Having spent more time than usual with my family and several friends over the holidays, I’ve heard a lot about relationship woes. Every relationship goes through hard times, but if you’ve already mentally planned out the packing necessary to send back the items your lover has left at your place during the course of your relationship, it may be times to call it quits. However, if you are still clinging to hope, despite the fact that your relationship barely survived the holidays, you may want to consider the following advice from Terrance Real, of the Relational Life Institute in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Real believes that most men and women think that romantic relationships have to be spontaneous in order to be successful, “You’ve got to duke it out with your partner and help them rise to the occasion.”
Real also thinks that there are new rules for relationships in the 21st century; there are all new standards that didn’t apply to our parents’ relationships and many people are ill-equipped to follow these new rules. He is also a big believer in the fact that people select mates that they think will provide in ways that their parents could not. When our partner doesn’t provide in the manner we think they should we are miserable. Often, Real states, this results in the following strategies in order to deal with our unhappiness:
- Being right
- Controlling their partner
- Unbridled self-expression
- Retaliation
- Withdrawing
Mr. Real offers the following suggestions for how to deal with the unhappiness we may be experiencing in a relationship, instead of just exploding on our partner;
- Go after what you want. But before you open your mouth, ask yourself: “What do I really want right now?”
- Complain constructively. Don’t complain to your partner about what he isn’t giving you. You must shift the negative into a positive. “Every complaint is really a wish,” says Real. “Better to cut out the complaint and get right to the wish.’I’m mad at the way you talk to me’ translates into ‘I would really like it if you could talk to me this way.’”
- Listen and respond generously. “Neither men nor women feel listened to,” Real finds. Men commonly feel unappreciated. “They want someone to listen, pat them on the head for how hard they’re working, and tell them what a good job they’re doing.”
- Empower one another. Anger, says Real, regularly stems from helplessness. “If you’re walking around angry, it’s often because you’re trying to control some thing and it’s not cooperating. The way to be less angry is to let go of your control.”
- Cherish what you have. “Keep your eyes on the prize,” says Real. “Remember the person you’re speaking to is someone you love. If you can’t remember that because you are too angry and hurt at the moment, at least remember you have to live with them.”
I found Reals’ advice to particularly helpful; however, I’ll throw in a couple of bits of advice from my own experience. After the first fight in a relationship, it gets easier and easier to argue — people also become less inhibited in what they say to their partner during these arguments. This can result in one partner or both partners becoming extremely hurtful during the course of an argument, including resorting to name-calling and attacking the other person’s character. Exploding on someone is a choice; if you value your relationship don’t resort to these tactics, it will cause your partner to feel devalued and may significantly negatively impact their self-esteem.
In addition, I put a lot of stock in the old cliché “chose your battles wisely.” The next time you are preparing for a 20 minute blow-out about a raised toilet seat, unmade bed or burnt toast, ask yourself if it’s worth the trouble. If you chose to argue about every petty little happening, when you really have an important thing to discuss, your partner may not take the issue seriously. He/she may think you are “crying wolf” again, bringing up an issue which is just another one of your silly complaints. If your partner thinks the issue isn’t anymore important to you then a raised toilet seat, it’s unlikely that he/she will want to take it seriously enough to have a productive argument.
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Consejos para cuidar la pareja: cómo hacerla funcionar sin soluciones mágicas (1/15/2008)
4 Comments to
“Salvage your relationship…maybe”
As I was reading this article I really found myself understanding and putting myself in the same situation but I do know that is true in relationships you need to be able pick your battles but also be ok to walk away if it just isn’t working.
I suffer from depression and when I am in a relationship I need my partner to be understanding and help out with things not just take the easy road but sometimes when I am going through one of my down cycles I find myself fighting more and then I am at a loss not really putting together the two until I talked with insighpros.com and reading other article like this one and then understanding the reasoning behind it and then changing it.
What has helped me in my marriage is seperating my wife’s behaviour from who she is as a person. It is much easier to keep the discussion on what I need for her to do or not to do. The other rule that has worked for me and others is to never to use ‘you’ messages. By staying with I need or want is much more productive than you need to do this or that. It does reduce the threat of criticism.
Thanks for this overview of Terrance Real’s new book and your insights about family. I’ve been dealing with these issues from the point of view of a man actively dealing with major depression. Real’s new book is aimed at a broader audience, but I find the wisdom of his book on male depression, I Don’t Want to Talk About It, the key to working things through in my marriage. There just isn’t any substitute for coming to terms with the inner battles, achieving a kind of peace with oneself, and then trying to rebuild the key relationship with your partner. If a man is not dealing with depression, he still has to become self-aware of the habits instilled from learning the social roles of an American male - especially not talking about feelings - before getting free of the control issues you refer to.
JohnD
We’ve been dating for 8 mths now, I’m 32 and he’s 44.Before this, I was in a 7-yr relationship before we decided to be friends.
No doubt,it is difficult dating someone who’s gone through a lot of negative endings.Men often think that that must have the upper hand.My response to that is: Let him have it! Arguments die down, love is still there. YOu cannot change men, but you can facilitate him to become better through patience & love. Become the person you want your man to love you as.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Jan 2008
