Now, far be it from me to tell someone how to run their company, but with the amount of Chemistry.com commercials on the TV these days, you can’t help but wonder what eHarmony is thinking. I guess it wouldn’t be such a big deal if eHarmony was honest in their marketing — that they are a dating service with a decidedly Christian bent. But they don’t mention that in their marketing.
Instead, eHarmony, through its television commercials and website, emphasizes its science and objectivity — its so-called “Compatibility Matching System.” What is the point of such supposed science if, at the end of your compatibility matching system, you throw in some random subjective component — such as if the person is gay or not — and simply reject them as incompatible with the eHarmony service? (For more details about eHarmony’s background, this USA Today article is a good start.)
Good and well-designed matchmaking science would never throw out anyone, much less the over 1 million people eHarmony has rejected. Because in all the diversity of the world, there is always someone for someone else. That would be one of the points of an online dating service — to match people who ordinarily might not have the easiest time dating.
If eHarmony marketed itself as “The Christian Dating Service,” I’d have no objections. But to pretend to be interested in the science of matchmaking and then to reject that science if someone enrolls isn’t Christian-like enough is a little dishonest and underhanded in my book.
(42 votes, average: 3.6 out of 5)
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42 Responses to “Why Does eHarmony Reject People?” (Pingbacks/trackbacks not shown below)
P at 9:19 am on
June 11th, 2007
What’s missing in your commentary, John, is that eHarmony matches people for *marriage*. Every couple in their advertisements are *married* after being introduced by eHarmony. I can’t believe you missed this.
Being focused, not serving everybody, is why eHarmony works great. Do you want to pay money, John, and then be matched with liars, wackos, those divorced four times, those with obstreperousness, depression and anxiety, and those that are still MARRIED? Please answer this.
Amanda at 1:30 pm on
June 11th, 2007
Before I knew eHarmony had a Christian bent, I spent approximately 2.5 hours answering the questions. At the end of the process I got “we have no matches for you at this time.” None. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and they have no one for me? Yahoo, Match, and OKCupid found lots of matches for me — I had dates with about 1 new guy per week for months just from OKCupid and am now happily in love with one of them. Do I think I struck out on eHarmony because I checked the box “atheist”? Absolutely! Am I annoyed that I wasted hours on their questions when they could have said right up front “we don’t match people who aren’t Christian heterosexuals”? Incredibly.
Very interesting post! I had seen the Chemistry commercials and wondered if the rejections were real or just an advertising tactic.
shugahsveet at 3:16 pm on
June 11th, 2007
Hi P,
I was shocked by your comment that no one would want to be matched with someone who has depression or anxiety. Just because someone is suffering from an illness does NOT mean that they are not a good partner. I wonder, would you refuse to date someone because he or she had diabetes or a heart condition? As for your comment about *marriage* (emphasis not original) I feel that you implied those who are gay should not be included in the group of people looking for a partner. Just because our society unfairly denies gay and lesbian partners the right to marry does not mean they should be screened out of a dating site. I know many people, gay and straight, who have had long and loving relationships without ever marrying. And I know many couples who marry and remain married despite the fact that the relationship does not work. So if you think that *marriage* means that a relationship is healthy and good, while “living in sin” means a relationship is somehow inferior, I would take your head out of the sand and look around you. I would also suggest some education about mental illness because your response showed a lack of compassion and understanding about depression and anxiety.
John M. Grohol, Psy.D. at 3:51 pm on
June 11th, 2007
P, thanks for your comments, but where on eHarmony’s website does it explicitly say it matches people for marriage? I see stuff like,
“At eHarmony our patented Compatibility Matching System TM narrows the field from millions of candidates to a highly select group of singles with whom you share deep levels of compatibility. Where other sites match on a picture and a paragraph, eHarmony matches you based on compatibility in the most important areas of life - like values, character, intellect, sense of humor, spiritual beliefs, passion, and up to 24 other dimensions.”
and
“eHarmony is the first service within the online dating industry to use a scientific approach to matching highly compatible singles. eHarmony’s matching is based on the 29 Dimensions of Compatibility found in thousands of successful relationships. ”
Notice the lack of the word “marriage” and the use of the words “relationships” and “scientific approach.”
Honestly, I don’t care what eHarmony’s goals are (oh, btw, gay marriage is legal where I live), I care that they aren’t explicit about their biases and that they appear to be dishonest in their marketing. Either you are scientifically objective about your matching system and use real science to achieve a match. Or you aren’t, and use subjective “rule-out” criteria that consumers aren’t informed about before spending the hours necessary to complete their questionnaire.
A few years ago I signed up with eHarmony. I had several others interested in me, and I in them. As is my custom, I went back through the fine print of eHarmony and realized they had a statement I had missed before, something they have you assure: that you are in good health.
Being disabled I felt that I needed to put that in my profile, unsure of whether eHarmony would consider that in poor health. It didn’t matter, as all the people I was in communication with immediately blocked me.
It truly does seem to lean towards an idealistic population. That leaves me out.
P at 7:54 pm on
June 11th, 2007
RE: “where on eHarmony’s website does it explicitly say it matches people for marriage?”
Hmm, this is like face-vase drawing, John - you see what you want to see, and I see what I want to see. Every single page in the site’s About Us area has the words “long-term relationship,” “married,” “engaged” and “marriage”. If you don’t care and choose not to see that eH is a matrimonial heterosexual matchmaking site, then ok you won’t.
To answer the title of your post, John, please see http://digg.com/programming/Why_eHarmony_rejected_you for the official/unofficial reasons. Read it, unless you used this title rhetorically and aren’t really interested in finding out the answer. 
Sure (1) yes, eH should’ve declared their admission criteria up front - in their ads, before the test, and (2) yes the rejection message (which has been unchanged since 2000) should be revised and be gentler.
Do long-term homosexual and heterosexual relationships have *identical* dynamics? I don’t know. John thinks that sexual orientation is a mere “random subjective component” among long-term relationships. He dismissed it. He probably studied this subject more than I did.
On the issue whether eH MUST be obliged to provide homosexual matching for long-term relationships, I’m sorry I don’t know. I’m sorry I have no opinion either way.
shugahsveet, I’m glad you also didn’t want to be matched with liars, wackos, those divorced four times and those who are still married. My point is that there are people that are, at this moment of their life, mentally unfit for being matched for a long-term commitment with another person. John would know some I’m sure. The eH test tries to screen them out, i.e., eH would rather lose potential paying subscribers than take money and match people less successfully.
I’m sorry to hear your experience Jean. No their T&C www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/about/terms doesn’t have a “good health” clause. I’m sorry to hear that none of your matches saw beyond your condition. It’s really sad how shallow many people are these days.
John M. Grohol, Psy.D. at 7:35 am on
June 12th, 2007
So your first link goes eventually to this:
http://neverblog.net/why-wont-eharmony-reject-me/
(which mentions an article that isn’t there any longer, but does have an excerpt from the article that gives 5 possible reasons a person is rejected). The keys to eHarmony rejection mentioned are (a) underage; (b) being married too many times (even though “too many” is subjective because there’s no study that shows a person married 3 times is okay, but a person married 4 times, no way); (c) you are currently separated (apparently separation does not equal the right to date others) or said you were married; (d) your internal consistency on taking their test suggested you answered the questions in a random way; or (e) you scored too low on one or more of their 29 subscale dimensions, specifically:
* Self-Concept (how you perceive yourself)
* Emotional Status (feeling happy, fulfilled and hopeful)
* Character (honesty and trustworthiness)
* Obstreperousness (the black hole dimension)
* Character (honesty and trustworthiness)2
* Emotion Management: Anger (expressing negative emotions constructively)
* Conflict Resolution (resolving issues).
* Family Background (happy childhood and supportiveness of your parents)
Now, of course, eHarmony isn’t going to release their “secret sauce” of how exactly they arrive at their pronouncements. But at least we’re learning a little more about what goes to into the process — which is the point of this entry in the first place.
So basically, eHarmony is looking for people from Stepford, or those who are good liars.
This Washington Post article on eHarmony sheds some additional light on their practices as well:
Waldorf says eHarmony’s matching system is based on psychological research about heterosexual relationships. Because it doesn’t have similar data on gay people, he says, the company isn’t confident that it can offer successful matches to same-sex couples. “I’m not saying anything precludes us from going into the same-sex market in the future,” he says, “but it’s not a service we offer now.”
But, again, our problem isn’t with eHarmony rejecting people so much as it is the lack of transparency into the process (or even the acknowledgment that you could be rejected!). They call themselves an online dating service when they are really an online marriage service for Christians. (Competing services, like jDate, acknowledge up-front their focus.)
Amazed at 12:19 pm on
June 12th, 2007
What on earth is “scientifically objective” about concluding that a matching system developed through research on heterosexual married couples is valid for use with homosexuals? Researchers focusing have found that there are many significant differences between heterosexual and same-sex relationships, not to mention important differences between female and male same-sex relationship characteristics.
I would charitably submit that you are confounding your view of good science with your moral belief that gay relationships deserve to receive the same rights under law and respect in our culture as heterosexual relationships. However, you are NOT supporting best-practices in science when you suggest that a system based on research and validation in one population be applied without further ado to a population which comprises obvious and important core differences.
One thing for sure is that eHarmony didn’t explain thoroughly every detail. There are people who don’t think the way they expected and I believe it’s necessary to completely inform everyone who wants to participate.
P at 8:44 pm on
June 12th, 2007
Hi Amazed,
I think, instead of your question, it is better to ask John to expound what made him say that sexual orientation is a mere “random subjective component thrown in” in a matchmaking algorithm for long-term relationships.
P
John M. Grohol, Psy.D. at 9:09 pm on
June 12th, 2007
I think some of you are missing the point, whether intentionally or getting bogged down into details.
If eHarmony isn’t for gay people, why not just say that up-front and not have them go through the 2-hour questionnaire?
If eHarmony is for creating Christian marriages, why not just say that up-front and not cloak it in other language? (They don’t even use the word “marriage” or anything similar in their TV commercials.)
Transparency and being up-front about the focus, goals and limitations of your service are helpful to consumers who are expending their time and energy to go to eHarmony, jump through their hoops, only to be rejected after the fact.
steve at 9:11 pm on
June 12th, 2007
well, i put down that my religion is Buddhist, and i get a decent number of matches with eHarmony. i don’t think that it’s eHarmony that won’t give you matches if you mark ‘athiest’ or whatever, but it’s some of the close-minded members who mark from only specific religions that they are willing to date. luckily for me, i guess some chicks dig those of us into Buddhism.
Stuart at 8:47 pm on
June 13th, 2007
eHarmony constantly sent me matches way out of the mileage range that I specified. It didn’t seem to matter whether I chose 30 or 60 miles, they continually sent me matches from hundreds of miles away. And, they just “auto-renewed” my membership for another month, which I am fighting to get back.
P at 11:10 pm on
June 13th, 2007
Yup, posts and comments from everywhere confirm that Jews, Buddhists and atheists do pass the eHarmony test and do get matches. However their March 2004 demographic data show that 91% of members are christian. Is this due to critical mass or due to test bias? I say critical mass, and it’s easy to test my case — Take the test twice with different religions.
Stuart, (1) this is the first time I’ve heard the eH system ignoring the distance “match flexibility” setting. For everyone I know, it works fine. If it doesn’t for you, tell eH customer service about it. (Come to think of it, it’s also possible that these ladies set a *different* zipcode — a nifty hack to get matches from other lands.) (2) Good luck with the refund situation. Everyone I know didn’t get theirs.
Amazed at 6:17 pm on
June 14th, 2007
Hi Jon,
I don’t want to be a jerk on your blog. I mean, it’s your blog, and you can say what you want. But I really do think it’s important for people to realize that you are espousing a moral stance, and not a scientific one.
As far as misleading advertising… would you really be more pro-eHarmony if they called themself the “eHarmony service for heterosexual singles who want to get married!”?
The fact is, you don’t like eHarmony because you think everyone should be treated the same. This is a nice, pro-social belief, but it’s not a belief based on anything that we teach or study in the field of psychology.
The ad homonym moral stance makes your denigration of eHarmony’s “supposed science” more than a little ironic.
John M. Grohol, Psy.D. at 6:59 pm on
June 14th, 2007
Here’s the deal. The service emphasizes the science of its compatibility matching system. It’s that simple. Their TV commercials don’t even mention the words “relationship” or “marriage.”
The compatibility matching system is not the whole story of how they match or don’t match users to one another. Instead, there are these other, hidden criteria (that it’s taken newspaper reporters to get from the company, since the company doesn’t mention it on their website directly) that the company will use to “reject” people as not being “compatible” with their service.
All of that different criteria being used is 100% fine, as I’ve said repeatedly. What is not 100% fine, as far as I’m concerned, is not being up-front with its users and potential users about these hidden criteria.
As for the religious angle, the U.S. is 76.5% Christian according to Census statistics. There’s no reason to believe that the demographic should be so wildly skewed Christian on their service because of “critical mass,” whatever that means.
“eHarmony is America’s #1 trusted relationship service. …Millions of people of all ages, ethnicities, and religious backgrounds have used eHarmony’s patented Compatibility Matching System™ to find the love of their lives.
In fact, recent research presented at the American Psychological Society found that eHarmony married couples are significantly happier than couples married for a similar length of time who met by other means.
Building on its enormous success matching compatible singles, eHarmony launched a revolutionary new service in 2006 to help couples achieve stronger, healthier and happier marriages. eHarmony Marriage is a personalized, interactive, online “marriage wellness” program designed to help marriages flourish by building a deepened sense of understanding, appreciation and connectedness. eHarmony Marriage gives every couple the opportunity to look at their marriage objectively and increase the joy and intimacy in a private, practical and positive program. ”
also: “90 eHarmony members on average get married every single day” The emphasis does seem to be on marriage as a result of their services.
I am glad they removed the vowing of being a healthy individual. (Though I’m back looking for the blurb.)
I’m not sure I understand why the majority can’t be catered to by a company. Isn’t that part of capitalism?
John M. Grohol, Psy.D. at 3:32 pm on
June 17th, 2007
Thanks for copying and pasting material about their marriage-oriented site, which, as you note, is brand new and different than their singles matching site. Just because a company says, “Hey, we have 90 marriages a day” doesn’t at all say to me, “Hey, we may rule you out as someone ‘compatible’ with our system because of the way you answer your questionnaire, and we won’t tell you that up front.”
I’m not sure where anyone said the majority can’t be catered to? My emphasis seems to be on how up-front they are about their criteria.
My daughter met her boyfriend through eHarmony. She’s an atheist, as is her boyfriend. They’ve been together for a couple of years. She received a lot of matches, but this is the only one that stuck. I don’t think either of them ever plans to marry.
VERY interesting article. I am happily married now, but I do remember being rejected by eHarmony about half a decade ago. After answering pages and pages of questions, I was left shaking my head wondering “what in the world is wrong with me that they couldn’t find even ONE person I might be compatible with?” It’s nice to hear it confirmed now that I indeed was not the problem. Thank you for this interesting information. ~A.L
jake at 3:25 am on
September 11th, 2007
eharmony is racist. they like to reject blacks, asians, and hispanics.
Alyson at 3:34 pm on
September 21st, 2007
I find everyones answers fascinating. I joined eharmony, although I am not a christian, because I just got tired of other sites that had emotionally unstable people in desperate need of counseling (I actually had to report a stalker from one site) and I got tired of meeting married men looking for fun on the side. I wanted a steady, long-term relationship and I found it on eharmony. Guess what, he’s not a christian either but he is mentally stable, unmarried and surprise not a republican! Funny thing is, when we met it was like the stupid commercial, we have so much in common we finish each others sentences. It’s not for everyone, but you shouldn’t knock it just because it doesn’t work for you.
Melanie at 1:24 pm on
September 28th, 2007
I am a customer of e-Harmony, and I think there’s a misperception. The line, “We have no matches for you at this time” does not mean you are rejected. It means they don’t have anyone matched to your personality at that time. If you are rejected, you get a note saying they are unable to have you as a customer - a friend of mine got one of those.
When I first signed up, there were no matches for me. But eventually there were. Since then, I’ve been matched with more than 25 people so far. And by the way, I’m Taoist, so the whole Christian thing doesn’t apply to me, yet I don’t seem to be having trouble being matched with anyone.
nannysangel at 2:24 am on
November 10th, 2007
Wanna look like Nanny wanna be real skinny
How does your ED look now?
Nannys teeth falling out her hair too
How does your ED look now?
If she only new
How does your ED look now?
Little sister Jenny cries at nite
How does your ED look now
Nannys face turned pail and white
How does your ED look now
Shes too tired to put up a fight
HOw does your ED look now?
Dogs and cats surround her tiny fanny
How does you r ed look now?
THey know theyll lose thier beloved Nanny
How does your ed look now?
Angels and orbs show in her pics
HOw does your ED look now?
Her arms and legs as think as sticks
HOw does your ED look NOw?
The eating disorder little Jenny does hate
HOw does youre ED look Now?
She overeats to compensate
How does your ED look now?
Diarrhea, heart attacks, TPN
HOw does youre ed look?
Surgery, Jevity, next of kin
How does your ED look Now?
Little one’s look with pleading eyes
How doe syour ED look now?
As they gather to say thier last goodbyes
How does your ED look Now?
No money too feed little Jenny, falling apart trailer park
How does your Ed look now
Weights less than her dog that goes bark
How does your ED look Now?
Bones sticking thru
How does your ED look Now?
All because too many peple told her moo
How does your ED look now?
THe families face all sad there eyes turned down
HOw does your ED look nowl
Nannys eyes so tired always a frown
How does your Ed look Now?
A strong breeze could knock her down
How does your ed look now?
ONly days too live just wants one more last wish
How does your ED look Now?
On the ocean the sand her feet will squish
How does your ED look now?
Where the body you envy is the food shes shunned
HOW does your Ed look now?
GO to www.xanga.com/nancybratt and donat to the Nancy Kelly Fund
HOW DOES YOUR ED LOOK NOW
Elisa at 9:30 pm on
December 3rd, 2007
I am a rather liberal athiest living in Seattle and I have had piles and piles of matches. Heterosexual matrimonial (or at least long term relationship oriented)matchmaking service, yes, Christian, no. And what’s wrong with that, exactly? It is fairly unique in its purpose and makes no secret of it. For those of us looking for a serious hetero relationship, eHarmony has great potential, and for everyone else, there are plenty of other good sites. Good luck to ya!
I have a one major problem or flaw with regards to the eharmony website. I call it the fattie hook up site.
My problem is after 20 pages of questions regarding compatability and after your approved on the site to communicate with someone you need to email them 2-3 times before your even allowed to see what they look like. Maybe I have just had horrible luck but I can’t seem to find anyone after this communication takes place that is under 300lbs! It also makes me feel very little and horrible that I maintained a conversation and acted and sounded interested when I know I will stop talking to the person or block them after I find out what they really weigh and look like… It’s very disappointing and frustrating… It appears that all women on this site have all ready been rejected in real life and therefore there must be a reason, probably because they are not very attractive or don’t take care of themselves.
I wish eharmony would screen out the fatties! And that doesn’t seem to be a criteria or dimension of compatibility??
I would appreciate and answer to this John!
Jacqueline at 11:08 pm on
January 21st, 2008
Hey all! From reading the posts it seems to me that everyone has debunked the idea that EH only matches Christians. I know I was matched with a number of athiests. Also, a number of people of different races. Yes, I was a member, and yes I met my husband on EH. When signing up I remember specifically the sight saying it did not accept members who were married, as it was designed for long lasting, committed relatioships. I also seem to remember something about it not being for homosexuals, but I’m more fuzzy on that one.
Also, John, as a Psy.D. one idea that I don’t see that you have posted that may be a consideration is that idea of a truthfulness factor in the questionnaire (if it is a valid psychological instrument) to ensure that people are answering questions consitantly, similar to other personality instruments.
bird at 11:13 am on
January 22nd, 2008
So has anyone gotten a rejection notice, but then been informed at a later date that there was a match for them? You all keep quoting the site as saying “there are no matches at this time”. (I’ve never been to the site myself.) So does that mean that if someone joins a month later and matches you, that eH will send you an email to let you know? Or do they just flat out refuse your money?
I’m finding it hard to believe that any company would refuse cold hard cash. They are in the business to make money, after all. Why on earth wouldn’t they accept your money? Even if they do try to screen out the undesirables, wouldn’t it make more sense from a business standpoint to just accept your cash and just not match you with the sane people?
I can understand them not matching gays, so I’m not really talking about that point right now. (I don’t agree with it, I think it’s really crappy and closeminded, but I understand if they want their business to be just with hetero relationships) I’m talking about if they deem you “undesirable” on their test. (Depressed, etc) It just seems odd to me that they’ll tell you to go away rather than just saying “sure you can sign up, but we don’t have anyone as crazy as you right now”. I mean, do they really turn you away and not allow you to give them your credit card number? If so, this seems like a really stupid business move. How much money are they refusing on a daily basis?
Oh and to the guy who wants them to screen out the fatties: you -should- feel “little and horrible”, you’re a horrible person. Some people actually like fatties, believe it or not. I’ve stumbled onto that porn on occasion. Wow. It’s really stupid of you to assume that because you don’t like something, no one else would. If you’re the sort of person that passes eH’s screening, I guess the gays and rejects should feel lucky.
srb at 10:05 am on
March 8th, 2008
Came to this site out of curiosity, the Chemistry ads finally made me want to know.
E-Harmony’s scientific approach sounds like it should work. Too bad they don’t make it work for all their neighbors.
I believe in the teachings of Jesus and it often strikes me how most people who purport to be Christians don’t live by the teachings, like mostly: love your neighbor (all humankind) as yourself.
Should e-harmony read this, try applying Christ’s teachings to your behavior.
It is a wonderful place to live from.
Steve at 8:18 am on
March 9th, 2008
Wow, I was moderately annoyed when I got rejected after spending three hours answering eharmony’s questionnaire. Now that see who they really are, I am truly enraged. I always thought the guy on the ads and every couple they present rubs me the wrong way. I thought they must only accept people who are completely non-confrontational and always bubbly and happy to produce these plastic-looking relationships. But CHRISTIAN, UGH I should have known something so devious and underhanded… I’m so mad I’m shaking. I can’t finish this thought now. I HATE eharmony for their deceptiveness. By they way I have been in a happy relationship, which I found on my own, for two years.
John at 8:54 pm on
March 11th, 2008
“Guess what, he’s not a Christian either but he is mentally stable, unmarried and surprise not a republican!”
Gee, Alyson, are all republicans unstable, or just the ones you’ve met? I’m republican, and I met my staunchly democrat fiancee on eHarmony, and we are to be married in September. Ignorant comments like yours are frustrating to no end.
I’m sorry you think all republicans are jerks, but, hey, it’s your world view and you have to live with it. My fiancee would testify under oath that this republican is a fine man indeed. Try to have a more open mind, okay? Letting go of your deeply skewed liberalism and beginning to see the world with a clear mind would be a great place to start. Good luck with that.
BTW, both of us are decidedly non-Christian, as were the five other women I met on eHarmony before my fiancee. What all six are, however, is intelligent, accomplished and interesting women, and this is where I think eHarmony shines. It give people interested in establishing serious long term relationships an avenue for meeting high quality people, while simultaneously weeding out the detritus. And it works.
Oh, and Jeff? You are not required to e-mail someone 2-3 times before seeing photos, it’s entirely up to the individual as to what stage they allow the photos to be seen. You would know that if you were a member.
Jenn at 9:11 pm on
April 8th, 2008
I think Chemistry.com’s ad is counter-effective. It just made me even more eager to go and try E-harmony among all the matchmaking websites out there. I also believe that chemistry.com will end up attracting those who feel may be rejected by e-harmony !! (depressed, gay, married 4 times+, emotionally unstable etc…). Quite frankly, they should change the ad…unless, they are targeting the one million+ rejected by E-harmony …which is a good chunk of the population too…not bad after all 
Jenn at 9:21 pm on
April 8th, 2008
answer to Steve:
Steve at 8:18 am on March 9th, 2008
From the answer, you seem to be short-fused, easily angered, and judgemental … and I can tell … go work on yourself … this kind of temperament doesn’t help in any relationship let alone long term marriage! Conclusion: Eharmony accepts those with a realtively high potential to start and maintain a relatiosnhip. I think Eharmony should mention that upfront so that people know.
Chris at 2:29 pm on
April 13th, 2008
I was rejected as well. There are two things that bother my about this which kind of play on one another. One is they don’t tell you why (might be against discrimination laws they might be breaking, I don’t really know) but when they don’t give a reason why one believes it’s simply because they aren’t good enough to match you. The second plays on that where they brag about having a high success rate… which if they reject 1 in 5 people that they don’t understand and their system doesn’t work for. I would sure hope you have a high success rate. Example if they match 80% of their users successfully, they actually are only matching 64% of the people who wanted to use their service. So from that stand point it’s a rather poor performance and It might just be because they aren’t advanced enough to make accurate predictions on certain people but want to market that high success rate. On the other hand why wouldn’t you give people the option maybe tag them and notify them they hey, this person we are unable to predict successfully, everyone else would know that the person was unable to be predicted correctly thus either could be good or bad reasons but they can then choose for themselves to contact that person full well knowing they aren’t fully understood by the matching system. That would increase membership by 25%, thus increasing revenue for a lot and if these people are in fact harder to match they will be on the site for a longer period of time meaning the revenue will increase by more than 25% overall while saving face for the company and without jeopardizing it’s current users because those who would not be matched successfully would have a flag visible by all on their profile. I know some people would complain about that but I’d rather have a shot being known as dangerous than none at all. Just doesn’t seem like they really thought that through.
For the record, I’m not depressed, I’m heterosexual, I’ve never been married and I’m very stable emotionally financially etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me, sure my personality may conflict with some people while flourish with others but the only possible reason I can see that I was rejected for was either I’m too complex for their system or because I’m an atheist which I would really hope they wouldn’t judge the quality of a person based on their personal philosophies.
Mitch at 5:10 pm on
April 19th, 2008
I am an atheist, and I was honest about it when I registered with eharmony. I was accepted, and I have received many matches. I have been matched with both christians and jews. I, for one, am happy that eharmony rejects a percentage of its canididates. Since it would, on the surface, be in eharmony’s interest to accept everyone and anyone to increase its subscriptions, it seems very credible that eharmony is about quality over quantity.
Bob at 2:10 am on
April 25th, 2008
I love the people posting on here blaming eharmony because they believe they were rejected for ‘christian’ values. I am a christian and I am also an eharmony reject. I am also white. I am also in my 20’s, I am also single, I am also a college grad…so just about everyone that has posted here doesn’t have a clue what their talking about.
I’m not sure what criteria it takes to fit into Neil Clark Warren’s ‘Perfect World’ (my guess is blond hair, blue eyes and a little mustache) but he’s lost a lot of business because of it.
Jo Bean at 11:15 am on
July 13th, 2008
There’s no doubt about the cultish Christian foundation eHarmony is built on. But there’;s no Christian mercy for those who suffer with illnesses,e non believers, gay or want to meet someone from another ethnic group from ythierr own, especially if you’re white. Saying you want to meet a black or South Asian woman sets off the alarm messages. Also if you’re separated and awaiting divorce they will suck you in and get you to waste time with their questionnaire and when hit the last “continue” button they say sorry, you’re separated and we won’t accept you. Why don’t they just tell you that up front? The reason is that then they have the nerve to redirect you to a site run by the Founder’s wife which is basically super expensive online Christian couples therapy.
Scott at 10:41 pm on
July 23rd, 2008
Wow…I was just rejected: a good-looking, college grad, making well into six figures, outgoing, etc. A mystery. Upon my rejection, they reported to me that I shouldn’t be concerned since they reject 20%. I say this company stinks.
Patrick at 11:52 pm on
July 28th, 2008
Heterosexual male, agnostic, just wasted a few hours on the survey and just got the rejection. I was aware that they rejected gays/lesbians out of hand, didn’t know that it went even deeper than that.
They have an agenda and they’re not being honest with people. I will make it a point to tell anyone I meet who asks about such services that eharmony discriminates against anyone (regardless of orientation) that they don’t approve of.
claudia at 5:40 pm on
August 11th, 2008
I jsut think people are too sensitive to everything these days. There are websites on dating for everybody under sun. If one does not have what you are looking for , move on and find what you need somewhere else. That is why this is a free country and there is free enterprise. Why waste your time on such trivial stuff, really. Lets be upset about bigger things in life. If a Mcdonald’s will make you fat…don’t eat it!!
that is the power of the consumer. If eharmony was the one and only place to meet people, then I would say we have a problem…but please… there are enough things in this life that justify being petty about. If someone rejects me, you know what? they don’t deserve my business in the first place!!
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What’s missing in your commentary, John, is that eHarmony matches people for *marriage*. Every couple in their advertisements are *married* after being introduced by eHarmony. I can’t believe you missed this.
Being focused, not serving everybody, is why eHarmony works great. Do you want to pay money, John, and then be matched with liars, wackos, those divorced four times, those with obstreperousness, depression and anxiety, and those that are still MARRIED? Please answer this.
Before I knew eHarmony had a Christian bent, I spent approximately 2.5 hours answering the questions. At the end of the process I got “we have no matches for you at this time.” None. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and they have no one for me? Yahoo, Match, and OKCupid found lots of matches for me — I had dates with about 1 new guy per week for months just from OKCupid and am now happily in love with one of them. Do I think I struck out on eHarmony because I checked the box “atheist”? Absolutely! Am I annoyed that I wasted hours on their questions when they could have said right up front “we don’t match people who aren’t Christian heterosexuals”? Incredibly.
Very interesting post! I had seen the Chemistry commercials and wondered if the rejections were real or just an advertising tactic.
Hi P,
I was shocked by your comment that no one would want to be matched with someone who has depression or anxiety. Just because someone is suffering from an illness does NOT mean that they are not a good partner. I wonder, would you refuse to date someone because he or she had diabetes or a heart condition? As for your comment about *marriage* (emphasis not original) I feel that you implied those who are gay should not be included in the group of people looking for a partner. Just because our society unfairly denies gay and lesbian partners the right to marry does not mean they should be screened out of a dating site. I know many people, gay and straight, who have had long and loving relationships without ever marrying. And I know many couples who marry and remain married despite the fact that the relationship does not work. So if you think that *marriage* means that a relationship is healthy and good, while “living in sin” means a relationship is somehow inferior, I would take your head out of the sand and look around you. I would also suggest some education about mental illness because your response showed a lack of compassion and understanding about depression and anxiety.
P, thanks for your comments, but where on eHarmony’s website does it explicitly say it matches people for marriage? I see stuff like,
“At eHarmony our patented Compatibility Matching System TM narrows the field from millions of candidates to a highly select group of singles with whom you share deep levels of compatibility. Where other sites match on a picture and a paragraph, eHarmony matches you based on compatibility in the most important areas of life - like values, character, intellect, sense of humor, spiritual beliefs, passion, and up to 24 other dimensions.”
and
“eHarmony is the first service within the online dating industry to use a scientific approach to matching highly compatible singles. eHarmony’s matching is based on the 29 Dimensions of Compatibility found in thousands of successful relationships. ”
Notice the lack of the word “marriage” and the use of the words “relationships” and “scientific approach.”
Honestly, I don’t care what eHarmony’s goals are (oh, btw, gay marriage is legal where I live), I care that they aren’t explicit about their biases and that they appear to be dishonest in their marketing. Either you are scientifically objective about your matching system and use real science to achieve a match. Or you aren’t, and use subjective “rule-out” criteria that consumers aren’t informed about before spending the hours necessary to complete their questionnaire.
A few years ago I signed up with eHarmony. I had several others interested in me, and I in them. As is my custom, I went back through the fine print of eHarmony and realized they had a statement I had missed before, something they have you assure: that you are in good health.
Being disabled I felt that I needed to put that in my profile, unsure of whether eHarmony would consider that in poor health. It didn’t matter, as all the people I was in communication with immediately blocked me.
It truly does seem to lean towards an idealistic population. That leaves me out.
RE: “where on eHarmony’s website does it explicitly say it matches people for marriage?”
Hmm, this is like face-vase drawing, John - you see what you want to see, and I see what I want to see. Every single page in the site’s About Us area has the words “long-term relationship,” “married,” “engaged” and “marriage”. If you don’t care and choose not to see that eH is a matrimonial heterosexual matchmaking site, then ok you won’t.
To answer the title of your post, John, please see http://digg.com/programming/Why_eHarmony_rejected_you for the official/unofficial reasons. Read it, unless you used this title rhetorically and aren’t really interested in finding out the answer.
Sure (1) yes, eH should’ve declared their admission criteria up front - in their ads, before the test, and (2) yes the rejection message (which has been unchanged since 2000) should be revised and be gentler.
Do long-term homosexual and heterosexual relationships have *identical* dynamics? I don’t know. John thinks that sexual orientation is a mere “random subjective component” among long-term relationships. He dismissed it. He probably studied this subject more than I did.
On the issue whether eH MUST be obliged to provide homosexual matching for long-term relationships, I’m sorry I don’t know. I’m sorry I have no opinion either way.
shugahsveet, I’m glad you also didn’t want to be matched with liars, wackos, those divorced four times and those who are still married. My point is that there are people that are, at this moment of their life, mentally unfit for being matched for a long-term commitment with another person. John would know some I’m sure. The eH test tries to screen them out, i.e., eH would rather lose potential paying subscribers than take money and match people less successfully.
I’m sorry to hear your experience Jean. No their T&C www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/about/terms doesn’t have a “good health” clause. I’m sorry to hear that none of your matches saw beyond your condition. It’s really sad how shallow many people are these days.
So your first link goes eventually to this:
http://neverblog.net/why-wont-eharmony-reject-me/
(which mentions an article that isn’t there any longer, but does have an excerpt from the article that gives 5 possible reasons a person is rejected). The keys to eHarmony rejection mentioned are (a) underage; (b) being married too many times (even though “too many” is subjective because there’s no study that shows a person married 3 times is okay, but a person married 4 times, no way); (c) you are currently separated (apparently separation does not equal the right to date others) or said you were married; (d) your internal consistency on taking their test suggested you answered the questions in a random way; or (e) you scored too low on one or more of their 29 subscale dimensions, specifically:
* Self-Concept (how you perceive yourself)
* Emotional Status (feeling happy, fulfilled and hopeful)
* Character (honesty and trustworthiness)
* Obstreperousness (the black hole dimension)
* Character (honesty and trustworthiness)2
* Emotion Management: Anger (expressing negative emotions constructively)
* Conflict Resolution (resolving issues).
* Family Background (happy childhood and supportiveness of your parents)
Now, of course, eHarmony isn’t going to release their “secret sauce” of how exactly they arrive at their pronouncements. But at least we’re learning a little more about what goes to into the process — which is the point of this entry in the first place.
So basically, eHarmony is looking for people from Stepford, or those who are good liars.
This Washington Post article on eHarmony sheds some additional light on their practices as well:
Waldorf says eHarmony’s matching system is based on psychological research about heterosexual relationships. Because it doesn’t have similar data on gay people, he says, the company isn’t confident that it can offer successful matches to same-sex couples. “I’m not saying anything precludes us from going into the same-sex market in the future,” he says, “but it’s not a service we offer now.”
But, again, our problem isn’t with eHarmony rejecting people so much as it is the lack of transparency into the process (or even the acknowledgment that you could be rejected!). They call themselves an online dating service when they are really an online marriage service for Christians. (Competing services, like jDate, acknowledge up-front their focus.)
What on earth is “scientifically objective” about concluding that a matching system developed through research on heterosexual married couples is valid for use with homosexuals? Researchers focusing have found that there are many significant differences between heterosexual and same-sex relationships, not to mention important differences between female and male same-sex relationship characteristics.
I would charitably submit that you are confounding your view of good science with your moral belief that gay relationships deserve to receive the same rights under law and respect in our culture as heterosexual relationships. However, you are NOT supporting best-practices in science when you suggest that a system based on research and validation in one population be applied without further ado to a population which comprises obvious and important core differences.
One thing for sure is that eHarmony didn’t explain thoroughly every detail. There are people who don’t think the way they expected and I believe it’s necessary to completely inform everyone who wants to participate.
Hi Amazed,
I think, instead of your question, it is better to ask John to expound what made him say that sexual orientation is a mere “random subjective component thrown in” in a matchmaking algorithm for long-term relationships.
P
I think some of you are missing the point, whether intentionally or getting bogged down into details.
If eHarmony isn’t for gay people, why not just say that up-front and not have them go through the 2-hour questionnaire?
If eHarmony is for creating Christian marriages, why not just say that up-front and not cloak it in other language? (They don’t even use the word “marriage” or anything similar in their TV commercials.)
Transparency and being up-front about the focus, goals and limitations of your service are helpful to consumers who are expending their time and energy to go to eHarmony, jump through their hoops, only to be rejected after the fact.
well, i put down that my religion is Buddhist, and i get a decent number of matches with eHarmony. i don’t think that it’s eHarmony that won’t give you matches if you mark ‘athiest’ or whatever, but it’s some of the close-minded members who mark from only specific religions that they are willing to date. luckily for me, i guess some chicks dig those of us into Buddhism.
eHarmony constantly sent me matches way out of the mileage range that I specified. It didn’t seem to matter whether I chose 30 or 60 miles, they continually sent me matches from hundreds of miles away. And, they just “auto-renewed” my membership for another month, which I am fighting to get back.
Yup, posts and comments from everywhere confirm that Jews, Buddhists and atheists do pass the eHarmony test and do get matches. However their March 2004 demographic data show that 91% of members are christian. Is this due to critical mass or due to test bias? I say critical mass, and it’s easy to test my case — Take the test twice with different religions.
Stuart, (1) this is the first time I’ve heard the eH system ignoring the distance “match flexibility” setting. For everyone I know, it works fine. If it doesn’t for you, tell eH customer service about it. (Come to think of it, it’s also possible that these ladies set a *different* zipcode — a nifty hack to get matches from other lands.) (2) Good luck with the refund situation. Everyone I know didn’t get theirs.
Hi Jon,
I don’t want to be a jerk on your blog. I mean, it’s your blog, and you can say what you want. But I really do think it’s important for people to realize that you are espousing a moral stance, and not a scientific one.
As far as misleading advertising… would you really be more pro-eHarmony if they called themself the “eHarmony service for heterosexual singles who want to get married!”?
The fact is, you don’t like eHarmony because you think everyone should be treated the same. This is a nice, pro-social belief, but it’s not a belief based on anything that we teach or study in the field of psychology.
The ad homonym moral stance makes your denigration of eHarmony’s “supposed science” more than a little ironic.
Here’s the deal. The service emphasizes the science of its compatibility matching system. It’s that simple. Their TV commercials don’t even mention the words “relationship” or “marriage.”
The compatibility matching system is not the whole story of how they match or don’t match users to one another. Instead, there are these other, hidden criteria (that it’s taken newspaper reporters to get from the company, since the company doesn’t mention it on their website directly) that the company will use to “reject” people as not being “compatible” with their service.
All of that different criteria being used is 100% fine, as I’ve said repeatedly. What is not 100% fine, as far as I’m concerned, is not being up-front with its users and potential users about these hidden criteria.
As for the religious angle, the U.S. is 76.5% Christian according to Census statistics. There’s no reason to believe that the demographic should be so wildly skewed Christian on their service because of “critical mass,” whatever that means.
“eHarmony is America’s #1 trusted relationship service. …Millions of people of all ages, ethnicities, and religious backgrounds have used eHarmony’s patented Compatibility Matching System™ to find the love of their lives.
In fact, recent research presented at the American Psychological Society found that eHarmony married couples are significantly happier than couples married for a similar length of time who met by other means.
Building on its enormous success matching compatible singles, eHarmony launched a revolutionary new service in 2006 to help couples achieve stronger, healthier and happier marriages. eHarmony Marriage is a personalized, interactive, online “marriage wellness” program designed to help marriages flourish by building a deepened sense of understanding, appreciation and connectedness. eHarmony Marriage gives every couple the opportunity to look at their marriage objectively and increase the joy and intimacy in a private, practical and positive program. ”
also: “90 eHarmony members on average get married every single day” The emphasis does seem to be on marriage as a result of their services.
I am glad they removed the vowing of being a healthy individual. (Though I’m back looking for the blurb.)
I’m not sure I understand why the majority can’t be catered to by a company. Isn’t that part of capitalism?
Thanks for copying and pasting material about their marriage-oriented site, which, as you note, is brand new and different than their singles matching site. Just because a company says, “Hey, we have 90 marriages a day” doesn’t at all say to me, “Hey, we may rule you out as someone ‘compatible’ with our system because of the way you answer your questionnaire, and we won’t tell you that up front.”
I’m not sure where anyone said the majority can’t be catered to? My emphasis seems to be on how up-front they are about their criteria.
My daughter met her boyfriend through eHarmony. She’s an atheist, as is her boyfriend. They’ve been together for a couple of years. She received a lot of matches, but this is the only one that stuck. I don’t think either of them ever plans to marry.
VERY interesting article. I am happily married now, but I do remember being rejected by eHarmony about half a decade ago. After answering pages and pages of questions, I was left shaking my head wondering “what in the world is wrong with me that they couldn’t find even ONE person I might be compatible with?” It’s nice to hear it confirmed now that I indeed was not the problem. Thank you for this interesting information. ~A.L
eharmony is racist. they like to reject blacks, asians, and hispanics.
I find everyones answers fascinating. I joined eharmony, although I am not a christian, because I just got tired of other sites that had emotionally unstable people in desperate need of counseling (I actually had to report a stalker from one site) and I got tired of meeting married men looking for fun on the side. I wanted a steady, long-term relationship and I found it on eharmony. Guess what, he’s not a christian either but he is mentally stable, unmarried and surprise not a republican! Funny thing is, when we met it was like the stupid commercial, we have so much in common we finish each others sentences. It’s not for everyone, but you shouldn’t knock it just because it doesn’t work for you.
I am a customer of e-Harmony, and I think there’s a misperception. The line, “We have no matches for you at this time” does not mean you are rejected. It means they don’t have anyone matched to your personality at that time. If you are rejected, you get a note saying they are unable to have you as a customer - a friend of mine got one of those.
When I first signed up, there were no matches for me. But eventually there were. Since then, I’ve been matched with more than 25 people so far. And by the way, I’m Taoist, so the whole Christian thing doesn’t apply to me, yet I don’t seem to be having trouble being matched with anyone.
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I am a rather liberal athiest living in Seattle and I have had piles and piles of matches. Heterosexual matrimonial (or at least long term relationship oriented)matchmaking service, yes, Christian, no. And what’s wrong with that, exactly? It is fairly unique in its purpose and makes no secret of it. For those of us looking for a serious hetero relationship, eHarmony has great potential, and for everyone else, there are plenty of other good sites. Good luck to ya!
I have a one major problem or flaw with regards to the eharmony website. I call it the fattie hook up site.
My problem is after 20 pages of questions regarding compatability and after your approved on the site to communicate with someone you need to email them 2-3 times before your even allowed to see what they look like. Maybe I have just had horrible luck but I can’t seem to find anyone after this communication takes place that is under 300lbs! It also makes me feel very little and horrible that I maintained a conversation and acted and sounded interested when I know I will stop talking to the person or block them after I find out what they really weigh and look like… It’s very disappointing and frustrating… It appears that all women on this site have all ready been rejected in real life and therefore there must be a reason, probably because they are not very attractive or don’t take care of themselves.
I wish eharmony would screen out the fatties! And that doesn’t seem to be a criteria or dimension of compatibility??
I would appreciate and answer to this John!
Hey all! From reading the posts it seems to me that everyone has debunked the idea that EH only matches Christians. I know I was matched with a number of athiests. Also, a number of people of different races. Yes, I was a member, and yes I met my husband on EH. When signing up I remember specifically the sight saying it did not accept members who were married, as it was designed for long lasting, committed relatioships. I also seem to remember something about it not being for homosexuals, but I’m more fuzzy on that one.
Also, John, as a Psy.D. one idea that I don’t see that you have posted that may be a consideration is that idea of a truthfulness factor in the questionnaire (if it is a valid psychological instrument) to ensure that people are answering questions consitantly, similar to other personality instruments.
So has anyone gotten a rejection notice, but then been informed at a later date that there was a match for them? You all keep quoting the site as saying “there are no matches at this time”. (I’ve never been to the site myself.) So does that mean that if someone joins a month later and matches you, that eH will send you an email to let you know? Or do they just flat out refuse your money?
I’m finding it hard to believe that any company would refuse cold hard cash. They are in the business to make money, after all. Why on earth wouldn’t they accept your money? Even if they do try to screen out the undesirables, wouldn’t it make more sense from a business standpoint to just accept your cash and just not match you with the sane people?
I can understand them not matching gays, so I’m not really talking about that point right now. (I don’t agree with it, I think it’s really crappy and closeminded, but I understand if they want their business to be just with hetero relationships) I’m talking about if they deem you “undesirable” on their test. (Depressed, etc) It just seems odd to me that they’ll tell you to go away rather than just saying “sure you can sign up, but we don’t have anyone as crazy as you right now”. I mean, do they really turn you away and not allow you to give them your credit card number? If so, this seems like a really stupid business move. How much money are they refusing on a daily basis?
Oh and to the guy who wants them to screen out the fatties: you -should- feel “little and horrible”, you’re a horrible person. Some people actually like fatties, believe it or not. I’ve stumbled onto that porn on occasion. Wow. It’s really stupid of you to assume that because you don’t like something, no one else would. If you’re the sort of person that passes eH’s screening, I guess the gays and rejects should feel lucky.
Came to this site out of curiosity, the Chemistry ads finally made me want to know.
E-Harmony’s scientific approach sounds like it should work. Too bad they don’t make it work for all their neighbors.
I believe in the teachings of Jesus and it often strikes me how most people who purport to be Christians don’t live by the teachings, like mostly: love your neighbor (all humankind) as yourself.
Should e-harmony read this, try applying Christ’s teachings to your behavior.
It is a wonderful place to live from.
Wow, I was moderately annoyed when I got rejected after spending three hours answering eharmony’s questionnaire. Now that see who they really are, I am truly enraged. I always thought the guy on the ads and every couple they present rubs me the wrong way. I thought they must only accept people who are completely non-confrontational and always bubbly and happy to produce these plastic-looking relationships. But CHRISTIAN, UGH I should have known something so devious and underhanded… I’m so mad I’m shaking. I can’t finish this thought now. I HATE eharmony for their deceptiveness. By they way I have been in a happy relationship, which I found on my own, for two years.
“Guess what, he’s not a Christian either but he is mentally stable, unmarried and surprise not a republican!”
Gee, Alyson, are all republicans unstable, or just the ones you’ve met? I’m republican, and I met my staunchly democrat fiancee on eHarmony, and we are to be married in September. Ignorant comments like yours are frustrating to no end.
I’m sorry you think all republicans are jerks, but, hey, it’s your world view and you have to live with it. My fiancee would testify under oath that this republican is a fine man indeed. Try to have a more open mind, okay? Letting go of your deeply skewed liberalism and beginning to see the world with a clear mind would be a great place to start. Good luck with that.
BTW, both of us are decidedly non-Christian, as were the five other women I met on eHarmony before my fiancee. What all six are, however, is intelligent, accomplished and interesting women, and this is where I think eHarmony shines. It give people interested in establishing serious long term relationships an avenue for meeting high quality people, while simultaneously weeding out the detritus. And it works.
Oh, and Jeff? You are not required to e-mail someone 2-3 times before seeing photos, it’s entirely up to the individual as to what stage they allow the photos to be seen. You would know that if you were a member.
I think Chemistry.com’s ad is counter-effective. It just made me even more eager to go and try E-harmony among all the matchmaking websites out there. I also believe that chemistry.com will end up attracting those who feel may be rejected by e-harmony !! (depressed, gay, married 4 times+, emotionally unstable etc…). Quite frankly, they should change the ad…unless, they are targeting the one million+ rejected by E-harmony …which is a good chunk of the population too…not bad after all
answer to Steve:
Steve at 8:18 am on March 9th, 2008
From the answer, you seem to be short-fused, easily angered, and judgemental … and I can tell … go work on yourself … this kind of temperament doesn’t help in any relationship let alone long term marriage! Conclusion: Eharmony accepts those with a realtively high potential to start and maintain a relatiosnhip. I think Eharmony should mention that upfront so that people know.
I was rejected as well. There are two things that bother my about this which kind of play on one another. One is they don’t tell you why (might be against discrimination laws they might be breaking, I don’t really know) but when they don’t give a reason why one believes it’s simply because they aren’t good enough to match you. The second plays on that where they brag about having a high success rate… which if they reject 1 in 5 people that they don’t understand and their system doesn’t work for. I would sure hope you have a high success rate. Example if they match 80% of their users successfully, they actually are only matching 64% of the people who wanted to use their service. So from that stand point it’s a rather poor performance and It might just be because they aren’t advanced enough to make accurate predictions on certain people but want to market that high success rate. On the other hand why wouldn’t you give people the option maybe tag them and notify them they hey, this person we are unable to predict successfully, everyone else would know that the person was unable to be predicted correctly thus either could be good or bad reasons but they can then choose for themselves to contact that person full well knowing they aren’t fully understood by the matching system. That would increase membership by 25%, thus increasing revenue for a lot and if these people are in fact harder to match they will be on the site for a longer period of time meaning the revenue will increase by more than 25% overall while saving face for the company and without jeopardizing it’s current users because those who would not be matched successfully would have a flag visible by all on their profile. I know some people would complain about that but I’d rather have a shot being known as dangerous than none at all. Just doesn’t seem like they really thought that through.
For the record, I’m not depressed, I’m heterosexual, I’ve never been married and I’m very stable emotionally financially etc. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me, sure my personality may conflict with some people while flourish with others but the only possible reason I can see that I was rejected for was either I’m too complex for their system or because I’m an atheist which I would really hope they wouldn’t judge the quality of a person based on their personal philosophies.
I am an atheist, and I was honest about it when I registered with eharmony. I was accepted, and I have received many matches. I have been matched with both christians and jews. I, for one, am happy that eharmony rejects a percentage of its canididates. Since it would, on the surface, be in eharmony’s interest to accept everyone and anyone to increase its subscriptions, it seems very credible that eharmony is about quality over quantity.
I love the people posting on here blaming eharmony because they believe they were rejected for ‘christian’ values. I am a christian and I am also an eharmony reject. I am also white. I am also in my 20’s, I am also single, I am also a college grad…so just about everyone that has posted here doesn’t have a clue what their talking about.
I’m not sure what criteria it takes to fit into Neil Clark Warren’s ‘Perfect World’ (my guess is blond hair, blue eyes and a little mustache) but he’s lost a lot of business because of it.
There’s no doubt about the cultish Christian foundation eHarmony is built on. But there’;s no Christian mercy for those who suffer with illnesses,e non believers, gay or want to meet someone from another ethnic group from ythierr own, especially if you’re white. Saying you want to meet a black or South Asian woman sets off the alarm messages. Also if you’re separated and awaiting divorce they will suck you in and get you to waste time with their questionnaire and when hit the last “continue” button they say sorry, you’re separated and we won’t accept you. Why don’t they just tell you that up front? The reason is that then they have the nerve to redirect you to a site run by the Founder’s wife which is basically super expensive online Christian couples therapy.
Wow…I was just rejected: a good-looking, college grad, making well into six figures, outgoing, etc. A mystery. Upon my rejection, they reported to me that I shouldn’t be concerned since they reject 20%. I say this company stinks.
Heterosexual male, agnostic, just wasted a few hours on the survey and just got the rejection. I was aware that they rejected gays/lesbians out of hand, didn’t know that it went even deeper than that.
They have an agenda and they’re not being honest with people. I will make it a point to tell anyone I meet who asks about such services that eharmony discriminates against anyone (regardless of orientation) that they don’t approve of.
I jsut think people are too sensitive to everything these days. There are websites on dating for everybody under sun. If one does not have what you are looking for , move on and find what you need somewhere else. That is why this is a free country and there is free enterprise. Why waste your time on such trivial stuff, really. Lets be upset about bigger things in life. If a Mcdonald’s will make you fat…don’t eat it!!
that is the power of the consumer. If eharmony was the one and only place to meet people, then I would say we have a problem…but please… there are enough things in this life that justify being petty about. If someone rejects me, you know what? they don’t deserve my business in the first place!!
