We seem to be in an ongoing analysis of why people lie… First, clients to therapists. And now we bring you a well-written, in-depth article in yesterday’s New York Magazine about why kids lie. The findings from one of the studies are not surprising to any parent:
Out of the 36 topics, the average teen was lying to his parents about twelve of them. The teens lied about what they spent their allowances on, and whether they’d started dating, and what clothes they put on away from the house. They lied about what movie they went to, and whom they went with. They lied about alcohol and drug use, and they lied about whether they were hanging out with friends their parents disapproved of. They lied about how they spent their afternoons while their parents were at work. They lied about whether chaperones were in attendance at a party or whether they rode in cars driven by drunken teens.
Of course they do. These are the topics that are difficult or embarrassing to talk about. They are the topics that result in a kid feeling like they are disappointing their parents, or result in serious punishments. We’ve all done it — it’s an inevitable part of the process of growing up. And your children will do it too.
So how does it start and do kids just grow out of it?
It starts as early as 2 or 3 — the more intelligent the child, the earlier (and better!) the liar. They do it to avoid taking responsibility for something and to avoid punishment.
Many parenting Websites and books advise parents to just let lies go—they’ll grow out of it. The truth, according to Talwar, is that kids grow into it. In studies where children are observed in their natural environment, a 4-year-old will lie once every two hours, while a 6-year-old will lie about once every hour and a half. Few kids are exceptions.
[...]
In longitudinal studies, a majority of 6-year-olds who frequently lie have it socialized out of them by age 7. But if lying has become a successful strategy for handling difficult social situations, a child will stick with it. About half of all kids do—and if they’re still lying a lot at 7, then it seems likely to continue for the rest of childhood. They’re hooked.
So who’s to blame? Well the parents of course!!
Consider how we expect a child to act when he opens a gift he doesn’t like. We instruct him to swallow all his honest reactions and put on a polite smile. Talwar runs an experiment where children play games to win a present, but when they finally receive the present, it’s a lousy bar of soap. After giving the kids a moment to overcome the shock, a researcher asks them how they like it. About a quarter of preschoolers can lie that they like the gift—by elementary school, about half. Telling this lie makes them extremely uncomfortable, especially when pressed to offer a few reasons why they like the bar of soap. Kids who shouted with glee when they won the Peeking Game suddenly mumble quietly and fidget.
The truth is, kids learn by modeling and learning from the behavior they see in their environment. That’s why school doesn’t just teach facts and dates and math and grammar, it teaches how to socially interact with others in an appropriate manner.
So it should be no surprise, really, that our children pick up not only our best traits — our honesty, sincerity, ethics and morals — but also some of our worse ones too.
Think you can avoid teaching your children this lesson? You can’t.
On average, adults lie in about 1 in 5 social interactions. Unless you’re prepared to become hyperaware and hypersensitive to your environment and interactions with others, it’s just a normal, everyday occurrence we all take for granted. There’s no getting around it.
The article doesn’t really have any suggestions on how to reduce the number of lies your child tells, or how to keep them from telling any in the first place. The key is to understand that it’s not your child’s fault he or she lies — it makes complete sense in some situations to do so.
What you can do is reinforce and reward the truth when you see your kid debating whether to tell a lie or not, and to try and curb your own lying, especially that done in front of your child. Talking to your child about the difference between social lies (”little white lies”) used to help smooth over our relationships with others, versus lies that matter may also be helpful, but only as the child is older and can understand the differentiation.
And if your child rarely lies, be thankful. He or she is in a class virtually unto themselves.
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EquMath: Math Lessons » Blog Archive » Why Do Kids Lie? (2/11/2008)
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12 Comments to
“Why Do Kids Lie?”
I have a child who never lies. She’s 26 now. You’d think I’d be thankful, but it’s actually horrible. For example, when we were talking about her boyfriend, she let me know that he doesn’t like me–he blames me for her being bipolar. Great. Even though she says that he has since changed his mind, I find myself incapable of caring about him. Social lies are useful. When she’d do something wrong as a kid, because she couldn’t lie about it, she wouldn’t say anything, thereby admitting her guilt without explicitly stating what she’d done. She’s too open about everything. I grew up with a punitive mother, so I learned to lie early and often. I sometimes view her lack of lying as a sign of my better ability to mother–she didn’t have to worry about telling me the truth–but I’m happier dealing with my two lying sons than with my never-told-a-lie daughter.
Let me be the first to say–I am in your debt for helping me prove that my lying ways are not my fault–blame it on my parents! If only that were the case. I can proudly admit that those days are long gone, the days where lying was a force of adaptation, and not habit. Would I go as far as to say that I was only mimicking my parents, as opposed to saving my own skin?
I find it difficult to completely lay the burden of responsibility on parenting, rather socializing in general, as was the case in the “Bobo doll” modeling experiment by Bandura. Children do view their parents as models, and as your example shows, parents even encourage their children to lie about things. This poses the consequence of habitually lying children when they do not know the difference between a “social lie” and the other, as your post mentions.
You also mention that lying gets easier with practice, as is the case with every behavior one learns; still, are parents completely responsible? I think every child, after a certain age, makes the conscious decision to lie in order to avoid negative consequences. In that case, is it still the case that parents are responsible for that? Your research makes it sound like lying is a conditioned behavior, where children, through no fault of their own, are taught to lie. Is that the case for every child?
Sometimes kids lie because they’re scared to tell the truth. One example is child abuse. A child may be so scared of retribution by the abuser — and so doubtful of any real help — that she may avoid telling the truth. Mandated reporters such as teachers face this problem when they see possible signs of child abuse. How do they approach a child to see if there is the “reasonable suspicion” of abuse which requires reporting? There’s a site that lets teachers rehearse a conversation with a possible child abuse victim. It’s at http://www.hownottotalk.com/abuse. There’s a free trial version (120+ pages) and a CEU-credit version. It helps teachers detect the difference between lying — and just being too scared to talk.
When i was a kid, i would lie a lot. It wasn’t usually something big… i would tell that i did my homework when i didn’t, or i skipped one day of swim team practice. Eventually, caught a few times, my parents decided to push the guilt button. They felt so betrayed that t i was an outsider from the family and they then cut off any communication between us besides “are you hungry?” and “go to sleep”. Eventually we got along but even now i feel that our relationship will never be the same. And my whole life, i wondered who’s fault it was, or even if there was someone to be blamed . If someone could have some kind of answer, that would be great
I am interested in finding out what could happen to a Teen or her Grandfather.
The Grandfather got the teenage granddaughter to lie to law enforcement to file charges on adults the Grandfather had a grudge against. The Grandaughter said she was witness to a conversation that never happened.
This concerns me that it is a form of child abuse by the grandfather convincing the granddaughter to lie. I wonder what would happen to either one of them in a court of law,,,besides being really embarassing for them. If you don’t have answers,,please direct me where I need to go,,
Lost
Gypsy
AS I READ THE POST IN SEARCH FOR INFORMATION TAKING ALL THINGS SAID INTO ACCOUNT THAT IS NOT MY CHILDS SITUATION> i HAVE LEARNED from this site THAT i MUST TEACH SOCIAL AND PERSONAL COMMUNICATION BUT i AM STILL LOST AS TO HOW TO DEAL WITH OR STOP IT. i MYSELF AM HONEST AND LIE MOSTLY SOCIALLY IF NEEDED. i MONITOR IT BECAUSE MY MOTHER DOES LIE SO IT DRIVES ME NUTS PLEASE HELP. i AM A PSYCHOLY PROFESSIONAL AND OFTEN GET TWISTED WHEN IT COMES TO MY PERSONAL LIFE
This has been an interesting website to read from. My wife and I have been dealing with a situation with our daughter where she has lied to us numerous times about things that weren’t of great value for the most part. There was one time where she stole from us and lied about it. We have been at a loss as to why she has been doing this. I guess every parents wonders if they are raising their kids right. Punishement is something that we don’t deal well with. It is hard for either of us to punish her. But I guess if you love your kids you have to. But I always feel so horrible when I ground her or take privilidges away.
Our 12 years old daughter lied to us so many times that my husband and I do not believe anything she said. Sadly, it had changed the relationship between all of us because of her lying. I pity her because most of her teachers, friends, and families know that she is a constant. I cried many nights whenever she lies about something. It’s because there is no trust in the family. I am feeling a little better knowing that I am not alone.
Parents should hold their kids responsible for lying. But the mistake parents make is when they start to blame the kid for lying. Why kids lie? It’s considered immoral to lie. But when you look at your kid like he’s a sneak and an operator who’s undermining your authority, it’s a slippery slope that starts with “You lie” and ends up at “You’re a bad person.” I think that perception of your kid promotes more lying. If your child thinks you think he’s “bad,” he’s going to hide the truth from you even more, because he doesn’t want be bad. Even though they are lying, kids don’t want to disappoint their parents.
I agree that we all lie, there’s just no getting around it. And for those who claims that they always tell the truth are the biggest liars of us all. Having said that, my 12 year old son, who had recently broken a “do not leave campus” rule during the first week of school, but he told me about it, he didn’t lie. So my question is: Do I reprimand and punish him for having broken the rule? - which will encourage him to lie in the future. or do I praise him for his honesty but at once lecture him for his wrongdoing?
hi, i am a 24 year old women who is married into a different culture than to my own. In my culture, the husbands nieces and nephews are considered like my own and discpline is acceptble in my culture. His nephew is now 7 yrs and costantly lies about me, saying i am not feeding him or i tell him off because he is hurting my daughter she is 9moths now, this has made e move out of his family house. The childlives in the hse with his grandparents, since his birth, his mother desnt consder me as his aunty thus shouts and uses abusive language towards and believes him no matter what. Also she says that her sisters husband is his uncle and can tell jim off but i cannot. What am i to do? I have started to hate this child and his biologialMother
i lie but somtimes its never the easy way out
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 11 Feb 2008
