[[In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.]]

I think this is the key. I would add that someone who gives us undivided attention AND cares about us unconditionally (even if they’re paid to) is absolutely ripe for “falling in love with.” Both those things are rare in the therapy patient’s world. (Or anybody’s, for that matter!)

and what happens when your therapist falls in love with you?

Thank God, and JMG! ! clear explanation and usable advice! So I’m not crazy (just a normal nutcase), after all.

I proudly admit that I fell in love with my therapist 30yrs. ago. It was the most healing aspect for me. At the time, I did not understand any intellectual or rational aspect/reason for my feelings. I tried to hide my strong feelings from myself and her. The more I ran the stronger the feelings grew uncomfortable. I finally admitted to her that I love her. Wow! I remember that day! I wanted to die, feeling very child like yet I had to tell her. We talked about my feelings. We talked about her feelings. Once I crossed that internal wall I was able to free myself in many ways. I grew from that day. Now many years later I have so much respect for both client and therapist! And yes I still love her, because she is a wonderful, intelligent, and life long role model for me and many others I imagine she also helped in the sometimes mysterious and deep process of therapy! Trust the process, respect yourself, and go for it!

Something else to keep in mind is that transference is potentially happening in every relationship. The way we interact with anyone, from spouses to shop clerks, is influenced by our earliest relationships. I think that therapy (and similar relationships with teachers, supervisors, etc.) can make it more pronounced but it’s something to keep in mind when you find yourself having an odd reaction to someone.

When I got a fierce old crush on my therapist I was mortified. First of all, I was old enough to be the guy’s mother, so I felt absolutely humiliated by the sheer folly of my passion. Second of all, my passion; the sexual fantasies about him were so intense, so elaborate and so constant. You say it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but I sure felt like a damned silly idiot every time I was in his office.

And I would have just died if I had thought he was aware of my feelings for him.

So here’s a little question I’ve worried about from time to time: do doctors know when their patients are in such an agonized state? (And if so, is there anything the therapist can do to ease the tension–without embarrassing the patient?)

If you wish to answer, JMG, please make the answer be, Oh no, we’re all clueless and never have any idea when such things happen . . . . .

My therapist encouraged me to get what “I needed” out of the relationship and ensured me that he holds these feelings close. The transference is the tool many therapists use to help the patient work through complicated feelings and affect. In many “modern” analytical therapies, this is an important aspect of the relationship. In other words, the transference is encouraged, and used as a building block for growth.

I started therapy 5 years ago and stopped (officially) around 2 1/2 years ago. During therapy my therapist told me she would always be there for me unless she died and that after therapy finished we could be friends. I wanted to believe her and I almost did but I always feared that she was just saying that to make me feel better and that her belief really was that I wouldn’t need her after therapy was over. I progressed alot with her and i think the “transference” aspect was effective in many ways … I loved her and still love her deeply. She moved to the other side of the world a year ago which was painstakingly difficult for me and since then (and also since the beginning of the therapy) we have stayed in contact very regularly and I have been to visit her in her new environment and yes, the relationship has become friendship, most of the time. We get on well and we understand each other sometimes without speaking. My issue is that I feel stuck. I care for her so much and she shows that she cares for me in various ways but I feel she is pulling away from me. I rely on her so much whenever i feel bad (I have BPD) and have extreme changes of mood sometimes and I feel that I disappoint her when I get like that. I still need her to be there in lots of ways, as a friend, as a mother but I wouldn’t have to ask my mother if I could come and visit tomorrow for example. I could just go. Her husband doesn’t seem to like me very much either… She came back for a few weeks recently and apart from telling me where she was and calling each other, she didn’t show any interest in seeing me and yet she was so close by. I know she was busy but it hurt me alot and other seemingly insignificant things like this hurt me also. I wrote to her about this but she never commented on it. i’m scared to push and ask questions as i don’t want to lose her but at the same time, I feel I need some answers.

I think it is risky to share your feelings with your therapist. Although they are trained to handle “transferrance,” they are still human. Better to read articles like this one, so you understand why you feel the way you do. Then, vent your feelings to a friend. I recently went to a therapist for treatment of depression. I developed intense feelings of tenderness and fondness for this man. I never shared my feelings with him, but after our last session I hugged him and kissed his cheek. He was always very ethical and professional with me. But given the tenderness we shared during that hug, I’m glad I kept my feelings to myself. He is a highly respected man in my community, and I am respected in my circle of friends and co-workers as well. You do the math…

To add to my comment above… Why risk tempting your therapist? He/she may have feelings for you as well. In my experience, if I have feelings for someone, then find out that they have feelings for me, it intensifies the attraction! Perhaps when this happens it’s best to seek out another therapist, for your sake and theirs. Remember the movie “Prince of Tides”?

ugh. i subscribe to psychcentral’s rss feed and saw this article and tried so hard not to click on the link, but here i am. i’m completely in love w/ my therapist and it’s one of the most painful experiences i’ve ever been in. i’ve been seeing her for several months at the clinic at a local university and we’re the same age (more or less, i’m assuming– she’s completely dead set against telling me anything personal about herself), have similar senses of humor, and, on the face of it, seem like we’d get along outside the therapeutic setting. i found her very attractive when i met her, but didn’t really think anything of it. i used to think my boss was attractive when i met her too, but my relationship w/ her always remained completely professional and over time my attraction to her waned. i thought the same would happen w/ my therapist; god, how wrong i was. for the first few months things were fine, but then i started to notice that i was thinking about her a lot and would miss her when i wasn’t in session. i knew i was transferring, and figured it would pass, but it’s just gotten worse. i told her in january that i have feelings for her, although i did not use the word “love.” i felt extremely embarrassed immediately after telling her, but she seemed very eager (almost happy) to talk about it. she always compares herself to my ex’s and tells me that “what happens out there can play out in here.” i understand what she’s doing by saying these things, but still, she confuses me b/c she’ll ask me how she can show me that she cares about me, and then i’ll say that she doesn’t *really* care, that she “has” to care, etc. and she’ll say, “you think i’m that mechanical? you think i don’t think about you when you’re not here w/ me? that i’m just trained to care about you?” and we have these “moments” where it’s really intense and we’re just sitting there, staring at each other, and it feels like something is happening, but then i don’t know. then there are times where i’ll want her to tell me she cares about me and she’ll say, “i care about the work– i don’t want you to think we’re in a relationship.” and then i just sit there feeling ridiculous and confused. i’m usually good at reading people but i can’t figure her out. i’ve been in a lot of relationships, but this is by far the most painful and intense “relationship” i’ve ever had in my life. i used to push her away and be as difficult as possible w/ her so she’d transfer me to someone else, but she said she’s never even considered referring me to someone else. at this point i’m tired of fighting how i feel and pushing her, but i have no idea what to do now. i finally told her that i love her the other day and she said, “but you don’t know me.” once again, i felt embarrassed and ashamed. of course, i don’t know her. no shit. i think virginia is right: i really regret admitting my feelings for her. but i really just wish i didn’t have them at all to begin with.

Arguably a common enough experience in therapy. It has to be recognized and dealt with it asap for the furtherance of the process. Failure to resolve the issue of transference is detrimental. So is it with similar feelings from the therapist: the moment you see it, say “Achtung”, deal with it honestly and with courage if one does not want to end the therapy in a fiasco. Besides it is unethical.

Good article.
My therapist is fine with me saying that I love her. I ofcourse explained that I love her because she is kind of like the mother of my inner child. I didn’t get much encouragement, acceptance etc. So, I love her because she gives me what I can’t seem to give myself at times. (I’m now crying.) I love how she believes in me when I can’t seem to believe in myself. She says that she isn’t going anywhere for a while.
All humans need encouragement, acceptance and other positive emotions. If we get this from a therapist when we can’t give it to ourselves. It’s only natural that we might feel that we love our therapist.

I believe that depending on your inner emotions and well being to begin with, an issue such as transference can only add to your feelings of worthlessness and pain

Boundaries. Just because the client (me) feels in love with my therapist does not mean that “concrete sex” will occur. A mature and knowing therapist will not act on thoughts or feelings, knowing that only hurt/pain would engulf both themself and you. Symbolically sex occurs, but not in actuality. Thus, the reason for our biological reaction, cognitive reaction, strong heart beats, and soul stirring reactions.
This process is scary. Perhaps some run away because the therapist won’t return the love act. I suggest that you don’t tell, unless your destiny and soul make the demand.
If the therapist does not respect the boundaries, run and report them. A hug is not against therapetic ethics. A counselor is to do no harm.
Remember the purpose of your relationship to this therapist: Healing! You entered therapy to stop your pain? Not DO your therapist!!!

I do think that sometimes therapist take the boundary level to far in the sense of keeping the patient/client relationship at a distance. Just because the client feels emotions does not mean that the therapist extending a hand or a hug in a compassionate manner is unethical and it can be done in the most respectful of ways.

Aaron I get the comment “but you don’t know me” or “it isn’t about me”. It makes me want to scream.

It is almost like they ‘therapeutically lead us on (or is it therapeutic?)” just enough to keep it rolling and then slap us with “it isn’t about me”. This comment does not help, it hurts.

Early on I heard this so often from my therapist, I just didn’t know what to do with these feelings. It actually hurt my progress because I didn’t feel accepted so I could talk more about them, I felt ashamed.

So then I started acting out with other men for awhile and obviously that isn’t good either. I didn’t realize at first that I was running my these intense feelings.

A message to all therapists: Y’all obviously know about transference and its intesity, please put trust in us and not the boundary potential or OMG lawsuits that can be suited with these feelings (if patient/therapist fall into that).

We need that from you desperately.

I have been seeing a therapist for 3 years and am still struggling with all these transference emotions. It’s not erotic. I just want to be part of his life, a friend or child of his. It took me a while to talk about this in therapy and when I first told him I loved him, he said you don’t really know me and that he didn’t love me in the same way as I loved him. That I needed him more than he needed me. He has been so kind and compassionate about this without being dismissive or crossing any boundaries. It’s made me cry so many times and I have dreams about him treating me with cruelty. But he is experienced working with transference and talking about it with him really helps. Being honest with a therapist who understands and can work with transference is a very painful but incredibly rewarding experience.

I find that this transference thing is terrible. I’m crazy about my therapist, and I look forward to seeing him. I think it is a lesson in pure frustration.

If my therapist returned the feelings I’d have an affair with him, and never tell anyone. I would never report him!

I’ve been in love with my therapist for 4 years. It is NOT transference…if I had met him anywhere else, I would have felt the same.

I finally got the courage years ago to tell him. He handled it with delicacy and sensitivity.

Unfortunately, he has feelings for me, also…..he “sexualized” our relationship (no…no sex), but double entendres, etc., etc……I could write a book about what he has said and done.

He knows he should refer me, but said: “My colleagues would tell me to run fast and far, but I will never abandon you.”

A few (of the leading things): “You are in my heart and in my head.” WE find it hard to end the session, and WE find it hard to say goodbye.” If I were not married, I would probably go for it.”

I love him….and hate him for what he has done. He has also said: “I am torn and confused, scared and conflicted.” A therapist is supposed to (when attracted to a client); do their work invisibly so the client isn’t aware of their “stuff.”

Went to him because my church voted me out of membership because I got a divorce; and he journeyed with me while I fought the spiritually abusive church (for 18 months), but I stayed with him; that was 4 years ago.

We attended the same conference together; but I didn’t call him until the last day; went to a dance and he told me later (I was shocked), that he spent a half an hour looking for me. He saw me 5 times but didn’t speak (their silly rules)….

The ironic thing is that as a client I can behave any way I want to, and I haven’t crossed any boundaries, HE on the other hand has ethics to follow, etc…..and HE is the one who is over the line.

I probably should leave him, but don’t want to do that; who knows where this is all going!?

Feel free to e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com

I ve been twice to a therapist to take some counsels.She is wonderfull,very kind and the way she talked to me (acceptance e.t.c.), made me love her.
I told I like her and she told me the same.
Gave her a small present ans she was very enstusiastic. We have many many years age difference.
I am a singer and she told me she will come to see me in the place I sing.
I am wondering if I invite her to my country house near to the sea, if she will come.
Generally, a therapist can become friend with the client?
Things a therapist says(for axample
“I like you, whatever you want I am here for you”)they are real feelings or just part of their job?
Reading all above,I beleive that it is very normal to love someone who seems to care so much about you, to accept you unconditionally to give you advises but I also wonder that perhaps all these creat an attachement relationship with the therapist and this is perhaps dangerous.
Finally I beleive that falling in love with the therapist is not transferrence.It is just love.

I am sure that their are therapists that do emotionally feel for their clients, either positive or negative. I do believe that the feelings are real, whether it be from the client or the therapist. It can become a significant relationship unfortunately with boundaries with that I do disagree with. For in essence, aren’t we just allowing ourself to feel which is a normal part of everyday life.

I am in love with my therapist and it is absolutely very difficult. I told her; she was wonderful about it. I was really scared because I had no clue what she would say (although I had no fear that she would not act appropriately). I knew that I certainly wanted her to say that she loved me too but, I wouldn’t have believed it and it would have felt somewhat silly. Certainly I didn’t want her to belittle my feelings or tell me anything was wrong or not okay. What she said to me was, “I won’t betray that.” (she also let me know that she knew it was difficult for me to talk about and that she respected me for doing so) It felt like the perfect thing to say. I trust her and believe that she will not betray me, and in many ways what I exactly want from her is just that — to not be betrayed. I know that my relationship with her is based soley on the time we have together and on my being dependent on her and on my being able to spill out my guts to her and on her being able to listen to me and offer me her wisdom and care. I understand that I only “know” her as a therapist. I don’t want to be her friend. I realized after telling her that I was in love with her, that what I actually want from her is for her to be my mother. This is a very intense feeling. Right now, I am depressed and sad and it is difficult to know that I never had a mother like her and that I never will. I am jealous of her daughter. I am also addicted to the intimacy I share with my therapist. I look so forward to seeing her and revealing myself to her and to her making me feel so loved. Then I have a hard time being without her, and sometimes barely make it through the week. I feel guilty for needing her as much as I do, and i’m definitely confused over my desire to create and maintain the intimacy we have. I have no idea how my feelings will change.

So how does one handle the situation when it is time to part ways?? The therapist becomes such a big part of your life and it can be years but ultimately, there comes the point of having to say goodbye to a emotionally deep, trusting relationship.

If “we” the client are in pain and decide to seek help from a professional, licensed mental health practitioner, then who are “we” to demand that the professional stop and love us in the manner “we” desire? “We” have the opportunity to bleed in front of the professional in order to be healed, something which did not happen for us, earlier. “We” have to decide whether this professional is the one to trust. If you imagine that the professional is a rock, solid, sizeable, colorful, and “we” get to make the rock into anything “we” need, to heal. The symbolic union is not the sex act. To love can be a verbal union, heart and soul. Perhaps, the differences in personalities, professionals vs “we” make the transference harder or easier? A feeling woman may need to develop her cognitive thinking abilities to become more whole, decreasing pain in daily functioning. How grateful, “we” are when our needs are met. Damn right “we” feel love toward the professional whom “we” know in a deep spiritual healing union. Their family has little or no idea what depths the professional goes to meet the “we”. Thank God for the professional. The ethics protect the professional in times of confusion and protect the innocent “we”.

Donna,
What a perfect way to summarize feelings and connections that can be so strong and so very real. That the heart and soul can be so intimately touched through a non sexual relationship. I feel fortunate for what I feel towards my therapist, not only for my own growth but also to realize the depths that my heart can actually go.

I’m a lesbian who’s been out now for almost 20 years and I’ve been in love with my older female therapist for 10 years now. When I first started seeing her in therapy (10 years ago), she told me that I needed to end the relationship with my now ex-girlfriend because she said it was not healthy (my ex was married, she played terrible mind games, etc..),. I agreed that it wasn’t healthy and so I broke up with her. Well, actually, I did agree, but couldn’t have broken up with my ex until my therapist told me that she’d not see me anymore (for therapy) if I kept seeing my ex. I was already in love with my therapist and knew that one had to go, so I picked my ex to be the one to go. At this time I hadn’t told my therapist that I loved her. After several years of not being able to tell her, I finally made the decision to do so. She understood and told me that she wasn’t gay. To make a long story short, I am still seeing her (in therapy of course) and she says she’ll see me until she retires (which will be in like 3 years). I have not made any progress in therapy and feel that I go to see her cause I like her as both a friend and I also have sexual thoughts of her all the time (which she knows). I have no idea why she want’s to continue to see me (and had done so now for 10 years) if I’m not making any progress. It tends to give me the wrong idea. Maybe she really has feelings for me, or something. Right now she thinks that I have stopped thinking of her in that way. Well, I had. But, months passed and now I’m wanting to kiss her so badly, that I have no idea what to do. I have therapy on Wednesday with her and I just feel like standing up and going over and kissing her. What should I do? What if she just needs to be kissed by me to know that she likes me? I thought I was over her and understood that nothing could ever come of this, even if she were gay. But over the weekend I watched two lesbian movies and they have some how led me to believe that I can still have her in the way I’m not suppose to. Okay, so I live in a fantasy world. Please give me some advice on what to do, or how to get her out of my mind.
Thanks
Michelle
P.S.- My newest psychiatrist (who’s male) is starting to suddently appear attractive to me. I don’t normally think of men in this way, so it’s really a bit odd. Now I’ve got two problems and I’m so so very confused! OMG this is so stressfull!!

Michelle ~

I think you’re channeling your feelings toward your psychiatrists (male and/or female) because they are compassionate and you open yourself up to them emotionally in a way that most people don’t. I have a feeling that the main attraction here is primarily emotional and secondary physical/sexual.

First of all, apologies if my text is not completely clear, but english is not my mother tongue. I would like to add something to Heather’s message of Apr: me too, since one year I’m seeing a therapist 8 years younger than me and like Heather I have fell in love with him, in spite of my efforts to fight this feeling.
I feel so absolutely stupid, and I keep repeating to myself that I have to stop seeing him, because I’m adding yet another problem to the ones that made me ask for help.
You probably know the feeling of having someone listening to you and saying your emotions aloud, without even having to tell him everything. It’s something you don’t experience very often in the “real life”. I have come to consider that space as my house in the wood, the one you usually read about in stories, when the protagonist is lost in the dark wook and she can see a small light behind the window and she can go in and rest for one moment,before having to walk again.
I don’t want to leave that house anymore, though I perfectly know that the therapy will have to end, probably very soon.
Also, I would like to ask you if you ever experience the need to know more about your therapist, about his life, what does he like, what does he feel… Sometimes it’s an unbearable need. I would like to get free of this dependence and at the same time I cannot wait to see him again and being comforted and hear his quiet voice, telling me that he is there to help me.
I just need to add that it was already a relief to find this forum with messages of people experiencing such a situation.

I most definately would like to know more about my therapists life. I am extremely comforted within his prescence and also just with the sound of his voice. I try to fight with every excuse out there but always find myself falling right back into what I feel. In some ways, it’s a positive that I feel when I push everyone else away. But then the reality of it is “how real is this” Or this is “transferance” (which I disagree) Regardless, it sometimes does become an “unbearable need” Or my only hope at the end of the day. So, like Monica said, has this also just become another “issue” to add to why I started therapy to begin with. But with this, it will be my pain in the end for what I feel is so very real. Sometimes, I don’t feel the therapist can grasp the true impact they have upon the client and ironically enough one can walk away feeling even more alone at the end of the day because of the feelings that occur within a “boundary” limited environment.

First thank you to all who have shared their experience. I feel better just knowing I am not alone in how I’m feeling. I have been seeing my therapist for 8 months and have recently realized I have strong feelings for her. I don’t know if it’s love, but I feel it growing in that direction. I have sexual feelings and strong emotional feelings for this woman. She is a lesbian, as am I. I started seeing her while in an abusive relationship which was causing intense emotions from my sexually abusive childhood to resurface. I ended the abusive relationship and have been making steady progress in therapy. I do believe my feelings for the therapist are transferance and that I should tell my therapist about it and explore my feelings, because I beleive there is much deeper meaning attached to them and I would benefit from talking about it. On the other hand, I’m afraid I will lose her. She knows how deeply I have been betrayed by those closest to me and I feel in my heart she would not react badly or innapropriately to my telling her how I feel about her. But of course, I can’t be sure. I’m not prepared to risk that it would change our relationship. I need her. It’s all very confusing, but again…it’s helpful to know there are others like me out there in this difficult situation and I am not alone.

I’m so glad to be reading all of this….not feeling quite so alone or ashamed. I developed very strong feelings for my therapist over the past couple of months. It is very intense, very difficult, and very uncomfortable all of the time—not just during the session. I am a married woman, and my therapist is also a married woman. The feelings are often unbearable—I have shared them on many occasions, and have become grief-stricken at times over the lack of a ‘real friendship’/relationship. I ‘fell in love’ with her–let her in, in a way that I have never let any woman in. My relationship with my mother was extremely painful. She withheld love from me and did not show any form of affection. I now feel that same ’starving’ feeling, only now toward my therapist, whom I admire and respect, but with whom I also have fantasized about being sexual, being best friends, etc. This has opened my heart and has also created a spiritual awakening of sorts. An amazing gift. On the other hand, I am still in emotional agony over this, and it is hard to see an ‘end’ in sight. My hope is that she will know how to get me out of this ‘transference’ into some healing and resolution. Any thoughts, anyone?

Phew… I am sooo glad i finally looked this this stuff up and figured out why I was going CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

This article is such a relief for me that I almost want to cry. I am female and my therapist is female and I do not feel like I am “in love” with her, but I thought we could be friends when the “professional relationship” ended. When she finally told me it could not happen is when it sent me into this crazy tailspin for the last 2 weeks or so.

Now that I know what it is, other than talking to her, how in the world do I get back to normal and function correctly in everyday life?

I do not like the way this makes me feel…

As I called my therapist two days ago,( I have seen her only twice but I am thinking her a lot) I learned that she has a serious illness.
She told me she will fight against her illness.
Since that day I am so so sad. I am thinking her all the time. I can’t sleep.
When I asked her if I can call her again she told me that I can call whatever day and time I want.
I wish I could call her all the time and go and see her.
When I met my analyst I understood that she is the the person who is going to help and advice me in my life.I loved her.And from the first time I wished to be healthy as I want her in my life.I don’t want to lose her.
And now I am in front of a serious situation.
I am wondering if I have fallen in love with (except human feelings everyone has for a beloved person who is ill)
and also I don’t know what to do.

It’s a great help to know that other people go through the same feelings. I fell head over heel in love with my lawyer and had such instense love and desire for him. I had a really hard time because the feelings gave me such a high but also much frustration. I have never love anyone so completely and desperately. I am trying to explain and deal with this as a transference. Hopefully this will lead me to some healing.

I started “seeing” my therapist right after I was discharged from my sessions. Now, almost 8 months later we are still involved sexually and physically. I DO care for him, and he cares for me. But, we cannot date or go anyplace together. It is always a secret. Now, I am at the point where I am VERY confused and bitter and have so many emotions that I don’t know what to do with or what to feel. Although it is a difficult choice, I am contacting a lawyer to have this insanity stopped. I am no longer a VICTIM of this abuse.

Today after telling a dream I had about the ex girlfriend of my boyfriend, my psychoanalysist said that that I’m in love with her, and that it actually was her, my psychoanalysist I was describing - and not the ex - which I thought.
It made me confused, of course my psychoanalysist means a lot to me and helps me out a great deal. But not that much, love is a strong word - am I in denial?
When she said it I just thought that she had gone crazy and didn’t know what to reply.
I will talk to her. It just feels like she is testing and tries to provocate me. I’ve seen her 4 times a week for the past 20 months. But I feel sometime uncomfortable with the power relation between us. She is 40 years older than me, and feels more like a parent.
I don’t know what to do. I guess being honest will solve most of the things.

I have known my Psychiatrist for years, w have socialized at functions , worked together at the hospital and years later I am now his patient 1 1/2 yrs now. At functions etc in the past i was already extremely attracted to him and we got on very well. Therapy has gone well so far, he puts himself out for me and has been protective and skilled. Help, now that I am a patient, the attraction…. is it out of bounds?? What about when the therapy ends?? PLEASE HELP !!! KRIISTENE

I have known my Psychiatrist for years, w have socialized at functions , worked together at the hospital and years later I am now his patient 1 1/2 yrs now. At functions etc in the past i was already extremely attracted to him and we got on very well. Therapy has gone well so far, he puts himself out for me and has been protective and skilled. Help, now that I am a patient, the attraction…. is it out of bounds?? What about when the therapy ends?? PLEASE HELP !!! KRIISTENE

I’m not “in-love” with my therapist. However, I lust after him like crazy. I feel so ashamed and guilty because I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 13 month-old, little boy.

I really like my therapist. I do not love him but, I like him a lot. He has the nicest smile and it’s especially nice that he smiles a lot.

Kriistene again, the attraction has turned to lust,I keep that to myself as I like him to much to comprimise him or myself. He has shown attraction tendancies towards myself, and we will be doing some other activities outside of my therapy together. Despite all of this I am so much better. God I wish he wasn’t so hot.

I don’t know, is it different because I have had this attraction\lust (not in love) prior to my therapy and we have always got along, then When I became ill, he was about the only therapist I knew that dealt well with my situation, I didn,t select him, it was sorted out for me. I am so much better, remained focused during the challenging times. I have frequent sessions, I actually help him with things involving his practice. during sessions we at times just look at each other and not say a word for quite a while.He said I am attractive…ME, god he’s about 6′7 strong, fit blue eyes …gorgeous, what’s a girl to do.? I will try not to be naughty he is far to good, I don’t think I would forgive myself.

having an affair with a therapist can be compared with sexual abuse or incest as the therapist is often view in a transference way as a parent figure.

If you love a therapist and have the courage to you should discuss it with them and hopefully it will help you to develop these normal feelings to take out in the world with you..
I have never fell in love with a therapist though..

Amazing to share a common problem! This alone makes me feel a lot better. I ended therapy yesterday because of my feelings, which felt like it was getting out of control. I’ve been seeing my therapist on/off for 10+ years. I also hate it being called transference. I also think that I would have fallen in love with him in a different setting. He also told me that I didn’t know him well. My feelings also started as being a bit in love, and progressed to sheer lust, which I’m not good at dealing with. He’s married and so am I. I will “return” to my normal life, and try to forget …

I do not love my therapist, the attractions began before the therapy, and unfortunately there are not many qualified Psychiatrists where I live. My therapy is drawing to a close and we have never been inapropriate during my time as a patient.. He most certainly does not resemble anyone from my past, family etc, and I don’t believe these feelings are in my case related to incest or Transference issues. This however may occur in other situations where therapy has gone on for a significant amount of time, and the patient has perhaps a more complicated disorder requiring more frequent and or intense therapy…. sorry but we both just think we have the lust thing happening. !!! take care.

Thanks to everyone for sharing. It makes me feel better knowing that I’m not the only one going through this. I’ve been seeing my therapist for a little over a month. It was only a few sessions before I was intensely attracted to him. I told him and he assured me - a sex abuse survivor - that nothing physical/sexual would ever happen between us. I appreciate his professionalism, but I really, really want to know that he is attracted to me. If I didn’t have a terrific husband and kids, I would seriously want to be with him, but, considering that I do, I am trying to keep myself content with just fantasizing about him kissing me. To say it is frustrating to feel like this is the understatement of the year. I hate wanting someone so much and knowing that I can’t ever have him. I’m supposed to be transitioning to another therapy program soon, which means I won’t be seeing him much, if at all, soon. That seems so wrong, and yet it just might be the best thing for my marriage. But, I just don’t know how it makes sense that someone I adore, and that has influenced my life significantly, will be out of my life forever…

Hi doctor of Psyc….have you got some time for input into our discussions, it would be appreciated… thank you very much Kriiistene

I fell in love with my therapist. It was the most painful and lonely experience that I have ever had and I hope to God it never happens again. Therapy leads a person into, sometimes, intense emotions. Mix some interpersonal chemistry with a consistent relationship that offers unconditional positive regard, and you have a recipe for a situation which is unnatural and intensely seductive. There was no cure for me, except to leave therapy. Because of my emotional vulnerability and my therapist’s eventual hostile reaction (I ended up overburdening him with my unresolved feelings for him), the situation became a highly unsafe one. I don’t believe that what I was experiencing was transference. Freud did not have it all figured out. It was simply a kind of love that would have developed for anyone who had made me feel wonderful and cared for. If he and I had met under different circumstances and he had shown the same “interest” in me that he had in therapy, I do not see any reason why I would not have felt the same way about him. The problem with therapy is that although you might develop real feelings for your therapist, his feelings toward you are merely bought and paid for. They are not real. That is why the seduction is so cruel. Therapists should come with their own warning labels: WARNING: Developing a relationship with a therapist may be dangerous to your health, as the feelings of devotion and admiration you will eventually experience for him will never be returned. Do your heart a favor and take up a hobby, instead. You will live a happier and longer life.

I am so in love with my therapist. I’ve been thinking about him day and night-like some new obsession. This occured after he told my husband and I that he was relocating and leaving his position. We had only been in marriage counselling for about 6 - 7 weeks. Oftentimes during counselling, I would feel that I was in the wrong relationship. The therapist is gorgeous, understanding, loving and let me be my true self. When I first walked in for counselling I found him checking me out, and when I approached him, he got real nervous like a school boy. My husband even asked after the therapist and I cried together, if I thought the therapist he developed a personal connection with me, and I could tell he was becoming jealous. I played it off, but I am hopelessly in love.
I am an artist and this is my therapists last week in the city. I’ve gone by his office a couple of times, trying to make excuses that I want him to call me so that I can paint a portrait of him. He hasn’t called, and in a way it’s a positive thing. I also know he is a christian and a professional, and will do the right thing. I may as well forget about it but it is real hard. I don’t know what to do about it. In the meantime, the relationship between my husband and I has extremely improved. So, not only did he work a miracle in our lives, he left this lasting impression to the point where I am extremely confused. It is very ackward. The therapist probably knows that I am in love with him. It is painful, embarrassing, and shocking. And, I can’t even talk to him about it because he has moved on. I’ve cried every day for the last week. Perhaps I’ll paint the portrait from memory, and write about it. However, I real that these feelings will continue. What’s a phenomenal woman to do? This is what he referred to me as during the last session. I realize that he was doing his job, but perhaps he’s done it a little too well.

To Kriistene, I would love to hear the latest developments in your situation? I actually went back, again, and again and finally, I think, today was my last session for a (long!)while. My therapist actually kissed (closed lips) me after the session, and that really makes my knees weak! He knows how I feel, and we try to discuss the feeling, in terms of reaching a resolution, but I know that he also enjoys the attention, and I also know (I can see…) that he’s attracted to me. He said today, that if he did not care for me, he would contemplate a relationship, but that he knows I will get hurt, and will suffer from the consequences. I have a wonderful husband, and I just need to fall in love with him again. I am so sad, it’s as if I lost a real true love, only I can’t tell anyone, or even explain it to myself!

i’ve been with my current therapist for 2 1/2 years and thankfully i’ve never had feelings of “love” for her. i’ve never wished she was my mother or any of that. i do have the occassioanl sexual fantasy that involves her but i do nearly all women 10 + years my junior.
my concern is, that my T is having these feelings for me. perhaps ‘concern’ is the wrong word…
i’m sure someone out there will tell me this is some kind of transference on my part lol

First of all, with one or two exceptions, it looks as though the people on here who are experiencing these issues of love and lust for their therapists are all women and their objects of affection are male therapists.

I am a 36 year old man who is without question falling deeply in love with the woman who counsels me on a weekly basis.
I am not in counselling/therapy to heal from pain. I am there to continue to grow and evolve into a better, stronger, and more aware human than I could ever imagine being. This is a point I must make clear so that some ground based conclusions can be constructed.

I know now in no uncertain terms that this is not transference. I live far too intentionally to know this as fact.
As others have also noted, I would have fallen deeply in love with her in any other part of my life. Had we crossed paths in some other capacity there is little to zero doubt in what kind of love that would have blossomed.

The truth of it is that what I feel is love in its purest form. It is unbridled. It is very present. It is unabashedly soulful.
This love, like any pure love, is without constraints and bounds. There are no labels attached. There are no conditions.

In fact, as often have been written many a great love stories, forbidden love is not something that should be cast away by the limitations placed on it by the illusion of “tangible” societal ethics.

I do not encourage myself into recklessly embracing a love that in all likelihood will not be reciprocated. That would be an emotional risk that I am unwilling to take.
However, life unto itself is innately risky, so I will calculate carefully whether or not this risk should be taken.

Where I would love to receive some input from others, would be on my intention to raise the issue with her outside of counselling.
Unless the Universe has something in store for me that I am yet to discover, my idea rests in the from of a clearly written letter. This way, I can sincerely offer her the chance to read it in private and away from the reality of being in session. I can offer her a way out of continuing to cousel me as a result of sharing my love, or she can choose to continue to be my therapist without reciprocating the love and acknowledging it. Or the final and ultimately desired outcome, would be that she takes my offered love and gently returns it in full bloom to me outside of the societal constraints placed upon her and I. We could in this case embark down a path that has been taken by some before, is being taken by some presently, and will be taken by many others in the future.

Love has no boundaries.

Transceiver. Therapists are not allowed to have relationships with clients. It depends upon the kind of therapy she is giving you as to whether she can even know you outside of counseling/therapy after two years of not seeing you. Love may have no boundaries, but therapists and counselors are bound by their ethics codes, which force strick boundaries upon them. Love stinks, in therapy, Transceiver.

I would - and do - fall in love with anyone who gives genuine concern, non-judgmental interaction and serious eye contact.

“Transference” is a silly hypothesis. If the exact same relationship qualities could occur more frequently outside therapy, we’d all be falling in deep with a lot more people.

Transference exists in every relationship outside of therapy. Some love attachments are transference-based. But underneath that, they’re all connection and needs based. Therapy fulfills the needs for connection, validation, being known, being heard and being valued.

Falling in love doesn’t require the patient to know the therapist. It doesn’t require the love to know the loved. To LOVE someone requires knowing the other, but to be in love doesn’t. It’s not transference. It’s a crush. It’s a one-sided powerful pull that has little to nothing to do with “the other’s” needs.

Two great books that helped me here when a really great therapist couldn’t deal with this subject very well –

In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists by Deborah A. Lott

Preventing Boundary Violations in Clinical Practice, Thomas G. Gutheil, Archie Brodsky

Hi Susan Dec22nd…pain is on occations incredibly intense when it comes to therapy. I would certainly not incourage a relationship between patient and therapist. My situation at this very moment is as follows, I am continuing to see him in therapy dispite the fact he does not want to continue with private practice…I am very lucky!! I offerred to be referred on but he said no. For many yrs I have watched him work, socialized at Dr. functions and he has remained the same…an amazing caring genuine person. When therapy ends who knows…I have however thought as he is such a wonderful person I would not contemplate hurting or comprimising each other. Having said all of this, I think a fast ride on the back of his motor cycle sounds hot, he knows I am petrified about it !!!! What a hottie, I wish I had never ended up in therapy

Hi kriistene, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I sometimes also wished I could skip this episode completely, like fast-forward!!! I suffer from anxiety and depression, and (un)fortunately these (pleasant!?) feelings have caused me to feel anxious and depressed all over again! It actually helps that I need to focus on getting better again, although it is with his help haha! I try not to think about it as much as before, and am making some progress. When I am better again, I will just have to maybe try and avoid going to see him. Take care! Remember that this is a potential hurting situation, to both of you.

Hi, I agree with you completely, focus and get better that’s the most important thing for you to do. I really wish you well, take care and I had better think of “hotter” things, like….its going to be 112 F “down under” here in inland Australia!!! Guess I won’t be wearing much at the session today!, sorry…..focus, bad Kriitene

Hi K, we’re having much the same temperatures now in South Africa. I’m actually looking forward to the winter!

i fell in love with my therprist 5 years ago, i think i loved her because she showed me love, that she cared. no one ever showed me love before, i knew she was for me and i had to tell her some how, she told me to write my feeling down on paper so i did, at this time i was in a hospital when she read the paper, she didnt show up for work the next day or for next 3mths. another nurse told me it will never happen. they sure know how to rip a heart out. i miss her very much, i hope she reads this and saves me

Stephen JT, Hi…Writing feelings down on paper is an excellant recommendation as we can often find it difficult to verbalise issues that are so important to us. Being with your therapist for so long,and her suggesting to write your feelings down and then not providing a resolution is painful for you, and unprofessional conduct by the therapist. Be strong during your pain and come out at the other end ok….. you will K

Hi Stephen JT… are you there and ok, let us know how you are, take care

if feelings are mutual and therapy is over, how long before one can start socializing with a therapist/client just as friends and perhaps develop a relationship if it is meant to be? I cannot immagine that two people that genuinely care about each other, are not allowed to know one another better, merely for ethical boundaries sake, when those are not longer an issue! Can the doctor reply to this?

Hi MG, I believe in America, the legislation states the patient has to have ceased therapy, including medications for up to a period of 2 years before commencing a personal relationship. I believe this is also the case in Australia, I am not sure. Hope that helps. K

Help

Hi,

I won’t get into to much detail about my situation. That would go on forever. I have been seeing my pshyciatrist/therapist for just under a year now. He is an amazing human being and has helped me deal with my depression issues. He has been patient, kind, understanding and considerate all the while remaining professional. How can I not fall in love with such a wonderful person as this? While I know that this idea of “love” I have for him is Transferance, the issue still remains: I am deeply attracted to him. I believe that to some extent, he is aware of my attraction to him, but it is never discussed. I’m too afraid to bring it up. I think for the most part, that we have connected more on a human level, and I think that this is the reason I find myself physially attracted to him. I am not dillusional in any way in thinking that this man would give up his life/career for me. I know that even if he felt the same way, it could never be because of the circumstances-ie, doctor/patient. My question is this then: Should I tell him how I feel about him? I really want to know that if the circumstances were different, would he feel anything for me? Say, if we had been introduced by mutual friends? Does he think, knowing the person that I am in front of him, could he possibly be attracted to me? I am dying to ask him this..I just want to know what he thinks about me, even if he says no. What is your opinion on this everyone? Your advise is apprecated.

Mr Grohol,

When is that article on countertransferance coming out? I’d be very interested in reading this.

I don’t think I would tell him. I can understand the wanting to know, but if he said yes, and you still can’t do it, does it really change anything?

Hi Clyde,

Thankyou so much for your response. Yes, it’s driving me crazy, and you are right, it doesn’t change anything. In my case though, knowing how he feels about me almost seems enough, but then again it could be dangerous too. I dunno, it’s the ying and the yang. I really want to know, but there are consequences that go with this. In the mean time, I find myself thinking about him all the time, wondering what it would be like. We have amazing conversations. Sometimes, when I see him, the session just involves talking, simple conversations about life, politics, our children, the weather etc., This is what makes it so difficult. For a full hour, here we are connecting as people and then boom, the hour is up. It’s hard to make the transition back, because really it’s no different than sitting with a friend in a coffee shop and discussing our personal woes. Not to mention the fact that I have never been as real with anyone else as I am with him. I’ve told him things that I have never told anyone else in my life. Anyway, any other comments or suggestions are appreciated. In the mean time, I will continue to suffer in silence. So frustrating.

I started therapy after my husband had been seeing this therapist for a few weeks regarding his ability (or inability) to deal with the idea that I wanted to end our marriage. After 8 or 10 weeks I obtained a PPO against my husband. I have not seen him since. Its been 6 months, I continue to see the therapist, and have for over3 months I have started developing strong feelings towards him. A few weeks ago I asked him If I could have a hug from him when our session was over, he said yes and gave me a big hug. He explained that it was ok for me to want that and for him to give that. I am crazy about him. That hug was the final push for me to really accept it. I have wanted to tell him ever since, even though I know it’s perfectly natural for me to develop these feelings, and that they are not really “in love” feelings. It’s more of a real love. Like I have never felt before. I have never felt so accepted and loved by anyone like I do for him. I do not have any sexual feelings for him, but I want so badly to tell him that I love him. What do you think, should I?

Hi Julia,

I think, that after reading your story, you just want to tell your therapist that you love him as a friend, brother, father? I think that there is no harm in this, in fact, what human being would not want to know the impact that they have made in someone’s life? If you are sure that you have no sexual feelings for him, then I say go for it. In my case, I do have sexual feelings for my therapist and there in lies the problem: How do you tell someone you can never have a relationship with that you love them? This is the difference. Be clear when or if you decide to tell him. It makes a difference..believe me, it does. Hope this helps. Suggestions or comments from others are appreciated.

I looked this topic up because of my strong feelings of love for my therapist, who I was seeing for marriage counseling then individual counseling once my husband and I decided to divorce. The sessions only lasted about 5 months, but thats all it took. Based on my experience with therapy, and the unresolved feelings that remain after the original issue is overcome, I will never seek counseling again, nor would I recommend it to anyone. I am very successful at work, financially independent, have grown children, have been married twice, have very loving parents, but am still trying to get my female counselor out of my head and heart. I agree that “transference” (if that is what it is) opens up that vast capacity we all have to love unconditionally, but it leaves me feeling incapacitated because there is nothing I can do to rid myself of it.

No name female,
Yes, this is what makes it so hard. I agree 100% about never going into therapy again. While core issues are resolved, it just opens the door to other issues, ones that we don’t always expect. In my case, I have completley stopped calling him. I no longer see him face to face, but was continuing to talk to him on the phone 2 or 3 times a week (at his encouragement). I finally stopped doing that. I know that he wonders why I haven’t called. Not long ago he called me and left a message to “just check” if I was doing okay. While I know this is a sign of a good therapist, ( He is a wonderful human being and cares for all his patients), hearing his voice drove me mad! I finally made the decision to never contact him again. Having said that, I still think about him, but am much calmer about the situation…not the same urgency as I had before. With time, I hope that the intense feelings that I have for him will become less intense and when I do think of him it will be replaced with fondness.

What if I’m a girl in love with one of my teachers, who sometimes acts like a therapist.. should I still talk to him about it. I know there’s no shame in talking to your therapist about it, but what about a teacher.. it seems much more risky

Jane,

Expressing your feelings to anyone who is in a position bound by a code of ethics is risky. After all, you are putting your feelings out there and most likely the feelings you have for this person will not (and should not) be recieprocated. It’s only risky if the feelings are receiprocated. There is no harm in telling someone that you care about them because they have shown you kindness and compassion, but that is as far as it should go.

hi kriisence (spelling, sorry) yes i am here and ok thank you. why do therapsits, nurses etc.. give the impressive they really like you? ever seen i came out of that psychritic ward i havent been myself. i have no motivative, low self atstrem abit depressed. hardly set foot out the front door. people you got to understand the docs dont care about you, they get paid for making you feel better, aslong as they have progress to put in their report their happy. and when its over your left a wreak.

Good to hear from you stephenJT,I have been in the health industry for 20 years, From my experience they mostly do care. I have some experience of working with SOME that don’t care like they should. Telling you to write you feelings down to give to her was initially good therapy, it can be so much easier than talking. To leave you with no resolution is destroying. If you have to go back to be an inpatient, ……When they are not looking log on and stay in touch Ok !!!Take care…K

Hi Kriisten,

I agree with you. To leave StephenJT with no resolution is just unprofessional, not to mention cruel given his current state. Perhaps he could be referred to another therapist who could help him resolve this issue? I dunno..wish there was some way to help him.

Hi, Dee I guess it depends on what health care you can access in your area… Like it might be remote, city or you just don’t know. I suppose, like most places there are Mental Heath clinics with paid staff and volunteer staff, that may have a good referral basis. Definatetely referring on is the only option when it becomes distressing to the patient and or mental health therapist. StephenJT, as my “other” job in health, I work as a volunteer at a Mental Health Clinic in a country town…. I care, but you may have heaps of pain still. take care.

Hello - what a great discussion! Thank you all for sharing your stories as it has made me feel better about my own situation. I started group therapy about 6 months ago after I went for couple counselling(which was also about 6 months long). My relationship is doing great and since I started therapy I felt I now had the courage to go on and confront my experience of sexual violance. I was naive to think that it was all I had to worry about as the deeper I went I recognized the impact other aspects of my childhood had on me- the domestic violance, the absent father and abandonment issues relating to my mother. All this literally exploded in my face only a week ago and it took the shape of the “mother of all crushes” on my therapist. Yes, I know in my head its not my therapist that I am longing for but its my own mother who was never been there even when I told her about my abuse she simply did not believe me. But my heart, body and soul is on a complete different planet to where my head is as I am constantly craving, yearning and longing for my therapist. The crush is so physical that I feel it is literally crushing me - can’t sleep, eat, nausea and I even skipped my period!
My feelings are out in the open to my therapist and my partner as I am aware this is all rather natural - just hurst like shit! My partner is very supportive and is helping me through this. Also my therapist is handling it very well, being caring but holding the boundaries intact for me. This was all discussed on one to one however, I don’t know how I am going to bring this up in group. Although its all part of the process - just feel a bit foolish and embarrassed about it all.
However, I am afraid that the feelings won’t go away and will stay with me for the rest of my life. I do feel exposed and so vulnarable its scary. I really don’t know how therapists do what they do - they have so much power in their hands.
One question - when I told my therapist about my feelings I also said I was trying very hard to rationalize it and not to indulge in it. She said to me to actually do the opposite to indulge it and fantasize away in every way it wanted to express its self - erotically even. She adviced to use her in any way even for the purposes of masturbation… Yikes! I can’t believe she actually said that to me. Is this normal???
I would appreciate your feedback on this please as therapy is all so new to me.

Thank you and wish all well.

I have been seeing my therapist for 2 1/2 months every week (Saturday) because I found out my boyfriend was seeing someone else and when I found out,he dumped me and I couldn’t get out of the depression. The therapist and I have a lot in common spiritually, morally and background. He tells me some personal things, but not a lot. I told him last week that I found someone on eharmony and we talked for 3 hours and it looked promising. He started questioning me about him far as hold old he was, what he did, etc. All of a sudden he started talking about this person he is seeing and how they have the same birthday and she can tell when he needs a backrub and just comes over and start doing it. She finishes his sentences, etc. I sat there looking at him trying to keep my composure and thats when I realized I was jealous. I tried to keep it together the rest of the session. I knew we had things in common but I didn’t know my feelings were that strong. He was also watching me very intently as though waiting for my reaction.
He said he met the person at work and that I should try to find someone who has basic things in common with me and that “Opposites attract” does not always work.
I am glad I found this site because I can talk about it and understand it better.
I think I am going to talk about it with him Saturday and get it out in the open.

I am a smart woman. I am a moral woman. I am a married woman. I am a woman who has a lot going for her. Yet, I had sex with my therapist. It happened years ago, but I am still affected by it all to this day. The stress, anxiety, hurt, and shame I have felt has been unbearable at times. The truth is, what occurred was clearly abuse. It was in no way, shape, or form love of any kind. Consequently (and unfortunately), I have suffered like many victims of sexual abuse do — I am tortured by flashbacks, panic attacks, terrible dreams, conflicted feelings of embarrassment, self-blame, and so forth. I now think of my former therapist as the worst kind of sexual perpetrator there is — one who takes advantage of another’s pain, vulnerability, and innocence.

If any of this happens to you, find yourself another therapist immediately (despite how flattered you may be):

Therapist extends your appointments
Therapist compliments you on your looks
Therapist gives you gifts
Therapist contacts you for no logical reason
Therapist gazes into your eyes
Therapists touches you
Therapist tells you not to discuss your therapy with anyone else
Therapist tells you he/she would be ruined if anyone found out

I completely agree with what others wrote above. If your therapist expresses his/her feelings about you, it’s time for you to leave. A trained and professional therapist should not make your sessions about him/her. A trained and professional therapist should not take advantage of you or manipulate you in any way. Looking back, I can see how creepy my therapist really was. At the time, however, I felt like I adored him. I wish I had the knowledge and courage to up and leave before things took a turn for the worse. I plead to anyone out there who thinks his/her therapist may be acting inappropriately to terminate the sessions and report the therapist for ethical review.

D13,

To answer your question at the end of your story: NO, this is NOT normal! What kind of therapist would say something like that to their patient? I don’t get it. If I were you, I’d run for the hills and find myself a new therapist..I mean really, that is just so inappropriate.

Sharon,

Just to let you know, something similar happened to me when I was in a session with my therapist. It’s weird when that jealous feeling creep up on you out of no where and are so unexpected. This is what makes it so frustrating. I’d be interested in hearing what the therapist has to say after you tell him at your next session. Hope it goes well.

Marin,

It sounds like such a painful experience. I am so sorry this happened to you. Have you considered reporting him? It sounds like it happened a long time ago, but perhaps you could get some resolution. It’s not fair that you still carry the burden of such an experience. After all, you went to him for help in the first place and he betrayed you. This only makes the situation worse. I hope you are able to find peace with this sometime.

Hi StephenJT, you ok? Chatting on a computer I know is not the same, but there are people behind these pc’s. I tell you I’m having my own stuff going on that I hate, but I would like to hear how you are… let me know …Kriistene

I have always seen my love for my therapist as a gift. It seems like this beautiful and precious emotion that I have wanted to hold and keep in my heart. I did suffer a great deal after first leaving therapy with a grief response to the loss of our relationship, but it never seemed like a burden. It just meant that I cared. My therapist and I spent several sessions discussing my feelings and I was able to fully express them to him which gave me inner peace. I never experienced any anger from this, never needed him to love me back…the pain for me was in not being able to give my love to him. I found it very freeing to “show” him verbally (and with written notes during my last few therapy sessions). I still miss him very much, but I know that he is happy. That gives me serenity. I still love him and I always will. I’ve learned from it and I’ve grown from it. I still feel joy when I think of him. I dislike the “clinicizing” of this sweet emotion I have felt. It’s our place and I hold that in my heart. I take full responsibility for these feelings. This doesn’t have to be a horrible thing when the therapist handles it correctly. It shows us our potential.

Wow, well said Beth. What a great way to express your experience. You seem to have a good handle on your emotions. Sometimes, it takes time to really understand how one feels. As for my experience, now that I am completely removed from him, I am able to look at things with less intensity. My feelings for him look alot like what you said above. Good for you Beth and Thankyou for sharing.

I ve seen my therapist 3 times.From the first time she told she like me very much and didn’t charged the last session.I have given her some presents(seeing her for few minutes during session with other clients) and I am calling her once a month for concerning about her health as she faces a serious problem. She appreciates it and all the presents and shows me love, she always kiss me and hug me the time I meet her (even it is for only a few minutes). The problem is that despite the fact that she says me she wants very much to see me, miss me and wants to meet also my partner and go for coffee or dinner, when the time comes to call her and arrange an appointment( at the time she had said me to call) I can’t find her! I receive her love but when I express my wish to see her, nothing happens.Perhaps they are all accidentally events.
I feel like a fool and even I love her very much and have so warm feelings, I sometimes beleive she plays with emotions and this makes me sad.
Therapists have great power to deal with the emotions of their clients.Eveyone who decides to go to a therapist should be very carefull as regards as emotions and have self restraint as it is very likely to love his/her therapist.

Beth… unreal, about time, a fantastic rational way of approaching your feelings. I share totally your views, this clinical approach I believe is not always applicable. I’m not to sure about the whole Freudian Transference thing… I have always thought he was full of s… Boundaries however do exist for a reason, and do need to be applied…… heal well Beth

Therapy should come with a black box warning!!! Including adverse effects such as fatal attraction, obsessed thoughts and fantasies, rejection and inevitable emotional distress. Falling in love with my therapist was one of the most painful and bitter experiences I ever had. It hurts because my heart grew fonder with every session we had, but deep down I knew that our relationship was not a healthy one for me. Was it even really love? Perhaps a kind of guileless admiration? Some sort of crazy dopey mindless infatuation? i.e. love? Many of us enter therapy because we need help dealing with emotions that overwhelm us during hopeless situations we find ourselves in and can’t seem to get out of. You gradually open up to this kind and gentle stranger before you, who guides you down a soulful path of unearthing (or unclouding) the silver lining that exists within yourself. Then, as one issue gets resolved, another arises. You learn to cope with a personal relationship, and you turn around only to fall in love with this kind stranger who is so good to you! This is a much higher price to pay than you will ever bargain for, especially if like everyone here you learned it the hard way! My last session with my therapist ended about a week ago, and I couldn’t get her out of my head. She seemed to have all the answers to my problems, to accept me so willingly and warmly despite my many flaws and insecurities. I hate this. I feel like I am traveling on a spiraling one-way street, with a dead end, in the dark…a light shines somewhere, but I am blind in love. Even if she says she loves me (I sadly fantasize) I probably won’t believe it, and even if she means it, she can’t return my feelings without violating her professional code of ethics. It’s a lose-lose situation. I feel betrayed and so confused! Of course she doesn’t love me, not the same way I “love” her. I feel like I need her to feel valued as a person, and I want more than her friendship, which I couldn’t even feel like I had?! Right now I just want to get over it and forget about her. Should I go to another therapist to get these feelings sorted? Actually I am probably already doing that by writing here. So love is blind…if this is indeed love, I need to figure out why I love her in order to figure out how to not love her anymore. Some people say that love “just happens” and no rationale can clearly justify true love, but I believe there is a reason for everything. I really want to move on, to find true love. Life is too short to agonize over one person, right?

Jaro,

Indeed. I feel for you. As you have read above, many of us are in similar situations. My advice is this: give it some time. You only just last saw her a week ago and your feelings are intense. I found that in the beginning after I last saw my therapist, I was an emotional wreck. I was carrying my feelings around like a dead weight, another burden to carry, but after a few months my feelings began to change. I looked at the situation much more logically. I began to look at it from a different perspective. Instead of feeling sad when I thought of him, I now felt this sweet feeling come over me, a little sweetness to carry me through the day. Now when I think of him, I realize that I am not in love with him. I just need him to be this person who helps me cope and get me through the day when things get rough and it’s enough for me. Perhaps you could give it a try and see where it takes you. As I said, it is hard to be rational when the feelings are so intense. Just let your feelings carry you forward. Hope this helps. Thankyou so much for sharing.

hi…..God Ive got some pain, I love my family so much, I don’t love my collegue- Psychiatrist at all, I like him to much for that.But I feel something Is really hurting me dispite the rational thinking. What is it , no boundries have been crossed. I am a bit sick of it, wondering if it may delay any remaining recovery… help guys

Kriistene,

I’m not sure I understand. You haven’t said much for awhile in terms of your situation. Did something new happen? What is hurting you? Did your situation with him change?

Hi Dee, no it hasn’t. I had a therapy session today and he regrets that he made a mistake with his practice…in that he wishes to be more available to me.. “and perhaps a couple others” Unfortunately a few things happened in the last few months to me, my young mum has become terminal, it’s dividing the family. My sister in law is also terminal, having chemo also. I had a car accident a little while ago. We kind of enjoy therapy, but unfortunately I may relapse, and he wants to be there for me. Its all a bit awful… could be worse though !! Thanx Dee /…Kriistene

Kriistene,

Sorry to hear that. Life circumstances often get in the way of life! I totally understand. My Mother was terminal and died pretty much at the same time I gave birth to my daughter. This is part of the reason I was in therapy also. Trying to cope with it all. It’s just one of those things and everyone relapses now and then anyway. I hope he is able to help through these difficult times. Know that there are people out there who care. Talk to you soon Kriistene

Thanks Dee, I appreciate that, kind regards

Hi All,

I’m having one of those days where I can’t stop thinking about him. I want to tell him so badly that I really miss him. I haven’t seen or talked to him since January. I thought that I had it under control. After all, it’s been 4 months now. For some reason though, I woke up today having those same feelings for him that I did back then and with the same intensity too. What is a person to do? When will I stop feeling this way? I wish I could just tell him but I’m afraid-What if he gets mad or something…I dunno????

Hi Dee, from what I have have read, it’s apparently therapetic and essentially part of the whole healing process for you. If he has trained properly, these feelings can be dealt with, without hurting you or him. Instead of verbalizing it towards him, write it down if you feel more comfortable. Make an appt. I would expect a health professional not to get mad….that’s bad.
What happened to StephenJT was not on, that’s awful leaving a patient with no resolution. And by the way how are you Stephen, hope your good… take care. K

Hi Kriistene,

Yes, I think that I will tell him on paper. I don’t have the courage to tell him face to face. I already know what I want to say, it’s hard admitting it..even to myself..ah yes, life has it’s moments doesen’t it? God Bless Kriistene, hope all is going well with you too..yes, I am concerned for StephenJT too..wishing him peace..talk to you soon..DEE

Hi Dee, I really hope he will be understanding and above most ethical, and work this through with you together. My best friend is a Psychiatrist, and it’s certainly part of their training if they are committed. They should deal with it and assist you with healing and resolution. I am just surprised this came up with you again after a period of no therapy. I’m great thanks…. should take my own advice though…all’s good, take Dee.

Hi Kriistene,

I wrote the letter, but have not had the courage to mail it yet. I’m still so unsure, but I have to do something..I too have no idea why this came up again..really, my emotions really changed after not seeing him for awhile..it could be that perhaps a year ago this time I was hospitilized for my depression, and he was the doctor that was referred to me. The change in weather has triggered a response I guess and brought me back. I will never forget the first time I saw him, he asked permission to come into my room, he had this big smile on his face, looked at me and said:”We have alot to talk about, don’t we? I was so surprised as most other doctors I had dealt with never gave me the time of day..they were so much more “clinical” and emotionless. He on the other hand, was the total opposite..really caring, and understanding..anyway, I so miss him..I will figure it out, again all the best Kriistene and as you know, it’s easier to give out advice than it is to follow through on our own..you are doing a fine job Kriistene and thanks again..DEE

Hi Dee I would of thought you would make an appt. discuss some other things and then present him with the letter, at that point you may get some kind of reponse, as he will know the letter is a sign of an issue that is difficult for you, and may suggest another session. With some care and a bit of luck! you both can work through it. As for me , I think he’s a hottie , He thinks I’m a hottie, but things are going along the way they should!!!!!!!!!!! Take care K

Hi K,
Well, it’s not that easy. In order for me to see him again, I need to be referred by my family Doctor. This could take months. Once a patient is released from a “specialist” type of service, then the family physician takes over. It’s done to reduce cost (Canadian Medical system). I have thought of calling him and just asking him if I could see him briefly to discuss a slight matter, but have not done so yet. I keep changing my mind about what to do. I think for now, I will keep a low profile. I am seeing my Family physician in a few weeks and will discuss the referral with him. Its hard..really, I just want to be done with it. Good to hear you are both working through it together (one hottie to another :)! I wish I could be so luckey! All the best DEE

Hi Dee, the system is so different here in Australia. Once you have a referral it’s easy to end sessions with a therapist and then recommence them. I live in a relatively small town 50,000, and know al the referring drs. A referral lasts I believe 1 yr. I have not got another referral since(2yrs) ago as I work in the health industry and my husband is a Surgeon. I also worked with my thrapist for 10yrs or so helping with ECTs. I am so sorry it is more difficult for you. Sending a letter via post is tricky, someone else may open it. A quick call explaining you need some resolution with him may work better (if he’s a good man)If you don’t feel ready keep your “low profile” maybe that’s best at this stage. Stay well K

Hi K,

Thankyou, I am fine…a little down about the whole thing but overall just fine. My kids keep on my toes..I have put the referral back in with my family physician. He said that he would push it along as quickly as possible. It gives me time to think about what I shall say to him. You are right about the letter thing. I thought the same thing myself, so I did not mail it. I will wait untill I see him to give it to him. Anyway, no word form StephenJT..hope he is doing okay. I have been waiting for that article on Countertransference to come out..sounds so interesting. Stay well too K…DEE

hi Dee, well done, i just know when confidetial letters come to our practice, husbands a dr, the girls often open it when it’s suppose to be for him, knowing its from a patient with the hots for him. he is surgeon not a therapist. So what i am saying just don’t trust it that way. Yeah, i wonder where StephenJT has been…. hope u r well, drop a line. take care

Hi Dee. I wish there were some way I could talk more with you about this struggle you have been going through. It is a long and difficult road, I know. Your experience sounds very similar to mine. It’s been nearly a year and I still have my up and down days. I still love him and miss him very much. It still feels like a gift. I try to see it as a beautiful part of myself, that I am capable of having such caring and giving feelings for another person. Since I was unable to give my love to him, I’ve worked on bringing him inside of it. So whenever I feel love or joy, he is always there with me. Whenever I do something to help someone, he is there with me. Whenever I try to connect with others, he is there with me. It’s a painful loss, but I can let the love live through me in the choices I make every day to keep on trying. It’s a way of holding the bond and keeping his smile in my heart. Hang in there.

Hi Beth,
Thankyou so much for your thoughtfulness. Yes,our stories are very similar. In thinking about my situation, the thing that really bothers me is that my feelings for him came out of no where. Never in my wildest dreams did I go into therapy thinking that I would fall for my psychiatrist. I am a happily married woman with 2 young children. I have a good life. I’ve never dreamed of being unfaithfull to my husband or even thought of another man, but now I dunno…I so have these amazing erotic fantasies about him sometimes, and, it’s not like my feelings for him happened over time..no, on the contrary, they were instant..from the moment I met him he gave off this really amazing energy, really calming and soothing..being physically attracted to him is the bonus..what is really amazing about him is the type of person he portrays himself to be..really caring, understanding and intuitive..all the things a woman finds sexy in a man! Ha! Above all, he is a decent human being and truly this is what I love about him the most..the fact that he truly cared about me and what was happening with me..hard to find in a world where everyone is so detached from one another..really, the man is one of a kind…I so miss him very much..Thanks Beth, Kriisten and to Dr. Grohol for giving us a place to discuss our feelings. God Bless…DEE

How do I file a complaint against my therapist?

Hi,
Well I think it depends on what kind of therapist you are referring to. Depending on where you live also. A psychiatrist for example is a medical doctor who is usually moinitered by a body of persons who are responsible for maintaining standards of medical practice within a region. In this case, you would forward a complaint through them. Any other licensed therapist usually falls under similar standards under their own bodies. This is how it works in Canada anyway.

Hi… Perhaps the Psychiatric Board of…(Australia) in our case. Your General practitioner may help, Psychological Board of (where you live or the nearest capital city) You would certainly have to go to the state in which they are registered, or they may have dual registration else where. The police if the situation is serious, like they are following you, any form of assult like unwanted contact or something like that….take care dls…K

I sadly can relate to most of these posts. However my situation is a bit different. She isn’t a therapist, she’s a counselor at the drop in centre and I’ve only seen her once (I’ll be seeing her in a few days). About half way through the session I looked at her and realized how beautiful she was and how much I’d like to kiss her. I haven’t been able to get her out of my head and I know that I have a crush on her. I’m scared that once I start going to the drop in centre on a regular basis I’ll be seeing her there a few times a week and It’ll grow into love. I feel as though even if she wasn’t my counselor I would like her anyways… I don’t know what to do, I can’t stop thinking about her!

I am so glad I found this website and finally I got to express my feelings to my therapist. I started seeing a therapist almost a year ago. At that time, I had problem at school, and my husband announced that he liked someone else at our one year anniversery. My therapist, as many other therapists do, is such a caring, understanding, and intuitive person. Did I mention he is handsome too? I felt safe and calm with him. I felt like I can tell him everything and I am always looking forward seeing him. Now a lot of my issues are winding down and I can probably stop my therapy now. But I keep coming back, just to see him and talk to him. Soon I will relocate to another state and I can’t imagine saying goodbye to him. He is probably old enough to be my Dad. But I love him, I sometimes found me talking to myself as if he is in front of me. Due to his profession, I can’t even be friends with him. However I will never forget him, I will always remember that someone had truely cared about me, and no matter what I do in the future, he will always be there with me in my heart. I understand that I am just his job, and he will forget about me as soon as I leave his office for the last time. One thing is clear, I will never see a therapist again. I want him to be the one and the only therapist i had in my life…..I will miss him!

I think you are selling yourself short to think that he won’t remember you. I have little doubt that he will remember. And you can keep him in your heart. I haven’t seen my therapist in 6 months, but I still feel his presence in me very strongly. He helped me find hope and I carry that hope with me now. Take care.

Beth

HI… yep, it can be so difficult, especially when they are real sweeties and gorgeous. It is however great to think in a way that these people are links in our life to be able to hope, feel better,get on with a relationship that’s ultimately not going to harm us or the therapist, and as Beth states carry this hope with ourselves for the rest of our lives.xxxK

thanks, Beth and Kriistene, I will keep him in my heart. Sometimes it hurts, so badly. But i know I will be fine and i wish him all the best!

Hearts can carry a lot space for emotions….luckily. nigh, nigh. xxxK

Hi Everyone,

I’m having a difficult week…I miss him so very much. There are times that I am so angry at him for having this hold on me (of course, he has no idea)for making me feel like I really need him..it’s alot to carry sometimes. Anyway, hope for some resolution soon..waiting for my referral to come through..one step at a time…who knows? Maybe I won’t feel this way when I see him again (I’m hoping)..stay well everyone..God Bless..Pina

Hi Dee, wish I could get you that refferal ASAP to help. It’s so easy here in Australia one referral and it’s for life. As he puts it “we have a lifetime membership together” The first 2 yrs I didn’t have a referral he just saw me and it went from there, poor guy didn’t even get a rebate from the government. I have just made an inquiry about it ( 2 yrs later!) and found out. Very kind man. See StephenJT some are really awesome and care, drop a line mate xxxxx All XK

Hi Kriistene,

Yes, thankyou for your support. I am still waiting..it is such a long procedure here. In the mean time I am trying to focus on all the good qualities he brings out in me. Really, knowing him has made me a better person and I really love him for that. How can I not love him? He is the one person in my life that really stood up for me..its just a very frustrating situation not being able to be with someone you really want to be with..wishing everyone well in their journey…DEE

I am just so mad at myself today…why can’t I just let this go?..really, it’s ridiculous already! What the hell is wrong with me? I know that this can never be, so why can’t I just let it go?..seriously, it has taken over my life!

I am totally in love with my therapist but in a healthy way. He’s wonderful, sweet and kind. When my sessions are over I will ask him out. He’s adorable.

This is a big problem in therapy. Do you suffer from not having your feelings of love returned? Or do you encourage the exploration and risk a broken heart and psyche? I recently engaged in a sexual relationship with a former therapist and after letting the passion run wild I have come to the realization that everything he knows about me made no difference. It was simply about sex. Rape, incest, death, my whole history was insignificant… I was an object to him just as I was to other males in my past. Perhaps I encouraged this, well I know I did. But that’s all I know. I’ve been free falling ever since. Back to the beginning… My point? Rethink your feelings, step away. Don’t act on them. It’s not worth the regret and lingering feeling that you are still worthless.

Good point ZouZou, Be careful, even though most healthy relationships start off in the beginning as a form of Transference and Co-Transference, I mean how do you meet someone, it’s not always in a pub etc. It can work providing ethics and boundaries are maintained when appropriate. And remember all situations are different and shouldn’t be taken in the same way, be careful when necessary, take care K x

Anyone out there watching HBO’s “In Treatment”? Laura is one of us (Transference) and Paul the therapist is Countertransference..very interesting show as we get to witness the therapist dealing with a his own issues regarding the patient..nice for a change..perhaps they suffer a little too? Who really knows? DEE

Hi, my names Pete, I’m a 19 year old male who has been seeing a psychologist for a little over 2 years, She is in her mid 20’s, very beautiful but is married, and i feel as though i am madly in love with her, when i first started to see her i was in a pretty bad place in my life, i was depressed and had dropped out of high school, i had no one in my life i could really talk to so when i first came to her i was amazed at how caring and interested she was towards me and my problems, she genuinely helped me a lot over the next 6 months, and got me enrolled in an alternate way to finish my education. After this i first noticed i had feelings for her, i started to think about her a lot, and had a lot of vivid dreams about her(most sexual), i became obsessed for a few months but continued to see her as i still needed her help. When I started doing my hsc at tafe (in australia)I had low esteem and felt very anxious due to not attending anything like school for almost a year. I was awkward around the other students for a while but with the help of her sessions i was able to get a good handle on my self esteem issues and the anxiety calmed down quite a lot after that. This just made my feelings for her that much stronger, for someone to have helped me so much whilst showing me so much compassion and being so supportive. I had a few girlfriends at Tafe but nothing was that serious nor did anything last more then a few weeks, mostly because they had much different interests then me. I continued to see her for the next 6 months as i felt they were really helping me and keeping me from going back to my old ways, but after a while the feelings i had for her became so strong that they were tearing me up inside, i was constantly thinking about her but i would never be able to do or say anything due to the fear of rejection, so i decided to take a break from her, as seeing her every week never gave me the opportunity to get over her. about 6 months later due to reasons not related to her I tried to commit suicide (mostly due to my mother dieing of drug overdose a few months prior and the depression i felt afterward). A few days afterward she called and said she would really like to talk to me, i said fine because once again i didn’t have anyone that i could talk to about my feelings, and i really needed to. In this session she expressed that she cared deeply for me and she was shocked and very upset when i tried to commit suicide, seeing that she actually felt for me (she was a little teary) i decided to get it off my chest and tell her why i stopped the appointments with her, the fact that i felt this love for her that i didn’t understand and how it was tearing me up inside, and she told me she cared for me a lot, but sometimes a strong emotional bond can form between a psychologist and their client as they are intimately disccusing such personal and emotional issues. And sometimes this emotional bond can feel so strong that you mistake it for being in love. she was so nice about it and it made feel so relieved and better, now that i understand how im feeling i understand that its perfectly fine, it was a natural reaction and im not some freak. sorry about the long post but i read all of your comments and just wanted to share my story

Hi Pete,firstly I’m saddened for you about your mum. Your Tranference” feelings (as it’s labled)is totally normal, it’s almost a natural progression during therapy and often is regarded as part of therapy and healing. Your Therapist was right not to reject you but to discuss it with you instead, it resolves so much in your head I bet. You have been through heaps by the sound of things. Don’t forget if the depression or the slightest suicidal thought returns meds might be required from a Psychiatrist. In Australia a referral from a GP to a Psychiatrist gets you in for life,makes life abit easier. Take care Ok…Kriistene (another OZ !!) PS sometimes I wish I would take my own advice!!!!!

Dr. Grohol: I can tell you that talking to your therapist about your feelings about them, cannot and does not help lessen any feelings. I’ve been in love with my therapist for 5 years; the feelings have not lessened or changed. As Freud said, “sometimes a cigar, is just a cigar.” Sometimes love is simply….love (and not the Freudian transference).

The only place we call love by another name is in the therapist’s office.

Thankyou…Sincerely, Allison

Dr. Grohol,

Well said and 100% true. However, this is what makes it so frustrating-there is no way for those involved to explore these feelings outside of the therapeutic relationship. Even if these feelings are out in the open, you are still left hanging..”what if..” scenerios are played over and over again in your mind. It’s that unknown I think, that keeps one hanging on to those romantic notions. It’s difficult to disengage these feelings because they all come from the same place. In your mind, you understand it, but in your heart you don’t.