This is a letter to the editor of my local paper that wasn’t published. Slightly modified to be more global.
“Hurry up, you fat f***ing bitch,” said the young man. His companion mewed obediently and walked faster. Another woman in a trendy outfit said nothing. We were strangers walking along a sidewalk and I didn’t confront the guy then, but if I fail to say something to a wider audience now, it would border on complicity. Stop the silence to end the violence, right?
First, she wasn’t fat. But all mean kids and abusers know that the easiest way to hurt a young woman’s self-esteem is to attack her body image, especially with that cruel three-letter “f” word. It’s verbal abuse in our thin-obsessed culture. The other two words he called her are just more obviously abusive.
Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical or sexual violence–the American Psychological Association classifies all three as wartime torture methods. In their daily wars women come to view themselves as worthless and powerless and internalize the loathing. They may develop serious medical problems like depression, anorexia/bulimia, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, substance abuse and more, all while afraid to leave the abuser. A woman is ten times more likely to be murdered by her abuser in the six months after she leaves him. Those threats are dead serious, and they’re a means of control that answer the common and naïve question, “Why doesn’t she just leave him?”
Transition shelters like the one in my community are vital. They provide physical security and protection, help to see and break cycles of abuse, referrals to counselling and services, and best of all, they offer true caring. It takes time to heal but it starts with a first step and a shelter may be the only one to take.
Female murder victims are most often killed by their male partners whether or not they try to leave, including acts of murder-suicide in which children are killed too. Even if kids aren’t killed or abused, seeing abuse in the home is deeply traumatizing.
So, Mr. Sidewalk, maybe you had an upbringing like that if the only way you know how to prop up your ego is by abusing/controlling people with less physical and societal power. I hope you’ll seek out psychotherapy to heal. I don’t hate you but I do hate your actions and they’re unacceptable in our community.
But, Ms. Abused, it’s you I’m most worried about. Please call the [local shelter's hotline] to talk about moving forward into mental health and away from its corrosion. You DO deserve better. Each human has inherent worth and nobody is entitled to damage it. Just call; hotline staffers begin with where you’re at, and won’t judge or pressure you.
And, Ms. Silent Friend, I hope you will be there when she needs support. Just be a good friend and listen. Tell her why you think she’s great and why the abuse is not okay. Laugh, smile and have healthy fun together. Women need to help other women, for if not who else will?
Stop the silence, end the violence.
***
On December 6, 1989 a gunman went on a shooting spree in a university to kill female engineering students explicitly because he hated feminists. 14 women died in what’s known as the Montreal Massacre. In Canada this date is the National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women, but Canada’s issues are not unique. UNIFEM.org does great work around global ills like rape, “honour” killings, forced female circumcision, human trafficking and more. If you have a little more time, watch a terrific video that debunks myths and explains what’s actually involved in the psychology of domestic violence.
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9 Comments to
“Domestic Violence”
If you want to connect Marc Lepine with Domestic violence, see his dad beating him, because he did. Because he (the dad) was beaten.
His father had been abused and abused him. Marc’s Parents were divorced because his dad rubbed his genitals on other women (as at parties) and had kids outside the marriage.
Marc had very limited contact with men and very limited good male role models.
Marc Lepine had been rejected by the Army, because they saw him as antisocial.
He didn’t collect porn. He did collect war images (movies, books). He had very low self-esteem, was withdrawn, and hid under a baseball cap.
Lepine’s mother did get a Big Brother for him (I assume from Big Bros / Big Sisters), but that was not counseling. The boy had been beaten, and needed counseling.
In Junior college, he had a slow start but excelled, but then he quit as graduation approached. (fear of success?)
He was passed over for entrance in an engineering program, and a girl got “his spot,” which infuriated him. He had “something to prove” and did so with violence.
Lepine’s rampage speaks less about hatred for women (although he was jealous of women and hated them enough to murder) than it does about a kid who was raised with violence and did not get help.
It also speaks about his role models: the men he knew of (other than his BB for 3 years) were violent, as his father was, or were warriors in movies.
(Most of this was gleaned from Legalizing Misandry, Nathanson & Young)
And all of this justifies the mass murder of 14 women? December 6 is a day of remembrance for them, not a pity party for poor Marc.
In addition, it’s not exactly “misandry” to be appalled at such a heinous crime against women.
I loved your article; It was right on the money.
I am a victim, a survivor,. an expert if you will, with many experiences.I fully intend to help show women they can and will survive Not only survive but prosper and have purpose and to believe in themselves. There are demons among us, they come in the form of abusers, addicts, alcoholics and narcissists.
I have had two of each! LOL Faith concurs all believe it!!
There is a Women’s Awareness/Empowerment Conference May 17th, 2008! This will be a powerful event! This is conference is being brought to you by ACTS/Turning Points along with Liletta Thompson.
There will be:
Live performances
Authors
Speakers (guest speaker Carolyn Thomas aka the Lady without a Face)
Newspaper & Radio Coverage
Health and Fitness info
Financial Management
Diabetes Awareness
Cancer Awareness
Pfizer (the #1 pharmaceutical company)
Department of Health
Department of Social Services
Fashion Show
Poets
Bessie Winn Miss Georgia USA 2006 (has been named as the host)
and many many more!
Vendors are still being accepted
ACTS/Turning Points is a tax exempt non profit organization!
Thanks Liletta! Who else will appear? Keep me posted.
Where is this conference? I am certainly interested.
Here’s where you can find more info about the conference, which will be in Woodbridge, Virginia:
http://www.2008womensawarenessconference.org/
Looks like it will be a powerful event.
I was googling domestic verbal abuse and this column came up. I was soon disappointed to see where it was heading.
I’m a man who lives with the constant derision of a woman I love. Why is it so hard to find information when it is a woman who is seeking that abusive control? Why is it so hard to believe? Because of all of the jokes about how wives/girlfriends are supposed to nag?
I pray for the strength to confront her about it but then she starts implicating the fact that she would take the kids if it ever came to splitting up. And, statistically, she’s right.
Blah, blah blah. Anyway. That’s all. Just disappointed to see that it’s always men who are the assholes.
Yes, I know your story was regarding a specific event. But your tone wasn’t.
This is not new to anybody. Abusing is an act of a person that seems there’s no affection to his brothers or sister. Payday loans get bad press, and most of it is not warranted. There are positive ways of thinking about the industry, and there are so many people out there who have used them responsibly and have positive stories to tell. One such testimonial is this one here: it is about a woman who entered into a marriage with a man who turned out to be completely removed from the man she thought that he was. Like a lot of people, she was stuck in a completely unhealthy relationship, and she needed to get out of there. Like a lot of people, there was no way she could get out without some sort of emergency funds. With the help and support of her friends, and a fast payday loan or two, she was able to get out of this bad situation and get a new lease on life.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 7 Dec 2007
