wanted to please him – because one of the issues I was working on in therapy was learning to stand up for myself instead of being a doormat. Talk about irony.

Paraclete, you asked how it happened. As I said before it happened gradually. THey tend to work on the boundaries. It’s not like they just walk in one day and put the move on you. It was gradual. It might be a look that made me uneasy or a hug that went a little long. But, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it to say, “ah ha he’s trying to start something here.” I will say that the joking he did got a little more flirtatious and he told me some stuff about his past sexual experiences which I now know is a huge red flag of inappropriate behavior. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Then, one day I was deeply depressed. I was sitting on teh sofa in his office and he got up from his chair and came over and sat by me. I wouldn’t look at him, but he took my hand. He talked to me about trust. He asked me if I trusted him. I nodded. I’m not an idiot, but I trusted him and frankly I should have been able to. I used to take all the responsibility and all the blame, but it wasn’t mine to shoulder.

He talked to me about self esteem. He told me that he liked me. I wasn’t sure how to take it and thought he might just be trying to make me feel better. He asked if I liked him. I didn’t answer. The therapy session ended soon thereafter and he walked me to the door. I wouldn’t look at him, because I was afraid he was going to kiss me. He told me to look at him, but I was afraid. He said, “I’m not that ugly am I?” I said no.

The next session he asked if I remembered teh question he had asked last time. I can’t remember how I answered. I think I said no. So, he asked again. I told him I did like him. But, still I wasn’t sure how he meant it. Did he mean like him in a friendly or in a sexual way or what? I didn’t know what he meant.

Anyway, he kept talking a lot aobut self esteem and how mine was in teh toilet and that I should go to a spa so I would feel better about myself. He asked if I had ever been to a particular spa out of state, and I said no. Then, he asked if I wanted to go. I didn’t answer. I left that evening completely freaked out. I cried as I drove home because I knew this was it. I knew that no matter what decision I made I was losing this relationship. It was all out there, now.

I didn’t know what to do. I felt very alone. I was afraid if I told I would never be able to see him again and that he would get into trouble. I was so dependent on him at that time, that I couldn’t bear to lose that relationship. I was also very isolated. I really didn’t talk to anyone except him. I emailed him that night and told him I would go. We both drove separately to a city in another state and that’s when my life went from bad to worse.

After that night he didn’t call me. I kept going to my stupid therapy appointments and he would kiss me and do what he wanted with me, and frankly all I wanted to do was die. He came to my house once to be serviced but those were the only times he contacted me. No flowers, no phone calls, just me making him happy. I came very, very close to putting a bullet in my head. Two months later, I decided I better move away. I moved 9 hours away from him. I stopped working completely and lay in bed.

The therapist who treated me afterwards was wonderful. She got it. Any time, I tried to take the blame for it, she put it squarely where it belonged – with him. One of teh things she told me many times is that if he had been ethical, no matter what I said or didn’t say, no matter what I did or didn’t do – this wouldn’t have happened. And, she’s right.

I’m glad most therapists don’t play these kind of head games, because it destroys people.

Oh dear – that’s exactly how it starts…

Thank you for that description of what might happen in therapy for me. It helps me be prepared and if that all happens maybe i won’t be as scared or think I’m a “freak”. I’ve been in therapy for years and all that never happened, but then again, I used therapy as a “check-in” tool. Maybe this therapist can help me get real.

As for the feelings I have for him, at this moment, if he told me next week that we should stop therapy now at 8 weeks into it because he’d rather have a relationship with me, I’d gladly oblige him but I think he’s too professional and in truth I’m reality I’m glad for the strength I believe he has.

Thanks again for the feedback.