I had a difficult childhood. My mom had six children I am the second to the oldest, which we all lived with my grandparents. My grandfather were physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive. I never could understand why my mom didn’t work harder or do something to take us out of that environment when I was younger. As I got older I kind of understood why. She worked so hard and every time she got paid my grandfather wanted her money which left her stuck in a position of never moving us out of that environment. My mom were sexually abused by my grandfather at the age of 5. She had 4 siblings which he sexually abused all at a young age, even the boys until they were grown. That effected my mom mentally and emotionally.

Coming up as a child my mom were involved with many men, most were a lots older than her. My siblings and I really don’t know who our fathers may be, she told us but none of the fathers were involved in our life.I can’t remember being penetrated by my grandfather unless it have erased itself from my memories but I do remember my private areas being touched. I grew up watching my mom perform sexual acts with men until I were 10 yrs old.

I grew up poor, some days no food, no clean clothes, or no bath. I remember my mom stealing food in order for us to have something to eat. When I was 12 I started stealing food so my younger sibling wouldn’t be hungry. Due to being poor, children at school teased and hit me daily at school. I never wanted to be notice by kids or teachers so they wouldn’t hurt me in any kind way. I never talked or played with anyone, I just stayed to myself at school hiding in some corner. I felt sick every day knowing I had to go to school and felt sick every day knowing I had to go home.

The man who supposed to be the father to me and my oldest sister told us he didn’t want to have anything to do with us so stop calling him because his wife don’t want him to have anything to do with us. That hurted so bad, all I wanted him to do was to take me to McDonalds. Every weekend I waited for him to change his mind about us and show up to take us to McDonalds.

I never had a man to love me. Because of that as an adult, I constantly let this guy for 8 yrs and counting do me wrong and I settle for whatever he puts me through. All I want is for him to love me, I can’t seem to understand why a man can’t love me.

I have two wonderful children whom I love dearly. I try to be happy for them but inside I am miserable. I feel stuck and life is passing me by. I am very much overweigh and feels that no other man will ever want me. I am terrified to go in front of other people because I know they may talk about me. I feel so clueless and dumb to a lots of things and situations. I am well educated but no job. I panics everytime I go on an interview or maybe they don’t chose me because of my weigh. I don’t know what I can do to make my life happier for a change.

A: What a hard, hard way to grow up. Now that you are a parent, I think you understand why your mother couldn’t leave her parents’ house. She had nowhere to go. From her point of view, some home was better than none. As an abused person herself, she didn’t feel good enough about herself to think that she deserved better. Like you, she wanted to be loved. Like you, she settled for whatever “love” she could get rather than have nothing that looked like love in her life. I suspect she had so many children because babies do give us unconditional love. What a sad, sad life she had.

Fortunately, things are different since the time when you were growing up. For the last 30 years, therapists have been figuring out how to help people heal from an abusive childhood so that they can take charge of their own lives. Your past does not have to determine what you present and future will be.

You can recover and give yourself and your kids a better life. Locate a therapist who specializes in adults who have been abused as children and do the therapeutic work you need to do. Your doctor can help you find one or you can make some phone calls yourself. You deserve to become the emotionally healthy and loving person you are meant to be. Your children deserve to have a mom who takes care of her own emotional business so that she can really be there for them when they need her.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am 19 and recently i was pregnant… my boyfriend changed his mind a few days after we found out and he wanted me to end it so we split up… i got into a ‘relationship’ with one of my closest friends called helen then she dumped me because she said she wasn’t attracted to women but just wanted to make me feel better. then something went wrong and i wasn’t pregnant any more.

My problem is that i hate myself, i know that what happened was my fault in some way and i just want to curl up into a ball and cry until i die, i have very few friends i am quite fit because i used to do alot of running but now i don’t run any more, i hate everyone who talks to me apart from my brother who i live with, and in my job that’s really not a good thing and if i lose that i have no idea what i’ll do, i have enough money problems as it is.

I have no idea what i should do, what i want to do is just end it but something is stopping me and I don’t know what.

A. I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. You need support. It would be helpful if you had a support system that you could go to when feeling upset. Your brother’s support most likely helps a great deal but the more help you have the better you may feel. Have you considered counseling or a support group? I would recommend both.

I also noticed that you are blaming yourself for no longer being pregnant. I am not certain why you believe it is your fault. There are many possible explanations for what may have happened. There could have been a medical explanation. That is generally the case with miscarriages.

I would highly recommend seeing a physician (preferably an OB/GYN) to discuss what may have happened with the pregnancy. It would also be wise to have a medical evaluation. That would be especially prudent if you plan on attempting to become pregnant in the future.

You mentioned that you wanted to “end it” but something is stopping you. I am not certain what that “something” is but whatever it is, it needs to be reinforced and built upon. Perhaps it is resiliency. Perhaps it is your will to live. Perhaps you know that your life can improve.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to surround yourself with a strong support system. It can make all of the difference; research shows that to be true for many people. A support system could come in the form of gaining new friends, joining a support group, meeting with a mental health professional, among other ways. Psychology Today is a helpful website where you can find a list of therapists in your community. I hope you’re able to find support. Thank you for your question.

I think that I may have depression and/or skitzophrenia. I am lonely all the time and I feel like no one really cares about me. I get upset really easily and tend to overreact. I am friends with a lot of people but am not really close to any one person. I hardly ever get invited to any social events like sweet 16s because even though I am friends with a lot of people, no one really likes to include me like that. My friends often talk about their plans infront of me without including me. This really puts a damper on my self-esteem. I don’t understand why they never want to include me. Maybe it is because of my mood swings. I’m known for getting real angry, real fast. I think about killing myself sometimes, but I think about how it would hurt my dad. He would be all alone (my mom cheated on him with a close family friend a year and a half ago) and my brother is in college…I got skin cancer on my foot in the same year that my mom cheated on my dad. It was a bad year for me. Sometimes I think my friends forget how hard my life is. They all talk about their petty problems and it gets on my nerves. I often change myself for the group of people I am around. I curse more and talk louder with one group, act more mellow with another, and just plain crazy with the other. I don’t like dissapointing people. I actually FEAR disapointing my familly. I have lost interest in one of my previously favorite sports, softball and have noticed a steep decline in my school work. I lie to my teachers like a professional, making up excuses for missed work. I feel that (compared to my friends) I am the fattest and uggliest of the bunch. I also feel that even though I do favors for everybody else, no one seems to want to reciprocate. I’m always tired and watch TV like my life depends on it. I sometimes think about running away and just doing all the things that I want to do, not what society wants to do. But I would never be able to support myself, so I just go with the flow. Basically, I feel like I’m a lost puppy who just doesn’t belong anywhere and that no one cares about me. Because I change so much for other poeple, I don’t know who I am anymore.

A. I cannot know with certainty but I do not believe you have schizophrenia. Perhaps you have an adjustment disorder. An adjustment disorder is a strong reaction to life stressors. Your current life stressors include problems with school, peers, and family issues. You may also be experiencing depression. As you have noted, some of the activities that you were once interested in no longer bring you pleasure.

It is important to keep in mind that I cannot officially diagnose you over the Internet. These are my impressions based on a short letter and they should not take the place of an in-person mental health evaluation.

You need guidance. It does not seem that you have anyone you could go to for advice. What about your parents? Can you speak to them about how you are feeling? Would they be able to advise you regarding your relationship problems with peers? If not your parents, then what about a school counselor? The school counselor may be able to teach you a better way of interacting with your peers.

When you report that you “go along with the flow” and “change for other people” it tells me that you may be experiencing problems with self-esteem. Individuals will engage in that type of behavior usually because they desperately want to be liked. They think that if they do what their friends want them to do, they will like them. As you are learning, that strategy doesn’t work. What usually happens is that your peers will take advantage of you. By learning better social interaction skills and ways to improve your self-esteem you can change the response you get from your peers. Those skills can be learned in therapy. That is why you should consider seeing a school counselor. If a school counselor is not available to you then you may want to ask your parents about seeing a mental health professional.

The good news is that the problems you are experiencing are relatively common and can be dealt with in a counseling setting. Please consider the school counselor and talking to your parents. They may have good advice for you about how to better handle peer situations and your parents may also be willing to send you to a therapist. I hope I have answered your questions and given you hope and assurance. Thank you for your question. I wish you well.

I get these episodes.. different things trigger them, sometimes I don’t know what will but certain things do it every time. For example, when my friends or boyfriend smoke weed. They know I don’t do it, and when I notice they did it, I get withdrawn. My gaze gets blurry and I can’t stop focusing on whatever it is that bothered me. I stop talking, I just want to curl up and go to bed, or its like I’m waiting for an apology even though no one knows what they did wrong. The feelings come easier and more frequently as the day goes on, I feel the best right when I wake up in the morning. I want help because my boyfriend’s getting really frustrated, he says I sulk all the time and I know he shouldn’t have to try to appease me all the time. I’ve also been crying a lot and I never usually cry, and I get a helpless feeling because these episodes follow the same path each time so as soon as I feel it starting I know I can’t stop it and I wish I could. I don’t know if its depression or stress or some type of personality disorder but I want to know how to deal with it, because telling myself, “I won’t get upset anymore” isn’t working. Thank you.

A: Thank you for writing. It must be scarey to feel out of control of your own emotions. I don’t think this is a personality disorder and I don’t think it’s stress. From what I can glean from your letter, I think you are maybe in a crisis of values.

Your friends and boyfriend are doing things that you don’t really approve of. You don’t like what they’re doing but you don’t want to lose the relationships. You’re upset because it’s a very upsetting situation. The “solution” your emotional self has come up with is that you can stay in these relationships but you can’t be comfortable.

At some point, you aren’t going to be able to stand it anymore. If you haven’t created a new set of friends, you are likely to feel alone, friendless, and depressed. The alternative is to find people who share your values and who do healthier things than just hang out and smoke weed. I strongly suggest that you get involved in volunteer work or an activity that attracts people more like you. People are generally most comfortable meeting new people when they are doing something they all enjoy together.

Your internal system is telling you that your current situation isn’t good for you. I hope you will listen to what you are telling yourself. It’s good sense.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Q. I think I have OCD. I think there’s something wrong with me, and I think it’s OCD. When I was in the 3rd grade, our family went to Costa Rica for a vacation, but my sister got deathly ill from bad drinking water and threw up a lot. For the remainder of the trip, the throwing up never bothered me but as soon as I got home, I realized I was having panic attacks and had an extreme fear of throwing up. It was so bad that I would refuse to eat anything because I thought if I became sick while I had food in my stomach, then I would throw up. But I always had a sick feeling in my stomach because of fear. My parents thought I was anorexic, but I knew it was something else. I was just too afraid to tell them my thoughts because they would think I’m crazy. I think then to deal with the fear then I made little rituals and rules for myself like, I couldn’t look at certain colors, and I was obsessed with looking at the number 5. these things helped with the fear, but I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head as hard as I try. now that I’m 15, It’s really affecting my school because I can’t concentrate. And I don’t have any fear about throwing up anymore though, I have new fears about natural disasters and atomic bombs. My new fears are things that cant be controlled by me and it really scares me. I tried telling my parents, but they say that OCD is a physical disease which people check things a certain amount of times. so I’m not sure. But whatever it is is controlling my life! please help!!

A. I am glad that you wrote. While I cannot officially diagnose an individual over the Internet I believe that the symptoms you have described are characteristic of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). I have listed the specific symptoms below.

• Cannot look at certain colors

• Obsessed with the number five
• Having obsessive thoughts to the point where they were negatively affecting your school work
• Your new fears associated with natural disasters and atomic bombs

You may have a mild form of the disorder. The trigger for the illness may have originated in third grade when your sister became ill from drinking tainted water. That incident may have caused your problems.

Please keep in mind that I cannot know with certainty if you have OCD. It would be best to attend an in-person evaluation with a mental health professional. He or she could review your symptoms in more depth and then determine if you have OCD. Please speak to your parents about this. If you are able to get help soon then you may be able to stop the symptoms from progressing.

The next step for you is to speak to your parents again. Let them know about the letter you have written. You could also show them my response. The purpose of speaking to your parents is to let them know that treatment is warranted and that you may have OCD. It’s also important to inform your parents that OCD is a very treatable illness and that the sooner it is treated the better. OCD can be a progressive disorder; the longer that one avoids treatment the longer it may take to treat the disorder.

Many people are helped with psychotherapy and some utilize medication. Some use a combination of psychotherapy and medication. Cognitive behavioral therapy has been found to be very effective for OCD. For specific types of OCD, behavioral treatment or hypnosis is recommended.

I hope you’re able to speak to your parents and get the help you need. Keep in mind that you are doing a very brave thing by proactively trying to treat a possible illness. You may find that with treatment, you can be cured. Please consider writing back to let me know how you’re doing. Thank you for your question.

I wanted to ask you this because it is starting to get really bad and out of hand…
When i think of something bad etc,Something sad,Stressfull,embaressing or something i do not like,I tend to hurt myself,Like biting my self or hitting my self at the minute i am punching myself hard in the face to make those things in my mind go away if its something really bad i might Cut myself. This happens everyday.

Just today i thought of something i wished never happened (Which didn’t) and punched myself hard in the side of my head to make it go away and then i thought of it again punching myself once again. Is this bad? It is starting to become really annoying and painfull but i cannot stop it.

Please help :(

A: Yes, this is bad. You have somehow learned that the way to cope with emotional pain is to hurt yourself physically. The trouble with the strategy is that it works. When a person is in physical pain, the body releases endorphins, a natural substance in the body that helps people feel a little better when they are hurt. Yes, it works. But no, it’s not a good thing. As you are already finding, you could do yourself serious damage.

I’m so glad that you wrote now — before this gets entirely out of hand. You need to see a counselor or therapist who can teach you other ways to feel better when you are sad, stressed, or uncomfortable. There are many, many other ways to cope with feelings besides doing yourself real physical harm.Your body doesn’t deserve to be mistreated by you. Your mind needs a few lessons to help you stop it.

You are smart and insightful. Some sessions with an experienced therapist will help you learn the strategies you need. You, not your emotions, need to be in charge of your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I met someone online 1.5 months ago. I blew him off for a week after our first conversation and apologized. I let him know I was talking to other people but nothing serious so I wanted to get to know him better. We met 3 weeks ago.

He has a foot fetish (which scared me at first), says that he likes constant reassurance and is a dominant personality (which I don’t mind). He wanted me to be exclusive with him and I finally told him that I would do that but only if I have his word that he is serious about me and not playing games and that he reciprocate. He mentioned that women tend to fall all over him and that he ends up having to block their numbers. We both hid our online profiles at the same time to focus on each other but he never believed that I stopped talking to people on more than a friend level. He left me a voicemail once saying that I wont stop until I lose it all and to not ask what that means because I already know. He says that he is the kind of man that will make me think???

We met, hit it off, kissed and had a great time. We had plans to meet last Saturday and I stayed up making him choco covered pretzels and strawberries as a suprise.

He lives 2 hours away, I told him that wasn’t excited about driving so far to see him. I have a temporary roommate, so it wouldn’t be convenient for him to come to me. He is more of a homebody and thinks that I want him to entertain me. I also let him know that I was thinking of moving and fed up with my job.

We were supposed to meet last Saturday. We talk that previous Sunday and he told me how much he enjoyed our conversations and time spent together and I replied similarly. I called him on Monday to see if he’d be interested in meeting half way. I didn’t hear back from him until 12 am on Tuesday night/ Wednesday morning when he left me a message mocking me asking if I wanted to meet him half way?!! We talked on Thursday night he said he felt uneasy about planning our date and that he’d call on Friday to confirm what we’d do. During our conversation, he asked when I have my period (so he could track it and understand if I was acting moody). He wants me to open up.

He never called on Friday and I left him a message asking if he was still interested and to let me know if not, but he had been showing all the signs of being interest but was a lil distant last week.

I hear back Saturday morning when he said we should just be friends, that I need someone more active, closer (distance) and that he’s thinking of moving and its not fair to put me thru that.

I cried because it caught me so off guard that he was dumping me and told him that I want to continue the relationship. He said he’d think about it and call in a few hours. He never called back so I called him 5 hours later… He blocked my # from calling his phone and his page was back online???? (WTF happened).

I called him on Sunday (from a blocked #), he was really cold saying he had to go and what do I want. I told him that we didn’t have any major issues causing him to back away like this and to give me another chance to show him the real me, no games, no other men, etc. He agreed and said he had somewhere to be so he’d call back later. Before he hung up, he said he felt like I was playing 2 many games, not exclusive with him and that he had some things going on personally BUT that he was willing to give us another try, he wanted to see me this coming weekend, would pay for my gas to drive to him, that he would look into getting a webcam so we can chat and see each other, and that he would call later to discuss it more.

I haven’t heard from him since. I called him on Tuesday (my # is still blocked) and I sent him flowers (cost 50 bucks) on Tuesday. He got the flowers but still hasn’t called to even acknowledge them or to talk like he said he would.

What’s up with this guy? Head games? Not interested? Why would he say that he’d give it another go and elaborate so much just to blow me off again? He showed no signs of being uninterested until I left the message asking if he was still into me. Will he call? Completely not interested or does he just enjoy seeing me squirm and will call when i finally back off? Please help! I can’t take this anymore. It’s too stressful. I will let it go, but I hate unanswered questions

A: Although you’ve been talking online for a month and a half, you only met each other 3 weeks ago. It’s far too soon to be so intense. From where I sit, both of you are making unreasonable demands on each other. It’s not reasonable for him to want an “exclusive” relationship with someone he barely knows. It’s not reasonable for you to be in such hot pursuit. He seems a bit full of himself from what he has told you about himself. Your behaviour makes you look too needy. There’s entirely too much drama going on for this relationship to unfold in a way that will be satisfying to you both.

My suggestion is that you back way, way off. The way relationships begin is often the way they continue. You are already feeling jerked around. My guess is that you can only look forward to more of the same.

Meanwhile, your self-esteem could use a boost. I hope there are things about your life that you enjoy and are proud of. When you are feeling stronger, find a way to meet men with similar interests. Let a relationship evolve from shared activities and a growing friendship. You’ll end up with a much more satisfying and mutual relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My mother is seeing a therapist and told me at the beginning that the therapist suggested I come to sessions with her in order to help better our relationship. I haven’t gone yet and over the holidays we had a falling out over a small issue which she has blown out of proportion. Now she tells me she takes all my emails (we email back and forth) to the therapist and tells me he says all these neagtive things about me. I asked her if we could go see him together and now she says he thinks we shouldn’t.

I called him myself and asked him if I could consult with him on my own and he said yes. Later after meeting with her again, he called me and told me “his bosses” told him it wouldn’t be a good idea to see me because of “his entanglement with my mother”. This all sounds like b-s to me, but I don’t know if this is normal or not. What are your thoughts? I want to have a good relationship with my mother but she is all about control and seems to be manipulating everything and everyone in a way that opposes a good relationship. She wants everything on her terms or nothing. What can I do? And what’s going on with this “therapist”?

A: I’m sure this is very, very frustrating. The fact is that your mother is an adult and, as such, she has the right to confidentiality with her therapist. Sadly, you can’t know if what she is telling you about her therapist’s opinions are the truth or if she is shoring up her own angry ideas by attributing them to her therapist.

It would not be unusual for a supervisor to tell a therapist to stay out of a family argument while he tries to help his patient sort through her own issues. Think of it this way: If he comes down on your side in the argument (or if your mother even interprets it that he is doing so), he’s lost your mother’s trust and has no way to help her. Before you conclude that the therapist is being inappropriate, I suggest you give it a little time. See whether your mother starts shifting in her behavior and thinking.

Meanwhile, you could either voicemail or send the therapist a note saying that you understand the rules of confidentiality so you won’t push for a meeting. You could also say that you hope he understands that you very much want a relationship with your mother and that part of her illness seems to be a need to present herself as a victim. Let him know that you are open to a family meeting when he thinks your mom is ready.

Then, I’m afraid, all you can do is be patient. The good sign is that your mother is going to see a therapist at all. On some level she knows she needs help. Hopefully, the work in therapy is going to pay off and you’ll finally have the relationship with her you’d like to have.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Was recently hospitalized with pneumonia. Was in hosp. for a week and docs wanted to keep me longer because my white count started going up. I felt sicker being there because of my anxiety/panic attacks and just wanted to go home. Felt if I was home I’d get better. After pleading, I was discharged and white count went down to normal.

Had a hard time explaining to hosp. docs my anxiety. Are doctors and nurses required to take some classes in psychiatry to at least be aware these problems exist?

How can I better communicate my concerns to hospital doc?

A. All medical doctors and nurses have had courses in psychology but this is not their specialty. That may explain why doctors and other medical professionals consider a medical explanation before a psychiatric explanation.

You asked about how you can better communicate your concerns to your hospital doctor. You can do this in several ways. These include:

• Informing your doctor about your psychiatric history.

• Explaining to your doctor your specific history with panic and anxiety.
• Writing your doctor a detailed letter about your history.
• Encouraging communication between your hospital doctor and your psychiatrist or attending mental health professional.
• Asking your doctor to read your psychiatric history. He or she could review your chart or psychiatric evaluations. You may have to sign a special form to give him permission to access your personal, psychiatric history.
• Have a nurse, social worker or family member speak to your doctor on your behalf.

Any of those aforementioned methods may help your doctor become more knowledgeable about your panic and anxiety. I hope I have answered your question. Thanks for writing.

So for years I have been avoiding thinking about this but recently I’ve been getting flashbacks. When I was around 7 i remember I used to lie on my parents bed and my dad would scratch my back. As soon as my mom left the room he would lie me on top of him and his hands would slide down to my buttocks. He would squeeze and rub his hands on them and i could feel his “parts” rubbing against my stomach. As soon as we heard my mom come around the corner he’d quickly lie me down on the bed and scratch my back again. I always thought it was weird but never thought anything about it until i was like 10 or 11 when I realized what he was doing. I quickly started to distance myself from him and to this day I don’t like him hugging me or even touching me. Would you consider what he did abuse or even molestation even if he didnt touch my front area? Also I’ve never told anyone about this but I’ve been wanting to tell my brother, should I?

A. It is never okay for an adult to be sexual with a child. The definition of molestation is relative because people use it to mean different things. Some people consider molestation to mean sex. Others define it as inappropriate touching or unwanted sexual advances.

Your father may have touched you in a sexual way. If he did it was wrong and inappropriate. It may constitute sexual abuse.

You recognize that you and he have a strained relationship. Your memories may explain why you feel uncomfortable around him. The problem is that you may never know the full truth.

Should you tell your brother? The answer is “it depends.”

What is the motivation behind telling your brother? How might he react? Would it anger him? Those are questions to consider, among others. If you and he are close and you feel this knowledge would benefit him in some way, then you may want to tell him. If you believe it will cause problems or be confusing, then you may not want to reveal it to him. It is difficult to give you a specific answer because I am not familiar with the family dynamics or the nature of the relationship between you and your brother.

If there are children in the family, for instance if your brother has children, then this situation should be discussed. It should begin with your talking to your father. After that if you are not satisfied with the results of the discussion, you should tell your brother.

If this is an issue that is bothering you then you may want to consult a therapist. You can give him or her more details and he or she may be able to give you a more specific answer. I am sorry that I could not give you a definitive answer but there are many variables to consider regarding whether or not you should reveal your memories to your brother.

Here is link that may help you find a therapist in your community. Thanks for your question.

Okay, first off, thank you for answering this question if you do.
I’d say I had depression since the end of sixth grade. I’m in eigth grade now. And not depression like the way the kids at school think. I have acutal depression. I’ve taken all the tests and there are so many signs.

At this moment, I have no friends. None. And it makes me so sad because this is my last year with this class. I don’t want to spend it everyday in a corner secretly crying while everybody is having fun. One of my closest friends has become something that she swore she’d never be. I understand people change but she has become so sexual it’s disturbing. And I cannot stand how now the whole class has fallen in love with her because of this. She was my friend first. Everybody has taken her away from me and she has taken everybody away from me.

Then there’s this kid in my class that no matter what I do, it’s wrong. He’s always talking about me and pointing out all my faults. Even when I don’t do anything it’s wrong. All the kids in my class have spoken about me so many times behind my back. I don’t do anything wrong to them at all. I try so hard to make myself feel comfortable around them for my own benefit but I know they really hate me.

The kid that verbally abuses me is friends with everybody. The people that I just talk to (not friends because I don’t have any) say that I’m just making things up. Everybody thinks I’m always doing things so they can feel sorry for me. The last thing in my lfe right now is pity.

For two-three months, I have cried everyday since school started. The first day of school, there was already a remark about me. I don’t know what to do. Everything just keeps builidind up inside since I have no one to talk to. It almost feels like my heart is heavy, and I’m not using it as a figure of speech. When I breathe, it’s so hard for me.

I’m tired of this feeling. Nobody understands me. I can’t talk to anybody because there’s no one to talk to. Please help me.
Thank you.

A: I’m so, so sorry to hear that you are having so much difficulty with the social scene at school. I don’t know why you have become the scapegoat among the people you wish were your friends. Sadly, this happens to kids in a lot of schools. A few kids get isolated and picked on by the others – often for mysterious reasons. One theory is that the bullies (and that’s what they are) don’t feel very good about themselves so they need to feel at least better than someone else. Other people join in the bullying because they are afraid they’ll be the person who is picked on next. From their point of view, it’s better to join with the bullies than to be one of the people who is a target.

You are being bullied. The first thing you need to do is confide in your parents or in some trusted adult at school. This kind of environment isn’t healthy for anyone. I realize it’s tricky. I realize that if the other kids know you talked to adults about them, it could be worse for you. The adults need to address the larger problem of bullying at school without singling you out.

Then, you need to find a better class of friend. As popular as the group may appear to be, it sounds like they aren’t mature enough to stand up for what is right and to be true friends. Give up on them, at least for now. Hopefully, when they get a little older and more mature they will figure out what friendship really means.

In the meantime, it’s time for you to take charge of your life and find people who have something in common with you. Classmates are only that – classmates. You were thrown into the same class just because you are about the same age and live in the same school district. Those two factors are not enough to guarantee similar values or interests.

You live in one of the most diverse and interesting cities in the world. There are all kinds of activities and studios and volunteer opportunities within a subway ride. Turn your focus away from in-school time to the hours you have after school and on weekends. Explore your talents and your passions. Do you love to dance? Would you like to learn something like Aikido? How about exploring art or music or theatre? Your parents might be willing to help you get some lessons. Explore what is available at your local Y as well. Often there are free or low cost programs. Arts aren’t your thing? Then how about doing some volunteer work? Ask your guidance counselor at school where there might be opportunities that would let you both make a little difference in the world and meet other kids your age.

The point is: The teens who make it through adolescence with the best mental health are often those who find a “second home” away from home and school. The dance or art studio, the youth group, a volunteer project, etc. provide that when school can’t.

You’re right. Crying in the corner will ruin your life. It’s time to get out of the corner and get active. Do what you can to help yourself. If you’re still having trouble, talk to a counselor to help you recover from a miserable first semester so you can make changes in this one.

One more thing: If you need someone to talk to while you’re working to turn things around for yourself, you can call the folks at the Boys and Girls Town Hotline, 800-448-3000. There are folks there 24/7 who can give you some support and advice.

You made an important start by writing us here at Psych Central. I hope you will take the next steps. You’re worth it!

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I was diagnosed bipolar nos for some time. At 22 in 2006 things were not well with me in a way I could not put my finger on. I thought it was a medical issue. I would go numb, lose the ability to speak, lose the ability to see, have what appeared to everyone around me to be seizures. Tests showed nothing. I grew increasingly agitated and disconnected. I was in college and would swear it was a different day than it actually was, I saw blobs of colors, colored halo’s, the walls would move. People’s heads were gone replaced with colored lights. I couldn’t follow conversations I felt like I was permanently incredibly stoned. I had a conversation with someone for a good few minutes and then before my very eyes she changed into an entirely different person and I realized the person I was originally talking to had never even been there. The whole room moved. I retreated to the women’s center on campus. Pacing horrified agitated confused and someone touched my shoulder it felt like the intensity of a car crash I jumped ready to attack what touched me. I ended up calling emergency as I could not take this and wanted to commit suicide. I wound up in the hospital. Had a status exam and was hospitalized for mania and psychosis.

My diagnosis was changed to Bipolar 1 with psychotic features.

These symptoms had been building up for the duration of the last semester of school. I got out of the hospital, graduated, and moved in with a friend. There was a time shortly after that I became convinced that the only reason he had let me stay with him was that he had taken out an insurance policy on my life and was planning to kill me for the money. I scoured his computer his house opened his mail looking for “evidence” to prove this. I of course found nothing but the more I searched I only became more convinced that he was. Around this time I also sat and watched the television talk TO me about me once. This lasted for months.

Since college I have not worked have barely left the house. I feel “stupider”. I feel as though I can not think like I used to. I recently had another assessment and he took bipolar off the table and diagnosed no psychotic illness. I do not agree.

Recently I have become obsessed with the idea that I have some form of disease and will die of it I just have not found out what. I have also not been able to shake the idea that I am infested with intestinal parasites, worms. I believe this more or less strongly at different times but I have not been able to shake the idea entirely. And I feel it is pointless to test for it because they will find nothing, they never find anything, and when they don’t find it I will not change my mind. I will just know they didn’t do the right tests. I just “know” these things and can not shake them even though on some level I have insight as to the potential absurdity. I feel that others are against me. No one in particular, usually, unless something sets me off then I am excruciatingly paranoid and watchful of those individuals. But in general I feel as others talk about me behind my back are “out to get me” This feeling lessens sometimes but is always there. I feel constant threat.

I still see things now and then. Things changing sizes or perspective. People looking like they are importers… slightly off versions of who they are that are not really them. Mostly just smoke here or there or shadows the size and shape of little animals running along the floor out of the corner of my eye. I do not know if what I think is real or not and I cant get a hold of my thoughts. Rather than excessive my head seems vacant. I hear noises. I think. I don’t know. Sometimes I think I do other times I tell myself it is the neighbors or something out in the street. I hear laughter sometimes. Or things that I have recently heard on the tv or elsewhere echo inside my head and fade out. Nothing is ever directed at me or at anything in particular. And I can not make out what the noises words are half the time. But I listen intensely and ask them to speak up. I ask them, of course with my conscious voice not out loud because I don’t know if they are real noises or not and I don’t want others to know I’m hearing things. I don’t even know if I am. I do not hear it outside my head it is inside. Usually off to the sides as if I had an ear-bud in my ear and was playing a radio station that is in between stations very quietly and intermittently. I beg them to speak up or shut up so that I know for sure if I am hearing real noise or voices. I don’t want to ask for help until I know if it’s real or not. Sometimes the thought has occurred to me that perhaps they are noises in my head but that they are psychic. But I try not to think that way because that is how I got stuck on these other ideas like the parasites. Instead I just wait and listen. They are noises sometimes words that I don’t know if they are in my head or real. They are all sorts of different voices mostly female sometimes male. I don’t know if I should be concerned about these things and speak up about them or not.

I am kind of afraid that I may be developing schizophrenia of some form or another. As I know it can be an intermittent illness my first psychotic episode was at 22. Since I have felt no motivation for life or goals or old hobbies and joys I sit all day most of the time. Clean the house and sit. And I feel less intelligent. Other than that I appear normal. I have decent hygiene, I can carry on a logical conversation. I can express emotions appropriately. No one looking at me talking with me would have much of any idea of the things that occur with me sometimes unless I told them. They just think I must be depressed or lazy but otherwise the same as always. So how could this possibly be schizophrenia if other than occasionally seeing things, possibly hearing things, paranoia, loss of motivation, I am normal. I don’t know if anything is wrong with me or if its all in my head.

I do not know what to do here. What to be worried about. What to mention to a counselor. What to wait out. Any advice at all would be PRICELESS. As I am too confused and unsure of what is going on with me to tell anyone.

A. Despite having what seem like symptoms of psychosis, your thoughts are relatively organized. Your writing is clear and logical. Your experiences are abnormal but your presentation of those experiences is remarkably coherent. I find this very encouraging.

Early in your letter you mentioned having many physical symptoms. Having the symptoms prompted you to be evaluated for seizures. It was determined that there were no seizures. You may want to consider a second or a third opinion. People with psychotic disorders have described physical symptoms but yours seem unusual. It is important to rule out all medical causes.

I believe that treatment is warranted. You mentioned that you have been diagnosed with several disorders but did not say if you have ever engaged in treatment, aside from medication. Medication can be helpful in the treatment of psychotic disorders but once you are stable, psychotherapy may also be helpful. It could help you stay grounded in reality.

You asked what you should mention to a counselor. You should report everything you have written your letter. The therapist needs to know what you have experienced in the past and what you are currently experiencing. It may help him or her to determine a diagnosis and to formulate a treatment plan.

If you’re not interested in therapy then at the very least you should have a support system in place. It would be helpful to have at least one person whom you trust. It does not seem like you have anyone who you do trust. If you did that person could help keep you grounded in reality.

As I mentioned above, I believe you should enter treatment. You should not “wait it out.” Make an appointment with a therapist and be very detailed about what you have experienced. I know it may be difficult but it is necessary. Ignoring this problem may only make it worse. Here’s a link to a website that may help you find a therapist in your community. Don’t give up until you find someone who can truly help you. Please keep me updated on your progress. Thank you for your question.

I have issues from past abusive relationships, flash backs, and fears insecurities on my own. I am not perfect, I have a temper I can be a yeller butI am also able to communicate and not let anger consume me. I also can make changes in my behaviour and keep promises. I believe strongly in communication and being compassionate even in an arguement and also in doing things to make positive change within a relationship.

I feel i became involved with a man who didnt disclose or was for whatever reason not honest about his issues with anger and intimacy, he said he would work on it, I opted to believe he was genuine.

His anger has escalated to the point where I feel it takes over the relationship. It is not possible to have true intimacy as anger and threats removed my feelings of trust and mutuality and I am aware of what is missing in the relationship and feel betrayed by the way he treats me and sadness that I think is only a normal by produnt of the circumstance.

He refuses to acknowledge the reasons I feel this way, almost pretending this reality doesnt exist thereby painting it as if my reactions and disappointments to his angry outbursts which last for days on end and drag on and on with punishing behaviours or the lack of needs and intimacy are manufactured.

Therefore there is no ability to even solve these issues as I am
blamed heavily for my own failures in the relationship while he denies the effects of what I consider to be above and beyond displays of abusive anger and doesnt even seem to care about his own shortcomings or the pain it causes me and what it means for us as acouple.

Each time we fight regardless of what it is or who started it I am told he doesnt love me when he is angry, hasnt loved me for awhile even though minutes before he said he did and I am dumped, hung up on, walked out on, phone smashed while talking, told he wont talk about, silent treatment, things smashed ect ect. screamed at. So the issue whatever it was is now lost and compounded in chaos and nothing can ever change.

When I say to him these behaviours are destructive and arent about being angry they are simply a lack of control and abusive and give an example such as all angry people dont do these bahaviours he says I make him get that way.

He complains about the state of our relationship and becomes more indifferent and angry more hostile and unkind blaming it on me saying I dont make him happy but I do not believe there is a way to make him happy nor do I think the hostile behaviour is about being unhappy because you can be upst without being mean and I think what he wants is a relationship where I become a doormat deviod of wants, expectations and needs for our relationship and him. I think expectations or the reality of a relationship cause him to get defensive angry reactions because he feels afraid and unwilling to open himself, he considers it weakness and therefore he blames these feelings on me instead of growing as a person and doing self reflection.

He wants a relationship deviod of responsibility but I dont think that exists, he tells me to accept him as he is but the truth is I feel is that he is the one unable to accept who I am.

I am willing to make changes, reasonable ones not brought forth from abusive demands but I feel he doesnt even think to try.

He wants a relationship where he does whatever he wants and the other partner doesnt contradict him or need things from him he doesnt feel like doing because its creates anxiety. Well truthfully I cant do that and I wouldn’t ask hm to do that either. I dont think that is a relationship.

I am tired and wondering if I am justified in my opinion?

A: Of course you are tired. You are tired of the anger and hostility and fighting. You are also very, very tired of finding yourself once again in an abusive relationship and having to figure out how to extricate yourself. It must be very, very discouraging.

You’re a smart woman. You know the many things you list as concerns are justified and you know that being right doesn’t matter. He’s not going to change. Talking, reasoning, arguing, even yelling, won’t get through to him. It didn’t with the other abusive relationships in your past. It won’t with this one. The only person in this situation you can change is yourself. That means facing up to the fact that you did it again and resolving that this time you’ll do what you need to do to learn from this recurring pattern.

I strongly urge you to get yourself into counseling. You deserve much better than this. On some level you don’t believe it or you wouldn’t put up with this kind of behavior from a man who says he loves you. I hope that therapy will help you feel deserving of better treatment and will help you see the signs of an anger problem in a man before you make a commitment to him. With some support and personal work, you can learn to seek out someone who will cherish you and treat you well.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

How do I stop when I dont even notice it? I have had many issues with anxiety over my life, and not once thought about how I treated myself in it. Okay I’ll have to rephrase that, I have considered how self abusive I am, but not in the context of anything else and never been full and upfront with myself about it recently I have just gotten over a bout of intense Depersonalization and Anxiety and Stress. Today I was nearly ‘in my own head’ as far as depersonalization goes, and my anxiety had ceased mostly. I went to see a psychiatrist today, the second time I’ve seen him specifically, and he pointed out the most major observation anyone has ever noted. He pointed out I always say ‘Always’, ‘Never’, ‘Can’t', and more when dealing with social situations and anything possibly emotionally benefiting me or my relationships. I believe the conversation started when I talked to him about my lack of connections with friends and he suggested basically using my artistic ability as a conversation piece by drawing a picture at a library or something–the topic is less relevent than my response, though… I responded with ‘I view it as desperate’. Anyway, further talking revealed that not only am I completely hard on myself, I obsess over the thought that I can never (see there goes the never again) do any thing INTENTIONALLY that might benefit me socially or emotionally –anything other than school or work– and that i try to prove my fears right when I ‘overflow’(let out too much emotion at once) when facing my fears. So we came to the conclusion that this allowed me to hate myself for years more and more until now, which means this is the highest it’s ever been. The problem is I’m also the most perceptive ever too, so I have to hide it that much more from myself. I’m never aware of it so how do I stop it? And how do I allow myself to do something beneficial for me when i’ll do anything to stop myself, even humiliate myself? I don’t mean to sound like i have two personalities, i just mean that… I’m my own worst enemy. And I want to silence the self-loathing critic in me.

A. I believe you are on the right track by talking about your concerns with your psychiatrist. If you can continue working with him, you should. If not, then perhaps you could see a therapist. Counseling is the ideal place to deal with these issues. You have identified the fact that you are very hard on yourself. You were not aware of it until it was pointed out to you by an objective observer. That is exactly why counseling could benefit you. In counseling, the therapist is an objective observer. He or she works with you to become more aware of the way you are thinking. In cognitive therapy, for instance, the therapist analyzes the client’s thinking to determine if his or her thoughts are illogical. The ultimate goal is to replace the illogical thoughts with logical thoughts. That is an oversimplification of cognitive therapy but generally speaking, the goal is to help the client to see reality clearly.

It is important to be realistic. If your judgment is impaired, then it will lead to incorrect conclusions and mistakes. This may lead to many problems in life. It is important to make as few mistakes as possible. That is because we pay for our mistakes. There are consequences when we make mistakes. Choosing the wrong mate could lead to divorce. Choosing the wrong career could lead to a life of misery, and so forth. We cannot be completely free of mistakes because no one is perfect but ideally one should strive to make as few as possible. Think of it as self-preservation.

Your psychiatrist suggested using your art as a way to connect with people. You viewed that as being “desperate.” That is a shame because it is a good idea. Your reaction may be related to a negative self-opinion.

Ultimately the goal is to have a realistic opinion of yourself and your abilities. It is not healthy to overstate or understate your abilities. If you’re having difficulty recognizing your abilities then counseling is recommended. It is a problem that you can overcome. Thank you for your question.

A few nights back, a friend was watching Stargate on the couch and I was reading in the next room when I suddenly had the thought; ‘he’s watching the wrong Stargate episode, he’s passed into an alternate dimension where this episode ends differently. If I don’t tell him now he’ll never see the true end of Stargate and the entire program will change forever’. So I race to the next room because I don’t have much time before it’s too late. I try to convince him that he’s got to turn off the DVD player right now otherwise he’ll never see the true episode ending but all my words are coming out wrong. Everytime I try to explain the sentence gets jumbled and I can’t think of the right words. He doesn’t turn it off, I get hysterical and try to draw a diagram instead. He still doesn’t turn it off and I go to bed, hating him for not understanding before it was too late and the episode was changed forever.

I’m worried that this might become more frequent and what it could mean concerning my mental health. It’s only happened once before, when I was younger, that time I felt that snakes were going to crawl up the sides of my bed and kill me.

This experience got me thinking about other ‘behaviours’ of mine that I’m now also worrying about.
My memory is getting worse than usual, I can’t remember instructions or lists longer than 3 and people feel that I don’t listen because I just can’t remember whole conversations. I ‘know’ that I can control the pitch of ’sounds’, for example; a car’s indicator, when it beeps I can make it sound lower or higher, I’ve played with other similar sounds as well. Worst of all, I zone out for good whiles at a time and my words sometimes become jumbled because I’m thinking too much. I didn’t notice it was strange until people told me it was, which worries me the most because what other things do I do that others don’t do then?

What other kinds of behaviour should I look out for? Does this sound like schizophrenia or something else?

A. The latest episode involving your friend and the television show Stargate is concerning. As far as I can tell, there’s nothing logical to prompt your strong emotional reaction. The other concern is that when you attempted to speak your speech was jumbled and incoherent.

Problems with language have been associated with psychosis and with schizophrenia in particular. You also described problems with memory, feeling like you are “zoned out” and a belief that you can control sounds. Those symptoms may also be indicative of a psychotic disorder like schizophrenia.

Please keep in mind that it is difficult to determine an individual’s diagnosis over the Internet. I cannot say with certainty whether you have schizophrenia or any other disorder. An in-person mental health evaluation may be able to determine a diagnosis and guide you to treatment. If you are potentially developing a disorder, early intervention could significantly decrease your symptoms and possibly eliminate future episodes.

Therapy and medication are two treatments to consider. How could a therapist help you? He or she could teach you how to deal with your symptoms. Also, a therapist can help you become grounded in reality. You could go to the therapist with questions such as: “Is my behavior normal? Is my thinking logical? Should I be concerned about this behavior?” I think that type of intervention would be advantageous.

How could a psychiatrist help you? He or she could prescribe medication that may decrease your symptoms. The combination of therapy and medication may be able to reduce or eliminate your symptoms.

With regard to your question about behaviors of concern, there is a long list of potential behaviors that one could be concerned about, too many to name. The symptoms you mentioned are concerning for the reasons described earlier.

As I mentioned, I do not know with certainty if you have a mental health disorder. It is wise to be proactive and to seek help when there is a problem. You may be able to find a therapist in your community by going to this website and searching through their list of therapists. A therapist may be able to refer you to a psychiatrist. Another way to access help is to ask your primary care physician for a referral to a mental health professional. Thanks for your question.