The February 19 2007 issue of New York Magazine has an interesting article about how praising your child’s intelligence might lead to unintended effects:
When parents praise their children’s intelligence, they believe they are providing the solution to this problem. According to a survey conducted by Columbia University, 85 percent of American parents think it’s important to tell their kids that they’re smart. In and around the New York area, according to my own (admittedly nonscientific) poll, the number is more like 100 percent. Everyone does it, habitually. The constant praise is meant to be an angel on the shoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their talents short.
But a growing body of research—and a new study from the trenches of the New York public-school system—strongly suggests it might be the other way around. Giving kids the label of “smart” does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it.
This is interesting research and goes against conventional wisdom of parents where it is assumed heaping tons of praise upon a child can’t really have any negative effects. It’s a behavior that parents (and uncles like myself) find almost impossible to stop, because it comes so naturally to people to want to praise a child.
Yet, at least in the case of when it comes to their smarts, we should probably resist the temptation to do so, especially at the earliest of ages.
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3 Comments to
“Praising Your Kids Might Lead to the Unintended”
I believe that the praise causes too much pressure on the child to succeed.
The schools put that pressure on me by putting me in accellerated classes and coming from a seriously dysfunctional family of sarcasm and put downs, I imagine my personal feelings as a failure combined with the pressure from the schools made a perfect combo for me becoming truant and eventually quitting high school.
I became a single parent with an extremely intelligent and gifted son. I praised him for every accomplishment. When his primary school skipped him from the 4th to the 6th grade advanced class, his school performance decreased to the point where he lost interest in it completely. He didn’t do the work, I didn’t know about it at the time until I saw his poor grades.
He got A’s easily in Jr High if he liked the instructor and barely passed the other classes.
I understood his behavior because I had been exactly the same way, except my parents didn’t pay attention to what I was doing and my mother belittled me if I ever told her of an accomplishment. I worked hard for a teacher who took notice of me and expected good performance and praised me for it when I succeeded.
I too quit high school at 15 when my father died… he was the only person who did take an interest in my life and gave me a lot of encouragement. I not only quit school, but quit my piano lessons, I had been playing since I was 6 and was very gifted.
In my 20’s I wanted to get a good education and got it through my own efforts.
On the other hand, my son turned out to be a gifted guitarrist and is well known and very successful but I know he has feelings of being a failure because he has had no formal education and tends to be competitive with me in a defensive way. He is extremely abusive to me.
I think it’s best to just take an interest in what your child is doing and not assume his/her boredom with school is because of being too advanced for that class. What’s wrong with learning easily? I think students can be encouraged and praised without being singled out as someone who can do more.
It’s important to encourage children when they do a good job to pursue what interests them and give praise when praise is due.
Being a parent is a heavy responsibility that entails a great deal of love and comfort in order for the child to develop a secure bond and help development. Praising is viewed by parents to be a positive form of encouragement. I firmly agree with the parental wisdom that has been around for ages. I believe that praising is a way to get a person, not just a child, to try their best. The praise inflicts an extra boost of confidence and an increase in self-esteem. The added self confidence can propel the child to new heights and widen his or her perspectives. I somewhat agree with the point that the praise puts too much pressure on the child because if the parents tell the children that they are “smart,” then the children might feel as though they have let the parents down if they come home with a bad grade in school. However in that situation, I believe that the children would bounce back and succeed due to the parental support. In my experiences as a child, I feel that praising does more good than harm and it is an important aspect in the life of a child.
I was a smart underachieving kid–so said my permanent record, every single year. I did the barest minimum work, often drunk or stoned. In college I became an English major and learned a fancy word for what I thought was expected of me: spretzatura. It’s like an intellectual form of Calvinism. You can’t apply yourself through effort; you’re either elect or damned. But I found a third way: love. Reading 300 pages of Chaucer wasn’t a slog, it was my passion. Falling in love with writing put the dignity back into effort for me. That is what saved me. I am sure of it.
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Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 14 Feb 2007
