Hello! Between age 21-25 I went through 3 very bad relationships ended in rejection, on the last one I had to be hospitalized, I couldn`t eat for days huge stomach pains from stress but I recovered and moved on. I noticed now in my 30+ I have no feeling of compassion, my friends say I have no heart. If somebody dies I don`t feel anything I have to pretend that I care. Even my own father end up in hospital in critical condition and deep down I felt nothing. My body can`t produce any sense of emotion about anything. I don`t care, I do`n bother anybody but people around are affected and say I need to see somebody. Is this serious?

A. You described yourself as someone who does not feel emotion. Friends are also concerned about what they perceive to be your lack of emotion. In one instance, your father was in the hospital and you said you felt nothing. If I had the opportunity to interview you, I would want to know more about your relationship with your father. If you and he were not close and you did not love your father, then I would not see your reaction as odd. Parents and their children do not always have close relationships. It may seem odd to the outsider that you felt nothing for your father when he was critically ill but if you and he were never close, then your reaction makes sense. It’s difficult to feel emotion for someone with whom you are not close.

With regard to what your friends say, it would been helpful to have had specific examples of why they think you lack emotion. It would’ve also have been helpful to have had more details about the times in which someone dies and you feel no emotion. If the person who died was not someone with whom you were close, again it would not be unusual for you to feel no emotion.

One thing that we can say with certainty is that there was a time when you could feel emotion. In fact, you felt very strong emotion. The breakups you experienced were emotionally difficult. If you are indeed stunted in your ability to feel emotion, then it may have been in response to the devastating effects of those earlier breakups. Lacking emotion, or having an inability to feel emotion, may be an unconscious defense mechanism that protects you from having to feel strong, negative emotions.

My recommendation would be to have an evaluation by a mental health professional. The purpose of the evaluation would be to determine if your perceived lack of emotion is accurate. It may be but I do not have enough information to make that determination. It’s worth having an evaluation to know if this problem is serious. It is abnormal to not feel emotion and there are treatments that could assist you in correcting this problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Every so often, i dont know why, but i get extremely sad and everything i hate about myself, everything i worry about and all my fears and thoughts I surface themselves and I can’t get them out of my brain. Recently, I was in this state of mind and I realized I have been hurting everyone I’ve ever cared about in my life, after googling a few things, I came across “Fear of emotional Intimacy” articles and such. I took the FIS test and scored a 150..which i guess is not very good. And never in my life had anything made more sense than this fear, it fits my past and current actions and thoughts exactly… and i know for a fact that this is one of the things I may be suffering from, if not the only thing. My question is, how do I overcome this fear and how do I know if this is something that I may need therapy for.

A. It is possible that you do have a fear of intimacy, especially after having had read about it and the description resonated with you. However, allow for the possibility that you may have incorrectly diagnosed yourself. You took a test that confirmed a fear of intimacy but how valid is the test? I would caution you against self-diagnosis. It’s possible that you are wrong.

In your letter, you described having periods of depression and anxiety. You did not detail why you thought you had a fear of intimacy. All I can conclude from your letter is that you may be experiencing depression and anxiety.

Self-diagnosis is problematic. The layperson is not trained to evaluate psychological conditions. Mental health professionals receive years of advanced training to learn these skills. It’s also important to carefully and critically evaluate the materials you are reading on the Internet. It’s good practice to bring these materials with you should you decide to be evaluated by a mental health professional. The mental health professional could evaluate these materials as well as your symptoms and determine if you have a psychological problem.

If you continue to have periods of depression and anxiety, then you should be evaluated by a mental health professional. Undergoing an evaluation will help to determine whether or not you have a fear of intimacy or anxiety or depression. Should the evaluation uncover psychological problems, your therapist will develop a treatment plan to assist you in eliminating your symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

My boyfriend has an anger issue n I have been the victim for a long time. We both live together and he finds silly reasons to get angry on me or hit me even. He is mean in every way he can be but when I say I will him he apologizes and gives me fake promises. It’s really getting hard for me to take it but I cannot leave him as I feel pity on him, as he has no other family. I need help to cure his problem.

A: Thank you for being so courageous as to write us here at Psych Central. Many times when I get an email with a question there are two sides to consider and it is rare that I make direct suggestions someone should do to change. Your email prompts a very different response. You need to find a way to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

I have considerable experience in working with angry men in domestic relationships. They are typically not motivated for change, promise they will treat their girlfriends better, but never do, and often escalate until there is a serious medical or legal problem. You deserve more than to be in a relationship out of pity, and he will not learn how unacceptable his behavior is until he loses someone he says he cares about. In other words, you staying allows him to remain unchallenged with his problem. It is time to go.

But do not go without support. Anger management issues with men often involve issues of control and jealousy. In your country you may want to get support from your family and church about how to go about getting out of the relationship. In general the men do not change until something drastic happens – like their girlfriend leaves them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Hello my name is luke, my mother is going down hill fast including anti social and chucking items away and not eating she has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and other things in life and it is getting to the point where i’m ripping my hair out from stress.I woke up this morning to find the coffee table has been chucked away all my stuff from the lounge room is gone I brought her a new bed and she doesn’t want to sleep in it she sleeps on the lounge from about 10pm to 1pm no movement she doesn’t go out or do anything she won’t help her self or let anyone help her. i’m 20 looking after my mother and the house I have no life. I can’t have a girlfriend and if I have friends over she gets angry at them. what should I do? Move out and let her be by herself? or put her back in mental hospital???

A. While I understand your frustration, I would advise against moving out and “letting her be by herself.” I also don’t think putting her “back in the mental hospital” is advisable or even possible unless there is evidence that she is in grave danger because of her behavior or illness.

You mentioned that she wasn’t sleeping and eating, two signs which may be indicative of a psychotic episode. The fact that she’s not eating may mean that she does need to be in the hospital to protect her safety. If that is the case, then it is imperative that you call emergency services or do what is necessary to ensure that she is evaluated at a hospital.

Your mother needs more help than you or any other family member can offer. That seems clear.

If this is not an emergency situation, then contact the local community mental health center, the local hospital, her doctor if she has one, or any other psychiatric or medical professional who you think could refer you to the proper services. There may be home health care services that could assist in your mother’s care. There may be residential living facilities or group homes in which she could be better cared for by a trained, professional staff. Your goal at this point should be to find the best possible treatment for your mother.

Also consider contacting other family members who may be able to assist you. I hope that you’re able to find the proper assistance for your mother. She is clearly not well and you shouldn’t be managing this problem alone. Utilize the assistance of others if possible. I sympathize with your situation. Caring for a family member with a serious mental illness can be an overwhelming task and few lay people realize this. You almost have to live through it to know what it is like. I know that you did not exaggerate when you said you “have no life” of your own.

Hopefully, your mother will improve. You should see a counselor to help you through this process and period in your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I know most people think this is stupid but I am really serious with my girlfriend and we have alot of fun together an we are so In love. we r in high school but next year we graduate and we want to move in together. the problem is her parents are ridiculous. they are terrible human beings. we had sex and they got mad at her even tho we were completely safe and we have been together a long time now. they want her to break up with me even tho we have Both improved each others life so much and they threaten to make her transfer schools and she is so scared. her parents don\’t treat her well mine aren\’t the greatest but I\’m worried about her. once her mom even told her that she hates her and that made me so angry. her brother who graduated a while ago really enjoys us as a couple and has no idea about the situation with his mom. he does know we had sex but is totally fine. I know most people think that my problem is stupid and say it’s just a high school relationships but it’s not. I feel something with her and she\’s the only thing that makes me truly happy and we are scared and confused. if u could help me It would mean alot. I know u can\’t solve this problem but I just need support I need someone to tell me our life gets better thank you

A: Being protective of their daughter doesn’t make her parents terrible people. On the other hand, it’s not okay for a mom to tell her daughter that she hates her. It sounds like everyone is upset and may be saying things they regret.

I know it may seem romantic to be in an “us against them” relationship but that seldom works out. Romeo and Juliet were teens whose parents disapproved and we all know how that turned out!

If you want to help settle things down, you need to find a way to forge a respectful relationship with your girlfriend’s parents. That means getting to know them as people and finding ways for them to get to know you. Her parents don’t know about the wonderful qualities that your girlfriend sees. They only see a guy who wants sex with their daughter.

It might help if you and your girlfriend talked with them about how you’ve improved each other’s lives and what you hope for in the future. Show her folks that you are a substantial person. That means doing well in school, maybe having a responsible job or doing some volunteer work, and working toward goals for a good life. They may never agree that it’s okay to have sex outside of marriage but they may be able to accept you being in her life if they see you as a responsible and mature young adult.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

i have been married for 4 yrs and from the first time we had sex he has had problems getting and or maintaining an erection. he has always maintained that it is not me but i am at a loss for what it could be behind this issue. i was hoping that you could offer some insight on possible reasons maybe ideas on underlying issues that could cause this type of long term issues .

A: I’m worried that the ads for ED that drug companies have been putting on television for the last few years have led people to believe that all it takes is their pill to solve this problem. It’s not that simple. One explanation does not fit all. Before deciding on treatment or worrying about who or what is to blame, it’s important to do a systematic analysis.

First, I hope your husband has seen a doctor. Most of the time there is a physical cause, not a psychological one. Some possible medical issues include low testosterone, high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, high cholesterol, obesity, metabolic disorder, diabetes and cardiac disease — to name only a few.

Only after he has been medically cleared should we move to considering a psychological problem. An evaluation by a qualified mental health provider can then be helpful. Psychological problems include stress, depression, former trauma and relationship issues that aren’t being dealt with.

I hope you will encourage your husband to get the assessments he needs. Once he understands the cause of the problem, he’ll be able to decide on treatment so you can both enjoy the tender intimacy you crave.

I wish you well.
Dr, Marie

I have been seeing a married man for almost 2 months now. We work together and have been friends for two years. He and his wife are no longer happy together, but neither of them want to be alone. We recently have gotten very serious and he has decided that he is going to move out of his home and into an apartment. During this time we want to try to see if our relationship is really love or simply lust. I understand that by doing this I am hurting his wife and I don’t want to hurt anyone, it’s not who I am, but I’ve never felt this way about someone before.

Not only do I feel bad about the fact he is married and cheating but I also feel awful lying to my family about the situation. I know it is my private life but I hate lying to my family. I don’t think I will stop seeing him even if advised to. The real issue I’m having a hard time with is lying to my family. Is if ok to lie to my family about my situation or not? Please help me I’m so confused and anxious.

A: There’s a difference between lying and keeping your personal life private. But I don’t think that’s the real question here. The reason you are feeling so anxious about sharing your relationship with your family is that you know in your heart that this situation isn’t going to end up anything but bad. You are with a guy who is cheating! You know that there is something wrong with a guy who will cheat rather than deal with his marriage honorably. That means seeking some counseling or separating cleanly, not sliding into a relationship on the sly with a younger woman. Further, you are violating your own values. You say you aren’t the kind of person to hurt someone else but you are doing exactly that.

An important part of being an adult is being able to make good choices in spite of our feelings. Little kids go after what they want because they feel like it or because it feels good. Adults are able to delay gratification in order to meet longer-term goals.

If this guy truly loves you, he’ll resolve things with his wife and do some personal work to learn from a breakup before he asks you to move in with him. If you love yourself, you will take a huge step back. Are you really willing to betray your own values in order to be with a man who isn’t man enough to deal with things in a mature way? Think about it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi, I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months now and he has always had a problem with depression but at first I did think it was just his life as he almost died last year and his dad is ill and his mom is struggling in her life too, but as he’s spoken to me more I’ve come to realize that it’s deeper than his life and his thoughts are seriously negative and I struggle to help him. Whenever we see each other he’s always happy but I’m starting to wonder if he’s just hiding his true feelings.

I know for a fact I want to stay with him, and I definitely want to help him…I just don’t know how. He won’t go to the doctors, he barely talks to me and when he does he’s very secretive in what he will tell me because “he doesn’t want to worry me” and he certainly won’t talk to anyone else about this,

I just want to be the best girlfriend I can be and help him though this. What are the things, if anything, I can do for him, because he’s losing hope of ever feeling like himself again!
Thank you for reading this.

A: I’m sure this is very worrying. It’s painful to watch someone we love be in pain. Your boyfriend has been through a lot and it sounds like it’s not over yet with both parents struggling. I’m sorry he won’t take advantage of good help that is available. There is no shame in talking to a therapist. However you may care for him, you don’t have the training or experience to give him the help he may need to cope.

On the other hand, you do have something no therapist has: You care about him personally and you can have good times with him. I suggest you not push him to talk about things he doesn’t want to share. Instead, focus on positive things. Get together with friends. Do things he likes to do. Do your best to sustain the happy times. Happiness and positive experiences are the best antidote to sadness and negativity.

And, please, I hope you don’t let yourself get caught up in the drama of negativity. Negative drama only feeds negativity. Don’t beg him to share his secrets. Don’t constantly tell him how worried you are. Don’t try to “save” him. He doesn’t need a savior. He needs a friend. When he’s blue, suggest you go do something active, watch a comedy movie, or go hang out with friends doing something fun.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I started a criminal life early, spending most of my 20′s behind bars. I never learned how to be somebody or even be in a relationship sober or that did not feel like a hostage situation. Years later(present), I came across an acquaintance of mine that came to see me in the hospital when I had a tumor removed, and well we have been spending some time together. We have kissed and I couldn’t believe that he kisses just the way I like. He listens to my type of music, we have the same believes and outlook on many things in general. It seems that he is my soul mate. I want to get closer and be with him a lot but I am insecure about my body because of scares and how gravity has taken over my body. I see myself playing stupid junior high games and I get jealous or made when he does not call or text. How can I grow out of this insecurity?

A: I deeply admire your courage for speaking about your past and getting focused on the present. I think it takes a good deal of bravery to honor your struggle. In this relationship there are three major influences. The first is the fact that you are feeling so many positive and engaging emotions that they may in and of themselves overwhelm you. Second, this is a new relationship and it doesn’t sound like you have had a sober relationship in your life. This could be quite unsettling and undermine you as you learn the dance of intimacy. Finally, this comes at a time when you are struggling for your personal identity; who you are, and what your contribution is going to be in the world. The confluence of these factors make for a difficult time.

As you mentioned in your profile along with this letter that you are in college I would highly recommend you find a counselor on campus and talk to him or her about your concerns. This will be the fastest and easiest way to get some help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have been in a committed relationship for 1.5 years to a man that truly loves me. He has 3 daughters 22,18,16. I have a 19 year old daughter who lives with me. We moved in together then 3 months later his 18 year old moved out of her mom’s house and moved in with us. His 22 and 16 lives with their Mom in another state. His daughters are disrespectful, rude, pretend I don’t exit and truly unappreciative. The 16 year old visits as much as she wants, and for as long as she wants. Things got worse and eventually my boyfriend and his 18 year old daughter moved into their own apartment.

All I have been to these girls is kind, nice and generous. I have treated them no different than my own daughter. A couple of things that bother me that I don’t know how to deal and I need help. When I am around them, they completely ignore me like I don’t exist. My boyfriend still talks to me,and he says don’t pay attention to them but I think their actions are extremely rude.

The next thing that really bothers me is that they talk about my daughter and I on social media. Especially the youngest(16). She doesn’t say my name, but everyone knows who she is talking about. She says that she honestly cannot believe he is still with me and that I believe that I should come first before his own kids and this is not TRUE!

They have caused so much stress to our relationship and my sanity I have decided to disengage from these girls.I will be cordial, say hello, but will no longer seek their approval. What advice can you give me to help me with what I am experiencing? This is the most horrible situation I have ever experienced.

I love this man and luckily he is on the same page as I am and I have his support. He has confronted them about how they treat me and remind them that I only have treated them with respect and love. Please help me because when I go and visit their apartment all I feel is anxiety and stress. We plan on getting married in the next 6 months but I do not know how to deal with his awful disrespectful daughters. Thank you!

A: I’m so, so sorry for the stress and distress this is causing you. It must be wonderful to find someone to love again. It must be awful to be targeted on Facebook and to be so badly treated by girls you were prepared to love.

As difficult as it is, please don’t take their behavior personally. It’s probably not about you. You are the symbol that their parents are never going to get back together. They are loyal to their mom. They want life to go back to the way it was. As soon as you moved in with their dad, they knew that the breakup of the family was indeed permanent and they hate it.

You don’t have to be a “mom” to these girls. As you know, they have a mom and they don’t need another one. Hopefully, they will eventually let you be an adult friend. Meanwhile, all you can do is be yourself and stay cordial. You don’t need their approval.

What you do need is for their dad to step up and give you more active support. He may have “confronted” them with words but from the sounds of it, he’s a bit of a doormat with their behavior. There don’t seem to be any meaningful consequences for their disrespectful behavior.

How is it that the 16-year-old gets to come and go as she likes, regardless of her behavior? How is it that she’s allowed to keep a cellphone if she uses it to hurt you? It seems to me that he should be telling her that if she wants to visit, she needs to be at least polite. She doesn’t have to love you but she does need to treat you as she would any guest of his who is important to him. Ditto for the 18-year-old. How is it she just moved in? He can let her know in no uncertain terms that staying at his place means treating you well.

I hope you will insist, for your own sake and the sake of your daughter, that your boyfriend take charge of this situation before you marry him. There needs to be a significant change now or you will never feel welcome and at peace in your own home if they are around.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi! The last few months i have been seeing this girl. At first she said that the man she was with when i first met her was her dance partner who i a lot older. The second time we went out as friends she told me he is her boyfriend and that he don’t know i see her all the time. Last week we went dancing and her boyfriend was there and they didn’t even talk to each other and after he left she told me which one he was and that he was there! The next day she invited me to a party to meet her friends
And was flirting with me , leaning on me, always grabbing me as she always does when we are together. I over heard her say to a friend what do you think of him?And they said they like me much more than her boyfriend and she said i dont know what i see in my boyfriend? One friend even told me its the happiest she’s see her in a long time when shes with me. And she phone messaged me after to say she was so happy that her friends like me and they invited me to another party.

So yesterday i put a big hint out that i really like her and she told me she only wants to be friends and loves her boyfriend. After wanting me to met her friends and talking to her friends about how much she likes me and im so cute. Am i just being played with?
Am i just the guy that she can throw around in front of her friends? Or is she just not sure which one she loves?

I just dont know any help would be much appreciated!

A: This girl is either a big tease or she doesn’t know what she wants. Either way, I think you owe it to yourself to put some distance between you. At 24, she’s too old to be playing games like this and you’re too old to put up with it. I suggest you let her know you like her but that you are not interested until she is certain she wants to give a relationship with you a chance. Then stick to it. She’ll respect you more for it. More important, you’ll respect yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend is a year and a half younger than me so i knew going into it that i might have issues with him being a bit immature in certain areas of our relationship, but when we first started dating he was my perfect guy. After two and a half years he’s still an amazing guy but there are things that are ruining our relationship and I’m not sure if I’m just being impatient or if its just not going to work.

He was engaged when he was 20. Obviously way too young and it didn’t work. I was in a 7 year relationship with a guy that treated me amazingly but never tried hard enough to get me a ring, though he promised for years, and towards the end I was paying for everything because he just wasn’t responsible and unreliable. I fell out of love and now am wondering if I’m wasting my time yet again.

My boyfriend now of two and a half years goes to school so I appreciate that because I can’t seem to get that part of life together. I just hate school with passion due to severe social anxiety. So I don’t mind being the one who helps pay for most of the bills since I bartend and make a good amount of money. Knowing that in the future he’ll have a good job is a wonderful feeling.

My problem is that he works but doesn’t bring in enough to pay for much plus he’s been saying he wants to buy me a ring and I can’t see that being possible anytime soon. I know I shouldnt care what people think but I don’t want to look like an idiot again and people are always asking why we aren’t engaged yet. It makes me feel like people think no ones ever going to want to marry me.

So here are my main issues. His credit is terrible because he’s so irresponsible with bills. He’s like a child I have to check up on to make sure he’s paid things on time. The few bills he does pay he has a hard time paying on time. He got a new credit card to build his credit again and doesn’t seem to care about it because he says he forgets and is busy with everything else. I can’t be in a relationship with another guy that doesn’t take me seriously even though he says he does.

He gets upset when I get mad at him and has even punched holes in doors because he gets so mad. He’s a quiet guy and keeps things bottled up and every once in a while when I get mad he just goes crazy. It’s disturbing because I can’t have children with a guy that acts like that. Ive threatened to leave him if he ever does it again and he has been much better about controlling himself but the irresponsible behavior with credit and trying to get me a ring is driving me nuts!!

He’s so great in every single other aspect of our relationship. Hes genuinely just a good soul. He’s so unbelievably attractive and adores me. I love this man and can’t imagine life without him but I can’t look like an idiot again with no ring on my finger and his irresponsible behaviors. Is this normal for people to go through things like this in a relationship and how long should I wait for a ring. I know there’s no perfect guy and I don’t expect him to be perfect. I know I’m not perfect but I feel like if he really cared I would have a ring by now especially since he knows how important if us to me. With no credit it’s gonna be impossible for a loan and he’s not bringing in enough money to pay straight cash. Am I bring selfish?

A: If you were sure about this guy being marriage material, you wouldn’t care if he made a ring out of a paperclip. It looks to me like thinking about a ring is a great distraction from some much more important issues. He’s not a “bit” immature. He’s a lot immature. At 25, he’s still being irresponsible about such adult responsibilities as paying his bills and managing his credit. When he gets mad, he throws tantrums. He sounds like he’s about 14 years old and you are being put in a mother role. Please. You deserve far better.

Many couples take turns making the lion’s share of the money for the two of them so each can pursue school or some other goals. But it can only work when the person who is on the receiving end of the financial support is appreciative and shows it by doing as much as she or he can to contribute. That includes being careful with the money that does come in. Your guy doesn’t even manage paying his own bills on time!

However charming he is, I do suggest you take a big step back. Move out, stop paying his way, and let him fend for himself so he can experience the consequences of being so disinterested in how money comes and goes. Otherwise, how is he ever going to learn? If he cleans up his financial act, then you can enjoy his other qualities without putting your financial future on the line. Same thing goes for his temper. If he is only controlling himself because you’ve threatened to leave him. He has some personal work to do. He needs to learn self-control because that’s what adults do.

You aren’t being selfish to want him to man up. But I do think you are fooling yourself if you think he is mature enough to think about marrying.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am engaged to the man of my dreams but his mother and I can’t seem to get along. Sometimes we are fine, but for the most part we are screaming and fighting with each other. She has a drug problem and steals from us a lot. She also has another son and treats him way better then my fiance and it bothers us big time! I try my hardest to reason with her and get along but it will be good for a day and then its right back to fighting, I want to get along but I am worn out and feel out of options! What can I do to stop this vicious cycle that’s putting a big strain on our relationship?

A: Why are you making this so complicated? Just drop your end of the fight. Don’t set her up to steal from you by having her anywhere near things worth stealing. Don’t respond to provocations. You can’t change her. You can’t make her love your guy as much as she loves his brother. You can’t make someone who is an addict and behaves like one want to clean up her act.

Talking, reasoning, screaming, and cajoling won’t work. You can’t reason someone out of unreasonable thinking. If she tries to pick a fight, all you need to say is something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t agree so let’s move on.” If she persists, simply, quietly and calmly leave! Don’t give in to the temptation to start a fight by moralizing, preaching, begging her to be nice or scolding her. As you’ve pointed out, it discourages you both even further.

It’s the relationship with your fiance that is your first consideration. If he can’t back you up in staying out of the fights, you have another problem. I hope he learned long ago what I’m trying to tell you. It’s up to his mother to decide to change. He can’t do it for her. You can’t succeed any more than he can. Hopefully at some point she’ll understand that she is losing the chance to have a wonderful relationship with her son and new daughter-in-law and will get herself into treatment. Until that time comes, all you can do is lovingly and calmly detach from the whole thing.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I spent last winter in an apathetic state where I completely lost interest in things that were important to me and I avoided interacting with friends at all costs. I spent my days distracting myself with videos and mindless things. At the start of this year I started to feel better. My writer’s block wore off and I felt like I could relate to others again. Mid February I broke down into tears one night for no reason, alone in my room. Nothing had triggered it, but on and off after that I had more cry spells and I felt terrible some days. I couldn’t sleep.

Lately these feelings have been building up more frequently, and sometimes I become very sad in public, and I feel as if I can’t hold it in. My health has also suffered. I get sick easily when I get no sleep, I’ve had migraines lasting several hours to a couple days and muscle cramps randomly during the day. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them about how I’ve been feeling. I have no close friends; I’d reduced contact with all of them when university started because I didn’t like being around other people. I know that even if I were close to any of them, I still couldn’t tell them. I’m able to socialize easily with others, but I can’t trust easily.

All the things that didn’t bother me before are affecting me now, and I feel like I’m alienating myself around strangers. Lately I’ve been having thoughts about suicide, even though I know I would never act upon them. I’m distracted at school and at work, and I think of myself as a lost cause that’s not worth the motivation. I really want to beat this on my own and am hesitant about approaching a school counselor, even though I’ve felt bad enough to have thought about it. I want to believe that this is a short term, temporary thing, but I have no idea

A. You are not a “lost cause.” You, in all likelihood, have depression. It’s reoccurring and it seems that your episodes are worse with each reoccurrence. The fact that you’re considering suicide is evidence of the seriousness of your condition.

You have been suffering with this condition for at least a year. It is degrading your life to a significant degree. You’ve been hesitant about seeking help but you should not be. You should not have waited this long to seek help. You should have sought help when you first began to notice the depression. I’ve noticed that sometimes people believe that they have to wait until their symptoms are severe “enough” before they receive help. Ideally, one should receive help upon the emergence of troublesome symptoms. The sooner the better.

Sometimes people also believe, like you, that is important to solve one’s own problems. Perhaps it’s due to pride. It may be due to the fact that some people feel stigmatized by seeking psychological treatment. In their view, the fact that they sought professional help is a sign that they are a failure. Nothing could be further from the truth. There shouldn’t be any hesitancy to seek professional help. Mental health professionals specialize in the very problems with which you suffer. Depression is also very treatable. Don’t wait any longer to receive help. Approach the school counselor immediately and report all of your symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

hi, i am married last week. It is an arranged marriage . my husband is my relative whom i called brother till last year. though i like him,whenever he touch me i am afraid. he is pushing me into sex. i am a virgin so am bit afraid and also when ever he tries to talk to me i become angry and snaps at him. i avoid sleeping with him. i feel like i am tied down. i want to make my family happy. what should i do?

A: I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Sex goes with marriage. Your husband’s expectations are not unreasonable. What is unreasonable to me is that you were entered into a marriage so unprepared to be fully a wife. Of course you are scared! Since you two couldn’t get to know each other before you married, you do need to find a way to get emotionally and physically comfortable now.

To get some idea of how to answer your question without using American standards, I did what most people do these days: I went on the Internet. Here’s the most sensible suggestion I found:

“Some traditional cultures which practiced arranged marriage had conventional routines for introducing sexuality into the couple’s new life together. For instance, the Sanskrit Kamasutra of Vatsyayana recommends a multi-day courtship sequence for newly married couples beginning with complete sexual abstinence and progressing through specified forms of romantic wooing to actual sexual activity.”

I hope that you and your husband can work on this together. Arranged marriages can and do work. But it takes a willingness to be sensitive to each other, to listen to each other, and to be willing to make the effort.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie