My fiance and I are in a long distance relationship. We were dating and engaged for 4 years before I broke up with him and relocated across county. We have now been back together a year but the demons from the past are cropping up again.
We do fight, sometimes vehemently when it comes to how I choose to spend my free time. It was like this in the past.
I’ve been a bit of a hermit the past year and, at his urging, he tells me to find friends and find things to do.
I mention to him, a female co-worker and I were chatting about our love of cooking. She mentioned she throws a dinner party once in awhile and I said I’d love to go.

She also mentioned her friend was having an art exhibit opening and that was music to my ears. I appreciate art.
When I tell my fiance this he immediately says “sounds like the nightlife and acting single, have at it”.
There was communication melt down after this. He is concerned that there could be another single man there so it would not be appropriate to put myself in that situation. I feel that is a good compromise since it is not a nightlife or club atmosphere.
I was very angry and called him controlling and insecure. He said I was being too dominate and strong and if it made him uncomfortable I shouldn’t go. He now wants to take a break from the relationship and think things over.

I feel I have a very short list of things I can do that he would approve of since it was a problem in the past for me to have dinner with friends. He thought that would lead to drinks and then more drinks and clubs and I would come home too late at night. Or I may get buzzed and do something that can damage the relationship. I’ve never violated his trust or damaged the relationship so I feel he makes up scenarios to justify the way he feels.

Is there a way that I can communicate to him that me going to a dinner party, or anything of that matter is not disrespectful to him. He’s the one I love, I tell him all the time. In return I get texts or he asks why I wan’t to be with him.
Please help.

A: You are 35 years old, yet your fiance is treating you like a teenager who has no judgment. You’re correct. He is setting too many boundaries. It seems like all you have to do is even think about attending an art exhibit or dinner party and his mind creates a story about you getting swept up in inappropriate things. He says you are too dominant yet he thinks you are so weak you can’t make good decisions.

I don’t see anything good coming out of this. You’ve never violated his trust but he acts as if you can’t be trusted at all. This isn’t a problem of communication. He is so insecure that the only way he feels comfortable in the relationship is by isolating you. Nothing you can say or do is going to change this. He needs serious therapy. I suggest you take a break from this relationship until he does some serious personal work and proves to you that he doesn’t have to limit you to feel okay.

I wish you well.
|Dr. Marie

My current boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 1/2 years and living together for about 3 years. We are in a band together and rely on this for most of our income. Since I’ve known him, he has dealt with minor depression. I believe it is due to having a hard childhood, constantly being passed around in foster families that treated him badly. He has always been able to deal it rationally though, until the past 6 months.

Last year we went traveling through Asia, but the trip was cut short because a member of my family had a heart attack. He chose to rush home with me, although I didn’t ask him to. After staying to help my family for a few months, we took a break because of all of the drama & sudden change. I went traveling for a month and he moved to Montreal. We had a good break and things felt fresh again so I joined him in Montreal. Things with our relationship seemed better and even things with the band were working out great, but his depression had gotten much much worse. He started seeing a therapist when I was gone, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. He skips school, closes off, loses all motivation and even talks about committing suicide because he has nothing to look forward too (even though we have plans to travel, play music, tour, built a house and have a family).

The problem is that we live together, are best friends, play music together and are building a career together as a band. When he falls into depression, which is almost everyday, I have to take over and keep working at making the money and getting things done. I feel like I can never have a day off because I am always trying to pick him up and encourage him. It is beginning to take a toll on me and I am becoming snappy and impatient with him, which makes it even worse. I find myself telling him what to do and trying to offer solutions, which is wrong, but if I don’t we’ll end up living on the streets.

I love him so much. I want to believe in him, but he has given me no reason to lately. The only thing that keeps me hanging on are: the rare beautiful and loving moments we share on a rare occasion, the beautiful music we make together and my hope for the future.

He always says: “please don’t give up on me”…I don’t want to, but I fear I am beginning to. My mother married a depressed man who treated me and her pretty badly as a child…I cannot let this happen to me, nor my future children.

Maybe there is something I could be doing better to help him. Please help me.

A: Your last 2 lines are the most telling of your whole question: You put his need first, then yours. Your desire to help comes from a very loving place, but it has already taken a toll. In the kind of relationship you are describing it seems clear that you are drawn to his potential, not his reality. Those rare, beautiful moments on rare occasions are just that – rare. If this is not enough to sustain you, which it doesn’t sound like it is, then you have to make some hard decisions.

The four things that are necessary ingredients for a good relationship are proximity, similar interests, mutual attraction and reciprocity. It sounds like you have the first three, but is there real reciprocity? It doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like you give much more into the relationship than he does. It sounds unbalanced. I would find a couples counselor near you (see the find help tab at the top of the page) and discuss your situation together. The counselor can give you guidance on whether the relationship is worth saving, or the best way to disentangle yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My roommate has been exhibiting concerning behavior lately. He is a very private person, and it seems like he has a lot of social anxiety. I don’t know him any better now then when he moved in 7 months ago. Lately, my husband and I have noticed that he is vomiting a lot. Usually it starts around 9-10p, sometimes later, and will continue often throughout the night. I am concerned that he is either bulimic or alcoholic. He seems to binge on food, often making repeated trips to the kitchen, and hiding trash from junk food in his room. Sometimes though, it seems as if it is from drinking. I have found bottles in his room, he seems to stumble around, has mysterious dents and scratches that recently appeared on his car, etc. We are very concerned about his behavior, not to mention that it’s creating a disturbance at home and giving me anxiety at night.

Should we reach out to him, and try to discuss the problem? I subtly tried to acknowledge his problem before, and see if he would offer up any info. He became very awkward and uncomfortable, couldn’t make eye contact with me, and just said that he was okay and felt much better that day. It has happened so frequently now (usually at least 2-3 nights/week that we actually hear him vomiting, but I spend much of my time at home now with headphones or earplugs in), that it can’t just be coincidental.

What do we do? It is hard since we don’t have a very open relationship with him, and he doesn’t seem like he really likes to be around people. I have been rather passive aggressive towards him since he has developed these issues. He was already eating our food, his dog was having accidents in our house that my husband and I would have to clean up, he was/is trashing his room and bathroom (we own the house), and I was having to clean up after him constantly before the vomiting started (or at least before we noticed it).

I have written him notes before, and even gone into his room to throw away bottles/food trash, collect dirty dishes after he ignores my polite requests to not do these things. I realize that although he is not complying with my wishes, and we do own the home that he is renting a room in, that this is overstepping my boundaries, and is most likely worsening things. His difficult-to-deal-with behavior is making it hard to be empathetic/compassionate towards him, but I know that he is in distress, and I am really trying to extend kindness towards him. Do we talk to him out of concern, and try to intervene? Should we tell somebody else? Any advice would be appreciated.

Post-note: We already left him a note giving him 2 months notice to find another place. However, we didn’t make it personal or about his bad behavior; I listed other reasons that are valid, but not the whole truth. Now it seems like this 60 days can’t be over soon enough, and we still have about a month and a half left with him.

A: I appreciate your concerns but you are really overstepping boundaries. As a landlord, you have no right to go into his room or to try to control his behavior. On the other hand, he has no right to eat your food and to make messes he doesn’t clean up. This is a bad situation all around.

There is no one to “tell” when dealing with another adult except that person himself. You’ve already offered help verbally and in written notes. That’s all you can do as one adult to another. You’ve already said he is a private person. If he wanted your help, he would ask for it. If he welcomed your overtures, he would have engaged in a conversation once you opened up the topics. Since he didn’t before, I doubt very much he will now.

Getting passive-aggressive isn’t going to help him face his problems and will only make you feel bad about yourself. Keep this situation business-like, as you did with your notice. Mind your business. Stop intruding on his. The man is in some kind of pain but he isn’t asking you to be involved. It’s his pain to fix. Not yours. Meanwhile, do be clear that you will respect his room and that he needs to respect the rest of your home.

And next time you rent a room, get references and get to know the person first. Then make sure you have clear, mutually agreed upon standards for behavior for everyone. You might find the tips in this article helpful.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I think I have suffered long-term sexual abuse, but am not sure. I was laying down for a nap one day and all of a sudden a memory of miscarrying a baby popped in my head. I remembered everything so clearly, but the idea just came out of nowhere. It was so out of the blue. Later, I was doing homework for a psychology class and I got this image in my head of being tied up in a box at my old baby sitters. I remembered being naked and him forcing himself on me. I’m so afraid that I am crazy. I had heard of repressed memories but my psych teacher said they aren’t real and a lot of things on the internet back up my teachers claims. Where are these thoughts coming from? Am I crazy? The memories feel so real– especially the miscarriage. I wept for several hours over that. If this happened, it would make so much sense. Ever since I can remember I have hated myself and have felt like everything was my fault. I have an eating disorder and cut. At the same time I feel like I have always had the perfect life with supportive parents. I have no reason to feel the way I do except for these memories that came out of blue. I don’t want them to be true, but I think they are except that my teacher and other sources say repressed memories are not real. I want to get help for these intruding thoughts, but I’m also very frightened. How could I think of these things? And if it is real, what should I do? I don’t want to accuse an innocent person of rape but I also don’t want him to be hurting other people!

A: Thank you for your powerful letter. The struggle you are having is important to learn more about. Whereever these thoughts are coming from, one thing is certain – you want to find the best way of coping with them.

These memories point back to a feeling and memory of trauma – so that is the best place to begin. I would find a therapist near you specializing in trauma and make an appointment. One of the best treatments is known as EMDR and you can read more about it here. The find help tab at the top of the page can also help you find someone in your area. He or she can help you sort through where those images are coming from. More important, they can help you find some proven ways to cope.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

So I’m not positive, but I think I may be cyclothymic. I tend to “cycle” through moods as the disease is described, only i don’t have long periods of mild mania or depression. It tends to be a short period of calm, good self-esteem, and just generally feeling good and then I slowly decline, feeling steadily worse about myself and life in general until hitting rock bottom hard with some sort of panic attack or internal crisis, and then I usually feel better immediately and go back into the happy phase of the cycle. The length of these cycles vary, but the pattern is almost always the same. Is this normal, or could it be cyclothymia?

A:. At 15, your body is going through dramatic changes. I therefore think your first stop is to your doctor for a complete checkup. Sometimes what you are describing is part of the body adjusting itself during adolescence. Sometimes there is a vitamin deficiency or something like a thyroid disorder contributing to the problem. I also hope you are getting adequate sleep. Sleep disorders can also cause the issues you describe.

If you check out okay physically, then it wouldn’t hurt to talk to a counselor. The Internet is a wonderful thing. Sometimes it helps people get a diagnosis and treatment early. But sometimes reading it makes people unnecessarily anxious about the possibility of having a disorder.

A trained counselor will be able to help you sort it out and decide if you are going through the very normal ups and downs of adolescence or if something else is going on. Either way, some therapy sessions might be helpful. Just because emotional instability is normal during the teen years doesn’t make it comfortable. It might be helpful to learn some new way to manage it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I recently attended a conference and ran into a former colleague who was very cruel to me. I was a victim of mobbing at a previous job. I am petrified that this woman talked to my current colleague and she has sabotaged my job. I get extremely anxious every time I must attend workshops or conferences for this reason. My former boss was a big gossiper and has essentially ruined my reputation in my field. Even if I don’t run into former colleagues I am petrified that someone will recognize me or my name and ask me where I used to work. It has been so crippling. Now I am suffering PTSD and am very anxious and having a hard time sleeping due to running into this former colleague. What can I do to get rid of the anxiety? How can I lose the fear? What should I attempt to believe in order to feel more confident?

A. You should consider seeking psychological treatment for your PTSD and anxiety. These symptoms seem to be significantly impairing your life. A mental health professional could teach you how to eliminate your anxiety and fears and become more confident. You might also benefit from medication, which could also significantly decrease your anxiety and stress levels.

Generally speaking, forcing yourself to believe in the reality of a situation could assist you in eliminating your anxiety. For instance, you seem to have a great deal of anxiety but is this anxiety warranted? You’re concerned that your current job will be compromised by former colleagues but how likely is it that this will occur? Perhaps your anxiety stems from the aftermath of what happened in your previous job but in reality, there may not be any real threat to your current job. In that instance, a therapist would attempt to determine the legitimacy of your anxiety and if it is excessive or unnecessary, assist you in alleviating it.

You may want to read the work of Dr. Janice Harper. She has been studying the concept of mobbing in the workplace and has written a book on the subject. She explains how the process of mobbing is essentially bullying. Others have written about the subject as well.

It may take some time to fully overcome the trauma you sustained. Thankfully you were able to remove yourself from that situation but you seem to be struggling. Counseling could greatly expedite the process of healing and overcoming your fears. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I know something is wrong with me, I know I need help but I don’t know where to start. Do I call my family doctor to get a referral for somewhere? Do I call a therapist directly? What do I do?

A. Your question about where to start the process of receiving psychological help, is a good one. I’m sure there are many people who have the same question.

There are a couple of places to start. You could visit your family doctor and ask for a referral. Another approach is to call your insurance company and ask for a referral. Some people have found it useful to call their local health department and ask what mental health services are available in their communities. If you do not have health insurance, then call the local community mental health center and ask what services are available to you.

You may want to consult Psych Central’s “find help” tab that provides an extensive list of mental health professionals. You can search for therapists by city, zip code, and so on. Psychology Today also has a similar therapist directory.

It’s best to choose four or five therapists to interview over the phone. Detail the problem that you would like help with. Ask if they’ve helped other people with similar problems and inquire about the outcomes of those cases. Ask if they think they can help you and what method they would use to do so. Choose a therapist with whom you connect with or with whom you feel the most comfortable and then visit this therapist in person. Continue that process until you find a therapist with whom you like and feel the most comfortable. I admire your willingness to seek help. I hope you’re able to find the help that you desire. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I was diagnosed Bipolar II in 2007. My family and friends have had a hard time accepting this and most of my friends stopped talking to me and said I was faking it for attention and my mother told a family member that I could be different if I wanted to. I try so hard to be “normal” but sometimes it’s hard for me not to be overly anxious or very talkative.

When I’m around my family, I feel like they don’t like me very much and I don’t know if they love me anymore. Before my diagnosis and my “break down”, things were fine but after, things changed drastically. Even the way they speak to me has changed. There are times I feel anxious and I talk a lot and I try not to but my sister will admonish me in front of the entire family and tell me to calm down and stop cutting people off (my family is very boisterous and everyone speaks at the same time but she singles me out, even though every one is doing the same thing). My brother will shake his head and walk out on me and my father calls me a drama queen. I don’t know what to do anymore. I try to ignore it while I’m there because I don’t want to make a scene and ruin the evening but it makes me so sad and then later on, when I’ve had time to reflect, I get so angry and I want to cut them all out of my life. Last time I was there, I had such an awful time that once I got home, I had such an emotional melt down that affected me for hours just from the stress of the family get together. I don’t know what to do anymore and my family is one of those families that feels justified in their actions so no family therapy, no rational sit downs to tell them how I feel because they’ll turn it around on me and call me a “drama queen”. I know not all of this is because I’m bipolar II. I can usually recognize when I’m having issues but I get this treatment even on good days when I’m fine and quiet. Maybe it is me? Maybe I just don’t see it? I don’t know anymore but whatever the reason, being with my family makes me more miserable than any other time. Thanks for listening.

A: I am sorry you are having so much trouble with your family and friend relations. It was unclear from your email if you are in therapy and if you are being prescribed medicine for the bipolar II. If you are not in therapy and have not had a medication consultation I would strongly recommend finding a therapist and a psychiatrist who has experience in treating this condition. Being in the care of people who are trained to help can be an important step in coping with this.

On the good news side it sounds like you have some internal sense of when an episode is happening. This can give you options in dealing with your responses. I believe the strongest vehicle for learning what these options are is through group therapy. The find help tab at the top of this page can bring you to a person in your area that may be able to help. Often your local community mental health facility has an outpatient program where groups are available. In a group you will learn how to deal with your internal activation as well as how to come with feedback and confrontation from others. It can be a powerful source of support as you find your way.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I might be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, but I don’t know. It might be Bipolar Disorder as well. I have a lot of mood swings, that can last a week at least, and sometimes a month. My moods varies between depression/anxiety with extreme suicidal thoughts and self-harm tendencies and “normal” episodes when I’m mildly happy and enthusiastic, but some other days I can be normal, not really depressed nor euphoric or something, but it generally doesn’t last much. The other day I may wake up depressed as well as enthusiastic and full of hope. It’s not stable at all.
You may say that I have the typical signs of a Bipolar Disorder, but my mood swings doesn’t last much you know, I mean today I’m happy the next day I’m sad and life goes on. My happy moments are usually alternated by sad moments when I feel like crap or when I’m extremely irritable and nervous. They say that Bipolar disorder usually works through episodes that last from 6 months to a year, literally, and that’s what makes me quite suspicious.

I looked through Wikipedia and social forums for Borderline personality disorder and it appears to be that I have many symptoms of the illness, including fear of abandonment, chronic feelings of emptiness, impulsivity, risky habits (alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sex, wasting money) rage and anger.
I also have dissociative syndrome where I don’t know who I am anymore, I feel as if I’m getting out of my body, I sometimes feel very distant, too. Like a ghost. Like I’m not sure if I’m actually HERE or not, ALIVE or not. It’s really stressful. I also confuse my dreams with reality and have paranoid tendencies.

A: Of course it would not be possible to make an accurate diagnosis via an email query, but I am glad that you are taking the time to ask about your well-being. I can understand the concern and think getting a professional—a psychiatrist or psychologist –to help you sort through the symptoms would be a very good idea. The find help tab at the top can be of help in locating someone in your area.

But I would also want you to be aware of your strengths. You have listed the symptoms that trouble you and the possible diagnoses, but what are the strengths you have that have given you the resilience to cope and to seek answers to help you heal? While you are looking for a label for the condition I would also invite you to look at your strengths. Here is a link to the VIA character strengths survey which is free and can help you identify these features in your life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Every so often, i dont know why, but i get extremely sad and everything i hate about myself, everything i worry about and all my fears and thoughts I surface themselves and I can’t get them out of my brain. Recently, I was in this state of mind and I realized I have been hurting everyone I’ve ever cared about in my life, after googling a few things, I came across “Fear of emotional Intimacy” articles and such. I took the FIS test and scored a 150..which i guess is not very good. And never in my life had anything made more sense than this fear, it fits my past and current actions and thoughts exactly… and i know for a fact that this is one of the things I may be suffering from, if not the only thing. My question is, how do I overcome this fear and how do I know if this is something that I may need therapy for.

A. It is possible that you do have a fear of intimacy, especially after having had read about it and the description resonated with you. However, allow for the possibility that you may have incorrectly diagnosed yourself. You took a test that confirmed a fear of intimacy but how valid is the test? I would caution you against self-diagnosis. It’s possible that you are wrong.

In your letter, you described having periods of depression and anxiety. You did not detail why you thought you had a fear of intimacy. All I can conclude from your letter is that you may be experiencing depression and anxiety.

Self-diagnosis is problematic. The layperson is not trained to evaluate psychological conditions. Mental health professionals receive years of advanced training to learn these skills. It’s also important to carefully and critically evaluate the materials you are reading on the Internet. It’s good practice to bring these materials with you should you decide to be evaluated by a mental health professional. The mental health professional could evaluate these materials as well as your symptoms and determine if you have a psychological problem.

If you continue to have periods of depression and anxiety, then you should be evaluated by a mental health professional. Undergoing an evaluation will help to determine whether or not you have a fear of intimacy or anxiety or depression. Should the evaluation uncover psychological problems, your therapist will develop a treatment plan to assist you in eliminating your symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I have always felt different than everyone else. I had never had real friends or anything besides my family (that is, my dad, my brother, and my mom); it’s not that I am myself with them; it’s more like they accept me with all of my eccentricities. I love math and I am currently participating in the Math Olympiad; thanks to it I knew about Aperger. There was a girl in there that was the only one I talked to, but unlike me, she could talk to everyone. One day (it happened two years ago) my father told me that the other girl father’s approached him and asked him if I had Aperger, because he saw me clumsy and antisocial and I remembered him of his daughter (that’s how we discovered that the other girl have Asperger). My father had never heard about this syndrome, so he investigated and told my family about what had happened and the symptoms and everyone began to make jokes about how I have Asperger and how I was even worse than the other girl, that last till this day. I try to ignore the jokes and pretend that I don’t care, but I am always wondering why they do this; if they actually think I have Asperger, and if they do why they had never been interested in trying to find out for sure. I don’t tell them anything because I am not sure if I want to be diagnosed. In a way I think I will feel better if I knew I have Asperger because then there will be a lot of other persons suffering the same thing, and I will feel less alone, but on the other hand, I don’t like been labeled and it would be useless anyway since I don’t think I will accept therapy. I am currently going with a psychologist (I had had three sessions) because of depression and anxiety but one of the things that she also treats is autism, so I been thinking about telling her so maybe she could send me to a professional or something, but I don’t want to sound as if I wanted to have Asperger. Is being diagnosed going to help me feel better? And should I tell my family first about my concerns?

A: I am very glad you are asking the question and writing us here. I think the best place to start now is with your psychologist because your family has not been as helpful as you would have hoped. Talk to the psychologist. She will be able to give your more information about what Asperger’s is, give your some idea of what treatments are available for it, and most important, give you a sense of the range of indicators that are part of making a diagnosis. She is the safest person for you to talk to about it right now.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

It’s not like I’m depressed or anything, I’m not suicidal or self-harming, thats why I haven’t really sought out any help until now. I’m not sad in any way. I’m usually either really happy, or neutral. I used to do well in school. I’d try to ace all my courses, but recently I just really stopped caring. I feel almost like I’ve experienced everything but dying. I’ve been in most cliques at school, I’ve had major and minor surgeries, and I have a lot of medical conditions (that I was forced by my parent to visit the doctor and take care of). I still ,obviously, haven’t experienced everything though. I hardly pay attention to the actions I carry out and how they affect others , the way they react doesn’t bother me. Even though I should care about how they feel,I can’t and I realize it’s hurting my family and the people I’m around and I wish I could care. When my grandfather died a few months ago, I couldn’t even cry. I attended to my grandmother, but I didn’t feel like I lost anything; even though I was close with him. Late February, I adopted a pet, hoping it would pave the way to caring, it doesn’t feel like I’m cherishing the time with it though. It just feels like a responsibility that I must attend to regardless if I want to or not. I have no idea if theres something wrong with me, I just don’t want to live the rest of my life in this grey void. I’m not looking for a diagnosis, just advice.

A. You may be having a normal reaction to difficult life events.

You had both major and minor surgeries, “a lot” of medical conditions and recently lost your grandfather. These are all major life events and all seem to have occurred in close temporal proximity. Virtually anyone would struggle with these issues.

Your medical problems and surgeries could be affecting your mood. Your medical problems may require you to take certain medications, which may also be affecting the way you feel. Virtually all medications have side effects which could produce changes in your thinking and behavior and feelings.

Losing your grandfather may also be affecting your mood. Sadness after the death of a loved one is normal.

Medical problems, surgeries and losing a close family relative will undoubtedly have an effect on your mood and behavior. Therefore, it’s possible that these events are the reason why you are feeling the way you do.

It’s highly unlikely that you will “live the rest of your life in this grey void.” You’re experiencing a difficult time in your life but you will not always feel this way. I would encourage you to share your feelings with your parents. Ask if there’s anything they can do to help. They may offer advice or perhaps suggest counseling. During this difficult time, be open with your feelings and make it your goal to gain as much support as possible. The more support you have, the better you will feel. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

My boyfriend has an anger issue n I have been the victim for a long time. We both live together and he finds silly reasons to get angry on me or hit me even. He is mean in every way he can be but when I say I will him he apologizes and gives me fake promises. It’s really getting hard for me to take it but I cannot leave him as I feel pity on him, as he has no other family. I need help to cure his problem.

A: Thank you for being so courageous as to write us here at Psych Central. Many times when I get an email with a question there are two sides to consider and it is rare that I make direct suggestions someone should do to change. Your email prompts a very different response. You need to find a way to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

I have considerable experience in working with angry men in domestic relationships. They are typically not motivated for change, promise they will treat their girlfriends better, but never do, and often escalate until there is a serious medical or legal problem. You deserve more than to be in a relationship out of pity, and he will not learn how unacceptable his behavior is until he loses someone he says he cares about. In other words, you staying allows him to remain unchallenged with his problem. It is time to go.

But do not go without support. Anger management issues with men often involve issues of control and jealousy. In your country you may want to get support from your family and church about how to go about getting out of the relationship. In general the men do not change until something drastic happens – like their girlfriend leaves them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I had the diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia with depressive affects and I am still on medications, but I am seeking help to stop my weird behaviors as well as emotional hypersensitivity. I like being requested to go for counseling/ therapy/ medical interviews/ check-ups/ pressured into sex (I will even daydream about the process), I am an obsessive knuckle and joint cracker for no reason (whether in public or private), I get anxious or excited easily, I self-pity sometimes and enjoy it, and I always weep when I am alone after being criticized (should I try not to). Am I lonely and why? (Does that mean I need more emotional attachment and should seek marriage) Hope to get some input and advice from you. Thank you very much.

A. Perhaps some of your behaviors could be considered “weird” but some would not. You like being requested to attend treatment and being pressured into sex. What exactly do you mean by “being requested?” It may be that when someone requests that you attend treatment, you interpret it as them caring about you.

You also characterized your desire to “be pressured into sex” as being “weird.” Sometimes people have fantasies about being the submissive partner during sexual relations and this fantasy is relatively common. If I were interviewing you in person, I would ask you to explain in more detail what you meant by “being pressured.” Without that information I cannot characterize your behavior as being “weird” or not.

Obsessively cracking your knuckles and joints, being anxious and easily excited and crying alone after being criticized, may be indicative of anxiety. I would need to know how often these issues arise and in what situations, to determine if they are outside the norm. For instance, what do you mean by obsessively? Every day, all day? Only when interacting with certain people?

Without being able to gather more information about the aforementioned issues, it is difficult to provide an accurate assessment of the problem. I would recommend talking about this with your mental health professionals to determine if there is a problem. Only a mental health professional who interviews you in person could answer your specific questions and determine whether or not there is a problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I started a criminal life early, spending most of my 20′s behind bars. I never learned how to be somebody or even be in a relationship sober or that did not feel like a hostage situation. Years later(present), I came across an acquaintance of mine that came to see me in the hospital when I had a tumor removed, and well we have been spending some time together. We have kissed and I couldn’t believe that he kisses just the way I like. He listens to my type of music, we have the same believes and outlook on many things in general. It seems that he is my soul mate. I want to get closer and be with him a lot but I am insecure about my body because of scares and how gravity has taken over my body. I see myself playing stupid junior high games and I get jealous or made when he does not call or text. How can I grow out of this insecurity?

A: I deeply admire your courage for speaking about your past and getting focused on the present. I think it takes a good deal of bravery to honor your struggle. In this relationship there are three major influences. The first is the fact that you are feeling so many positive and engaging emotions that they may in and of themselves overwhelm you. Second, this is a new relationship and it doesn’t sound like you have had a sober relationship in your life. This could be quite unsettling and undermine you as you learn the dance of intimacy. Finally, this comes at a time when you are struggling for your personal identity; who you are, and what your contribution is going to be in the world. The confluence of these factors make for a difficult time.

As you mentioned in your profile along with this letter that you are in college I would highly recommend you find a counselor on campus and talk to him or her about your concerns. This will be the fastest and easiest way to get some help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral