It’s amazing how quickly guilt can kick in for the smallest, most meaningless things in our lives.
Guilt is an emotional warning sign that most people learn through their normal childhood social development. Its purpose is to let us know when we’ve done something wrong, to help us develop a better sense of our behavior and how it affects ourselves and others. It prompts us to re-examine our behavior so that we don’t end up making the same mistake twice.
How can we help combat our guilty feelings, and accept them when they’re important, but let them go more easily when they’re not?
1. Recognize the kind of guilt you have and its purpose.
Guilt works best to help us grow and mature when our behavior has been offensive or hurtful to others or ourselves. If we feel guilty for saying something offensive to another person, or for focusing on our careers with an 80-hour work-week over our family, that’s a warning sign with a purpose: change your behavior or else lose your friends or family. We can still choose to ignore our guilt then, but then we do so at our own risk. This is known as “healthy” or “appropriate” guilt because it serves a purpose in trying to help redirect our moral or behavioral compass.
The problem arises when our behavior isn’t something that needs reexamining, nor is it something that needs to be changed. For example, a lot of first-time moms feel badly about going back to work part-time, fearful it may cause unknown damage to their child’s normal development. That’s simply not the case in most situations, however, and most children have a normal, healthy development even when both parents work. There’s nothing to feel guilty about, and yet we still do. This is known as “unhealthy” or “inappropriate” guilty because it serves no rational purpose.
If you’re feeling guilty for eating five chocolate bars in a row, that’s your brain’s way of trying to get the message to you about a behavior you probably already recognize is a little extreme. Such behavior may be self-destructive and ultimately harmful to your health and well-being. So the rational purpose of this guilt is simply to try and convince you to change this behavior.
2. Make amends or changes sooner rather than later.
If your guilt is for a specific and rational purpose – e.g., it’s healthy guilt – take action to fix the problem behavior. While many of us are gluttons for self-punishment, ongoing guilt weighs us down as we try and move forward in life. It’s easy enough to apologize to someone whom we’ve offended by a careless remark. It’s a little more challenging to not only recognize how your 80-hour-a-week career may be harming your family, but to also change your work schedule (assuming that there were legitimate reasons for working 80-hours a week in the first place).
Healthy guilt is telling us we need to do something different in order to repair relationships important to us (or our own self-esteem). (Unhealthy guilt’s purpose, on the other hand, is only to make us feel badly for little legitimate reason.) While sometimes we already know the lesson guilt is trying to teach us, it will return time and time again until we’ve actually learned the lesson fully. It can be frustrating, but it seems to be the way guilt works for most people. The sooner we “learn the lesson” – e.g., make amends, work to not engage in the same hurtful behavior in the future, etc. – the sooner the guilt will disappear. If successful, it will never return for that issue again.
3. Accept you did something wrong, but move on.
If you did something wrong or hurtful, you will have to accept that you cannot change the past. But you can make amends for your behavior, if and when it’s appropriate. Do so, apologize, or make-up for the inappropriate behavior in a timely manner, but then let it go. The more we focus on believing we need to do something more, the more it will continue to bother us and interfere with our relationships with others.
Guilt is usually very situational. That means we get into a situation, we do something inappropriate or hurtful, and then we feel badly for a time. Either the behavior wasn’t so bad or time passes, and we feel less guilty. If we recognize the problem behavior and take action sooner rather than later, we’ll feel better about things (and so will the other person) and the guilt will be alleviated. Obsessing about it, however, and not taking any type of compensatory behavior (such as apologizing, or changing one’s negative behavior) keeps the bad feelings going. Accept and acknowledge the inappropriate behavior, make your amends, and then move on.
4. Learning from our behaviors.
Guilt’s purpose isn’t to make us feel bad just for the sake of it. The feeling of guilt is trying to get our attention so that we can learn something from the experience. If we learn from our behavior, we’ll be less likely to do it again in the future. If I’ve accidentally said something insulting to another person, my guilt is telling me I should (a) apologize to the person and (b) think a little more before I open my mouth.
If your guilt isn’t trying to correct an actual mistake you made in your behavior (e.g., it’s unhealthy guilt), then there’s not a whole lot you need to learn. Instead of learning how to change that behavior, a person can instead try to understand why a simple behavior most people wouldn’t feel guilty about is making one feel guilty. For instance, I felt guilty for spending some time playing a game during regular work hours. Since I work for myself, however, I don’t really keep “regular work hours,” but it’s hard for me to change that mindset after years of working for others.
5. Perfection doesn’t exist in anyone.
Nobody is perfect, even our friends or family members who appear to lead perfect, guilt-free lives. Striving for perfection in any part of our lives is a recipe for failure, since it can never be attained.
We all make mistakes and many of us go down a path in our lives that can make us feel guilty later on when we finally realize our mistake. The key, however, is to realize the mistake and accept that you’re only human. Don’t engage in days, weeks or months of self-blame or battering your self-esteem because you should’ve known, should’ve acted differently, or should’ve been an ideal person. You’re not, and neither am I. That’s just life.
* * *
Guilt is one of those emotions that we feel is telling us something important. Be aware that not every emotion, and certainly not every guilty feeling, is a rational one that has a purpose. Focus on the guilt that causes loved ones or friends harm. And remember to be skeptical the next time you feel guilty – is it trying to teach you something rational and helpful about your behavior, or is it just an emotional, irrational response to a situation? The answer to that question will be your first step to helping you better cope with guilt in the future.
Want to learn more?
Read more about guilt and regret in Psychological Self-Help, the free online self-help book by our partner and advisory board member, Dr. Clay Tucker-Ladd.
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Guilt | LVNash Counseling Blog: Chicago (12/2/2007)
Letters from Readers: Overcoming Grief and Guilt | Quest for Balance (4/16/2009)
20 Comments to
“5 Tips for Dealing with Guilt”
Ironically? There was an instance this Holiday at Thanksgiving when my sister offered a rude, cruel, mean, and hurtful response to what was to me a significant several actions in our family. When I confronted my Mom about whom these remarks referred she said “don’t listen to your sister.” My case manager and doctors/therapists offered “had she been drinking?” Of course I am riddled with guilt about even speaking or going over these thoughts which are plaguing me for days and even a week now. This article helped me put it into perspective somewhat.
I see that guilt is almost mastefully made release or detactchment from whatever behavior or indicent, offense ect,…causing
you the guilt to now see what you might not have at all at a crucial moment with a loved one. The great thing, at least n most cases is that guilt is truly felt and highly trained professionals can detect this. However too much guilt or un pratical reactrions to guilt that never cease can prove to be destructive.
Guilt also allows the most severemanipulator to turn it on like a non human link tt omeet other .
Let us not forget the differnce between feeling quily and feeling shame. To acknowledge that one has broken a rule or failed to maintain a standard is very different than feeling oneself is flawed and wrong. Being shame-based can totally destroy any self-esteem a person might have. (or could have had)
I thought this article was useless. The opening quote, “It’s amazing how quickly guilt can kick in for the smallest, most meaningless things in our lives,” led me to believe that this was going to be an article about coping with irrational guilt. Ie: the meaningless things that trigger guilt. Instead, the article was about listening to healthy guilt. While that may have been a useful topic, the introduction was misleading, and I think that this article appearing on a mental health website and not a “dealing with stress” website was inappropriate. Personally my issue is “irrational guilt,” and that’s what I expected to read about.
It’s an article about coping with guilt, period (hence the title). While I don’t expect everyone to benefit from every article we publish here, we do our best. Sorry we disappointed you in this instance.
This is an important topic and I would like to hear more on: the distinction between what is appropriate and inappropriate guilt varies depending on one’s cultural and social context. Also guilt may be appropriate as an early warning sign, but not appropriate in its intensity or duration in a particular circumstance. Guilt (appropriate or not) can be used as a weapon or a distraction in an interaction, which is not a constructive way to resolve problems.
Cinda Hocking, MSW
Internal Energy Plus Consultant
http://cindahocking.blogspot.com
Why should something so useless be a bother, I have never felt guilt for more than a day and that was more or less just the feeling about getting caught doing something I more than likely should not have done, but after a day, I rarely thought about what ever it was again. So I just say ignore guilt altoghter since it is a waste of time and energy.
What happens if the thing that you’ve done to cause the guilt is irreversible? It’s possible to apologize, but not actually make amends?
Why is it that a recovring alcholic (myself) feels guilty about not following my mothers religion. I’ve be sober for 4 years and my concience keeps haunting me. The reason I drank was to get away from religion; and now that I stopped drinking religion haunts me.
Is it possible to feel really guilty about a mistake, but then keep making it? I have made the same mistake 3 times now, and feel guiltier every time I do it, so you’d think I would learn a lesson. I am to the point now where I am having nightmares, and extreme anxiety, but even though I have been dealing with the dreams and such for a couple months now, I did it again while drunk this weekend. I can’t tell anyone about it, so maybe that is making the guilt worse, but I want to be able to learn from my mistakes and move on, and I don’t know how to convince myself I have paid enough for what I have done (cause I am getting off pretty scot-free from a social perspective.) On top of feeling guilty, I am constantly worried someone will find out. What would anyone recommend in this situation? How is guilt useful now?
OK, so, we’ve touched on the guilt that we feel when we’ve done something subjectively “bad”, “hurtful”, or “wrong”. Normal human emotions are not so floppy and one-dimensional; guilt is a broad spectrum emotional reaction. What about predatory guilt? How do you cope with the guilt that others inflict upon us as a control mechanism?
It’s easy to figure-out why we feel guilty when we’ve obviously done something to merit a guilt response. And, carving-out new channels, making amends, and coping are efficaious only in so much as the guilt response is warranted by our behavior. What if it isn’t? What if guilt is a typical control mechanism of our families when we respond to some slight or injustice they’ve made against us? How do you cope when they subdue you with guilt for responding to that injustice? What are the long-term psychological rammifications to repressing or attempting to ignore those feelings?
i thought this was a good artical. i dont feel better lol but i think with practice of not being a “liberty taker” ill feel better.
i borrowed money and i havent gave it back yet! friends and family and its a considerable amount. even though my intentions were/are good and faithfull. i havent gave it back yet and i feel guilty about taking that liberty.
i also took my brothers shirts and things like that which is the same thing only different situation. “they looked better on me” lol 
so ive always had the issuse just never noticed. ive considered myself to be a good example of a person for 21 years until now “im 21″ this is the only bad thing about me that i know of. its a serious one though.
i hope i move on and change this.
knowing my luck ill be wearing pajamas and strolling round sum fucking mental home in 2 years…….lol
neways hope u all get your problems sorted out.
and remember!
we’re “all in the same field”
just down different holes
i made that up myself ay lol
kind reguards sean.
Your entry has given me very practical analogy of guilt feelings am going through. I know now I don,t have to sacrifice myself for mistakes made, but should learn from the experience.
You know..I have been feeling extreme guilt for almost 1.5 years now at the way i ended my ex’s relationship with her.I showed her no respect and she treated me very well but she did have some issues she didn’t deserve to be treated like i treated her.I at the time was in very foul moods and didn’t realize i was having depression problems.and stress issues which led to medication to this day.I know now i must email her and tell her what i think of her which is of only the highest nature and my actions towards her were so very bad not to show her the respect in the end she earned and deserved.all i can say is think about how your mouth will affect other people in the end.although i have learned a very painful lesson and do not act like that anymore i feel i owe her alot.but all i can do is a email.but i guess it’s better than nothing.i don’t know.
this article helped but im going to bite the bullet and tell her, guilt has been eating at me for so long now and its getting me down,
its cost me my relationship but hopefully taught me a lesson
time is the best healer of all pain
What if we did something to an innocent person and there is no way to make amends? What do I do then?
Hello all above,
I am impressed with the number of people and important comments I find in this website. Thanks John for the articles, this is a good way to take advantage of technology to help people.
A suggestion, if I may, is to add a note, right below the title, or some where before the article, stating that these are articles with some limitations regarding how the reader can make use of it to help himself or herself, and how effective they may be depending on the case.
In many cases, economic limitations, distance, shame, etc., prevents people from looking for professional help and try to use self “therapy” applying what articles like this state, sometimes we can, sometimes problems need a professional to help.
As for guilt, sometimes it comes to accept we failed, give an apology, and move on. Long remorse is not a healthy practice.
In any case, this blog is great, and I hope many people are already seeing some benefit.
Best!
Miguel A. Cerna, MA
This didn’t help
Dear John,
Thank you so much for this, it has really helped.
Dear John,
I agree with Christene and “ca”. This article didn’t help me at all. I am being sunk by irrational guilt, guilt of not helping enough around the house, when I actually do just as much if not more than anyone else, guilt from saying no, guilt from not being able to say no, guilt from being too nice, guilt from not being nice enough, guilt from not thinking enough, guilt from overthinking… In other words, my guilt is the type your title refers to, not the type discussed in your article. I’m trying desperately to figure out what the hell is wrong with me and your article only focuses on people who have a pretty damn good reason to feel guilty. What about those of us who try so damn hard to be good, but end up just disappointing everyone we care about? Sorry for dumping on you, but since I feel too guilty to talk about this with my wife or friends, I’ve decided to attack an “unknown” person which lets me feel a little less guilty than if I unloaded this on someone close.
- Geoff
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 27 Nov 2007
