I remarried 5 years ago and moved to my husband’s native country (non english). My 2 sons are grown up and have their own lives in my native country I visit every 2 months.

Since living here I have not been able to feel at home. I hate it here and my life has become very insular. I rarely go out, only with my husband and even then I don’t like to. I have been very sad with whole days or weeks of tearfulness. That time has passed and I am now very numb feeling. I have lack of interest in anything and cannot bring myself to do anything. I miss my family very much and cannot wait until my stepson is old enough for us to move to my home country.

I am always tired, fed up and disinterested. I have had a lot of health problems, some of which have settled but I still ache and feel very tired all day. My biggest concern is the not wanting to go out. I make all kinds of excuses to myself, I delay, I feel very stressed and anxious if I have to go out. I struggle with the language (I have had lessons but find it difficult) and am always worried that someone will speak to me. Before I moved here I was a kindergarden teacher and had a normal social life.

I have told my husband how I feel and he is understanding and sympathetic but there’s really nothing he can do to help. I went to the doctor for a check up and told him how I have been feeling. He said he didn’t think I’m depressed. I’m not so sure, I’ve never been treated for depression so I have no idea myself. He says I ‘have to get out more’ er yes, that IS the problem.

I have tried a language group in the area but hated it as they wouldn’t let us speak! The leaders just did all the talking and when a woman approached me to talk to me (in the second language) we were told off! The local language courses are finished now and I have no contact at all with the outside world apart from once a week to the supermarket with my husband and occasional trips out (which I don’t really like). Really, my question is: Could this be depression or maybe Agrophobia? I do not feel suicidal but I must admit to feeling that I just will be glad when life is over naturally.

A: You must love your husband very much to have made this move. It sounds like it hasn’t been what you imagined it might be. Please don’t be hard on yourself. It’s a major adjustment to move to an entirely different country and culture.

Yes, you certainly could be suffering from a situational depression. Or – it could be an adjustment disorder. Or – it could also be that you are lonely, homesick and grieving the loss of everything that is familiar to you. Talking to a mental health counselor could help you sort it out.

I’m so very sorry that the language school was so unhelpful. The whole point of language is to speak! As an educator, I can’t imagine scolding people for trying to do the very thing that is being taught. I’m sorry there doesn’t seem to be another opportunity. That being the case, I do suggest you purchase a language program on CDs or online. Having more vocabulary will help you feel less alien.

Although your doctor meant well by telling you to get out more, it is easier said than done. I’m wondering if maybe one way for you to get back into the world is to do some volunteer work with little children. You were a kindergarten teacher so working with children is part of your identity. I wonder if there is a daycare center that could use your help for a few hours a week. Or maybe you could offer to read stories to little ones at the local library or to play with them so their parents can have a few minutes to do their business there. As you know, children aren’t judgmental. Their language is simpler. And you would probably begin to meet some of their mothers. It might be a gentle way for you to venture out. Having a task to do will make it easier to relate to people and will help motivate you to get out regularly.

One more thing: If you haven’t learned how to use Skype, ask someone to show you how. Skype lets us use the computer to see and talk to people who are far away. Skype would let you have more regular contact with family and friends in your own country so you would be less lonely.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’m 15 and I have lived the worst life possible so far. My parents are separated and my dad is not in my life anymore he used to keep in touch every once in a while but since last summer after he married my cousin I have not heard from. I have tried to reach out to him numerous of times but nothing seems to work. I constantly beat myself up about the situation assuming its my fault he rather love someone else’s kids than his own. My mom has had a tough time raising my brother and I and we have moved from house to house reason being we have been kicked out because of my mom not paying the rent. My life have been so depressing i used to be so social but this all changed when I met this guy whom I I feel in love with I will keep is name private and call him Julian. Julian was 18 when we first started talking I know that old but younger guys have always took control over me and Julian “did understand me” . I thought we would be together forever and I didn’t want anyone coming in between us but months later I found out he was cheating on me. I still stayed with him but now it’s a year and 8 months later and it seems like I’m in an emotional wreck, I want to leave him but yet I want to stay with him. Although causes so much pain in my life he mentally abuses me and its detroying me. My mom is going crazy just today she called me a “failure” which hurt me more than anything . My brother just graduated and he never is home because he says he needs to escape from home. He used to be the only person who gave me hope but now I have none at all. I cut my self a lot I tried drowning myself and Over dosing but I stopped . But I don’t know what to do I just really don’t want too live anymore !!

A. You are obviously in a great deal of emotional pain. You’re dealing with a lot and are punishing yourself through self-harm and by attempting to overdose. People who engage in self-harm often do so because they don’t have the necessary coping skills to handle stressful life situations.

Your father’s decision to leave his family was not your fault. He apparently thought it was morally acceptable to abandon his family. His choices are a reflection on him and not a statement of your worth as a human being. You must believe that you are a lovable, worthy person even when your parents make poor choices.

You fell in love with an individual who doesn’t value you. When we do not value ourselves, then we allow others to treat us unkindly. When you come to love and value yourself, you will no longer tolerate being treated unjustly.

Your home life has been unstable and traumatizing. Your mother is unable to support you and even says hurtful things to you. Life is hard for you, as it is for many people, but it will eventually get better. Problems are a part of life. Everyone experiences problems but the key to dealing with them effectively is to arm yourself with good problem-solving skills. These skills can be learned in psychotherapy.

It’s important to seek professional help. In the absence of problem-solving skills, you are resorting to acts of desperation to relieve your emotional pain. Psychotherapy can teach you these essential skills.

If you feel that you may harm yourself, call 911 or go to the emergency room. You should tell your mother about these issues. If you feel that you cannot talk to her, then speak to someone at your school. They can assist you in receiving the proper mental health treatment. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

I’ve currently been dating a man for 8 months. He’s 45, never been married and has no kids. I’m 1 month away from a finalized divorce and share 2 little boys with my ex. My married relationship has been over for years and I’ve dated a bit before I got into my current relationship.

My current relationship has been fast, but fantastic. We laugh a lot together, we can communicate really well, have been able to very successfully work through and resolve conflict, our sexlife is great, we share the same goals for life and we continue to share and build a trust and a bond which we both haven’t felt with anyone else.

The problem is, he feels like he’s living in the shadow of my ex and feels like he’ll always be standing on the outside looking in. THe only thing we fight about is my ex. I have not much contact with my ex except when it involves my kids. There has been a bit of drama going through the divorce but not much. My boyfriend has been very supportive but obsesses about my past life. I want to reassure him and make him feel like he is number 1 in my life, because he is. He just can’t get over me having an ex and says that will bother him always.

My boyfriend suffers from extreme depression and I know that the stress from my impending divorce must be brutal for him to deal with at times. But we love each other and we have put 8 months into this relationship, which in my eyes and I believe in his, a relationship that holds so much promise. What should I do?

A: What you should do is slow down. Eight months is a very short time to make a lifetime decision. You may think your marriage was over long ago but you haven’t been divorced. Please take the time to make sense of your prior relationship and what went wrong. You’ll be sharing parenting even if you aren’t sharing a life together so it’s important to gain perspective and, hopefully, a positive working relationship with your ex.

Your boyfriend seems to want you to have no past. That’s unrealistic and unfair. To be with you is to be with someone who has had a life that was different from his own. He’s right that he will always be on the outside to some extent. That’s not the problem. The problem is that he can’t accept that fact as your reality. You have two little boys who ideally should have a relationship with their father. They can also have a relationship with a stepdad, of course. But it’s unfair of your boyfriend to ask you and the boys to act as if the other man isn’t still an important person in the life of your family.

I very much hope your boyfriend is in active treatment for his depression. He needs to be doing the hard work involved in learning to manage a mental illness, not asking you to change your history to make it easier for him.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

When I was in fifth grade, there was this boy whom i usually pick fights with. I never understood why but the boy pissed me off for no reasons. I will always start something so that I can argue with him. After fifth grade, our family moved away from that town and I have never seen him since. However when I was in eighth grade, I started to have dreams about him and then I realized that I am in love with him. I assumed that it was because he was the complete opposite of me and that was just a crush. The feelings unfortunately did not fade with time like I hope. I found that my ‘love’ towards him grew stronger by the day, if that could be called love. I keep track on his Facebook and twitter accounts, so that i am kept updated about his daily activities. I fantasize about him all day long, however I did not pay that any mind as I assumed that it was normal. For your information, I have never been in a relationship as I am unable to scrape off my feelings for him. I have never been attracted to men apart from him. I tried to get rid of this feeling in every way that I could but I could not. Recently, I found my self hating every single of his female friends for being close to him. I am unable to sleep nowadays as I keep thinking of him, I fantasize killing his female friends as I want to keep him all to myself. The thing is I know that he might not even remember me anymore, but subconsciously, I always include him in my plans, for example, the other day I was at this furniture shop and there was this cabinet that got my attention, and I start imagining buying it for our,me and the guy’s, house. I also like to start a conversation with my own mind, so at that time, my mind reminded me that he does not even aware of my existence, and that got me really upset. For your information, i have thought of killing the guy so that nobody can have him. What should I do? I have not seen him for so long and yet I am like this. I cannot forget about him at all. I do not want to be a stalker.

A. You seem obsessed with this man. Per your own admission, you fantasize about him day and night. You track his cyber interactions. You don’t sleep because you can’t stop thinking about him. You’ve considered killing his female friends. You are now contemplating murder because in your mind if you can’t have him no one can.

Those are dangerous thoughts. You can’t control your feelings and the concern is that you’ll be unable to control your behavior.

If you were to hurt this man or his female friends, you could lose your freedom. You could spend the rest of your life in prison. You might even be sentenced to die, which in your country of Malaysia is execution by hanging. Virtually all religions believe murder is a sin. Should you carry out your deadly desires you would destroy your life and the lives of many people. Are you really willing sacrifice your life for someone who is not even aware of your existence?

He was your first love, even if you didn’t know it was love at first. Firsts, of any kind, can be hard to forget. In your case, it was not only a first but an “only.” New relationships will help you forget past relationships. If you had experienced more relationships, you might barely remember your first love.

The responsible course of action is to seek professional help. Psychotherapy can assist you in controlling your feelings and behavior. It could prevent a tragedy that would undoubtedly ruin your life and the lives of many others. I hope you make the responsible choice and seek professional help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

When I was a child my father always insulted me. I remember he made me cry almost everyday when we were doing my homework because I couldn’t do things right. He made fun of me when I got things wrong or just kept screaming at me. He treated me as if I had no opinions or will, I remember he used to tell me “Don’t ask, you are only here to obey!”. I don’t remember much about my mother being there, she’s still living with us, I just don’t remember what she told me or did back then, she just tells me that she was scared of him.

Now that I’m 22, I realise that this has impacted me in a big way. I’m almost like him; I’m always arguing with people, I don’t have many friends, always pointing out negative things people have and the thing that made me come here is that I can’t have a girlfriend. Every time I like a girl (3 until now), instead of feeling good I start to feel bad, it hurts, not because she doesn’t like me back, it just hurts even at the beginning when I have a couple of days of meeting her. A friend told me it was fear of being rejected or not accepted as I am just like my father used to do back when I was a child.

What can I do to fix this? I don’t hate my father, I just know he was treated the same way he is treating me. Sometimes he tells me things to bother me or insult and even though I feel bad at the moment, I say to myself “I don’t care”.
Thanks.

A: Children tend to learn what they live. Just as your father learned to be a negative, judgmental man from his father, you’ve learned the same thing from him. But here’s the good thing: Anything we learn, we can unlearn. Being judgmental and critical isn’t genetic. It’s just the result of picking up a bad habit.

Give yourself lots of credit for recognizing the problem. And listen to your friend. I think he’s onto something. You can change this. Really. You can. You are only 22. You still have a lot of growing and developing yet to do.

Start disciplining yourself to say 3 positive things for every negative thing you say. Practice random acts of kindness. Make a promise to yourself to do several small favors for others every day – and do it. Ask your friend to catch you whenever you are doing something generous, kind or positive. You need positive feedback. And – do the same thing for your dad. He needs to start hearing about what he is doing right too. Whenever he does or says the least little thing that is positive, let him know how much you appreciate it. The most important thing is to be genuine about it. If it sounds sarcastic, this will backfire. If you can be more generous with compliments, it will be contagious.

A turnaround won’t happen instantly but it will happen. Keep a private journal or what you are doing and how it is going. I suspect that in about 3 months, if you do these things, you will begin to see a shift in your family and in your own attitude.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I have been married to my husband for 12 yrs we have 4 children the oldest is 9 and the youngest is 9 months old. My husband and I have been having problems for a long time.

Our problem is me I guess to say. I have a very Jealous issue with him. I hate him talking to other females when I am not around even the ones he works with. I feel they want him and he will leave me for his co workers. He has lost all his friends bc I don’t want him hanging with them bc I feel his friends are going to pick up girls and my husband is going to cheat on me. We would fight really bad about it. He basically stopped hanging with them bc he wanted me to be happy. Even his own mother I hated when he would g and call her when. Wasn’t around I would be so angry and start saying mean things to him, l only liked him calling his mom when I was around and it would have to be on speaker phone so I could hear. I felt she would want to say bad things about me. He told me that I was paranoid and she doesn’t. I would even get mad with her texting him. I always checked his phone to see his texts or calls.

I also don’t like going out with me I get so mad if he goes somewhere with out me which means taking the whole family out to the food store or where ever. I have hated all his jobs he has worked at bc I feel he is going to leave me for his co workers. I always called him at work his cell phone 1st and during his lunch break if he didn’t answer I would call back untill he did answer. If he didn’t answer it got me so angry and then I wild call his work line which then I would yell at the receptionist.

Basically I don’t trust My kids going to other people’s house as well. I don’t like them even taking the bus. I need help and envy dr thought I was depressed and prescribed depression meds which did nothing. They now think I’m bipolar and the meds don’t help either I don’t know what’s wrong with me I need help suggestions would be great thanks!

A: I agree. Your problem seems to be within yourself. You are in grave danger of creating the very things you most fear. Your jealousy is isolating your family from normal friendships and relationships. At some point, your husband will have had enough! As your kids get older, and going through the normal separations of the teen years, they too will withdraw from you.

What you are calling “jealousy” is actually very deep-seated insecurity. Either something happened to you that makes you feel that the people you love will abandon you or you have a personality disorder that makes you emotionally unstable – or both. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of what you’ve written. But a mental health counselor can.

I hope your family means enough to you for you to go get an evaluation. There is still time to fix this. So far, your husband is somehow tolerating your fears and is generally supportive. Your children are still young. With some work, you can save your marriage and keep your family together. But it won’t happen without the work. I suggest you take your letter and this response to the first session. It will give your therapy a jump-start.

I applaud you for writing. You probably had to work up your courage to admit that you have a problem. Hold onto that strength and call to make an appointment with a therapist today.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I like to be alone ,and I just don’t know what to do about it to be a normal girl. I feel a sense of relief when I am alone ,and I don’t like to put in an effort to get ready ,and go out. I would rather be alone ,and not have everyone around me, even while I am writting about being around people I start to feel a sort of anxiety of sorts I can’t really explain it. I like to stay home ,and away from people ,and I feel calmer when I am the only one at my house ,and I feel better when my parents leave. I know that since I am in high school I should feel that need to be going out with friends ,and I find myself making up excuses to when I get invited to go somewhere just so that I can be alone. Only my family knows my aversion of being around people ,but even then they don’t know the extent of how I feel of just the thought of being around people, the fear that rises in the pit of my stomach ,and the feeling of becoming trapped, and not being able to breath as if someone is chocking me. I am known for being a rather friendly person and I have been told of how I am good at making new friends and when meeting new people I could be described as a loud person that is very open about her feelings. I can not say that I am truly comfortable with someone I always feel like I can’t trust anyone and that I am going to get hurt. I know that I was touched inappropriately twice when I was younger by a family member ,but when I told my mother about being touched she just brushed me off and changed the topic so I am not sure if she doesn’t believe me or if she knows something that she would rather not talk about. So I am not sure if that is involved with the way I am now ,or if it has nothing to do with it. I honestly enjoy being alone ,and not having to worry about anything ,or anyone, whenever I have to go out and be around people I get jumpy and my heart starts to race , so how can I become normal?

A. The desire for solitude and privacy is not unhealthy. In fact, it’s a preference for many psychologically healthy people. That is not to say that they avoid people and fail to develop deep, meaningful relationships but they’re comfortable, more so than the average person, with solitude.

Your desire for solitude, however, is based upon fear. That is unhealthy. You avoid people because you can’t trust them. You fear that you’re going to be hurt. Keeping your distance is a form of protection.

In essence, this is a trust issue. Sometimes people have trust issues if they’ve been hurt in the past. They may have never had close relationships and aren’t sure how to navigate or manage those relationships. People fear the unknown.

You asked about how can you become “normal.” Normal is relative but I think what you mean is how you can learn to normally interact with people. One immediate strategy is face your fears. This means forcing yourself to interact with people even when you feel anxiety. Each time you avoid these interactions due to anxiety, it reinforces your fears. It hurts you every time you give into your anxiety. Sit with your anxiety and force yourself to interact with people even if it’s uncomfortable and unpleasant (and it will be). Ideally, you should work with a therapist who can support and guide you through this process.

Therapy may be a challenge because of your trust issues but many people enter therapy because of trust issues. You’re not alone and therapy can be immensely helpful. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

My boyfriend has hundreds of pictures of naked women on his phone and computer, which I know is kind of normal for men but the issue is he is not very intimate with me. He hardly touches my body, doesn’t not try to get to know my body. He says he loves me and would never cheat on me, that he just likes to look. It breaks my heart though to think of him fantasizing about the women in the pictures while he masturbates or having sex with me because all the pictures are of women with big boobs and big butts, which I have neither. We argue about this a lot. Am I just being over jealous? Or should I be concern?

A: Stay concerned. The real issue is the fact that you are not receiving the affection you want. Whatever the reason or distraction with your boyfriend, the bottom line is you want more of a connection with him and the porn isn’t helping.

I would focus on the bottom line and explain what you need from him. Give it a month and reevaluate how it is going. If you don’t see some improvement it may be time for some couples therapy. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have been in a relationship for 1 year with my girlfriend and I have been separated for 2 1/2 years now. My divorce is now 2 months away. I have 2 children. My son is 8 & my daughter is 5. I want to introduce my kids to my girlfriend but I feel very scared because of the possibility of my kids having to go through a separation again. My relationship with my girlfriend is GREAT.I have introduced her to my parents and my sister and I have also meet most of her family. She understands my decision of not introducing my kids to her yet but I believe she is worried whether that day will ever come… I don’t want to lose her because of my fear of the unknown… Please help!!!

A: I appreciate your sensitivity and concern. The fact that you have this awareness now – almost regardless of what you choose to do — is the more important thing. Your children have a father who is invested in their well-being and that is more important than the specific path that gets chosen.

For others reading this answer I want to note that the answer would be different depending on the age of the children. At such a young age, in this circumstance you would want to err on the side of waiting. Since the divorce is imminent I would at least wait until the entanglements with that process are complete. I would then very gradually expose them to her in small doses, giving them a chance to react. Here are some of the top books by experts on the topic.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I’ve been happily married for 22 years. For 15 of those years, I thought I had a good relationship with both my in-laws. FIL called me “number 1” and loved me, but he passed away 3 years ago. I bent over backwards for both of them. Things changed about 7 years ago when I suddenly found out my MIL “can’t stand” me. I don’t take it personally because she is rude and offensive to everyone, however I did stop making all the effort in the relationship. But since then our relationship and her behavior keeps getting worse. My MIL prefers to be able to be mean and yell then state she doesn’t want to talk about it and storms off. Then later on she will pretend that nothing happened and pretend to be cheery (she has taken medication for depression for decades so pretend is the right word). If I try to bring up our problems to sit down with her and calmly talk through them, she blows me off and says “why are you so difficult?”.

In the past, I apologized for whatever to smooth things over but she doesn’t apologize. My husband has advised me over the years to ignore what she does and says and just move on and also pretend nothing is wrong. I’ve always thought this was the wrong approach, but it was his family so I went along with it. He sticks up for me and told her she crossed the line, but she ignores him. I even tried to call her twice after the last incident to apologize for upsetting her, but she never returned my calls or has spoken to me since.

So, am I off the hook to apologize to her for upsetting her? Do I have any responsibility to speak to her other than “hello and good-by” and answer her questions? Also, do I have to have to cook dinner for her if she comes to my house? If the family goes out to dinner do I have to go? Do I have the right to ask my husband not to invite her for the holidays? I hate that my husband and my teen kids are in the middle of this drama. I hope you can provide some advice because I’m losing sleep over this.

A: Please listen to your husband. He’s giving you good advice. Even better, he has stood up for you and given you ongoing support. Like his father before him, he’s acting as a buffer between you and his impossible mother.

This difficult woman isn’t about to change, no matter what you say or do. She has been this way forever. She sees no reason to put in the effort to be more agreeable. She doesn’t care about the relationship as much as you do. Let it go.

The best thing to do in such a situation is to take the high road and do what makes you feel best about yourself. That probably means occasionally going along when there’s a family event, cooking dinner for her now and then, and including her in holidays. Just because someone is mean doesn’t mean that it’s okay to answer in kind. Instead, you can come up with a few stock phrases when she is critical or offensive. “I’ll think about it.” “Thank you for the input.” “I know what you mean.” Such statements don’t commit you to anything but keep the social wheels moving.

Explain to the kids that you put up with her because she is old and she is family. Let them know they should be polite, as you are, but that they don’t have to take her rudeness personally or seriously. She’s a sad, sad person. When she leaves, you can all breathe a sigh of relief and be happy that you don’t see the world as she does.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I grew up in a divorced home with its share of dysfunction. My parents bad-talked each other to me starting when I was as young as six or seven–about totally inappropriate things such as infidelity. I was an only child being shuttled back and forth between their houses several times a year. Neither physically abused me, though my mother would crack me upside the head and put me in my place if I was disrespectful. Both of them could be harsh and bordering on verbally abusive, but nothing that would have warranted a CPS intervention.

The real issue: While I love my parents as a relative and care about their well-being, especially as they’re getting older, on a personal level I just don’t like them very much as people. Their attitudes, views of the world, conversation topics, ways of dealing with people in general, even some of their mannerisms can just irritate the hell out of me whenever we get together.

They place the most importance on the most ridiculous, meaningless B.S. that does not matter at all in the big scheme of life–such as activities I participated in during high school, what I might have said I wanted to be when I grew up as a kid 20+ years ago, or even some random and meaningless comment I might have made as a grade-schooler. They perpetually live in the past and can’t let it go, they refuse to acknowledge anything relevant that’s going on in the present with me (career-wise and such), and I frankly hate that. If it didn’t happen 15-25 years ago, it’s not important to them. I feel we have absolutely nothing in common but the same DNA. Getting together with them is a chore for me, and I would like to have a healthy adult-to-adult relationship with them. I just don’t realistically see that happening.

I suppose I just want some assurance I’m not some kind of soulless monster because I feel this way. I have a wonderful fiancée I love more than anything, and I want to eventually start our own family and be the kind of parent to our future kids that I never had. I just feel better when I’m away from my parents; they can at times feel emotionally toxic to me. Am I a bad person for feeling like this? Thanks for reading; it feels better just to get it off my chest.

A: You are not a soulless monster! Your parents have become perfect role models of what you don’t want to become, and what not to do. Having learned firsthand the impact of their poor behaviors and attitude, you will be inspired to do things differently.

Limiting contact with your parents is self-protective self-care. Why put yourself though a miserable time with people who don’t make you feel good? Invest in the people who have reciprocal love for you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My boyfriend and I have been on and off for just over two years. We can’t even go 1 week without fighting and will go long periods of time (up to four months) without talking. I have taken him on 1 date, and he may have taken me out once, but that is about it. 99% of our fights are text messages. He doesn’t take anything I say seriously, he verbally attacks me all the time, imp pathetic, a train wreck, a waste of his two years… so he says when he is mad. I don’t understand how he could say he loves me? He doesn’t treat me well at all and I feel abused by him. He makes me feel insecure and like I can’t do better. He belittles me, downplays all of my accomplishments. He talks about everyone behind his or her backs, he speaks poorly of my family, my family hates him, my friends hate him, I may hate him. I’m upset with him more than I’m happy with him. He makes me feel awful. He has control over me and he likes to make me unhappy. I always go back to him because I feel alone…but he makes me feel alone when we are together as well. I would say that I am at the end of my rope but what does that even mean? I have said it so many times but I keep going back. He makes me so unhappy, he is sooo cheap, and he isn’t kind or caring…. so I guess I am saying that our morals and values are completely different. He got me pregnant, I couldn’t keep it due to health reasons, and when I freaked out (and I freaked out), he told me that the way I handled myself with the news was the biggest turn off. He said it made him not attracted to me. I was pregnant with an abusive mans child and he was treating me like I didn’t handle it properly. How could he know how it should be handled? Was he pregnant? Did he have to kill his child? It broke my heart and all he had to say about it was that I didn’t handle it properly. He speaks nothing but horrible words about women; he says that we are all the same. IF HE HATES WOMEN SO MUCH, WHY DOESNT HE JUST GET A BOYFRIEND? I need help. (Sorry for my horrid grammar, I am very upset.)

A: The desire to make something unworkable work has left you in orbit around your boyfriend. His issues would require some very intense interventions over an extended period of time.

The real question here is: What kind of support do you need to leave? There is nothing here to work on, nothing to build on, yet you remain in orbit hoping for him to change. In an indirect way, by returning to the relationship you are allowing him to continue treating you poorly.

I would contact the local women’s center in your area for support, therapy, and if needed some legal advice. Don’t wait. Men with the anger management issues your boyfriend has usually continue to escalate. Don’t let his misogynistic ways continue to harm your well-being.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My grandson’s mother suffers from nightmares, that seem real to her…Hallucinations? Can we help her? She is a 25 year old mother of one, she was sexually abused as and adolescent, and her father abandoned the family when she was about 11 years old, she is the oldest with 2 brothers…My son loves her very much they have a beautiful child together.

occasionally she wakes up in a fright punching, crying and believes that he has choked her to the point of passing out, she had an episode the other morning I’ve never seen anyone so pale, there were no marks to indicate anything was amiss (I am a retired in Law Enforcement Sgt.) I honestly believe she thinks this happened to her…this is just one episode. She is going to counseling for the childhood abuse, and does take medication things were very good for about a month with no nightmares/hallucinations. What if anything can me and my wife do to help? Thank you

A: What you are describing is common to people who have suffered terrible abuse. Her nightmares are a kind of flashback where she relives the trauma.

I’m very glad she is in therapy. With good treatment, she can work through the awful events of childhood and move on. What you can do is love her and support her. Ask her if you can join her in a session or two of her therapy to learn specific ways to help her. Because people are so individual in their stories, I can’t offer you anything more concrete but the therapist who has gotten to know her well certainly can.

You and her new family are the best “treatment” I can think of. You all offer her an alternative to what she experienced growing up. That in itself offers an important alternative story for her life.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

18 months ago my wife had a nervous breakdown at work. She had psychotherapy and is on meds for anxiety/depression, but has never been able to return to work. Since that time, she has been having conversations with herself, sometimes out loud, usually not, that she subsequently believes to have actually occurred. As a result of which, she acts on the false information. She also has become very absent-minded as a result of the conversations, leaving food out to spoil, driving erratically, etc. She is in denial regarding any mental health issues. Currently, she has told me she can no longer live with me as a result of such conversations because of things I was alleged to have done or not done or things I don’t recall since I was not actually part of the conversation.

A: The denial system in people who struggle with the symptoms can be very powerful and frustrating to those closest to them. It seems as if two things would be warranted. First, psychiatric evaluation of the medicine she’s taking to reevaluate its effectiveness might be important. Secondly, couples therapy where some of your concerns can be entered in front of a third party may be very valuable. Without some insight into her condition the long-term prognosis would not be good. I think these two sources of consultation would be important for both of you at this time.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I want to help my mom, but she refuses to believe there’s anything wrong with her, and i have no idea what to do. Growing up, she was very overprotective, to the point of it being ridiculous (ie – asking what Santa claus got me for Christmas last year at the age of 25 then starts crying when i tell her I’m not a child, i’m a woman with my own place). I remember growing up, she would hold me back because she was afraid of everything and the shopping was terrible. She has had temper tantrums IN THE STORE when i would ask if we could go home. Her current husband tells me she still has them till this day and she’s a 60 year old woman! She’d make comments on how one day i’d love to shop and would want to meet a man who could work so i could shop all day, so i should learn how to dress well, be thin and have great hair. I was at the time worried about what we would eat and where we would live, not some stupid name brand jeans. She’s spend so much money on crap and hours at malls and would move me around all the time out of the blue just because she was tired of her job and the town. The only reason why we weren’t homeless and i was able to move out at a young age is because my father did leave us emotionally, but was wealthy enough to help and was always financially there for me, no questions asked.

I never knew what mood she was in, and it seemed like the smallest thing would have her either cry “i’m a bad mom” for hours or throw things at me and scream like a four year old child. She is currently married, and the man she married seems to take care of her, but when she complains about him, (like complains about how his ex-wife gets amnesty from the divorce for example, or how he’d leave a store when she starts acting like a child then pick her up later) its hard to really take her side and say he’s a jerk rather than tell her to get help.

She is convinced that my brother and i have abandoned her, when we are both trying to live as normal adults. I really dread talking to her on the phone (we live far away) because i know either i will get a guilt trip about not living with her or talking to her 3-5 times per day or will get yelled at for being a bad daughter. I have a life here, i have a boyfriend here, a decent job and getting a PhD in a few years. It makes me feel guilty like i should be there and shouldn’t give up on her, but when i suggested she get help or i’d leave, she just throw a shoe at me and told me she wasn’t crazy, then cried for hours. I was gone the next day. This was 8 years ago. What can i do to help her and not abandon her? I truly feel guilty, but i also remember what it was like.

A: What you are describing could be the behaviors of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD is characterized by unstable relationships and emotional dysregulation. Fear of abandonment often fuels emotional turmoil. I suggest you read up on it and see if it fits.

If so, all you can do is love her and be clear about your own boundaries. When she calls, don’t try to reason with her or to defend your life. Don’t take sides in her complaints or arguments. It won’t change her and will only make you more frustrated. Just tell her you are sorry she feels the way she does; that she knows in her heart that you love her; and that you will talk to her when she is able to be calm. If she can’t calm down, tell her you have something to do and you’ll talk to her later. Then politely hang up.

It sometimes helps to set a time when someone like your mom can count on hearing from you. You might make an arrangement to call her, say, every Sunday evening at 8:00 and guarantee her an hour. Let her know that you are happy to have a good chat at that time but that your life is too busy to call her in between. Politely end the call after the hour is up, no matter what is going on. By compartmentalizing the calls, you give her something to count on and you give yourself room to get on with your own life.

You can certainly share information about BPD with her but she may not listen to that any more than she has listened to other things. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) has been found to be very helpful for people who carry that diagnosis. You might want to find out if there is a DBT therapist near her in case she is open to getting treatment.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie