Funny that you bring this up. I run into the same situation in my profession (personal trainer). It seems that new clients are so worried about impressing me that they are willing to work beyond their limitations (which is okay since I’m there to stop them), but also don’t tell me important information about their health history or dietary habits until I either catch a slip while they are talking or they tell me about it well after a program has been designed and inititated with them. It’s not only frustrating for me to do all this work and have to go back to square one, but they are putting themselves at risk for their delay.

I think that’s completely off base, sort of blaming the victim. Many of the issues people go to therapy for are terribly painful. They’re difficult to reveal and, only revealable after a long period of comfort with someone.

I’m fascinated with John Grohol’s “Why would you lie to your therapist” article since I wrote a book dealing with the dangers of what I call “Emotional Dishonesty” in our society. The late psychiatrist John Viscott commented on this phenomenon throughout his book “Emotional Resilience.” It was after 4 years research exploring the dangerous aspects of “hiding what we feel and faking what we don’t” that I completed my book, “Emotional Honesty & Self-Acceptance: Education Strategies for Preventing Violence” (Xlibris, 2000). Viscott actually found there was a correlation between emotional lies and lack of progress by some of his patients, who simply had problems revealing what they were truly feeling in therapy sessions. He used a simple technique of giving these non-progressing patients an audio tape of their therapy sessions. After listening to the tapes, many problem patients told Viscott that they couldn’t believe how often they lied about their feelings in therapy. The theory behind my book, and current work teaching pre-teens to use healthy coping skills for dealing with upsets, is based on the simple principle that emotional dishonesty seems to have reached a crisis levels in America. I believe violence, suicide and self-harmful acts in America result from a cultural dishonesty and denial of emotional pain. Neuroscientists now know that emotional pain is real and exists in long-term memory despite one’s efforts to pretend “I’m O.K.” These deep pain memories are what may trigger both harmful behavior toward others as well as self. This process is now being explained by examining brain scan imaging results that show emotional pain registers in the same part of the human brain as physical pain! Our brains too often confuse the two. One result is fear that an emotional wound arouses an instinctive fear that “Something terrible is wrong with me” when I feel emotional pain. Kids I work with in grades 4-6 school classrooms learn about these brain dynamics, and how to regulate them. Yes, pre-teens can learn brain-based coping skills for getting over emotional wounds. I call this prevention-focused work Emotional Health Education. In classrooms it’s called Brain Works for Kids. In March, 2008 we will launch a free, innovative online learning center (www.copingskills4kids.net) to help pre-teens. The Internet may be the fastest way we can prepare a new generation for the emotional turmoil of adolescence. At the same time, we want to introduce these online public education tool for kids, we can also encourage their parents and teachers to use brain-based coping skills principles at home and school.

Some patients don’t consider certain relevant issues as relevant. Your patient might want to be treated for their insecurity, but is actually OK with their purging after every meal.

I am so glad i read this article today. I have a friend whom only recently has conceded to seeking psychological help for her mental health issues. She has a very difficult time opening up to anyone about her problems and feelings. Everyone including therapists. In a recent conversation with her, she mentioned to me that she had been to several therapist. When I asked about how it was going and if she felt that it was helping her. Snickering she responded that she had been to a few but was not happy with any and did not feel that they would be able to help her much. When I asked her why, she responded that she was running circles around them. And further explained that she knew more about many of her issues than they did. It seemed as if she was playing some sort of mental game with them. I really wish I could help her understand that, as this article says, it makes no sense. You are paying this person to help “fix you”. Why would anyone want to run circles around the person who is going to try to help you. The person whom you are paying to help you. If anyone has any helpful ideas or words of wisdom for me to share with my friend it would be greatly appreciated.

Well, speaking for myself only, here are some of the reasons I lied to my therapist in my last session.

I’m still conflicted about whether I want to be in therapy, partly because I’m not confident about the process of therapy and whether it can help me.

I don’t yet trust my therapist, partly because I’m not confident that this therapist has the skills or experience to handle my problems, and partly because the ability to trust is one of my problems in the first place.

As you mentioned, the shame factor comes into play. The particular question the therapist asked me concerns a behavior I am very much ashamed of. Knowing on an intellectual level that I “should” tell the truth has not, so far, enabled me to overcome the trust issues mentioned above.

I know that the logistics and effort involved in starting over with another therapist (or even worse, “shopping” for a therapist) are completely beyond me right now, and that if I quit this therapist, I won’t try therapy again. So I continue to show up, week after week, slowly expanding the horizons of what I am able to discuss, and lying about what I have to. Am I wasting my money? I ask myself that every week.

i lie to my therapist about what i’m feeling towards her. i’m embarrassed about these feelings, and when i do try to share them they come out wrong. those are that i feel too dependent, that i want more than what she can give me, and that i find these feelings to be a sort of weakness in me.

John Powell says in “Why am I afraid to tell you who I am” - that basically it’s because this is all I’ve got, and if you don’t like me then there’s nothing more… Therefore, we assume roles, wear masks and play games - maybe it’s hard for clients to think that the therapist will have unconditional positive regard towards them when they themselves do not have this same regard for themselves - and once the game’s up - there’s nothing left - pretty scary

because they don’t tell you anything you need to know, nor do they give any advice a silence or a hmm response doesn’t really help so what’s the point in saying anything. it’s taken me a year to realise that not all therapists may be quite so unhelpful. i’ve had to do my own research and help myself being able to access a uni library really helped, i think i’m ready to seek out someone who may pick up any bits i may have missed

Nonsense. Therapists are human and will release confidential information at the drop of a hat. It could be child custody, illegal proceedings. Court ordered subpoena. Simple chit-chatting with the therapist’s cocktail party friends. If someone thinks therapists are given attributes uniquely in deference to the rest of humanity, I suggest they send their children off for weekend holidays with their priests.

Of course patients only partially reveal themselves and try to put themselves in a good light. This is what the thinking individual self does. Thought rehashes the past to make things better. It rehearses the future again to boost the individual self. Just watch thought and you can see this. Any good therapist will understand this process and point the person back to himself/herself to face actuality head on. The onus is on both therapist and patient to dig out the truth. The process is messy and both contribute to lack of clarity.

Dr. Grohol should look into the research of Dr. Anita Kelly (University of Notre Dame). She has done a tremendous amount of research in the area of secret keeping (not just in the therapeutic relationship) and has some very interesting things to say about why clients keep secrets from their therapists. Research suggests that some secret keeping is indeed good, for reasons relating to self perception. Some catharsis is good, but it turns out that its important that we maintain some sort of positive image even in the eyes of our therapists. I have not done justice to her research in this brief comment, but its interesting reading, and I think could really be insightful to clinicians who think that its crucial that clients be 100% honest with their therapists.

Dr Grohol says that therapists are non-judgmental but that is not true. I tried therapy several years ago. The therapist was quite dismissive (”I can’t believe your situation was that bad”) and critical in ways I would rather not share here. I think it is important to protect one’s identity in any situation, until trust can be established.

Medical professionals too can be judgmental. One acquaintance was giving birth as a single parent when all the nurses (and medical residents) criticized her for having a baby without being married, in a small hospital.

We all lie to our shrinks, just like we lie to our dentists (”sure, I’ll floss twice a day”) and our mechanics (”it’s not so much a click as a drum roll”). But the point of repeat visits to our shrinks is to allow for the time necessary to figure out what’s a lie, what’s a misconception and what the truth (for that day) is…

Seems that the ability to face and express the truth about what you, as a patient, are feeling is half the battle and a reasonable signpost for measuring progress. Often the therapist needs to help make that happen.

Communication is tricky! Being a person is complex! Why should a client trust their therapist completely? Are all therapists equal in their ability to make best use of information provided? Do they possess super powers of empathy and non-judgemental listening? Can all therapists build the rapport, be human enough, to encourage their clients to reveal their deepest thoughts? Is it simply a matter of extracting information from client, and then the therapist, like a modern mind mechanic, uses the magic words to make all well?

I’d suggest, as therapists are human too with their own sets of problems with life and communicating, the answers aren’t always a resounding yes. If information is withheld then that’s indicative of an - and sorry to use this inhumane adjective - ineffective relationship. Perhaps it’s the “client’s fault” because they have problems with trust in relationships, but a decent therapist has to embrace this and work through it.

I have always been congnizant about whether or not the information I pass on to my therapist is the truth or a lie, and I truly understood how lying would not get me to where I wanted to go - no matter how embarrassing the situation.

When I have “lied,” it was when I was in a state of denial - I either did not want to, or could not “see” the truth as it actually was.

It was only after a period of time when things became clearer in my mind (with the help of therapy) as to how the actual events unfolded. Once clarity came, I was able to correct these “lies” or misconceptions, which I did to the best of my ability.

However, one time, I was led to believe something had happened by an over-enthusiastic therapist that really didn’t happen! It was only after approaching the people involved, I realized that I had been led down the wrong path. While my head wanted to believe (out of bitterness and pain), my heart could not. It devastated familial relationships and continues to do so to this day, even though I tried to make it rightl.

I should have demanded something be done about this therapist, but at the time I was devastated (again) and did not have the strength to do anything about it.

Sometimes (and rarely, I am hoping), it is not always the fault of the patient.

I am sure I am not the only individual who has ever experienced such a thing.

it is not surprising that those who choose to become therapists often have unresolved issues themselves, and unconscious agendas, which despite efforts, color their work with their patients. a good doctor or car mechanic’s work can be measured in quantitative terms. meanwhile a therapist might be patting him/herself on the back for doing a ‘good job’ with one’s patients, and a patient might ascribe to the ’super influence’ or seniority of the therapist, while no real healing is actually occuring. it is highly subjective, and this frequent self-congratulatory attitude too often serves mainly as self-aggradizement for the therapist in order to meet their own unconscious underlying needs.

Patients dont lie. They say (explicitly) what they’re ready to. they say (explicitly)what they can at a given moment of the therapeutic relationship. But they say it (implicitly)all the time! Yes they do. It’s always there for the psychoterapist to recognize it- in dreams, a slip-of-the tong,in a blink, a movement of the body, a hesitation, a apparently unrelated story, and so on and on and on… This is the real and true job for which he is being paid for! But to accomplish it, the psychoterapist has to be familiar with the so called ‘psychology of the depth’, the psychodinamic psychotherapy, or in short, with the freudian or freudians-derived, schools of thought. He has necessarily to have done is own psychoterapy with someone that transcend the usual - in the USA -cogitive and/or behavioural aproach… But in ego-dependent, behaviourist and pragmatic America all this is of course the usual and old European rubbish talk… and so you’re left with nothing more than the blame-the-client and wash-your-hand games - not to mention the broader political and social consequences of it all.

Everybody lies. (period)

We live in a culture permeated by lies.
The US government has made had a policy of
lying since Gary Powers and the U2 incident.

Shrinks lie. Let us not forget the Seattle UW professor and shrink taping women in his bathroom.

Nature lies. Remember the chameleon?

This is reality.

AND, sometimes, a government, a person (shrinks included), and nature tells the truth to the best of their/its understanding.

Whether you are a consumer of mental health,
or just a plain old citizen walking in the woods or elsewhere, the old adage
“buyer beware” is a good one.
It could be updated to believer beware.

I am also a therapist, but not at all surprised that clients often “lie by omission.” Talking to a therapist about something requires that you face the problem, and this is often difficult. Denial is a huge part of how problems perpetuate themselves, and are probably what propels the person into therapy in the first place.

I would suggest that Dr. Grohol has not, in this article, done enough to assuage the underlying fears a client may have about their relationship with a therapist. A simple contrast would be to recall a friend of mine who, in the face of the proposition that she needed some sort of professional assistance, booked one session, told the therapist that she was just fine, and never returned. It can be a scary prospect for people in her position to confess what one considers sins; that my friend, so accustomed to dispensing absolutely vitriolic judgment, should fear the judgment of a psychotherapist makes perfect sense to me. She is, in the end, unwilling to trust the psychotherapeutic process. In my own experience, I have invested what some would call inordinate—and at least one psychologist of my acquaintance has suggested inappropriate—faith in the process. Part of me approached those sessions tacitly daring my therapist to judge me. To the other, though, I was (and am) painfully aware of the sins of omission I committed on that couch; I would suggest that overcoming those omissions, gaining the courage to face them, confess them as such, and work through them toward some sort of conflict resolution, is the essential purpose of a process that can seem endlessly repetitive.

Reading Dr. Grohol’s article, I found the last two paragraphs unsatisfactory. Indeed, if you do nothing else in therapy … but why? I think of my friend, who would nod and say, “of course”, but in the end would still view the process as a mere formality she would go through to convince others of her sanity while calculating how best to escape a judgment that should, in any proper setting, never come. The final paragraph, all of three sentences, while accurate to my understanding of the process (from the client’s perspective), is simply insufficient, in my experience, to convince certain people I know who could benefit from such a process that the only judgment they have to fear is their own. Which, of course, comes back to the heart of the matter.

Why would a client lie? Because they need help. It’s a no-brainer at that point. The greater challenge is helping the client overcome the barriers presented by an overwhelming fear of judgment.

I wouldn’t, but that’s why I have to quit therapy on principle on July 1 of this year when Virginia strips therapists of their right to choose whether and when to reveal information about their clients to non-health professionals, lawyers with no mental health training who are called “special justices.”

I really agree that to many times people are not honest with their therapist and sit at home or work or where ever and wonder why they are not getting better. Well it just like taking your car to the mechanic and just telling him to fix it, well he will probably be able to find the problem and fix it but it will probably be along drawn out process that costs you twice the money.
From my experience I feel that maybe it is because of not wanting to be judged, for a long time I was not honest for that reason what are they really going to be thinking or telling there friends and what if there is no help for me? In reality if you don’t have trust with your therapist you might as well put the check book away and be happy to be depressed because you will never be happy until you are honest and that is the truth. I know for me after looking and looking and not knowing what I was doing wrong after talking with insightpros.com I realized that it was me and I needed to just be honest!

Well here in the UK, where it is threatened (and is likely to happen) that unfiltered medical records of all sorts will be uploaded to databases which will in theory be secure, but in practice will be used for all sorts of nefarious purposes — there may be a very good reason to lie about some things.

And this is slipping through with barely a murmur.

I’ve been to therapy several times and didn’t find it helpful at all. In each case the therapist didn’t actually do anything. A few times it was moderately useful to have a person to listen when I wanted to vent about something, but they didn’t really understand me or my situation, and sat there nodding and looking sympathetic. For this I am paying money? I can get the same level of support from complete strangers on the Internet.

I get much better care by taking care of myself and doing research. I know myself better than any therapist. I have even had therapists try to discourage me from finding out what was wrong.

By accident I discovered that the language problem I have is called ‘aphasia,’ but my therapist tried to tell me that having a label for it was no use, and (politely) berated me for ‘wanting a medical excuse’ for my ‘personal problems.’

I argued that having an accurate diagnosis meant I could understand my condition better and research coping mechanisms to help myself. Even though I never got a formal diagnosis of aphasia, reading a description of it made me feel that I was not alone with my problem, and better yet, advice on how to cope with aphasia taught me useful skills that let me get over my frustration and improve my language ability.

Maybe we’re seeing therapists because our problems aren’t ‘all in our heads,’ and we need a therapist to realize that body and mind are more connected than they realize. A person may have aches and pains not because they’re depressed, but may be depressed because they have aches and pains.

People with chronic pain from a physical condition are more likely to suffer depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems than people who don’t have chronic pain. If you had your daily life constantly curtailed and interrupted by pain, odds are, you’d be depressed too. Therapists just don’t get that. Given that 19% of Americans of working age have a disability, it’s totally unacceptable for therapists to not be trained to support people coping with disabilities.

Even though a therapist may be non-judgmental, isn’t it true that the confidentiality between a therapist and patient doesn’t enjoy the same legal protections as, say, that between a lawyer and client? Aren’t there some states that have laws requiring a therapist to reveal information disclosed to them by a patient if the state decides it has an interest in knowing that information? I don’t know the situation in all the different states, but I believe the state of Virginia either has or is about to pass a law of this type. I think a law like that might keep some people from being completely honest with their therapist.

It’s a matter of trust. I never felt that I could tell my therapist the truth because he couldn’t handle it. I had the unique experience of talking to my therapist in the presence of another therapist, about 6 months after he terminated the therapy. The thinly veiled contempt I’d felt during therapy was openly revealed in that session, so it backfired for him since I filed a formal complaint for ethical issues of mistreatment.

If by “therapist” you mean “psychiatrist” then a reason to lie to them is because you want them to prescribe a med about which they are leery.

This particularly applies to CNSs. The DEA has scared M.D.s senseless about prescribing meds on the Controlled Substance List. No med attracts their attention more powerfully than amphetamines. For selfish, career reasons, psychiatrists are frightened of prescribing it or its fellows. If a patient were to find that it is working for the purposes prescribed, (e.g. ADHD), but has some untoward stimulant effects, one might lie to one’s therapist about the latter effect so as not to give him a plausible reason for d.c.’ing it.

This is just one area in which law has destroyed therapeutic relationships. Whereas therapists ought to be treated as expert advisers, their gatekeeper power frequently requires their patients to attempt to finess sthem.

” I still can’t wrap my head around people who tell me they lie to their therapists. I just don’t get it.”

I am sure you didn’t mean for this to sound as judgemental as it may.

Though it is alarming that you find it difficult to ‘wrap’ your head around what might motivate a person to lie to a therapist. Have you failed to think this dynamic through thouroughly before you wrote such a simplistic and, ultimately, invalidating article.

If fixing cars was a suitably nuanced analogy Jiffy-Lubes would have a couch.

One word: transference. Many people who come to therapy relate to their therapists as if they were their parents or other important people — not because they want to, but because they feel compelled to protect themselves from what FEELS like a dangerous situation, a perception that is influenced from their past. It’s not so clear as plain lying, much more complicated than that.

“If a person shakes their head and is perplexed, do you call that person judgmental just because they don’t understand something?”

Actually you used the phrase ‘wrap’ your head around it and,also, that you ‘just don’t get it’. Both of these are a type of popular vernacular and they can, very much so, have a perjorative and subtle judgemental subtext to them.

Especially the use of the word ‘just’ in ‘just dont get it’. Compare ‘ I just don’t get why someone would waste money going to a mechanic for a simple fuel filter change’ to ‘ I don’t get . . .’ The use of the word just displaces the misunderstanding onto the subject. Choosing to say you don’t understand would be a more neutral way of speaking.

But be honest- do you really NOT understand why a person might lie to a therapist? I think that you chose that phrase as a lede. so to speak, to introduce your point that deception is counterproductive to a therapeutic process( that in and of itself is highly debatable but) and to get the most from a therapist one should not lie.

In an ideal world of well trained and highly skilled therapist, that are very attentuated to what the words they use can imply, and a society whose laws protect confidentiality and etc, etc , etc.- as the various comments above so well illlustrate, yes the ideal is absolute candor, but therapy is a tool for working with less than ideal actualities.

Your article has gotten many good and helpful comments and I think you might want to revisit this issue during your own supervision sessions.

Well ‘coming clean’ is not a necessary pre-requisite to therapeutic progress. A client can become helpfully aware of their resistance without actually breaking through that resistance. The dynamic begins and ends outside of the timeline of the actual clininical setting. A person may see a therapist for a period and during that time lie frequently, they may be quite aware of that and that choice, and subsequent awareness, in an of itself, can have benefits. Implied case studies notwithstanding, absolute candor is NOT the end all or be all of a helpful session.

I presumed that you used supervison as has become very commonplace. Meeting regularly with a person whose academic and clinical experiences help to guide us in our own work.

With today’s level of technology and our reliance on computers, some people may find it easier to “open up” through electronic communication rather than talking in person. The person seeking help may feel more secure and comfortable behind a keyboard and a LCD screen than meeting face-to-face with a therapist. That is not to say e-mailing should replace therapy in person, good grief, inability to communicate in person may be one of the problems the individual have to overcome. Instead, I suggest – as a complete stranger to the subject – that e-mailing and instant messaging could be used as a tool by the therapist, in addition to other methods, to allow the patient to communicate important information about their lives.

Here’s an idea: what about fear? I haven’t read all of the comments, but did read a great number of them. Nobody mentioned fear. Yes, fear of being judged by therapists, sure. Others mentioned maintaining positive self-image.
Nobody mentioned …simply, fear. Perhaps for some therapy clients, admitting ‘how bad it is’, is very frightening, on a visceral level. They may know it themselves on some level, but admitting it to their therapist might make it too ‘real.’ As in, my life feels out of control and by not admitting these deep fears I maintain some semblance of control. Unhealthy? Healthy self-preservation? Hard to say.

This seems one possible rudimentary reason for lack of complete disclosure.

Does ‘everything’ need to be discussed, truly? Our society advocates much sharing, little privacy. Something hampering progress in therapy, likely it should be shared.
Culturally, people vary greatly. What is sensible sharing to one person might be a great invasion of privacy to another.

Certain memories or situations might be difficult to share with a therapist who doesn’t have the experience or background to understand it, or who thinks too conventionally to be able to relate to one of another culture or very different family background and life experience (such as childhood or wartime trauma perhaps).

Some thoughts..

Dr. Grohol is a really committed and nice person. But this article is amazingly clueless.

Anna Salter, in her book “Transforming Trauma”, explains a LOT of reasons why the survivor of sadistic trauma might omit information or lie systematically. It’s how we survived, for heaven’s sake! How can you possibly not understand this???

The fact you, like so many really nice but clueless therapists, don’t get it is the reason few survivors of sadistic abuse last in therapy.

For the sake of his patients, Dr. Grohol desperately needs to read Salter’s book “Transforming Trauma”. She makes the reasons for with holding information or lying explicit. While some people may do this out of embarrassment or shame, many of us have other reasons directly related to our experiences. Not understanding this history and its effects on a personality means Dr. Grohol will continue to marginalize a certain percentage of his caseload who could benefit from his help.

I think people don’t so much lie in therapy as they do not share everything at first, until they feel comfortable with the therapist and trust him/her deeply. For some people, especially those who have experienced trauma, abuse, and abandonment repeatedly, this process can take years. It takes a dedicated and understanding therapist to stick with these clients and build the trust that is necessary to share “everything.” It would be an extremely poor match if these clients were paired with therapists having the “you’re lying to me” attitude. I would hope that most contemporary therapist training programs would teach what client withholding and reluctance to share sensitive material are all about.

The way Grohol describes it, it is as if the clients are deliberately telling lies to sabotage their therapy. I don’t think that’s it at all, and I wonder if a therapist with that view about a client might actually have some counter-transference going on? The clients are doing the best they can, and with patience, trust, and guidance from the therapist, hopefully they will get to the point in their therapy where they can share most anything with their therapist.

I wonder sometimes if things Grohol refers to as ‘lies’ might well not be described as such by the client. The client might actually believe them (at least in part) when they are saying them. Dissociation might come into this a little… I think that ‘untruths’ can reveal truths similarly to how ‘fantasies’ and ‘desires’ can reveal truths. In fact… Perhaps ‘untruthful’ content is spoken in an attempt to reveal deep truths on an emotional or metaphoric level.

Metaphors are (strictly speaking) lies
Yet untruths truely reveal desires / fantasies / fears

I think it is about always, always, always, attempting to interpret such that both the client and therapist retain their dignity.

Is the problem that you think you can’t help someone who lies?
Or that lying will impede progress?
I don’t see why it will inevitably do that…

The author is clueless in another respect, some therapist do make judgments and once you sense their judgment you know there are certain subjects you can’t discuss honestly with them. Period.

I’ve seen six therapist over the years for varying lengths of time. My current therapist for instance does not approve of drinking. Her disapproval is obvious and palpable.

I guess I think this is a genuine attempt to understand. I’ve been really interested to hear peoples responses to this thread, actually. Really interesting.

I guess it takes quite a lot of theoretical knowledge / sophistication to sort the ’significant’ things that one ’should’t omit’ from the ‘insignificant’ things that don’t really matter. I mean… A therapist knows that if you drink alchohol then you probably will feel a bit low afterwards. Not all clients know that, however, and since they don’t know that it is significant they might well omit the fact that they drink prior to their lows.

Aside from that… There are a lot of people who struggle with issues around being believed, yeah. And then there are people who have the experience of having to interpret objective events as being rather extreme (or ‘objectively’ traumatic) in order for them to feel that their distress is legitimate / valid.

Then there are the people with identify confusion who worry a lot about how they are representing / misrepresenting themself. There are some clients who constantly feel like they are misrepresenting / lying because they simply don’t know what they feel / think because they have never been given the opportunity to figure that out.

Sometimes therapy can be about practicing different ways of being… Misrepresentations / lies, maybe… But something that needs to happen on the way to figuring out who one really is (like how children need to play).

While I agree that it is counterproductive for a patient to lie to a therapist, I believe Dr. Grohol’s ideas, or at least this essay, are very shortsighted about the problem. Would the good doctor as easily admit to his mechanic that he drives 80 miles per hour down the city streets, and slams his breaks to a squealing stop at every red light, but he can’t understand why his brakes are failing and he’s getting no gas mileage? Or would he just go in with a dumb look and shrug his shoulders like the rest of us?

When a patient seeks therapy (as I have a number of times) he or she is taking the first of many, many small steps toward recovery. He or she is NOT going to walk in and say, “Hey, I don’t know you at all but let me tell you all of the horrible things I do wrong in my life, and where they all come from, even though I’m not even sure if I want to change.” Only after months, or maybe years of tackling smaller problems (”I can’t stand how angry I get when my kids forget to pick up their dirty towels”) and getting comfortable with a therapist will the patient begin to work on the really heavy stuff that underlies the more trivial issues.

And as for therapists not being judgemental, that is such a ridiculously simplistic, even naive view of the profession, I almost wonder if Dr. Grohol lives in Mayberry. My local phone book has 10 pages for psychotherapists. This is big business. There are not even two columns devoted to shoe cobblers. I’m not trying to belittle the profession, but it seems an awful lot of people go into the therapy business, and its doubtful they are all so gallant and compassionate as Dr. Grohol seems to think the should be. Not everyone is cut out to be a therapist. But who’s gonna stop them?

I sometimes justify my lack of complete candor with my therapist as an excuse not to talk about it at that time. I assume the truth will eventually come out as our relationship progresses. I do worry about being judged even though my therapist has never given me a reason to worry. I believe he is just as human as I and I judge frequently. Lastly, sometimes i give morsels of the truth and see if he can guess the rest. I am not always certain of the truth and his guesses give me a lot to think about.

I think we lie to a psychatrist/theraptist it is hard to bring up a hard expereince in life. As well some issues in life they are hard to explain. As one is cutting on their arm

Of course it’s much easier to talk to your mechanic. There are physical repercussions if you don’t–your car might break down on the highway and cause an accident. Same with your physician–if you don’t tell her where it hurts, she can’t alleviate your pain and you’ll continue to suffer.

Lying to your therapist just doesn’t have the same immediate ramifications. And it can always be reversed by fessing up in a future session.

Which brings up another point: You see both mechanic and physician infrequenty. If you want help, you have to act in the moment. The relationship with a therapist is much, much different. It can take months to develop a rapport with someone to whom you are baring your innermost thoughts and emotions. It’s more personal and so more risky.

Frankly, what I can’t understand or wrap my head around is that Dr. Grohol doesn’t understant that dynamic. I wonder … Is there any chance that part of the blame lies with the practitioner for failing to develop a relationship in which the client/patient feels he or she feels safe enough to be totally open and honest?

Why lie to your therapist? Because if a patient mentions suicidal thoughts in any detail, the therapist locks you up or has the potential to lock you up. That gives the patient lots of positive reinforcement to lie to the therapist after the patient has lost his or her freedom and been locked up for being honest.. A patient may feel that he/she cannot trust the therapist with any suicidal thoughts anymore. Although therapists describe therapy as a collaborative relationship, in the end the therapist has the power and he/she has the discretion to use it in what he/she think “is the best interest of the patient”. Often the therapists’ motives are not so pure. They fear litigation; they have had a personal bad experience with a patient that makes them overreact to suicidal thoughts; they rationalize that the patient is in no state to determine whether the patient is suicidal, so they have to step in. The patient thereafter learns hard lessons about what to tell and what not to tell.

As a client, I did a lot of thinking about truth telling in the therapeutic relation. I agree that therapeutic improvement is hindered when the client hides knowledge pertinent to the therapy. However I’m stunned that most of the comments, and the writer, take it that the therapist is a fixed entity, who can, and likely will in most cases, accept the patient’s truth telling. That’s not it at all! Therapy is a dynamical relationship between two human beings, not between some objective god and a falliable human! I discovered that there were layers and layers to truth telling in therapy, and that I needed the therapist to tell the truth, not to hide behind professional screens, as well. Just like any complex moral and emotional relationship, therapy is a dance of two minds, two moralities. The therapist and client have different roles, but it is a dance. I found therapy to be hampered not only when I held back something that needed to be revealed, looked at, but when the therapist coasted on her role, and held back her own truths. I’m not talking about family secrets here…there’s a sincerity and authenticity needed in straight talk…on both ends. I finally quit therapy when I discovered that my therapist was hiding a weakness in herself that had directly to do with how she modeled health to me, which come down to it, wasn’t healthy enough to help me at that point. What a shock that was. I think it’s condescending, actually, to presume that truth telling isn’t extremely necessary on the part of both conversants. Therapists aren’t gods. They’re trained, experienced partners in moral, mental and emotional exploration and restructuring. Their ability to challenge themselves, in a healthy way, to conduct their role in a professional and authentic way, and I stress authenticity, is absolutely as necessary as truth telling on the client’s part. Once you peel back the first layer of telling the truth, there’s certainly more work to do.

This article completely invalidates the pain and discomfort that the client is feeling. It is often because of years of struggling to deal with a traumatic incident, or an entire childhood full of invalidation (such as can be found in this article), that a client can find him or herself in psychotherapy.
A well-known fact (among the professional psychotherapists) that is little acknowledged to the general public is that therapists CAN and DO pass judgment; it is called countertransference. Therapists are not automatons incapable of hurt and negativity, and when someone who has been suffering to the point that they are seeking a professional to help them out, I would say that person may feel the need to be careful because they are so vulnerable to being further hurt. And if the therapist is fully qualified and well educated, then he or she should be able to provide an environment of comfort and trust. They went to school for that, didn’t they?

I’ve lied to my therapist because I’ve done something that shock me and I can’t believe I’m the kind of person who would do this. I can’t really comprehend that the reality of who I actually am can, at times, be so different from who I thought I was. When I talk to my therapist and he doesn’t know…. for a while, I get to be who I was again… the “good” person who hasn’t shamed herself… and I think, “maybe I can be that person again. Maybe I can find her”

I don’t think you will find a therapist who has succeeded in NEVER judging a client or who has NEVER taken a bit of time to figure out their counter-transference response is precisely that. (While you might find some who deny that they have ever done this - these are the ones who lack self-awareness who I’d be sure to stay well clear of).

Therapists are human too.

The good ones… They still flinch at times. From some of the things I say, from some of the things I’ve done. What makes a good one good (with me) is that we have enough emotional attunement and trust such that the misattunement / disgust / repulsion / judgement is momentary and will pass and there will be moments of attunement again. That there is basically a mutual respect and liking.

The only way to establish that is to take some time.

I’m not going to blurt things I’m very vulnerable about before the therapist has shown me that the therapist has the professional ability, self stability, and empathy to cope with / handle what it is that I want to tell them. How come? Because I’ve had many therapists - who are typically regarded as competent) not handle things well. Basically… Trust has to be EARNED. Merely being called ‘psychologist’ or ‘psychiatrist’ is not enough to earn my trust. How come? Because I’ve met many a competent therapist who lacks the ability to appropriately understand / empathize / cope.

Some therapists lie to clients, too. ‘I’ll never leave you’ - a promise that can’t be kept. ‘I’ll email / call you’ - and then they don’t. Why do therapists lie to clients, do you suppose? Other things too ‘I see what you mean’ a validating strategy that might have emotional truth even when the therapist doesn’t follow the content at all. ‘I don’t think you are disgusting’ just after you have observed them visibly recoil and move suddenly from sitting forward to sitting back in their chair with legs crossed.

Is fear of judgment or embarrassment the only reason why a person would lie to their therapist? I think not! In the VA (Veterans Administration) system the therapist is free to write what they want regardless of whether or not it is true. Errors and intentional misdiagnosis are frequent as it is in the best interest of the VA to lie about a diagnosis rather than compensate a veteran for their service. Also, as mentioned previously, being open about any suicidal ideation is sure to get one locked up w/no promise of treatment–at least in the VA system. When a therapist (or an organization) has their own agenda, how can they be expected to tell the truth/act in the best interest of their patient?

Oh, c’mon! I haven’t tended to lie to my therapists–nothing to do w/fear or not of being judged. But I’ve certainly have encountered any number of therapists who were judgmental–and that’s not being paranoid. Indeed, my favorite example is the therapist (probably the best, most professional one I’ve had), who after my major suicide attempt, the first thing he had to say to me after I got out of the closed ward and came back for an appointment was, “How could you do this to me?”! As if I did it to him???

Why would you go to a therapist who expects you NOT to lie. One would be foolish to disclose to an individual who may or may not be qualified to treat you. Therapists are not gods; their training and expertise varies; they have different boundaries with patients even within the existing legal and ethical norms and laws.

Victim of childhood abuse and neglect have a damn good reason not to trust and disclose — nondisclosure to family and friends may have protected them and allowed them to survive. Yes, at some point defense mechanisms become self-defeating, but to think that one would abandon old patterns so easily is foolish at best, malpractice at worse.

The author compares therapy to visiting his “Old French Doctor.” That’s a nice metaphor on the surface, but psychological injury, unlike physical ones are not socially acceptable. We live in a society whose mantra is “pull yourself up by the bootstrap.” It is a victory for many to even get into a therapist office. That’s the starting point with a good therapist of an unfolding of truths that may take some time. Trust must be built; the therapist is supposed to gently push and pry.

As someone who has suffered from substantial childhood abuse and neglect, the road from the depths of depression and the agony of panic disorder, has been a long and expense one. There was no easy cures; there were few simple disclosures of what went wrong.

A good therapeutic relationship, especially for those who have suffered significant childhood trauma is about building trust and negotiating boundaries — something that often did not happen when one was a child.

And let’s not forget the simple fact that many therapists, like many doctors and teachers, while degreed and licensed are simply not that good. They don’t merit full disclosure, but do merit the protective shield of an occasional lie.

Some patients have problems disclosing the truth because they don’t know what the truth is, or why it would behoove them to tell the truth.

Many of them were forced to keep secrets for years, and before they begin to explore these secrets, which they have often repressed, they need to develop a high level of trust.

Developing trust takes time and some patients can watch and wait for years before developing the requisite level of trust.

A relationship is a two way street, even in, or perhaps I should say, especially in therapy. Therapists who fail to understand that dynamic often have patients who don’t do very well in the long run.

I have expeirencedthe fact of “NO ONE LISTENS”. I have been in therapy myself for many years and there have been times that even when I didtotal get honest, it did not seem to help. There was no futher help, is what I mean. I am now studying psyc and love it a lot. I have no had an easy life like most people and a lot of emotional trauma, which has rolled down hill to my children. It has taken years to get where I am today and today I am as honest as I know how to be. I don’t have any true answers for others but I have found that perception is a big key in thinkingand knowing.

“Your therapist won’t judge you” Ha. I’m an LCSW and completed my internships at a highly regarded mental health clinic and then an inpatient psychiatric unit. Therapists may be very respectful in their manner when with clients, but John, you are disingenuous when you pretend that therapists are not judgemental or critical. In staff meetings and at conversations at lunch etc. in both places, and in subsequent emploment, I have heard LOTS of mockery, disgust, condescension, irritation, contempt and plenty of just plain gossip about patients among mental health professionals. The psychiatrists I somehow have found to be the most cavalier, but lousy attitudes were there in social workers and psychologists as well. And it wasn’t everyone.
As a social worker in therapy myself, I would never tell a therapist my darkest secrets until I felt very certain trust, which would take time, and I would never disclose anything very private at an institution where my case would be discussed and charted. Get real. We disclose humiliating physical ailments because the are not generally a result of agency and are not subject to moral evaluation etc. You know that. Trust is something that a psychotherapist must earn, not demand. That’s part of what we get paid for.

People lie because they want to be loved and feel unlovable. People lie because they are seeking the approval they never got from their parents. People lie because they are in ‘denial’. People lie unconsciously. This list is not exhaustive. I regularly counsel couples, often separately and hear subtly different versions of the same events. What is the truth anyway? Hopefully one of the benefits of the therapeutic process is for the subject to get closer to the truth about themselves, others and the world and thereby lead a richer, happier and more fulfilled life.

Simon Ehlert
Online Therapist

When I have had difficulty discussing an issue that was either embarrassing or on which I thought my therapist might pass judgment (though I must say I’ve been terribly lucky that I’ve never come across one who did), I would tell my therapist that there was something I needed to talk about that was really hard to say…that was embarassing, or might make him/her think I was really “sick.” Suffice it to say that a truly quality therapist will never feel this way; they’ve heard EVERYTHING by the time they’ve practiced for five years! Interestingly, I would often wait until the last two minutes of my session to say this, because I’d been trying so hard NOT to utter a word that would reveal I was withholding something…and the anxiety would build. I would ask my therapist to make a note for our next session to ASK me about what was so tough to bring up at the last.

A perfect scenario: erotic or even XXX-rated thoughts that I, as a female, could not begin to discuss with my male therapist. Ultimately, we were able to talk about them, and he did not pass judgment, or laugh. Because he did genuinely care about me, his patient. And THAT’s the perfect therapist/patient relationshp. Good luck finding one. This has been the most difficult task in my life…ever since my therapist of 20 years closed his practice.

Please do not assume that it is always intentional for a patient when s/he is “withholding,” something, thereby “lying” by omission. Some subjects are just too painful to bring up. It can take a long time before the patient trusts the therapist, to be able to fall apart in front of someone…. Some people think they are like Humpty Dumpty…and will never be able to become one piece again once they vomit up the agonizing stuff.
Yes, there are people who lie to their therapists…. There will always be people who lie about everything. Eventually, if there is enough pain, the lies will become tranformed or be somatisized into physical symtoms…and believe me, those cannot be hidden because that is the kind of pain with which we are used to dealing.

i doubt most people who do so actually *want* to lie to their therapists. a dozen reasons spring to mind- a person can inability to face or even genuinely recognize problems in some way, which is probably what the person is at the therapist for…or they could actually forgetting or repressing certain details. someone might even fear a response just like this article- oh why didn’t you tell me this sooner, you are wasting our time, etc. fear like that is powerful and, again, one of many reasons someone would seek out a therapist in the first place.

What you say is, of course, sensible. It is sometimes the case, however, that if the truth came out (an alcoholic doctor or lawyer, for example) there might be severe consequences. What if your patient abuses his/her children? You are obliged to report them. Then what happens to their careers? I think fear of other people finding out is legitimate. Who has access to your case notes? Telling the truth is desirable in therapy, but scary!

Therapists lie. They reveal private information. They attempt to coerce patients into illicit sexual activity. They don’t listen and they do fall asleep. Have seen it all first hand.

I am starting to wind down my “therapy” - it never did really work. It was a temporary patch for dealing with the death of someone in a very unusual situation. The therapist does not want to admit that situation was going on. I don’t have alcoholism, drug history, suicide, purging, or any of the “classic” symptoms that shrinks love.

I’m trying to figure out how to get on w/my life and am finding no help at all. (Medical issues are involved.) Therapists are in some situations quite jealous. I feel no support. In fact, the 7 years have in some ways been more harmful than helpful. I suspect a coach might be more helpful but I can’t afford it. An MD I’ve known for 20 + years (not in mental health) was ultimately far more helpful to me than any coniving therapist. With that doc I made amazing progress in my life.

After reading this, I am now more certain than ever that so-called therapists cannot be trusted and shouldn’t be.

I see some very defensive and judgemental “therapists” on this thread.

If you don’t understand why people lie to their therapists, then I sure am glad you’re not my therapist.

It doesn’t help to lie outright to your therapist.

But a patient has a perfect right to refuse to talk about anything, for any reason whatsoever, just because he or she feels like it.

Sure, it might help the patient, but since when is that the controlling factor? Any medical patient can refuse any medical treatment. Why doesn’t a mental health patient have the same right?

I think respect for a patient’s rights should trump some therapist’s personal burning desire to hear everything about a patient’s life. Who knows? Maybe the patient is right.

I recall approaching a therapist for some very specific help. He barely paid attention to my request, and kept urging me to talk about what was “really on my mind.” There was nothing else on my mind, but even if there were, it is none of his business. I refused, and the guy just wouldn’t give it up. So after about five sessions of stalemate, I left. I thought he was very unprofessional. I may never seek therapy again.

You lie to your therapist because you’re ashamed of something, or disgusted, or whatever - and you don’t want them to think less of you.

A therapist can become one of the most important people in your life. You may feel that he or she will think less of you if you admit to certain things, not understanding that these particular things are likely what you most need to be truthful about.

It’s human nature. If you went to your mechanic with a dent from, say, hitting a dog, you might lie about how it got there. If you go to the doctor, you might be vague about exactly what’s troubling you, because you don’t want to admit to having VD, erectile dysfunction, or other things. Of course it’s unhelpful to do this, but… we’re all subject to our foibles.

I tried several therapists before I found the one I’ve been seeing for years. Some of them were not compatible or were not professional. One woman actually scoffed when I told her I was having trouble getting out of bed right after I told her I’d been suffering from clinical depression for years. Needless to say, I never saw that therapist again.

If I have something difficult or embarrassing to say to my therapist, I send it to her in a letter. That way, she has the information and we can discuss it, but I didn’t have to say it to her face.

Sometimes people lie or play games because they are in a defensive mode. Therapy is hard work and it can feel quite scary to reveal your true feelings. But I absolutely agree that the only way to make progress is to be honest. It’s also about being honest with yourself, about coming to terms with who you are and who you could be.

I lie to my therapist because I don’t want him to send me to the hospital.

Also to have more control over my medication. I believe therapists aren’t willing to experiment enough.

Lastly, when I started therapy my parents forced me to participate. Of course I was going to lie; what if my parents found out?

Mostly, I’m afraid of losing control of my own private thoughts; when you delve that deeply, you feel violated. Lying is a way to maintain some control in the relationship.

I have been in therapy for many years with the same psychiatrist. The issues have been very serious and she has helped me a great deal over this period of time. I sincerely
believe that lying (by omission) was a very important part of the therapeutic process until I trusted her..The therapist never exists in a vacuum. They are a potential parent, teacher, mentor, spiritual advisor,
or even tormenter (if that’s what you need to project onto them). What happens after years of therapy with someone you have relied upon and trusted? Sometimes you lie so that the relationship will not end.

I regret NOT lying to my therapist.

When I filed a grievance against this pompous, man who’d tried to manipulate me into staying under his incompetent care, he used what I told him to make me look “difficult,” and win his case.

“Your therapist won’t judge you, and they won’t be embarrassed by what you tell them.”
To me, this is a statement right out of never-never land.

Therapy damages many people.

I think the lying comes into play when your not fully trusting your therapist, or think your therapist isn’t competent enough to understand or help with your problem. Not all therapist can be seen in a shining light.

Also, somethings are just personal. It’s hard to tell someone you barely know something very personal or traumatic. It’s difficult and for some may be embarrassing. Therapy isn’t about spilling your guts on the first session, it’s about slowly building a relationship so that you may one day trust that person enough to tell them how your really feeling, and what is really going on.

Now, some people do lie to their therapist because with certain issues they do not want help. That’s fine, they can’t force you to get help. When your ready to face that problem then you’ll do it. It takes time.

Yes, I lie to my therapist. Why? Because I don’t want help with certain issues at the moment, and I don’t think it’s any of her business. I’m not comfortable with sharing every waking detail of my life with her. I’m a very private person, and asking me to share my personal thoughts seems noisy.

To be honest, most therapist seem like they just want to hear my dirty secrets and put me on meds to “cure” me. They want to judge me and tell me what is right for me. I know whats right for me, and they barely know me. An hour weekly isn’t enough to get to know someone.

Why do i *lie* to my therapist? because i’m scared to talk about what’s real, because i don’t really trust him, and am not sure i want to try to trust him, and because it’s easier for me.

Is it getting me anywhere?
No.

Am i going to stop *lying*?
No, but I’m going to go back to a therapist I saw until my insurance stopped covering her, since insurance has started covering her again.
The only reason I’m seeing this guy, is because it has been, until now, one of the only options i had.

I wonder if the word lie is being confused with not telling. There may be a reason. I have gone to a local clinic in a small town, and am at times sorry I ever started. I left an extremely abusive relationship,after several years, but had to remain in town for a time, and have been horribly penalized by the abuser, the community in which he lives, and two counselors. I have been dismissed, ignored, accused of behavior that I was not doing, asked to accept further abusive behavior by the abusers ‘friend’, given advice to follow which went against my better judgement and training from what I have read and learned, …..and paid the penalty for it. One of the counselors in a no uncertain way, LIED to me-3 times. The other seems to have NO knowledge of abuse or the harrassment that comes from abusive relationships or leaving one, in their training. Nor does he desire to learn, it would not be good for the abusor ro the town. Perhaps the term incompetent, noncareing, and predatory is a better phrase to use, when it comes to certain counselors not accepting what happened in this small town. I find it better to ask light questions, more as a second to my thoughts outcome-then the heavy healing questions and insights needed which are best left to the another counselor, of which one I sometimes go to, and also to the self healing that comes with time, the reading, the internal qustioning, and the distance from the relationship. Document all abuse and harrassment by others, and NEVER have contact with the abuser, unless it is from a lawyer. Leave the area, make contact with the higher ups in the community, and ALWAYS come from a position of absolute strength,ie the lawyer,judge, police, because the abuser is most certainly trying to take you down-no matter where, what or who, it takes.