Ironically? There was an instance this Holiday at Thanksgiving when my sister offered a rude, cruel, mean, and hurtful response to what was to me a significant several actions in our family. When I confronted my Mom about whom these remarks referred she said “don’t listen to your sister.” My case manager and doctors/therapists offered “had she been drinking?” Of course I am riddled with guilt about even speaking or going over these thoughts which are plaguing me for days and even a week now. This article helped me put it into perspective somewhat.

I see that guilt is almost mastefully made release or detactchment from whatever behavior or indicent, offense ect,…causing
you the guilt to now see what you might not have at all at a crucial moment with a loved one. The great thing, at least n most cases is that guilt is truly felt and highly trained professionals can detect this. However too much guilt or un pratical reactrions to guilt that never cease can prove to be destructive.
Guilt also allows the most severemanipulator to turn it on like a non human link tt omeet other .

Let us not forget the differnce between feeling quily and feeling shame. To acknowledge that one has broken a rule or failed to maintain a standard is very different than feeling oneself is flawed and wrong. Being shame-based can totally destroy any self-esteem a person might have. (or could have had)

I thought this article was useless. The opening quote, “It’s amazing how quickly guilt can kick in for the smallest, most meaningless things in our lives,” led me to believe that this was going to be an article about coping with irrational guilt. Ie: the meaningless things that trigger guilt. Instead, the article was about listening to healthy guilt. While that may have been a useful topic, the introduction was misleading, and I think that this article appearing on a mental health website and not a “dealing with stress” website was inappropriate. Personally my issue is “irrational guilt,” and that’s what I expected to read about.

This is an important topic and I would like to hear more on: the distinction between what is appropriate and inappropriate guilt varies depending on one’s cultural and social context. Also guilt may be appropriate as an early warning sign, but not appropriate in its intensity or duration in a particular circumstance. Guilt (appropriate or not) can be used as a weapon or a distraction in an interaction, which is not a constructive way to resolve problems.

Cinda Hocking, MSW
Internal Energy Plus Consultant
http://cindahocking.blogspot.com

Why should something so useless be a bother, I have never felt guilt for more than a day and that was more or less just the feeling about getting caught doing something I more than likely should not have done, but after a day, I rarely thought about what ever it was again. So I just say ignore guilt altoghter since it is a waste of time and energy.

What happens if the thing that you’ve done to cause the guilt is irreversible? It’s possible to apologize, but not actually make amends?

Why is it that a recovring alcholic (myself) feels guilty about not following my mothers religion. I’ve be sober for 4 years and my concience keeps haunting me. The reason I drank was to get away from religion; and now that I stopped drinking religion haunts me.

Is it possible to feel really guilty about a mistake, but then keep making it? I have made the same mistake 3 times now, and feel guiltier every time I do it, so you’d think I would learn a lesson. I am to the point now where I am having nightmares, and extreme anxiety, but even though I have been dealing with the dreams and such for a couple months now, I did it again while drunk this weekend. I can’t tell anyone about it, so maybe that is making the guilt worse, but I want to be able to learn from my mistakes and move on, and I don’t know how to convince myself I have paid enough for what I have done (cause I am getting off pretty scot-free from a social perspective.) On top of feeling guilty, I am constantly worried someone will find out. What would anyone recommend in this situation? How is guilt useful now?

OK, so, we’ve touched on the guilt that we feel when we’ve done something subjectively “bad”, “hurtful”, or “wrong”. Normal human emotions are not so floppy and one-dimensional; guilt is a broad spectrum emotional reaction. What about predatory guilt? How do you cope with the guilt that others inflict upon us as a control mechanism?

It’s easy to figure-out why we feel guilty when we’ve obviously done something to merit a guilt response. And, carving-out new channels, making amends, and coping are efficaious only in so much as the guilt response is warranted by our behavior. What if it isn’t? What if guilt is a typical control mechanism of our families when we respond to some slight or injustice they’ve made against us? How do you cope when they subdue you with guilt for responding to that injustice? What are the long-term psychological rammifications to repressing or attempting to ignore those feelings?

i thought this was a good artical. i dont feel better lol but i think with practice of not being a “liberty taker” ill feel better.

i borrowed money and i havent gave it back yet! friends and family and its a considerable amount. even though my intentions were/are good and faithfull. i havent gave it back yet and i feel guilty about taking that liberty.

i also took my brothers shirts and things like that which is the same thing only different situation. “they looked better on me” lol

so ive always had the issuse just never noticed. ive considered myself to be a good example of a person for 21 years until now “im 21″ this is the only bad thing about me that i know of. its a serious one though.

i hope i move on and change this.

knowing my luck ill be wearing pajamas and strolling round sum fucking mental home in 2 years…….lol

neways hope u all get your problems sorted out.

and remember!

we’re “all in the same field”
just down different holes

i made that up myself ay lol

kind reguards sean.

Your entry has given me very practical analogy of guilt feelings am going through. I know now I don,t have to sacrifice myself for mistakes made, but should learn from the experience.

You know..I have been feeling extreme guilt for almost 1.5 years now at the way i ended my ex’s relationship with her.I showed her no respect and she treated me very well but she did have some issues she didn’t deserve to be treated like i treated her.I at the time was in very foul moods and didn’t realize i was having depression problems.and stress issues which led to medication to this day.I know now i must email her and tell her what i think of her which is of only the highest nature and my actions towards her were so very bad not to show her the respect in the end she earned and deserved.all i can say is think about how your mouth will affect other people in the end.although i have learned a very painful lesson and do not act like that anymore i feel i owe her alot.but all i can do is a email.but i guess it’s better than nothing.i don’t know.

this article helped but im going to bite the bullet and tell her, guilt has been eating at me for so long now and its getting me down,
its cost me my relationship but hopefully taught me a lesson

time is the best healer of all pain

What if we did something to an innocent person and there is no way to make amends? What do I do then?

Hello all above,

I am impressed with the number of people and important comments I find in this website. Thanks John for the articles, this is a good way to take advantage of technology to help people.

A suggestion, if I may, is to add a note, right below the title, or some where before the article, stating that these are articles with some limitations regarding how the reader can make use of it to help himself or herself, and how effective they may be depending on the case.

In many cases, economic limitations, distance, shame, etc., prevents people from looking for professional help and try to use self “therapy” applying what articles like this state, sometimes we can, sometimes problems need a professional to help.
As for guilt, sometimes it comes to accept we failed, give an apology, and move on. Long remorse is not a healthy practice.

In any case, this blog is great, and I hope many people are already seeing some benefit.

Best!

Miguel A. Cerna, MA

This didn’t help

Dear John,

Thank you so much for this, it has really helped.

Dear John,
I agree with Christene and “ca”. This article didn’t help me at all. I am being sunk by irrational guilt, guilt of not helping enough around the house, when I actually do just as much if not more than anyone else, guilt from saying no, guilt from not being able to say no, guilt from being too nice, guilt from not being nice enough, guilt from not thinking enough, guilt from overthinking… In other words, my guilt is the type your title refers to, not the type discussed in your article. I’m trying desperately to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and your article only focuses on people who have a pretty damn good reason to feel guilty. What about those of us who try so damn hard to be good, but end up just disappointing everyone we care about? Sorry for dumping on you, but since I feel too guilty to talk about this with my wife or friends, I’ve decided to attack an “unknown” person which lets me feel a little less guilty than if I unloaded this on someone close.
- Geoff

I am living the most guilty moments of my life and I mean it. I really do not think I will ever get over this situation at all. I lost the love of my life my fiancée because I was angry at her and her parents, I said something racial and humiliating about her background and religion. She did forgive me few times but then broke up with me. I do not know how to get over this. I feel that my life stopped and there is nothing I am good for anymore. She definitely think I am a racist. Maybe I am. Does anybody think this is something that I can get over ? I mean this is not different from comitting a murder.

To SL:

Thinking through exactly why you said what you did and then — only after reaching a complete understanding of what really happened — writing a letter to her can help a lot. As long as people are alive, there’s still time; it’s best to make up for things like that and find resolution whenever possible.

In short, there is a reason you said what you did. A long time ago I used to have very racist and hateful thoughts toward other people; they were uncontrollable, and though I wanted them to stop, they kept bombarding me until finally (thank God) they stopped. I don’t think you’re a racist. I for one know I’m not. However, this doesn’t mean that racist thoughts aren’t possible; because ultimately, it has nothing to do with race.

It has to do with a buildup of frustration and stress, which can often be subconscious, and a trigger that unleashes all that torment in a single moment. When I was a child, I got so angry at my dad — a diabetic — and I said I hoped he’d go blind and die of it. As far as I remember I had an awful childhood, but all the things I did when I was so little…I can’t justify it. We say ‘he’s just a kid,’ but I have done so many horrific and irreversible things; I would give anything to be able to go back in time and redo those moments. It’s irreversible now, and coping with facing the consequences of everything I’ve done is just starting to torture me, after so many years of repressing and blocking those memories.

This is why I say, if there is still time, do all you can: if retribution is at all possible, search for it with an open heart, and repent as fully as you can — again, if that’s possible. I’m assuming your fiancee is still available to talk to; if that’s true, I think the healthiest thing would be to let her know of your guilt and your true feelings about the whole situation, and how much this is tormenting you — do not make any excuses. Just be straightforward and honest; forget about your attachment to her, and focus only on her — if you’re sorry for hurting her, making her feel better would naturally be the #1 priority. I trust that you will be able to resolve this situation in due time, with enough courage and effort.

I wronged someone before in a similar way; I wrote her a letter trying to explain everything, but never got a reply, and she refuses to have any contact with me whatsoever. The guilt used to bother me, but how I see it, in being completely willing to make amends for the past, I’m doing my part; I can’t force anyone to do anything, and if they refuse to accept an apology, it’s no longer my concern. Keep your heart warm, and it won’t be affected by other people’s coldness. This is key.

I wish you the best; that has to be an incredibly painful situation, but remember not to lose hope, and neither to lose sight of what you can still do to atone for things you’ve done in the past. I can’t undo what I’ve done in my life, for example, but trying to help other people avoid the mistakes I made is much better than writhing alone in torture. It’s a difficult road to walk, but I will tell you that you’re not alone. Be strong.

Geoff:

“What about those of us who try so damn hard to be good, but end up just disappointing everyone we care about?”

Let me put it this way: I believe we owe people respect and consideration. I’m guilty of avoiding this because of my timid nature/lack of assertiveness: I personally disappoint people because I often make promises when I know I can’t keep them, strictly because I’ll feel bad if I say ‘no.’ My lack of assertiveness leads me to disappoint people because it leads me to be dishonest with people. And it’s ironic, because by not saying ‘no’ I’m attempting not to hurt anyone’s feelings, but in the long run it ends up hurting their feelings much more, and can also make them very angry with me.

That’s one way to disappoint people — making promises you don’t keep out of a fear of saying ‘no’ or feeling like you’re hurting someone’s feelings. This will necessitate some cultivation: it can be very hard to say ‘no’ because we feel like we’re hurting someone’s feelings, but being honest and respectful is 10000 times better than being dishonest and respectful.

It isn’t wrong to tell someone ‘no,’ or to refuse to make promises. I actually think the world would be a much more agreeable place if more people were so honest and open. So assertiveness has a lot to do with this.

“Sorry for dumping on you, but since I feel too guilty to talk about this with my wife or friends…”

That statement seems to say it all; is it that you feel too guilty to talk about this with your wife or your friends, or is it that you’re afraid that you’ll hurt their feelings by being honest with them?

Your comment leads me to believe that you have a mild but sensitive nature; you might be acutely aware of other people’s feelings, and afraid of hurting them — even in the smallest way. This can lead to ‘hypervigilence,’ as in, you might be overly cautious of talking to people for fear of hurting their feelings.

I know I’m going on and on here, but that is a very important point, and personally knowing how difficult it is to go from being a hugely passive person to an assertive person, I know it necessitates a lot of re-construction in the mind. ‘Old habits die hard,’ as they say.

The only other type of guilt associated with ‘needless guilt’ is a sense of personal failure. It isn’t guilt about doing something wrong, but a sensation of ‘not doing enough.’ Realizing your limits as a human being, and loving your neighbor AS you love yourself is *very* important. Love others…AS…you love yourself.

If we think we always fall short, then we always will fall short, simply because our standards are too high for anyone to meet; this perpetuates a cycle of misery and self-destruction, and benefits no one. Getting out of it is very hard, but it is possible, and it does involve a heavy amount of contemplation and an honest desire to change.

If you do something nice for someone else, and they brush you off or say you haven’t done enough, maintaining politeness and respect and honesty are all you need: ‘I did the best I could’ is enough, if it’s true that you really did do the best you could. If you didn’t do the best you could do, then you can explain that as well, and still reach a resolution with the person even if things didn’t work out well before.

I highly recommend looking inward and observing why you’re having these thoughts, and progressing to talking to your wife and your friends about whatever’s bothering you. I will assume you all care about each other: if this is so, then with enough contemplation and bravery to get things out in the open, I see no reason why you eventually wouldn’t be able to resolve all these conflicts.

Keep your intentions pure and love others as you love yourself, and the rest will fall into place. Again, it’s a difficult path, but it can be taken if you’re determined to walk it.

If it helps you out any, as I said earlier in this comment, I would do anything to be able to undo the things I’ve done in the past. I do have a damn good reason to feel guilty; this is a horrible feeling, simply because I know that sealed in time is suffering I have caused others that I am absolutely powerless to remove.

Either way, though, it takes courage; changing our lifelong behaviors is scary, and accepting punishment for what we’ve done is also scary. As I said before, be strong, and I’ll try my best to do the same. Thanks for sharing.