It is also important to note that the “Five Stages of Grief” as originally proposed were to describe the acceptance of one’s own approaching death, not to describe the stages of grief in survivors. That seems to be widely misunderstood.

I would like to say that 2 years ago i found my boyfriend after he had hung himself,we were together for quite some time,he suffered from depression which was through sexual and mental abuse when he was young by his so called mother,now as an adult he was in and out of jail a bit,had a drug and alcohol problem but hidden inside was one very smart,gorgeous,loyal,adorable person but he could not get rid of the lost,confused,betrayed,sad,unforgiving feelings that stayed permanently with him,I thought that i had enough of him one night and i broke it all off between us (i was real angry at him but i never really meant it for ever) and thats when he hung himself about an hour later,Now my initial reaction when i found him was to abuse him,like i was saying “what have you done Rob”, “your a ****** idiot” and things like that and then for a few days after that i spent the time telling people what happened between us that night,then i started doubting my love for him cause i couldnt cry and i hated that feeling because i knew i did,I started to have real bad anxiety as thoughts consumed my head as i was freaking out not knowing if he suffered or not and i was thinking the worse as i was waiting for autopsy to be revealed and i took up a lot of time ringing the coroners office,I now look back and realise that my body must have been in shock and thats why i was doing some weird things,After the funeral i started to blame myself and really started to realise that this was for real and hes never coming home and then i would just bawl my eyes out until i fell asleep this went on for a good year and a bit,I was having horrible visions when i would close my eyes of how i found him that night so i would try and not sleep so i didnt have to deal with this and this still goes on today but i have learnt to live with it and i wont sleep until i just drop,I have never gone through an anger stage yet as i believe he had a raw deal in life and he doesnt need one in death,i believe that it was a waste of a beautiful life and i feel heaps sorry for him that he had suicide to look foward to as a means to the end of his problems,the same thing has always gone over and over in my mind and some times can be very overwhelming for me and thats the question “what was going through his mind in the last 10 minutes of being alive and how he thought and felt straight away when he hung himself” because apparently he didnt die straight away and i have no idea how long he was alive for and this is what breaks my heart and over whelms me is my own theory about how he would of suffered till the end and what he was thinking.Its been 2 years now and im still stuck in depression and so often i spend days in bed,i have almost totally shut myself off from everyone as i find it real hard when i go out as i get real funny and nervy and i badly cant shake the urge of wanting to go home,this is why i got myself a computer,ive lost so many friends and i hardly see my family anymore,its not like i want to be like this its just all happening automatically and sometimes i try and control my feelings and i can for a moment but then i slip again.Sometimes actually i do feel a little anger towards him as he changed my life forever and i didnt have a choice but before it turns into full anger its gone because i realise how much i love and miss him.Anyhow the only grief stages ive gone through in 2 years is denial(shock),depression(lonliness)and acceptance(not that i wanted to) but the rest i havnt dealt with and im not sure if i ever will so it goes to show that not everyone has to deal with every stage of grief,i thankyou so much for taking the time to read my story,one thing i did forget to mention though is for about a 6 month period off and on i would experience when im feeling overwhelmed that i to want to hang myself right in the same spot where he did it and that was very,very scary when i got like that as i really thought that if i keep feeling that way i will do it one day but i kept telling myself that i couldnt do it to my children as no way do i want them to go through the pain and suffering that i experience everyday and thats exactly what would happen x3. Heather

Heather Gray,
Thanks for posting your story, i could really relate to how you are feeling right now. Life can sometimes seems so hard, and when we expect a helping hand there is no one to turn to except ourselves. I guess it is really a choice, wether we want to get up off bed or weep. There is really nothing you can expect from this world, you only have the Faith that is gonna be your one and only turning point.

Although the world is dark and you yourselve feel gloomy and at one with it, you can be your own candle light. So please, forgive all your past experiences with gratitude.

With Love.

Dear Heather,
I can empathize with you–I lost my husband of 51 years 14 months ago. I have a degree in psychology and studied all about the stages of grieving. Experience has taught me that nobody can know how I feel, and nobody can know exactly how you feel. I don’t know if you have thought about medical help, but the circumstances of your discovery of your boyfriend are very extreme and must be terrible to deal with. There are medications that could help you so much–please see your doctor. I don’t know anyone strong enough to work through this alone–get help and get your life back.

OMG!! i HAVE been through exactly the same thing! My boyfriend hung hisself but i didnt find him, even tho I do see his body after, and everything u av just said is exactly how i felt, thank u for that, its med me feel better xx

what a sad story,i hope u moved on now. forgive yourself gray. everything happens for a reason.

I was trying to find a way that I could help myself deal with the loss of my mother so I looked here. I am 23 years old and my mother was only 49. She died of a drug overdose July 29th 2007. I wanted to write to this because I am going though a “Stage” a grief that i can not find anywhere, and its Guilt. I feel so guilty that I didn’t save her. You see that very day July 29th 07 I spoke with my mother around 1 pm. She sounded really messed up and I knew that she was on something. You see my mother has had a problem with drugs all her life so I was used to hearing her like this. But I didn’t do anything. I should have called 911. Or I should have stayed with her instead of staying away. You see my mother and father are divorced and she remarried. Sadly her husband found her dead on the floor when he went to check on her sleeping. But you see my guilt is overwhelming me because when I spoke with her I promised I would call her back, But you see I never did. I got to caught up in work or whatever. Then when I realized I had forgotten to call her I received a call from my Aunt ( her sister) telling me she was in a comma. Please I don’t know what to do. I am at my wits end please help.

my son died last Nov. 2006. It is Sept 2007. I am crashing, I am to chicken to kill myself, but I have nothing to live for. My boy was everything to me, he was 27 getting ready to get married had his dream job, and he was handling a gun and it went off going thru his eye. His fiancee was right there, an RN but couldn’t save him. He lived with us till he was 25. He was my baby. Those stupid five stages of grief, I hate hearing that. It is no dif. now than the day it happened. My husband and I are just surviving, not living. Our hearts and lives went with our son to Heaven. Why did God do this to me? I prayed for his safety everyday!! He was a firefighter, I prayed for his safety in driving, his job and in general. I loved him with every fiber of my being. I am so sick of hearing prayer works, there was never a more diligent person praying than I for my son. You don’t get over this, you just deplore everyday that you have to be here until you die.

I don’t know what to think about the stages of grief. I read all these stories and my heart breaks for the situations some people are forced to face.

My brother died on Aug 10/07 of a drug overdose. I too am dealing with a stage of guilt. I was aware that he was into things and tried talking to him more than once. Sometimes I felt like i got through and other times he became defensive and would deny that he was up to anything at all. I could always tell and more than offering support, I offered judgement and was pissed off with him causing my parents and myself so much worry. He must have felt like a burden. There were times that I believe he really tried to kick it but was far too hard for him to do on his own.

For years, people have said the sayings “he’s gotta hit rock bottom, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help”. I bought into that but now feel a whole lot different. You can’t give up your life to help someone but you can’t give up on them either. They need a “safe place” where they can turn without judgement or lectures. I’m not saying to enable this behavior but to still let them know that people believe in them and they love them and want a better life for them. Keep drilling that into their heads and even, in the end, if it makes no difference, you can fully believe that you tried.

Instead, my brother turned to a bunch of addicts who lived in the same hotel where he set up house. That was his comfort, the very people who stole his things only moments after he overdosed. His comfort came in a needle. Now I’m left to wonder why? Now I’m left to worry for my parents and how they beat themselves up. I’m devastated, angry and so very sorry.

I don’t understand why tragedy strikes some more than others. I don’t understand how the sun still rises and sets everyday like everything is normal when it’s so not.

I’m not religious but do believe in a better life after this one. I hope he has found peace there.

In response to what “Debbie says” it makes me think of my own Mom and although the circumstances were entirely different, the end result is the same. So rather than offer some prayer banter (which I just don’t have) I will say from my heart as if it was to my mom. Hang on and keep talking, cry, and continue to talk about him, keep the memory alive. Try and lean on your husband and let him lean back. No, I don’t believe you will ever get over this, but you must go on (not get over it)…..life is precious (not that I feel that right now) but my auntie too lost her son at 16 years old in a car accident and she has been a true inspiration to me. Life still has more to offer you.

A book you may find interesting is called a letter to a greiving heart. Some nice messages in there.

You’re in my thoughts.

I prefer to start 5 stages with No.5 first ie., ACCEPTANCE. We have to learn to accept everything… whatever comes into the life and surrender to the Almighty’s wish, then grief will not dare to touch us.

I just stumbled on this site after doing a search and decided to comment on a couple of things.

Heather,

If you’re still out there, you probably have PTSD and need a therapist. Meds will help with depression but if want to move past the traumatic event itself you need a therapist who specializes in PTSD.

Hope,

My daughter is a recovering IV drug addict with a dual diagnosis. I’ve learned a lot about the addiction industry and some of it isn’t good. The points you made about a “safe place” are so true.

The addiction industry tells you that it’s a disease, just like diabetes or something else along those lines. Yet, they espouse kicking an addict to the curb so they can hit rock bottom. That in itself is controlling and against their mantra, the Serenity Prayer. I don’t know many people who would kick a diabetic out of their home, or judge and condemn them, because they sneak sugary sweets when others aren’t watching.

My daughter suffers anxiety and it’s been there ever since she was a child. Previously unknown to us, she’s had panic attacks since she was 6. It’s easy to look back now and remember all the times I thought she was making up stories about having a heart attack.

Unfortunately, almost every doctor out there tried to put her on antidepressants, when her panic attacks were organic in nature. We found the one doctor in our area who looks for causes beyond a psychological nature and she’s now on beta blockers to suppress adrenaline surges.

In the process, he discovered that at some point in time she suffered a concussion that is impairing her cognitive abilities. She is undergoing neurological therapy for it and the prognosis is good.

She also has PTSD after, among other things, watching a friend die in a horrible car wreck. She is seeing a psychotherapist for this and making wonderful progress.

Benjamin Franklin said the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results.

By not accepting the status quo, by developing her own plan, my daughter is still alive. No thanks to a medical community and addiction industry who use cookie cutter molds.

My thoughts and prayers to all for your losses. May you find serenity soon.

Heather, that is such a sad story. I hate to hear that you blame yourself sometimes for what happened. Things happen for reasons and sometimes we tend to forget that. Only God can help you with the greif. I wish the best for you.

all my prayers to you..

Heather, please read Joan Didion’s A Year Of Magical Thinking

I have had many situations in my life where i was convinced it was time to end it, my latest selfish thought was this morning (22nd march 09) i do tend to seek solitude at the bottom of a bottle, but after reading the above storys above i’ve decided to face the problem head on with my chin held high. My problem is hard to avoid and i am a very unloved person which makes it hard to find a safe place, i’m 22 and a father of a beautiful baby boy, and It’s time for me to make him proud, your storys have made me realise the world isn’t out to get me, we all suffer from time to time, and It’s not fair to make others suffer for your own sadness. I thank the writers of the above storys, you may have just saved a life, i’m inspired. Jay.

I was just trying to find some more information about the 5 stages of grief, simply because I feel like a magnet to anything and everything that is related to Psychology, when I bumped into this website. I just want to say how very deeply sorry I am for everyone and anyone who has suffered but was also brave enough to share everything here. May God be with you..