I’ve been dating my girlfriend for several months now. I only new her a few months before we started dating, but things progressed and here we are. She’s an absolutely amazing woman. She has everything I seek in a partner, except for her sexual past. I’d like to clarify that we are both 27 and both have been in relationships before.

My problem is not that she’s been with other people before me, but the actual number. I’ve always held myself to a certain standard when it comes to this, but being with her and knowing her sexual past has taken me outside of my comfort zone. Now, her sexual past is very similar to mine, but mine is slightly more promiscuous – I feel a bit of a hippocrit here, and I know it. I just can’t seem to get this out of my head because, like I said, I’m used to dating girls who haven’t been with many guys. For the record, she voluntarily gave me this information which I very much respect her for. She’s very comfortable with who she is.

She’s a very successful girl, with a great job and great family. Her parents were divorced when she was 7 or 8 due to her fathers alcohololsim. Dispite her parents divorce, she remained very close to her Dad – even her brothers and mom remain close to him.

Everything is absolutely great between us. She’s an extremely caring and loving person, and shows her love to me everyday. I’ve found lately, though, that I can’t get her history out of my head. We’ve had a discussion about it, and she was surprisingly very open to discuss, in general, her past. She was in a long relationship, six years, which was always off and on. She would date in between breakups. She would always find something wrong with the guy/or she didn’t see a future with him and break it off. She also told me she’s only had one one night stand. She dated before and after the six year break up. I know she lost her virginity at 17 which is quite normal. I guess I’m troubled that she could go through so many sexual partners, well more than I’m used to, and was in a relationship for so long. Her number was 16 before me. She knows my discomfort with this and that’s why I don’t bring it up.

I realize my thoughts are selfish, immature and insecure, but I absolutely can’t help it. I’ve always had an idea with what I’m comfortable with. I hate that I’m judging her by her past, but I can’t help it. I love her so much and I’m at the point in my life where I’m thinking about a future, and so is she for that matter. I’m worried her history will taunt me forever if I stay with her..and I just don’t want to be in a relationship like that. It’s not fair to her or me. My ultimate wish would not to think like this, to know she’s all mine because what she’s gone through has brought her to me (and likewise in my life situations to her), and that her life experience’s has molded her into the beautiful, confident and smart young woman she is. That’s what I want, but it’s not what I totally believe/understand.

My questions are
1.) How do I deal with this and accept her past so I can concentrate on just us?
2.) Why am I having these feelings/thoughts? Is it insecurity/immaturity/selfishness/passing judgement? If so, how wrong of me is? Is there a right or wrong here?
3.) Knowing myself, having a hard time letting go of things (stubbornmess), could this be something that inevitably haunts the relationship for as long as we’re together? Or is it just a speed bump that has come about because I care for her so much?

A: Thank you for writing. As you quite correctly pointed out, the problem lies not with your girlfriend but with you. At 27, you’re unlikely to find someone with as many strengths who hasn’t been with a number of partners (just as you have been). The twenties tend to be a time of finding out who you are and who you want to be with. Often that sorting means trying on different relationships, making mistakes, being hurt, and sometimes being the one who does the hurting.

Instead of maligning your own character (insecure, immature, selfish), it would be more helpful for you to look at what is keeping you from taking the next step in a relationship that is so promising. I suspect that you are unconsciously using the number of her past sexual partners as a reason to slow yourself down or to not commmit. If it were not this reason, it might well be something else. If you don’t figure out your side of this issue, you’re right to be concerned that it will continue to undermine your otherwise perfect relationship.

I can think of a couple of possibilities that may or may not be relevant since I don’t know enough about you.

Could it be that you are trying to level out the relationship is some way? Your girlfriend sounds exemplary. If you don’t feel that you are as mature and well-developed as she is, perhaps your concern about her past is a way for you to feel equal.

Could it be that you have a need to have the upper hand or to feel superior? If that is the case, it’s trouble. As you undoubtedly know, a partnership is most likely to survive and thrive when it’s based on equality.

I hope you will work on this – both for your sake and hers. You wrote a very honest and open letter and this relationship sounds so promising. If you can’t figure this all out with your girlfriend, you might find it useful to have a few sessions with a couples counselor. A counselor could help you get out of your own way. Take your email and this response with you to the first session to jumpstart the work.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I developed an emotional attachment to a man at my gym after he showed a lot of interest in me and I eventually decided to return the interest. We became extremely attached to each other, he was very intense emotionally. We did not get to know each other slowly, the emotions drove our relationship. Over the weeks and months, as I saw him more often at the gym and interacted with him I noted that he was not making any move to take our relationship furthur in spite of our growing attachment and that he seemed very emotional to me, kind of up and down. We looked for each other all the time and I was wondering when he would take the next step. When he didn’t I realized he must be married, which was a shocker to me as he became very attached to me and displayed intense emotions of all sorts. I could not handle the not going forward and the growing sense that he was partly toying with me. Sometimes he would get angry with me if I tried to pull away from him, other times he would get angry if I tried to get too close. His emotions and behaviour seemed genuine, but quite intense. He displayed changeable,sometimes strange facial expressions it seemed to me, at times. The times he would distance himself from me he would have a strange look in his eyes of what seemed to be hatred or loathing, as if I had done something wrong. It became a toxic dance & my self-esteem suffered. I broke contact and he was very angry and hurt the last time I saw him at the gym because he knew I was ending our contact for good. Hindsight tells me he was abusive to me emotionally & I deserved to be treated honestly & with respect. I have avoided him these past months while trying to recover emotionally, and will continue to avoid him. What is your advice on what I should do if I ever come face to face with him at the gym again? Ignore him and leave? I have done some research and think this man may have Borderline Personality Disorder. All his behaviours fit,the push/pull dynamic. On top of this I do believe he’s married! Do you think him seeing me may cause him great emotional distress? I myself have suffered emotionally and certainly do not want to run into him. Thanks for any tips.

A: You’ve done well to pull yourself out of an intense but inappropriate relationship. As you know, it doesn’t matter what diagnosis he might carry. Your entanglement with him was a mutually toxic dance. My advice? You live in a large city with a gym probably on almost every block. Join a different gym! Yes. I know. You shouldn’t have to give up a place where you’re comfortable because he’s there. But your letter indicates to me that you don’t trust yourself to remain neutral when you see him. Leaving the gym you like isn’t about letting him win. It’s about saving your own emotional life. Learn what you can from the experience and move out to move on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hello I am 13. Years old and I think I have depression. I have taken 7 tests for depression and they all say I do have depression. I am not comfortable talking to my family about this. I need to talk to some one I don’t know what to do. I am lost and confused. I have had thoughts about killing my self and it’s scaring me. I have no be to talk to that won’t freak out. I really need help ASAP I am confused of what I should do. Please help me I am sad and….and…. I just don’t know what to do.

A: You did a very courageous thing by taking the time to write us here. Now is the time to follow up on this courage. Tomorrow tell your favorite teacher at school, or the school counselor or school nurse exactly what you have told us. In fact, you can show them the letter. The fact that you don’t like how you’re feeling and want to feel better is a very healthy thing. What I can tell you is that depression can be helped and the people in your school are the ones to tell. They know the right things to do to get you feeling better.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My boyfriend and me have been together a little under 3 years. I am 18 and he is 19 (almost 20). Lately I’ve been living with him and his family. We decided this because we never saw each other due to our job schedule.

It was going really well, until recently. Now he won’t even talk to me. He’s joked that he is addicted to his electronics, but it doesn’t seem to be such a silly topic. Whenever he isn’t on the computer, he’s on his phone; if he’s not on his phone, he’s playing his Xbox. This I can deal with, except for the fact that it almost seems he’s using his technology to avoid communication. I feel very lonely and almost always on the verge of crying.

We used to talk about starting a life together (marriage, getting our own place, children eventually, etc.) but now that we basically live together; I guess I’ve been pushing the situation (a friend of mine, his age, just recently got engaged to a someone she’s been with a shorter time than my boyfriend & I) so maybe I feel compelled to push for marriage for that reason.

But now, if I bring it up, he ignores me. If I try to talk to him, he ignores me. If I try to have a conversation with him, he ignores me.

I feel like I need to move back in with my parents, because we were better when we weren’t always together. But I’m afraid he won’t even care, and I want him so badly to care.

I love him and I know he loves me, that much is clear. I just don’t know how to deal with this, or what to do. Is it time for space? Or what?

A: It is frustrating when our love for someone goes unrequited. But your words are powerful: “But now, if I bring it up, he ignores me. If I try to talk to him, he ignores me. If I try to have a conversation with him, he ignores me.”

If you can’t get his attention now I doubt that you will get his attention when you are married. Take his lack of attention as an indication of his commitment. If he wanted to be connected he would make more of an effort.

Yes, it is time for space. Give yourself a chance to be loved by someone who can be there for you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Hi, whenever i go to school, and walk through the hallways whether there are a ton of people or no one at all i feel like people can hear me breathing and then i start to feel like i cant breathe. My chest feels tight and i feel like im suffocating. Usually when this happens i have to take really deep breaths and im always afraid im breathing really loud and heavily. This happens randomly and suddenly, and very often. Am i having panic attacks and is there a way to make this go away?

A: It could well be that you are experiencing panic attacks. The challenge of panic attacks is that once a person has one, she or he often gets scared it will happen again. The fear that it might happen triggers another attack.

Fortunately, the answer to your next question is “yes.” There is a way to make them go away. A counselor can help you learn some techniques to get back in charge of your fear so that you don’t trigger attacks. Another resource for you is the book “Feeling Good” by David D. Burns.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’ve been depressed most of my life since I was a teenager. There were some times when I was happy but I always go back to being depressed. I have been to therapy three times.
Now I haven’t been feeling that depressed but I’ve been having a lot of anxiety so I started doing a workbook for anxiety and depression.
However, this book tries to find a connection between your problems and your childhood and when I was doing therapy they always asked about it as well.
But I had a great childhood, my parents were really nice and warm so I don’t understand why I have these psychological problems.
I feel like I have no right to have them because I haven’t had any major traumas and I didn’t have any problems with my family in my childhood.
It’s hard to talk to someone because I feel embarrassed to be depressed and anxious when I don’t have and didn’t have any real problems in my life.

A: Thank you very much for writing. It’s likely that the problem is not in your head but in your body. There are many medical conditions that can cause depression – a thyroid imbalance, a vitamin deficiency, anemia, malnutrition or an electrolyte imbalance, to name only a few. Please go to your medical doctor for a thorough physical exam. Be sure to share your symptoms of depression. Do not accept a referral to a mental health counselor until you’ve had tests to see if the problem has a physical cause. From what you wrote, the odds are that you have a treatable medical condition.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I need advice on what I should do about a guy that lives in another state. We are in a very complicated situation.
I am 16 years old and in a situation I can’t figure out to do. I moved to Indiana this year, my junior year in high school. Among the fact of moving away from all my friends, starting at a new school where after about a semester and a half I haven’t made any really good friends, but my mom made me move away from my boyfriend that I am still in love with. We broke up of course long distance relationships are hard. But I still love him and he says he still loves me and he wants me to move back when I graduate and I want to. But the thing is he has a new girlfriend, he wants me to move there and leave my life and family but he’s not willing to come move here to be with me a year sooner. I recently went and visited and we had a great time and I am ashamed but he cheated on his girlfriend, so should I even trust him? He says he’s just with her to have somebody to keep around until he can have me again. I know I’ve probably made him sound like a terrible person but he is really one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever know and I’m not just saying that because I love him. So I just need some advice on should I still talk to him and go for being him again, or just stop talking to him and try to start a new life?

A: Stop talking to him and try to start a new life. As difficult as it sounds your own insight about your options is the very thing that needs to happen. There are too many unknowns here to put too much, if any, emphasis in a relationship. Stay in touch, lament, and keep the relationship as fluid and flexible as possible, but move on. Your age is a strong factor in your resilience in coping with this loss, and your recovery. I think this will be both difficult and liberating. I encourage you to write us back and let us know how it is going.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

From Iran: My fiancé has lied to me about the most basic of things. She said she studied in the United States for her masters, and as a trusting soul I believed her. I never once asked questions regarding her past and the fact that she had studied in India before that made me think it quite probable. Then came where she lived, she said she lived in a middle class area and then I found out this was not the case, I am not a snob and do not care whether or not she and her family had money or not. But finding these things out I am starting to think she was a liar, when I questioned her about it she started crying and made me feel awful. Then she said she was 28, well me being 27 I believed her why not she doesn’t look old, then I found out she was 29, then the next day she came over and told me she was 32. At this point I have no idea what to believe and feeling why would she lie in such a way.

A: It sounds to me like your fiance doesn’t believe that she is good enough as she is. You may not be a snob but she sounds very insecure. None of her lies are harmful. She isn’t stealing or cheating or manipulating you to do things you would find shameful. She is making herself seem just a bit more educated, a little younger, and with a background that is a little more successful in order to be worthy of someone like you.

What she doesn’t seem to understand is that you love her just as she is and that these adjustments of her story make you question whether there are other, more serious things she isn’t telling you. Her efforts to make herself more acceptable to you are now doing just the opposite. She is chipping away at your trust in what she says.

If you love this woman, then compassion, not anger is the solution. Angry confrontations about her “lies” won’t solve the problem. What she needs instead is to be reassured that you love her just the way she is. I hope she has enough self-esteem to be able to take that in and accept your love.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I study communication engineering and I’ve failed in three subjects out of five so far what can I do? In addition I don’t know what to do or where can I start from. I feel that I can’t decide anything anymore.

A: The angst that you feel is likely to be a very important indicator. What was clearly missing from the letter you wrote was the fact that you don’t feel as if you’re not capable of college, but rather that these may not be the courses for you. Please read the link to Steve Jobs’s commencement speech to Stanford. What it reveals is that you need to find and do what you love and the rest will take care of itself.

Take courses in the things you find most exciting, fun and interesting. Explore things that appeal to you. Then figure out your direction. Being inspired should be the first rule of education. It sounds clear to me that you are not happy in the major you have chosen. Find what it is you love to do and go do it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

well, i know for a fact i have depression. my friend had it exactly how i have it and well vicodine helps a lot with that, but it does affect my life since i have no energy and no fun at all when i am depressed and happens for no reason. I have trouble with social interactions and dont get some jokes/norms. i see things as black or white and have super high expectations for people. I had almost no friends untill i started learning social engineering. i tend to “flip out” on people and i have little to no empathy, i dont feel bad when other people are sad i just cant stand it. oh and im super paranoid and lie a LOT. basicly, i have been reading a bit on it after being in psychology and want to know if i should get help

A: Of course you should see a professional. If you could have handled this by yourself, you would have done so already. Self-medicating is never a good idea. There’s no need to resign yourself to being lonely and unable to connect with people for the rest of your life. It can’t feel good to know yourself to be a chronic liar. Paranoia is frightening and exhausting.

I’m very glad you’ve been doing some reading and that you are taking yourself more seriously. Please do make a call to get an evaluation by a clinician. You deserve a better life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Being successful works against me because no one understands why I’m so insecure.
When it comes to school, work, finances, I feel like I have things together. Even though I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing I manage to keep things together on my own and be successful. However, when it comes to relationships, I feel handicapped. In the past 5 years I finally realized that I was physically abused, emotionally abused, neglected by my parents and I let this happen to me until the age of 21 when I finally moved out after my mom cornered me and beat me up for asking her to calm down. I always felt like I was walking in a fog, going through the motions, trying to be normal but not quite achieving it. It wasn’t until I was 24 and started to realize that I was gay that I started really connecting to my own reality and realized that I was abused. I feel like being successful works against me because everyone thinks I’m normal and such a pleasant person, but when I’m in relationships, my partners can’t handle me. They feel I’m too demanding, too needy, I make them anxious and make them want to pull away from me. They don’t understand how I’m so successful and yet so insecure. I feel so embarrassed because of this. This makes me hide my needs from everyone and avoid relationships because I think I’m defective and that no one could ever really handle me. I feel like no one sees me for who I am and only sees everything that I’m not. A couple of friends have told me to lighten up and enjoy relationships, but I can’t. I don’t want anyone to take advantage of me or to leave me, and I get scared and my heart pounds out of my chest if anything goes wrong. I was taken advantage of and emotionally abused in my first relationship, and I don’t want it to happen again. I’ve been to counselors but they seem to think I’m completely ok and that I just need to lighten up and change my thoughts. I’ve done cognitive behavioral therapy and it works well when I’m single, but in relationships it makes no difference. I feel like logic is out of the window and its a deeper issue than my thoughts. I’m so afraid someone will hurt me and I don’t trust anyone. I think I also have this need to please people, so sometimes in therapy I let the therapist take over and I feel worse after the session cause I didn’t get to really say what I wanted to. I don’t know if I’m just complaining over stupid little things and I do just need to lighten up but I’m writing because I want to know if either I’m making things too serious or if maybe I need a different kind of therapist. I started researching and I think I might have ptsd but I’m afraid to tell people that because they may think I’m over exaggerating my problems and self diagnosing which you aren’t supposed to do. I’d appreciate your feedback.

A: Thank you for sending in just a thought-provoking question. The issues that you are bringing to light should be brought to your therapist. The struggle for intimacy is great, and the resilience you have shown in moving toward understanding and cooping with these problems. I would elaborate with your therapist the particular struggle with trust and the history of your relationships if you haven’t done this already.

This will give you a chance to develop a bit more trust with the therapist. This is important because often the relationship we have in therapy mirrors the relationships that we long to develop. Being vulnerable, and being willing to discuss these issues is perhaps the most direct way of allowing yourself to change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I am currently in a program called Drug Court in VA. I have been in the program for almost 3 years. I have worked on very heavily the abandonment issues from my Father. I have come to a very comfortable point of acceptance, I feel like I know that if I dont put forth any effort, my Father will not either, and consequently our relationship will be non-existant, as it has for much of my life.

I have been asked to work more on this issue. I have been told I need to have concrete goals that I can show that I have achieved to move on from this program. I am MORE than ready to make this step to move on from Drug Court. What I am asking for, is assistance in concrete goals to work on my abandonment, resentment issues in relation to my Father.

I am seeing a counselor outside of drug court and she has me writing letters. One goal I had was to set a time each week to call my Father just to keep a connection. Drug Court felt like that was not good, and told me I need to work on new goals. I need help. Any suggestions on things I can do work on this that I can show in a concrete way?

A: Congratulations on all your good work. You’ve certainly taken your therapy seriously and done well.

It seems to me that your counselor and the Drug Court program need to get on the same page. It’s not helpful when helpers contradict each other. I suggest you ask your counselor to meet with you and whoever you are working with at Drug Court to set goals that all three of you feel are appropriate. Another option may be that you are ready for the Drug Court people to entrust you to your counselor.

The decision to terminate a program is often challenging. Good communication is the key. I’m glad you have a counselor to help you make the transition.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My brother and I had been very close as kids, grew apart as we grew up, but always on good terms. He had a rough life, especially mentally. A few years ago, he sent me a letter saying he had a rifle and talked about going out and hunting people. It was pretty scary – both the handwriting and the content. I had thought he was OK, but couldn’t tell if he was joking. My mother was in contact with him, so I sent the letter to her and asked for her advice. She called him and asked about it. I don’t know how that discussion went down, but he wrote me a blistering letter, accusing me of betrayal and writing me out of his life. Two months later, he shot himself with that rifle in a motel room. I’ve carried this terrible guilt ever since. I know he made that awful decision, but I feel like I played a significant role in it. After years I still don’t know how to handle it, and he haunts me daily.

A. When you love someone and something bad happens to them, you always wonder if you could have done more. Many people have feelings of guilt. The more serious the outcome for the loved one, the more guilt that is felt. Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty.

Being suicidal is a sign of a serious mental illness. Committing suicide is the ultimate act of self-destruction. Suicidal individuals are always admitted to hospitals. Most individuals with mental illnesses are not admitted to hospitals. Only those with the most serious of mental illnesses are admitted to hospitals. I mention this to put into perspective the severity of your brother’s mental illness. The vast majority of therapists work outside of a hospital environment. None of those therapists would consider attempting to help someone who was suicidal outside of a hospital environment. A highly educated, well credentialed therapist would not believe that his or her skilled words and insights would be enough to stop a suicidal client. Even with their extensive education and experience, therapists would not believe in their ability to prevent a client from committing suicide. All therapists would attempt to have their client admitted to a hospital.

For a layperson, the ability to help a suicidal friend or family member is almost non-existent. Yes, you love them more than anyone else, but what skill do you have as a therapist? You love them more than their therapist but you simply lack the education and training necessary to deal with their problem.

You would never think of performing surgery on a loved one, not because you don’t love them sufficiently but because you simply lack the ability and experience of a surgeon. It’s obvious to most people that without the skill and knowledge of a surgeon it would be foolish and perhaps deadly to perform surgery on someone you love.

Without the many years of education and experience, it would be just as foolish to attempt to do counseling with someone you love. I often tell my clients, who are experiencing the thoughts and feelings that you have right now, that it is far better to feel that perhaps you did not do enough than to know that your words and attempts to help a loved one actually resulted in their suicide. Yes, it is possible to make a mistake during surgery that will result in someone’s death — and it is equally possible to make a mistake in therapy that will result in someone’s suicide.

Every surgeon does his best and every therapist does likewise. I think it is best to realize our limitations. We have a limit as to our skills in any particular area. No matter how much we love someone and want to help them, our skill limits are not increased.

When I have a client ask me about a friend of theirs or family member who is having a mental problem and what they can do for them, I always tell them to encourage them to go into therapy. If you have read this column you have read many letters from readers who talk about the immense difficulty they are having trying to get a mother, father, son, etc., into therapy. My response to them is to acknowledge that often no amount of effort on their part is enough to achieve their desired result.

The question for you is did you do enough? My answer to you, is how much more of consequence could you have done? You did not ignore your brother. With concern you brought his letter to his mother, as you should have. The result was that your brother became enraged at you and then shut you out. I think this shows the complexity of the situation and your brother’s mental illness. Suicide and the mental state that leads to it are amazingly complex.

Please remember one last thing: Very skilled and competent therapists have close family members who have committed suicide. Even with all of their ability and skill, and the immense love they possess, it was not enough to change the outcome.

I hope that you will consider talking about this issue with a therapist or a support group. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

About 8mths ago, my husband woke one day and said he was hearing voice, he complained of headaches; he wasn’t sleeping and became very religious. He said my family had tried to poison him or something spiritual- he also was paranoid. He was very cold, almost like a different person. He was loosing weight- just said things that didn’t make sense. I believe he had a psychotic episode either suffering from psychosis or depression- he may even be bipolar. About a month after, I came home and some of his things were gone. And was the last time I seen him. He is ok now, living on his own and sounds very functional, except that he calls with private #s, and still talks about my family poisoning him which is not the case. He’s a very intelligent man and so stubborn. I know he would have to be Denzel Washington to pull off what happen to him, so I don’t believe he was faking. I’ve seem him in the club drinking and dancing as if nothing happened. He didn’t seek medical attention (counseling or medication)…is it possible to recover the way he is now, functional without medication or at any given time it could happen again?

Any information you can give would be appreciated.

A. It may be possible to recover from psychosis without treatment but that is the exception rather than the norm. Generally, untreated psychosis becomes worse over time. Individuals typically continue to experience symptoms until the psychosis is treated. He may seem “okay” right now but you may not be seeing the full picture. His unwillingness to seek treatment is concerning as is his drinking. Alcohol and other drug use can exacerbate psychosis.

Based on information that you have provided, I do not think he is well. He needs treatment. Psychosis does not generally improve on its own. In virtually all cases, treatment is necessary. Without such treatment, decompensation occurs.

This is a very challenging situation. He is an adult and as such it is difficult to force him into treatment, especially if he does not want it or does not think that it is needed. Unfortunately, in many states, the only time that you can force someone into treatment is when they are on the verge of seriously harming themselves or someone else.

My recommendation is to try to convince him to seek treatment. I understand that he may not be willing but it is worth a try. I would also recommend attempting to connect with other friends or family members who are concerned about his condition. He may be willing to attend treatment if several individuals share the opinion that he is not well.

Two websites may be of assistance to you: the Treatment Advocacy Center and the National Alliance On Mental Illness(NAMI). The Treatment Advocacy Center provides information about state civil commitment laws. Their website also provides information about how to handle psychiatric emergencies and when to call for help. NAMI may be a helpful resource because they provide educational information about mental health disorders as well as guidance about navigating the mental health system. NAMI has support groups for family members who have a loved one with a mental illness. Most communities throughout the United States have such support groups. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I just finished my first semester at a major university in New York City. I failed miserably and I know it was my fault. It was a mix of laziness, ADD and depression. I have been dealing with depression since I was 13 (18 now). I have never felt pretty, smart, or worth anything.
Everything has worsened after I got dismissed from college. I’m confused about what to do next. It is too late to register at a community college for Spring Semester and I at a standstill. I cry every night and I HATE myself so much. I dont know if I am ever going to be something in life .
I also have to write an appeal to my academic dismissal. I want to explain that I can do better if allowed to stay. Should I do it, what are the chances that the university would let me stay?
I really need help. I have hit rock bottom.

A: I don’t know if an appeal will get you back in. It’s always worth a try — IF that’s what you really think you should do. Sometimes people “fail” as a way to tell themselves that they aren’t really ready to do something. It’s too bad it’s termed a “failure” when it could be termed a realization.

It sounds to me like you have some serious personal work to do before you are ready to take on the challenges of a college education. Unless you do something about the depression and ADD, it’s not likely that another semester would go any differently. I think it’s Einstein who is quoted as saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

You didn’t mention if you have been getting treatment for your mental health issues. Sitting in your room isn’t going to change things. Hating yourself definitely isn’t going to make things better. It’s time to get busy doing the things that will make a difference. That means seeing a mental health professional for an evaluation and to discuss a treatment plan. You may need some medication to help ease the depression. You certainly need some talk therapy to learn how to manage the depression and to learn skills to compensate for the ADD.

It also means finding a job that gives you enough money to live but that leaves you with enough energy every day to spend time taking care of yourself. And it means seriously disciplining yourself to eat right, get some exercise every day, and to get enough sleep.

In short, rather than beating yourself up for what you didn’t do at university, put yourself fully into the school of life for awhile. Once you have the depression under control and have reliable ways to manage the ADD, you’ll be able to succeed in school and in life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie