[[In this increasingly detached world, someone who spends nearly a full hour with our undivided attention may become quite godlike.]]

I think this is the key. I would add that someone who gives us undivided attention AND cares about us unconditionally (even if they’re paid to) is absolutely ripe for “falling in love with.” Both those things are rare in the therapy patient’s world. (Or anybody’s, for that matter!)

and what happens when your therapist falls in love with you?

Thank God, and JMG! ! clear explanation and usable advice! So I’m not crazy (just a normal nutcase), after all.

I proudly admit that I fell in love with my therapist 30yrs. ago. It was the most healing aspect for me. At the time, I did not understand any intellectual or rational aspect/reason for my feelings. I tried to hide my strong feelings from myself and her. The more I ran the stronger the feelings grew uncomfortable. I finally admitted to her that I love her. Wow! I remember that day! I wanted to die, feeling very child like yet I had to tell her. We talked about my feelings. We talked about her feelings. Once I crossed that internal wall I was able to free myself in many ways. I grew from that day. Now many years later I have so much respect for both client and therapist! And yes I still love her, because she is a wonderful, intelligent, and life long role model for me and many others I imagine she also helped in the sometimes mysterious and deep process of therapy! Trust the process, respect yourself, and go for it!

Something else to keep in mind is that transference is potentially happening in every relationship. The way we interact with anyone, from spouses to shop clerks, is influenced by our earliest relationships. I think that therapy (and similar relationships with teachers, supervisors, etc.) can make it more pronounced but it’s something to keep in mind when you find yourself having an odd reaction to someone.

When I got a fierce old crush on my therapist I was mortified. First of all, I was old enough to be the guy’s mother, so I felt absolutely humiliated by the sheer folly of my passion. Second of all, my passion; the sexual fantasies about him were so intense, so elaborate and so constant. You say it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but I sure felt like a damned silly idiot every time I was in his office.

And I would have just died if I had thought he was aware of my feelings for him.

So here’s a little question I’ve worried about from time to time: do doctors know when their patients are in such an agonized state? (And if so, is there anything the therapist can do to ease the tension–without embarrassing the patient?)

If you wish to answer, JMG, please make the answer be, Oh no, we’re all clueless and never have any idea when such things happen . . . . .

My therapist encouraged me to get what “I needed” out of the relationship and ensured me that he holds these feelings close. The transference is the tool many therapists use to help the patient work through complicated feelings and affect. In many “modern” analytical therapies, this is an important aspect of the relationship. In other words, the transference is encouraged, and used as a building block for growth.

I started therapy 5 years ago and stopped (officially) around 2 1/2 years ago. During therapy my therapist told me she would always be there for me unless she died and that after therapy finished we could be friends. I wanted to believe her and I almost did but I always feared that she was just saying that to make me feel better and that her belief really was that I wouldn’t need her after therapy was over. I progressed alot with her and i think the “transference” aspect was effective in many ways … I loved her and still love her deeply. She moved to the other side of the world a year ago which was painstakingly difficult for me and since then (and also since the beginning of the therapy) we have stayed in contact very regularly and I have been to visit her in her new environment and yes, the relationship has become friendship, most of the time. We get on well and we understand each other sometimes without speaking. My issue is that I feel stuck. I care for her so much and she shows that she cares for me in various ways but I feel she is pulling away from me. I rely on her so much whenever i feel bad (I have BPD) and have extreme changes of mood sometimes and I feel that I disappoint her when I get like that. I still need her to be there in lots of ways, as a friend, as a mother but I wouldn’t have to ask my mother if I could come and visit tomorrow for example. I could just go. Her husband doesn’t seem to like me very much either… She came back for a few weeks recently and apart from telling me where she was and calling each other, she didn’t show any interest in seeing me and yet she was so close by. I know she was busy but it hurt me alot and other seemingly insignificant things like this hurt me also. I wrote to her about this but she never commented on it. i’m scared to push and ask questions as i don’t want to lose her but at the same time, I feel I need some answers.

I think it is risky to share your feelings with your therapist. Although they are trained to handle “transferrance,” they are still human. Better to read articles like this one, so you understand why you feel the way you do. Then, vent your feelings to a friend. I recently went to a therapist for treatment of depression. I developed intense feelings of tenderness and fondness for this man. I never shared my feelings with him, but after our last session I hugged him and kissed his cheek. He was always very ethical and professional with me. But given the tenderness we shared during that hug, I’m glad I kept my feelings to myself. He is a highly respected man in my community, and I am respected in my circle of friends and co-workers as well. You do the math…

To add to my comment above… Why risk tempting your therapist? He/she may have feelings for you as well. In my experience, if I have feelings for someone, then find out that they have feelings for me, it intensifies the attraction! Perhaps when this happens it’s best to seek out another therapist, for your sake and theirs. Remember the movie “Prince of Tides”?

ugh. i subscribe to psychcentral’s rss feed and saw this article and tried so hard not to click on the link, but here i am. i’m completely in love w/ my therapist and it’s one of the most painful experiences i’ve ever been in. i’ve been seeing her for several months at the clinic at a local university and we’re the same age (more or less, i’m assuming– she’s completely dead set against telling me anything personal about herself), have similar senses of humor, and, on the face of it, seem like we’d get along outside the therapeutic setting. i found her very attractive when i met her, but didn’t really think anything of it. i used to think my boss was attractive when i met her too, but my relationship w/ her always remained completely professional and over time my attraction to her waned. i thought the same would happen w/ my therapist; god, how wrong i was. for the first few months things were fine, but then i started to notice that i was thinking about her a lot and would miss her when i wasn’t in session. i knew i was transferring, and figured it would pass, but it’s just gotten worse. i told her in january that i have feelings for her, although i did not use the word “love.” i felt extremely embarrassed immediately after telling her, but she seemed very eager (almost happy) to talk about it. she always compares herself to my ex’s and tells me that “what happens out there can play out in here.” i understand what she’s doing by saying these things, but still, she confuses me b/c she’ll ask me how she can show me that she cares about me, and then i’ll say that she doesn’t *really* care, that she “has” to care, etc. and she’ll say, “you think i’m that mechanical? you think i don’t think about you when you’re not here w/ me? that i’m just trained to care about you?” and we have these “moments” where it’s really intense and we’re just sitting there, staring at each other, and it feels like something is happening, but then i don’t know. then there are times where i’ll want her to tell me she cares about me and she’ll say, “i care about the work– i don’t want you to think we’re in a relationship.” and then i just sit there feeling ridiculous and confused. i’m usually good at reading people but i can’t figure her out. i’ve been in a lot of relationships, but this is by far the most painful and intense “relationship” i’ve ever had in my life. i used to push her away and be as difficult as possible w/ her so she’d transfer me to someone else, but she said she’s never even considered referring me to someone else. at this point i’m tired of fighting how i feel and pushing her, but i have no idea what to do now. i finally told her that i love her the other day and she said, “but you don’t know me.” once again, i felt embarrassed and ashamed. of course, i don’t know her. no shit. i think virginia is right: i really regret admitting my feelings for her. but i really just wish i didn’t have them at all to begin with.

Arguably a common enough experience in therapy. It has to be recognized and dealt with it asap for the furtherance of the process. Failure to resolve the issue of transference is detrimental. So is it with similar feelings from the therapist: the moment you see it, say “Achtung”, deal with it honestly and with courage if one does not want to end the therapy in a fiasco. Besides it is unethical.

Good article.
My therapist is fine with me saying that I love her. I ofcourse explained that I love her because she is kind of like the mother of my inner child. I didn’t get much encouragement, acceptance etc. So, I love her because she gives me what I can’t seem to give myself at times. (I’m now crying.) I love how she believes in me when I can’t seem to believe in myself. She says that she isn’t going anywhere for a while.
All humans need encouragement, acceptance and other positive emotions. If we get this from a therapist when we can’t give it to ourselves. It’s only natural that we might feel that we love our therapist.

I believe that depending on your inner emotions and well being to begin with, an issue such as transference can only add to your feelings of worthlessness and pain

Boundaries. Just because the client (me) feels in love with my therapist does not mean that “concrete sex” will occur. A mature and knowing therapist will not act on thoughts or feelings, knowing that only hurt/pain would engulf both themself and you. Symbolically sex occurs, but not in actuality. Thus, the reason for our biological reaction, cognitive reaction, strong heart beats, and soul stirring reactions.
This process is scary. Perhaps some run away because the therapist won’t return the love act. I suggest that you don’t tell, unless your destiny and soul make the demand.
If the therapist does not respect the boundaries, run and report them. A hug is not against therapetic ethics. A counselor is to do no harm.
Remember the purpose of your relationship to this therapist: Healing! You entered therapy to stop your pain? Not DO your therapist!!!

I do think that sometimes therapist take the boundary level to far in the sense of keeping the patient/client relationship at a distance. Just because the client feels emotions does not mean that the therapist extending a hand or a hug in a compassionate manner is unethical and it can be done in the most respectful of ways.

Aaron I get the comment “but you don’t know me” or “it isn’t about me”. It makes me want to scream.

It is almost like they ‘therapeutically lead us on (or is it therapeutic?)” just enough to keep it rolling and then slap us with “it isn’t about me”. This comment does not help, it hurts.

Early on I heard this so often from my therapist, I just didn’t know what to do with these feelings. It actually hurt my progress because I didn’t feel accepted so I could talk more about them, I felt ashamed.

So then I started acting out with other men for awhile and obviously that isn’t good either. I didn’t realize at first that I was running my these intense feelings.

A message to all therapists: Y’all obviously know about transference and its intesity, please put trust in us and not the boundary potential or OMG lawsuits that can be suited with these feelings (if patient/therapist fall into that).

We need that from you desperately.

I have been seeing a therapist for 3 years and am still struggling with all these transference emotions. It’s not erotic. I just want to be part of his life, a friend or child of his. It took me a while to talk about this in therapy and when I first told him I loved him, he said you don’t really know me and that he didn’t love me in the same way as I loved him. That I needed him more than he needed me. He has been so kind and compassionate about this without being dismissive or crossing any boundaries. It’s made me cry so many times and I have dreams about him treating me with cruelty. But he is experienced working with transference and talking about it with him really helps. Being honest with a therapist who understands and can work with transference is a very painful but incredibly rewarding experience.

I find that this transference thing is terrible. I’m crazy about my therapist, and I look forward to seeing him. I think it is a lesson in pure frustration.

If my therapist returned the feelings I’d have an affair with him, and never tell anyone. I would never report him!

I’ve been in love with my therapist for 4 years. It is NOT transference…if I had met him anywhere else, I would have felt the same.

I finally got the courage years ago to tell him. He handled it with delicacy and sensitivity.

Unfortunately, he has feelings for me, also…..he “sexualized” our relationship (no…no sex), but double entendres, etc., etc……I could write a book about what he has said and done.

He knows he should refer me, but said: “My colleagues would tell me to run fast and far, but I will never abandon you.”

A few (of the leading things): “You are in my heart and in my head.” WE find it hard to end the session, and WE find it hard to say goodbye.” If I were not married, I would probably go for it.”

I love him….and hate him for what he has done. He has also said: “I am torn and confused, scared and conflicted.” A therapist is supposed to (when attracted to a client); do their work invisibly so the client isn’t aware of their “stuff.”

Went to him because my church voted me out of membership because I got a divorce; and he journeyed with me while I fought the spiritually abusive church (for 18 months), but I stayed with him; that was 4 years ago.

We attended the same conference together; but I didn’t call him until the last day; went to a dance and he told me later (I was shocked), that he spent a half an hour looking for me. He saw me 5 times but didn’t speak (their silly rules)….

The ironic thing is that as a client I can behave any way I want to, and I haven’t crossed any boundaries, HE on the other hand has ethics to follow, etc…..and HE is the one who is over the line.

I probably should leave him, but don’t want to do that; who knows where this is all going!?

Feel free to e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com

I ve been twice to a therapist to take some counsels.She is wonderfull,very kind and the way she talked to me (acceptance e.t.c.), made me love her.
I told I like her and she told me the same.
Gave her a small present ans she was very enstusiastic. We have many many years age difference.
I am a singer and she told me she will come to see me in the place I sing.
I am wondering if I invite her to my country house near to the sea, if she will come.
Generally, a therapist can become friend with the client?
Things a therapist says(for axample
“I like you, whatever you want I am here for you”)they are real feelings or just part of their job?
Reading all above,I beleive that it is very normal to love someone who seems to care so much about you, to accept you unconditionally to give you advises but I also wonder that perhaps all these creat an attachement relationship with the therapist and this is perhaps dangerous.
Finally I beleive that falling in love with the therapist is not transferrence.It is just love.

I am sure that their are therapists that do emotionally feel for their clients, either positive or negative. I do believe that the feelings are real, whether it be from the client or the therapist. It can become a significant relationship unfortunately with boundaries with that I do disagree with. For in essence, aren’t we just allowing ourself to feel which is a normal part of everyday life.

I am in love with my therapist and it is absolutely very difficult. I told her; she was wonderful about it. I was really scared because I had no clue what she would say (although I had no fear that she would not act appropriately). I knew that I certainly wanted her to say that she loved me too but, I wouldn’t have believed it and it would have felt somewhat silly. Certainly I didn’t want her to belittle my feelings or tell me anything was wrong or not okay. What she said to me was, “I won’t betray that.” (she also let me know that she knew it was difficult for me to talk about and that she respected me for doing so) It felt like the perfect thing to say. I trust her and believe that she will not betray me, and in many ways what I exactly want from her is just that — to not be betrayed. I know that my relationship with her is based soley on the time we have together and on my being dependent on her and on my being able to spill out my guts to her and on her being able to listen to me and offer me her wisdom and care. I understand that I only “know” her as a therapist. I don’t want to be her friend. I realized after telling her that I was in love with her, that what I actually want from her is for her to be my mother. This is a very intense feeling. Right now, I am depressed and sad and it is difficult to know that I never had a mother like her and that I never will. I am jealous of her daughter. I am also addicted to the intimacy I share with my therapist. I look so forward to seeing her and revealing myself to her and to her making me feel so loved. Then I have a hard time being without her, and sometimes barely make it through the week. I feel guilty for needing her as much as I do, and i’m definitely confused over my desire to create and maintain the intimacy we have. I have no idea how my feelings will change.

So how does one handle the situation when it is time to part ways?? The therapist becomes such a big part of your life and it can be years but ultimately, there comes the point of having to say goodbye to a emotionally deep, trusting relationship.

If “we” the client are in pain and decide to seek help from a professional, licensed mental health practitioner, then who are “we” to demand that the professional stop and love us in the manner “we” desire? “We” have the opportunity to bleed in front of the professional in order to be healed, something which did not happen for us, earlier. “We” have to decide whether this professional is the one to trust. If you imagine that the professional is a rock, solid, sizeable, colorful, and “we” get to make the rock into anything “we” need, to heal. The symbolic union is not the sex act. To love can be a verbal union, heart and soul. Perhaps, the differences in personalities, professionals vs “we” make the transference harder or easier? A feeling woman may need to develop her cognitive thinking abilities to become more whole, decreasing pain in daily functioning. How grateful, “we” are when our needs are met. Damn right “we” feel love toward the professional whom “we” know in a deep spiritual healing union. Their family has little or no idea what depths the professional goes to meet the “we”. Thank God for the professional. The ethics protect the professional in times of confusion and protect the innocent “we”.

Donna,
What a perfect way to summarize feelings and connections that can be so strong and so very real. That the heart and soul can be so intimately touched through a non sexual relationship. I feel fortunate for what I feel towards my therapist, not only for my own growth but also to realize the depths that my heart can actually go.

I’m a lesbian who’s been out now for almost 20 years and I’ve been in love with my older female therapist for 10 years now. When I first started seeing her in therapy (10 years ago), she told me that I needed to end the relationship with my now ex-girlfriend because she said it was not healthy (my ex was married, she played terrible mind games, etc..),. I agreed that it wasn’t healthy and so I broke up with her. Well, actually, I did agree, but couldn’t have broken up with my ex until my therapist told me that she’d not see me anymore (for therapy) if I kept seeing my ex. I was already in love with my therapist and knew that one had to go, so I picked my ex to be the one to go. At this time I hadn’t told my therapist that I loved her. After several years of not being able to tell her, I finally made the decision to do so. She understood and told me that she wasn’t gay. To make a long story short, I am still seeing her (in therapy of course) and she says she’ll see me until she retires (which will be in like 3 years). I have not made any progress in therapy and feel that I go to see her cause I like her as both a friend and I also have sexual thoughts of her all the time (which she knows). I have no idea why she want’s to continue to see me (and had done so now for 10 years) if I’m not making any progress. It tends to give me the wrong idea. Maybe she really has feelings for me, or something. Right now she thinks that I have stopped thinking of her in that way. Well, I had. But, months passed and now I’m wanting to kiss her so badly, that I have no idea what to do. I have therapy on Wednesday with her and I just feel like standing up and going over and kissing her. What should I do? What if she just needs to be kissed by me to know that she likes me? I thought I was over her and understood that nothing could ever come of this, even if she were gay. But over the weekend I watched two lesbian movies and they have some how led me to believe that I can still have her in the way I’m not suppose to. Okay, so I live in a fantasy world. Please give me some advice on what to do, or how to get her out of my mind.
Thanks
Michelle
P.S.- My newest psychiatrist (who’s male) is starting to suddently appear attractive to me. I don’t normally think of men in this way, so it’s really a bit odd. Now I’ve got two problems and I’m so so very confused! OMG this is so stressfull!!

Michelle ~

I think you’re channeling your feelings toward your psychiatrists (male and/or female) because they are compassionate and you open yourself up to them emotionally in a way that most people don’t. I have a feeling that the main attraction here is primarily emotional and secondary physical/sexual.

First of all, apologies if my text is not completely clear, but english is not my mother tongue. I would like to add something to Heather’s message of Apr: me too, since one year I’m seeing a therapist 8 years younger than me and like Heather I have fell in love with him, in spite of my efforts to fight this feeling.
I feel so absolutely stupid, and I keep repeating to myself that I have to stop seeing him, because I’m adding yet another problem to the ones that made me ask for help.
You probably know the feeling of having someone listening to you and saying your emotions aloud, without even having to tell him everything. It’s something you don’t experience very often in the “real life”. I have come to consider that space as my house in the wood, the one you usually read about in stories, when the protagonist is lost in the dark wook and she can see a small light behind the window and she can go in and rest for one moment,before having to walk again.
I don’t want to leave that house anymore, though I perfectly know that the therapy will have to end, probably very soon.
Also, I would like to ask you if you ever experience the need to know more about your therapist, about his life, what does he like, what does he feel… Sometimes it’s an unbearable need. I would like to get free of this dependence and at the same time I cannot wait to see him again and being comforted and hear his quiet voice, telling me that he is there to help me.
I just need to add that it was already a relief to find this forum with messages of people experiencing such a situation.

I most definately would like to know more about my therapists life. I am extremely comforted within his prescence and also just with the sound of his voice. I try to fight with every excuse out there but always find myself falling right back into what I feel. In some ways, it’s a positive that I feel when I push everyone else away. But then the reality of it is “how real is this” Or this is “transferance” (which I disagree) Regardless, it sometimes does become an “unbearable need” Or my only hope at the end of the day. So, like Monica said, has this also just become another “issue” to add to why I started therapy to begin with. But with this, it will be my pain in the end for what I feel is so very real. Sometimes, I don’t feel the therapist can grasp the true impact they have upon the client and ironically enough one can walk away feeling even more alone at the end of the day because of the feelings that occur within a “boundary” limited environment.

First thank you to all who have shared their experience. I feel better just knowing I am not alone in how I’m feeling. I have been seeing my therapist for 8 months and have recently realized I have strong feelings for her. I don’t know if it’s love, but I feel it growing in that direction. I have sexual feelings and strong emotional feelings for this woman. She is a lesbian, as am I. I started seeing her while in an abusive relationship which was causing intense emotions from my sexually abusive childhood to resurface. I ended the abusive relationship and have been making steady progress in therapy. I do believe my feelings for the therapist are transferance and that I should tell my therapist about it and explore my feelings, because I beleive there is much deeper meaning attached to them and I would benefit from talking about it. On the other hand, I’m afraid I will lose her. She knows how deeply I have been betrayed by those closest to me and I feel in my heart she would not react badly or innapropriately to my telling her how I feel about her. But of course, I can’t be sure. I’m not prepared to risk that it would change our relationship. I need her. It’s all very confusing, but again…it’s helpful to know there are others like me out there in this difficult situation and I am not alone.

I’m so glad to be reading all of this….not feeling quite so alone or ashamed. I developed very strong feelings for my therapist over the past couple of months. It is very intense, very difficult, and very uncomfortable all of the time—not just during the session. I am a married woman, and my therapist is also a married woman. The feelings are often unbearable—I have shared them on many occasions, and have become grief-stricken at times over the lack of a ‘real friendship’/relationship. I ‘fell in love’ with her–let her in, in a way that I have never let any woman in. My relationship with my mother was extremely painful. She withheld love from me and did not show any form of affection. I now feel that same ’starving’ feeling, only now toward my therapist, whom I admire and respect, but with whom I also have fantasized about being sexual, being best friends, etc. This has opened my heart and has also created a spiritual awakening of sorts. An amazing gift. On the other hand, I am still in emotional agony over this, and it is hard to see an ‘end’ in sight. My hope is that she will know how to get me out of this ‘transference’ into some healing and resolution. Any thoughts, anyone?

Phew… I am sooo glad i finally looked this this stuff up and figured out why I was going CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

This article is such a relief for me that I almost want to cry. I am female and my therapist is female and I do not feel like I am “in love” with her, but I thought we could be friends when the “professional relationship” ended. When she finally told me it could not happen is when it sent me into this crazy tailspin for the last 2 weeks or so.

Now that I know what it is, other than talking to her, how in the world do I get back to normal and function correctly in everyday life?

I do not like the way this makes me feel…

As I called my therapist two days ago,( I have seen her only twice but I am thinking her a lot) I learned that she has a serious illness.
She told me she will fight against her illness.
Since that day I am so so sad. I am thinking her all the time. I can’t sleep.
When I asked her if I can call her again she told me that I can call whatever day and time I want.
I wish I could call her all the time and go and see her.
When I met my analyst I understood that she is the the person who is going to help and advice me in my life.I loved her.And from the first time I wished to be healthy as I want her in my life.I don’t want to lose her.
And now I am in front of a serious situation.
I am wondering if I have fallen in love with (except human feelings everyone has for a beloved person who is ill)
and also I don’t know what to do.

It’s a great help to know that other people go through the same feelings. I fell head over heel in love with my lawyer and had such instense love and desire for him. I had a really hard time because the feelings gave me such a high but also much frustration. I have never love anyone so completely and desperately. I am trying to explain and deal with this as a transference. Hopefully this will lead me to some healing.

I started “seeing” my therapist right after I was discharged from my sessions. Now, almost 8 months later we are still involved sexually and physically. I DO care for him, and he cares for me. But, we cannot date or go anyplace together. It is always a secret. Now, I am at the point where I am VERY confused and bitter and have so many emotions that I don’t know what to do with or what to feel. Although it is a difficult choice, I am contacting a lawyer to have this insanity stopped. I am no longer a VICTIM of this abuse.

Today after telling a dream I had about the ex girlfriend of my boyfriend, my psychoanalysist said that that I’m in love with her, and that it actually was her, my psychoanalysist I was describing - and not the ex - which I thought.
It made me confused, of course my psychoanalysist means a lot to me and helps me out a great deal. But not that much, love is a strong word - am I in denial?
When she said it I just thought that she had gone crazy and didn’t know what to reply.
I will talk to her. It just feels like she is testing and tries to provocate me. I’ve seen her 4 times a week for the past 20 months. But I feel sometime uncomfortable with the power relation between us. She is 40 years older than me, and feels more like a parent.
I don’t know what to do. I guess being honest will solve most of the things.

I have known my Psychiatrist for years, w have socialized at functions , worked together at the hospital and years later I am now his patient 1 1/2 yrs now. At functions etc in the past i was already extremely attracted to him and we got on very well. Therapy has gone well so far, he puts himself out for me and has been protective and skilled. Help, now that I am a patient, the attraction…. is it out of bounds?? What about when the therapy ends?? PLEASE HELP !!! KRIISTENE

I have known my Psychiatrist for years, w have socialized at functions , worked together at the hospital and years later I am now his patient 1 1/2 yrs now. At functions etc in the past i was already extremely attracted to him and we got on very well. Therapy has gone well so far, he puts himself out for me and has been protective and skilled. Help, now that I am a patient, the attraction…. is it out of bounds?? What about when the therapy ends?? PLEASE HELP !!! KRIISTENE

I’m not “in-love” with my therapist. However, I lust after him like crazy. I feel so ashamed and guilty because I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful 13 month-old, little boy.

I really like my therapist. I do not love him but, I like him a lot. He has the nicest smile and it’s especially nice that he smiles a lot.

Kriistene again, the attraction has turned to lust,I keep that to myself as I like him to much to comprimise him or myself. He has shown attraction tendancies towards myself, and we will be doing some other activities outside of my therapy together. Despite all of this I am so much better. God I wish he wasn’t so hot.

I don’t know, is it different because I have had this attraction\lust (not in love) prior to my therapy and we have always got along, then When I became ill, he was about the only therapist I knew that dealt well with my situation, I didn,t select him, it was sorted out for me. I am so much better, remained focused during the challenging times. I have frequent sessions, I actually help him with things involving his practice. during sessions we at times just look at each other and not say a word for quite a while.He said I am attractive…ME, god he’s about 6′7 strong, fit blue eyes …gorgeous, what’s a girl to do.? I will try not to be naughty he is far to good, I don’t think I would forgive myself.

having an affair with a therapist can be compared with sexual abuse or incest as the therapist is often view in a transference way as a parent figure.

If you love a therapist and have the courage to you should discuss it with them and hopefully it will help you to develop these normal feelings to take out in the world with you..
I have never fell in love with a therapist though..

Amazing to share a common problem! This alone makes me feel a lot better. I ended therapy yesterday because of my feelings, which felt like it was getting out of control. I’ve been seeing my therapist on/off for 10+ years. I also hate it being called transference. I also think that I would have fallen in love with him in a different setting. He also told me that I didn’t know him well. My feelings also started as being a bit in love, and progressed to sheer lust, which I’m not good at dealing with. He’s married and so am I. I will “return” to my normal life, and try to forget …

I do not love my therapist, the attractions began before the therapy, and unfortunately there are not many qualified Psychiatrists where I live. My therapy is drawing to a close and we have never been inapropriate during my time as a patient.. He most certainly does not resemble anyone from my past, family etc, and I don’t believe these feelings are in my case related to incest or Transference issues. This however may occur in other situations where therapy has gone on for a significant amount of time, and the patient has perhaps a more complicated disorder requiring more frequent and or intense therapy…. sorry but we both just think we have the lust thing happening. !!! take care.

Thanks to everyone for sharing. It makes me feel better knowing that I’m not the only one going through this. I’ve been seeing my therapist for a little over a month. It was only a few sessions before I was intensely attracted to him. I told him and he assured me - a sex abuse survivor - that nothing physical/sexual would ever happen between us. I appreciate his professionalism, but I really, really want to know that he is attracted to me. If I didn’t have a terrific husband and kids, I would seriously want to be with him, but, considering that I do, I am trying to keep myself content with just fantasizing about him kissing me. To say it is frustrating to feel like this is the understatement of the year. I hate wanting someone so much and knowing that I can’t ever have him. I’m supposed to be transitioning to another therapy program soon, which means I won’t be seeing him much, if at all, soon. That seems so wrong, and yet it just might be the best thing for my marriage. But, I just don’t know how it makes sense that someone I adore, and that has influenced my life significantly, will be out of my life forever…

Hi doctor of Psyc….have you got some time for input into our discussions, it would be appreciated… thank you very much Kriiistene

I fell in love with my therapist. It was the most painful and lonely experience that I have ever had and I hope to God it never happens again. Therapy leads a person into, sometimes, intense emotions. Mix some interpersonal chemistry with a consistent relationship that offers unconditional positive regard, and you have a recipe for a situation which is unnatural and intensely seductive. There was no cure for me, except to leave therapy. Because of my emotional vulnerability and my therapist’s eventual hostile reaction (I ended up overburdening him with my unresolved feelings for him), the situation became a highly unsafe one. I don’t believe that what I was experiencing was transference. Freud did not have it all figured out. It was simply a kind of love that would have developed for anyone who had made me feel wonderful and cared for. If he and I had met under different circumstances and he had shown the same “interest” in me that he had in therapy, I do not see any reason why I would not have felt the same way about him. The problem with therapy is that although you might develop real feelings for your therapist, his feelings toward you are merely bought and paid for. They are not real. That is why the seduction is so cruel. Therapists should come with their own warning labels: WARNING: Developing a relationship with a therapist may be dangerous to your health, as the feelings of devotion and admiration you will eventually experience for him will never be returned. Do your heart a favor and take up a hobby, instead. You will live a happier and longer life.

I am so in love with my therapist. I’ve been thinking about him day and night-like some new obsession. This occured after he told my husband and I that he was relocating and leaving his position. We had only been in marriage counselling for about 6 - 7 weeks. Oftentimes during counselling, I would feel that I was in the wrong relationship. The therapist is gorgeous, understanding, loving and let me be my true self. When I first walked in for counselling I found him checking me out, and when I approached him, he got real nervous like a school boy. My husband even asked after the therapist and I cried together, if I thought the therapist he developed a personal connection with me, and I could tell he was becoming jealous. I played it off, but I am hopelessly in love.
I am an artist and this is my therapists last week in the city. I’ve gone by his office a couple of times, trying to make excuses that I want him to call me so that I can paint a portrait of him. He hasn’t called, and in a way it’s a positive thing. I also know he is a christian and a professional, and will do the right thing. I may as well forget about it but it is real hard. I don’t know what to do about it. In the meantime, the relationship between my husband and I has extremely improved. So, not only did he work a miracle in our lives, he left this lasting impression to the point where I am extremely confused. It is very ackward. The therapist probably knows that I am in love with him. It is painful, embarrassing, and shocking. And, I can’t even talk to him about it because he has moved on. I’ve cried every day for the last week. Perhaps I’ll paint the portrait from memory, and write about it. However, I real that these feelings will continue. What’s a phenomenal woman to do? This is what he referred to me as during the last session. I realize that he was doing his job, but perhaps he’s done it a little too well.

To Kriistene, I would love to hear the latest developments in your situation? I actually went back, again, and again and finally, I think, today was my last session for a (long!)while. My therapist actually kissed (closed lips) me after the session, and that really makes my knees weak! He knows how I feel, and we try to discuss the feeling, in terms of reaching a resolution, but I know that he also enjoys the attention, and I also know (I can see…) that he’s attracted to me. He said today, that if he did not care for me, he would contemplate a relationship, but that he knows I will get hurt, and will suffer from the consequences. I have a wonderful husband, and I just need to fall in love with him again. I am so sad, it’s as if I lost a real true love, only I can’t tell anyone, or even explain it to myself!

i’ve been with my current therapist for 2 1/2 years and thankfully i’ve never had feelings of “love” for her. i’ve never wished she was my mother or any of that. i do have the occassioanl sexual fantasy that involves her but i do nearly all women 10 + years my junior.
my concern is, that my T is having these feelings for me. perhaps ‘concern’ is the wrong word…
i’m sure someone out there will tell me this is some kind of transference on my part lol

First of all, with one or two exceptions, it looks as though the people on here who are experiencing these issues of love and lust for their therapists are all women and their objects of affection are male therapists.

I am a 36 year old man who is without question falling deeply in love with the woman who counsels me on a weekly basis.
I am not in counselling/therapy to heal from pain. I am there to continue to grow and evolve into a better, stronger, and more aware human than I could ever imagine being. This is a point I must make clear so that some ground based conclusions can be constructed.

I know now in no uncertain terms that this is not transference. I live far too intentionally to know this as fact.
As others have also noted, I would have fallen deeply in love with her in any other part of my life. Had we crossed paths in some other capacity there is little to zero doubt in what kind of love that would have blossomed.

The truth of it is that what I feel is love in its purest form. It is unbridled. It is very present. It is unabashedly soulful.
This love, like any pure love, is without constraints and bounds. There are no labels attached. There are no conditions.

In fact, as often have been written many a great love stories, forbidden love is not something that should be cast away by the limitations placed on it by the illusion of “tangible” societal ethics.

I do not encourage myself into recklessly embracing a love that in all likelihood will not be reciprocated. That would be an emotional risk that I am unwilling to take.
However, life unto itself is innately risky, so I will calculate carefully whether or not this risk should be taken.

Where I would love to receive some input from others, would be on my intention to raise the issue with her outside of counselling.
Unless the Universe has something in store for me that I am yet to discover, my idea rests in the from of a clearly written letter. This way, I can sincerely offer her the chance to read it in private and away from the reality of being in session. I can offer her a way out of continuing to cousel me as a result of sharing my love, or she can choose to continue to be my therapist without reciprocating the love and acknowledging it. Or the final and ultimately desired outcome, would be that she takes my offered love and gently returns it in full bloom to me outside of the societal constraints placed upon her and I. We could in this case embark down a path that has been taken by some before, is being taken by some presently, and will be taken by many others in the future.

Love has no boundaries.

Transceiver. Therapists are not allowed to have relationships with clients. It depends upon the kind of therapy she is giving you as to whether she can even know you outside of counseling/therapy after two years of not seeing you. Love may have no boundaries, but therapists and counselors are bound by their ethics codes, which force strick boundaries upon them. Love stinks, in therapy, Transceiver.

I would - and do - fall in love with anyone who gives genuine concern, non-judgmental interaction and serious eye contact.

“Transference” is a silly hypothesis. If the exact same relationship qualities could occur more frequently outside therapy, we’d all be falling in deep with a lot more people.

Transference exists in every relationship outside of therapy. Some love attachments are transference-based. But underneath that, they’re all connection and needs based. Therapy fulfills the needs for connection, validation, being known, being heard and being valued.

Falling in love doesn’t require the patient to know the therapist. It doesn’t require the love to know the loved. To LOVE someone requires knowing the other, but to be in love doesn’t. It’s not transference. It’s a crush. It’s a one-sided powerful pull that has little to nothing to do with “the other’s” needs.

Two great books that helped me here when a really great therapist couldn’t deal with this subject very well –

In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists by Deborah A. Lott

Preventing Boundary Violations in Clinical Practice, Thomas G. Gutheil, Archie Brodsky

Hi Susan Dec22nd…pain is on occations incredibly intense when it comes to therapy. I would certainly not incourage a relationship between patient and therapist. My situation at this very moment is as follows, I am continuing to see him in therapy dispite the fact he does not want to continue with private practice…I am very lucky!! I offerred to be referred on but he said no. For many yrs I have watched him work, socialized at Dr. functions and he has remained the same…an amazing caring genuine person. When therapy ends who knows…I have however thought as he is such a wonderful person I would not contemplate hurting or comprimising each other. Having said all of this, I think a fast ride on the back of his motor cycle sounds hot, he knows I am petrified about it !!!! What a hottie, I wish I had never ended up in therapy

Hi kriistene, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I sometimes also wished I could skip this episode completely, like fast-forward!!! I suffer from anxiety and depression, and (un)fortunately these (pleasant!?) feelings have caused me to feel anxious and depressed all over again! It actually helps that I need to focus on getting better again, although it is with his help haha! I try not to think about it as much as before, and am making some progress. When I am better again, I will just have to maybe try and avoid going to see him. Take care! Remember that this is a potential hurting situation, to both of you.

Hi, I agree with you completely, focus and get better that’s the most important thing for you to do. I really wish you well, take care and I had better think of “hotter” things, like….its going to be 112 F “down under” here in inland Australia!!! Guess I won’t be wearing much at the session today!, sorry…..focus, bad Kriitene

Hi K, we’re having much the same temperatures now in South Africa. I’m actually looking forward to the winter!

i fell in love with my therprist 5 years ago, i think i loved her because she showed me love, that she cared. no one ever showed me love before, i knew she was for me and i had to tell her some how, she told me to write my feeling down on paper so i did, at this time i was in a hospital when she read the paper, she didnt show up for work the next day or for next 3mths. another nurse told me it will never happen. they sure know how to rip a heart out. i miss her very much, i hope she reads this and saves me

Stephen JT, Hi…Writing feelings down on paper is an excellant recommendation as we can often find it difficult to verbalise issues that are so important to us. Being with your therapist for so long,and her suggesting to write your feelings down and then not providing a resolution is painful for you, and unprofessional conduct by the therapist. Be strong during your pain and come out at the other end ok….. you will K

Hi Stephen JT… are you there and ok, let us know how you are, take care

if feelings are mutual and therapy is over, how long before one can start socializing with a therapist/client just as friends and perhaps develop a relationship if it is meant to be? I cannot immagine that two people that genuinely care about each other, are not allowed to know one another better, merely for ethical boundaries sake, when those are not longer an issue! Can the doctor reply to this?

Hi MG, I believe in America, the legislation states the patient has to have ceased therapy, including medications for up to a period of 2 years before commencing a personal relationship. I believe this is also the case in Australia, I am not sure. Hope that helps. K

Help

Hi,

I won’t get into to much detail about my situation. That would go on forever. I have been seeing my pshyciatrist/therapist for just under a year now. He is an amazing human being and has helped me deal with my depression issues. He has been patient, kind, understanding and considerate all the while remaining professional. How can I not fall in love with such a wonderful person as this? While I know that this idea of “love” I have for him is Transferance, the issue still remains: I am deeply attracted to him. I believe that to some extent, he is aware of my attraction to him, but it is never discussed. I’m too afraid to bring it up. I think for the most part, that we have connected more on a human level, and I think that this is the reason I find myself physially attracted to him. I am not dillusional in any way in thinking that this man would give up his life/career for me. I know that even if he felt the same way, it could never be because of the circumstances-ie, doctor/patient. My question is this then: Should I tell him how I feel about him? I really want to know that if the circumstances were different, would he feel anything for me? Say, if we had been introduced by mutual friends? Does he think, knowing the person that I am in front of him, could he possibly be attracted to me? I am dying to ask him this..I just want to know what he thinks about me, even if he says no. What is your opinion on this everyone? Your advise is apprecated.

Mr Grohol,

When is that article on countertransferance coming out? I’d be very interested in reading this.

I don’t think I would tell him. I can understand the wanting to know, but if he said yes, and you still can’t do it, does it really change anything?

Hi Clyde,

Thankyou so much for your response. Yes, it’s driving me crazy, and you are right, it doesn’t change anything. In my case though, knowing how he feels about me almost seems enough, but then again it could be dangerous too. I dunno, it’s the ying and the yang. I really want to know, but there are consequences that go with this. In the mean time, I find myself thinking about him all the time, wondering what it would be like. We have amazing conversations. Sometimes, when I see him, the session just involves talking, simple conversations about life, politics, our children, the weather etc., This is what makes it so difficult. For a full hour, here we are connecting as people and then boom, the hour is up. It’s hard to make the transition back, because really it’s no different than sitting with a friend in a coffee shop and discussing our personal woes. Not to mention the fact that I have never been as real with anyone else as I am with him. I’ve told him things that I have never told anyone else in my life. Anyway, any other comments or suggestions are appreciated. In the mean time, I will continue to suffer in silence. So frustrating.

I started therapy after my husband had been seeing this therapist for a few weeks regarding his ability (or inability) to deal with the idea that I wanted to end our marriage. After 8 or 10 weeks I obtained a PPO against my husband. I have not seen him since. Its been 6 months, I continue to see the therapist, and have for over3 months I have started developing strong feelings towards him. A few weeks ago I asked him If I could have a hug from him when our session was over, he said yes and gave me a big hug. He explained that it was ok for me to want that and for him to give that. I am crazy about him. That hug was the final push for me to really accept it. I have wanted to tell him ever since, even though I know it’s perfectly natural for me to develop these feelings, and that they are not really “in love” feelings. It’s more of a real love. Like I have never felt before. I have never felt so accepted and loved by anyone like I do for him. I do not have any sexual feelings for him, but I want so badly to tell him that I love him. What do you think, should I?

Hi Julia,

I think, that after reading your story, you just want to tell your therapist that you love him as a friend, brother, father? I think that there is no harm in this, in fact, what human being would not want to know the impact that they have made in someone’s life? If you are sure that you have no sexual feelings for him, then I say go for it. In my case, I do have sexual feelings for my therapist and there in lies the problem: How do you tell someone you can never have a relationship with that you love them? This is the difference. Be clear when or if you decide to tell him. It makes a difference..believe me, it does. Hope this helps. Suggestions or comments from others are appreciated.

I looked this topic up because of my strong feelings of love for my therapist, who I was seeing for marriage counseling then individual counseling once my husband and I decided to divorce. The sessions only lasted about 5 months, but thats all it took. Based on my experience with therapy, and the unresolved feelings that remain after the original issue is overcome, I will never seek counseling again, nor would I recommend it to anyone. I am very successful at work, financially independent, have grown children, have been married twice, have very loving parents, but am still trying to get my female counselor out of my head and heart. I agree that “transference” (if that is what it is) opens up that vast capacity we all have to love unconditionally, but it leaves me feeling incapacitated because there is nothing I can do to rid myself of it.

No name female,
Yes, this is what makes it so hard. I agree 100% about never going into therapy again. While core issues are resolved, it just opens the door to other issues, ones that we don’t always expect. In my case, I have completley stopped calling him. I no longer see him face to face, but was continuing to talk to him on the phone 2 or 3 times a week (at his encouragement). I finally stopped doing that. I know that he wonders why I haven’t called. Not long ago he called me and left a message to “just check” if I was doing okay. While I know this is a sign of a good therapist, ( He is a wonderful human being and cares for all his patients), hearing his voice drove me mad! I finally made the decision to never contact him again. Having said that, I still think about him, but am much calmer about the situation…not the same urgency as I had before. With time, I hope that the intense feelings that I have for him will become less intense and when I do think of him it will be replaced with fondness.

What if I’m a girl in love with one of my teachers, who sometimes acts like a therapist.. should I still talk to him about it. I know there’s no shame in talking to your therapist about it, but what about a teacher.. it seems much more risky

Jane,

Expressing your feelings to anyone who is in a position bound by a code of ethics is risky. After all, you are putting your feelings out there and most likely the feelings you have for this person will not (and should not) be recieprocated. It’s only risky if the feelings are receiprocated. There is no harm in telling someone that you care about them because they have shown you kindness and compassion, but that is as far as it should go.

hi kriisence (spelling, sorry) yes i am here and ok thank you. why do therapsits, nurses etc.. give the impressive they really like you? ever seen i came out of that psychritic ward i havent been myself. i have no motivative, low self atstrem abit depressed. hardly set foot out the front door. people you got to understand the docs dont care about you, they get paid for making you feel better, aslong as they have progress to put in their report their happy. and when its over your left a wreak.

Good to hear from you stephenJT,I have been in the health industry for 20 years, From my experience they mostly do care. I have some experience of working with SOME that don’t care like they should. Telling you to write you feelings down to give to her was initially good therapy, it can be so much easier than talking. To leave you with no resolution is destroying. If you have to go back to be an inpatient, ……When they are not looking log on and stay in touch Ok !!!Take care…K

Hi Kriisten,

I agree with you. To leave StephenJT with no resolution is just unprofessional, not to mention cruel given his current state. Perhaps he could be referred to another therapist who could help him resolve this issue? I dunno..wish there was some way to help him.

Hi, Dee I guess it depends on what health care you can access in your area… Like it might be remote, city or you just don’t know. I suppose, like most places there are Mental Heath clinics with paid staff and volunteer staff, that may have a good referral basis. Definatetely referring on is the only option when it becomes distressing to the patient and or mental health therapist. StephenJT, as my “other” job in health, I work as a volunteer at a Mental Health Clinic in a country town…. I care, but you may have heaps of pain still. take care.

Hello - what a great discussion! Thank you all for sharing your stories as it has made me feel better about my own situation. I started group therapy about 6 months ago after I went for couple counselling(which was also about 6 months long). My relationship is doing great and since I started therapy I felt I now had the courage to go on and confront my experience of sexual violance. I was naive to think that it was all I had to worry about as the deeper I went I recognized the impact other aspects of my childhood had on me- the domestic violance, the absent father and abandonment issues relating to my mother. All this literally exploded in my face only a week ago and it took the shape of the “mother of all crushes” on my therapist. Yes, I know in my head its not my therapist that I am longing for but its my own mother who was never been there even when I told her about my abuse she simply did not believe me. But my heart, body and soul is on a complete different planet to where my head is as I am constantly craving, yearning and longing for my therapist. The crush is so physical that I feel it is literally crushing me - can’t sleep, eat, nausea and I even skipped my period!
My feelings are out in the open to my therapist and my partner as I am aware this is all rather natural - just hurst like shit! My partner is very supportive and is helping me through this. Also my therapist is handling it very well, being caring but holding the boundaries intact for me. This was all discussed on one to one however, I don’t know how I am going to bring this up in group. Although its all part of the process - just feel a bit foolish and embarrassed about it all.
However, I am afraid that the feelings won’t go away and will stay with me for the rest of my life. I do feel exposed and so vulnarable its scary. I really don’t know how therapists do what they do - they have so much power in their hands.
One question - when I told my therapist about my feelings I also said I was trying very hard to rationalize it and not to indulge in it. She said to me to actually do the opposite to indulge it and fantasize away in every way it wanted to express its self - erotically even. She adviced to use her in any way even for the purposes of masturbation… Yikes! I can’t believe she actually said that to me. Is this normal???
I would appreciate your feedback on this please as therapy is all so new to me.

Thank you and wish all well.

I have been seeing my therapist for 2 1/2 months every week (Saturday) because I found out my boyfriend was seeing someone else and when I found out,he dumped me and I couldn’t get out of the depression. The therapist and I have a lot in common spiritually, morally and background. He tells me some personal things, but not a lot. I told him last week that I found someone on eharmony and we talked for 3 hours and it looked promising. He started questioning me about him far as hold old he was, what he did, etc. All of a sudden he started talking about this person he is seeing and how they have the same birthday and she can tell when he needs a backrub and just comes over and start doing it. She finishes his sentences, etc. I sat there looking at him trying to keep my composure and thats when I realized I was jealous. I tried to keep it together the rest of the session. I knew we had things in common but I didn’t know my feelings were that strong. He was also watching me very intently as though waiting for my reaction.
He said he met the person at work and that I should try to find someone who has basic things in common with me and that “Opposites attract” does not always work.
I am glad I found this site because I can talk about it and understand it better.
I think I am going to talk about it with him Saturday and get it out in the open.

I am a smart woman. I am a moral woman. I am a married woman. I am a woman who has a lot going for her. Yet, I had sex with my therapist. It happened years ago, but I am still affected by it all to this day. The stress, anxiety, hurt, and shame I have felt has been unbearable at times. The truth is, what occurred was clearly abuse. It was in no way, shape, or form love of any kind. Consequently (and unfortunately), I have suffered like many victims of sexual abuse do — I am tortured by flashbacks, panic attacks, terrible dreams, conflicted feelings of embarrassment, self-blame, and so forth. I now think of my former therapist as the worst kind of sexual perpetrator there is — one who takes advantage of another’s pain, vulnerability, and innocence.

If any of this happens to you, find yourself another therapist immediately (despite how flattered you may be):

Therapist extends your appointments
Therapist compliments you on your looks
Therapist gives you gifts
Therapist contacts you for no logical reason
Therapist gazes into your eyes
Therapists touches you
Therapist tells you not to discuss your therapy with anyone else
Therapist tells you he/she would be ruined if anyone found out

I completely agree with what others wrote above. If your therapist expresses his/her feelings about you, it’s time for you to leave. A trained and professional therapist should not make your sessions about him/her. A trained and professional therapist should not take advantage of you or manipulate you in any way. Looking back, I can see how creepy my therapist really was. At the time, however, I felt like I adored him. I wish I had the knowledge and courage to up and leave before things took a turn for the worse. I plead to anyone out there who thinks his/her therapist may be acting inappropriately to terminate the sessions and report the therapist for ethical review.

D13,

To answer your question at the end of your story: NO, this is NOT normal! What kind of therapist would say something like that to their patient? I don’t get it. If I were you, I’d run for the hills and find myself a new therapist..I mean really, that is just so inappropriate.

Sharon,

Just to let you know, something similar happened to me when I was in a session with my therapist. It’s weird when that jealous feeling creep up on you out of no where and are so unexpected. This is what makes it so frustrating. I’d be interested in hearing what the therapist has to say after you tell him at your next session. Hope it goes well.

Marin,

It sounds like such a painful experience. I am so sorry this happened to you. Have you considered reporting him? It sounds like it happened a long time ago, but perhaps you could get some resolution. It’s not fair that you still carry the burden of such an experience. After all, you went to him for help in the first place and he betrayed you. This only makes the situation worse. I hope you are able to find peace with this sometime.

Hi StephenJT, you ok? Chatting on a computer I know is not the same, but there are people behind these pc’s. I tell you I’m having my own stuff going on that I hate, but I would like to hear how you are… let me know …Kriistene

I have always seen my love for my therapist as a gift. It seems like this beautiful and precious emotion that I have wanted to hold and keep in my heart. I did suffer a great deal after first leaving therapy with a grief response to the loss of our relationship, but it never seemed like a burden. It just meant that I cared. My therapist and I spent several sessions discussing my feelings and I was able to fully express them to him which gave me inner peace. I never experienced any anger from this, never needed him to love me back…the pain for me was in not being able to give my love to him. I found it very freeing to “show” him verbally (and with written notes during my last few therapy sessions). I still miss him very much, but I know that he is happy. That gives me serenity. I still love him and I always will. I’ve learned from it and I’ve grown from it. I still feel joy when I think of him. I dislike the “clinicizing” of this sweet emotion I have felt. It’s our place and I hold that in my heart. I take full responsibility for these feelings. This doesn’t have to be a horrible thing when the therapist handles it correctly. It shows us our potential.

Wow, well said Beth. What a great way to express your experience. You seem to have a good handle on your emotions. Sometimes, it takes time to really understand how one feels. As for my experience, now that I am completely removed from him, I am able to look at things with less intensity. My feelings for him look alot like what you said above. Good for you Beth and Thankyou for sharing.

I ve seen my therapist 3 times.From the first time she told she like me very much and didn’t charged the last session.I have given her some presents(seeing her for few minutes during session with other clients) and I am calling her once a month for concerning about her health as she faces a serious problem. She appreciates it and all the presents and shows me love, she always kiss me and hug me the time I meet her (even it is for only a few minutes). The problem is that despite the fact that she says me she wants very much to see me, miss me and wants to meet also my partner and go for coffee or dinner, when the time comes to call her and arrange an appointment( at the time she had said me to call) I can’t find her! I receive her love but when I express my wish to see her, nothing happens.Perhaps they are all accidentally events.
I feel like a fool and even I love her very much and have so warm feelings, I sometimes beleive she plays with emotions and this makes me sad.
Therapists have great power to deal with the emotions of their clients.Eveyone who decides to go to a therapist should be very carefull as regards as emotions and have self restraint as it is very likely to love his/her therapist.

Beth… unreal, about time, a fantastic rational way of approaching your feelings. I share totally your views, this clinical approach I believe is not always applicable. I’m not to sure about the whole Freudian Transference thing… I have always thought he was full of s… Boundaries however do exist for a reason, and do need to be applied…… heal well Beth

Therapy should come with a black box warning!!! Including adverse effects such as fatal attraction, obsessed thoughts and fantasies, rejection and inevitable emotional distress. Falling in love with my therapist was one of the most painful and bitter experiences I ever had. It hurts because my heart grew fonder with every session we had, but deep down I knew that our relationship was not a healthy one for me. Was it even really love? Perhaps a kind of guileless admiration? Some sort of crazy dopey mindless infatuation? i.e. love? Many of us enter therapy because we need help dealing with emotions that overwhelm us during hopeless situations we find ourselves in and can’t seem to get out of. You gradually open up to this kind and gentle stranger before you, who guides you down a soulful path of unearthing (or unclouding) the silver lining that exists within yourself. Then, as one issue gets resolved, another arises. You learn to cope with a personal relationship, and you turn around only to fall in love with this kind stranger who is so good to you! This is a much higher price to pay than you will ever bargain for, especially if like everyone here you learned it the hard way! My last session with my therapist ended about a week ago, and I couldn’t get her out of my head. She seemed to have all the answers to my problems, to accept me so willingly and warmly despite my many flaws and insecurities. I hate this. I feel like I am traveling on a spiraling one-way street, with a dead end, in the dark…a light shines somewhere, but I am blind in love. Even if she says she loves me (I sadly fantasize) I probably won’t believe it, and even if she means it, she can’t return my feelings without violating her professional code of ethics. It’s a lose-lose situation. I feel betrayed and so confused! Of course she doesn’t love me, not the same way I “love” her. I feel like I need her to feel valued as a person, and I want more than her friendship, which I couldn’t even feel like I had?! Right now I just want to get over it and forget about her. Should I go to another therapist to get these feelings sorted? Actually I am probably already doing that by writing here. So love is blind…if this is indeed love, I need to figure out why I love her in order to figure out how to not love her anymore. Some people say that love “just happens” and no rationale can clearly justify true love, but I believe there is a reason for everything. I really want to move on, to find true love. Life is too short to agonize over one person, right?

Jaro,

Indeed. I feel for you. As you have read above, many of us are in similar situations. My advice is this: give it some time. You only just last saw her a week ago and your feelings are intense. I found that in the beginning after I last saw my therapist, I was an emotional wreck. I was carrying my feelings around like a dead weight, another burden to carry, but after a few months my feelings began to change. I looked at the situation much more logically. I began to look at it from a different perspective. Instead of feeling sad when I thought of him, I now felt this sweet feeling come over me, a little sweetness to carry me through the day. Now when I think of him, I realize that I am not in love with him. I just need him to be this person who helps me cope and get me through the day when things get rough and it’s enough for me. Perhaps you could give it a try and see where it takes you. As I said, it is hard to be rational when the feelings are so intense. Just let your feelings carry you forward. Hope this helps. Thankyou so much for sharing.

hi…..God Ive got some pain, I love my family so much, I don’t love my collegue- Psychiatrist at all, I like him to much for that.But I feel something Is really hurting me dispite the rational thinking. What is it , no boundries have been crossed. I am a bit sick of it, wondering if it may delay any remaining recovery… help guys

Kriistene,

I’m not sure I understand. You haven’t said much for awhile in terms of your situation. Did something new happen? What is hurting you? Did your situation with him change?

Hi Dee, no it hasn’t. I had a therapy session today and he regrets that he made a mistake with his practice…in that he wishes to be more available to me.. “and perhaps a couple others” Unfortunately a few things happened in the last few months to me, my young mum has become terminal, it’s dividing the family. My sister in law is also terminal, having chemo also. I had a car accident a little while ago. We kind of enjoy therapy, but unfortunately I may relapse, and he wants to be there for me. Its all a bit awful… could be worse though !! Thanx Dee /…Kriistene

Kriistene,

Sorry to hear that. Life circumstances often get in the way of life! I totally understand. My Mother was terminal and died pretty much at the same time I gave birth to my daughter. This is part of the reason I was in therapy also. Trying to cope with it all. It’s just one of those things and everyone relapses now and then anyway. I hope he is able to help through these difficult times. Know that there are people out there who care. Talk to you soon Kriistene

Thanks Dee, I appreciate that, kind regards

Hi All,

I’m having one of those days where I can’t stop thinking about him. I want to tell him so badly that I really miss him. I haven’t seen or talked to him since January. I thought that I had it under control. After all, it’s been 4 months now. For some reason though, I woke up today having those same feelings for him that I did back then and with the same intensity too. What is a person to do? When will I stop feeling this way? I wish I could just tell him but I’m afraid-What if he gets mad or something…I dunno????

Hi Dee, from what I have have read, it’s apparently therapetic and essentially part of the whole healing process for you. If he has trained properly, these feelings can be dealt with, without hurting you or him. Instead of verbalizing it towards him, write it down if you feel more comfortable. Make an appt. I would expect a health professional not to get mad….that’s bad.
What happened to StephenJT was not on, that’s awful leaving a patient with no resolution. And by the way how are you Stephen, hope your good… take care. K

Hi Kriistene,

Yes, I think that I will tell him on paper. I don’t have the courage to tell him face to face. I already know what I want to say, it’s hard admitting it..even to myself..ah yes, life has it’s moments doesen’t it? God Bless Kriistene, hope all is going well with you too..yes, I am concerned for StephenJT too..wishing him peace..talk to you soon..DEE

Hi Dee, I really hope he will be understanding and above most ethical, and work this through with you together. My best friend is a Psychiatrist, and it’s certainly part of their training if they are committed. They should deal with it and assist you with healing and resolution. I am just surprised this came up with you again after a period of no therapy. I’m great thanks…. should take my own advice though…all’s good, take Dee.

Hi Kriistene,

I wrote the letter, but have not had the courage to mail it yet. I’m still so unsure, but I have to do something..I too have no idea why this came up again..really, my emotions really changed after not seeing him for awhile..it could be that perhaps a year ago this time I was hospitilized for my depression, and he was the doctor that was referred to me. The change in weather has triggered a response I guess and brought me back. I will never forget the first time I saw him, he asked permission to come into my room, he had this big smile on his face, looked at me and said:”We have alot to talk about, don’t we? I was so surprised as most other doctors I had dealt with never gave me the time of day..they were so much more “clinical” and emotionless. He on the other hand, was the total opposite..really caring, and understanding..anyway, I so miss him..I will figure it out, again all the best Kriistene and as you know, it’s easier to give out advice than it is to follow through on our own..you are doing a fine job Kriistene and thanks again..DEE

Hi Dee I would of thought you would make an appt. discuss some other things and then present him with the letter, at that point you may get some kind of reponse, as he will know the letter is a sign of an issue that is difficult for you, and may suggest another session. With some care and a bit of luck! you both can work through it. As for me , I think he’s a hottie , He thinks I’m a hottie, but things are going along the way they should!!!!!!!!!!! Take care K

Hi K,
Well, it’s not that easy. In order for me to see him again, I need to be referred by my family Doctor. This could take months. Once a patient is released from a “specialist” type of service, then the family physician takes over. It’s done to reduce cost (Canadian Medical system). I have thought of calling him and just asking him if I could see him briefly to discuss a slight matter, but have not done so yet. I keep changing my mind about what to do. I think for now, I will keep a low profile. I am seeing my Family physician in a few weeks and will discuss the referral with him. Its hard..really, I just want to be done with it. Good to hear you are both working through it together (one hottie to another :)! I wish I could be so luckey! All the best DEE

Hi Dee, the system is so different here in Australia. Once you have a referral it’s easy to end sessions with a therapist and then recommence them. I live in a relatively small town 50,000, and know al the referring drs. A referral lasts I believe 1 yr. I have not got another referral since(2yrs) ago as I work in the health industry and my husband is a Surgeon. I also worked with my thrapist for 10yrs or so helping with ECTs. I am so sorry it is more difficult for you. Sending a letter via post is tricky, someone else may open it. A quick call explaining you need some resolution with him may work better (if he’s a good man)If you don’t feel ready keep your “low profile” maybe that’s best at this stage. Stay well K

Hi K,

Thankyou, I am fine…a little down about the whole thing but overall just fine. My kids keep on my toes..I have put the referral back in with my family physician. He said that he would push it along as quickly as possible. It gives me time to think about what I shall say to him. You are right about the letter thing. I thought the same thing myself, so I did not mail it. I will wait untill I see him to give it to him. Anyway, no word form StephenJT..hope he is doing okay. I have been waiting for that article on Countertransference to come out..sounds so interesting. Stay well too K…DEE

hi Dee, well done, i just know when confidetial letters come to our practice, husbands a dr, the girls often open it when it’s suppose to be for him, knowing its from a patient with the hots for him. he is surgeon not a therapist. So what i am saying just don’t trust it that way. Yeah, i wonder where StephenJT has been…. hope u r well, drop a line. take care

Hi Dee. I wish there were some way I could talk more with you about this struggle you have been going through. It is a long and difficult road, I know. Your experience sounds very similar to mine. It’s been nearly a year and I still have my up and down days. I still love him and miss him very much. It still feels like a gift. I try to see it as a beautiful part of myself, that I am capable of having such caring and giving feelings for another person. Since I was unable to give my love to him, I’ve worked on bringing him inside of it. So whenever I feel love or joy, he is always there with me. Whenever I do something to help someone, he is there with me. Whenever I try to connect with others, he is there with me. It’s a painful loss, but I can let the love live through me in the choices I make every day to keep on trying. It’s a way of holding the bond and keeping his smile in my heart. Hang in there.

Hi Beth,
Thankyou so much for your thoughtfulness. Yes,our stories are very similar. In thinking about my situation, the thing that really bothers me is that my feelings for him came out of no where. Never in my wildest dreams did I go into therapy thinking that I would fall for my psychiatrist. I am a happily married woman with 2 young children. I have a good life. I’ve never dreamed of being unfaithfull to my husband or even thought of another man, but now I dunno…I so have these amazing erotic fantasies about him sometimes, and, it’s not like my feelings for him happened over time..no, on the contrary, they were instant..from the moment I met him he gave off this really amazing energy, really calming and soothing..being physically attracted to him is the bonus..what is really amazing about him is the type of person he portrays himself to be..really caring, understanding and intuitive..all the things a woman finds sexy in a man! Ha! Above all, he is a decent human being and truly this is what I love about him the most..the fact that he truly cared about me and what was happening with me..hard to find in a world where everyone is so detached from one another..really, the man is one of a kind…I so miss him very much..Thanks Beth, Kriisten and to Dr. Grohol for giving us a place to discuss our feelings. God Bless…DEE

How do I file a complaint against my therapist?

Hi,
Well I think it depends on what kind of therapist you are referring to. Depending on where you live also. A psychiatrist for example is a medical doctor who is usually moinitered by a body of persons who are responsible for maintaining standards of medical practice within a region. In this case, you would forward a complaint through them. Any other licensed therapist usually falls under similar standards under their own bodies. This is how it works in Canada anyway.

Hi… Perhaps the Psychiatric Board of…(Australia) in our case. Your General practitioner may help, Psychological Board of (where you live or the nearest capital city) You would certainly have to go to the state in which they are registered, or they may have dual registration else where. The police if the situation is serious, like they are following you, any form of assult like unwanted contact or something like that….take care dls…K

I sadly can relate to most of these posts. However my situation is a bit different. She isn’t a therapist, she’s a counselor at the drop in centre and I’ve only seen her once (I’ll be seeing her in a few days). About half way through the session I looked at her and realized how beautiful she was and how much I’d like to kiss her. I haven’t been able to get her out of my head and I know that I have a crush on her. I’m scared that once I start going to the drop in centre on a regular basis I’ll be seeing her there a few times a week and It’ll grow into love. I feel as though even if she wasn’t my counselor I would like her anyways… I don’t know what to do, I can’t stop thinking about her!

I am so glad I found this website and finally I got to express my feelings to my therapist. I started seeing a therapist almost a year ago. At that time, I had problem at school, and my husband announced that he liked someone else at our one year anniversery. My therapist, as many other therapists do, is such a caring, understanding, and intuitive person. Did I mention he is handsome too? I felt safe and calm with him. I felt like I can tell him everything and I am always looking forward seeing him. Now a lot of my issues are winding down and I can probably stop my therapy now. But I keep coming back, just to see him and talk to him. Soon I will relocate to another state and I can’t imagine saying goodbye to him. He is probably old enough to be my Dad. But I love him, I sometimes found me talking to myself as if he is in front of me. Due to his profession, I can’t even be friends with him. However I will never forget him, I will always remember that someone had truely cared about me, and no matter what I do in the future, he will always be there with me in my heart. I understand that I am just his job, and he will forget about me as soon as I leave his office for the last time. One thing is clear, I will never see a therapist again. I want him to be the one and the only therapist i had in my life…..I will miss him!

I think you are selling yourself short to think that he won’t remember you. I have little doubt that he will remember. And you can keep him in your heart. I haven’t seen my therapist in 6 months, but I still feel his presence in me very strongly. He helped me find hope and I carry that hope with me now. Take care.

Beth

HI… yep, it can be so difficult, especially when they are real sweeties and gorgeous. It is however great to think in a way that these people are links in our life to be able to hope, feel better,get on with a relationship that’s ultimately not going to harm us or the therapist, and as Beth states carry this hope with ourselves for the rest of our lives.xxxK

thanks, Beth and Kriistene, I will keep him in my heart. Sometimes it hurts, so badly. But i know I will be fine and i wish him all the best!

Hearts can carry a lot space for emotions….luckily. nigh, nigh. xxxK

Hi Everyone,

I’m having a difficult week…I miss him so very much. There are times that I am so angry at him for having this hold on me (of course, he has no idea)for making me feel like I really need him..it’s alot to carry sometimes. Anyway, hope for some resolution soon..waiting for my referral to come through..one step at a time…who knows? Maybe I won’t feel this way when I see him again (I’m hoping)..stay well everyone..God Bless..Pina

Hi Dee, wish I could get you that refferal ASAP to help. It’s so easy here in Australia one referral and it’s for life. As he puts it “we have a lifetime membership together” The first 2 yrs I didn’t have a referral he just saw me and it went from there, poor guy didn’t even get a rebate from the government. I have just made an inquiry about it ( 2 yrs later!) and found out. Very kind man. See StephenJT some are really awesome and care, drop a line mate xxxxx All XK

Hi Kriistene,

Yes, thankyou for your support. I am still waiting..it is such a long procedure here. In the mean time I am trying to focus on all the good qualities he brings out in me. Really, knowing him has made me a better person and I really love him for that. How can I not love him? He is the one person in my life that really stood up for me..its just a very frustrating situation not being able to be with someone you really want to be with..wishing everyone well in their journey…DEE

I am just so mad at myself today…why can’t I just let this go?..really, it’s ridiculous already! What the hell is wrong with me? I know that this can never be, so why can’t I just let it go?..seriously, it has taken over my life!

I am totally in love with my therapist but in a healthy way. He’s wonderful, sweet and kind. When my sessions are over I will ask him out. He’s adorable.

This is a big problem in therapy. Do you suffer from not having your feelings of love returned? Or do you encourage the exploration and risk a broken heart and psyche? I recently engaged in a sexual relationship with a former therapist and after letting the passion run wild I have come to the realization that everything he knows about me made no difference. It was simply about sex. Rape, incest, death, my whole history was insignificant… I was an object to him just as I was to other males in my past. Perhaps I encouraged this, well I know I did. But that’s all I know. I’ve been free falling ever since. Back to the beginning… My point? Rethink your feelings, step away. Don’t act on them. It’s not worth the regret and lingering feeling that you are still worthless.

Good point ZouZou, Be careful, even though most healthy relationships start off in the beginning as a form of Transference and Co-Transference, I mean how do you meet someone, it’s not always in a pub etc. It can work providing ethics and boundaries are maintained when appropriate. And remember all situations are different and shouldn’t be taken in the same way, be careful when necessary, take care K x

Anyone out there watching HBO’s “In Treatment”? Laura is one of us (Transference) and Paul the therapist is Countertransference..very interesting show as we get to witness the therapist dealing with a his own issues regarding the patient..nice for a change..perhaps they suffer a little too? Who really knows? DEE

Hi, my names Pete, I’m a 19 year old male who has been seeing a psychologist for a little over 2 years, She is in her mid 20’s, very beautiful but is married, and i feel as though i am madly in love with her, when i first started to see her i was in a pretty bad place in my life, i was depressed and had dropped out of high school, i had no one in my life i could really talk to so when i first came to her i was amazed at how caring and interested she was towards me and my problems, she genuinely helped me a lot over the next 6 months, and got me enrolled in an alternate way to finish my education. After this i first noticed i had feelings for her, i started to think about her a lot, and had a lot of vivid dreams about her(most sexual), i became obsessed for a few months but continued to see her as i still needed her help. When I started doing my hsc at tafe (in australia)I had low esteem and felt very anxious due to not attending anything like school for almost a year. I was awkward around the other students for a while but with the help of her sessions i was able to get a good handle on my self esteem issues and the anxiety calmed down quite a lot after that. This just made my feelings for her that much stronger, for someone to have helped me so much whilst showing me so much compassion and being so supportive. I had a few girlfriends at Tafe but nothing was that serious nor did anything last more then a few weeks, mostly because they had much different interests then me. I continued to see her for the next 6 months as i felt they were really helping me and keeping me from going back to my old ways, but after a while the feelings i had for her became so strong that they were tearing me up inside, i was constantly thinking about her but i would never be able to do or say anything due to the fear of rejection, so i decided to take a break from her, as seeing her every week never gave me the opportunity to get over her. about 6 months later due to reasons not related to her I tried to commit suicide (mostly due to my mother dieing of drug overdose a few months prior and the depression i felt afterward). A few days afterward she called and said she would really like to talk to me, i said fine because once again i didn’t have anyone that i could talk to about my feelings, and i really needed to. In this session she expressed that she cared deeply for me and she was shocked and very upset when i tried to commit suicide, seeing that she actually felt for me (she was a little teary) i decided to get it off my chest and tell her why i stopped the appointments with her, the fact that i felt this love for her that i didn’t understand and how it was tearing me up inside, and she told me she cared for me a lot, but sometimes a strong emotional bond can form between a psychologist and their client as they are intimately disccusing such personal and emotional issues. And sometimes this emotional bond can feel so strong that you mistake it for being in love. she was so nice about it and it made feel so relieved and better, now that i understand how im feeling i understand that its perfectly fine, it was a natural reaction and im not some freak. sorry about the long post but i read all of your comments and just wanted to share my story

Hi Pete,firstly I’m saddened for you about your mum. Your Tranference” feelings (as it’s labled)is totally normal, it’s almost a natural progression during therapy and often is regarded as part of therapy and healing. Your Therapist was right not to reject you but to discuss it with you instead, it resolves so much in your head I bet. You have been through heaps by the sound of things. Don’t forget if the depression or the slightest suicidal thought returns meds might be required from a Psychiatrist. In Australia a referral from a GP to a Psychiatrist gets you in for life,makes life abit easier. Take care Ok…Kriistene (another OZ !!) PS sometimes I wish I would take my own advice!!!!!

Dr. Grohol: I can tell you that talking to your therapist about your feelings about them, cannot and does not help lessen any feelings. I’ve been in love with my therapist for 5 years; the feelings have not lessened or changed. As Freud said, “sometimes a cigar, is just a cigar.” Sometimes love is simply….love (and not the Freudian transference).

The only place we call love by another name is in the therapist’s office.

Thankyou…Sincerely, Allison

Dr. Grohol,

Well said and 100% true. However, this is what makes it so frustrating-there is no way for those involved to explore these feelings outside of the therapeutic relationship. Even if these feelings are out in the open, you are still left hanging..”what if..” scenerios are played over and over again in your mind. It’s that unknown I think, that keeps one hanging on to those romantic notions. It’s difficult to disengage these feelings because they all come from the same place. In your mind, you understand it, but in your heart you don’t.

Dr. Grohol

What if the “true love” may not of started off on an equal footing, or another example the balance of power is unequal…down the track, therapy is complete and the patient is healthy, a relationship begins- is that ok? My husband and I (he’s a Surgeon) drew me in about 18-19yrs ago , we are married have twin boys, have our ups and downs etc, our balance of power was extremely varied however we still work together and love it and get along. Now I may have the hots for my therapist, anyone 6ft 7 blue eyes and gorgeous has to maybe expect that. I however would never hurt him, being a friend and collegue I just can’t do it. I was told by another collegue(Psychiatrist) most relationships begin in a Transference mode. I have said it before….Freud can stick his theory. Thank you for your comments Dr. K

Hi Dr. Grohol, and what happens if my Therapist (we are drawing to a close with therapy) has feelings for me. Our futures are a small relatively small town, collegues and cross paths at social events. I believe I can seperate myself from him, but if he pushes the buttons later…. it’s going to be hard. The comments between us indicate to me he has an attraction. Kriistene

I think from a client’s perspective, a difference in the wording used can make things not come across so harshly. I read about the “power differential” in therapy all of the time and it leaves the impression that the therapist is somehow superior to the client…I always felt on level with my therapist. He was actually younger than me and he never presented himself as all-knowing. I really liked that he was human with me and would admit mistakes, apologize if necessary. I think that a client is vulnerable with their therapist because they are self-disclosing some very personal thoughts and emotions. I never felt he had power over me other than my being vulnerable with him.

Talking about and exploring my feelings has not changed them in the slightest. It makes me uncomfortable when the term ‘transference’ is so often used to keep clients at a comfortable distance from the therapist. I’ve recently faced the transference angle of this and have come to an understanding that this has played a part in what I feel. It is still very painful to think about and feels as if it in some way devalues our relationship and how special it was.

For me I’ve come to realize that what I’ve done with my therapist has been to love him in the way I have always striven to love others. Transference seems in no way created equal and is very personal to each person who experiences it. My feelings are 95% pure love and maybe 5% sexual. Descriptions of erotic transference never matched what I felt. My feelings were about me loving him, me wanting to give to him and not the other way around as so often seems to be the case with this. But then they are MY feelings and so then are about me and what is important and meaningful to me. And for me giving is receiving. I wanted to give to him to thank him. I wanted my feelings to be for him because that would have been the only way to share them with him. One has to look very hard at oneself in the mirror in order to better understand.

What remains painful is the feeling that our relationship has somehow been cheapened now by the word transference. And because our relationship was so very special to me, that really hurts. I love my therapist. He helped me to find “my best love”. I know it has something to do with who he is as a person. I know it also has something to do with transference. But the fact remains that I care about him and he cares about me. It’s hard not to feel as if the word wants to take everything away.

Hi Beth,

It’s seems like the notion of transference and knowing what it means should lessen what one feels. For me, this is what makes it so frustrating. It’s like, “Oh, you have feelings for your therapist?” “It’s called Transference, read about it and it will make everything better”. Well, it doesn’t make everything better because honestly, it makes you feel like there is something wrong with you for feeling this way. At least in my case, this is what happened. It’s like you said, it’s hard not feel as if the word wants to take everything away.

Beth/Kriistene would like to talk to you..wondering how without posting e-mail address on-line?

Come and join the “Issues relating to the termination of therapy” social group. You’ll find me there.

I think that it’s the attitude about this and the way that it’s handled that makes things much more difficult for the client. My therapist handled it well, but there are likely many who don’t. Again, I really think that wording can be very important.

For me personally, there is a deeper issue with love itself, in that I value it greatly and hold it as sacred. You read about “resolving” transference. That makes it sound like something in error that needs to be “fixed” or almost as if there is a squabble between two kids in the back yard that has to be broken up. Minimizing…I mean, we’re talking about love here. Perhaps it would be advantageous to use use words such as “understand” and “accept”.

Even the above article states, “It only means that you’re feeling positive, intense feelings for another person who is helping you with important issues in your life.” And, “So you feel like you’re in love with your therapist and while intellectually you may understand that this is just a normal process of psychotherapy for some, you still need to do something about it.” Note the use of the words “only” and “just”. These words are minimizing.

I’m just try to give a perspective from the other side of the room. For me, I have very beautiful feelings for my therapist. He helped me to get out of depression and helped me to find a new and more positive outlook on life. These feelings are very giving and loving and I have always considered them a gift. They are the very best of me. I like this part of me. I have come to understand that they are probably in part due to transference, but I still value these feelings very much. They haven’t subsided or lessened any by talking about them. He remains with me in a very positive way. That relationship is something I’ll always cherish, no matter whether the feelings are caused by transference or not. I just have never wanted it devalued or minimized.

The important thing about the feelings are what they mean about you personally. What are they telling you? What can you learn from them? What is the deeper meaning? This is how you love…and learning about that can be a very meaningful way to help in your other relationships. So if I were a therapist (maybe some day…), I would dispense with the word and talk about the meaning behind it all. That is where the greatest lessons are. The grief from losing our relationships with our therapists is very real. I want my experience to help me to help others.

Beth,

I have to say, you explain it all so well. This is exactly what I have been trying to put into words for so long. Thankyou so much for speaking for me, and for understanding the “clients” perspective. I have no doubt that you are a great friend to many in need. Good for you Beth. It sounds like you have a good grasp on the whole thing. I wish I could say the same for myself. I wish I would’ve brought up the subject with my therapist before our sessions ended. I was afraid though, afraid of his reaction and that I might upset him or something. Now I find myself angry at him from time to time, for not picking up on the clues I gave him. Perhaps I would not be sitting her thinking about him as I write this, wondering how things would’ve turned out had I said something. Not that I think he would’ve have receiprocated..(I know damn well that he would never cross any lines) but just so that I could feel better about the whole thing..to feel at peace with it, to not feel so ashamed of myself..and above all to let him know that I do love him very much..a love that comes from a place within myself that I never new existed. As you said before Beth, a place where our potential as a human being shines through.

P.S. Beth I looked for you, but could not find you. Perhaps I looked in the wrong place?

Hopefully it’s okay here to tell you that I’m Bether91068 on the boards. PM me and we can try to help one another through this.

My therapist considers me a “colleague”….I understand about the power differential, etc…but as one article stated, “in life there are power differentials everywhere……teacher…student…boss, employee…..etc.

The reason I went to a therapist was probably different than what anyone else has ever gone to a therapist for (a church issue)…i had seen other therapists in the past because of my abusive 31 year marriage (out now), and never developed any feelings for them…..simply professional.

My therapist and I are alike in over 30 different ways. Unfortunately he has allowed me to “see” him, bent the boundaries and let me know we have “chemistry.”

I’ve done a massive research on the therapist/client relationship and read journals, boks, etc….so I understand what the relationship is supposed to be like.

Therapy is a very intense place…..putting 2 people in a room togther who have chemistry….we are all human, and thought he therapist has ethics and guidelines to follow; sometimes human nature takes over.

I am a therapist in training, and don’t feel there is a power imbalance, and I don’t think I am delusional (LOL, LOL)

“The therapy room is the only place where we call love by another name [transference].”

I read that “100 psychotherapists a year lose their licenses because of sexual impropriety.” Wow, and these are just the ones that come to light.
I think therapy is an unnatural situation anyway, especially when two people are drawn to each other, which obiously happens a LOT.

There is even a website for people involved (not necessarily sexual) with their therapists:

http://www.A_Most_Heartbreaking_Love…..yahoo group.

I agree with another poster that therapy should come with a warning. Therapists should be trained (and from what I read, are not) that powerful feelings can develop in such an intimate situation/setting….not just with the client, but also the therapist.

FOr me, talking about the feelings…and even 5 years of being with him, have not changed or lessened the feelings at all. If I had met my therapist anywhere else, I would have been attracted to him, etc.

In the therapy room the way we love can be explored and understood. Our emotions and feelings about things are the focus in a way that they are not in outside of the room relationships. So loving our therapists can actually end up being a virtual tour of our unconscious mind. We can understand what our motivations are, what is important to us, what we value. We may also better understand what our needs are in a relationship, what missteps we may be taking, how we are letting our past experiences control our present ones. It can be a huge learning experience and a microcosm of our outside the room relationships.

In saying that, I think many leave therapy without exploring, discussing and understanding all of this. Understanding and accepting this part of ourselves can put us at peace with the feelings.

A heartbreaking love? Well, yes, at times… but that could be said of all love. For me it has also been heartwarming and enlightening…and much more so in that.

It’s not exactly as if ‘other’, or ‘equal’ relationships are not based on transference either, right?

I do though fear that ’sex’ would destroy all you have in this relationship, as it also often destroys what one has with ‘other’ relationships.

It may be better not to have the opportunity to find out, as that will take all the good away with it.

Attraction does not always need to be, or should be, acted upon. So often, sex destroys this attraction when not acting on it often lasts a life time. I have become very fond of these attractions, and not acting on them. it’s of the sort of thing, these energies, that make life worth living.

PS: and then the therapist will feel terribly anxious and guilty, and he will blame you, the patient, and the love will turn to hate.

Oddly enough, for me personally, even though I love him, the sexual attraction aspect of it was just there as an aside. That’s what makes this entire thing so darned interesting. I feel that way because love has always been what is important to me and not sex. And I feel very giving with him because for me giving is receiving. Sex was a non-issue in this for me. It was just kind of lurking in the background. This stuff is a wealth of information if you explore it. I’m completely fascinated by it and am still learning about myself with this.

I know exactly what you mean, and also about the giving being receiving.

The thing is, Beth, that what you are feeling is ‘real’, and what you are perceiving from him is also ‘real’. You need to trust that, and you don’t have to find out because you already know.

Try to enjoy that knowing, and what is between you, and also know that he feels this way, and that you don’t have to prove it by stepping outside of the relationship you have. As that may change everything, even when this now is so real and true. So, you will not get a correct answer either way.

And you know he will remember you, and a lot of this stuff is already internalized and you just need to trust it, and also trust him.
He is only human, and for that reason this is both so great AND so dangerous, if you risk…

Try to just enjoy the feelings as they are.

I’ve definitely been enjoying the feelings. I know that they are real and I also know that they are the very best of me. I have always understood and respected the relationship as is…client and therapist. I’ve never wished or wanted for more. I just have been trying to make peace with the grief of the loss and all that surrounds it. In the end, I want him happy and he is. This gives me serenity. I just miss him.

I know; it is a big loss. I am sorry that I didn’t get everything right about what you said and meant. I have been a bit spacey.

Do you keep in touch at all with him? Like, with the therapist I saw for a long time, we have been writing letters to each other maybe twice a year, and it is actually very different now the relationship in that he is more real, and speaks more freely about himself, and family, etc. Like, he will recommend a book and then I will tell him what I think about the book.

For myself, I am so glad I am no longer in therapy. i was way too dependent on him and it felt badly.

Anyway, thanks for telling about your feelings and personal stuff so readily. I always like it when I find another person who is as open as I am about stuff.

It is a big deal; I know. Kat

Yes, he allows me to write so that is very nice. And it’s a small town, so I see him around as well. I feel comforted knowing he’s closeby.

In the past I’d always been very closed. I have therapy to thank for my new-found openness.

He always came across to me as a very real person even during therapy. Some of the things I miss most about him are his little quirks. I liked that he was very human with me. It made me feel more at ease.

I’m happy and moving forward. He’ll always be with me, in my heart.

Unfortuntely, my therapist has let me know he has feelings for me. I’ve been open and authentic right from the beginning in letting him know I loved him. If I had met him anywhere else the attraction/chemistry would have been there.

“The Heartbreaking Love” (website is in reference to loving someone who isn’t available).

A few of the 100’s of provocative comments my therapist has made; “If I were not married, I would probably go for it.”

“You are in my heart and in my head.” We both attended the American Counseling Association Convention (I am an undergrad/Social Work) and he told me he had looked for me for over 1/2 an hour at the dance.

I could write a book on what has transpired. I have written my memoir and a poetry book….but the book about what has gone on between my therapist and I? Wow……(no, no sex)

There is no place to go with that!

From what you are writing here, it sounds as if your therapist has acted unethically. Are you still seeing him as a client? It sounds like a situation you need to remove yourself from. My therapist was always 100% professional with me. I’m sorry to hear that yours hasn’t been.

As far as loving someone who isn’t available…I always knew he was my therapist and only my therapist and that it couldn’t ever be anything more. I think in my unconscious mind I felt safe enough with him in that room to find within myself my perfect love. My feelings, my capacity to love and I naturally had a desire to share that with him…even though I always knew that I couldn’t. The pain with “transference” not necessarily being just with the word, but more because I hate seeing love disturbed. What I feel for him is truly a beautiful thing. I know that I can never give that to him, but he helped me to find my potential. I will always be very grateful to him for that. I still regard love as a very precious thing and this is no different. I would never trade it away. I would really like to help others with their difficulties with this.

Beth: As I had stated, I went to my therapist for something different than what anyone else has gone to a therapist for (probably), a church situation.

He didn’t need to help me with finding my potential or helping me with any emotional problems and considered me an equal/colleague, etc..I am pretty much a self-actualized person…..I am an undergrad. in Psychology.

I rarely share what has transpired between us, because I know most do not understand, and I would be judged.
No one can help me with my situation….as in life, I have to do things on my own.

I did my “homework” years ago; after growing up abused, abandoned and excruciatingly poor…..I’ve been able to make something positive come from the ashes of my life.

I’ve written my memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice), and have the most amazing endorsements; Elie Wiesel, Nikki Giovanni, Dr. Larry Dossey, Wayne Dyer, Patricia Evans, Clint van Zandt, Dr. Elaine Weiss and one from someone who thanked me for saving her life.

My poetry book: Sanctuary of the Soul: Poems of anguish, healing, hope comfort and celebration will be published shortly.

I went back to school and won a scholarship; it wasn’t academic; I wrote about the story of my life.

I am the moderator of an abused survivors group.

I’ve been published 3 times in a university journal.

I consider myself an overcomer and wounded healer.

Thanks for writing, but this is something that only….I….can deal with…..I’ve loved him for 5 years. That won’t change.

I so dislike that word, “transference”—-transference/countertransference exists in all relationships; it is only the therapy world that has made up psychobabble words for what we all understand as…love or..feelings! Of course there is the Freudian transference which makes sense, etc.

I dislike the word as well…and also believe that it happens in all relationships. I think it is just that our feelings are studied in the therapy room.

I understand that this is up to you to deal with. It sounds as if you have accomplished a lot and have overcome many difficulties in your life.

Best of luck to you.

The thing is, that after you have been in therapy for a while, you (the patient) also, and perhaps even better than the therapist, knows how to distinguish between what’s transference and what is not. I do. And this also goes for other relationships. So, I don’t think, like with Beth especially and since she has talked a lot, that you are dealing with transference at all.

Allison, I do like Beth’s answer back to you. For myself I would go a bit further in that I do think some others can very well relate to you and your situation, at least as close as one can not actually being you. I do a lot.

A big part of my problem associated with this happening was the ‘dependence’ on the therapist.

I also felt I could not talk to anyone about this, even when I knew there was something really wrong. There is always this ambivalence, right?

But later, when it was over, I just could not believe I had stayed in this relationship for so long and that I was not able to leave. I don’t think it matters at all how accomplished one is. This problem is on such a different level and I think it is very much related to ‘neglect’ from earlier rather than abuse.

It’s like you so badly want it and yet you cannot tolerate it. (the relationship) And I don’t know if this is negatively affecting your life and behavior but it sure did for me.

Hi Everyone,

I have to say, there has been alot of very interesting blogs here these past few days. I am pleased to see that I can take a piece from each comment and relate it to my own issues in this matter. The latest for me is this: My referral to see him again came through. All this time I had been waiting and waiting to talk to him again, feeling really desperate, sick to my stomach some days. And then it hit me: I just couldn’t face him..really that’s how I felt. You know why? I just couldn’t/can’t take one more minute of this anymore! I am ready to let go. Point blank. It’s like you said Katrin, “you so badly want it and yet you cannot tolerate it”. I spent the last week thinking about this so I picked up the phone and left him this really long message on his voice mail..I let it all out..how I felt about him, how difficult it has been for me these last six months and that I was ready to let him go. Honestly, it feels so good and a few days into this, my feelings have remained the same: I am ready to let this relationship go. It`s funny Katrin, I was thinking exactly the same thing last week before you wrote your above blog. I think the reason it went on for so long is because I truely believe he neglected to see the signs and he neglected to address them. He neglected all the clues (transference) and encouraged me to keep in touch with him even after he stopped seeing me as my therapist. What he failed to realize though, is that in my fragile state, I still desprately needed him. I wasn`t done with him, yet he let me go without much warning. I was far to dependant on him still. I think this is what makes me angry the most..he should`ve picked up on this..I gave enough clues for God`s sake! I think deep down, he couldn`t handle it either, and probably thought that things would disipate between us. You`d think he would`ve noticed when here I was leaving him 2-3 messages a day for the last 6 months the desperation in my voice..yet he did nothing about it. He never once said that we should talk again. He left me hanging all the time. It`s like you said Katrin. I can`t believe I allowed myself to stay in this relationship so long..It is such a relief that I am able to now see it this way. Wonderful..thanks everyone DEE

I certainly can hear your anger, Dee, and I’m glad to know that you feel some positive direction with this. I would also have to wonder why your therapist would encourage and allow so many phone calls…I think a great deal of the problem with this is a lack of proper training. So many therapist don’t seem to know how best to deal with this.

I believe that everyone’s experience is different and feel very fortunate that mine seems to have been a more positive one. I feel nothing negative from what happened to me during therapy and in the year and a half since then. While I did have many difficult feelings and have struggled with this for a long time, it has been a positive experience for me and one that I do not regret. I’m not sorry for having loved him.

If anyone needs an ear they know where to find me. I’d be happy to listen. Best of luck.

Beth

Oh Dee, so glad we understand each other! Katrin

You know, the good thing is that sometimes you learn so much from what went wrong, or the mistakes, even more so than what went right? Kat, again.

hi… back from holidays, just found out “my therapist” has separated. He was so flustered he was not himself, nearly stuffed up my meds… they are being reduced.He said to me.. I looked great and that he was so happy to see me, I gave him a beautiful tropical flower you can only get in far North Queenland Australia. He hung on to it and said why werent you here last week, I didn’t have an appt, its now. Hope all is well with all xx K

Hi Everyone,

Back from holidays-had a great time! Beth, yes thankyou..I have had time to reflect a little since my last blog..I am angry at him, but not to the point where I think that this whole experience was all wrong. I am a sexual assault surviour and he really did help me work through that like no one else before him. He hung in there with me when I myself believed that there was no more to work through. For this I am grateful. I can see that he took his work with me very seriously and was concerned for me. Deep down, he is a decent human being who wants to help others. I think though, like I said before, he failed to see what was happening to me through him (transference). We should’ve talked it through, these feelings that I had for him. (I know that he knew), but instead, he stopped seeing me has my physciatrist. At the time when our sessions ended, I was not ready to leave, but I was too afraid to tell him this.( Not his fault) I wanted to believe that my feelings for him would gradually go away if I didn’t see him again. Of course, my feelings for him intensefied and I fould myself calling him 2-3 times a week. Not ever talking to him, but just leaving messages as to what was happening with me, my life, how I felt etc. At our last session, he did tell me that I should not call as often I was calling (2 times a day.. Yikes!), but that I could continue to leave messages. I think that he did not want to hurt my feelings by saying this. Like I said, he has always been on my side and he did not intentionally “lead me on” in any way. He was always professional with me and never crossed any boundries. Having said all that though..it was his job to address the signs, to “deal with it” so to speak (believe me, there were plenty from me), but like you said Beth, I can see now that he didn’t know what to do either (lack of experience) and did the best he could I think. Perhaps he’ll know how to handle it the next time I guess? What I do know is this: I cannot tolerate any longer. The ying and the yang..you want it, but just can’t take it anymore. Simply put. Thankyou Katrin..you were the first to put in words what was/is going on with me. I am so relieved to finally be at this point..it took me a year to get here. Part of me is so ashamed and humiliated, but another part of me is grateful for having gone through this. It has shown me what I am capable of and what the human spirit can endure. Thanks all. DEE

My God…… he has separated, he wants to meet my twin 8yr old sons next week, he told me I am also such a beautiful mother. He’s a bit confused and different, I want to lend some gentle support x K

It is funny how things work out sometimes, isn’t it? I went to therapy bordering on depression and the closeness I felt with my therapist is exactly what I needed to get me out of it. I believe the entire experience has enlightened me and helped me to grow both emotionally and spiritually. My feelings remain the same, though I understand them much better now.

Dee, it sounds as if you are understanding that your therapist is a person just like the rest of us. They aren’t perfect…mine wasn’t either…and I think it’s very important to know this. I think a mistake many of them make is to not discuss the client’s response to them with their clients. Talking about and exploring your feelings is the best way to come to understand and accept them. What is it that you feel ashamed of?

Kriistene, are you still in therapy? Have you discussed your feelings for your T with your T?

Hi Beth,

All I can say is that I am so glad this is over for me. I feel ashamed because I feel like I made such a fool out of myself..phoning him all the time..expressing my feelings for him..sounding so friggin desperate and needy all the time!…My God..I’m sure I drove the poor guy crazy..different from you..I never actually spoke face to face with him again after our sessions ended..for the last 7 months I have been leaving him voice messages, so really I have no idea how he feels about the whole thing. I’m convinced he thinks I am a “nut” so this is why I feel so humiliated..I keep picturing him sitting at his desk listening to me go on and on about how much I care about him etc etc. and he’s either A) rolling his eyes or B) laughing his head off…I dunno really..and to be honest..I don’t want to know..I cannot suffer the humiliations…really I can’t. Anyway, it’s all good now..enough said..I’m good with how things are at this moment..tommorow? Who knows? Take Care All… DEE

Dee,

So when you would leave him messages, you would never hear anything back from him? I can only imagine how difficult that must have been.

I think a big part of the problem with this is that many clients leave therapy before discussing all of these very strong emotions. You walk out the door and are left with powerful feelings… and you don’t know what to do about them. There were a few times when I sent him lengthy emails in the middle of a yearning spell. I eventually went back and had several sessions where my feelings for him were discussed. It was embarrassing at first. I spent a lot of time looking at the floor…In the end it was a relief to at least express my feelings of affection to him. He was always very gentle and sensitive with me, so that helped a great deal.

It sounds as if you’ve attached your behaviors to some type of shame. During the first stages of romantic love there are a lot of chemicals set off in our bodies that make us behave in ways that we otherwise wouldn’t. Basically, the biological wheels start spinning. And this is really no different. I’d be willing to bet that your therapist understands this. It seems as if he probably was unsure of how best to handle your situation. And while this may be understandable, it is no fault of your own that it wasn’t dealt with properly.

In time, each day gets a little easier. Some good ones, some not-so-good ones, but eventually the path gets easier. I hope the road is less bumpy for you in the future. Take care.

Beth

Hey Beth,

Thankyou..you have been such a big help to me. I can see that you understand what is happening to me. Yes, like you said, he let me go far to early in therapy, even though I gave him plenty of signs that I still needed him. At our last session he explained that while our work together was done, he would like to continue hearing from me from time to time. He explained that I was not to call him during a specific time frame as he was in session with other patients at that time. I could leave messages, but if I needed something pertaining to meds etc, that he would call me back. One day, I called to leave him a message, really early in the day (not during session time)and he picked up the phone. He seemed annoyed with me for calling (obviously there was something going on at that moment), I could see that he was not happy with me and he scolded me like a child. This is when the feelings of humiliation started, yet I could not stop calling him. I became more desperate after that..very childlike, like a girl looking for her father’s approval or something..I dunno. I would tell myself everyday..”do not call him Dee, do not call him”..yet I did. It was like I needed to hear his voice just to cope. I made a point after that of calling him only in the evening, after office hours, with no risk of him picking up the phone. As time went on..I became more and more embarressed about the whole situation..Many days thinking: “What the hell am I doing?” “Snap out of it”!!!!! “Your a grown woman for God’s sake”!! The last 6 months have been very difficult for me. I think, that deep down, I was hoping that he would call me, to acknowledge how I felt, but, he didn’t. Which I can understand, what was he going to say really? “Oh Dee, I am so glad..I feel the same way”. I am not dillusional. It’s like you said..I just think he really did not know what to do with me..anyway, the last six weeks or so, I just started to feel like I just couldn’t take this anymore..I needed him, yet I just could/can not tolerate this anymore..the humiliation has become unbearable..it has started to affect me in a negative way. This is when I finally made the decision to stop this..I feel really good about that and am hoping I will keep my word to myself. That’s all for now..Stay Well..DEE

Hi, transient therapy,mainly to obtain an authorization script ( as in get three boxes of medication for the price of one) My medication is being weaned!!, I feel ok.x K

Hi Dee,

It sounds as if you were experiencing separation distress and so felt a desperate need to contact. I think that probably goes back to infant-parent attachment. Child needs parent in order to survive and so when separated from parent, the child is then driven to seek out the attachment figure. It’s a basic survival mechanism that has apparently been instilled in us. I had the very same feeling after ending my therapy and it is almost compulsive in nature…and very difficult to control. I really think it is a completely normal reaction. I can remember the most awful yearning…it felt as if there was a vacuum on my heart and it was being suctioned out. This longing would go on for several hours at a time and several times a day in the beginning. It was physical. My heart was literally aching for him. It doesn’t really happen anymore, but it has also taken me over a year to feel at total peace with the separation. There is real grief involved with the loss of this relationship. And again, I believe this to be a very normal reaction.

Try to be gentle with yourself. You have made the decision now to separate from him and this “urge to contact” should ease in time. Hopefully you have a support systrem in your life and friends or family who will help you through this difficult time. It sounds as if you are determined and on your way to feeling at peace with all of this. Take care.

Beth

Hi Beth,

I am really trying to be gentle with myself..but it`s hard..I feel so damn humiliated and can`t believe I allowed myself to get carried away like this. It is very unlike me, yet at times it felt good to allow myself that vulnability. I still struggle though..just this morning I yearned for him..to just talk to him..I did Yoga instead! Ha! Anyway, I know that`s it`s the right thing to do for myself..just try and carry on and not make contact with him anymore. Most people who have never experienced something like this don`t understand so I rarely talk about it with outsiders. I am married with 2 young children. My husband has no idea. My `moments`are attrubuted to my depression and he understands this and is very patient with me. He (my husband) is a wonderful man. But this `thing`in my head with my T is something very different than the intimacy I share with my husband. Hard to explain really..Anyway, my kids (who are so adorable and sweet) keep my on my toes..and laughing…this is a good thing..Take Care Beth…DEE

This post has really disturbed me when I peruse comments these past 2 months, and I have finally decided to comment here, expecting I will be shouted down and dismissed, but the regulars need to hear the following:

There is NOTHING therapeutic to be involved with your therapist, and most responsible and ethical organizations and boards who define appropriate care and boundaries will do more than frown on any clinician who gets physically involved with a defined patient! Sure, there are few and far between exceptions to this, but you better be ready for some serious fallout, and the clinician better be ready to potentially lose a license to practice. So, to risk annoying and pissing some people off above here, there is more so personality issues at hand in debating this and looking for justification, so good luck in your searches to unite with a person who I hope started out trying to help you get back on track and be productive, positive, and functional. Because if you get involved with your therapist emotionally and physically, I will quote you what I feel is an appropriate line from ‘The Little Mermaid’:

looking leads to wanting, and that leads to trouble.

Or, CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!!

just a professional opinion.

skillsnotpills, board cert psych MD

Hi above,

I think that what you have said above is true. I think though that if you have followed us “regulars” as you so call us, you will note that the the majority of us already KNOW this! There are a few out there who are willing to risk everything and “cross over”, but the majority of us are just trying to deal with the reality that we have feelings for a person that we cannot ever have a relationship with,outside of a therapeutic one. What is so disturbing about that? At the end of the day, its really about wanting to be seen and heard, what every human being naturally longs for. I don’t think you should be so hard on us. Like I said before, we are all just trying to find our way.

I agree with you one hundred percent. I have always understood and respected the relationship for exactly what it is. I never wanted it to be more. My therapist was always professional with me. I just ended up with feelings for him that I valued very much. Of course I’ve always known that they could NEVER be acted on. I’ve just been trying to understand and accept them. I’ve been trying to cope with the loss and have wanted to discuss it. Knowing what the relationship is doesn’t make it easy to separate from it. I’ve wanted to help others know that their difficulties are not just theirs…that others share in a similar type of pain. I still love my therapist and while I will never regret that, I know that our relationship is what it is and that is that.

I just wanted to add that I personally always welcome any discussion…opinions and thoughts from others. I certainly wouldn’t get annoyed…I just sometimes become protective of my feelings because they are meaningful to me. But at the same time I’m aware that the defensiveness is my issue. I also think that I’m much better with this now. I’m doing my best to move on and learn from this. I really think that studying my feelings has helped me to learn a great deal about myself and that what I’ve learned through this I can now use positively in my life. I also can’t help but find this entire experience very fascinating as I have a personal interest in psychology. Life is always a work in progress. Even after therapy is over…

Best to all.

Beth

Hey Beth,

I have to say your input into my situation has been such a big help to me. Today, I woke up thinking about him as I do most days, but the urge to call him was not there.(good, good). I shall continue…Take Care

Dee

Dee, you will feel so much better without therapy. What you accomplished was not only that you learned a great deal about yourself and him, but that you are able to master difficult, very difficult, situations and relationships, and become stronger.

I don’t think skillsnotpills understands just how devastating this situation can be, but I do hope, SNP, that you may still listen to us, and hear what we are saying, as this is not only true, but more common than many people who should know, do know. And it is very real. it’s not something you plan on. it’s in fact, the last thing you imagine happening. And it is not only something that happens to ‘needy’ people, but in fact, even more of a nightmare for those of us who have always been very independent, and didn’t really need anyone.

Thanks for listening! kat

Hi….saw A*** today (T), Meds are drawing to a close, we enjoy each other so much, I guess knowing each other for a long time socially, work etc contributes. I don’t believe in Transference, another Psychiatrist told me many relationships begin out by that description and work. he’s hot, he has the most well developed sense of humour, I have never laughed so much in all my life. A sincere character, what a cross road-a bit scary.I sort of have never wanted to admit it, but after all this time, I do believe I am in love with him. Anyway just had to get that out. Dee your doing awesome, proud of U x K

Hi Everyone,

Still doing well today…miss, miss, miss him so, but still no impulsive moments to call. Thanks again for all your support everyone..Kriistene..I am a little worried about you though..what is the next step for you? He has seperated. Does it have anything to do with you? Please, please be careful, but I know how exciting this must be for you..hard to control..this I know..Stay Well..

DEE

Hi, nothing at all to do with me whatsoever, I am just eeing my meds out , almost complete. Spoke to my husband seriously about reprocussions I will employ if things dont change between us, he listened carefully and agreed. We might just be ok. No, it was some young Physio that caused the problem amongst other factors I’m sure. I’m not excited about it all , I just want happiness for all, he’s a great bloke. Any woman would “fall in love” with this honey. You would have to be either a lesbian or crazy not to fall for this one. I’m great, going overseas to Europe for 3 wks to visit family for a wedding, thanks Dee xxxx take care K

Hi…what do you all think about my situation???? x K

I feel sorry for the therapist! He is not immune to being hurt, either.

So you feel you are in love with him? Have you discussed your feelings for him with him? It might be helpful to understanding where they are coming from and how best to deal with them. I’d have to go back and read more to get a clearer picture of your situation. Is it my understanding that you feel the affection is mutual? I still belive that emotional honesty is the best course of action. What are you feeling about all of this?

Hi… yeah its mutual, we know it’s not ethical at this stage so we are not acting on it, just mucking around, a lot of laughs…..I would prefer to get things on track with my husband, he’s a wonderful man and father. I would never in my entire life hurt A***, he saved my life three years ago, I will never forget that, you don’t hurt someone like that ever, he knows that, I know that. x K

PS Katrin….your history of advice to others is on the verge of outstanding… thanks for yours to mine? x K

I agree, most of us here, understand what should happen in therapy…the boundaries, rules, regulations……but the heart goes where it will. This is why I am a member of the site A Most Heartbreaking Love….where everyone understands what it is like to have feelings for a therapist. The aforementioned professional stated what we all know.

Still in love with my t for five years; and yes…it has been discussed many times.

Put 2 people in a room…and if there is chemistry…that is the beginning of a struggle. We should not be ashamed of our feelings. They aren’t right or wrong…they just are, and should be honored and dealt with.

If my t hadn’t involved me in his struggle I could have better handled it.

Thank you, Kriistene. I just saw your message to me. It’s really hard sometimes to keep track of which articles you commented on, and to check back on them to see if someone else commented.

What I have found works best is to go to the ’search box’ and put in your name, and then it will list all the articles you commented on and it’s easy to go through, and back to them.

I was a little worried about hurting you with my comment and am so glad I did not.

xxxKatrin

thanks Katrin.. thats a good idea, there’s not a great deal that can hurt me anymore. xx K

Hi Everyone,

I am so glad to see all the wonderful support each and every one of you are giving each other. Indeed. Just back from a business trip(I own a jewelery business)…talk about serendipity…there was a psychology convention at the hotel I was staying in (Toronto, Canada). 1000 psychologists from all over the world all in the same place! So, I’m in the lounge (of course),with one of my colleagues, enjoying my Cranberry martini when sitting right beside me (you guessed it), one of the speakers at the convention. Very handsome young guy, intelligent..Harvard grad etc., we talk a while, and guess what?!!! the guy asked me and and my friend if we would meet up later, (one of his colleagues showed up too). I am telling you, I’ve never had so much fun in all my life! These guys were a blast! We laughed our heads off..(I guess psychologists have a sense of humour after all) The best part is: free psycotherapy!!! He was quite impressed with my “knowledge” on the world of psychology Ha Ha! Little did he know what it is based on….anyway, it is just so odd that here I am dealing with my “issues” when out of the blue I am surrounded by not just one, but 1000 psychologists..very strange indeed..throught you all would appreciate my story…Hang in there everyone..DEE

Hi Dee…..Where was my invite? Glad u had a great time x Kriistene

All’s quite with everyone I guess? Nothing new to report myself. Still thinking, wishing and looking for him in crowds..stay well everyone.

Dee

Ah… I meant quiet, not quite..typo..time to go to bed!

Not that quiet Dee, small towns are difficult when you run into each other. My thing at the moment is that he makes himself so available ,I had some difficulty with medication side effects etc, a few things happened at once and i felt dreadful. I am going to Europe in a few weeks (i live in Australia) and he said please see me before I leave. Its confusing, is it an attraction or just a wonderful person. I tell my husband most things and they are good mates (small town!!!) I have seen Clinical Psychologists in the past, they do the job well, this seems so different, why ? because he’s a Psychiatrist? because we have socialised , worked together. As I have said , he’s far to wonderful a person to comprimise in any way…. he’s still hot , I tell you. Take care all, esp. u Dee ok xxx KK from Oz

Hi Kriistene,

Yes, sounds like you have alot happening. Those feelings are strong aren’t they? I have been good lately..not feeling so desperate as before but still hoping to run into him somewhere. I live in a big city so chances are slim..for the better anyway..stay strong and enjoy Europe. DEE

I just read through all of these posts and I feel very grateful to all of you for sharing. I was surprised that no one wrote about the feelings of anger and betrayal that come from knowing that your therapists see other patients. When I am there in his office I feel like I am the only one in his world – he has no wife, no kids, no 20 year history of working with patients, no students, and definitely no other frigging patients. And I love that. I know, intellectually, that it is an illusion… that I am part of his work, his job, his profession. When he goes on a vacation it’s a vacation from me. And I feel horrible about this. I imagine that he does enjoy our time together. He certainly makes me feel like everything I say is very interesting and important when I’m there… And of course, my father never made me feel interesting or important. And it was always about him and what his opinions and needs were. So naturally when someone devotes the kind of time that my therapist does I feel filled, quenched… in love. Madly in love. Desperately, painfully, agonizingly in love. And oh god yes is it sexual. It is unlikely that I would find myself physically attracted to him in another context but just as all mothers find their children to be the most beautiful of all the world’s children, I have fallen in love with his face, with his voice, with his jokes. And when I talk about these feelings, as I have constantly for the last two months it makes my stomach tremble and the surge of emotion and arousal is just so strong. And in those moments I feel so extremely lucky to be able to experience this falling in love feeling – this feeling that I thought I had closed a door on when I said my wedding vows. But oh the ache when the illusion fades. The ache that every song on the radio seems to be written about. The ache that makes me look at his Facebook picture (it’s public — we’re not “friends”), Google “In love with therapist” and write long letters describing me feelings to women (and a few men) who I’ll never meet but who so very clearly share these feelings of love, lust, joy and despair. I am putting so much faith in him, in the process of therapy, and in my own survival strengths to bear these incredibly uncomfortable feelings in the hope that I’ll be rewarded with more than just the momentary, fleeting, euphoric teenage-drama type experiences and gain a bit of what Beth has so articulately described… the introspection, the learning to love in a fuller, deeper way, the surmounting of past trauma and rejection. Best wishes to all of you and thank you again for your honesty and wisdom.

Must be off to bed now… I have therapy in the morning

Hi… a lot is happening, my feelings for years , before therapy etc have been really intermitent, I think he’s so hot, but I am inlove with my husband. Things however have been difficult with my husband, use to getting his own way , typical Surgeon, takes that out me only at home, not when we work together. He is a lovely man its just a bit hard. To tell the truth, I would love an affair with A but could I look my family in the face again like I always have. We are at a hard faze, I would adore looking forward to seeing him privately, I will ask as therapy draws to a close.

He is so hot……My family is better Ilove rhem so much, would it be so bad to have an affair or half an affair, whatever that it ?? xx KKK

I am glad I found this website. I have been struggling with my feelings towards my therapist for some time now. It is driving me crazy! I am married and so is he. However, I am not inlove with my husband. I want to tell tell my therapist that I am inlove with him so he can help me through this, but I am deathly afraid that if I tell him how I feel about him he will discontinue seeing me as a patient. Has anyone ever had that happen to them? I am making so much progress since I’ve been in therapy with him. I have seen many therapists in my past and have never fallen inlove with them. The therapist I am seeing now challenges me and has helped me open up like I never have to any of my other therapists. I cant afford to lose him. Help, anyone.

Bonnie,

As you know, most of us here have been struggling with similar issues. Your therapists job is to help you and obviously, by reading your above blog, he has done so. I don’t think that by telling your therapist how you feel about him will constitute a dismissal by him, in fact, we are told that this is a natural part of the therapeutic process. However, having said that, what I do know, is that it can not and should not be taken to the next level. ie-a relationship outside of a therapeutic one. If you read the article and what most of us are struggling with is just that: how to deal with feelings for someone we cannot share our lives with. It’s a tough one, and the journey for answers never seems to end. For myself, the journey has come and gone in many different stages, and most of the time, it has been a lesson in pure frustration. I am at a point now, where while my feelings for him remain the same (I care very deeply for him, and do love him), I do not need him to carry on in my life. I am surviving just fine without this need to feel like he has to be part of my life. I am okay with just thinking about him for time to time and really, just wishing him well in his life. Believe me, it took awhile to get here (almost one year), but I’m here and really, it is such a relief! Bonnie, know that it is a process and part of your journey, go with it and see where it takes you, be open to what you feel and most of all, don’t beat yourself for feeling what you feel. Good luck and know that you have a place to discuss your feelings. DEE

Thank you, Dee. I wrote him a letter and plan to read it to him in our next session. Just writing the letter helped relieve some burden. I will keep everyone posted on how it goes next week. I am nervous and scared but know I can no longer contain it.

Hi Bonnie..good, good..I would be very interested in hearing how things turn out..keep us posted. DEE

Kriistene,

Don’t do it, seriously..no no..try and resolve the home life issues first..talk to the “T” about this..then see..don’t jump in just yet..I know..it’s so tempting, especially when there is such a physical attraction. Given the current state, I say no, but would still support you if you did..it’s up to you..DEE

Anika,

Don’t know how I missed your blog..how are you doing? What can I say? You seem to be going through was most of us here have/are going through. How long have you been seeing him as a patient? How long since the intense feelings began? Just you know, I totally understand the whole Facebook thing..did that for a while and finally put a stop to it..it just made things worse for me..but I had to get to that point..that in the end, the situation was doing me more harm than good AND affecting my relationship with my husband. You will get there though, at some point you will get tired of the intense feelings and how exhausting it is to have a relationship with someone in your mind only..it takes time and goes through stages..anyway, we’ve all been there..keep us posted..DEE..

P.S. Got rid of the Bon Jovi CD too!

?? Bon Jovi, “you give love a bad name ” what a cracker and a flash back to the 80’s !!!!! Joke: What would John Bon’s sister be called if her name was Anne? Answer Anne Jovi” ha ha ha, get it? I am mad. I agree with phases and stages, but is it possible to love your husband so much, and yet have intense lust (not love) feelings for your therapist????? x K

Kriitene,

No 80’s Bon Jovi for me..just more recent stuff, that the “T” had playing in the background once..damn him! Well, loving someone and lusting after someone else are two different things. I’m in the same situation remember? Here’s the thing though, you have to ask yourself: What is it exactly that you want from the “T”? An affair? That’s easy to do. If that’s it then I say go for it. But to disrupt your life, and perhaps all the progress you have made is alot to give up for sex. Have you talked to “A” about what he wants? I just think that in the end Kriitene, you will regret your decision and then where will you be? Seriously, think about it long and hard. It sounds like your and “A” have come to this decision together(?), talk to him..see what he wants too. It’s a tough one for sure and I know how you feel. Wanting someone so badly. Keep me posted. DEE

Thank you Dee. But, the more I think of reading my letter to my therapist about my love for him, the more nervous I get. I’m not sure I have the gutts to do it. I dont know if I am doing the right thing. He returned my call the other day, and we talked for a whole hour on the phone. It was mostly regarding my marriage, but there was a lot of small talk and laughter too. We “hit it off” so well. We laugh and joke together a lot. I know he cares about me more then just doing his job. He has told me before that he lost sleep because he was thinking about our last session or upcoming session. I dont think he romantically has feelings for me, but I do believe he cares for me as a person. I dont want to risk ruining what we have going by telling him that I love him. It is a war inside of me to unload this burden and risk losing what we have and making him pull away, or to keep it inside and deal with it on my own.

Bonnie,

I know..I wrote and tore up about 4 letters myself. I just couldn’t do it either..they sounded so corny and did not seem to really express what I felt. I ended up telling him via voice mail..I have no idea how he took it, and I have yet to hear from him (which is good). I don’t want to know his reaction, because in the end, I don’t think that I could handle the rejection plus I was concerned about upseting him. This all happened after I was no longer seeing him as my therapist. Your relationship with your “T” sounds alot like mine. It’s been 7 months since I last saw or spoke to him and there is not one day that goes by that I don’t think about him and just wonder how he is doing..like I have said before..I don’t feel the desperation that I once felt, although there are still days I long to talk to him..anyway, I’m better now and happy that I had his insight in the first place. Don’t worry, you’ll get there too. Take Care and let me know what you decidet to do..DEE

Dee,

I cant imagine what you are going through. The idea that there could be an end to therapy, makes my stomach hurt. I still have the letter I wrote him. I came across this website where you can talk to a live councelor for 1.60 a minute. I explained to the councelor my dilema and he told me that in order to make any more progress with my therapy that I should tell him how I feel. I thought this confirmed it for me. My husband is in school for mental health counceling and he told me that if a patient was to fall inlove with the therapist that it is normal protocal to refer them out.(He doesn’t know how I feel about my therapist) I was upset to hear that of course and told him he would be a bad therapist if he ever did that to any of his clients. So it scares me that there is different reactions for different therapists. I know my therapist cares about me a lot and even has talked to me outside of session on phone for an hour without charging at least two times. Regarding treatment of course. We have such a great relationship that I’m not sure I want to risk losing that. I will keep the letter on standby and if I am propelled to tell him then I will have it ready. Thanks for listening and sharing. I am glad to hear that you are on the road to healing. I’m sure it must be real hard to not have heard from him yet. Keep us posted. I will definately keep you posted on how it goes. I see him again next wed.

Hi Bonnie,

It was very hard once therapy ended. I wasn’t ready to leave and probably should’ve told him this, but was to afraid at the time. Last winter was a tough one and my feelings for him went through many differenct stages. I came to a point this past spring where I knew I just had to let things go as it was starting to affect me in a negative way. I have found a new therapist (a woman this time) who has helped me keep everything in perspective and who has assured me that I am not a bad person for having feeling for my therapist, that it is a natural part of the therapy process. It’s how we handle these feelings that counts. Anyway, He will always hold a special place in my heart and I owe him alot. Hope this helps. DEE

Hi… I think there are many variations on feelings toward T’s. I saw him today,and for the first time I told him , I would have the stamina to leave my husband, and when the time comes, i would certainly prefer to be with someone (not marry)He stopped dead in his tracks and stared and we just looked at each other for quite a while, I noticed a twitch in his eye, and saw a different face looking at me. I like him so much, he saved my life, and I would never hurt this man. Maybe I have matured in my feelings over the last 3 yrs.He has always been most genuine person. Unconditionally been there for me out of hrs etc.. .take Care X K

Hi Dee,

I’m glad you found a woman therapist to help you through this tough time. I am thinking of talking to a pastor about this too.

Wow, Kriistene. That is a big move. Does he feel the same way about you? What did he say about it?I can only dream of my therapist feeling the same way. I guess I’ll find out soon.

Hi Bonnie,

I can very much relate to your situation. I’ve been completely out of therapy for 9 months now. I returned briefly to tell my therapist how I felt about him. I did it in much the same way you have been considering…with a written note. He was very gentle, caring and accepting…as he always was as my T.

It can also be very helpful to you if you study the feelings, understand where thay are coming from and what they mean. The motivations behind these feelings offer lots of information on what you desire in a relationship.

This expereince has been well over a year for me now and I’m still not perfect with it. My feelings have not changed during this time, but I have been working hard on changing my response to them. The grief from leaving therapy has been a great struggle, but I honestly do not regret a moment of it. I think I have grown emotionally from this and have seen some of my own potential. I care for him very deeply and always will. Best of luck to you.

Beth

Beth,

Thank you for sharing that. I have thought of those things and I would also like for my therapist to help me sort through them too. I have a very selfish husband that only cares about himself and his needs. My husband has the same therapist that I do. My therapist gets real frustrated with my husband and relates to me more. He tells me he cant help being biest. He is very caring. Returns my calls and relates to me. I’ve never had that before, especially from my father, so maybe he is like a father I never had. Except he’s in his 30’s like me and gorgeous. I see him Thursday. Maybe I’ll have the gutts to tell him. I’ll bring my letter with me just in case.

Hi ,he did’nt say a word. I am not going to hurt my family or him. That’s the absolute last resort.It feels so good to be with him, I have never felt so protected and cared for in a slightly different way. I like him intensly. But outside the sheltered walls of T, things would perhaps be incredibly different. But you know, he’s just so genuine and wonderful. XXX K

Kriistene,

I absolutely know what you mean. I finally told my therapist today. He was very shocked. He was quiet for a long time. He was very compassionate and told me he does not plan on transferring me out. He said we have developed a relationship and a working relationship. That made me happy to hear that he considers us more then just client therapy. Of course not in a romantic way. He said he will work with me on it. I was so nervouse, but I did it. I am glad to have this website to be able to share with others who are going through this. I’ve only told 2 of my close friends and they completely do not understand me and I can tell they look down on me for it. I just dont even talk to them about it any more.

Thanx Bonnie, I appreciate your feedback. My best friend ,who also happens to be psychiatrist is on to me, didn’t even have to tell her. Yes friends, family generally wouldn’t understand, but they haven’t seen how hot he is!!!! xxx K ps going O/S for 3 wks to germany. Chat when i return take care all.

This is torture. I dont want to feel this way anymore. I feel so overwhelmed. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Hello, I’m new… I have a crush on my therapist and already discussed it with him. The problem is, I think I only brought it up because I wanted him to tell me back… but he didn’t.

I’m afraid if I continue to talk about it, he might drop me as a client. Anyone have some advice?

I find it difficult to believe that so many therapists are so “ethcial” on this very issue. I only say that because we are all human and have attractions. I understand why it’s considered ethical, but surely there must be marriages born out of this situation?

What about women that might report them to an ethics board because they don’t reciprocate?

Go back to a post I made here in August for the point, but I’ll say it again for those like jinx’d who ask: there is NOTHING professional or ethical to get romantically or physically involved with a patient as their therapist! It is wrong, counter therapeutic, and can lead to one’s license being revoked. Anyone who says otherwise is clueless or a predator, or as a patient does not understand or accept professional boundries. This thread is not accepting of this, and will lead to trouble.

Good luck!!!

skillsnotpills, board cert psych MD

Hi Jinx’d,

I know exactly what you are going through. I am completely inlove with my Therapist. When I told him I partly hoped that he would return those feelings. I got better then that–understanding and insight on why I feel this way. I know I would be inlove with him in any other situation as well, but the fact that it happened in a theraputic environment shows that there is definately more to it then love. In my situation, I am using him as a coping mechenism to not have to deal with the issures in my life. I am by no means, down playing your feelings for your T. These feeling are very real.

Even though I would love to have an affair with my T, I love him too much to put him at risk of losing his license or/and going to prison. Because that is what would happen if someone found out and reported it. And even if you never get caught, it would always be over his head that if you ever get mad at him or he brakes it off, you will report him.

It is a good thing you told him. He is there to help you through ANY emotion or problem you have. You cannot make any progress in therapy concealing your feelings. You should be able to talk about your feelings as often as you feel necessary. Hopefull he is able to help you through this hard time as mine is helping me. I love my T very much and I probally always will. Hope this helps. Hang in there.

P.s. You should also be able to talk to him about your fear of being “dumped” by him for talking about it. I am sure that if he is a good therapist, he will reasure you. If not, then he’s not worth it.

skillsnotpills - thank you. I do understand that it isn’t therapeutic or ethical. It seems that being a therapist is almost a damned career.

At this point I might as well just find another therpaist, because I can’t stop thinking about mine. Its torture that he doesn’t feel the same about me and I don’t know how to deal with it.

Sadly, I’m in such a bad state with my depression, I need someone to help me sort out my life. I almost hate him now for making me love him.

skillsnotpills,

I understand your frustration with therapist who get involved romantically with their patients. I am sure there are some jerk therapists out there who get off on vulnerable patients. But I am also sure that there are those who genuinly get caught in the natural affections you get when you really hit it off well with someone that is so much like you. It must be really hard being a Therapist.

jinx’d,

I hope you dont run from your feelings. You really should work it out with your T. It will only continue to happen with the next T you get. You need to work on where these feelings are coming from. Did you get my measage ubove?

Bonnie
Thank you for your message. I never realized until this thread how common this actually is. I’ve never fallen for a therapist before, but this is my first male one.

I really do want to touch more upon my feelings for him, but it is horribly embarrassing and I feel angry that he doesn’t feel the same. I do have body image issues and very low self esteem and this feels like the ultimate rejection.

My heart and stomach hurt when I think about this issue. After I told him, I felt like a dumb ass for doing so. He looks uncomfortable around me, and that is what frightens me about bringing it up again.

What makes me worse is that I’m married.

Jinx’d

I too have self esteem issues. And I am married with 2 kids, and he is married too. That is unfortunate that he is acting uncomfortable. Could it be that maybe you are assuming he is uncomfortable because of your self esteem issues?
There is nothing wrong with how you feel. I felt real embarassed at first, but the more I talked to him about it, the more relaxed I felt. Maybe you could tell him that you suspect it is transference and that you want him to help you through it. That might relax him more to know that you are seeking for him to help you through it. What exactly did he tell you when you told him how you felt? Let us know how it goes. You might feel more comfortable writing a letter too. That sometimes helps to put your feelings to paper.

Bonnie,
I guess I think he’s uncomfortable because he seemed a bit surprised at my revelation.

On the visit before I told him how I hate being ugly and fat and I know people are thinking that when they look at me. He said “I think you’re a beautiful woman, so I’m not sure why you would thinks like you”. I knew he was saying that just because.

I went through almost half of the session and said “M, I need to tell you something that is bothering me”. It took me a few minutes of starting and stopping, turning red, wringing my hands, but he was patient and told me to take my time. I said “M, I think I have a small crush on you and I thought you should know in case you wanted to drop me.

I think he was genuinely surprised, but he told me that the session before, he was worried that I might take his comment on my beauty the wrong way. I started to feel so embarrassed as he explained how this is quite common given the safe & intimate situation with therapy. I almost felt like running out at that moment. He said that from time to time, he will come across a beautiful client and finding himself floating off or not concentrating properly. I asked him what he does at that point? He said that he will speak with a supervisor or even his wife (she is also a therapist) to figure it out. I just tried to joke if off because I was so freaked out.

I don’t know what he’s thinking or even what I’m thinking. I’m just afraid if I bring it up again he’ll say goodbye because of my lingering crush. I do want to continue with him because I like his style and I do, or did feel comfortable.

This whole thing is so confusing to me. I’ve been in therapy for years, all with females, but I was never quite honest. That is why I picked a male this time. I thought it might force me to be more open and honest about how to fix me.

Jinx’d,

Sounds like you had a very possitive experience. I can only hope to have gotten a compliment like that from my T. He’s complimented me on what I’m wearing but never on my actual looks. I too have told him how insecure I am with my looks and wieght. I dont think he would tell you that you are a beautiful woman to make you feel better. His job is not to flatter you, but to help you with honesty. My T was surprised when I told him too. He was actually speechless for the first 5 minutes. It was kinda funny. I think your T is handling it very well and delicately. I wouldn’t worry about it. I think he seems like a very nice person and it is nice of him to let you know that this happens to him from time to time. He seems like he knows what he is doing. Dont let it hang over your head every time you see him.

Bonnie,
Thank you for the positive comments. I just don’t want to let my crush get in the way of my focus of therapy. Maybe I’m just thinking a little too much about this whole thing to move forward.

Bonnie, do you feel obsessed? I do… I look up his wife and him on facebook just to see their profile pictures. That seems disgusting doesn’t it?

Jinx’d,

I thought the same way. I told my T that I have so many issues I want to talk about and now I have this in the way. He said these feelings are necessary to make progress. I guess he is referring to transference. They are a part of you and what you are, and what better place to have them but in the safety of your trusted therapist. It would be so much worse if we, being married, got these feelings towards someone else who took advantage and broke our heart and destroyed our family life. I am not inlove with my husband, but I have 2 kids and would never leave my husband. I think there is more to marriage then just being inlove.

I am very obsessed. I have an obsessive personality and I am smitten by my T. I have not been able to do my regular chores around the house, I cant eat. I wake up thinking of him and go to sleep thinking of him. I fantacise about him all the time and have to resist the urge to seduce him. I too have looked him up on facebook. I listen to sad love songs all the time too. And I cant begin to tell you how much time I spend on the computer looking up websites about transference and being inlove with your therapist.

I told him how I cant stop thinking of him and he is trying to help me find coping methods to keep my mind buisy. It’s helping some. I am just trying to help others in as many ways as I can. If it’s from babysitting to going to church–anything to keep my mind of him. It is easier to keep your mind off your problems when you are helping others with thiers.

P.s. Another thing my T told me is, to not think about it too much and how to “fix” it. Process it slowly. Take your time. Dont panic. I found that comforting. I am in such a rush to get away from this feeling that I am missing the whole journey. I am still working on it, but I feel I am finding some peace in it—at times.

Hi Bonnie and Jinx’d,

I have been following your blogs..both of you sound alot like me and where I was a year and half ago..in fact almost identical!!! I can now say that I’m “over” it..believe me..it took alot to get me to this place, alot of suffering and many lessons in pure frustration. I’m happy to say that he will always hold a very special place in my heart, but the urgency of wanting him and thinking about him all the time is gone. It took a long time..but I’m okay now. I just got to that point and you will know it when it comes your way too. All the best. DEE

Bonnie,
That’s exactly how it is that I feel right now. I felt as if I could have written it myself. Every moment of the day I’m wondering what he’s doing, what his wife is doing and if he’s thought about me. I feel angry at times because I shouldn’t be this way. My husband is a wonderful man, but the love after so many years is just love. No passion, nothing. No kids either, which makes me wonder if we really should be together.

I get angry with myself for feeling this way. This man has a wife, a career and now someone like me that always wants to look him up on facebook. It’s crazy and I feel crazy.

I have one internet friend that I told about this and his comment was “maybe you and your husband just are wrong for each other if you seem to fancy another man?” Do you think that might be true? I’ve actually have had a few “crushes” and I don’t know why. My friend was just trying to help, but it hurt like hell and I felt so much guilt today. My stomach is so upset and I feel like throwing up.

I have to put my head back on straight and stop feeling this way.

Dee,
It’s so comforting to know that you can overcome this, but I’m a very weak person and have an obsessive personality. How can something that is supposed to be so natural be so painful? Maybe we women should just stick to women therapists and we won’t have this problem? Damn myself for trying something different.

I can honestly say i feel tortured inside.

Dee,

Thank you for your encouragement. It is nice to see a light on the other side of the tunnel. I’ve read your past blogs and I can see a lot of growth and healing since then. This is such a wonderful yet terrible feeling. I feel safe it being with someone who will not take advantage of me. That is comforting.

Jinx’d,

I know what you mean about the crushes. I have been married for 7 years and I’ve had my share of crushes and one affair. I cant stand myself sometimes for being this way. But I also know that crushes and affairs dont just happen out of the blue. They are results of something wrong in your marriage. You might want to dig deeper into your marriage and see what is making it feel so dead romantically. You might even want to talk to your husband about it. Maybe see marriage counceling.

I saw marriage counceling with my husband, but for my case, it didn’t seem to help. But we are trying to read books that help our marriage together. He knows that I am not inlove with him and this has caused him to try to romantacise me again, which i appreciate, but I have a lot of pain from a lot of abuse he caused me in the begining our our marriage, and now being inlove with my T is not helping any.

However, I dont think divorce is the answer to your problem. It is dodging the real issue and will only happen to you again if you remarry. Especially if you have a wonderful husband, you dont want to throw that away. Being inlove isnt everything. I think if you work through your crush with your T and why you are feeling that way to begin with, maybe your T can help you transfer that to your hubby.

I read a great book called “Every woman’s battle” by Shannon Ethridge. Look it up on Amazon. It is about women who struggle with emotional affairs. I think it will give you a lot of insight. It helped me out a lot. actually, I think I’m going to read it again–I sure need to.

Bonnie,
Thanks, going to look that book up… sounds like it would be a very good fit.

I can’t imagine going into therpay with hubs. I can’t imagine ever telling about the crushes/affairs I’ve had over the years. It would kill him and I couldn’t do that.

I really do feel like a horrible person these days. Been thinking about my “new” crush, and all the past things and just want to jump off a cliff. As much as I think about my T., all I want to do is talk with him. There hasn’t been much of a sexual aspect so far, but my mind is occupied with him 24/7.

I have a session comming up in a few days and I’m trying to figure out what to talk about. Him or my other depression and more serious issues. Oh, I still have a fear that he will think my crush is too serious and dump me as a client.

Bonnie,
Thx for that suggestion, the book sounds like a good fit for me. As far as doing therapy with the hubs, I’m not sure. I feel like I have so many issues with me that should be dealt with first. I know it’s the chickensh** answer, but that’s all I have.

My appointment coming up next week is starting to make me anxious. I really have other issues to talk about, but I can’t stop thinking about him. I know I’m whipping myself into a frenzy, but the more I try to stop thinking about him, the more I can’t stop.

Damn, I’m such a mess!

Jinx’d,

I know what you mean. My appointment is next week and I am counting the days. I just want to go to sleep every night anxious to end the day so it can be closer to the day I see him. It feels quit pathetic. One thing that has helped me is that I have started going to the gym 3 times a week. It feels excilerating and I am losing weight, which makes me feel good about myself, and gets the happy hormones going.

Maybe you can start a hobby. Of course I think about him while I exercise too, but at least it’s not as bad as when I’m listening to the sad songs. Also, keeping a diary sometimes helps.

I know what you are going through. It is real hard. Dont feel so bad about it. It is normal and it does not make you a bad person at all. Try not to feel guilty. Embrace it. It is a painful yet insightful journey. There is light at the other end of the tunnel. That’s my hope anyway.

Bonnie,
Is there anyway to contact you on the board?

Hi Jinx’d,

I’m not sure what you mean by contact me on the board? What is the board?

Are you on the psych central boards?

Jinx’d

I’m not sure what the psych central boards are. But no, I’m just a commoner here going through the same stuff you are going through.

Jinx’d,

Haven’t heard from you in a while. How is everything going? Have you seen your therapist lately? I saw mine today. It was a struggle not to jump up and kiss him.

Hi Everyone

I have been feeling terrible for days about my obsession with my psychiatrist. I have been seeing him for 3 yrs and I am now having sexual fantasies about him. I feel so guilty about this. He’s an amazing man and Im pretty certain he doesn’t feel anything for me outside professional care etc but I am still so drawn to him. I haven’t fancied anyone in years and now I seem to be obsessed by him. I suffer from BPD and Im sure this is transference but it feels so real. He understands me so well I am totally infatuated. Before reading your postings I thought it best to keep very quiet about it as I thought the minute he supected I would get transferred to another psychiatrist but actualy it sounds like writing a letter is a good option and that a good pysch (which he is ) would help me over this issue as well. I am so scared.
What should I do? Its getting really bad because I am googling him and becasue he’s well known there are photos and also podcasts that I keep listening to. This has really escalated in the last week. There is alot of stuff going on in my life recently and in trying to cope I have developed this additional infatuation. Please help

Hi All,

Sent him a card this past weekend..don’t ask me why I did this…very impulsive moment..nothing to crazy though..just a quick hello to tell him I was well and thinking of him..I feel somewhat foolish, but okay just the same..I’m sure he will accept it with grace…stay well everyone..good luck on your journeys..DEE

I saw him a few days ago and I found myself being angry with him. I could hardly look at him and I just don’t know why? At the end of the session I felt bummed that it was over.

Today I went to see my shrink (same office) today and out he walked for another client. He saw me, kinda waved, but I just looked the other way. Now I’m feeling jealous of other clients? I’m totally mindfu**ed!

Scamblendx,

I am sorry that you are going through this. Welcome to the club. I think it is a good idea that you are going to write him a letter if talking to him is too difficult. When I told my “T” he was very understanding and caring, but now seems to dodge the issue. Make sure you get things worked out and dont let it linger over you and him for too long without adressing it in full.

You might want to stop googling him. I know that will just add to the infatuation. It added to mine when I looked him up on facebook and sat around thinking of him. I now try to go to the gym and keep myself busy. I dont feel as desperate anymore, but there is still a good amount of time where I just want to yell his name out and pull my hair off out of frustrations. I understand the fantasy. I do that ALL the time. It kills me though, because it reminds me of how much I am missing. Anyway, keep us posted on how it goes.

Dee,

I think it is awsome that you wrote him a card. I think that is thoughtful and he probally appreciated it. I wouldn’t think that is foolish in the least.

Hey Jinxd,

Sounds like you are having the same issue as me. I find myself frustrated and angry at my therapist lately too. I’m not sure why. I guess part of me is trying to push him away. I want to see him all the time, yet I want him to get fed up and transfer me. Though I know that’s not what I really want. I am just really frustrated with myself.

Bonnie,
I see him again on Tuesday, but very worried about what to say. At our last session, I discussed my marriage problems, and how I often want a divorce. He didn’t get a chance to say anything because our time was up. I don’t know if I want to talk about that again. My life is so flipping messed up right now, I’m not sure what problem to tackle first.

I can’t stop thinking of him, can’t stop googling him. I know I should stop, but I can’t. Every time I see his picture I just think about how super sexy he is! Then I google his wife and I think… “oh, she is really not that pretty”, and hate her. I don’t know why I’m so damn obsessed with him and her. It creeps me out that I’m like this.

I hope I don’t walk into our session with an attitude or he might see through me. Whenever we walk back to his office, he follows me, and I hate that. I keep wondering if he thinks I’m fat or if he’s looking at me strangely. Tuesday I’m going to ask him to lead the way. Do you ever feel that nervousness around your T? I can’t even look into his beautiful eyes and talk anymore. He is so good to look at and yet I’m frightened to do so.

I’m a nut case eh?

This morning I decided to cancel my appointment. Last night I spent most of the evening trying to figure out what I should wear, how to fix my hair, etc. When I woke, I realized that was bad. Instead of fixing my issues, I’m fixated on my T and what he thinks of me. Maybe I’ll find someone new or just stop therapy.

I’m a male client who fell in love with my female LCSW…..she was the first person who gave me unconditional positive regard and a warm, safe environment. Falling in love with her was not something I planned, and it was not healthy(I found that out when she took a job on the west coast and relocated-I was crushed and took it personally(I figured if I had worked harder in therapy she would have stayed.)yeah,right). I also found out that I don’t have to feel guilty for falling for her.

Jinx’d,

Yes, you are obsessed, but no different than me or many of us on this blog who have experienced the same feelings. I was where you are right now about 1 year ago. It’s hard when you are going through it because you try so hard to fight the feelings, to tell yourself that you are a sane reasonable person and then ask: Why am I doing this then? The only explanation or answer I can give you is to just let things run their course with yourself and don’t be so hard on yourself along the way. Eventually, you will get to a place and time where it will just end for you. Where things won’t be so intense for you. Seriously, it will. You will just know it when it happens and believe me it will happen. I didn’t believe people when they told me this either, but one day, it just stopped. Don’t get me wrong, I still think about him from time to time, (actually alot) but I don’t feel the same urgency as before. It’s been replaced by this fondness when I think of him. A really fond memory that has its place..I know it’s hard, but hang in there..you will get there to. Take Care DEE

Hi Jinx’d,

I know it’s hard. It is getting pretty hard for me too. I spend way too much time fixing myself before my appt. I usually feel real nervous before our sessions, but I relax when I’m in his office with him. But that’s mostly because my “T” has a real good sense of humor and I use humor as a coping mechanism. My biggest struggle is that I have to literally fight myself not to get up and kiss him. I know it’s ridiculous, but part of me wants to really try to seduce him, but I am too afraid of rejection. I cant stand this feeling and I leave feeling so foolish for thinking this way. I have actually decided that I can no longer see him once a week. I called and left a measage that I can only see him every other week. I guess I need to wien myself from him. I think that maybe if you are suffering this much too, you should try the same. I know it is scary. It is very scary for me. But I just cant take this feeling anymore. I’m either going to seduce him and make an ass out of myself by getting rejected, or i’m going to succeed and ruin therapy—neither of what I want to do. I know I am reliving my past as you are probally reliving yours.

Dee,

Thanx for your encouragement. It is hopeful.

Sidious777,

Thank you for sharing. I think it is a blessing in disguise that your “T” relocated. Trust me, you don’t want the added stress in your life.

Wish someone would relocate my therapist I have been following your chatter for a while and wondering if you are questioning your “T” state of mind. They are all human after all. As irrational your behavior may seems to you, nothing happens without a reason. Just like you, I want to rip my clothes off and run around naked in his office, screaming my endless “I love yous”. Back to my question - do you wonder or question if your treating “T” is actually psychologically ok enough to treat you, because I know for a fact - my is not.

Poo,

Lol. Can you explain why you think your “T” is not psychologically ok to treat you? I’m not sure if my “T” is, but he is definately not your mainstream therapist. He is very different in his approach to things, and I sometimes wonder if he is sticking to the rules of therapy. He hasn’t done anything very inappropriate, but he is very liberal with his talking to me. I dont know if that makes any sense.

Hello everyone,

I am feeling real discouraged today. I dont see how loving my “T” is really a necessary part of therapy. That’s what he told me anyway. How is feeling depressed that I can’t have him be necessary. If anything, it is making my marriage more distressed. I cant stand being touched by my husband. I can hardly stand looking at him. I just want him to leave me alone. I just want my therapist. I’m obsessed with just having at least one night of passion with him. I dont understand why I’m being so freakin’ crazy. Everything I do is forced. I even have to force myself sometimes to play with my kids.

I dont know if I should see him anymore. Is this really going to bring about healing in anyway? Anyone?

Bonnie,
I feel exactly the same as you. I’ve been so depressed and not wanting to be bothered by anyone, especially hubby. I see my T on Thursday and I’m not going to cancel. Maybe I should bring up my feelings again? I only discussed it once with him, but that is because I was afraid he would drop me. I don’t know how to continue on in therapy if I can’t get past how much I love looking and talking to him. I just want to ask him personal questions and thats it. I feel like those questions and talk will “fix” me. I know it won’t, but I keep thinking it will.

good luck dear

Hi Jinx’d,

You should definately bring your feelings up again. I have not been as direct with my “T” since the last time I saw him. I have brought it up indirectly since then, but he doesn’t seem to get the clue that I need to talk about it more.

I saw him last Wed. and I felt so horrible after wards so I had to call him and tell him I can only see him every other week because it is too hard for me to see him every week because my feelings for him are so strong. I then really wanted to talk to him about it so I left a measage on his vm on Thursday telling him to please call me so it is not lingering over my head. He has still not called me back and I am so pissed at him for it.

How uncaring is that!? He knows I’m suffering and he is still letting me suffer w/o a phone call. I dont know if I should keep my appt Wed. or if I should just not show up.

I just want my life back again. I want to play with my kids and help them with their school work. I want to be happy. It is as if a wrench has been thrown into my “wheel” and I am at a stand still trying hard to move and unable to. Part of me wants to not see him anymore, but there is too much going on in my life right now to just switch therapists. I don’t have time to bullshit with a new “T” for another year before I can trust him/her. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I’m so glad for this website. I dont know where else I could vent like this.

Bonnie,
I would be very upset with him. He is supposed to care and that means a phone call back!

Now I feel angry at mine for not asking me how I was feeling about him. I wonder if he just doesn’t give a crap? Just another client, just another co pay, just another day.

Damn, I feel so depressed and down now just thinking about him.

I have a question for all. Does your therapist talk or ask questions or just listen to you?

My therapist just gives me a long piercing stare, so long that I figured at some point: ” what is he looking at? He’s gotta be in love with me, or somthing…”. He does not call back or talk to me much lately. He just slowly raises his eye lids and drills holes in my head with his eyes alone. At some point I’ve decided to stare back, because I actually enjoyed that stare. That’s when it happened - a huge explosion in my amygdala. The other big “T”. The transference. My hormones went wild - oxcytocin, dopamine, adrenaline.

I wonder if you, guys, listen to your self sometimes. Internet can be cheaper and faster then any therapy. Do you really think therapist can deliver a “fix”?
I do not want to disclose too much info for protection of my “T”. My former “T” now. I have good reasons to suspect he’s going through a very messy divorce. His own “T” did not “fix” him much, I suppose.

I am concerned for all of you. Have I been correct in what I’ve been reading that you’ve expressed your feelings to your therapists and the Ts have not wanted to discuss it any further? These feelings need to be explored and understood. Bonnie, you say it has negatively impacted your marriage? The first thing to accept in this, no matter how painful it may be, is that you can’t ever have a sexual relationship with your therapist. But the feelings and the motivations behind the feelings have much to say about you and what you need/want in a relationship, what’s been missing…The best way through this is to discuss it further, understand it. If your therapist isn’t willing to discuss this with you, I would be very concerned about you continuing therapy with him.

Hey Jinx’d,

I am definately going to bring it up. I have an appointment tomorrow, which I was supposed to not keep, and now I feel impelled to keep so I can tell him how angry and hurt I am at him. I told him 2 weeks ago that I thought he hated me and that I thought he was being rude to me. And that I am just another client to him. He was very upset at me for saying this, and told me that I am reading into things because of how I feel about him. That nothing has changed and that I am trying to sabbatoge therapy because I am afraid. (OUCH.) That if I bring that up again, he will transfer me. :O

I hope that was a bluff. I guess I want to bring up how frustrated I am because he didn’t call me when he knew I was in such a bad state of mind. I suggest you talk to your “T” also about your anger towards him.

As for your question, my “T” talks for most of the session. He kind of monopolizes the session. He likes to teach me. He is like a self help book. I like learning and hearing him talk. I wish I could express myself more, but he tells me to be quiet and listen. Is that kinda wierd or what?

Hello Poo,

I know for me therapy is helping. If it wasn’t for my darn feelings, I would be doing great, or better. I have grown so much from him, but am now at a stand still. I wouldn’t worry about protecting your “T” in this website. Everything is totally confidential and we are all using fake names. Do you suspect your “T” is inlove with you?

Beth,

Thanx for your comments. I’m not sure if I am reading into things or if it is actually true that my “T” does not want to discuss my feelings with me. I guess in a way I feel afraid that I will come out looking desperate and pathetic and obsessed, which I am all those things, but I dont really want him to see that side of me. I know that is stupid because that is why he is there for. I guess I have to stop seeing him as a potential liason and a friend and start seeing him as a therapist again. I’ll see what happens when I bring it up to him again.

I know you are right about the whole affair with “T” thing. I know nothing good can come from it. Sometimes I just want to try and have him reject me, just so I can get it out of my system. I don’t have the gutts for it anyway. As embarrasing as this may be, I know I need to discuss this with him.

Hi Everyone,

Wow, things have been so intense for everyone lately. Jinx’d and Bonnie: I so understand what you are going through. There was a point in my life where I was so overwhelmed with my feelings for my former “T” where I couldn’t focus on even getting myself dressed in the morning let alone give my kids and husband some attention. It’s awful when you feel like that because it makes the situation seem so much more out of control and you feel so helpless. Not to mention the energy is sucks out of you. There were days where I was so drained by the drama of it all..seriously, days where I could not put a morsal of food into my mouth..just so exhausted of it all.. this was the peak of it for me, and it was at this point that I new things had to change. I wanted things between my old “T” and I to happen so badly, yet I could not stand one more minute of what it was doing to me. There is no easy answer to this, not at all. Each one of you has to decide when enough is enough and like I said before, you will know it when you get there. I feel for all of you and hope you find some peace and resolution soon. DEE

Hi everyone, I was away overseas for a while. Hope everyone is well…. I have missed out on so much.Sometimes I feel we are forgetting why we ended up in therapy in the first place, and where it has lead us. A place that is so incredibly intense and brings out more than we thought. As it takes us by surprise, we fall into these feelings of care, lust (my case!!), “love”, infatuation etc. Most Therapists I believe are in the profession because they care, I have seen it for years. A care like that may be misinterpreted, believe me it can be harder if your T is a collegue, friend etc. We really love teasing each other, I am not sure where this will lead. keep well xxxxx K

HI…back to skillsnotpills…Good one, don’t you know we are certainly aware of legislation etc, Surely you are of the understanding these things occur between pt & T. Please provide some constructive advice. “skillsnotpills” has no place in certain circumstances. K certified Psychiatrist MD. ( I have some letters also )

Hello everyone,

I’m glad to hear from you Dee, and welcome back Kriitene. I heard back from my “T” this morning before my appt. He appologized for not calling back and said he had missed several days from work. He was very sincere. I told him how I really need to deal more with the transference issue. He agreed. We had a great session. I am so glad I talked to him about it. I have a wonderful therapist. I feel more at peace. For now anyway.

Bonnie,

That is so great! He wasn’t ignoring you afterall. See the things we create in our minds when we feel insecure? Tell us, how did the session go? What was said? I would be very interested to hear his side of things. Do share..glad you are feeling better..DEE

I saw my T yesterday and I didn’t know what to say. I’ve been very depressed and can’t seem to organize my thoughts. When I went in, I told him this and said “you’re going to have to help me today”. Part of this was to see if he would talk or ask questions. He is very silent during our sessions and I wanted to know if he was even paying attention to what I said.

He’s going on vacation for a MONTH! I was and still am upset by this. I know he has a life, but what about his clients? I feel abandoned and angry and really hate him right now. I feel that maybe it’s just time to give up. It’s always going to be the same recylced shit with me and maybe no therapist can ever help.

Jinx’d,

What is it that you were trying to say? You must have talked about something? Perhaps you are upset that he didn’t give you the response you were looking for or that you expected him to know what you were wanting to talk about without actually saying it. Is this the case? Definitley it is hard to express one’s feelings for someone but on the other hand we can’t expect them to read our minds either. Also, you are being a little hard on yourself don’t you think? Therapy is a huge emotional investment and there are times when things just take alot of time to process..you made the first step by seeking out help in the first place, take your time..no two sessions will ever be the same and maybe the next time you will be pleasently surprised. Jinx’d, be kinder to yourself. And yes, therapist’s do have a life outside of their practice..they are only human afterall and from what I understand, they need vacations also. I hope tommorow is a better day for you. DEE

Dee,

You are right. In my mind, I was sure looking way too much into it. I wish his stupid secretary would have told me he wasn’t in. He was so sweet, he even told me that if I was too uncomfortable to come in, that he would be ok with having our session over the phone. Of course I had to come in. He said he felt it was his fault that I felt this way because he should have known he should have adressed it more. He told me I analyze things too much and should stop doing that. He also said that I should stop seeing him as all my other past relationships with the men in my life and see him as someone who is there to build me up, and not to ever be uncomfortable. That nothing makes him uncomfortable because he has been in therapy for so long. He said he is willing to talk about it as often as I need to. He was so caring and sincere. I felt very comfortable. We didn’t talk about it as much as I would have liked to because he tends to take one thing I say and go with it, so I didn’t get to talk about some important things I really need to bring up. But now I know I have plenty of time to do that, since he is open about me talking about it whenever I need to.

Kriitine, you are so right about therapists going into the profession because they care about people. He is so caring. It is hard when you’ve never had the men in your life care about you so sincerely and then here is someone who meets your needs so perfectly. It makes leaves you wanting more.

Jinx’d,

Dee is right. look at what happened to me. I was thinking that my “T” didn’t want to talk to me and all along it was a misunderstanding. I’ve been reading this really good book. It is written by the inventor of cognitive therapy. He talks about how people with depression have a lot of negative thinking. We can make depression worse by the negative things we put in our minds. Like assuming what others are thinking of us. I know it is real hard to talk to your “T” escpecially if he is silent a lot. It makes you almost try to guess what he is thinking. Maybe you could try asking him more direct questions, like, “what do you think about what I just said?” When is he going on vacation? I think a month is a very long time and he should give his clients at least a month notice to mentally prepare themselves. Maybe this will be a blessing in disguise for you. Do you have at least one more session before his vacation? If so, really go out on a limb and be clear with how you express your emotions for him.

Hang in there dear.

Hi Dee,

Thanx for asking about how the session went. He was real disappointed in himself because he felt he failed to adress the issue more. He told me that I should not be uncomfortable with what I tell him because that is why he is there for. That he has been doing this for many years and nothing I say can make him uncomfortable. He said I need to stop seeing him as my other male relationships because he is there to build me up, unlike my other male relationships in my past. He told me I can talk to him about this issue whenever I need to. I didn’t get to say as much as I would have liked to because he was talking alot, but it’s ok because I know I can bring it up again anytime I need to. I felt real at peace when I left.

Kriitine, you are right when you say that therapists get into this profession because they care about people. It makes it real hard for us who might not have been cared for like this before.

Bonnie,

I am so glad that things are going better for you. He sounds like a wonderful therapist and that is so important. I hope now that you are able to move forward and get to the core of things with him. You have done a fine job Bonnie..sometimes we are harder on ourselves than need be..wishing you the best. DEE

My friend and I have started a website: http://www.inlovewithyourtherapist.com……I‘ve been in love with my therapist for 5 years….my friend for a little less longer. We are burning up the phone lines in discussing this issue. The therapy community is relatively blind in this area, and usually say this situation is quite uncommon. My friend and I beg to differ. We are intending on writing a book (anonamously, of course) for anyone who wants to share their stories. Any questions, feel free to contact me: wacalice@aol.com

Bonnie,
He’s leaving in two weeks and he did give a month notice, but I missed our last appointment.

I’m so obsessed and feeling very embarrassed about it. I’m going to say some stuff that might make me look like a nutball. Since his wife is a therapist, I was thinking I would go see her and see what she is like in person. They work at different facilities… I know crazy. Then I started thinking, I’ll go to the same church as them and “accidentally” bump into them. I can’t believe how I’m feeling right now. I thought my “crush” was sort of going away, but apparently not.

I told him I need to see him before he leaves even though he’s completely booked. He said he would find room for me. I feel angry though, angry that he’s leaving me. I hate his wife, I hate his other clients, and most of all I hate myself.

I am going to ask him what his thoughts are when I talk about things. I want him to be more interactive and help me along, otherwise I just ramble on.

Oh ladies, how have we become like this? It almost hurts when I look at his picture and I hate that.

Take care

Jinx’d,

Wow. Sounds like you are really losing control. I mean that with all respect. I know how you feel. It is a crazy feeling. You said you are going to go to the same church as him. Do you attend church? If so, are you of the same denomination as him? I wouldn’t go try to see his wife if I were you. It might somehow show when they do paper work and he might find out. Though it might not be a bad thing to see another therapist (female) while you are seeing your current one, so you can talk about it more, especially since you feel embarrassed about talking to him about certain things. I was thinking of doing the same thing.

I think you feel angry at him because he doesn’t seem to be giving you what you need. He really should be more insightful and interactive instead of letting you “ramble” on. That would drive me crazy.

I really hope he can fit you in his schedual before he leaves. Start looking for a temperary therapist to talk during that month while he is gone. Maybe it will be good for you to be away from him for a bit.

I have lost control. I feel like I’m at the bottom of a black pit and there is no way out. My husband tried to hug me and I pushed him away and yelled at him.

I don’t attend church anymore, but I know he is still active in the Catholic church. It’s amazing what you can find out through google. After I do these “searches” I feel so crazy and hate myself more and more.

Right now the depression is so bad. I’m just feeling tired of the struggle. Every day is a struggle and I quit. I don’t have any fight left in me, so I surrender.

I appreciate everyone’s kind and loving words here, especially your Bonnie. It is comforting to know that others share similar stories.

Good luck to all

You are in love, silly. Love is a such a green snake.
I know… awfull. It’s absolutely artificial situation.
Seeing a therapist of an opposite gender should be prohibited by law - Poo think.

Jinx’d,

I’m so glad I can be helpful. I am so glad for this website also. I dont know how I could handle all this otherwise. Surrender is good. I think for any sort of adiction or obsession, realizing you can’t “control” the situation anymore is important. It seems like you are a person who believes in a higher power. That’s good. I cry out to God for help all the time. I have been praying more often and going to church. Maybe going to church wont be such a bad idea, but I wouldn’t try to go to the same church as him. My “T” happens to go to the same church as me sometimes too. It is a little nerve wrecking trying to figure out if he’s there that week or not, or if I will bump into him. I absolutely dont want to bump into him and his wife together.

Some therapists have certain rules about how they act if they bump into a client outside session, and you wouldn’t want him to ignore you. You might feel worse. I had a therapist act like he didn’t know me once. My current “T” isn’t like that, but I know some are. Just be careful. I wouldn’t want to hear that another situation is created by you seeing him at church and he walks the other way.

I know what you mean about being touched by your hubbs. I cringe anytime my husband tries to hug or kiss me. I cant stand it, but I bite my lip and do it anyway. Sometimes love is an action more then a feeling. I know I cant take it out on him that I dont love him anymore. He is still my husband after all and I think it would be worse to lose a husband and then really be lonely. I just tell mine that I am going through a faze right now and to please bare with me. I tell him I am going through some confusing emotions and am dealing with it in therapy and not to worry, that it will pass. And I pray that it will.

Take courage,

Bonnie

Poo,

lol. Yes, but there are situations when some fall inlove with their therapist of the same gender. Transference is a funny thing.

Allison,

I think it is an awsome thing what you are doing. I would love to read it when you are done with it. There really needs to be a book out there about the experiences of others.

Poo,

By the way, how’s the whole “T” staring at you going? Anything coming of that?

Hi Everyone,

Just thinking of you all and hoping this will pass quickly..I am finally in a good place and I am so DAMN happy to be here..Whew..the worst is over!! I am so calm about things now..I so know how Jinx’d feels as that was me not long ago..as Bonnie said, surrender is good…this was the first step for me..perhaps you are on your way? I hope so. DEE

My stupid T hasn’t returned my e-mail message and I know he checked it on Friday at 3:30pm. I don’t care if he’s busy or not, what about me?

Today I was going to group therapy. I arrived early and laughed to myself and thought “wouldn’t it be funny if I saw him”. Not but 2 minutes later he walked out and to his car. What sucks is I know what kind of car he has and me and that kind of information is not good. I was thinking about sticking a love note on his car. I’m so dumb!

O yes, Bonnie! It is coming alone nicely. Instead of whining day and night about how difficult life is, I’m caring his imaginary babies… There is no love in therapist office, dear Bonnie:). My therapist is counter-transferring, of course. Or was it me, who was counter- transferring his transference? Sometimes I feel like checking out for any missing antennas, which of course are sticking out of my head, and clearing my robotic throat. I think my T is very confused about what he’s feeling. He must have went through enough therapeutic books and sign enough papers, where he can not distinguish his reality from theory. During one of our mutual staring sessions, which were extremely arousing for me, I exploded : ” What is it?! “. My T suddenly lowers his voice and whispers: “It is me, Poo. It’s not John ( let’s call him John ) the therapist “. I was actually questioning what was happening to me ( our eyes completely locked ) and not his actions. I could not pull my eyes off his, as much as I tried and we just ended up staring at each other for over a minute. Completely inappropriate, but there is nothing I could do. I also think this stuff somewhat is out of our control and is happening subconsciously . I’m generally not the type who’s frightened of my own shadow, but I am absolutely paralyzed once I am seated on that sofa. My friends are asking: ” Did you ask him what he meant by that? “. Of course no! I’m too amused to talk back… John - the forbidden fruit. Poo - also.
To answer your other question, Bonnie - have you ever heard of such a thing as bisexuality? People are just scared sh-less of this word and can’t admit to them self who they are. This is my point of view on a subject and I am sticking by it.

Hi… Transference does not just apply to a “T” and their patient. Many relationships begin in a transference like way, eg work place relationships, relationships where the balance of power is varied and a school Principal and a parent. These are just a few egs…. therefore we are not the only ones in the “Tranference Club”!!! lol K

Poo,

Wow. Sounds like something wierd is definately going on. I would be very careful if I were you. You really should try being more direct with him and tell him what you think is going on. I know it is probally enjoyable having those feelings being transfered to you, but it can end real painful if you dont adress it. Trust me, I would love nothing more then to have an affair with my “T”, but that’s my heart talking not my head. That’s why we’re in these websites, because we can be more focused and realistic with someone else.

By the way, does he talk to you about his private life? Mine does quit often. I know that he has problems in his marriage and I even know how often he has sex(which isn’t very often)with his wife. Does anyone think that is a bit wierd?

Jinx’d,

I know it’s hard when they dont get back to you right away. We want to believe that we are the only client. I can’t stand even imagining mine liking another client more then me. I like to pretend I’m his favorite.

I dont think you should leave him a love note in his car, that might be considered stalking and if he finds out it’s you he might want to talk to you about it. But you could always right him a love note and give it to him at the end of your session and tell him not to read it until you’re gone. I think that way you might not be so embarrased.

I hope he calls you back soon. I’d hate waiting too.

Bonnie,
Yes he got back with me this morning and I have an appointment tomorrow. I still feel angry though. It does appear that I’m acting like a stalker, doesn’t it? I won’t leave a note or give him one. I want to stop wanting him and start treating my illness.

Bonnie,

Seriously? He talks to you about his sex life with his wife?! Honestly, that is not a good thing. Under what context does it come up? I have never heard of such a thing and I am curious to know why and how he talks about it. My ex “T” briefly told me once that he is a single father raising 3 children on his own. It came up because I told him that I had just hired a new nanny who was wonderful with my kids and he asked me how I found her. It went from there, but not once did he describe how or why he became a single Dad, his ex-wife or anything else personal of that nature. I gave him the number of the nanny service that helped me and that was the end of it. He never even told me if he found anyone and I never asked. I could not imagine what I would’ve done had he talked about his sex life..once I asked him if his children had a relationship with their Mother (his ex) and all he said was “it’s complicated” and that was the end of that. Nothing more was said. I know next to nothing about his personal life which is a good thing..I can’t imagine Bonnie..that does seem weird to me, but I dunno, what is the norm anyway?

Hi Dee,

Maybe it just came out. I had mentioned to him that my friend only had sex with her husband once a month (I dont remember why that came up)and he said, “Once a month? I’m lucky if I get it once every 2 months.” I was thinking, hmmm, I can help you with that problem. I know a lot about his personal life which I enjoy. He is an open book. I dont know if he is like that with all his other clients or just with me. I like to imagine it’s just me. That is actually what helped me open up to him. Trust awakens trust. I like that he is a real person with real problems and feelings. If he was reserved, I dont think I would have ever been able to open up.

I’m head over heals. I want him so bad!

Jinx’d,

I am so glad he got back to you. It’s probally good you decided not to give him the note on the car. I still think you should talk to him about your feelings more or write him a note. Really consider it.

Let us know how your appointment goes.

Bonnie,
The appointment went amazingly well. Today was the first day that I felt completely comfortable with him… evem able to look in his eyes.

I did not discuss my crush this time, but when he gets back from his holiday, I will. I did tell him that I was angry with him for leaving for a whole month.

I dressed up really pretty & wore makeup, hoping he would say I looked nice, but nothing. I don’t know what the f I’m doing fantasizing about a man I can never have? Someone shake me and wake me up!

Jinx’d,

That is awsome that you were able to look at him and tell him how you felt. That must have took a lot for you to say. What did he say about it?

Jinx’d,

P.S. I sometimes wonder if being able to have your therapist would make you feel better. I think that might add more pain later on. I read in the internet, that clients who have an affair with thier “T” end up more depressed and some even attempt suicide. I don’t think anything good can come from it.

Bonnie,
He was very understanding about it. He said that people were telling him the same thing. But it felt so good to be honest and it was the best session ever. I know the dressing up part was that other person living inside me that wants to seduce him. I’m losing weight and just trying to look pretty.

I know that is completely stupid. I know he will never stray or anything because he doesn’t want to lose his license. Plus he told me he’s 200 percent married. He told me this when I originally told him I had a crush on him.

If something ever did happen, you’re right that would be detrimental to me. I get so emotionally wrapped up in someone and when I get rejected, it’s so hard and I go into a deep depression.

“Jinx’d wake the hell up and stop what you’re doing.” I have to keep saying this over and over!

Bonnie, you should join the psych central message board. It’s great and has lots of subjects to look at. Plus Dr. John (the guy that wrote this article) comes on every few days to answer questions. It’s really cool. If you join, let me know and we can be pals.

Oh, I want to hug him so bad and thank him for a great session and helping me break though. Is that not acceptable? No touching of any kind?

Jinx’d,

I do the same thing. I lost 20 lbs. I’ve been exercising 6 days a week and counting my calories. I feel great. Just the process of taking care of myself is helping me feel better. I hugged my “T” twice. He was ok with it. I dont think a hug is wrong. I just asked first after session was over. But it sure is hard to let go once I am holding him.

Ok, so how do I join the central measage board? That sounds really cool.

Ok, guys. I don’t want to end up under attack from all of you, because your “support group” actually somewhat helped me in sorting my own situation and see what “went wrong” in my case, because I can compare what is going on during your sessions. But. Your “Transference club” sound to me more like an “Unhappily Married club”. Bonnie, don’t you think your head and your heart should be in one place to begin with?

Bonnie,
So when he gets back, should I ask him if I can hug him? God what if he say’s no, then I’ll be devastated! Oh jeez, I need to stop thinking about it so much.

Just go to the community, and get a username and you’re set to go. We’ll have to let each other know when we’re on so we can talk, etc.

Poo, maybe you’re right about the marriage thing, but I’m depressed now, so it might be the depression making things worse. I am working on my marriage with my “T”, but now I have to get my husband to try to work with me.

Last night was awful! I told him I needed him to be more part of my life and give me some attention. He agreed, but said no to marriage therapy. So now, everything is in his hands. Who knows, maybe he doesn’t want to be with me either?

Everything in his hands? Your husband hands? Everything is in your husband hands? Are you kidding me? No one should have that kind of power over anyone. Ever. Don’t you think it is your marriage making you depressed?

Poo,

You are absolutely correct. I am very unhappily married indeed. My hubbs used to be real abusive for the first 6 years of our marriage. We’ve been married for 7. We originally went to my “T” (which is also his and was his originally)for marriage counceling, but it wasn’t working out for me so I decided to see him seperately. My husband see’s him seperately too. It’s complicated, but my husband is bipolar and I dont know if he CAN change. He is trying and he is good to the kids so I stay with him for the kids, but I’m emotionally signed out.

I know nothing justifies my crush, but I guess I’m screwed up and I guess that’s why I’m in therapy.

Thanks for your bluntness. I like that.

Jinx’d,

What I did is ask him at the end of the session when we were both getting up and he was looking the other way, that way if he said no, I wouldn’t get so embarrassed.

Ok, talk to me like I’m 4. I still dont understand how this board thing works. I go to the community and ask for a password? will they know what I’m talking about?

That’s good you asked your husband for marriage counceling. He’s a fool to say no because you are obviously crying out for help. Will he be willing to read a marriage self help book?

Ok, Jinx’d and all who are reading, I’m a bit confused about my last session. My “T” spend half our session telling me how he is now a bachlor because his wife left him. When our session was over. I said, “I’m going to give you a hug”, and he said, “Ok”. I told him if he gets lonely to call me, and that he has me to lean on. He said “uhum”. I wasn’t sure if he was paying attention so as I was walking out the door I said, “you heard what I said, right?” and he said, “Yes”. Is something happening here? or is he blowing me off or ignoring me? I can’t stop thinking about what this might mean. I want him soooo bad.

Ok, Bonnie, then real question is not your crush on your therapist or your husband bahaviour, but wether YOU can deal with your husband possibly not being able to “change”. Period. It’s not about your husband or your therapist. It’s about what makes YOU miserable and if you’re willing to continue with YOUR misery. I come from a divorced parents and I strongly believe that sometimes divorce is the best option for all involved. Kids included. Unhappy marriages give a wrong ideas to young children about what is OK and what is not in a marriage, affecting them later in life and their own relationships with future husbands and wifes.

Poo,

I know that is true for couples who fight infront of thier kids. We try not to argue infront of the kids. Actually I play the happy house wife real well. I came from a divorced family too, and it killed me. I am all screwed up with men because I didn’t have my father there. I know sometimes it is a sacrifice to stay in a passionless marriage for the kids. Besides I do like my husband as a companion. I know it sounds nutty.

By the way, how safe is this website. I feel sometimes like I say too much. Maybe I should be more careful about what I say. Sometimes I’m afraid what I say will get tracked down.

I do not think it’s healthy for kids when parents don’t act loving towards each other. I am not talking about fighting in front of kids or any kind of abuse. I’ll get back to my listening mode for now. I am not a therapist, Bonnie.

Poo,

Married or not, I’m on this site because I’m having transference issues, not because I am having marital issues. I need support from those who are going through the same.

My kids are perfectly happy. Just because I am not inlove with my husband does not mean I am not loving towards him.

Hello Everyone,

Alot has happened I see these last few days..glad everyone is supporting one another. Bonnie, I see from your explination what you mean now. It just came up as part of the conversation but it`s still inappropriate though..don`t you think..anyway, I don`t have much to add..still in my happy place..best to all…DEE

Bonnie,
Go sign up at the community, you have to register first, they will send you a link, once you click on it, you can start setting up your profile, etc.

I’m a bit jealous at you and you “T”. Mine never mentions one thing about his life. I do think that your “T” is on a slipperly slope though. He should not be talking about his status to you. Think, what if he does call you? Are you ready for that step?

What if my “T” says no to my hug offer? I think I will be devastated! Oh well, I shall see how I feel in a month when he gets back.

Poo - it’s in his hands because I can’t do it alone. He doesn’t seem to want to try. He’s happy with it the way it is, but it isn’t a healthy relationship. I keep on trying to communicate and reconnect with him, but he’s not responding.

So, I’ll leave it at that.

Jinx’d,

I’ll try to sign up. I am so CONFUSED. I dont know if he is leaving the door open and waiting for me to make the move. I am so afraid to chase him away if I am too forward. I dont know if I just need to take it slow and wait for his wife to actually leave. I love him so much. Yes, I am ready for that step. I need him. The scariest thing for me is how long it will last. He talks about leaving one day, and just the thought of it kills me. I want to call him soooo bad right now, but maybe I should wait to be sure. I don’t know if I’m lucky or if it’s just all in my imagination.

Well, I think it would be messed up for your “T” to say no. It is ethically ok. Maybe if he says no, you can tell him it was not intended in a sexual way, just needed the comfort.

I wish my t had never involved me in his struggle; it would have been easier; 6 years later, I am still in love with him. Something happened between us last June that I still plan to talk to him about. He said he was “sorry he had indulged himself.” It wasn’t sex; more like foreplay. I know there are thousands of stories of people in love with their therapists. I am hoping some people here (Bonnie) will check out our site http://www.inlovewithyourtherapist.com and share your stories. I think this book will be a first, and I know the mental health community will NOT like it. I think this subject is a big secret. I am a member of the American Counseling Association, and attend the conventions, where there are over 500 presentations; not once has this subject come up. My t says he is “happily married.” I don’t get it; if I were in a loving relationship, I sure would NOT say and do the things my t has to me. Feel free to contact me: wacalice@aol.com

Hugs, Allison

Allison,

I checked out your website. I think it is awsome what you are doing. I dont think my “story” isn’t quite over yet. I kinda think it is just starting. Maybe I am crazy and it is all in my head, but I feel like something might be happening. What do you think? When I told him to call me if he gets lonely, he didn’t say no. What does that mean? It’s like a drug. You know it is wrong but you need it so bad. I love him so much I feel that even having him temporarly is better then not having him at all. I know it’s crazy. I’m a sucker for punishment.

Bonnie: You are not crazy. It sounds to me that your t (like mine) is in a struggle; they know all about the rules, ethics, regulations, and so on, but they are after all, human. I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse, and went to see my t beause my church was voting me out of membership (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com); very long story; he (t) was my knight in shining armor. The first person in my life to stand up for me. He has tortured me (he said once, “I am killing you.’), teased and tormented me. I wrote him (years ago) classy, but erotic poetry. He has said (among 100’s of provocative things): “If I were not married I would probably go for it.” “You are in my heart and in my head.”
In relation to what you said (having him temporarily, etc); I told my t: I would rather be in pain WITH you that in pain without you. My co-author and I would love it if you would share your story as part of our book. There are thousands of women like us.

You are not crazy, simply in love, which feels like “crazy-making’ I call what my t does: come her, go away….I want you, I don’t….Now THAT is crazy-making! I have kept a record of all my t has said and done over the past 6 years; it alone, is a book! Write to me: wacalice@aol.com…..Hugs, Allison

Allison,

That is terrible what your “T” is doing to you. For 6 years? That is torture.

I think that I am reading into things. He could have just been acknowleding what I said and didn’t really mean to lead me on. He is just going through a real hard time in his life and I took advantage of that. It’s just a hump in the road and I think it will pass. Just wishful thinking in my part. I’m going to be a good girl and not say anything to him. It’s too hard to deal with.

I am currently in therapy for almost a year and in love with my therapist. I have been seeking support, literature, anything to try and cope with what can be a very lonely and heartbreaking place.

A friend of mine and I are working on co-authoring a book that I think could help countless numbers of men and women feel less alone in feelings of transference or simply deep engagement and attraction.

We are looking for your stories, anonymously of course, but the stories must be real and brutally honest.

We can be reached at either lauren0722@yahoo.com or suzette0929@yahoo.com or further, through our contact form on our website at http://www.inlovewithyourtherapist.com

I want to be clear that we are not looking to blast or condemn or put down these men or women who have genuinely helped us thru some tough issues - we love them as they love us - but it is a hard place to be in when you ride the wave of extreme elation the day you know you will see them, to such sadness when your time with them is up.

Our promise is that this book is to help, to let others know they are not alone as we all have stories, even our therapists, who also struggle with feelings for their clients.

We know it takes great courage to reach out to strangers essentially and share something so deeply personal – this is exactly how my friend and I felt when we met each other but we took the chance and the support has been something that is truly priceless.

Please consider emailing us with a way to reach you in person or using our form from our website and telling us your story.

You will not find judgment from us or advice, rather an understanding set of ears from two women who have probably felt and gone thru all the things you have been thru as well.

Yes, Bonnie: It is sheer, excruciating torture. He should have done his work invisibly……we both were in Hawaii for a conventin and he saw me FIVE time and didn’t speak. One of those silly rules…the clent has the right to privacy, and the t’s aren’t supposed to acknowledge you unless you acknowledge them first. Here we both are on teh other side of the world, and he didn’t even speak,….arrrghhhh.What happened between us last June was major, and I still intend to talk to him about it. Hugs, Allison

And why is it, Allison, you “intend” to talk to him about it, rather then “just talk to him” about it? Because it is non stop push and pull?

Poo: I don’t understand your comment. I am going to talk to him about what happened between us last June. I have an exquisite sense of timing, and decided to wait; stuff was too raw….

*Comforting* to know that I am not the only one having to deal with crazy therapist.
I hope your exquisite sense of timing, Allison, means you don’t see him anymore as a client.

Well, Poo: It is amusing….some rules he follows and some not (like seeing me in Hawaii 5 times and not speaking). I am sure he would follow (silly) the rule about not having a personal relationship with a former client for at least 2 years. he doesn’t know I cannot afford him (he doesn’t take insurance).

Years ago, he said: “isn’t enough that I LOVE you?” I am sure he would say he didn’t remember the “context” that is one of his favorites…he’d probably say like he loves ALL of his clients.

I have 5 years of verbal and physical foreplay to back myself up on…..picture this…..the room is dark with candles flickering; music playing (yes, that is the therapy room); it is like date night….I used to bring in food (4 course meals, LOL) candles and flowers and something to drink (non-alcoholic)…..Yes, he has played fast and loose with my emotions. Here he is married and I am divorced….uck…shame on him.

Allison,

I am glad you plan on talking to him. It’s hard for me to say much about it because I would be in your same shoes if given the opportunity. However, you “T” seems a bit disturbed in the head. I know that if I had an affair with mine that he would not be playing those mind games with me. Your “T” is sick. You should bring in a tape recorder and put it in your pocket. Just in case you need to use it in the future. When do you see him next?

Bonnie,
I would much rather be in your situation. You’ve received more of your “T” life than I ever have or will. I hate myself for feeling this way, but I’m geniunely jealous of your situation. Sure that is wrong on so many levels, but I wish for just a snippet of mine’s life. But no, he is happily married and would do nothing to jeopardize his wife nor his career.

That makes me sad and I wish I could just get over it. Tonight I met another “T”, but a female (group therapy) and I asked her if she would take on new clients. She say’s sure, but she doesn’t want to steal another therpist client’s while he’s on vacation.

If I don’t give over my transference soon, I’ll ask her to take me on, and explain the situation.

I wish all you ladies the best of luck.

Hi Jinx’d,

I’m kinda in an in between state–does he want me? Does he not? It is a very confusing and hard situation. It is making me go nutts. I think it is awsome that you are going to see a female therapist. I still want to do that on the side w/o my “T”’s knowledge. You say you are jealous. I know what you mean. But I dont want to jump to conclusions yet. I feel like he is right at the edge of my finger tips. He can change his mind at anytime (if I ever was in his mind). Should I ask him? Should I seduce him? What should I do? I can’t stop thinking about him.

Jinx’d,

p.s. I know this is crazy, but I went to the store and bought a bunch of new clothe, including a sexy new braw. Am I nutty or what?

Bonnie,
You’re completely normal for the new clothing line… well that’s what I would do. Like I said before, I’m envious of your relationship with your “T”.

My female “T” is just group therapy, but if things don’t go better I will make the permanent change. She’s nice, but I also don’t feel the comfort level I do with him.

Please keep us informed!

Bonnie: My t isn’t “sick”—unfortunatey (for me!), he is struggling with his feelings, and confuses me by going back and forth. He has said: “I am torn,” etc., etc……He is the most brilliant man I have ever known; he plays the violin (symphony); has designed a telescope,the list goes on.

He has said “I am sorry I am inconsistent.” On my birthday I wore my cream-colored silk negligeee…..has spaghetti straps and looks like a dress…I have waist length hair and had it done in a french twist……I have always loved to dress up, and dress to the “nines’ when seeing him…he told me I always come in “pristine”—-if he only knew how long it took me to get that way, LOL,, LOL

As I had said my colleague and I are writing a book about people in love with their therapists; unfortunately some people are not safe to talk to about it, and are judgemental; last thing I (we) need!

The mental health community will not like it, probably!

Allison -

Brilliant…romantic/sensual?…interesting…insightful….unshallow…nurturing….in the helping profession… psychologically minded…artistic.. exploring your most intimate emotions, thoughts and fantasies together - and without judgement, but with intentions to help you become the best you can be…FWIW - WHO WOULD *NOT* FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR THERAPIST!!

I have been waiting for a man like this all my life! (too bad he is married-but lucky for her)

lol

okay-I didn’t read all the comments here, just two of your own, but this comment provoked me to respond.

I can’t say for sure what I would do if I were in your situation, because I am not and never have been, but in thinking of this, I believe I would not want to continue therapy with this person. It sounds torturous. Plus, it would more likely than not prevent me from getting involved in a (reciprocal) romantic relationship with a man. Maybe you have a bit of machosism (just guessing)?

And I do think - and this is not intended to be judgemental - that there is a sense of teasing on his part…and there are hints that he is having an emotional affair with you-he seems to be benefiting from treating you-indulging (this part may be unethical). This, if what you say is true (and I’m not doubting it isn’t-but we just don’t have his side of the story here), would not be a good thing to continue.

Good luck and best wishes to you!

“I have 5 years of verbal and physical foreplay to back myself up on…..picture this…..the room is dark with candles flickering; music playing (yes, that is the therapy room); it is like date night….I used to bring in food (4 course meals, LOL) candles and flowers and something to drink (non-alcoholic)…..He is the most brilliant man I have ever known; he plays the violin (symphony); has designed a telescope,the list goes on.”

Allison - forgot to mention, not too long ago, I read an article that discusses women (they emphasize middle-aged women though) and the possibility of therapy addiction. (Maybe it was at Psych Central?) I wish I could remember where I found it, sorry. But you could do some googling if you are interested.

This might not apply to you at all, but it might be worth exploring for your own benefit (or perhaps for others lurking here). The idea/theory of the article was that some women, instead of focusing on recipriocal relationships with partners “in real life”, choose to play them out by the means of intimacy, romantic feelings, fantasies, etc., with a male therapist.

This behavior can be a defense against pursuing IRL relationships - or it could be attributed to the fantasy and enjoyment of such a relationship. I believe the article said middle-aged women were more likely to do this. I can also see how someone lonely or craving love or attention from the opposite sex could use the therapeutic relationship to fulfill unmet needs - as opposed to healing in a manner that would encourage developing intimate relationships outside of therapy. Again, I am not saying this is you, but wanted to mention this in case you might relate, or if others reading could relate.

I can imagine this could apply to men w/female therapists as well, along with those who are gay, etc.

So I suppose my internal debate would be - is this healing or fulfilling unmet needs? If it is not healing, is it healthy for the patient to continue with this relationship?

I saw posts about the creation of this book on another mental health related forum. I don’t think people were being judgemental. I think they were just questioning the ethics of your therapist. Only my opinion.

I hope everything works out for you, and good luck with your book!

p.s. About the term “real relationship” - I don’t like to use that term because it is, in fact, a “real” relationship; however, it is one in which you cannot act upon in the same manner you could with a non-therapist partner-so it is not akin to the concept of a romantic relationship in real life/outside of a therapist’s office, and I cannot think of a more concrete phrase to use to describe or compare and contrast the two types of relationships.

hi.. all just a bit difficult at times. x K

My relationship with my t isn’t preventing me from having a relationship with another man (matter of fact, I thought I had met the “one” a few years back), and he disappeared without a word.

My t asked me if he was holding me back; I think that is ridiculous NO ONE and nothing has ever held me back from what I wanted to do or accomplish. He knows that all too well!

I live in a parallel world (as I told my t); one in which we meet–he considers me a colleague, etc……and the other in which I am in love with him. It is a fine, delicate line; but I have emanaged to “walk” it……even tho it is an excruciating situation.

I have two choices: Leave or stay with him. I see no point in leaving (I am not a masochist, LOL); as I told him: I would rather be in pain WITH you than be in pain WITHOUT you…..

He told me: Who WOULDN’T fall in love with you??!!

I endured a childhood of poverty (no phone, car, refrigerator, bathroom); 120-year old tenement house with cockroaches and rats, snow came in thru a crack in the wall; molested by a drunken neighbor; had my hand held over an open fire by another drunken neighbor, a single mother who was verbally and physically violent. I joined the army right out of high school and “married” the original abuser……31 years of abuse; divorced, then abuse by a church (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com)

I’ve written a book of poetry and my memoir, am the moderator of an abused survivors’ group; won a women’s scholarship (not academic), but I wrote about my life; went back to school, joined the American Counseling Association (attended the last 3 conventions), published 3 times in a university journal, speaker on the radio re: my passion: getting message out about verbal abuse…..etc.

Trying to get on national tv….1 in 3 women are abused and every 9 seconds a woman is assaulted globally.

So you see…the hardships of life have pretty much prepared me….for more…..it isn’t easy (with my t), but it is…REAL.

There is so much happening here that I don’t even know how to comment..just enjoying all the information being shared..hope everyone is doing well. DEE

I’m coming back to this forum after so many months
(though I kept reading yr discussion) because I feel so absolutely desperate. My therapist told me I’m now ready to “walk alone” and I have only one meeting with him left. The problem is that I have been seeing it in a public structure, so I cannot insist too much on keeping seeing him, nor can I afford meeting him privately (or maybe I could do it very seldom).
Now, my seeing him has become my reason of life. I know this sound pathetic, but that’s the truth.
A few days ago my husband (with whom I have a very difficult relationship, always on the edge of divorce) asked me if I was still seing this therapist and, when I said I had only one meeting left, he told me “so he too is fed up with you”.
It was such a pain to hear this, because this is what I’m feeling deep in my heart: I feel let down.
I read Bonnie telling about her husband being bipolar. Also my husband suffers from this disease and, though now he is much better, I cannot forget the days when he seemed to have gone crazy and I’m too scared to accept trying to sort out the situation with him or trying to recover our marriage. Going back to my therapist, I already told him I’m afraid of being left alone, but I didn’t dare to tell him about the true reason. Pls consider that I am almost ten years older than him and this makes things even more ridiculous.
Do you think I should tell him how I really feel or just take this opportunity and hope that not seeing him anymore will finally “heal” me?
Every day I try to do my job, take care of my daughters, and be brave, but most time I just feel like crying. Last time I saw my T I was really sad and he looked at me in such a symphatetic way…nobody ever looked at my like that, though I know I’m just a part of his job.
Please forgive my mistakes, but english is not my mothertongue and then I’m so upset I can hardy think.

Monica,

Wow. It sounds like you are going through a lot. I am a bit concerned as to why your therapist can’t see that you are clearly not ready to be on your own. Do you not tell him about your pain? I think most people will tell you that telling him how you feel would be the best thing to do. I am not sure. I think it was a relieve for me when I told my “T”, but now I kinda regret it. I think you are definately not ready to venture on your own, considering your marriage situation. I know what you mean. Everyday I feel bad that I can’t stand my husband anymore. Divorce has been on my mind a lot.

I made a fool of myself this past week with my “T”. I actually tried to kiss him. He kinda panic’d. He got up and started pacing the room acting all nervous and telling me that he has worked so hard to get where he’s at and will not risk his career. I asked him if he likes me at all and he did not answer. He then said that if we both weren’t married and I wasn’t his client, things would be different. I’m not sure what he meant by that. I asked but he said, “things would just be different.” I asked him if he was going to transfer me, and he said no.

So, see Monica, things can get worse and pretty pathetic when we reveal our love for our “T”. Maybe if you tell him you need to work on your transference issues make sure you guys actually “deal” with the issue and then run in the other direction as fast as you can. As for my “T” he has moderately dealt with my transference issues. But I think it is hard for him because I believe there might be some co-transference going on. The last 2 sessions he has spent at least half our session talking about his problems.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Jinx’d,

How are things going for you lately. How is group going? I went to the village to ask about the psych central and they didn’t know what I was talking about. I live in a small town, so I’m not sure if they have something like that here. I will try another place. Read above what I wrote to Monica. I a made an ass of myself last session. I dont know if I should go back. I’m so humiliated. I’m kinda angry at my “T” because I feel like he led me on. He is leaving in six months. When he told me this, I started crying and told him how I dont know what I’m going to do without him. When I looked up at him, he had a smile on his face, He kept saying, “well, it’s 6 months away.” Was he taking pleasure in my pain or in the fact that I am going to miss him so much? I said I dont want to lose him and he said that he still talks to his previous clients from time to time even after they are no longer his clients. That made me kinda jealous and kinda relieved. I asked him if this meant that we can still keep in contact when he’s gone and he said that it is totally up to me. That made me feel a bit better. But I know it wont be the same. I am grieving so bad. I even thought of suicide, but I would never do that, though it crossed my mind. I know that is pathetic. I feel like he told me that he is going to die in 6 months. He’s going to another state and I will probally never see him again. I feel like maybe I should start breaking the attachment now. I dont want it to hit me too hard when the time comes. He says I shouldn’t waist 6 months of therapy. I dont know what to do.

WHERE did you try to kiss him, silly?:) Can I ask about logistics?
I planned “an attack” on my T for months, but could not figure out a good corner or a wall to pin him down. There are too many windows and book shelfs. I don’t want to embarrass him in front of his co-workers ( if they could see ) and most definitely I want him to be …( clearing my throat )… comfortable.

Geez Bonnie..that is so huge…you tried to kiss him at work? Seriously, that is so over the top for me..I have no idea how to comment..I wouldn’t have the guts to do it, that is for sure..also, I’m not sure I really would want to..DEE

Bonnie,
how did you manage to kiss him, while he was sitting? At what angle? We want full description - your position, his position and so on.
Also, did any of you imagine if only for a moment that all of us seeing the same therapist? This vision really affect my transference.

People,

Please dont try it. It didn’t work. I screwed up big time and now I am suffering. I usually get a hug once in while when I ask for it. I gave him a hug and then tried. He rejected me and said that if we both weren’t married and I wasn’t his client things would be different. I asked him if he planned on transferring me and he said no. I called to apologize and told him I was just panicing because I realized I am losing him and that I know it was selfish of me. That was Wed. When he didn’t call, I called back today and his secretary told me that he is no longer taking my calls and that my appointments are cancelled.

I went into the office and opened his door. He told me that if I dont leave he would call the police. I said I just wanted and explanation and went to the reception area. I asked to talk to a supervisor or another councelor. They said that if I didn’t leave they would call the police. I was sobbing and told them that I felt suicidal. They told me to please leave. I’ve been thinking about how to kill myself. I dont think I will really do it, but I feel so ashamed and violated. How did things get so bad?! Why didn’t my “T” tell me or at least call me? I would have undrestood. But to be treated like a criminal and abandoned like yesterdays garbage, I just am dying inside. I’m so scared and lonely. I cried for 4 hours and now I am a bit numb. I am so angry inside. I feel like I was led on? Do I have a case here? where do i go to report him? HELP!!!! Can anyone make any sense out of this for me please?

ps. they cancel’d all my husbands appointments too. He is now asking questions as to what happened. I am so scared. if this gets out i am doomed. I mitice wll not live if my husband finds out.

Allison,

I am now ready to help you with this book. This kinda stuff needs to stop.

He messed with the wrong client, ladies. I am going to report him to the state Licensing Board. I tried to deal with this in a civil way, but if he is going to treat me like this then I have no remorse in showing him for who he really is—an unprofessional jerk! I am also going to file a grievance against the office. They denied me the right to see a supervisor or another therapist when I was sobbing and said I was suicidal. That is neglect and a big law suite. My “T” must think I’m a stupid little, ignorant girl. But I was raised by a single mother of 4 who taught me to never let anyone violate my rights. Any suggestions in the direction to make this process go quickly and smoothly? I am all ears.

Bonnie,
I personally think your complaint will not be taken seriously by license board. You will not be able to prove anything to anyone unless you are pregnant with his baby or have some “blue dress” ( Monica L ).
On another hand, from what I understand, your T will not be able to share any of it with your husband, but I could be wrong. I do not think your T was acting professional when sharing with you a fact that he is a new bachelor. I do question his ethics. Hard not to, after reading everything on this site and having my own experiences… This stuff probably more common in therapist office then we think. It’s clearly a cheep ego booster for a therapist. As long as he/she is walking that fine line…

Your therapist should have referred you to another therapist if he felt threatened by you.

Did your therapist make any advances toward you? Did he ever say anything provocative? Did he ever lead you on? Did he act unprofessionally? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you should by all means pursue this.

I think from what you describe here, your therapist is trying to protect himself.

Find yourself another therapist please, Bonnie, if you are feeling suicidal.

((((Bonnie))): What your t did was UNprofessional and UNETHICAL. A t is supposed to be trained to handle any situation. That was SO cruel. Yes, I hope you do go ahead and report him. He should have sat down with you and talked about what is going on.

PLEASE don’t commit suicide…that just punishes you. It is so darn scary; a therapist has so much power to hurt us. It didn’t matter if you stripped naked and went crazy, he STILL had an obligation to talk to you about what is going on and to NOT refer you out, or at least give you x amount of weeks to process things. That is the ETHICAL way it should be done.

E-mail me: wacalice@aol.com or go to our site: http://www.inlovewithyourtherapist.com, and click on (the e-mail) to suzette@yahoo, etc….I will respond. These stories (millions of women) need to be told.

Love and hugs, Allison

Everyone,

With all due respect..Bonnie..I do not want to upset you anyway, nor am I judging you, but I do believe that the situation has gotten out of hand. What did you expect was going to happen, when you just opended his door uninvited? His reaction to you comes from feeling threatened. Has everyone here on this blog forgotten that he is a human being like the rest of us? Allison, I am surprised by what you said, what is so unethical by what he did? What you are saying is that he should not have any personal boundaries. Obviously, Bonnie crossed them. I think you are all being to hasty in judgeing him..can you not see that he was caught off guard? Bonnie, I think that if you had just given him time to process what had happened then things might have been different, but you insisted on forcing him into making an immediate decision. Very few of us are capable of handeling such a thing, therapist or not. Your expectations of him are to high and you did not give him enough time to figure out the next step was.

With regards to reporting him: On what grounds? While it is important that we support on another on this blog, I also think it is important for us to not encourage behaviour such as this. Bonnie, you need help, this is clear. Please deal with the first issue on hand (yourself) before making any hasty decisions.. you need someone to help you make sense of your thoughts and feelings..it sounds like everything is all mixed into one now..suicide is not the answer as Allison mentioned..Perhaps you could admitt yourself to the hospital? Talk to your husband, hiding what happened only makes the situation worse..please everyone, let’s all just focus on getting Bonnie some help before we create that Army againgst the Doctor (T)..small steps..and Bonnie’s well being comes first. DEE

I’m not judging him at all. I asked those questions just so Bonnie could be clear on what actually transpired here. From what I’ve read I’m not sure that the therapist did anything wrong. He may not have handled this very well, and perhaps he should have referred Bonnie to another therapist, but it seems to me that he is trying to handle this ethically. He refused her advances and won’t see her any longer. this entire thing makes me feel symapthetic toward a therapist in this situation. A client makes an unwanted advance and then wants to report him. No wonder why Ts are scared of this.

Bonnie maybe step back and take a look at what really happened here.

I want to add that if the therapist feels threatened, it is within the grounds of being ethical to refer the client out.

Bonnie, please seek out further help.

Beth,

Exactly to all that you said..also, remember, being referred to another therapist takes time..a week may be two..like I said Bonnie, you didn’t give the guy a chance..you can’t expect that in 2 days the whole issue was going to be resolved..your demanded from him more than he could give you..this is not unethical at all..in fact, you should be praising him for being there all this time for you and not just this one incident..it’s not fair to him Bonnie or to yourself..think also about all the good he has done for you..Allison, seriously, your comments are just adding fuel to the fire..like I said before, let’s focus on getting Bonnie help first before be tar and feather the “T”. DEE

Yes, Dee, I agree with you 100%. My concern is for Bonnie as well. Bonnie, if you come to the boards you can find me in the social groups “Issues relating to the termination of therapy” (I’m Brightheart) or just come to the psychotherapy boards. We can all offer our support to you in this. And I hope you find another therapist who can help you through this.

Bonnie, I can figure how you must feel. Maybe there won’t be a chance to resume yr meetings witht that therapist, but you could try and write him, and explain what it happened, that you didn’t mean to threaten him, but most probably you just felt so lonely. Even if this therapy has to end, it would do you good to leave it in a softer way, also to not jeopardize the work you have done so far. Please also try to seek the advice of another T (a woman, this time!)
Suicide isn’t the solution, though I have thought of it myself, when things seemed so bad.
You are not alone, we are here to listen to you and we simpathize with you unconditionally, independently on whether you have acted right or wrong. Be brave!

Allison, Thank you for being the only one who is supportive.

As for everyone else, there is so much that has transpired in that office between my “T” and I that are so unethical that I have not mentioned because I had wanted to protect him. But now it is ALL going to come out to the board. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I cared about him. I asked him in my last session if he was going to transfer me and he said no. To not return my calls or give me warning in person or even the phone might not be illegal but it is unethical and unprofessional. And if he wants to be cold and mean about it then I will expose him for all he has done to me. Here are several examples to only name a few:

He monopolized 95% of our sessions, and when I tried to talk he would say, “Shut up and listen.”

When I said I had to go to the bathroom he would say, “No, sit down!”

He talked about his personal life and marital issues for over half our sessions making me vulnerable to his problems. Like complaining that his wife didn’t give him enough sex. Also telling me that he is a batchlor when he is still married.

Telling me that if his wife leaves him he will kill himself. Telling me if he gains weight, he will kill himself. I spend many nights awake afraid that he would kill himself.

He used the therapy session for his own emotional gain. I was his emotional prostitute and then he dumps me out the door. I dont think I would have had the courage to pursue him if he didn’t give me mixed signals. And by him telling me that if I wasn’t married and he wasn’t married and I wasn’t his client, that things would be different between us is also leading me on. Also, he told me that we could be friends after he moves. All this is unethical.

He also talked about his other clients to me, which breaks confidentiality.

I am not reporting him because he did not accept my advances. I am reporting him because he treated me cruelly by being so cold and not warning me. If he would have at least called to say that he did not feel comfortable seeing me anymore and that it is over, I would have understood. I would have left it at that. But the way he went about it is so dirty that I will be dirty too. He is not emotionally stable to be a councelor anyway.

Dee,

How can I have waited for things to settle when the first thing I hear about me not seeing him anymore is through his secretary telling me that I am not allowed to leave measages or see him anymore. I think I had the right to a phone call from him to tell me this himself. I am not a criminal and should not be treated like one. I am the victom here. Yes, he is only human and paniced. But it is his job to handle cases like this professionally. If he cant handle it then he shouldn’t be in this profession.

Dr. Grohol,

Any comment from you? You still out there?

Ps. I already talked to several councelors including customer service and they are all shocked at his behaviour. They all agree I have a case and that he has been unethical. They said that even if I tried to kiss him, he is the one that is responsible and trained on how to handle these cases with delicacy and grace. I did not hold him at gun point and rape him. I mearly made a stupid mistake. I regret it dearly. But as I can see in these blogs, there are many wishing women that would have tried the same if they only had the courage. If it takes my suffering to show them that it is a foolish mistake, then I suffer with purpose.

Bonnie - Your situation sounds so painful. Please call a crisis line to find out how you can get some help in dealing with these hurtful emotions. It seems you need to work this out with the help of a therapist, and maybe a crisis line will help find someone you can talk to in real life asap?

No one here can read your therapist’s mind-we can only guess and offer opinions and support. My opinion is that I really think your therapist felt his safety was threatened when you went into his office like that. It seemed he was willing and able to deal with your prior phsyical advance, but when you just entered his office like that-it seriously crossed a line. I’d be thinking, first a phsyical advance, then barging into my office, what next?

No one can know for sure what is best for you - except you - but I hope you do not file a complaint because I believe it will cause more harm to you.

If a therapist feels an immediate threat to his safety - how can he come up with referalls on the spot? I also think the other staff viewed your action as an immediate threat - and that is why you were not afforded the help of a supervisor. I think that is the issue. I would not be surprised if he mails you a letter with advice on referalls. I don’t see how he could have handled this (entering his office) differently if he felt his safety was threatened.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’d take the advice of another commenter who invited you to the psychotherapy forum from the Community link above. Please go there - vent, question - you will get lots of support. Please call a crisis line and find another therapist to talk to.

What you did was completely forgivable, it is ok. It is not ‘bad’, it was simply an err in judgement being you were so caught up in your strong emotions.

I think you will overcome this and learn a lot about yourself from the situation.

Do take good care and seek all the support you can to get through this. It is going to get better. You will feel better when you find someone appropriate to talk to, who can help you sort through all of this.

(((you))))

Hi Bonnie - I submitted my comment before I saw your last comment.

“Ps. I already talked to several councelors including customer service and they are all shocked at his behaviour.”

I am happy for you for being able to talk to councelors-that is good to hear. Just want to mention - it does not appear the issue was the kiss, but rather entering his office like that.

Please consider the harm it may cause you if you report him. His perceived rejection and how he behaves towards you-even indirectly in letters in response to the ethics board-have the potential to be very upsetting. I’m not sure how that process works, but I can imagine the correspondence you might see. It may be hurtful for you.

At least send him a letter first and allow him to explain, then go from there? I just think it’s unwise to make hasty decisions when one is experiencing emotional distress. Perhaps you could write him a letter, send it, then sit on that decision for a while - at least until you hear his response?

Bonnie,

This is what I am talking about..what P. said:

No one here can read your therapist’s mind-we can only guess and offer opinions and support. My opinion is that I really think your therapist felt his safety was threatened when you went into his office like that. It seemed he was willing and able to deal with your prior phsyical advance, but when you just entered his office like that-it seriously crossed a line. I’d be thinking, first a phsyical advance, then barging into my office, what next?

“Ps. I already talked to several councelors including customer service and they are all shocked at his behaviour.”

I am happy for you for being able to talk to councelors-that is good to hear. Just want to mention - it does not appear the issue was the kiss, but rather entering his office like that.

Please consider the harm it may cause you if you report him. His perceived rejection and how he behaves towards you-even indirectly in letters in response to the ethics board-have the potential to be very upsetting. I’m not sure how that process works, but I can imagine the correspondence you might see. It may be hurtful for you.

Again, it wasn’t the kiss..just what you did afterwards…DEE

Dr. Grohol,

In response to your comment below, I am very confused about transference vs. feelings you would have that may “not be related to” transference. I’ve recently read alot about this concept, however, I think we experience equitable transference with our relationships with romantic partners as with Ts-it’s only more noticable/stronger with Ts. I’m starting to think there really is no difference.

So my question is directed to others opinions on this - is the transference with a therapist any different than the transference we feel when choosing or falling in love with romantic partners? I do see how the relationship is different - the inequality - along with, perhaps, enhanced intimacy. But sometimes I think the transference feelings on their own - regardless of the relationship power differential - are the same with therapists as they are in all of our other relationships. I just think such feelings are amplified in therapy.

I know several people who realized later their spouse had some quality that reminded them of their mother or father. Maybe unconscious to most, but it seems transference is just real feelings -regardless who it is with. It certainly is amplified in therapy though-perhaps because its also brought to our consciousness through the discussions (such as with psychodynamic therapy).

Anyway, I’ve had considerable interest in this topic lately because I am seeing a male therapist for the first time. I had always had female therapists in the past. And while I don’t have substaintially strong transference feelings with him, after reading numerous psychotherapy articles - I am personally scared of falling in love with a male T! It’s not as strong as a phobia that would cause me dysfunction, but it has been on my mind lately. I read about erotic transference too, and frankly, while this has never happened to me I am scared of this too.

But back to my original point - After reading so much about this through scholarly articles, and others’ opinions and comments, I am beginning to believe transference feelings are no different than non-transference feelings.

Looking for discussion about the concept of transference feelings, rather than the relationship power issue and not being able to act on it. So my question doesn’t relate to acting on these feelings-but more the concept behind the feelings. Are transference feelings really any different from any of our other feelings? How do we know that unconscious transference feelings don’t effect each and every relationship we are involved in?

How does everyone else feel about this? I’m interested in what others think here.

John M Grohol PsyD at 7:21 am on July 5th, 2009:

“Allison — I think it’s hard — if not impossible — to disentangle true love from the transference relationship. Hence the reason such feelings are common, but not expressed as you would in a normal romantic relationship.

Therapy can bring you very close emotionally to the therapist because of the process itself. Two people in therapy can often be more emotionally intimate than the client will be with most other people in his or her life. That intimacy can reinforce emotions that feel like love, but were developed from unequal partners — the therapist in power, the client in expression.

It may feel like romantic love, but it’s not returned by the therapist (unless the therapist is unethical or has issues themselves). It is an expression of the normal bonds of a therapeutic relationship.

Healthy romantic love needs to come from two people who start out on equal footing, with no power differential between them, and no professional environment that encourages and rewards emotional intimacy.”

It seems like most people commenting here are not reading carefull what I wrote. He cut me from any contact with him whatsoever BEFORE I went into his office. That’s why I stopped by. I know it was wrong, but I paniced. That is why I am upset.

Dee and P.,

How can I write or have written him when i mentioned that I was NOT allowed to even get a measage to him (this being before I entered the office).

My mind is set. I am reporting him.

Oh dear-Bonnie I am so sorry…I reread where you left the message and he did not return your call..

When I saw you originally pointed out him saying he wasn’t going to terminate the relationship after that incident, and he did not return your call - i had assumed that instead of waiting for him to call back, you just went to his office. Now I see you waited for him to return your call that never happend, then checking back later to be told he would not take your calls. Was there something you said in the messge you left him that would have alarmed him? I still think the safety issue re-going to his office was a concern, but before that-he should have returned your call.

I am sorry I misunderstood the details of your situation. I don’t agree with how he handled this either, based only on what you said here. It could be he was going to work this out with you but changed his mind after the session where your tried to kiss him, or it could be he was not comfortable telling you at that time he planned on terminating you. But regardless of what he thought, yes, I agree he chould have handled your situation differently. It seems he should have offered you a closure appointment, or if he wasn’t comfortable doing that he could have at least called you to explain what was happening. If he was still uncomfortable even talking with you after that - he could have requested for his supervisor to call you. But to just abandon you like that without a word?? That sounds so painful considering your feelings for him.

In any case, he could have and should have, I believe, given you some referrals and at least explained why, he could no longer treat you. At the very least-had his supervisor call and explain and give you referrals if he was not comfortable talking with you after the incident.

I’d still wait until your anger/hurt subsides before making a decision though. Not good to make decisions while feeling emotional distress-no matter what the decisions pertain to.

Hang in there. Best wishes to you.

P.K.

bonnie at 9:50 pm on November 6th, 2009
People,
Please dont try it. It didn’t work. I screwed up big time and now I am suffering. I usually get a hug once in while when I ask for it. I gave him a hug and then tried. He rejected me and said that if we both weren’t married and I wasn’t his client things would be different. I asked him if he planned on transferring me and he said no. I called to apologize and told him I was just panicing because I realized I am losing him and that I know it was selfish of me. That was Wed. When he didn’t call, I called back today and his secretary told me that he is no longer taking my calls and that my appointments are cancelled.

I know I have to react when I am indignant because that is the only time I feel strong. When the anger leaves there will only be intense pain and I will have no strength. I know he treated me like this because he thinks I am a pushover. He’s told me many times that I have week boundaries and I let peole take advantage of me. I’m just so tired of that being true. Before I tried to kiss him I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea to see him as often because I had urges to kiss him. He told me not to be embarrassed that nothing makes him uncomfortable and we can work through it. We never really did “work” through it. I dont see how he went from night to day.

I was walking this morning around my block, there is a church near my house and I was walking past it.He happened to be in my town. I was so embarassed when I saw him infront of the church. I looked the other way, but I can see him from the corner of my eye, whisper to some guys with him and run inside the church. I dont know why he is treating me like a freak. He is now slandering my name. If I am such a threat then he can stay the hell out of my town and neighborhood, which happens to be a real small town. He lives in a different town. He usually goes to a different church too.
To answer your question P., I was very apologetic when I had called after I tried to kiss him. I asked for forgiveness and said it would never happen again. He is giving me no choice. He has and had no intension of dealing with this in a civil manner, and now I might have a PPO against me which I will have to contest. It’s a mess. If he is going to take this to extremes then I have to protect myself. I cant just roll over and take it. I’ve been doing that all my life and I am sick and tired of not sticking up for myself.

Should he go on with his happy life as if nothing happened while I suffer for weaks and months over this? I think not.

I have made a decision not to participate in these comment sections anymore, but seeing how many people are still discussing this matter and how at least some of the commenters are having boundary issues, I’ll be hypocritical and submit a comment to hopefully at least make sure non-commenters reading here don’t get mislead:

As I have said two times earlier, there is NOTHING therapeutic or professionally responsible as a therapist to get emotionally or intimately involved with a patient.

Don’t believe me, just google Glen Gabbard, MD, and his work on boundary violations in psychiatry. You should get a plethora of links to give those willing to consider his perspective some pause and reconsideration to pursuing involvement with a therapist.

And, per an above commenter asking recently, where is Dr Grohol in this thread? In my opinion, it is time to shut it down, because, in my very limited assessment here, there is some serious characterological issues at hand that do not do this site any good.

I’ll end with this: if you were involved with a therapist and even if you intiated it, if the therapist responded and went further, he/she needs to be reported for ethical lapses in conduct. It will be up to the board of the state this therapist practices in whether there are grounds to pursue charges of misconduct/malfeasance/frank immoral or illegal actions, so just reporting it does not mean consequences will happen.

But, if you do nothing, nothing will happen, and a dysfunctional therapist will prey on others. Count on it!!!

I hope you will allow this comment to be posted, Dr Grohol, and perhaps respond to the players at hand here.

Sincerely,
skillsnotpills

Bonnie,

I understood what you said: you called him, waited 2 days for him to call you back, he didn’t call you back, you went to his office, his staff said he is no longer accepting calls from you and he was canceling his appointments with you, you then demanded some answers from him and that is why you walked into his office. He threatened to call the police etc, etc., I understand clearly what you said happened. I still stand by what I said: You handeled things very poorly and he felt threatened. Just because you were ready to talk about what happended (ie-the kiss), doesn’t mean that he was and for you to demand him to be ready when you wanted him to is unfair. Like I said before, you have made all this assumptions without waiting to see what his next step was. I gurantee you that he was probably in the process of referring you to someone else and would’ve contacted you. The man is trying to protect himself and I think that the reason you want to report him is because you are upset with him that he did not return your advances or that you feel like he humiliated you. Mistake or not Bonnie, the man has a right to end his work with you if he feels like his life is in danger which is what he probably thought. Just my opinion though. DEE

Bonnie,
I don’t think filing a complaint will be a good idea. You would not be able to prove anything unless you are pregnant with his child or have a “blue dress” ( Monica L ). You’re only going to hurt your self more.
Unfortunately, from what I understand now, your situation is not that uncommon. Position of a therapist comes with a lot of power. This power is commonly abused as long as a therapist is walking that thin line. He used you for some ego boost, just like Allison’s therapist does it, just like mine did…You, as a patient, should not be leaving a session thinking: ” Does he like me? Does he want me to make a first move? “. You should be thinking about stuff that you went to see him in a first place.

I can’t post anything for 2 days now.

I keep getting a message about duplicated comment.

Bonnie, your therapist felt threatened by you and so he terminated you suddenly. This isn’t unethical. He made no advances toward you, correct? Perhaps he doesn’t feel safe being your therapist. He is protecting himself, which as painful as it may be, is understandable from my perspective. I can’t tell you what to do, obviously, but please know that you are in the middle of a very strong transference reaction and are likely not thinking clearly. Feel free to PM me.

Hi, Dee, I originally had the same assumption as you, but that’s not what Bonnie had written. She wrote:

bonnie at 9:50 pm on November 6th, 2009
“People..I called to apologize and told him I was just panicing because I realized I am losing him and that I know it was selfish of me. That was Wed. When he didn’t call, I called back today and his secretary told me that he is no longer taking my calls and that my appointments are cancelled.”

She was terminated before she showed up at his office. Yes, I agree with you’re guess the therapist felt threatened later, but I also think it was cold and cruel to terminate her by not even telling her - especially after previously telling her they could work through the issue after her initial advance. Bonnie did not find out she was terminated until she simply followed up on the phone call message she left -2 days later - before arriving at his office unnounced. Again, her coming to his office crossed a huge line. Not judging, but observing and putting myself in Ts place.

But before she showed up announced? Geez, over the past couple of decades, I have had numerous men try to kiss me and make advances towards me -including coworkers and bosses. I simply said no thanks and the individuals backed away, apologized either at that moment or shortly afterwards, and those same individuals never did it again. If they had tried it again, disrespecting my boundaries, of course a different scenerio might have been played out. In fact, after some of those incidents, we became better friends having discussed the situation and getting to know another more in depth. It happened several times this way-we became closer, in friendship terms-not sexual.

I know trying to kiss him was totally inappropriate, but c’mon-at least call her back and explain he can’t see her anymore.

Of course, we don’t know his side of the story and maybe he led her on more than we know and now feels guilty about it and is trying to evade his personal responsibility in the matter by turning it around on her - making her look like some kind of criminal with a protection order from the police. That could be him covering up his role in the relationship gone wrong. If this theory were true, imagine her going before a board for an ethics violation - there he is with evidence Bonnie barged in his office - the supervisor a witness. He might have told whoever took the call, the person who told Bonnie he wasn’t accepting her calls-this woman tried to attack me, then ignored her thinking she would get upset enough to act out in a manner others would witness-then say-hey, look-I told you this woman was dangerous. I’m just thinking out loud. Of course none of us know.

What we do know is that Bonnie is extremely hurt by being terminated via ignoring. Sometimes ignoring someone in pain is worse than saying something mean to that person - its as if the person feeling pain isn’t even worthy of an explanation. I have had an abusive bf do that to me in my adult life - and it can bring up strong childhood feelings for those of us who have had childhood trauma. Ignoring from someone you’ve been in a relationship with for years is a form of emotional abuse-passive aggressive.

- P.K.

Dee at 5:58 pm on November 7th, 2009
Bonnie,
I understood what you said: you called him, waited 2 days for him to call you back, he didn’t call you back, you went to his office, his staff said he is no longer accepting calls from you and he was canceling his appointments with you, you then demanded some answers from him and that is why you walked into his office.

Skillsnotpills,

Why do you think this blog should be censored just because you don’t think its appropriate? While I can say it would be best to move the discussion of one individual to a support forum, that’s up to Bonnie and the owner of this forum. I don’t understand the benefits of censoring adults from this dialogue.

Meanwhile, people can learn from this. I have had several therapists in my lifetime-as naive as it may be-I did not know a patient could fall in love with a therapist differently from other people they meet in life, let alone what transference was.

I think it’s good for people to read about this and learn. I am glad I know about the risks involved and now know what boundaries to watch out for if I am feeling vulnerable. I am grateful for this blog I first read out of curiousity.

Thanks for the tip about Dr. Glen Gabbard’s work. I googled him like you said and am interested in his articles. Thanks also for the information about boundary violations.

I really emphathize with therapists-their job seems tough and emotionally exhausting. Personally, I could not be a T. However, they really have the potential to brutally harm patients. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard stories of this nature. I’ve heard stories of patients hurting Ts as well-they are broadcast in the news. Each time a patient gets hurt, the incident is not broadcasted-is it? So this is good place to discuss those situations. I wonder how many go unreported.

P and Skillsnotpills,

Thank you for your comments and support. I need support more then advice right now. I know what I need to do and nobody can change my decision. No one really understands fully what is happening to me. I am in a small town and unless you ever lived in one, you can not truly know what it feels like to be dodged by your “T” every time you see him at the grocery store or at church or the gas station, while on lookers stare and wonder why you are a threat. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.

I know that it is difficult and almost impossible for some people commenting who have such strong transference with their therapists to see that I am seeing clearly now. I truly feel like I dont love my “T” anymore. I can truly see how this was transference and not real love. Now that he has removed himself, I can see clearly like Skillsnotpills said, that boundaries where crossed. It is always the person in authority who is responsible for how they handle it. I also feel that allowing to be embraced by your client can lead to things like being kissed, which is why I tried.

I am going to be leaving this thread now. I am not emotionally prepared to have to continue to defend myself from those who want to judge and not support. So, I will be back in a month when all this is underwater. I agree that this thread is taking up too much attension.

It is very unfortunate that you ended up under an attack here, Bonnie.

Bonnie
I’m so sorry to hear this. I think him not returning your calls was extremely unprofessional. How can he treat a client this way? Someone that needs help? How could they tell you to leave when you’re suicidal? That man needs a kick in the balls.

I can’t believe how people are attacking you. It’s also funny that people think this should be shut down. I think this blog is extemely helpful for us to tell our stories.

again, sorry Bonnie and (((hugs))) for you.

It IS unethical for a therapist to drop you without notice. A therapist *supposedly) is trained to handle ANY situation…sit down calmly with the client and discuss it. If he feels he must refer you to someone else he/she is supposed to give you x amount of time to process what has transpired, give a date of termination, etc…

Your t was using you to be his caretaker. Unethical. Talking about killing himself??!! Scary unethical. Sharing stories about other clients. Unethical. Leading you on with veiled comments. Unethical. Terminating you without the proper time-frame. Unethical.

The only way a therapist should terminate you immediately, is if you are a threat to him or yourself (or others).

((Bonnie))…I am sorry you were attacked. Clearly some do not understand.

Love, Allison

Bonnie,

I am sorry if you feel like anything I have said hurts you. This is not my intention. I do feel for you very much and I understand that this must be a difficult thing to go through. Remember, I went through something similar, only I got to a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore and it ended before I could do anything really stupid and believe me I was capable and almost there. I understand the desperation that drove you to do what you did and I understand how bad you felt afterwards. Bonnie, I do support you and what you are going through. Afterall, we are all here for a reason. Forgive me if I am giving you the impression that I do not support you as I really, really do. Having said that, all feelings aside, my thoughts on the what happened come from a place of perspective. In a nutshell, all I am trying to say is that things transpired the way they did because you crossed his personal boundaries. Ethical or not, he just couldn’t deal with it. Point blank. Perhaps at first he promised you that he would discuss “the kiss” incident, but afterwards he changed his mind. I imagine he had time to reflect on what happened, got scared, couldn’t deal with it and then canceled everything with you. Let’s say he made a mistake also, but I don’t agree with what Allison said that therapist’s should be able to handle everything and anything. For one thing, it was not your time with him when this incident happened (the office thing) and secondly, he was not prepared. Therapy works for both Doctor and patient when there is time to reflect between sessions. This is why, we usually only see them weekly or biweekly, discuss what happended last session and begin reflection on how we are now doing. Anyway, Bonnie, it’s unfortunate what happended, but I encourage you now to focus on yourself, getting better and getting on with things. God Bless. DEE

I was sexually involved with my therapist, and it has pretty much wrecked my life. It has been next to impossible to trust other mental health professionals. It doesn’t help that I have to fight this stereotype of woman as seductress. It’s always assumed that the woman started it. In my case, my psychiatrist started it during a therapy session when I was deeply depressed. He was talking with me about self esteem, and came and sat beside me on the sofa. He took my hand and quietly told me he liked me. He asked if I liked him. I didn’t answer. I went home confused as to what he meant. Was he trying to make me feel better? Was he starting something? I ignored the signs because like usual I thought it must be me being my usual over sensitive self. Each session he pushed the boundaries a little more, until he crossed the line with me completely.

It is very upsetting to read this stuff, and I should not have ventured in here I guess. But, because of it I know I could not ever return to a male therapist. They would likely assume I primped for my psychiatrist and started the whole thing, when is so far from the truth. I was lucky if I washed my hair. I guess my shrink’s standards were quite low.

I hope psychiatrists and therapists do realize that there are mental health professionals out there who start it, and that it’s not always the patient.

I certainly wasn’t implying, Bonnie, that you should feel any responsibility for what has transpired here. I think that you should be very gentle with yourself right now.

Putting myself in the therapist’s position I can understand, though, why he panicked and terminated. I can’t imagine how frightening it must be having a client cross boundaries and know that it could potentially be turned against you. It would have been more professional to phone and explain, I agree. I think there is a difference, though, between unprofessional and unethical.

I have been attempting to offer an objective perspective. It was never meant to be judgmental in any way.

I’m really sorry for what has happened here with you, Bonnie. How you proceed is your decision. I hope that you feel better.

I can’t believe words as “frightening” and “threatening” are being used here. Poor little T. I’m not suggesting that Bonnie must receive “support, support and more support” here either. I kind of find it funny she is insisting on support all the time without taking much responsibility for her own actions. It is Allison’s posts I found to be frightening. This situation must be much more common then I thought.

I have not stopped by here either for what seems like ages but today I read many comments and I started with Skills. So I am going to respond to, and speak to skills for the purpose of staying focused, but this comment is for everyone to hear.

Skills, you are very right in practically everything you are saying, but your words are not really helpful to these women because you don’t understand them.

I am thinking of one of these women coming to you for treatment and I am thinking one primary thought: “How would you help them?” What do you have to offer these women when they get to the bitter end, and yes, it will become a bitter end for many, like Alison, but I am only saying your name, Alison, because I read all your comments and my memory sucks with names.

You say you live in torture, and to some who do not understand they may take your statement for one of exaggeration, or words spoken lightly. many readers won’t like you and feel that you are arrogant and manipulative, and playing games, and stuff like that, because some of this you are feeling yourself you are doing. You must hold on to control and understandably.

So it has been 5-6 years and that is long, but it may turn into 20 years and that is way too long.

Nobody here will have to envy their therapist’s wife, believe me, you are lucky not to be marries to him.

You know Allison what feels like the very worst of experiences you are revealing, and rather without much feelings one way or the other? The fact that your dude ignored you at the conference, that must have really, really hurt.

Right now, and I listened to all you said about rather being tortured with him than not tortured without him; i understand all of these feelings because I have been there. And nobody can help you so that is why you are not even asking for help because there is absolutely nothing you can do about this, right? You have no choice about leaving this relationship, you are hooked.

But I can also tell you that you will not be cured until you go through what will be even more horrible and which is when your therapist dumps you and he will. not because he doesn’t love you and all that but because of it. He is human; he is just a man, if one kind of a man. In a way, Alison, he is feeling not that differently from the way you are feeling, and he is also trying to hold on control and that is the punishing , torturing elwment of the push and pull.

This is torture, Alison, you are not sick you are tortured and I would be too. You are not as much in control as you think you are, because you were not primarily abused in your childhood but rather neglected, and it is that neglect that is causing your and your t’s behavior and feelings. We can all survive abuse but it’s a lot harder to survive neglect.

And when this ends, and it will, you know what will be the worst part? The fact that you wasted years of your life in that office and in one moment it’s over and forgotten and you are out of his life and forgotten, if not literally, but yet true. it could become twenty years thrown down the tubes and the best lesson learned, and that is actually a very good thing, and it will also come as a great relief, is that your life will be so much better without him and that you will see through all of this, and be free, a lot more than now.

last, Skills, not one of these women will ever report their therapist, and nothing is really missed anyway buy not doing that, because the BME is a waste of life generally and they will do nothing.

But more so, none of these patients would ever do so, because if they felt so they would long be gone.

KATRIN (not edited)

Hi,I am at a loss as to what to write, I am however sorry to read about these issues. It would be great to receive some professional input to the site. xK

(((Katrin))) I see that you do understand. THe not saying hello to me at convention……that is one of the t’s rules/regulations, etc….You aren’t supposed to acknowledge a client unless they say hello first…but I think it is ridiculous, especially since he knew I would have liked him to say hello. He follows some guidelines and not others.

I will be the one to say goodbye when I am ready. I don’t feel like I have wasted any time at all. I am busy with life (school, work, etc., etc) THe research I did on therapist/client relationships is staggering.

Transference/countertransferece: Fancy words for feelings, that is all. Transference/countertransference is present in ALL relationships; they are simply feelings (conscious and unconscious) that we feel for others….unless it is the classic (Freudian) trans/counter, where someone reminds us of someone in our past, and we react to them the way we would react to that person in the past.

As for the “power differential”—there are power differentials (again) in many other relationships; my t considers me a “colleague”—I couldn’t stop, or do a thing in falling in love with him.

An excellent book: Sex in the Forbidden Zone by Peter Rutter.

Therapists need to be trained in that a client (or themselves) may feel a strong attraction, and be educated in how to deal with it (when they aren’t), clients (like Bonnie) get terribly hurt.

I think the much bigger part, at least with me, is non sexual. I have fallen in love with even women therapists, and I shudder thinking back that I would have, had he asked, slept with this ugly, old and senile therapist, my first one,I did become his chauffeur, I would enter the double sessions he worked but then sometimes he would start holding me and sobbing, and then afterwards ask to switch over to me, but which I could not do, and so i would leave and he would charge me $200 and I pay it.
He would ask me to visit him when he was in the hospital, tell me to get him a deli sandwhich across the street and which was ’slum city’. The he walk infront of me with his gown open in the back with bare butt, and I again had to pay $200. When I went to Europe for the summer he followed me, and when he became more sickly he asked me to move in with him asn be his nurse and caretaker and he would treat me at a reduced price.

Finally, I ran as far as I could from east to west, but he would still call me in Oregon and ge got the number knowing my name not because I gace him the phone number. And he also asked me to go to kunch with him all the time so he would be less bored. (He paid) I gave him massages, he answered every phone call and this sometimes took 40 minutes, and when I was in deep thought talking, I look up and he was totally asleep and snoring loudly. When he woke up because he heard me leave he would yell at me that if I was not so boring he would not do it.

And I stayed! I paid cash!

Katrin,

That is the craziest story I have every heard..I am at a loss for words..I haven’t a clue how something like that could happen and makes little sense to me..I hope you are okay now.

I just did not know any better but if another person had told me this story, I would know better and feel like you.

Dependence, a mixture of love and hate, and the hate was first and I should have never come back after the first session. I told him that I was in severe distress and crisis because I had been using cocaine and it was killing me.

(this was 25 years ago) To this he responded that he always had wanted to try this but that his cardiologist did not think it was good for his heart….on and on.

One time my german mother was visiting, and she had lived through the war in berlin as a teenager. The t was jewish. he really wanted to meet with me and my mother together. my mother was horrified as she hates psychologists/psychiatrists and she has good cause from experience for this.

So we go the double session and my name never came up once. The guy spent 1.6 hours interrogating my poor mother about the Nazis and talking about all his own experiences during his time of the war in Germany where he was an army psychiatrist. my mother was practically in tears.

I don’t believe that a therapist’s role in therapy gives a client the license to do whatever they want. Transference or no transference, there comes a point where one must take responsibility for their actions… at least in part.

My guess is that the therapist felt it was safest for both he and the client to terminate in this case. And, yes, I can honestly imagine it being scary for a therapist when a client makes a move on them.

I’ve been there with this. I’ve been out of therapy for nearly a year and still love my therapist. It is more of a familial type of love than romantic, but I have also experienced those types of feelings in this. Though very difficult at times, it has been a very positive experience for me. I was fortunate enough to have a T who was 100% professional with me at all times.

I want to apologize for anything that I’ve said that might have upset anyone. It was certainly not intentional.

I had a few more thoughts.

Usually when one reacts as strongly as I did here with this, it’s a sign that there is something personal about it that has to do with that person. So I’m guessing that something about what happened here resonates deeper within me. Perhaps it is in my personal belief that one should be held accountable for one’s own actions. Or maybe I was thinking of the sweetness behind my own feelings for my former therapist, I don’t know…But really my reaction here likely has to do with me more than this specific situation. I wasn’t in the room with Bonnie or her therapist, so I couldn’t really know exactly what took place.

Bonnie, I apologize, and I do really hope that you find peace in your heart with this.

Katrin,

I didn’t think it could get any worse. Clearly, the man was a nut. Was he actually a pshyciatrist with a legit license? Why in God’s name did you not report any of this? I imagine 25 yrs ago things were different, this is probably why. How did you find this crazy person? I find your story intriguing only because I have never heard of such a thing..I just assume psychiatrists actually know what they are doing..it never even occured to me that one could be a nut job…wow..

Update:

I have talked to 3 different councelors in these last past days, 2 pastors, several friends, and of course this blog. I have had many different and interesting points of views. Interesting to find, the 3 therapist I talked to in seperate occassions, all in unison with my “t” being unprofessional and crossing boundaries. Anyhow, I have been able to register as much opinions and collected my emotions, and now I can think more clearly. I know I was definately reacting to my pain. I have for the first time since highschool, had serious suicidal thoughts. I even considered buying a gun to shoot myself. Dont worry, IM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF. My kids keep me going. I wasn’t in therapy for depression or anxiety or bipolar, but if I had suicidal thoughts, I wonder if my “t” treated one of his clients that suffered from depression or another mental disorder, how they would take it. That worries me.

I have decided that I will let things go. I think he is going through a very bad time in his life right now and that is why he is treating me so bad. Now when I say he is treating me bad, people please PAY ATTENTION, I do not mean he is treating me bad because he didn’t recieve my come on. but because of how he terminated me and wouldn’t even let me leave him a measage, and because how he is treating me in public. But I forgive him. I pray he comes to his senses and one day he will look back and say, “hmmm, I really did this one wrong.”

I’m still confused as to if I am making the right decision. Does someone who takes over people’s sessions with their own problems have the right to still be a therapist? Or was I the only lucky one (sarcasm). I remember once he asked me how my week was and I told him about everything that was going wrong that week (which was a lot) and he retorted with a list of his own problems and said, “…..so dont complain.” Once I told him about my troubled childhood and he snorted with, “You want to hear my childhood…it was worse.” Was this a competition?

He once was telling me about his marital problems and when I finally gave him advice (which was the only time), he was picking at his fingers the whole time and made them bleed. I told him to please stop doing that because it is making me nervous and he said, “Yeah, if you stop being an ass.”

Yes, he was unethical, but he was not “abusing” me. I guess he’s allowed to make mistakes. I’ll tell you one thing though. I will NEVER see a therapist again as long as I live. I was told by my emergency nurse friend that he can point out all the therapists because they are the ones with all the problems. its like the blind leading the blind.

So, am i doing the right thing by not reporting his behavior? I hope so.

Will he do this to someone else? I hope not.

Katrin,

Wow! that is a crazy story. It’s kinda scary how much power these therapists have over us, and how some abuse it. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Beth,

Thank you. I am finding peace in my heart. I guess my heart is big enough for pain and peace.

Poo,
“Poor little “T”"? Are you kidding me?! It’s amusing how you were asking me advice on how to corner your poor little “t” so you can kiss him. I wonder how you would have felt if he threw you out like a used whore.

Clair,

I am sorry to hear about what happened with you and your “T”. I think I wouldn’t worry if people think you seduced him or not. Even if you did (which you clearly did not), you are the patient, you’re allowed to be nutty if you want to (which you clearly where not). He is the one that is responsible for his actions. And trust me, it is the women more then the men that are judgmental.
How long ago did this happen and when did it all end? or has it ended?

I think we all have so much more in common here, than we are different. It’s really not a matter of trying to find out who is the sickest but a matter of just how vulnerable we are, and so alone. if any of this was happening to someone else, I would find it so hard to believe that I am also that person. We have to really have empathy and compassion with us, ourselves, for this, and understanding. That is what helps, only.

Bonnie,
Your T sounded very unethical. They are taught to not discuss anything personal. He soundes as if he took your time to disucss his own issues. That in itself is wrong.

I really hope this T (tool) really thinks about what happens. I don’t know if you should give up on it. The ethics board would be very interested in his behavior. He is unprofessional and that was terrible about how he terminated. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Please take care of yourself.

Jinx’d,

Thank you for your support. As unethical as he was, I cant help to feel sorry for him. He trusted me with all his personal issues. I think it would be cruel of me to use his trust. I know he was wrong. In my heart I still care for him deeply. I will always regret that I put him in a position where he paniced. I truly believe that he was developing feelings and it scared the crap out of him. I just hope that my experience is a lesson to all that it is not worth it.

(((Bonnie))): If he was behaving unprofessionally or unethically, most likely he was and IS still doing it. A therapist is there to hear about YOU. It is okay to occasionally say something personally about themselves if it is relevant to what YOU are saying, and if/and it might help YOU. Sheeshhh…..I read a book (forget the name) but it begins with Freud up to the present day; these t’s were having sex etc….with all kinds of people. Nothing much has changed. How many t’s do you think would self-report? Maybe none? I hope you and whoever else will check out my and my co-author’s website….maybe sharing your story (anonymously) might be a step in healing.

If I wrote what had gone on with my t (no sex) this place would blow up, so I will save it for my chapter in the book. Bonnie and Claire:, I hope you will e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com……and anyone else who would like to talk without fear of judgement, etc….Hugs, Alice

P.S. In http://www.psychobabble.com…there was a woman who had an affair for 5 years with her t; it has been a long time since she posted. She had cancer, and I am worried and sad that perhaps she died.

Hi… We are vunerable and human, and although trained, so are “T’s”. lol K ps… I’m hating all the hurt everyone maybe experiencing, take care.

Bonnie, you are so upset that you can’t tell ” Poor Little Therapist” was a sarcasm.
Doctor forget that they are doctors with us, patients. No wonder why we react the way we react. I can totally relate to what Bonnie shared about her appointments <> …Especially picking bleeding fingers and familiarity as “stop being in ass “.
For a year I went home thinking ” am I insane ? “.

what Bonnie shared about her visits somehow got deleted from my post - “He once was telling me about his marital problems and when I finally gave him advice (which was the only time), he was picking at his fingers the whole time and made them bleed. I told him to please stop doing that because it is making me nervous and he said, “Yeah, if you stop being an ass.” “

We need to support each other. The story I told was not the one that belongs here but with another therapist. That is how I know what you are going through and the torture. Abused we can survive; that is not what it is about. We cannot deal with this attention and all after the neglect we have experienced. We want it so badly, and more than anything, but we cannot handle it. It hurts too much.

I no longer have this problem now but we are always at risk, always. Unless maybe if we get cancer and it spreads all over to our brains, etc? That helps, and I am not kidding!

I feel so sad. I miss my “T” very much. I wish I never did what I did.

What is your husband saying about this whole thing, Bonnie? How it was explained to him?

Bonnie: I am so sorry. This is what happens when a therapist fails a client by doing what your t did. They should at least….”do no harm.” I kissed my t a few years ago, on the cheek. He didn’t have aproblem with it. As he said, it was a social kiss; no big deal. A t’s training should be that they know how to handle ANY situation; if they feel uncomfortable or don’t know what to do, they should consult with a colleague, and they should sit down with her and EXPLAIN it. They NEVER should abandon you without one word. That is unprofessional and UNethical. Unfortunately, when a t mishandles a situation, the client is the one who suffers.

The things your t said and did….shocking…to talk about suicide? He needs major therapy, but the screwed up t’s won’t get into therapy and will continue hurting others.

xoxo, Allison

I’ve read the entirety of the comments to this blog, there is a lot of pain, a lot of confusion and a lot of anger expressed here. This is usually what happens when boundaries are violated in the therapeutic space.

Upon commencing therapy, both the client and the therapist enter into a contract that prescribes certain roles for each. Not only does the client have to be able to trust that the therapist will exhibit professional and ethical behaviour in the therapeutic space, but the therapist must also be able to trust that the client will behave in a manner conducive to maintaing that therapeutic space as well. If either (or both) fails to honor the contract, the therapy fails and both parties spiral.

Entering into therapy does not remove the aspect of agency from the client - indeed not. The client is, and should be the most active participant in the therapy and engage with the therapist as a partner and facilitator in his/her own healing.

Both are responsible for the progress, or lack thereof of the therapy.

Hi Poo,

My husband doesn’t know the whole story. I did tell him some of the things that were going on and he was shocked. My husband is taking his Masters in Mental Health Counceling and is already seeing a client. All the “rules” are fresh in his head and everything I told him that my “T” said and did, he was shocked and said he could be in real trouble if he was reported. Of course I dont intend to do that. I told him that our “t” has a lot of problems going on in his life and couldn’t take the stress of dealing with our drama. He wasn’t happy how he handled it, but since my husband wasn’t attached to him, he has moves on pretty smoothly and has an appt with another therapist on Monday. Interesting enough, it is in the same place that our old t is in. That should be interesting. I’m not even allowed in that building, since I am such a ferocious criminal (sarcasm). It’s ok. I feel sad but a quiet peace and acceptance. It feels better then wanting him so bad and not knowing if there is a chance. Knowing that he is out of reach, I can move on and begin to heal.

Allison,

Thank you. I do pray that my “t” will go into therapy. For some reason, I’m sure this wasn’t easy for him either. I think his supervisor made the decision for him. It just really goes against his character. I guess he felt he had no choice. I forgive him. I could never stay angry with him for very long. I still love him very much and which him nothing but the best. I pray for him every day.

Anabet,

Thank you for your comment. I agree with most of what you said. I do believe that the “t” is more responsible then the client. The client is the one with the “problems”, mostly boundary problems.

((Bonnie)): You are a loving, sweet woman. I know the anguish you feel.

(Again, I repeat myself, LOL): E-mail me: wacalice@aol.com…..if you’d like to talk. There is nothing that will surprise or shock me….you can if you wish tell your story (anonymously, of course) for or book. There is a book “In Session” by Debra Lott(she has written to us and will be part of the book, hopefully). She interviewed women who had fallen in love and also….crossed the line. i intend to speak with her this evening.

Another good book: Sex in the Forbidden Zone by peter Rutter; it is a portrait of a therapist headed for sexual behavior or even sex. It is an amazing book; Rutter interviewed over 1,000 women.

xoxo, Allison

Bonnie, your soul is in the right place and that is the most important thing of all for our survival. Don’t let anyone dictate for you how to feel but trust your wise heart, as you are. As hard as it is, you will learn from this pain and I fully believe, even know, that agony and ecstasy go hand in hand. There is no joy without suffering and it’s not something you have to believe in anyway or think about; it’s more something your system will show you. (so don’t mind me) You have a lot of compassion and this will both hurt you and help you. I think you understand your t very well, and that is good. XXX Katrin

Sometimes we just have to know something just from our selves and on our own, and noone else can know what we know.

I find this board kind of funny. Many characters are odd. All those “XXX” and “OOO” and “LOL”… To me it looks as if one person taking many names and keep writing different posts. Allison with her insistence on sharing with her all your problems (anonymously, of course) without possibility of being judged… Allison’s potential book - also very “odd ” kind of “funny”. The most ironic thing of course is Bonnie’s husband who is bi-polar (abuser in his past), if I am not mistaking, and even Bonnie does not know if he will ever get better, will soon become another therapist. Blind leading a blind, indeed ( someone said it here already )

I’ve seen the plugs for the book on another board as well so I can’t help but to wonder what the motivation for that is all about…

Anyhow, Dr. Grohol set up a specific board for just this issue on the community message board. He’s mentioned possibly closing this thread. C’mon over to the boards, girls. Lots of wisdom and support there.

Poo, intensive psychotherapy is very dangerous, and no less risky than meds.
When the therapist has truly messed up to the max, even if his/her intentions were good, he/she will always dump the patient, always for his/her protection, and viciously.

It’s not a plan but all he/she can do to save his own butt.

All along the patient knows that something is seriously wrong but there is nothing they can do about it..nothing.

and Poo, to give you my personal feedback on the xxx, I really don’t know why I used it but there was no hidden agenda. I do this sometimes when I don’t know what else to say. (when cheers, or love, or take care, or best wishes all seem not right?)

And I do think you have some point about the different personalities showing up in this post, and those are not fake or made up but really different parts from the same person speaking. This whole discussion is about conflict, you know? Severe conflict! kat

Poo,

Yes, just another perfect example of the blind leading the blind. He (my hubbs) will one day be counceling various people and I hope that he knows better then my “t” then to tell them about our problems. It just goes to show how these therapists are just human and are everyday people. We sure make them out to be gods sometimes.

Allison, I emailed you.

THe purpose behind the book if you took the time to look at the link, is this is a way for clients involved with their therapists to tell their story (anonymously), because even in a group like this, many do still not understand. There is no hidden agenda. Debra Lott (author of “In Session”) is very supportive and agrees with our premise.

I do still not understand what did you just try to say, Allison. What exactly many in a group like this do still not understand?

Of course I could be wrong, Allison, but it seems like one possible motive behind the book might be to tear therapists down and I would never want to be a part of that. I sense anger within your posts…Forgive me if I’m off base with this. I certainly could be. I just wonder if you’d be interested in a very positive story such as mine. I still love my former T and hold that relationship as dear to my heart. He was 100% professional. It was a great struggle for me…a lot of pain…but what I discovered within myself in this has been very healing. I’ve never been angry about my feelings. I’m very protective of my feelings and of the memory of that relationship.

Okay, now I see the words “involved with the therapist”. I’m sorry. I think I understand better now. I was never involved with him. That would have been very, very wrong. I was just trying to understand and handle my feelings for him. My apologies.