Valentine’s Day is over and so, perhaps, is your relationship. Breakups can be a huge loss, with grief appropriate to a death; in a way it is a death, the end of the shared hopes and dreams, a home and identity as a couple. Expect to go through stages of sadness, anger, bargaining, etc. until reaching acceptance.
There are no shortage of resources online to help you deal with a breakup. One fun article is from biker pundit Ed Moyer:
You have got to get up out of that bean bag chair, put down the bag of Cheetos, roll the kegs of beer back to the liquor store, stumble into the shower and actually use soap, shampoo, conditioner (if you have enough hair) and unless you want to do your own impersonation of Grizzly Adams, shave.
A wise woman once told me, “There’s no pill for a broken heart.” But there are supports, and if the broken heart worsens into a mental illness there are more options.
While most people hurt and move on without major complications, if you’re predisposed then a breakup can be a crisis big enough to trigger clinical depression, a bipolar episode, worsening OCD and anxiety symptoms, addiction, and even the emergence of Borderline Personality Disorder. How can you tell what is normal breakup grief and what has become pathological? You can take some online quizzes and such but ultimately they will point you towards consulting a therapist or psychiatrist to help you with a diagnosis and treatment plan (if needed).
Here’s a good article from Caremark Health Resources on the differences between breakup grief and full-blown depression, and details some things you can do to help yourself heal.
Certainly, the pain associated with losing a loved one is not confined to married couples. Some studies indicate that as many as one out of five teen-agers suffers depression because of a romantic breakup. Teenagers who’ve gone through a romantic breakup, in fact, are more likely to experience the onset of a major depression while still in adolescence, according to a study published in the Journal of Abnormal Psychology in 1999. If the phrase “love is a drug” has any basis in fact, its sudden loss can be likened to going through drug withdrawal, and often involves the same harrowing set of symptoms: real physical pain, sleeplessness, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, loss of motivation, and thoughts of suicide. If you have constant thoughts of suicide, it’s important that you talk to a doctor or call a crisis line immediately.
A little humor can also soothe broken spirits (but not suicidal thoughts! See a professional…). Breakup News is one funny site. Their description:
Hate married people? Tired of engagement news? Still want to sleep with your ex but don’t know if he/she is in a new relationship? Breakup News is the place to get the announcements that really matter. Get the skinny on recently ruptured romances. Announce to the world that you’re back, and looking for nub in all the wrong places. Spend a few minutes away from porn sites. For consideration, please submit your break up news (click on the heart above). It needn’t be witty, as long as it’s true, and really, really painful.
Of course, don’t forget country music, plus that bit of folk wisdom: “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.”
Finally, a look at the brain science behind romantic rejection suggests two stages, first trying to win the lover back, and then on to despair/grief and in some cases depression, which can even result in heart attack and stroke. Literally dying of a broken heart. Read Dumped! by Helen Fisher.
(7 votes, average: 4.57 out of 5)
Loading ...You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Links to This Article
Channel Health Direct » Early Rheumatoid Arthritis Symptoms: Predicting the Risk (3/20/2007)
Fitness Goals | Super Health USA (3/31/2007)
13 Comments to
“Lost Love”
My relationship of 2 years ended in a disaster about 4 months ago and i’m still not over it. I cry almost everyday. My depression has plumetted. I don’t think i’ll ever get over him. I feel so helpless. I’ve tried everything to help myself, but nothing works. And it’s to the point where i’ve completely isolated myself from everyone and everything. It feels like a part of me died when my relationship ended.
It does feel like a part dies, I know. Sorry you’re going through this. Sounds like you could benefit from treatment, so please talk to your doctor or local mental health professional soon. There are also divorce support groups and other programs designed for just what you’re going through.
The tendency is to isolate in depression, and feeling helpless/hopeless is another symptom, but being symptomatic is a reason to go past those ideas and seek help. Depression is treatable, horrid as things seem now. It will change.
I have been examing the nature of the breakup deep within my soul, which I have found quite excruciating, but more rewarding then the general superficial breakup advice typically given. When my ex broke up with me, I tried the shave, get a hair cut, go out on a date approach… this wasn’t effective. I can tel you why too. This is an outward appearance of self-esteem, but inside you still feel like crap. You haven’t dared to explore the dark aspect of your soul. You begin to feel more cleansed when you release all of the tension inside, rather than just to hide it. I am not suggesting that you don’t care of your hygeine, but this Biker guy isn’t right. Us guys have a knack of supressing our emotions. Its what we do… but then it comes out at the wrong time. Why wait to get out all of your anger from this old relationship until you are in a new relationship? Why not get out all of the sorrow, guilt, resentment, and anger NOW, when you are single? I think if you do this when you are alone, you have a better chance of either winnng back the one you had, or forming a new relationship, not out of superficiality, but rather a fully authentic and cleansed spirit. Don’t be afriad to cry. Of course healing your heart will take courage, because you’re going to find a place within that you are afraid of. It is possible to heal it on your own, but as I have found you have to be brave enough to take on the challenge! And we’re not really feeling brave when we have a broken heart. But it will help you to move through this bog. Don’t drown in it, swim in it, bask in it for a while. Its your time to write letters to your ex and tear her picture up if you want. Whatever it takes, in order to come not only to a level of acceptance, but one also that lets go of all resentment. Letting go, is not about letting go of love as I have learned. No, you hold on to the love, but you release the emotional dependency, and you learn to forgive without conditions, this includes the condition of whether the other person loves you or not.
my relationship ended 8 months ago. we decided, two weeks ago to try again. something happened that ended it even worse than how it ended the first time. I’m very sad. I hurt a lot. what doesn’t make it better is the fact that I work with him and see him almost everyday.
“help me Jesus”
My boyfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago. He’d been going through some tough times at work as well as issues with his finances. Things were always great with us, but for months I could tell he was unhappy due to his job. Since then, I am completely shattered. I struggle to get up and go to work and even have difficulty carrying on conversations. We are still seeing each other, last week we spent 3 nights together. It’s like I’ll get him back for 2 days, he’ll completely open up to me like nothing ever happened, and then the next day he’ll shut me out again. This is killing me. I constantly feel insecure, but do not want to cut off the contact, in case he just needs time to figure out he wants to be with me. At the same time, I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this, it’s taking a toll on me. I don’t know what to do to make things better…
Sorry you’re feeling so bad, Swimmer. I wish I could give you more solid advice but I’m not the expert. Please talk to people who’ve been through what you have (online support groups are great) or a pro trained to deal with these issues.
It’ll get better, really.
Hello…
Want to say few things to you…
Am an Indian but currently working abroad..fell in love with a very beautiful girl abroad who is a nondian…things were very fine till i became possessive “I know possessiveness is really a poison” but there was a reason behind it i had a complex in me thinking that all the nationals in this country has the 100% qualification of marrying her..and almost many of them whom she call friends had proposed her and wanted to at least talk to her and just to hear a voice…she respect friends but it was not their intention many tried proposing her again and again but i didn’t like this i wanted her to stop talking to these nationals but this created a fight but she was not ready to listen to me she was right she don’t want to break up with her friends but i was so possessive and having a fear that I will lose her…but this finally happened because of my killing possessiveness i lost her and i am feeling sorry about it now I didn’t probably understand her i tried my best even today to make her understand since she alreaedy gave me lot of warnings and excused me manytimes she was not ready to hear my words…
I really don’t know how will i come out of this…because i really don’t want to lose her i really love her so much but seems like she got fed up from my possessiveness…
The truth is there is not even a single day pass without missing her or without diving deep in to my memories with her..i really love her…wat will i do now??
Thirty years ago I was in a very tumultuous relationship with a girl in university. I was the controlling one and my pressure pushed her away from me. We both moved on after graduation and raised wonderful families. I’ve thought about her off and on for all those years but I knew she was married soon after our break-up and never wanted to intrude on her life. I think she was equally respectful of me as she never called me once. I can honestly say that I love my wife with all my heart. But now, you guessed it, we found each other through a school-related website. We’ve started communuicating, very tentatively. The feelings I have are very strong and extremely confusing. I know what I should do. I just don’t know what I want to do. This past month has put me on an emotional roller-coaster the likes of which I have not been on, well, in thirty years. What would you do?
What would I do? Sorry, but I’m the last person you’d want to ask for advice on love, Rick.
Fortunately Psych Central does have some wiser people available to answer your question: check out Ask the Therapist or for an even quicker response, our Answers forum.
Good luck!
Hello Again Sandra,
Thanks for the note but I was not trying to get a specific answer from you. Although this may be my scenario, I was describing a situation that others may have experienced and lived through. The question should have been more like “if this happened to you, what do you think would happen?”
Cheers
R
Okay, let’s cut to the quick. Forget the age and past experiences of the people involved (I for one am tired of sites that seem to think only teens have breakup problems, it’s everyone who’s cared for someone, okay?) Next, let’s look at the cause of the break up. If neither person is willing to sit down and figure out what went wrong, who’s needs weren’t met and _why_ they weren’t (lack of clear, effective communication followed by recognition of a problem then followed by real _action_ and not lipservice, or worse, ignorance or avoidance outright) then that’s the issue which will likely follow them into thier following relationships until they _do_ sitdown and work it out. If one was bad to the other and _knew_ it, then, yes, they _are_ at fault, for whatever reason, they did the deed, face it. After facing it, take some explative deleted responsibility for the action and work to rebuild trust.
For those that did thier best, know it and couldn’t get closure or those that know, clearly what went wrong and want to try again, ask youself: is it truely worth it? Do you have other options? Can you “go off and focus on yourself, dreams, goals and needs” without them and “make yourself a better person which they’ll regret having lost”?
All well and good.
Nice ad.
Nice “don’t worry, it’ll get better eventually” soulless, empty, useless web burp.
Now then, if you’re still reading and have a sense of urgency, a sense of fair play and are not “just moving on” you do have options.
1) Start to delve into what it was about this one person that means so much to you that you’re still not “so over” them. Sit down and create a list to figure it out. Then, if your friends and relatives are of no help, it’s time to find a therapist that will _listen_ to you and try to help you. If that really, _really_ means medication, then _consider_ it. If it means building your self esteem up then work on it.
2) It’s time to get your self as together as you can and be as honest with yourself as possible and figure out what you do have to offer them. Then, carefully, legally, unerringly, go after them and spend the time to win them back. Thier friendship, thier respect and then their love again.
Will you get answers as to what happened?
It depends.
Were they at fault?
Did they (no, seriously here) have an emotional or mental issue (Bipolar, Attention Deficit Disorder, Depression, ect) that contributed to the breakup?
Last, find some way to blog or share the process with the rest of the world, because you are _so_ not alone in this struggle.
Now get going and good luck.
Oh, and Chado, I agree with you on some points, but not all.
I agree that it _is_ superficial to give yourself a physical make over that is just a cover, just the outershell. And that is not just how the person looks (clothes, hair, weight (+/-), money, job, education, things, awards, achievements, recognition, etc.). That’s all external. That is not the “you” behind the eyes that makes decisions about what to do next based on understanding of what has happened in the past.
I agree the self exploration _can_ be a deep and dark journey. But that really depends upon what you’ve already seen, experieanced and learned _before_ the search began.
There is the _very_ real possibility that a person has done that and knows themselves _very_ well before the relationship, brought all of that knowledge, understanding, acceptance, patience, nurture, support and love to the relationship, saught a balance of give and take, communicated needs, asked for reflection and understanding, and the relationship _still_ failed.
At that point it is not only difficult for someone to be told “Go figure out what you’re about, what you want out of life and what you have to offer” when they do, honestly know. And no one can tell you what you want out of life. THat has to come from inside. If you really don’t know, then there is a need for a search to clarify. But if you do, then I, for one, think you have a right to tell someone that says you need to do further, deeper searching to jump off. They are not helping you.
I would say destroying any mementos would be a bad idea when they can be placed in a box or storage of some sort until they can be handled better.
As for the idea of forgiveness unconditionally…
There are at least two schools of thought on that.
Can you truely forgive someone fo something they did, knowingly, and not expect them to come back into your life without appologizing fully and acting in a way that respects you as a person to never do it again?
There is a justified concern of the even occuring again if all involved do not understand what happened, accept thier roles in it and work to prevent that from happening again.
Perhaps it comes down to growing up in the sense of recognizing that _both_ people in the relationship have a _responsibility_ not only to the other, but to themselves to _not_ let what transpired to occur again. If not, then they have not grown, have not matured and have not learned to be capable of being in a mature (notice, I do _not_ say “adult”) relationship.
Oh, and humor can only take you so far.
If the pain is there and not resolved then humor is really just a defense to not deal. It becomes a way to follow the path of avoidance.
Avoiding something now does not make it go away.
But too many people are too afraid to deal and end up alone for longer periods than they need to be.
When you have a choice between avoidance of the underlining issues (playing Happy go lucky person for months is one avoidance, drugs and other addictions are another (becoming deeply releigious and spiritual is an addiction, folks, think about it)) and dealing with the issues sit down and think about it. If avoidance really feels “easier” then there really may be a deep, deep issue at play.
Facing that, slowly, carefully, yes, may be the real resolutioon you need in the end.
Short and early, versus long and protracted.
Your choice.
Join the Conversation! Post a Comment:
Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 16 Feb 2007
