I am really confused as to what is going on with my brain right now. I cannot talk to anyone about any. Last week, I went to my friends house and I couldn’t converse or keep a conversation going at all. My friend told me that I need to open up more and learn to push myself out of the comfort zone.

But the problem is, I’m like that in my own home. I live with my family and I don’t talk to them everyday at all. I am in my room all day on the computer. When my dad tries to talk to me, suddenly I have a bad mood and I asnwer in one word answers agreeing to everything he’s saying. When my dad asks a question, any question, I say “I don’t know” and look down with a angry face. He’s not doing anything wrong or yelling at me. I stopped talking to my sister and whenever shes around anywhere in the house, whether its the kitchen, living room or anywhere, i just run away to my room and close the door. I don’t know why I stopped talking to her.

We also have paying guest living in my basement and whenver they try to talk to me, I just say hi and run to my room. Let’s say they are eating downstairs, and my dad calls me to come eat, I yell and say that I am not hungry from my room. Only after everyone is cleared from the table and no one is downstairs, I can go and eat.

I don’t want todo this anymore. What is going on with me? I am so confused as to why I am behaving this way. I am not angry at anyone, at least it doesn’t feel that way until I talk to my family. My mood changes instantly and I have no control. My thoughts are always happy and I feel like I want to say so many things but when I try to talk, its all one word answers.

My father is concerned about me because he tells me that if he has a heart condition and I should be the man of the house and be ready to take care of the family if anything were to happen to him any day. Not my family, not anyone understands a word when I talk. I speak fluent english but I just have this mind freeze and sudden change of emotions to bad moods that stops my conversation and changes my behavior.

Even when strangers try to talk to me outside or when new students come and talk to me, I cannot converse with them and give them one word answers. What is this mindset called? No matter what I research on depression, I cannot relate to any of them. I am confused to what is going on with me. It’s been going on for 3 years now. I want to change but at the same time I don’t. Some people in my university tell me that I am stuck in a shell. But as much as I try to push myself to talk, it’s not happening

A: This has been going on for three years?? I”m so, so sorry. It sounds like a sad and lonely way to live. I’m very glad you wrote. This has gone on far too long.

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. I can only tell you that your subject line may be right: It sounds like maybe a combination of social anxiety and depression. It may also be that your dad’s expectation that you are to assume the mantle for taking care of the family should he die is causing you more stress than you think. But the label/cause doesn’t matter. What matters is that you are becoming more and more isolated.

It’s way past time for getting some help for this. If you could have solved the problem yourself, you would have done so long ago. You are missing out on college experiences and the kinds of friendships and memories that are the foundation for lifelong relationships. You aren’t making the connections that will help you when you graduate.

Most schools have a mental health service of some sort. You might start there. See what they have to offer. If there isn’t such a service, ask you doctor for a referral to a therapist who also has experience with family therapy. I’m guessing that you may eventually need to have a few sessions that include your dad.

You made an important start by writing to us. Now please follow through. You’ve missed enough. You deserve to find your voice.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

First, I would like to apologize in advance for my somewhat weird English, I’m from a country in Central Europe. I seek your advice because I feel lost.

Thank you very much for reading this in advance.

Even when I’m writing these words, I feel quite nervous and ashamed of myself feeling this way. One could say I’m ashamed of being always ashamed. I don’t see any real value in myself.

I’m almost 28 years old and never had a relationship. There was one man, whom I felt affectionate for but my love was unrequited. I even made a fool of myself in front of my friends (a not very big circle of friends). This happened several years ago and I started to avoid these people. I don’t talk to them anymore.

If people try to get closer to me I tend to push them away. Whenever a man tries to form a relationship with me I scare him away (luckily there were not many attempts). I lye that I’m not single, or find some other excuse. I can’t stand the thought of someone touching me ‘that way’. Once I got a love-letter from a nice boy, it was a romantic poem, but when I read it all I felt was fear. I was terrified. I threw it out as soon as it was possible.
The same thing happens if a man tries to contact me on a social networking site.
I feel sorry for the men, they are usually nice people who deserve someone better than me.

My social circle only contains of my closest family: my parents and my sister. We live together but they know nothing about my thoughts. I can’t even properly express my love to them. Yet I don’t wish to move away because then I would be completely alone. The very thought of moving away from my parents scares me. And what will happen if something happens to them? I think I could not live any longer. I’m like a leech.

I work at a supermarket, so I have to deal with a lot of people. I’m trying to be very nice and friendly with them, I’m smiling most of the time, but inside my head I sometimes wish they would all just go away and leave me alone. When I’m feeling offended by them I get very-very angry inside and hate them so much. The anger just burns and burns sometimes even for hours and I can not let it burst out. All I can do is to stand there and smile. Many costumers think that I’m a nice cashier they even praise me sometimes, but I just feel the guilt and a dark hole in my chest.

To ease the frustration I hit myself for punishment (at home). For being bad. Disrespectful. I write words on my skin with a pen (like: bad, dirty).

Sometimes I wish I would be a robot so I would not feel anything and just vegetate away.

I don’t tend to go out much, I usually sit in front of my PC and surf the net or watch movies. These deal as great distraction, so I don’t have to focus on reality. When watching a movie I’m comletely absorbed in it, and I really tend to forget about my problems. But the movies end eventually and everything comes back.
Well, the movies don’t end completely actually, I use them as fuel for the fantasy world in my head.

I really love to seek refugee in there, where I’m a lot more dependable, lovable and pretty. That is my safe haven. But lately the imagined scenes have become more bloody and violent. I inflickt grave injuries to myself (or a different character does this to me). Yet I can’t stop this and it somewhat satisfies me imagining my own blood flowing around me. Whenever I feel down, I travel to this bloody imaginary world and go berserk there. Sometimes I even imagine killing myself.

From the outside it looks like I’m just randomly sitting before my PC or doing everyday cores (cleaning etc.).

Some time ago I tried to talk to a friend about my feelings, about the anger. He said this is normal, I’m just jealous.

Is this really normal? If it is, than I’m the most horrible person on Earth.

Thank you very much for taking your time and reading these lines.

A. I am very sorry to hear about your suffering. Make no mistake, you are indeed suffering. You’ve kept your feelings bottled up for so long that your sadness has morphed into anger. You also have no outlet to release this pent-up anger. These feelings have led you to engage in physical self-destruction and to consider suicide.

You’ve used fantasy to escape these problems but they can no longer be ignored. What began as a relatively minor issue has become a major issue. Ignoring your problems or not accessing treatment has made them worse. Perhaps you thought that you could handle them on your own. Maybe you didn’t believe that anything was wrong or maybe these problems were too difficult to face. The reality is that these problems are significantly interfering with your life and must be dealt with. The fact the you have considered suicide is evidence of the seriousness of these problems.

I cannot tell you why you have these problems because it would require me to know about your psychosocial history. I would recommend being evaluated by a mental health professional as soon as possible. Mental health professionals are trained to deal with these very problems. They receive advanced training and specialize in helping people to overcome psychological problems and regain their lives. I would strongly advise against ignoring these problems because they may only become worse.

The good news is that the problem that you have described is easily treated. You lack a belief in yourself. You just doubt yourself. Losing your boyfriend may have caused this problem or aggravated it. Now you think that you just aren’t good enough. That isn’t even close to the truth. Oftentimes people look to others to tell them if they are good enough to be loved. This is always a mistake. You are good enough to be loved. You just haven’t met the right man. This is partly due to the fact that you turn your potential suitors away. You turn them away because you think that you aren’t good enough for them and they would be disappointed if they really got to know you. Have faith in yourself. I do.

Please take care and let me know how you are doing.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Lately when I sleep at night or randomly during the day, I seldom have dreams. When I do, they’re so fogged I can’t remember them. Most nights I see darkness that feels like it lasts only a few seconds, but when I glance at the clock, I have slept for hours. I did not have this problem when I was younger. It seems that the more I age the fewer dreams I have. Some dreams are nice, others are disturbing. I use to have daydreams all the time also; those are gradually disappearing too. Abnormally long periods of time pass before I drift to sleep. I am literally laying in bed for hours trying to sleep. I ask my mother what I should do but all she says is to turn on my side and go to sleep. What does this all mean? My friends say I’m fine and just need more sleep. I typically sleep about 4-8 hours during the week. I could really use some guidance on how to deal with this.

A. It is relatively normal to have difficulty recalling our dreams. One could go months without having remembered even a part of a dream. Though you don’t remember having dreamt that does not mean that you haven’t. I’m not certain that your inability to remember your dreams is indicative of a dream problem. It may potentially be a sign of sleep disturbance. You stated at the end of your letter that you typically only sleep about 4-8 hours during the week. I’m not certain if you meant 4-8 hours in an entire week or per night. My assumption is that you meant the latter. If you’re sleeping fewer than 10 hours a week, this would explain your inability to remember your dreams.

If this continues to be a problem, then you should be evaluated by a physician. Report your sleep problems and inquire about the possibility of having a sleep study. A sleep study is a set of tests that a doctor uses to determine how well you sleep. The tests will measure things such as how long it takes you to go to sleep, and how long you stay asleep, among other aspects of your sleeping patterns.

Sometimes, when people have trouble sleeping, it can be a sign of psychological problems. While that may be a possibility in this case, you didn’t mention experiencing any psychological symptoms.

In the meantime, keep a journal about your potential sleep problems. It would be helpful to document the following information in your sleep journal: how long you sleep each night, how long it takes you to fall asleep, your anxiety level (no anxiety, low, medium or high), significant happenings of the day, and so forth. Keeping track of your sleep patterns could help to uncover a potential problem. Also, if you do eventually see your doctor about your sleep problem, your sleep journal would be a valuable resource in determining what might be wrong. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

How do I determine the difference between the mental illnesses my daughter lives with and character defects? It is difficult for me to know the difference. Can you offer some guidelines that will help discern the differences, to help me in knowing how to respond?
My daughter struggles with bipolar, bulemia, and possibly BPD.
Thank You!

A: I’m so, so sorry that your daughter is struggling with so much. I’m equally sorry that you are having difficulty with her behavior. At close to 60, this isn’t what you imagined you’d be dealing with at this point in your life.

The brief answer to your question is that you are having trouble sorting out illness from temper tantrums because it’s difficult to sort out — particularly with someone who has BPD. Unstable relationships are the key characteristic of that diagnosis. I imagine you have already done some reading about it.

I very much hope that your daughter has a therapist, preferably one trained in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, to help her learn to manage her feelings. I also hope that she allows you to attend sessions now and then to learn ways you can support her and yet have an appropriately separate life. With or without a mental illness, your daughter is an adult and needs to be managing her own life as much as possible.

You might find it helpful to find a chapter of NAMI, The National Alliance on Mental Illness. Many chapters have parent education and support groups to help people like yourself know how to best support family members who have mental illness.

What you can do that no one else can do is love your daughter as only a mother can. That doesn’t mean that you need to be a victim of her mood shifts and any unreasonable demands. A support group can give you other people who understand, information about how to stay centered when your daughter is being difficult and people to call when you need to remind yourself how to do it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I don’t know if I have an eating disorder or not. Back in July, 2012, I started eating roughly 200-600 calories a day and exercising about 2-4 after my friend said, “If you eat, you lose the starvation contest.” I hate my body, and weight, but I hear people talk about how much they hate themselves all the time, so I’m not sure if this is really an eating disorder. Also, about a few months afterwards, I started binge-eating for a week and gaining roughly ten pounds, and then eating 0-100 calories for a week and losing the ten pounds. I’ve heard these are the symptoms for EDNOS, but since I’ve never gotten an official diagnosis or told anyone in real life, I am not certain on what this really is. Also, I lost seventeen pounds in three weeks, as well as gain thirty pounds in a month. If this really is EDNOS or any type of eating disorder, I don’t know if it’s as severe as some other people’s eating disorders and needs treatment. Please advise?

A. I can’t say with certainty whether you have an eating disorder but your behavior is very troubling. Even if it seems normal in your circle of friends, your behavior is far from normal. Starving your body of food is harmful. You are barely eating. Your body is unable to function properly without the proper nutrients and these must be gotten daily. It is a problem.

I would highly recommend that you report your behavior to your parents and ask them to take you to treatment. Meet with a mental health professional as soon as possible to deal with these issues. It is abnormal to be so restrictive in your diet and it is a sign that something is wrong. Eating disorders can be deadly and immediate treatment is required. Please speak to your parents as soon as possible and let them know that you want treatment from mental health professionals. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

My boyfriend is 9 years older than me, he has 2 kids, a 9 year old daughter, and a 10 year old son. I have a 3 year old son also. We’ve been together for over a year now. He left his wife for me, and we’ve been going strong ever since, up until about 2 1/2 months ago. His ex up and skipped town, we got left with his 2 kids permantely. I’m 24, and all this is new to me, I went from being a mom with 3 years of experience to having a 3, 9, & 10 year old. His daughter talks to me any way she pleases, I punish her by sending her to her room, she’ll fight back with kicking, screaming, & moaning for literally hours, telling her dad she hates him for being with me, whereas most days she’s completely fine & loves me. His 10 year old son is mostly good, except he has jealous issues upon my 3 year old son. He is mean to him, takes toys, food, books, etc away from him just so he’ll cry. He has admitted that his problem with my son is that he has his mom in his life.

My boyfriend worked at the time when his kids were growing up, so all this is briefly new to him also. We have tried everything since their mom left, family vacation, movies, shopping, even re-did their rooms, nothing seems to be good enough. I’be tried talking with his daughter & she will get up & tell me she is fine.

Her grades are begining to slip, she lies about bathing, stopped doing household chores, & plain out doesn’t care. She is the most difficult time we.are having, its been causing us to argue, stress, & panic. I suggested she seen a counceler & she screamed at us we hated her & was trying to.put her in a girls home! I have no clue where she gets these things. I only want better for her. Some nights she’ll cry herself to sleep saying ” I want my moma.” What do we do?

A: The most important thing to remember in this situation is that your boyfriend’s kids are grieving. Their mom abandoned them. They lost her and the home they’ve known. From their point of view, they can’t trust you or their dad either. They think that since their own mother could leave them, so could you. These kids aren’t bad. They are in enormous emotional pain. Being kids, they don’t have a way to understand what has happened or to talk about it clearly. They act out instead.

Family vacations and movies, though wonderful family outings, are not going to balance out their feelings of anger and sadness. Then need support in dealing with their feelings. You and their father need support in learning how to support the kids. This isn’t easy stuff. But it is essential. You want to stabilize things before they get into adolescence, when kids normally push away from parental influence. You want to lay in trust and love and understanding now that you will be able to draw on later.

Your instinct that it would be a good idea to see a therapist was on target. But the whole family needs to go, including your 3-year-old, not just the daughter. You all need to have a place to talk about how difficult the situation is for all of you and to figure out how to live together and, hopefully, how to love and trust each other. A trained family therapist can help you with that project.

Please follow through. If you could have handled this on your own, you and your boyfriend would have fixed it already. I can tell you care about these kids and have compassion for them. Now you need some new skills.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi, I’m sixteen years old and a male. I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder since age 13. Also, I have used numerous drugs, alcohol, self-harmed, contemplated/attempted suicide twice, I don’t eat or treat myself very well, have critically low self esteem, etc. I’m living with my mother and older brother, they both express concern with me. I sleep too much, and have had to switch to online high school due to sleep issues. I used to do well in school, but now I have no motivation to do anything. I have things I enjoy doing, but I don’t enjoy them like I used to. My mother feels like she is an inconsistent parent, and I think that she tried to make up for it by punishing me harshly for every slip-up. It makes my quality of life much worse. I like the thought of suicide, although I don’t plan on it. Help?

A. You stated that you been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety but have you received treatment? The fact that you continue to experience symptoms indicates that if you are receiving treatment, it’s not working. You also mentioned suicide but don’t have a specific plan to end your life. Any thoughts of suicide, even in the absence of a plan, are concerning. Your family is concerned about you and rightly so. By your own admission, you are not well.

It’s imperative that you seek mental health treatment. Ask your mother if she would be willing to have you evaluated. A mental health professional could determine what may be wrong but more important, develop an appropriate treatment plan to deal with your symptoms.

You may also consider family therapy, a type of therapy that includes your family in treatment. You mentioned that your mother is an “inconsistent parent” and is contributing to your unhappiness. Family therapy could address that problem directly. You can suggest this type of therapy to your mother and or the mental health evaluator, who could advise you about how to access family therapy.

In the meantime, try to improve your self-care. Not eating, depriving your body of the nutrients it needs to function properly, is likely contributing to your emotional instability. Your body needs food to survive and without it you will not feel well physically or psychologically.

You also mentioned that you don’t “treat yourself very well.” You’re using illegal drugs and alcohol and engaging in self-harm. The use of drugs and alcohol can also significantly increase your distressing symptoms. Alcohol is a nervous system depressant and can intensify your depression. Drugs and alcohol alter one’s mood. The initial ingestion of drugs or alcohol may seem to improve your mood but it does not last. Drugs and alcohol alter your brain chemistry and ultimately complicate mood disorders. Avoid all drugs and alcohol.

Finally, self-harm is a form of self-destruction. When people engage in self-harm, it usually means that they lack important problem-solving skills. The most efficient way to learn these important life skills is through the assistance of a mental health professional.

I hope you will take my advice. Speak to your mother about seeing a mental health professional and do what is necessary to receive treatment as soon as possible. Don’t ignore your suicidal thoughts and go to the hospital if you feel you might be a danger to yourself or someone else. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

My boyfriend & I have a 9-year past. We both have very horrible drinking partying sleeping around pasts. We have currently been together for 14 months no breakups and only some fights. I have caught him lying to me twice once he was super drunk texting some other girl about how beautiful she was etc. etc. I saw the message and he lied to my face. Then I see a picture of him at a bar on a friend’s Facebook after he says he’s going to bed. I confronted him an he claims he was there to pick up a friend yet he was dressed to the 9′s Now he’s been dangling a engagement ring over my head for a least 6 months. Its beginning to become frustrating for me cause that kind of commitment out of him in my eyes would help my issues, we spend a lot of time together when we can, we still live apart, we have two dogs together. Now he’s talking about plans to move out in the Spring of 2014 but I cannot get past the past, he wants to go camping alone to go fish cause I work and I automatically start to cry, there’s another girl, he’s doing this to get a reaction out of me. I don’t know how to trust his words due to the stuff I’ve dealt with in the past with him. Its killing me I over eat I stress I look like I haven’t slept in weeks All I want is to smile again and believe it when he tells me he wants to be with me forever but with stupid comments and stupid actions its hard for me to believe.

A: “We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.” — Walter Anderson

It seems to me there simply isn’t enough trust left in the relationship. You have been hurt and lied to and the engagement ring seems more like a tool for manipulation than a loving gesture. From what you have said he has lied, there is another girl, he is trying to do things to provoke you and he taunts you with an engagement ring – but doesn’t offer it. Do you need this?

The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find a therapist in your area. It sounds like it is time for you to take care of yourself and not be in orbit around him. You deserve more than you say you are getting from this relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My 5yo has been diagnosed with severe ADHD, Autism, ODD. He is on medications and has been doing so well until about the last three months. He has always had more problems with ADHD but now it seems like Autism is taking control of him! My 3yo is very delayed and does not speak due to 18q syndrome & Autism. We are all of a sudden having major problems with both of them. I’m wondering what we need to be looking for or many what to expect next.. Thanks

A: You have children who have big challenges and who can be very challenging. I hope you’ve had some help from an Early Intervention (EI) Program. In Florida, this is run by the state’s Early Steps program. Early Steps is administered by Children’s Medical Services (CMS) of the state’s Department of Health. Early Intervention programs both diagnose children under age 3 who have special needs and provide guidance about how to get further services. The phone number is (800) 654-4440.

Children over the age of 3 in Florida who need significant modifications in their educational programs may be eligible for special education services through their school district. About.com has a page that describes how to obtain these services. Check out this site.

In addition, ask your pediatrician if there is a local support group for parents of children with autism. Other parents are often our best resource to find out what services are available. Just as important, they completely understand what it is like to love a child who has special needs.

I don’t know what it is that is making your children act up these days. I do have a guess that they react to each other and also to your stress. Often things get going in families where people start to react to each other’s reactions. So it’s very important that you parents do everything you can to de-stress and take care of each other – even while caring for the kids. That’s another good reason to get to know other parents who can commiserate and offer practical advice.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’m 16 and I’m not really sure what to do with myself. The past few months have been really hard; my “depression” has gotten really bad. (I put depression in quotes because I have not been diagnosed by any doctor. I’m assuming that this is what I’m going through after having done research online, and from my mom (who has depression) coming to this conclusion after I told her how I feel.) I have been really stressed with school and the craziness of my schedule lately, but it’s all stuff that I used to be able to deal with. It’s very often been difficult just to get through the day. I want nothing more than to hide from the world, and I cry all the time. I get extraordinarily sad and upset for no apparent reason, for hours or days at a time. I feel like I’m constantly on the edge of breaking down, and little things that shouldn’t bother me are liable to set me over the edge. I just can’t deal with anything it seems. I used to be that girl who was always happy and always smiling, and even when this started, I was able to pretend I was, and became very good at hiding my true feelings. But now, many days I can’t even keep up this pretend face, and it’s all I can do to keep myself from breaking down right there in public. I feel like I’m just being weak or pathetic because I cannot think of any reason for me to have depression, but whatever it is is really wearing me down, and making me very unproductive and unsocial. Most of the small amount of energy I have now is spent keeping myself from curling up in a ball and crying at school, and I have a lot of trouble concentrating and keeping up my grades. I’m very introverted, and have a lot of difficulty explaining and even admitting this to anyone. Almost none of my friends or family know I’m having issues. Even writing this is extremely hard, but I’m at the point where I seriously think I need help. I have self-harmed a few times, and thoughts of death are a norm in my everyday life. I don’t know what to do, or how to get help. Where do I start?

A: You did the right thing by talking to your mom and writing us here. There are many possibilities that may be causing your symptoms and I think the first thing is to have your mom make an appointment with your physician so you can have a physical. The physician can help sort through whether this is psychological or physical and make comments and recommendations from there.

You will also want to talk to your high school’s guidance counselor to see what he or she thinks. Talking to others who can help is the best way to start feeling better.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have never had any type of mental issue until randomly about a week ago. I am a very mellow person and have not been dealing with much stress or any other problems and up until now I have been completely normal. All of a sudden last Tuesday my life has drastically changed mentally. All of a sudden I became extremely dazed and light headed to the point where I feel like nothing is real. I thought this was from sleep deprivation or a feeling that would pass but days later it hasn’t gone away. For some reason I am just constantly questioning my existence and what’s been going on and its freaking me out. Basically its as if nothing feels real. I want so desperately for this feeling to go away and I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if its anxiety and if I need to go to the doctor or what but any advice would help thanks!

A. You may be experiencing derealization or depersonalization. Derealization is often associated with anxiety. People who experience derealization say they feel as though the external world is unreal. Depersonalization is also associated with anxiety disorders. People who experience derealization describe feeling as though they’re living in an “unreality” or that they are disconnected from their own feelings.

You also mentioned sleep problems. It’s possible that your symptoms are associated with sleep deprivation, depending on how much sleep you have lost. However, you stated that even after catching up on sleep these odd feelings remain.

Drug use is also associated with derealization and depersonalization. Marijuana in particular is often associated with the aforementioned symptoms. You did not mention any drug use but it may have been omitted from your letter.

The fact that you continue to experience these symptoms suggests that intervention is necessary. Your symptoms may be due to anxiety and if that is in fact the case, your anxiety requires treatment. Meet with a mental health professional and report your symptoms. A mental health professional will collect a full psychosocial history and determine the best treatment for your symptoms. Medication might also be helpful in elevating your symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Good afternoon, I am 21 years old youngest of three. My mother had two children before she met my dad. Then she fell in love with my dad then I came along. I come from a very strict Hispanic family. My older siblings being my sister still lives with us, my brother recently got married. I just started my first year in college and Im doing well. But I feel like my family still controls me, when I go out they expect a phone call from the time of my arrival and departure, to who Im with and where Im going.

Im in a relationship but my sister tends to threaten me of ending the relationship, yet I only see my boyfriend a day out of the week, two if we’re lucky. My older sister tends to dominate my mother’s authority sometimes and I believe it’s not fair.

I plan on discussing this issue with my therapist to see what advice she can give me. I also plan on getting a job and moving out soon but my mother has told/ warned me if I leave that the financial support shall be gone. Im scared yet willing to take the risk but I do need help please.

Im willing to provide more information if necessary, thank you and have a good day.

A: I do understand how difficult this is. You want the independence you see other American women your age having at college. But you come from a traditional Hispanic family that is more protective. You want to be able to make your own decisions but it’s hard to cut loose from the financial and emotional support that your family offers. It can look like there is a big cost to whatever you do.

I’m impressed that you are willing to work hard and perhaps move out. That shows courage and strength. I hope it doesn’t have to come to a blowup with your family for you to be with your boyfriend and to pursue your own dreams.

I’m very glad you found a therapist to help you. That’s the person you should be talking to about these issues. She can learn your whole story, where I only have your short letter. She can provide you with ongoing advice and support. I’m sure the two of you can figure out how you can gain more independence and still be connected to the people you love. You may even want to invite them to come to a session or two to help you in the project.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am fairly convinced that my wife has some degree of bi-polar disorder. She goes into fits of rage over any question about her, her parents or upbringing. She constantly belittles me and talks bad about my family to the children.

It has escalated in recent years with her attempting to push me, going into 20 minute tirades where she brings up everything that I had done over the last 12 years and her drinking has increased. She drinks to the point that she is carried out of neighborhood parties with the children crying out of embarrassment then blames me. Those who dont tolerate it are ‘fake people’ but the others are ‘true friends’ and she has been going out and staying out all night this past month.

What is of greatest concern is that her explosions have increasingly come in front of the children resulting in them crying hysterically and her threatening to ‘kick me out’. She yells at them and then goes into a dialog of how much she does for them and how lucky they are.

It is very stressful but I need confirmation that this is what I am dealing with and how do I proceed?

A. It’s unclear whether your wife has bipolar disorder. Emotionally she is unstable but it might be due to her drinking. The fact that she is drinking makes it difficult to determine if a mental health disorder is present or if her drinking is the main problem. It may be a combination of both but I cannot make that determination based on this short letter.

What is clear is that your wife’s drinking is excessive and is causing a great deal of distress for your marriage and for your children. Both you and the children are subjected to her tirades. It’s abusive, unacceptable and something needs to change.

Encourage her to seek psychological treatment or inpatient rehabilitation if necessary. If she is unwilling to seek treatment, then you must take action. This might include seeking psychological help for yourself so that you know how best to deal with your wife or temporarily moving out of the home. Your children should not be subjected to your wife’s tirades. It most certainly frightens them and it’s abusive.

You may also want to consider an intervention. By this I mean you and members of your family come together as a group and ask your wife to seek help. During the intervention, members of the group describe how her behavior is affecting them and ask her to receive help. Perhaps she would be willing to seek help if she knew how her behavior was negatively affecting friends and family.

I can confirm the fact that there is a problem but I cannot determine the precise problem that is causing your wife to behave in such an unstable manner. Utilize the help of mental health professionals to assist you in dealing with your wife and children. I firmly believe that trained mental health professionals can give you the best advice about how to proceed. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Hi, one of my friends that I have is becoming very toxic to me and I don’t know what to do.
She and I met over a decade ago when we worked in the same place.
She is on the one hand, tries to be nice, loyal, helpful if I have a difficult situation, knows me well, etc. but on the other hand, she is a very bitter, critical and harsh person- and lately doing it to me as well.

I can’t blame her, she is all alone except for her dh and her father (she doesn’t get along w/ her father). She has no children and no job, and has a hard life. However, every time I talk to her, she criticizes me, or the way I do thing, or she is the only one who knows how to do xyz, everyone else is stupid etc. As it is, I have low self confidence and this is very hard for me to take. For example- she’ll ask me how I make a certain dish, and when I tell her-she says in an amazed voice- ‘that’s how u make it. ugh’. (mind you, everyone says I’m a great cook.) And of course if she gives me advice or says I made a mistake, she says she tells me the truth to be helpful, because she cares- but she is so tactless, its almost nasty.
I don’t want to cut her off totally- firstly bec I feel bad for her, and also bec. then I will have no friends. So how can I become more immune to her comments?

A: It is time for new friends. While I don’t recommend a complete cutoff I do think that everything you’ve said indicates you need to find more people to connect with. Try taking a class, joining a group, volunteering, attending free lectures, etc. In other words, start increasing your contact and connection with other people so you have more choices. Once you have options it will be easier to deal with your friend.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My fiance and I are in a long distance relationship. We were dating and engaged for 4 years before I broke up with him and relocated across county. We have now been back together a year but the demons from the past are cropping up again.
We do fight, sometimes vehemently when it comes to how I choose to spend my free time. It was like this in the past.
I’ve been a bit of a hermit the past year and, at his urging, he tells me to find friends and find things to do.
I mention to him, a female co-worker and I were chatting about our love of cooking. She mentioned she throws a dinner party once in awhile and I said I’d love to go.

She also mentioned her friend was having an art exhibit opening and that was music to my ears. I appreciate art.
When I tell my fiance this he immediately says “sounds like the nightlife and acting single, have at it”.
There was communication melt down after this. He is concerned that there could be another single man there so it would not be appropriate to put myself in that situation. I feel that is a good compromise since it is not a nightlife or club atmosphere.
I was very angry and called him controlling and insecure. He said I was being too dominate and strong and if it made him uncomfortable I shouldn’t go. He now wants to take a break from the relationship and think things over.

I feel I have a very short list of things I can do that he would approve of since it was a problem in the past for me to have dinner with friends. He thought that would lead to drinks and then more drinks and clubs and I would come home too late at night. Or I may get buzzed and do something that can damage the relationship. I’ve never violated his trust or damaged the relationship so I feel he makes up scenarios to justify the way he feels.

Is there a way that I can communicate to him that me going to a dinner party, or anything of that matter is not disrespectful to him. He’s the one I love, I tell him all the time. In return I get texts or he asks why I wan’t to be with him.
Please help.

A: You are 35 years old, yet your fiance is treating you like a teenager who has no judgment. You’re correct. He is setting too many boundaries. It seems like all you have to do is even think about attending an art exhibit or dinner party and his mind creates a story about you getting swept up in inappropriate things. He says you are too dominant yet he thinks you are so weak you can’t make good decisions.

I don’t see anything good coming out of this. You’ve never violated his trust but he acts as if you can’t be trusted at all. This isn’t a problem of communication. He is so insecure that the only way he feels comfortable in the relationship is by isolating you. Nothing you can say or do is going to change this. He needs serious therapy. I suggest you take a break from this relationship until he does some serious personal work and proves to you that he doesn’t have to limit you to feel okay.

I wish you well.
|Dr. Marie