I’m an Australian student who is on exchange in France. For the last two or three years, I have had bouts of what I presume is mild depression (I don’t know for sure because I’ve never been medically diagnosed). I thought I had cured myself for about six months, because all feelings of sadness completely subsided and I was literally in a state of euphoria for the entire time. I never needed to sleep, I had endless energy and motivation, I couldn’t stop laughing etc.

Then a few months ago, I found myself in France. For the first few weeks, the euphoria continued… and then suddenly it was though someone threw a black sheet over my eyes. At first, it could have passed for homesickness but just in the past few weeks this feeling has become particularly bad. It started off with me just not being as talkative, but now it’s worse. I withdraw myself and live in my own world. It’s also nearly impossible for me to smile as well. I’ve just never felt this truly depressed in my life… but it’s more than that, I also feel very spacey and surreal and have become a bit paranoid. Sometimes I get suicidal thoughts and the like but they’re never acted upon, mainly due to two reasons: the first being that with these feeling comes great laziness and fatigue, so I frankly can’t be bothered acting on the feelings and secondly, I have a terrible fear of failure and I see suicide as failure.

I have plenty of friends here and all that but my French is not developed enough to explain these issues and even if it was, I wouldn’t speak of these problems. Not even my best friend of many years knows about this. I suppose this is due to my fear of failure and I also don’t want to bore him/make him think I’m just whiny plus I’d just feel exposed.

In addition to this, I have found two strange feelings I’ve never had before… I actually, in a sick way, enjoy being sad and lifeless yet so desperately want to get rid of it. Sometimes I just sit there and try with everything in me to forget, pulling my hair, but nothing helps. The second bizarre thing is that I find the daylight makes me very low, whereas the night clears my mind a bit.

I feel like I have to say more, but everything in my head is too hard to explain, so I hope this little segment will help me.
Thank-you.

A: Thank you for writing. I’m very concerned about you. The symptoms you are describing are consistent with bipolar disorder. Please go to this link to educate yourself about it.

You are only 16 and on exchange in a foreign country. You are asking too much of yourself to handle your problems alone. I hope your school program has a counselor available. If not, please consider talking with a teacher about how to get some help. You need a psychological evaluation to determine if you need treatment.

I don’t want to make you anxious but if I’m correct about this being bipolar illness it will get worse without treatment. The good news is that with a combination of medicine and talk therapy, most people get better and live a normal life. In fact, people with bipolar are often exceptionally creative and productive once they learn to manage their illness.

You made an important first step in writing to us here at Psych Central. Now please take the next step and talk with an adult who can assist you in getting the help you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Anxiety- feeling anxious about how people perceive me, finding it difficult to make new friends, needs to suss people and situations out before even thinking about forming friendships. I worry constantly about the past- can’t seem to get rid of the regrets from years ago, keep pondering over what I should have done to the annoyance of my friends

Obsession- throughout life I have fastened onto one friend and have a great fear of losing them. In year 10 I only really had one true friend, although I was in a group of several girls, I never really spoke to the others and when me and that friend had a major fall out ( I didn’t even know why that was but I was so afraid of upsetting her and making things worse that I didn’t confront her and just sat there in silence, trying to always be around my “friends” to prevent them from bitching about me) I used to get so paranoid and used to write down the things I was planning to say to her that day, things like that. The isolation went on for months from about late September/early October until about early December, I hardly spoke to anyone during this period of time. But I made friends from a performing arts class and joined a new group of people. Other than the happiest part of my life (Year 10 after Christmas) where I had four best friends and others besides until that broke down as my 2 sets of 2 friends began kind of fighting because of me not spending enough time with them and a couple of other things. Since and before then I have always latched onto one person and become almost completely selfless to them. That’s not to say I don’t have my own opinions and tell them off for minor things, but I always care more than what’s natural about what they think and feel. I form a massive emotional attachment to them and feel oblivious to everyone else and that I don’t deserve them. It’s how I feel most safe, but I know that when they move on or fall out with me etc then I’ll have no-one.

Jealousy-the best friend I’ve had for 4 years now is a guy, but I constantly feel jealous of both his male and female friendships. Even how close he is to his family.

Low self esteem- some outwardly but none inwardly. Constant images of failure in life.
Bad performance in exams and essays- leaves essays to last minute because I dread them. Goes into exams and doesn’t worry about it properly until I’m in the room where my mind goes completely blank and I panic.

Rages and easily irritable- seem to be close to anger a lot of the time and small things can trigger it, like my English lessons last year, I associated them with being angry so I was. Sometimes I’ll say a comment about one of my friends behind their back then say it to their faces on impulse when the opportunity arises. I get some sort of sick pleasure from this “honesty”.

Over-analysing- I over- analyse everyone and everything including myself so I recognise flaws in people that others don’t notice. I take part in demolishing views of so-called “good” people by pointing out the bad points about them and maybe manipulating (if that’s the right word) others into doing the same as I always believe the worst in people and don’t believe that anyone’s motivations are as pure as people believe. Spend hours a day thinking and analysing things and get anxious and frightened if I’m too busy to do it.

Taking pleasure in creating uncomfortable, awkward circumstances-through giving short answers to questions or telling people what I think of their views etc. This isn’t for everyone by any means just for a few people where I play God in wanting to chop down their over-inflated egos.

Binges on food and has guilt over what I’ve eaten at all times.

Completely different moods- the happiest I’ve ever seemed to my family at home is whenever I’m going through the worst times at school or college. Then vice versa as well. Sometimes my mood changes very fast for no reason and I shun everyone around me if it turns bad, or one little thing triggers it at any time. My friends and family noticed this when I was about 13.

Impulsive- like the other week when we were having an induction to work this lad who I’d gone to primary school with but had never really spoken to had a little moan about having to walk home, so i just immediately asked him if he wanted a lift. This was really awkward and “socially wrong”. I felt embarrassed as soon as I’d said it.

Solitude- hates constant company. Got really angry just spending 3 days alone with my two best friends for my birthday in London. Shouts at family if they disturb me etc.

Hates change- long amounts of time to adjust to some things. Difficulty sleeping in unknown places. Inexplicably tearful at sleepovers. Not being able to sleep in a new place until entirely comfortable eg going round at 2 in the morning tidying and popping balloons in our hotel because I couldn’t sleep with them there. I’m either very impulsive at times but mostly hate not being able to mentally plan everything out days in advance. Compulsive list-maker.
Over-honest about everyone and myself to the point of sounding horrible and completely pessimistic.

Never seems to feel happy- for longer than a couple of hours or occasionally a day, can go into what probably is depression for months. I isolate myself, get completely over-emotional and have a kind of hopeless view on the world and man-kind itself almost daily but then my mood changes and I think how stupid I was to feel like that.

A. Thank you for the very detailed letter. I responded to each symptom that you have described. It’s also important to mention that I am not able to offer you an “official” diagnosis. It’s always best to be evaluated in person to receive the most accurate diagnosis. If you’re a regular reader of my column you may know that I typically give this advice to most people who want a diagnosis.

• Anxiety: It’s not healthy or normal to constantly feel anxious. You’re preoccupied with the past and find it difficult to control the anxiety. This is something that could be treated with counseling. Counseling could teach you how to stop focusing on things that you can’t control and to “let go” of the past. There are many skills that you could learn to control anxiety.

• Obsession: The manner in which you interact with friends is unhealthy. You become fixated on one particular individual and have a major emotional reaction at the thought of losing them. The hallmarks of borderline personality disorder are unstable relationships and the fear (real or imagined) of being abandoned by those around you. The relationship dynamic you have described is characteristic of individuals with borderline personality disorder.
• Jealousy: It is a sign of insecurity. It’s not a symptom of borderline personality disorder per se, but many individuals with the disorder do tend to experience jealousy.
• Low self-esteem: Regarding low self-esteem, you say that you are not doing well on essays and exams. You dread the essays and exams therefore, you don’t study and panic when you have to take them. That may be related to not being prepared or perhaps not knowing how to prepare for exams. The low self-esteem may have resulted because of low scores on tests and exams. Low self-esteem or a persistently unstable self-image or sense of self is a characteristic of borderline personality disorder. It is not clear whether your low self-esteem is tied to failing school work or if you have an overall unfavorable self-image. It may also be both.
• Rages and easily irritable: That is another characteristic of borderline personality disorder. It’s very common for individuals with the disorder to feel intensely angry. Many individuals with the disorder also feel that they have little or no control over their anger.
• Overanalyzing: That may be related to anger and irritability. It’s common for individuals with borderline personality disorder to display sarcasm or bitterness towards others. You may feel bitter toward “good people.” You may be jealous of people who are perceived as good and your way of changing this is to “prove” that they are not good by pointing out negative things about them. As you said, what you’re doing is manipulating the situation to present these “good individuals” in a bad light. Relatedly, you talked about feeling like God and liking this feeling. That feeling is related to power. Perhaps you feel powerless and pointing out negative things about “good” people is your way of gaining power.

  You also reported believing the worst about people. Perhaps you do this because others have treated you badly in the past. If your experience with caretakers or parents (people who were supposed to protect you) has been negative and they have treated you unkindly then it makes sense that you’d come to expect this type of behavior from other people. The act of putting people down, feeling powerless, and trying to gain power by targeting “good” people all seem interrelated. Because other people have possibly had the power to do negative and harmful things to you, you find it pleasurable and desirable to inflict pain on others. It may be a way to get back at people for harming you and it makes you feel powerful.

• Moodiness and impulsivity: Those are common symptoms among individuals with borderline personality disorder.
• Hates change: Being resistant to change is another sign of the disorder. It’s not unusual for individuals with the disorder to experience rigidity in their thinking and behavior.
• Never feels happy: That may be related to moodiness/irritability and perhaps depression. Mood instability is another feature of borderline personality disorder.

I’ve gone through all the symptoms that you have described. You do meet many of the criteria for borderline personality disorder. As mentioned above, I cannot give you an official diagnosis over the Internet. It would be helpful to be evaluated by a mental health clinician. You may also want to educate yourself about the disorder. One book that I have found particularly helpful is titled I Hate You Don’t Leave Me. I believe it is one of the best books written about borderline personality disorder. If you do a search on Amazon.com you’ll likely find that you can buy a used copy of the book very cheaply. You might also be able to locate a copy at the library.

If you decide to see clinician about gaining a diagnosis, then you should also consider treatment. The issues that you have written about are assuredly negatively impacting your life. Borderline personality disorder is treatable, but that it is not something that can be cured overnight. It is treatable with the help of a seasoned and competent clinician who is specifically trained to help individuals with this disorder. I hope that you will consider treatment because it could significantly improve your life. Thank you for your questions and I wish you the best of luck.

Im writing because I’ve been told I should talk to someone. Every day, more and more, I feel like I just want to be alone. I used to love being around people, and friends, and family. Now, every day I go to work, come home, and sit at home and pretty much do nothing. If someone invites me to something, I find that I make excuses not to go. If someone asks if I want to go get a few drinks at a bar or get something to eat, I find a reason not to go. This wasn’t me 4 years ago.

Alot has happened in the last 4 years though. I used to be a very happy person. Genuinely happy. I was with the woman I thought I wanted to marry. I loved her very much. She had a son from another man that I also loved very much, and treated him like he was my own. About 2 years into our relationship, she married her son’s father without me knowing. A year later, she came to me and told me she had married him, saying she only did it for more money to support her son. My income was the only money we had to work with, and apparently wasn’t enough. I later came to find out marrying him was the only way he could be deployed into active duty for the Army without him giving up his rights to his son. So, she lied to me, I forgave her because I was fooled, and I stayed with her, sort of. She ended up deciding she wanted her son to be with his “real dad” and that she was going to move to Europe with him and live on a military base.

We never lost our feelings for each other. She realized the mistake she had made after she moved to Europe, and still realizes it to this day. I still love her, but it hurts to love someone so much and not be able to be with them. Because of this, I tried to just cut her out of my life by not talking to her anymore. That ended up just hurting even more.

Now, after almost a year of not talking to her, I decided to let her back into my life. She now lives back in the U.S., but a few states away. We’ve been talking on and off for the past few weeks. That’s part 1.

Two years ago my mother died. I loved her more than anyone in this world. If there was anyone I wish was still here with me, it would be her. I miss her so much, and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. She died of breast cancer. She fought very long, and very hard. She was very brave. I hope I can be as strong as my mother someday. So to say the least, I haven’t really come to terms with her death yet. I don’t know how to.

So to sum it all up and get to my point, both of these horrible things happened within 1 year of each other. I haven’t been the same since. People have told me I need to see a doctor/psychiatrist, I should be on medication, I should “forget about it” and I should move on with my life. I can’t move on. This is why I’m writing. I just need a professional opinion on what to do next. I constantly feel sad and depressed, and can’t stand being around a bunch of people at once. I feel like I want to find another love interest one minute, then feel like I just want to be single for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel lonely, and then sometimes I’ll want to be alone. I’m very confused, and I don’t know which major thing of the 2 affected me more. Please help.

A: What a sad story. You lost the woman you loved, the boy you took into your heart, and your mother within a year. It doesn’t matter which event affected you more. The cumulative effect is that you are miserable. Your letter shows you to be a sensitive person who loves deeply. It’s no wonder you’re stuck and unhappy.

The fact that you wrote your letter shows me that at least a part of you is ready to do the work you need to do to heal. I agree you need professional help but an advice column isn’t going to be enough. Please consider seeing a psychotherapist to help you sort out your feelings and to get some support. No therapist is going to tell you to just “forget about it.” You can’t. You need new ways to manage your losses before you can move on in life. I don’t know whether medication is necessary. It might help you clear your mind enough so that you can work on your issues or it may be that talk therapy is enough. You and your therapist will decide together if you need medicine to help you get a jumpstart. If you don’t know where to start looking for a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral.

You’ve been in pain far too long. You’re only 28. You have a long life ahead of you. I hope you will take the next step and get yourself the help you need so you can begin to enjoy life again and so you can find a woman who gives you the honest and genuine love you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

A. My main concern regarding your letter is that you are having suicidal thoughts and you are taking three to six pills a day “for no reason.” Regarding the pills, it is not clear to me why you’re taking them. What specific pills are you taking and where did you get them? Are you taking them because you’ve been prescribed them and you’re not sure what they have been prescribed for? Or are you taking the pills because you’re depressed and suicidal and it’s effectively a suicide attempt?

You asked whether you should tell your parents and if so, what you should say to them. You should definitely tell your parents. They need to know the information that you have provided in this letter. They care about you and it is important that they know how you’re feeling. If you’re not sure what to say, then you could try writing them a letter. You may also want to say something like this: “Hi Mom and Dad, I have been frightened to tell you about how I feel but you need to know that I have been depressed. In fact, I’ve been depressed to the point where I am considering committing suicide. These thoughts frighten me but I’m not sure how to deal with what makes me sad. I can’t think of a way to feel better so sometimes I think about ending my life. I don’t know what else to do. Can you please help me?”

You don’t have to use that exact script, but you do want to convey to them how you are feeling. When people consider suicide usually they are doing so because they’re not sure how else to handle their situation. They may feel trapped. They may also feel that they have exhausted everything they know how to try. It would be a mistake to believe that the only way to feel better is to commit suicide. Please realize that there is help for you, but to access it requires that you be honest with your parents. They need to know how you feel so they can find the proper help for you.

If you’re not sure what to say then you can print out this letter and give it to your parents. Please realize that depression is a very treatable illness. You need and deserve help. The bottom line is that it is imperative that you speak to your parents and get help immediately.

It’s also important that you have in your possession a number to a suicide hotline. Please call 800-273-8255 in the event that you feel overwhelmed. This is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline which is a 24-hour, toll-free suicide prevention service available to anyone in suicidal crisis. Good luck.

So for the past week, I have been having these disturbing day dreams of extreme violence. It’s always the same: nameless faceless thugs attack my girlfriend, and I lose it! In my head I see them going after her and I scream the most frightening fear inducing scream, and I’m off! I tear into them like they’re nothing. In the day dreams I can lift these men like a carton of milk and smash them against cars, buildings, the hard asphalt. The entire time I am screaming; that anyone has the audacity to even think of touching her. I am fighting like a gorilla. Heavy armed punches. I even tear out a shoulder tendon with my teeth. They are beginning to really scare me and I am afraid of really hurting someone.
Typically I am quite benevolent, kind, and courteous. Occasionally I will get very upset and physically hit something but I have never acted out against another living thing. I just don’t want it to escalate to that level ever.

A: This sounds intense. It makes me wonder if on some level you are feeling like either your relationship or your girlfriend is being threatened. Could it be that it is in some way easier to worry about these images than to deal with the root cause? That’s just a first guess. I’d need to talk to you to really understand. Since these fantasies are so out of character, I do recommend that you see a counselor to help you sort out what is going on. A session or two may help you figure it out and give you peace of mind.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

To truly understand I feel you need a bit of a background of my life. My mother has always been diagnosed with server depression. My life, from what I can remember started off great, for the short time I was in school I had plenty of friends and very little worries, I was also very interested in the sport of hockey. The 4th grade came and my love for the sport grew deeper, as my parents, who were on the line of divorce before I was even born, had their money grow shorter and shorter. The time had come for me to make a life changing decision, at the age of 7 years old. It was either quit the sport I loved, or start working to pay my own way through the expenses. I chose the job. The work hours made it seemingly impossible to be in school, work, and take hockey seriously. Therefore I started homeschooling, and with that decision it seems I lost all touch with anything that didn’t have to do with hockey, work, or school. Dreaming that all my sacrifice would be payed off when I grew up to be the next big star.

This is where things become sour. The friends I had made in my first four years of regular school stayed loyal to me for about a year, but when they started to be abandoned by me to work or go to hockey they just seemed to stop calling, one by one I lost those friends. By the time I was 13 I was playing hockey 3 hours away from home, so having a social life with my teammates was unfeasible, not to mention most of them weren’t interested in the first place. By 14 the question of having friends was out the window and I received an offer to move to the state of Maine, where I could play for free, attend a normal high school and try to regain some of that “normal” lifestyle my heart had been aching for since the loss of my close childhood friends. This great sounding opportunity, however, back fired. I was looked down on as the new kid and made fun of for the most of the 2 and a half years of my high school days. I tried to go somewhere and make something out of my hockey career, it was the only thing I had left. I ended up play a year of semi-pro before I was told that I did not have the size to make it anywhere. I felt cold and alone, though my parents stuck with me through everything I craved something different, that feeling I had back in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th grade. The feeling of friendship and loyalty.

With nothing left to do I moved back to my home town at 18, in hopes of reconnecting with the people I knew years ago to re spark the friendship we had once all shared. I got in contact with a few of them and ended up attempting to “hang out” and that we did 3 or 4 times. The problem was each time we got together I felt I was shoved into a dark corner of sympathy. I could not think of anything to say that would join me in their conversation, since most of what they were talking about is all the “good ol’” times I had missed, confused and full of anxiety I left. Even as I was leaving I did not hear or see one attempt of a farewell gesture.

I have just turned 20 and have been able to reconnect with my closest friend of our used to be circle of friends and we do hang out from time to time and it seems like just a taste of what I had before, however I feel like an annoyance more than a friend, because I know he is still part of some sort of group of friends and when he tries to include me with him, he is simply excluded as well.

I know I have it in me to do or say the right things that will allow me to relieve the social tension, my teachers used to call me the ring leader of our group of friends, before I made my life changing decision, that haunts me everyday. I just can’t seem to think or act once I am in front of them. I stiffen up like a board and I can not blame them for not wanting to spend time with someone who has nothing to do or say.

I need help. Something that can loosen me up. Because I feel that if I could make small steps back into our old circle of friends that I could honestly feel that friendship I had in the past and longed for ever since. I just don’t know how to overcome my blank mindedness when in a crowd of people. For the short time I spent in college I was fascinated with Physiology, therefore I think I understand that its a hybrid of inherited depression and a high social anxiety. But even pinpointing the problem I don’t know how to fix it, which draws me deeper into the darkness, as I am one to find the problem and fix it. I enjoy having things put on my shoulders to take control of, but its as though I am standing in miles of forest with no direction trying to guess where I should put my first step.

Please help me! I have dropped out of college and am unable to hold a job due to lack of friends and my seemingly anti social actions, left a state for the same reason, and feel that my only hope left was to try to reconnect with the only people I had once shared my life with and even that has not been working out. This feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and lack of need is making me feel like less and less of a person each day, some days I question “who would come to my funeral, if I ended it all”. However, I know I can make it through this to reconnect or make new friends, if I knew the steps and ways. I was determined enough to go from someone who had never stepped on an ice rink to playing semi-pro hockey. I just need a “coach” to explain the drills to me.

Please help me, I fear the day I decide there is no help for me, because that is the day I will answer my question of who would come to my funeral.

Thank you in advance.

A. There are several issues to address. The first one is that you believe there may be no help for you. Please recognize that there is help for you. You are not at the point of being unhelpable. In fact, it’s just the opposite. From my perspective you’re an excellent candidate for therapy. For one reason, you recognize that you need help. You talked about wanting to find a “coach” to show you the right path. That is exactly the role a therapist can play. A good therapist attempts to help the client become the person he or she has the potential to be.

The second reason you would be a good candidate for therapy is you recognize that some aspect about your behavior may make it difficult for you to connect with other people. This may or may not be true but if it is, a therapist can help you alter your behavior to have a better relationship experience. The therapist could also objectively analyze your situation and teach you interactional skills. You probably never had the opportunity to develop or practice these skills, possibly because you were home schooled or working. For these reasons and many others, therapy would be a great place to deal with these issues.

I apologize for the digression, but I am curious about the type of work you were doing at the age of seven. It’s rare for children to be sent to work this young, as well as illegal in the United States.

The second area I want to address is related to the fact that you are attempting to contact old friends and rekindle relationships with them. When you attempted to interact with old friends the situation wasn’t as pleasant as you thought it would be. It seemed like it was an awkward and forced interaction on your part and your friends’. That is understandable to me. Even if you had “best friends” during school many of those friendships were probably superficial. That is characteristic of many adolescent friendships. The proof of this is that after high school most people lose contact with the individuals they had been friends with. Most people develop new, longer-lasting friendships. This is where your focus should be. You are attempting to rekindle relationships from the past when you should be focusing on the present.

I think the heart of the issue is that you may not have had the opportunity to have many friends as a youth and this may have inhibited your social skills. The solution is to consider therapy. As I mentioned above, a therapist can help you develop social skills. In addition, a therapist can also help you develop self-confidence in your ability to interact with other people. You could practice the skills in therapy and the therapist can act as a “coach” to guide you through the process. If you would like to search for a therapist in your community please utilize this therapy directory.

One last thing. The desire you feel to connect with other people is very normal and natural. Human beings desire to have relationships with other people. There is nothing abnormal about this. The crux of the issue seems related to the fact that you never had sufficient opportunity to interact with other children or adolescents your age and this has hampered your ability to connect with people in the present. None of this is your fault. This issue is very treatable and social skills can be learned. There is a lot of hope for you. I hope you’re able to find a good “coach.” Thank you for your question.

I am an attractive male academic professional in love with another attractive male academic professional. By way of history, we met 7 years ago when he leased the office next to me. We locked eyes when we first saw each other and I found myself spontaneously asking him to join me at a barbecue I had been invited to. To my joy, he agreed to go and we had a wonderful time with never-ending fresh conversation. I have always been comfortable with my attraction to men but am not “out” although I am sure many suspect. At the barbecue we only seemed to have eyes for each other and I senses others were wondering what was going on with us. My friend professes to be straight and was married when I first met him (now divorced for reasons not involving me)but he always compliments me; holds chairs out for me, is very sweet and likes to wine and dine me at intimate and expensive restaurants. We have never been intimate and despite the fact that we had a falling out for a few years over a nonsensical business deal, we are “on” again. Tonight we had the most romantic dinner and he was as charming as usual. He always dresses up when we go to dinner and I like that about him.During dinner today, I told him that I missed him terribly when we were not together and he stated he felt the same.I should mention that during a brief hospitalization he brought me flowers and candy while during an emergency visit he had a few years back I waited on him while he was attended to. He told me tonight that he did not have a “bi” bone in him but that he considered me his best friend. After dinner we went shopping together and I helped him pick out some sportscoats . I notice that when we are together, people tend to treat us as a couple and it does not seem to bother him. He is very close to his father. I just find it difficult to believe that this man is totally straight but wonder what you think. He is single now and a devoted father. I also have children but they are grown.

I am in love with him.

A: What I think is that your friend has made it very clear what kind of relationship he will have with you. The tough position you’re in is that you want something else. Unrequited love can be very, very painful. Only you know whether you can accept the friendship you have and be grateful for it without pressuring your friend for more intimacy than he is prepared to give you.

Really good friends are hard to find. I hope you can enjoy this special relationship and accept your friend’s limits. If you’re looking for romantic love, I hope you will make yourself available to others so that you can find a lover as well. Then you will be doubly blessed.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

1.) WE have been married for over a year. WE were supposed to be first….we were going to have the first grandchild, the first red-sox fan, etc. in the family. I desperately want his family to love me the best, and now, I’m second place. Everyone will faun over her, and i have to hear it for the rest of my life.

2.) We’ve been trying, and all i’ve had to show are UTI’s, breakdowns every month when I get my period. I take vitamins, track my BBT, avoid alcohol, caffeine and everything else i love. THEY decide that they want to have a kid, and they get pregnant immediately.

3.) My husband’s brother was upset that we werent extremely excited for him on the phone,and conferred with their mom to see what was wrong with us. She told other family members, so now EVERYONE in his family is surely talking about how we’re “probably” trying and how we weren’t excited for them.

4.) my husband is overly trusting and loves his brother. he’s very patient with me and listens but i dont like talking to him about it, bc i dont want to upset him– he and his bro are best friends.

I am a really jealous and really angry person in general. I have a difficult time letting go of things that make me upset; it’s unnatural. I feel bad b/c they didnt do it on purpose, but this is really no fair. i can’t shake the hatred. i go through phases of sadness, then anger, then acceptance, but then back to sadness etc. i think of it every waking moment of my life. I keep realizing little things too, like what if they take the baby names my husband and i discussed?

His family is really caring, and my husband assures me that when our time comes, they will be equally excited– which they will. My in-laws are awesome. BUT in my head, I know that we are second. I know that there is a special bond between them and the baby, that my child will never have. I don’t know what i’m going to do when i actually have to SEE my bro-in-law and wife. i get so mad i kick things when i even read a line on facebook referencing their pregnancy.

please help me. i don’t know if you can suggest a coping method or a calming method or something. i really cant keep crying myself to sleep every night and i don’t like feeling so angry.
thank you.

A. It seems that you have turned having a baby into a competition. If we questioned your sister-in-law, in all likelihood, she would not support the idea that she is in a competition to have the first child. You’re also assuming that the second baby will not be as welcomed into the family or as loved as the first. Cognitively, this is a mistake in logic. What are you basing this assumption on? Why would parents or grandparents love the first child more than the second? Millions of parents and grandparents would tell you that they love all of their children and grandchildren equally, regardless of the order that they were born in.

Following your logic, baby number two in your family is going to be the “lesser” loved of the two children. What if it were your in-laws who were to have the second baby? Shouldn’t you be upset about the fact that a child, in this case child number two, would be less loved? Isn’t this unfair to the second child? Wouldn’t you want all children to be loved and treated equally?

In all likelihood, if there are multiple children in the family, no matter their birth order, your family would love all children equally.

One interesting aspect of this situation is that your husband doesn’t feel the same way about his brother. You say he is “over trusting” but is he? Perhaps you are not trusting enough. He sees this situation differently than you but that does not mean he is wrong. In all likelihood, he realizes that his brother and the rest of the family would love all of the children equally, regardless of birth order.

If you continue to struggle with this issue then I would suggest that you consider cognitive therapy. Cognitive therapy focuses on ideas about a particular situation and helps an individual to think in a logical manner. Very often people with mental health symptoms such as depression or anxiety or other related disorders are not thinking correctly. Cognitive therapy can help correct their thinking.

Being cognitively wrong can have a snowball effect. If you’re wrong about one thing and then you use that incorrect thinking to draw a conclusion it may lead to mistakes in judgment and behavior. The incorrect assumption you are making in your situation is that the firstborn grandchild gets the most love. This is leading you to a host of incorrect conclusions. These conclusions and the thoughts associated with them are causing you to feel jealousy, anxiety, anger and so forth, to the point of kicking things and crying yourself to sleep every night. You’re not in a healthy place psychologically and that’s why you may want to consider therapy. You can change your thinking and overcome this issue but you may need the assistance of a mental health professional. It could be very helpful to you.

I know that you are feeling very bad about this whole situation. I sincerely hope that soon you will feel better. Having a baby should be a thing of pure joy for you and should not be mixed with all of the negative feelings that you are experiencing. Counseling should help to remove those negative feelings and allow you to experience the pure joy that you deserve.

If you’d like to find a therapist in your area please consult this directory. Thanks for your question.

I’ve never tried to kill myself, but I’ve cut myself dozens, if not hundreds of times, and must wear long sleeved shirts until they fade. My sister has tried to kill herself, and is now on Anti-Depressants. I believe that I am now mentally sound, and I am working full time. Work is excellent, I’ve received raises and without going into detail things are going great. I believe that every part of my life is ok except for two parts.

My siblings, and my parents.

As I’ve said, I’ve cut, been diagnosed with depression, schizophrenia, and been told that I don’t accept any limits placed in front of me. And that’s only what shrinks say from what know. They don’t know that I’ve slept for weeks on end, hated myself, binged, then ran miles and miles for a month until I relapsed. All those diagnosis have been withdrawn and any Therapist that I’ve met and spoken to now always says that I’m a high powered, functioning, energetic inividual, until my parents come in and tell them everything I used to do.

I think that a lifetime of being yelled at, being told everything that was wrong with me, why I would fail unless I did this or that, that I had this or that problem because I didn’t do this or that, gave me problems. It made me insecure and doubtful of myself, and since the people that I was supposed to look up to basically told me everything that was wrong with me since I was born, I believed I was garbage. Until I was lucky enough to leave and overcome that.

The thing is, my siblings are still stuck in the house. Every time I think of a milestone that I overcame outside of my parents house, and how difficult it was, I start crying. Because I think that all three of them will have to go through it. And I’m not sure if they can.

Two years ago, I was the most insecure, apathetic person you could meet. I spoke in a monotone, couldn’t hold a job, didn’t have any friends, and my left arm had dozens of scars, which had spread to my shoulder, chest, and right thigh. I was offered a job, and a month later got the opportunity to move out because of my Aunt. That, combined with free access to Seminars or conference calls that a Company Consultant did to motivate a sales force, and a very close friend that made me realize that I’m not retarded, not ugly, not weird, and do have potential, fixed me.

But the farther I go, the more I look back and realize how messed up I was, and I worry about how unhappy my brothers are.

My 17 year old brother was found truant last year, and is now in a special programs school overrun with junkies and delinquents, he also speaks in monotone, barely has friends, and either walks in circles for hours on end or plays xbox. He used to want to be a Navy Seal until he became diabetic, now he doesn’t know what he wants to do. My 13 year old brother routinely fails classes and takes summer school. My 8 year old brother had to do a grade over again, and whenever he’s not with people that he’s not comfortable with, shuts down completely.

I hope that I’m wrong, but it seems like all of them are insecure, hesitant, don’t want to leave a comfort zone, and if they do, are not confident. They are afraid of trying new thing or being wrong. And they don’t speak much in public, as if afraid that an adult will chastise them.

I blame it on my parents. I have memories of being 5-6 and having a string of cusswords said to me in a tone of voice that would make any adult either cringe or beat the $%@! out of someone. I wasn’t hit much though. Not anymore than the usual, and definitely not physical abuse.

I’ve never gotten along with my parents, but after getting into the nastiest yelling fight with my father, he does not interfere with me. I drove my mother to Austin one night as a favor, and wound up telling her the next week that the only reason I took 9 hours out of my night to do that was because I felt sorry for her, because she was such a #@&*$ that no one else would, not even her husband. I realize that even though they’ve yelled, and verbally abused me, they care about me, many, many more times than I could ever care about them.

That, in combination with the fact that I’m very physically fit and am now much more confident and secure than they are, means that I can almost do whatever I want when I’m with my brothers(which I am every weekend unless work interferes), and that they don’t mistreat them when I’m there. But I don’t know how to help them.

My mother has tried many times to blame my brother’s diabetes on me due to the fact that he runs long distance like I did, and I have no idea what else they do when I’m not there. I’ve overheard my father threatening to spank my youngest brother, but I yelled at him for something else and he didn’t talk about it again. They used to threaten to get a restraining order on me, since they think I’m challenging their authority by not adhering to their every whim, but I responded with saying that I’d call a civil service agent and they back off.

Every once in a while, I feel bad for being a bad son and a general all-round $#%hole to them. I ignore them, blatantly disregard them, and show more affection for a cat… But I feel that I can’t ever feel anything for them until they stop being vindictive, hateful control freaks that make my brothers feel like #%!@.

Like I said, I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want my brothers to go down the same path that me or my sister went down, because I was very, very close to all sorts of garbage. I’ve been in jail, done drugs, and it just wasn’t good… My sister is on anti-depressants, and drinks regularly, she’s crashed twice in the last year, and my that’s only what I know. Can anyone help me?

A: You’ve already done a great deal to help yourself. You’ve taken charge of your life and you’ve started looking forward instead of back. You grabbed on to some good luck and took advantage of opportunities that came your way. Good for you!

Not everyone gets the parents they deserve. Not every adult can manage the sometimes overwhelming job of being a parent. When parents yell, blame, curse at their kids, and punish it’s usually because they are terribly insecure or they didn’t have good role models for parenting themselves.

You’ve overcome the many ways your parents undermined you. But here’s the hard part of becoming more mature than they are: If you use the same methods to get through to them (yelling, threatening, and saying hurtful things), you are keeping that family style going. The next piece of healing for you is to refuse to participate in that kind of behavior and instead get the help that the family needs.

I applaud your efforts to support your brothers and prevent them from hurting themselves as you did. Even if you can only be at your family’s home on weekends, you are giving your siblings a role model that you never had. You could take it a step further and line up some family therapy for all of you. If your parents won’t go, you could still invite your brothers and your sister to go along with you to help them learn the lessons you learned but at an earlier age. If you feel that your parents are crossing the line and are being truly abusive to your siblings, you could also make a report to child protective services in your state. In most states, protective services does everything they can to keep a family together while at the same time working on changing the situation. Do a little research to find out what kind of help they can offer.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

A. The recent changes in your mood may be related to perimenopause. Perimenopause marks the beginning of a woman’s transition into menopause. It can vary significantly but typically it lasts for two to eight years before menopause begins. Irregular periods and changes in mood are common signs of perimenopause.

Would hormone replacement therapy (HRT) be a more appropriate treatment than antidepressants? The answer is, it depends. Some doctors may use HRT alone or in combination with antidepressants to relieve mood instability. Those treatments may work for some but results can vary. In your situation, antidepressants may not be helpful and another treatment is warranted. Another antidepressant may improve your response, or the dosing of your current medicine may need adjusted. All of the aforementioned possibilities need to be explored with your doctor, preferably with a gynecologist specially trained to work with menopausal or perimenopausal women.

If you have not done so already, consider making an appointment with a gynecologist. He or she may be able to determine whether HRT is appropriate.

I would also recommend that you begin researching hormone replacement therapy. A good resource is the U.S. government’s Health and Human Services women’s health website. The website can be found at this address.

Other great resources include the National Women’s Health Resource Center. Here’s a link to a resource they developed regarding hormone replacement therapy.

You can also try the North American Menopause Society.

An evaluation by a specialist is generally recommended when symptoms such as mood swings, irregular menstrual cycles, or hot flashes are negatively impacting your life. I think you’re at the point in which your life and wellbeing are diminished due to hormonal changes associated with menopause. I hope you are able to find a doctor who can bring you relief. I wish you the best of luck.

Hi,
Lately my life has been going down hill…I”m 13. I have no friends, and I don’t even try anymore… It all started when my baby brother was born eight years ago. Thats when my dad’s career really took off… We move a lot, and after that move, when I was 5 and lost so many friends, i just never made anymore… A lot has happened to me since… My mom just told me she was diagnosed with paranoia, and that she and dad where thinking of seperating (if our family didn’t improve)… I think i’m to blame, because I have no friends, I just go to school, and then come home, do homework, and sleep… Also, my dad won’t listen and accept what happened to my mom, and my brother is trying to get away from the family, and my mom has given up… I just, it feels like its all been thrown on my shoulders to make friends, keep the family together, and make enough time in the day for me… I can’t take it anymore, and find that I just can’t stop crying…
Thanks for the help-

A: You have two serious problems. You don’t have friends and your family is falling apart. No wonder you are feeling stressed and unhappy.

You are not at all alone in having difficulty with lots of moves that meant repeatedly leaving your school and adjusting to a new place. Military kids often have the same problem. So do kids whose parents’ jobs move them around a lot. Kids often end up feeling out of control of their lives and like there’s no use in even trying to make new friends when they are only going to have to leave.

Managing multiple moves means thinking about it in a different way. The key is joining something that interests you at school or outside of school. Join the same kind of club or team at each move and get to know the kids who share that activity. Stay in touch with kids you’ve left behind through the Internet. Pretty soon, instead of no friends, you will have friends who share the same interest wherever you go. Because they share the same interest, the kids in each place are interested to know about how things were done in your former place.

I know one kid, for example, who is a figure skater. She finds an instant group of like-minded kids wherever she goes as soon as she hits the rink. Another kid I know was a Girl Scout in the U.S. She has connected with Girl Guides in many countries and keeps in touch with the various groups on Facebook. She’s a little older than you (19) so has been able to go back and visit other girls in 3 countries during summer holidays. Your job is to stop spending your time feeling sorry for yourself and start taking charge of your life by figuring out what activity you like enough to use as your connector to other people. Yes, I know it’s hard. I know you probably don’t feel like it since you’re so sad. But the only person who can change this part of your life is you.

As for the family situation: Please listen to me: The family problems are not, not, not your fault. Your mother has been diagnosed with a mental illness and your dad has probably been occupied with his career. They are the grownups. It is their job to get whatever help they need to fix the family. At 13, you can’t take your parents’ troubles on your shoulders. All you can do is tell them how sad the situation makes you and that you wish they would find help since you and your little brother need them. if there is a counselor at your school or a teacher you trust, you could ask him or her to help you make that request of your parents and perhaps provide information about where to get treatment for your mom and support for your family.

Please stop blaming yourself and start doing what you can to make your life better. I can tell by your letter that you are a sensitive, caring person. Other people will be glad to be your friend once you let them get to know you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

This has gotten worse as time goes on. In high school, because everyone is cliqueish, I never really noticed that I only spent time with a tiny select group of people, but I still felt as if I did not belong anywhere. At college, the feeling became very pronounced, and in job after job after that, I found that I really could not connect to anyone, and that I never really felt as if I fit in anywhere.

I’m angry with myself for having no confidence, and I’m always starting and stopping things that people always say boost one’s self esteem, like working out, reading self help books, practicing NLP patterns or setting smaller goals. It doesn’t matter; invariably, and increasingly, I find myself paralyzed by fear when I’m in an unfamiliar situation, and I won’t be able to make conversation, or even eye-contact with people I know, much less with strangers, and this has lead to my simply being left out of the gatherings of friends and family that I do know and would feel somewhat comfortable with.

I often feel torn between wanting to become “better” and hating myself for not being able to accept myself for who I am.

But I can’t help but judge myself through the eyes of others, and I always feel that I’m not as relaxed, or clever, or social as everyone else is.

The worst thing about all of this is that I feel trapped when I think about spending the rest of my life like this. The word I would describe it as is “claustrophobic”, because I feel real panic when I think about being on an airplane or a crowded train, and the feeling I get when I think about spending every day of the rest of my life in this condition is very similar.

Is confidence something that’s simply a genetic gift, like good looks and athleticism, or is there any hope that a guy like me can ever hope to have some himself? Is there anything that I can do that will at least give me the inner strength to speak to someone eye-to-eye instead of mumbling at my shoes? I know that I am intelligent and articulate, and as I desperately want social contact, I don’t believe that I have the sort of mental disorder that makes people unable to empathize with others. I just want some advice on how to develop a shadow of some self confidence, to perhaps be able to speak to a girl for once. Thank you for any help you can offer.

A. I’m sorry you’re experiencing distress. I believe the issue you’re dealing with may be social anxiety disorder. The hallmark of social anxiety disorder is a persistent fear of social and performance situations in which embarrassment may occur, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of mental health disorders. Oftentimes individuals with this disorder avoid social interaction. They do not like to be outside their comfort zone. They’re worried that others will judge them and believe they are perceived as weak or stupid. The disorder tends to significantly affect an individual’s occupational and everyday functioning and in some cases their academic functioning, social activities and relationships. Of course I can’t know if you have a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder, but you do seem to meet some of the criteria.

The good news is that social anxiety disorder is a very treatable condition. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a popular and effective psychotherapy for this disorder. Cognitive behavioral therapy means that during the course of treatment the therapist will address both your behaviors and your thoughts related to anxiety. CBT usually lasts for approximately 12 weeks and may require you to complete homework, but the style of counseling depends on the therapist. Therapy sessions can be conducted individually or in a group setting.

If you recognize that you may have this disorder or anxiety in general then it is advisable you seek treatment. Social anxiety disorder often requires professional assistance. There is no one known “cure” for the disorder but treatment with a competent and seasoned professional can be effective. Left untreated, social anxiety can become more intense over time. To find a therapist near you please go to this link.

If you’re able to receive treatment, then you are not destined to a life crippled by fear. I understand that this disorder is not easy to deal with nor easy to treat. You may even feel anxious about the idea of meeting with a counselor. That’s understandable, but the best way to overcome your fears is to face them. You can do this with counseling.

One last thing. Please don’t be overly critical of yourself for not being able to overcome social anxiety on your own. It seems as though you’ve had this disorder since childhood. If that is true, the social anxiety has had many years to develop. Something that has had years to develop is not going to remedy itself overnight. It may take time and professional help, but if you put forth the effort you can overcome this issue and live a much better, anxiety-free life.

The memory I have of the incident is heavy in physical detail. For example, I remember a stain on my dad’s carpet that I was kneeling on and I can recall the game I chose to play after his “turn” was over.

The thing is, I don’t understand why I would all of a sudden recall such a traumatic (is it?) incident without any sort of trigger. And I can’t seem to remember what led to that moment in my dad’s office nor can I remember where my dad was at the time. (My dad and mom were divorced and we spent weekends at his house and I can’t imagine him leaving us alone when the oldest was probably only about 10 or 11.)
Also, I don’t really think of this experience as a traumatic one. I simply remember it as a scenario of “Boys will be boys.”
So, my first problem is not knowing if this actually happened.

Also, if this did actually happen, I wonder if it might have affected my adolescent sexuality. I remember having other similar relationships, minus the oral sex, with some friends closer to my age, but none of them ever being of the opposite gender.

I think the pseudo-homosexual relationships I had with my childhood friends may have lead to some of my teenage feelings of hate and contempt for the act of intercourse, especially in women. I had these feelings originally from about ages 14 through 16, but recently have been in a relationship for about a year and those feelings seem to have faded. (Well, at least for my girlfriend.)

I wouldn’t say I’m bisexual or even bicurious, but I can definitely admit to knowing whether or not a male is good-looking. I will even say that I have a personal preference.

I’m sorry for being so disorganized with my problems, but I think I’ve just now realized what I wanted to ask.
I have talked to my girlfriend about all of my aforementioned thoughts and memories, but seeing as she is not a psychologist, she could only slightly console me.

My main worry is this though: If my memories are not false ones, and I was molested as a child, is it likely that I lash out or overreact in some way and wind up ruining the relationship that I currently have?
This is probably my biggest fear.
I can honestly say I’ve never been happier in my life with my girlfriend and I want to do absolutely everything to make it last.

Thank you!

A: You are a very thoughtful and introspective person. I can tell that you are doing your best to protect a relationship with your girlfriend that is very special to you. I think I can be reassuring.

First: It’s not at all unusual for preadolescent boys to explore their emerging sexuality with each other. Often they participate in checking out each other’s genitals and seeing if they “work.” As for the incident with your brother: If it happened, it was certainly inappropriate. But inappropriate doesn’t necessarily equal traumatizing. You don’t remember being coerced or hurt. Apparently it didn’t continue. Another kid might have been psychologically distressed by this but people don’t all respond to events in the same way. You were able to let it go.

There’s no way for me to tell if it did or didn’t happen. All I can tell you is this: If it did occur, your brother - who was about 11 at the time - may have been doing that same preadolescent exploring you did later. You may have intuitively understood that which may be why it didn’t have a negative impact on you.

As for the period of being repulsed by the idea of intercourse when you were in your early teens: That too isn’t unusual. As much as young boys like to show off by talking about sex, often they are somewhat frightened by the idea. It’s easier to deal with being disgusted than with being afraid so they hide their fear behind contempt.

Now you are older and in your first important relationship. As you begin to have sexual feelings for this person you care about, old memories and thoughts get stirred up to the surface. Think of them as being like snapshots you’d forgotten and found underneath some papers in a drawer. You take a look and then put them aside. They happened when you were young and aren’t relevant any more.

I sincerely doubt that those early experiences are going to threaten your relationship with your girlfriend. The two of you have the kind of relationship where you can talk about highly personal issues and worries. She is supportive. You are caring. The two of you want the relationship to last and are willing to work on things together. This all sounds really positive. I think you can stop worrying about the past and just enjoy the present.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

When I call someone my friend, I really mean it and I would be there for them in a heartbeat. I always help my friends with any problems they have and listen to all of their concerns, likes, worries, wishes, I love getting to know them and feel very close to them and they often share their inner most thoughts with me. If I call someone my friend, it is for life.

I have noticed something however that may not be very healthy for me. I have lost some of these friends throughout the years and it truly hurts me a great deal. Because I love my friends, even when we are no longer friends, I think the world of them, I believe in them, and admire them. I also grow attached to them and when I have lost them, I feel very empty, sad, and lonely, as if I have lost part of myself. I almost set myself up by having very high expectations, and then always become disappointed when they don’t call or communicate or show the same interest that I have towards them to me. I get hurt when I hear something about them from someone else (as in they didn’t tell me something that I would have expected them to). For one friend that I lost in particular it took years for me to get over it. She was like a sister/aunt and I loved her so much and then after one argument she would no longer speak to me anymore. I remember being so distraught and so down over it. It was at that time that I developed thyroid issues and I am sure it had to do with the stress and grief that I experienced. I have somewhat moved on but can see my same attachment issues with others around me, I am afraid to lose close girl friends because of the emotional pain I experience.

Because of this dynamic, I feel that most of my relationships are unrequited. I feel that I am a friend to so many people, I know all sorts of things about them. I think about them often, I pray for them, I see things that they like and it reminds me of them, I always make an effort to call and say hello and that I miss them. However I don’t know anyone who feels that way about me. In other words I am a friend to so many, people always seek my advice and consolation. However no one has been able to do the same for me. Sometimes I feel like I am being used, but my need to give myself to others is almost like second nature.

Is there any way to get over this emotional dynamic? Can you see any explanation for it? I feel like it hurts me more than it helps me and leaves me a bit unsatisfied with the relationships that I create. I feel that I deserve love, attention, and kindness as I show that to others.

I should mention that I have a sister, but we are not close at all and are personality opposites. She was never there for me and we are somewhat distant now. My mom and I have a great relationship and I love her very much. My father and I don’t have much of a relationship and he is a very difficult person to get along with. Other than that I was hoping for some self help advice so that I stop crumbling when my friendships fail or don’t go as I see fit. I never show it outwardly, but on \inside I suffer a lot emotionally because of it. I find myself thinking of them or being reminded of them and I always end up crying again over the loss even after years have gone by. I miss and love these people who obviously don’t feel the same for me!

I hope you might have a word or two of advice. Thanks for listening and caring.

A. You are giving more than you are getting. You put a lot of time and effort into a relationship and in most cases, it seems like the effort is not matched. It is important that all relationships are balanced. This means that you should only give what the other person is giving. For instance, if your friend calls you, then you should call her the next time. If your friend asks you to go to the movies, then the next time you’re considering the movies you should ask her. If you’re going out to dinner and you ask your friend to go, then you should expect her to reciprocate your offer sometime in the future, and so on. It would be a mistake to continually ask your friends to go out to dinner when they never ask you. It would mean that you were putting more into the relationship than you were getting. It is psychologically unhealthy for you to continue this one-sided relationship dynamic. As I mentioned above, relationships require balance. This applies to both friendships and romantic relationships.

Something else to consider is that you may be choosing the wrong friends. You may be choosing individuals who do not have the same level of interest in friendship that you have. You may be misjudging people. You may think they’re more interested in the friendship than they are.

It’s also possible, as I have discussed above, that in the context of these relationships, you are over- giving your time and effort and this ultimately sabotages the relationship. At this time, you expect people to reciprocate, but they often don’t. The solution is to limit the time and effort you place into relationships. It’s important that you do this to protect yourself from the emotional distress that occurs when you lose a friend.

Please don’t misunderstand and think I’m saying that there is something inherently wrong with you. I’m saying that perhaps there is an issue with the way you interact with people and this dynamic negatively affects your relationships.

The general rule of thumb is to match the time and effort of the other individual in the relationship. If you’re not sure how to proceed and you need more guidance about how to behave in relationships, then consider therapy. The therapist could give you an objective opinion about how you’re interacting with people and guide you about how to change the relationship dynamic.

I think you would be an ideal candidate for therapy because you understand that there may be a problem with the way you interact with people and you’re open to changing it. You recognize that this ongoing dynamic hurts you and you want to change it. For these reasons, I believe therapy would be greatly beneficial for you. If you’d like to search for therapist in your community please search this directory.

Thank you for your question. Please consider writing back to letting me know how you’re doing. I look forward to your followup letter.

I want to runaway from my house cus my aunt is always beating me up for no reason.
current_problem: Ok ima tell you a little about me im 13 years old girl.when i was 6yo my parents past away and now im living with my aunt but since i was 7 she start to beat me up for no reason so now i cant hold it anymore and i wana run away with my boyfriend i love him so much he is 19 yo i meet him 1 year ago. he is a very nice guy and i know he love me too and he always had been there for me to support me because 1 month ago i got rape by this guy from my church and my boyfriend was going to kill him but the guy left the country. so i been thro alot things and the only thing i want to do is run away with my bf to mexico.

A: I’m so very sorry for all you have been through. It’s very sad that you lost your parents so young. It’s even sadder that your aunt mistreats you. No kid should be beaten - ever.

As hard as things are, running away with your boyfriend is a bad idea. Although your boyfriend may mean well, he is in a dangerous situation. He’s 19 and you are only 13. If the two of you are having sex, he is committing a crime. If you run away with him, he could be arrested for kidnapping. In most states, it doesn’t matter if you consent. The age difference still makes it against the law for him to be in a sexual relationship with you or to take you out of state. Furthermore, if he had injured or killed the guy who raped you, he would also be arrested. At 19, he should know better.

You need some outside help but I don’t think your boyfriend is the one to provide it. I encourage you to call the Florida Child Abuse Hotline: 800-962-8273 to report how your aunt is treating you. If things are really bad at home, they may help you find another place to live.

Instead of running away, you can call the Boys and Girls Town Hotline to get advice about how to make your life better. Call 800-448-3000 and talk to one of the counselors there. Caring counselors are available 24/7 for kids like you.

You made an important start by writing to us here at Psych Central. Now I hope you will take the next step and make those phone calls.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie