A while back I wrote a post on Addiction Transfer to which where posted several comments. Recently, I received comments from one reader, Mary, who requested additional information about where to go for help for her alcoholic mother. Mary, this entry is for you.
First of all, let me start off by saying; I am not a therapist or a doctor. I am simply a resourceful, empathetic and persevering individual. My work in the field of mental health was primarily as a mentor, a life skills coach and as an advocate and proxy of therapeutic and medical care for people suffering from a wide spectrum of mental disorders. My advice comes to you only from the sources available to me, which are, at this moment in time, the internet and my experience knowing people who have dealt substance abuse.
The best thing for you to do is contact a professional in the field of alcohol addiction. My understanding is that with programs like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), they spend a great deal of time dealing with the root cause of the behavior. It sounds like there are other issues going on with your mother besides the past overeating and current alcoholism, as you have stated in your comments. In the long run, a program which dealt with the causes of the problem instead of just treating the symptoms (consumption of alcohol), would be most advantageous in order to fend off the possibility of her overcoming the alcoholism only to develop another addictive behavior, an Addiction Transfer. However, in the short term, and especially in cases where abuse of a substance is involved, I do believe that we must deal with the behavior right away versus putting off dealing with it because we can’t find a program that fits all of our long term needs. Because you don’t think you will be able to convince your mother to attend an AA meeting right away, I’ve done a little research and found a few other ideas to try first;
First and foremost, get help from a professional. If you aren’t comfortable asking around to find one, check out The American Council on Alcoholism, where you can search for treatment centers in your area, locate support groups for both alcoholics and friends/family of alcoholics and get more personalized help by calling their toll-free hotline. If you don’t live in an area where there are a lot of meeting centers, you can also attend online support groups, which you can also search for on this page.
Also, I highly recommend Al-Anon, a support group for families and friends of alcoholics. I’ve heard very good things about them. You can access their homepage here.
Finally, if you would like to find or request written materials visit The US Department of Health and Human Services Drug and Alcohol information page. At first glance, a lot of the information I found on this page was the typical anti-substance abuse literature for youth. However, when I clicked on the top sub-heading “Audience”, I was able to select the papers on a multitude of different demographic populations, including “Older Adults”, “Women” and “Parents”, all areas which you may want to browse through in order to find what you are looking for.
Lastly, do not to despair if the first attempt at utilizing these or other resources fails. If I have learned one thing in this life it is that most things worth doing take much practice. People will only change when they want to, so I guess it makes it our job to convince them to want it. If you have siblings or other willing family members, recruit them to the mission, you are going to need backup.
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How can you help your alcoholic parent? « Younger Every Year (4/20/2007)
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“How can you help your alcoholic parent?”
SMART Recovery is another approach to overcoming addictions. It’s non-religious, unlike the 12 step programs.
** Find a way to go to Al-Anon meetings immediately. This will be the best way to get resources and support.
** If you can’t go to a face to face, visit http://www.stepchat.com/ and join in the online meetings. There is one at least once a day.
** You can’t control or change an alcoholic. It’s not your fault. You have to learn how to cope, gain strength, and find a way to get out. Otherwise, you will suffer the effects and lose who you are in their problems. This can lead to alcohol and drug addiction for yourself.
SAVED BY GRACE
I originally got to AA in 1974 and drank after nearly 11years…AA doesn’t keep one sober. I actually attempted suicide before I drank, and after my suicide attempt was unsuccessful, I drank to kill the pain.
When I eventually recovered from my suicide attempt and “bust” I went back to AA, because it was familiar. I imagine AA to be quite controlling, which was very much like my history.
In 1994 I started seeing a therapist and he helped me process my feelings. He is a recovered alcoholic and had processed his own history. Anyway, I did years of group therapy and EMDR. [Body Memory Therapy].
All I knew from my childhood was terror, pain, shame, and guilt and I was able to feel these feelings and get support by other people in my group. About 3 years ago, I dropped into a “black hole” and had to be hospitalized…. I had 4 months of absolute terror; I thought I was in hell.
One day I asked Jesus Christ {not a bedpan} to have mercy on me and forgive me my sins. Slowly all my fear and guilt has dissipated and today, I am just, Micky [A child of God]. What I had learned – my process in Hospital - that is what it was like for me as a child [METAMORPHOSIS]. I am not an ALCOHOLIC - I am a SINNER. AA [Satan] nearly got my soul but Jesus Christ the Son of GOD delivered me. I am blessed - because, I had to lose control to gain control [JESUS CHRIST] which has nothing to do with handing my will over to a higher power. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life John 3: 16].
Peace Be With You
Micky
I have a acholic dad and a acholic step mom.
I don’t know what to do i tryed one time when my dad was going to get another beer i step in front of him and said “no!” and my dad just looked at my and said nothening but then my stepmom came out and starting to put me in a guilt trip. SO i gave my dad the beer. When ever i ask for something for school i feel bad because i know were low on money but its all being spent on beer. I don’t know what to do i always wish i had a differnet life and that i was never born but it never works i don’t know what to do. I ask my real mom that seperated my dad because of his drinking if i could move in with her and she said i dont care but i’m not taking your father to court. so last summer i asked my dad but he said no and we just got in to a big fight and i never got to live with my mom. I’m despret i need help i feel like crying every time i see the beer in are house please can someone please help me!
I recently came up on this website due to the fact that my mom is a alcholic and she isnt getting better and doesnt want too… she has managed to push everyone that loves her away my heart hurts for her and I want too help her I moved from Virginia back to Louisiana to help my sister with my mom hoping that maybe I could make a difference but sadly I must confess things are worse I am so afraid of getting a call from someone sayinf my mom is dead….. she tells everyone in my old neighborhood that her kids dont care about her and that is not true I am really lost at this point we want to help her but I think we have made matters worse..
I feel for you –deeply! I have 5 kids, and 4 of them have drug or alcohol addictions. I am presently trying to get my teen-age grand-kids in “al-ateen”. I,myself, go to Alanon.There is absolutely NOTHING you can do for your Mother, UNTIL, she is ready to get help for herself.She has a disease (sickness) that is far stronger than her will to quit the drinking. She needs professional help. Right now you need to get yourself into a support group ,and just remember — none of this is YOUR fault! Your Mother loves you, but drinking has taken over her life. Maybe by going to Alateen meetings, she will see that YOU are reaching out for help, and maybe she will do the same.Through the grace of God and your prayers, your Mom will see the light. Try to stay strong — for yourself, and you WILL get through this crisis. God bless.
My dad is an alcoholic-
I just found out two days ago that he is on life support in the hospital. He has always been an alcoholic and pushed his family away. I am going to see him in the hospital hopefully before he passes. He is barely 50 years of age, and living with it throughout my entire childhood,I KNOW that alcoholics can only help themselves, no one can do it for them.
Godbless
My friend has a drinking problem since he was teenager, he is 59 now. Because of his drinking habit he’s got lots of health problems, but he just dosen’t see that.
Because of oxegen/breathing problem he’s on disability, but he dosnt’s like to stay home, and because of that he is drinking more and more everyday, it’s get really bad, very hard on family. Please tell us how can we help him?
i am 12 yrs. old and my dad is an alcoholic. my mom and me try to coupe with it but it gets to be too much for me, and even though she wont say it but my mom has had enough of it as well.i barely see my dad at home but when i do i hate him. i know i shouldnt but i do. Sometimes i pray that he will die from alcohol posioning or get into a car accident from drunk driving because i know our life would be better. i know it sounds heartless. but you can’t talk to him about that stuff. he thinks its his way or no way, and that he is always right. If you try to talk to him he will yell and throw stuff but not at you just near you. Me and my mom were going to move out around the end of june but she keeps putting it off. We have a money probably so i think she thinks she would feel gulity to leave all of that on him. but he has a well paying job that at least he can keep. so he probably wont lose the house and if he does he can crash at one of his beer buddies house. He is 57 and an alcoholic.
please help me ! im 17
my mum is a alcoholic and suffers from skitaphrenia she has had this for 5 years !
how can i help her?
she drinks everyday and has pushed everyone away exept the people that actually want to help her because her problem is getting worse.she tryed killing me once and the next day she didnt even know,she thinks she has met the krays :S and thinks there after her this is really getting to me and my family she has just got a eviction notice and owes alot of rent and me and my gran have to pay it off ! she dosnt think she needs help though but she does really bad i cant stop thinking how she is going to end up she is even sending me into depression ringing me up every five minutes shouting and screaming. please id be gratefull for your advice this has been going on long enough…..please take my email adress if you have anything you think id need -; stephanie_burrow@hotmail.co.uk
My mom is an alcoholic, i am 15 years old and is fed up with it. I have two siblings that are 26 and 18. My 26 year old sister doesn’t live with us and has her own life and doesnt notice much that goes on. My 18 year old brother ignores anything that causes him pain but lately he has showed alot of emotion for it and you can tell he is fed up as well. My dad is a few years younger than my mom and when they got married he drank alot but really wasn’t considered an alcoholic and my mom uses that as an excuse to drink now. She also works five days a week and eight hours a day while my father is a fireman and works only a few days a week. She also makes the excuse about how my dad causes her to drink because she works alot harder than he does and makes so much more money and how her friends are able to stay home from work while their husbands go to work and she can’t. My mom has done this for a few years now. I was alot younger when it started so i didnt realize it at first. But now that i have to deal with it practically everyday i have got to learn about what she does not drunk and drunk and i can tell within the first 30 seconds of a conversation if she has been drinking of if she hasn’t as well as when she comes through the door at the end of the day it takes me again about 30 seconds to figure it out. My dad and i have a different relationship than other father and daughters because of this and we talk about her all the time and we always say i wonder if shes gonna come home from work fine today or drunk again. We have said something to her many times before and when we do she just stops drinking for maybe two or three days and then starts again. My mom about a year ago had attempted to hurt herself. She had taken a knife and started vutting her wrists and then my dad found her and took the knife away and told her to stop. The about a half hour later i found her with a razor cutting her wrist passed out on the ground, i felt like crap when i saw her. It made me feel like i didn;t mean anything to her but she claimed she was doing it because of my dad and i tried cleaning her off and putting a bandaid on her and a little while later my dad found her again and ripped of the bandaids and did it again and it made me feel like she just wanted to die and didnt care about me or any of my other family members. The next day we all talked to her and she said shed stop but never did and nobody every did anything about it. I want this to end and i am fed up with this crap and i dont know what to do. I am only 15 but i am smart enough to know that i need to do something or else my mom will end up dead one day, to soon. I need help and i dont know what to do and i want to make her change but i dont want her to be pushed away even more than i have already.
Well my mom just got a DUI to day and now what should I do in the future to prevent this from happening again and I am 14. But stays strait most of the time(right) and my dad died my you please help me.
i am 15 and my mum has a alcohol problem, she has been drinking for 10 yrs but it has gradually got worse. she has driven my sister 17 and brother 23 away from her and they dont talk anymore. she had my little sister four yrs ago and left her when she was three, i feel sorry for her and i know my mum wants to be there but the alcohol is taking over. we all have told her about her addiction but she does not listen, she is in self denial. when i ask her to get help she tells me that she needs time, but thats everytime i ask her. she lately got a new boyfriend also a alcoholic, he beat her up alot and then she finally got rid of him. her drinking has got worse and i just dont want to see her die; if anyone knows a helpline i could use please let me know..
Claire
I think it’s wonderful that you care about your mom as you do. I was mom’s little girl and I often made it my business to help her when she seemed to need it. All parents eventually will need their children because they have weaknesses just like we do (even though we are their children).
There are a few lines that may help you. The first is called Al-Anon/Alateen at http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/, their number is 1-800-425-2666. This service works with family members of alcohol abusers. They can more than likely lead you to services that may be more helpful to your mother. You can also meet with others who are experiencing all the things you are. They are basically a support group; they have an online support group if that is more conducive.
Another one is: The American Council on Alcoholism at http://www.aca-usa.org/ . You can search their website for information that may help enlighten you to some things about alcohol abuse. If you click on “resources” in the top left hand corner, there is information there that is helpful.
There is also: Women for sobriety at http://www.womenforsobriety.org/ . Speaks specifically to females. You can certainly email them on information that you may need access to.
I don’t want to overwhelm you, so I am only offeriing the more significant resources. A source that may be most helpful to you is: Alcoholics Anonymous. You may have heard about them; this organization works with individual’s who are dependent upon substances such as alochol. You may locate them at: http://www.aa.org/lang/en/aasite_finder.cfm?origpage=72 . Click on a link with the name of your state and it should take you the rest of the way.
I applaud you for being a strong solder!
Take care
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 22 Feb 2007
