My boyfriend is a year and a half younger than me so i knew going into it that i might have issues with him being a bit immature in certain areas of our relationship, but when we first started dating he was my perfect guy. After two and a half years he’s still an amazing guy but there are things that are ruining our relationship and I’m not sure if I’m just being impatient or if its just not going to work.

He was engaged when he was 20. Obviously way too young and it didn’t work. I was in a 7 year relationship with a guy that treated me amazingly but never tried hard enough to get me a ring, though he promised for years, and towards the end I was paying for everything because he just wasn’t responsible and unreliable. I fell out of love and now am wondering if I’m wasting my time yet again.

My boyfriend now of two and a half years goes to school so I appreciate that because I can’t seem to get that part of life together. I just hate school with passion due to severe social anxiety. So I don’t mind being the one who helps pay for most of the bills since I bartend and make a good amount of money. Knowing that in the future he’ll have a good job is a wonderful feeling.

My problem is that he works but doesn’t bring in enough to pay for much plus he’s been saying he wants to buy me a ring and I can’t see that being possible anytime soon. I know I shouldnt care what people think but I don’t want to look like an idiot again and people are always asking why we aren’t engaged yet. It makes me feel like people think no ones ever going to want to marry me.

So here are my main issues. His credit is terrible because he’s so irresponsible with bills. He’s like a child I have to check up on to make sure he’s paid things on time. The few bills he does pay he has a hard time paying on time. He got a new credit card to build his credit again and doesn’t seem to care about it because he says he forgets and is busy with everything else. I can’t be in a relationship with another guy that doesn’t take me seriously even though he says he does.

He gets upset when I get mad at him and has even punched holes in doors because he gets so mad. He’s a quiet guy and keeps things bottled up and every once in a while when I get mad he just goes crazy. It’s disturbing because I can’t have children with a guy that acts like that. Ive threatened to leave him if he ever does it again and he has been much better about controlling himself but the irresponsible behavior with credit and trying to get me a ring is driving me nuts!!

He’s so great in every single other aspect of our relationship. Hes genuinely just a good soul. He’s so unbelievably attractive and adores me. I love this man and can’t imagine life without him but I can’t look like an idiot again with no ring on my finger and his irresponsible behaviors. Is this normal for people to go through things like this in a relationship and how long should I wait for a ring. I know there’s no perfect guy and I don’t expect him to be perfect. I know I’m not perfect but I feel like if he really cared I would have a ring by now especially since he knows how important if us to me. With no credit it’s gonna be impossible for a loan and he’s not bringing in enough money to pay straight cash. Am I bring selfish?

A: If you were sure about this guy being marriage material, you wouldn’t care if he made a ring out of a paperclip. It looks to me like thinking about a ring is a great distraction from some much more important issues. He’s not a “bit” immature. He’s a lot immature. At 25, he’s still being irresponsible about such adult responsibilities as paying his bills and managing his credit. When he gets mad, he throws tantrums. He sounds like he’s about 14 years old and you are being put in a mother role. Please. You deserve far better.

Many couples take turns making the lion’s share of the money for the two of them so each can pursue school or some other goals. But it can only work when the person who is on the receiving end of the financial support is appreciative and shows it by doing as much as she or he can to contribute. That includes being careful with the money that does come in. Your guy doesn’t even manage paying his own bills on time!

However charming he is, I do suggest you take a big step back. Move out, stop paying his way, and let him fend for himself so he can experience the consequences of being so disinterested in how money comes and goes. Otherwise, how is he ever going to learn? If he cleans up his financial act, then you can enjoy his other qualities without putting your financial future on the line. Same thing goes for his temper. If he is only controlling himself because you’ve threatened to leave him. He has some personal work to do. He needs to learn self-control because that’s what adults do.

You aren’t being selfish to want him to man up. But I do think you are fooling yourself if you think he is mature enough to think about marrying.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi, I am one of four sisters and have four brothers. We are a total of eight siblings. My father past away almost six years ago and so did my grandmother from my mother’s side. My mother was left to care for us all. She has never responsible to pay the bills in the house her responsibility was cook, clean and take care of her children. She has diabetes. After my father past away it has been horrible. Since my mother doesn’t work she received benefits for the 3 younger children. Social security and disability she also received Medicaid, food stamps and Section 8 Housing. She now lives with my four younger siblings. Without this help I don’t know where my mother would be. She has always struggled paying her bills on time and having enough food in the house. Me and my oldest sister are renting an apartment therefore we are not living there anymore. My oldest sister and I have helped her with everything talking to her, giving her advice; also financially we have helped her. My mother allows my little brother to miss school he hasn’t gone in like two weeks or more and he’s only in sixth grade. He doesn’t like to go and has had problems with bullying. I am afraid something bad may happen. Also my little sister that is eighteen dropped out at the age of sixteen and is now working part time. The seventeen year old is doing really bad in school with bad grades. Me and my older sister have given her a lot of advice and have tried helping everyone but it’s only so much we can do. My oldest sister and I are now working full time and currently attending college. I don’t want my family separated. I really want to help her but I have exhausted all my efforts. My sister and I have tried asking her to give us the checks she received so we can manage all her bills but she does not want to. No one else in the family wants to help. My two oldest brothers have their families and they are low income as well. My mother has an inspection coming up soon and it doesn’t seem like she’s taking it seriously. If she doesn’t pass this second time she is in jeopardy in losing the house. Please help me.

A. I’m sorry that you are faced with these problems. There are no easy solutions. As you noted on several occasions in your letter, there’s only so much that you can do. You cannot force your mother to be more responsible. You can’t change who she is. You also can’t force someone to do things that they refuse to do. Unfortunately, your mother’s unwillingness to change may lead to her losing the house and putting other family members in jeopardy. It is also possible that children and youth services will intervene in the case of your brother not attending school. The reality is that your power to effect change in this situation is limited.

You are doing all that you can do. The idea that you are doing everything within your power and yet problems still arise is a very helpless feeling but that is the reality of the situation.

Despite your very difficult upbringing, you managed to move out of your home and begin college. This is evidence of your resiliency.

I hope that your family situation improves but the reality is it might not. It’s important that you brace for this very real possibility. It’s never easy to be faced with these types of situations. It’s akin to watching a car wreck in slow motion. It’s unbearable to watch, especially when you realize that no matter how much you want to help your loved ones, there’s little or nothing you can do. For those reasons, I would encourage you to begin counseling. Counseling could assist you in determining your role in the family. It could also provide much-needed emotional support. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

My boyfriend believes im taking him for granted. We both moved from our place in AZ to chicago(him) and boston(me), due to economical issues. Our priorities are different, his is money mine is school. Im currently unemployed looking for a job and im in school fulltime, he is working and taking care of both of our needs, he feels im taking him for granted because my main priority is school and not work and he is working for both of us. he is asking me to quit school so i can find a full time job and move to chicago with him. i dont want to quit school, and i try to show him i appreciate what hes doing for me, but its not enough for him, he feels the only way for me to show him i care is by getting a job, and quitting school, but i dont want to do that, school is important to me, were both young, 22yrs old and i feel now is the time to go to school, he doesnt want to go to school and have a job, he thinks its impossible. HELP!!

A: I’m not at all sure that you and your boyfriend can bridge these differences. Your priorities in life are so different and he is supporting you in something he doesn’t believe in. You two don’t have mutual goals or a mutual understanding about how to meet them.. I worry that your boyfriend is giving you an ultimatum rather than working with you to come up with a mutually agreeable solution.

You are not “taking advantage.” There are many couples where one is working on education and the other is working for pay. Some of these couples take turns going to school and working to support the couple. In couples where one person is more invested in school, some working partners see their doing the paid work as “investing” in the future of the couple. Presumably your education will eventually result in a higher salary for you. The problem in your relationship is that your boyfriend can’t expand his vision to see your education as a contribution to your mutual future.

Your financial dependence on your boyfriend is confusing the issues between you. I think you need to find another way to support your schooling. Talk to the financial aid counselor at your college. See if there are work-study options or grants to help you. If you are attending a very expensive school, you might want to do your freshman and sophomore years at a community college to cut down expenses. Boston is a very, very expensive city to live in. You might want to consider going to one of the community colleges that is in central or western Massachusetts and take a part-time job to manage your living expenses. Many students manage with school loans and part-time work.

Once you are financially independent of your boyfriend, you could see if the two of you can make a go of it. If he isn’t your biggest fan in your pursuit of your goals and you don’t respect his choices, he may not be the guy for you. If, however, you can each be in loving support of the other as you both launch yourself into full adulthood, you may be able to make the relationship work.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost a year known him 10 yrs. He lives in Cleveland, I live in Columbus. He is a workaholic. He travels for his job, I rarely get to see him because all he does is work. His job is in the medical field, he makes a great deal of money which is great because he can have nice things for himself but never can have a social life. The problem is the communication. It is so bad. Yesterday on facebook he commented on his friends status that he is in Vegas for a medical convention. He didn’t even tell me he was going to Vegas. I asked him about it and he told me it was last minute. He apologized and I told him you need to prove to me that you want to be with me and want to move forward. Also, he is wanting me to move in with him, since he is never home I’m not sure if this will work out. He is fighting for me hard considering I have told him maybe we shouldn’t be together and he has said no I will improve. He said he does care and blah blah blah. My friends think he is a flake but I truly do care for this man and do see a future with him regardless of him working all the time or not. Please help!

A. This seems to be more serious than just a communication problem. You and he are not close. You may officially be a couple but you interact more as acquaintances than close companions. His friends know more about his whereabouts than you do.

I’m concerned about the fact that you “see a future with him regardless of him working all the time or not.” It’s like saying “I don’t care if he changes or not, I’m pursuing this relationship anyway.” You shouldn’t be so willing to stay in a relationship, regardless of the circumstances.

Moving in with him will not solve this problem. It could make it worse and create feelings of resentment and disappointment.

It’s important that you see the relationship as it is and not how you wish it would be or hope it would be. “Workaholics” prioritize work over all aspects of their lives. It is a choice that he has made. Your boyfriend has chosen to pay more attention to his career than to your relationship. His actions speak volumes. If he is committed to ensuring the success of your relationship, then it must take priority over his work.

Until he sorts out his priorities, I would strongly advise against moving in with him. You should only move in with him if you’re satisfied with the direction of the relationship. If you continue to struggle with the relationship and how to proceed, consider psychotherapy. Relationship issues are one of the most common reasons people begin therapy. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I’ve taken the sites PD tests and got 38 on borderline, 23 on narcissist and 15 on psychopath. I’m having trouble building up courage to see a professional. But I was hoping for advice. I’m embarrassed if it is BPD as that’s a female disorder mainly?

I’ve been told this a numerous amount of times, more so these past years in my adulthood. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s prob best if I just say it anyway…

emotions
I get severe mood swings. This may be depression or anger. I rarely feel happiness. Usually this comes from comments other people make, even if they mean it as banter. I am often get drunk on vodka and coke the night before work purely because of a comment someone said in which they probably wouldn’t think twice of it. I get very angry at times and I need to bottle it in or I’d probably lose my job. I get depressed over slight comments of my appearance or attitude. I’ve “laughed” but I’ve never been “happy” or have I loved someone. I don’t even love my family, they were horrible to me and I hate how my little sister gets 30+ likes on a profile picture. I get very jealous easily usually when people are talking to each other.

need to be accepted
I feel the need to be accepted all the time. I will get depressed or angry if I get a vibe that someone doesn’t like me. Of course, often enough I find people do like me and I’m just being paranoid. I will sometimes make up lies, such as being a champion boxer or such just to make myself feel better. I will interact in all conversations and I need to be in the convos. If I’m left out, I feel depressed that they are leaving me out when they prob not. To make myself feel better, I need attention on things such as POF. I crashed my car and pretended someone else crashed into me, I did this so I wouldn’t feel embarrassed. I’ve told people I’m a doctor before and everyone believed my lies of good jobs and such. I tell people my secrets and get depressed when they don’t tell me there’s.

paranoia
I get very paranoid about the stupidest things. I will think my friends are against me when in reality they are not. I think people dislike me all the time and talk about me behind my back. I also get paranoid for stupid reasons such as if I said the wrong thing, losing my job. I also get paranoid that people don’t think I look good. I need reassurance a lot that I look good.

I… lack empathy and sympathy?
If someone I know is hurt, I rarely feel anything. I try to pretend to care but sometimes it’s painfully obvious. I just don’t see how I can care if I wasn’t there and I wasn’t involved in anyway. My grandfather died and I forced myself to cry for example. I haven’t always been void of empathy… I swear I had it as a kid. But it was adulthood when I realised, the only time I was “upset” was for myself. I never felt anything when other people were hurt or upset. I actually acknowledged it.

personality
People have told me I’m “very cocky”. I don’t see how this is though. I feel stupidly shy around people at times. For example, today I didn’t really know what to say to some girl I really like. Though, this same girl accuses me of being “very cocky”. Other people joke with her, but when I joke with her and laugh, she gets offended.

Despite this, I am a peoples person. I have tons of people on facebook and I make sure to go out in town and interact with people as much as possible. I have friends and I try to see them as much as possible.

I get depressed but I try to hide this behind a smile. I have very few hobbies and I get bored of things easily. I buy a new game for example and buy a new one afterwards.

relationships
I feel lonely and I want one I think. Though, when I get a girlfriend I don’t feel bothered nor the need to put any effort into it. In a way, I just want sex. I’ve had numerous partners but they don’t last long (some unprotected). If people are clearly attracted and interested in me, I grow distant.

My friendships is built around jealousy, paranoia and need for attention. One time I pretended to black out and scream at a friend because he was with a girl I liked. I then pretended within seconds I didn’t remember a thing. I wasn’t interested in the girl, I wanted to feel good about myself. I also feared losing my friend.

I sometimes use my friends for selfish needs. For example I will bring good looking friends out to attract girls, then I will go for the girls. I do this by mocking my friends.

I’ll note that despite my paranoia and stuff, I do have people talking to me a lot and despite my problems I always try to have a happy face and happy personality façade.

A. I’m not certain if you have a personality disorder. However, it seems clear that you are suffering. At the heart of the problem may be a lack of self-esteem. Abraham Maslow’s theory of human development and motivation explains that individuals who never felt loved attempt to fulfill that need in adulthood. It’s a constant search for external validation.

In your life, it seems as though you are continuously searching for external validation from others. You need to know that they approve of you. Any evidence of their disapproval bothers you. The idea that someone may not like you has even led you to drink to the point that you could have lost your job. That hypersensitivity is evidence that the opinion of others very much matters to you and controls your life.

Ideally, you should be immune to the opinion of others. It shouldn’t matter what other people think about you. Psychologically healthy people, those who do not lack self-esteem, feel good about themselves. They are not overly confident or cocky, they simply believe in themselves and their abilities.

Psychotherapy would greatly benefit you. It would give you the opportunity to analyze your life and also determine what specifically is making you unhappy. A psychotherapist can also analyze your interpersonal skills, evaluate your interactions with others and teach you how to properly meet your needs. Many people who have undergone psychotherapy report that it has significantly improved their lives. Psychotherapists are trained to deal with the very problems with which you struggle.

Finally, gaining a diagnosis can be useful in determining what treatment options one should pursue but psychiatric diagnosis is not an exact science. What’s most important is receiving the best available help to improve the quality of your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I was injured in a back country horse back riding incident in October of 2009. I fractured my pelvis on both sides. I went from being very active to living in pain until recently. I found out that a have Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction and Piriformis Syndrome. I am now on Gabapentin and taking a round of steroids which seem to be helping I will also be starting physical therapy next week however I have suffered with this for over 3 years and have felt some depression and sadness over the time. I have had trouble adjusting to my limitations. I have guilt feelings due to my inability to work and help pay my share of the household bills. My son, his wife and 4 children live with us. I try to do my part by keeping the house clean cooking and taking care of the children ages 16, 12, 11, and 7. Yes they pay their part. How can I overcome my sadness in trying to adjust to this?

A: You are asking a great deal of yourself. Of course you have some depression. Chronic pain and the limitations that come with it will do that to a person. I’m impressed that you are engaged in your treatment and that you continue, rightfully, to be hopeful.

I worry that your guilt over being currently disabled is making you push yourself too hard. The body needs rest in between therapy treatments to heal. Do confer with your physical therapist about how much stress you should be putting on your body while you recover.

I do hope that your adult son, his wife and his kids are pitching in with the cooking and cleaning. You shouldn’t expect yourself to be the resident homemaker because you aren’t working for money right now – nor should they all expect you to be. It’s part of being a family to help each other out during challenging times. You would do as much for them. It’s healthy for kids to have regular chores and to have to do some extra tasks when someone is hurt or ill. It teaches them compassion and it prepares them to be competent adults. Even the 7-year-old can contribute by helping to set and clear the table and by making her or his own bed. It would be a positive role model for the kids for your son to do some of the cooking and cleaning. Young people now expect both genders to have homemaking skills.

You can make an equal contribution by reading to the little one and perhaps helping to oversee homework for the others. Giving the kids individual attention is just as important as cleaning house.

You’ve got a big family. As my grandmother used to say, “Many hands make light work.” Your focus needs to be on getting better, both physically and emotionally.

I wish you well in your healing.
Dr. Marie

Son being content with no outside life ;no work no friends does not go anywhere/ He was diagnosed at 18 with schizophrenia.. he could not hold a job down.. he self medicated got caught went to prison and since prison no meds he is quite content just exercising and listening to head phones..he thinks when his parole is over he can in the army my fear is… Is that going to make him finally realize he is sick or will it cause him to go back to psychosis or depression ..I am just trying to prepare myself..

A. He may want to join the army but if he’s actively symptomatic he may not be eligible. At this point, it’s unclear what will happen to your son. Without more information, it is difficult to know.

Generally speaking, among individuals with schizophrenia, changes in life circumstances can trigger psychotic episodes. For instance, a death in the family, moving, beginning college, and other stressful situations have been associated with an increased likelihood of psychotic episodes among individuals with schizophrenia. Not taking medication can also increase the likelihood of psychotic episodes.

Many people with schizophrenia live successful, productive lives but it is a struggle. Given his diagnosis, and his refusal to take medication, he is at risk for psychosis. Individuals with schizophrenia who do not participate in treatment have more psychotic episodes than individuals with schizophrenia who actively participate in treatment. In that regard, you should be prepared for the possibility that he will have additional problems.

Continue to encourage him to accept treatment. It would also be advantageous to connect with others who have schizophrenic family members. People in similar situations can provide emotional support and may be able to share strategies to help with your son. You should also educate yourself about the disorder. I would highly recommend the book “I’m Not Sick I Don’t Need Help” by Xavier Amador, and other similar materials. The book might help you to better understand why your son refuses treatment and what you can do to help. If I may be of additional assistance, please don’t hesitate to write again. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I lost my job last September and haven’t had one since. I was enjoying the time off for a while, but then found out I was pregnant a few months later. I didn’t resume looking for work because my pregnancy has been considered high-risk due to previous miscarriages. I did not want to jeopardize this pregnancy by working. My boyfriend and I lost our house b/c it was in serious disrepair and we are now staying with my boyfriend’s uncle in a 1 bedroom house. I don’t have my car b/c it won’t pass inspection and we don’t have the money to get it fixed. My boyfriend works all day almost every day and hates it. I sit at home and do nothing. He hates that too, and so do I. It causes arguments between us and I feel so tense all the time, like I should be doing something, but I have no clue what to do with myself. I feel expected to do things, but without being able to work, I feel incredibly unproductive and useless. Can you provide helpful suggestions for overcoming this situation? I’m worried that it will ruin my relationship eventually.

A: At 23, you have more troubles than anyone should at any age. I’m so very sorry. I hope you and your boyfriend and the uncle all agree that the most important thing you can do right now is take care of yourself so you will have a healthy baby. It may seem like the pregnancy is lasting forever but it will end. That I can promise. In the meantime, there are things you can do to contribute to the family and to get ready for the next stage in your lives.

Your boyfriend works all day so doesn’t have the time, especially in business hours, to look for the practical help that may be available for you. You wrote to us so either you have a computer or you use one at the library. Go online and look into such help as fuel assistance, food stamps, and rent subsidies. Find out if you are eligible to use the local food pantry. Look into what kind of medical care is available for you and the coming baby. In short, find out what your community offers people like yourselves who are in a bad way through no fault of their own. The economy has put lots of people in the same boat. You may find that there is more help out there than you think.

In addition, you could go online and take some online classes in order to improve your skills so you are more employable once the baby is born. You don’t need to spend thousands on college courses. Anything that adds to your knowledge about your field of work will help you build a more impressive resume. Just type “free online courses” in the search box of your browser and you’ll find hundreds of interesting classes.

If your computer skills aren’t the best, put in some time to practice such things as using the basic Microsoft Office programs and Photoshop. Having more skills may help you get a better job when you are ready to do so. In addition, look into whether your community has free classes you can take.

You may be “benched” while you wait for your baby but even people on the bench can help improve the team’s situation or better themselves. Schedule part of every day to be productive and you will both make a contribution and feel better about yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My parents had a big fight last month. They didn’t talk to each other until around two weeks ago. However, it looks like they didn’t really reconcile. They barely talk to each other at home but in public they act like they’re okay. Last week, they started sleeping in separate beds. I begged my mom to try and instigate a dialogue with my dad about their problematic marriage. However, she just went on complaining about my father and then told me that I should talk to my father and tell him her complaints about him. I didn’t do it because I can’t bear hearing the both of them tell me how much they hate each other. Now I feel guilty about it and have been crying almost every night. We used to be a happy family and now we don’t even talk during meals. Every time both my parents are in the same room, I get nervous that they might get into another fight.

A: You were wise to refuse to become the mediator in your parents’ problems. Even at 25, you are still their child. You love and are loyal to them both. It was unfair of your mother to try to put you in the middle. It’s unfair for both of them to be complaining to you about the other. It would be detrimental to your relationship with each of your parents if you were to try to step in.

Your parents’ relationship is between the two of them. You can’t fix it. All you can do is tell them that you do love them both, that you miss the way things were, and that you wish they would stop fighting and would get the counseling they obviously need. If their problems could be solved by fighting, they would have figured it out by now. Tell them, as calmly and lovingly that you can, that if they start to complain to you about each other, you will simply leave the room. It’s possible that if they don’t have someone to complain to, they will have to deal with each other directly.

I’m very sorry for your loss of the family you remember as being happy. It is very, very sad for everyone. But you really do need to let them work it out on their own. At your age, you have plenty of other things to keep you busy. The task of the early 20s is to find a career that satisfies you, good friends to hang out with, and someone to love.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend of 8 years cheated 6 years ago and i just found out. I found out from one of his old friends. When I approached him about it he denied it. Finally he admitted it but said it only happened one time and he regretted it.

I don’t understand how he kept it from me for 6 years. We now have a 4 year old child and he has a son that is 12 and i have raised him since he was 3. I’m finding it hard to make a decision on whether or not I should leave him.

He has been without a job for 4 years now and hasn’t really made a attempt to get one either. Never really has been able to keep a steady job our entire relationship.

A: He didn’t bring it up because he was hoping you’d never find out and he wouldn’t have to deal with it. It wasn’t an honest choice but I can understand how, with each passing day, he thought maybe it didn’t have to come up.

If he has been a good partner and father for the last 6 years, you have reason to forgive him and to move on. But – I’m also hearing that you aren’t happy about his lack of employment. He hasn’t had a job since you your child was born? What’s that about? Yes, the economy has made it hard for lots of people but you also say he hasn’t kept a job ever. Since you brought it up, I’m guessing it’s not really okay with you.

Maybe your current distress about long ago cheating is a way you are telling yourself that your life together isn’t what you think it should be. Think hard about whether the choices you’ve made still make sense to you. If not, it’s time to have a very honest talk with your boyfriend about where this relationship is going. Perhaps you want to renegotiate expectations.

At 30 years old, you two aren’t kids. You know what the responsibilities of adult life and parenting are. Let this be an opportunity to think about what is and isn’t working for you both and to make some important changes.

I wish you well.

Dr., Marie

I have dated my boyfriend for 2 years. He is 20 years old and is the same age as me. We never really had the dating situation, we just moved in together. He moved in with me at our home town. Now we are living across Canada together so he can work.

While we were home for Christmas he took off on me for a week. He went to his mother’s and didn’t answer my phone calls or texts. I was going crazy, I didn’t know what I did and I became very sick. I was puking 3 times a day, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and was just so confused and devastated. I then got a text from him saying he thought we should be done and how we fought all the time and he didn’t think we should be together.

During this week he hung out with another girl. She is 18 years old.. well after the week was up he came back up to my home town and explained he wanted me back and how he loved me. He cried and I told him I didn’t trust him since he just took off on me and then was with her??? He told me they only hung out once and that they were just friends. I BELIEVED HIM..
so here I am back out west 52 hr drive away from my hometown. and I find text messages on his phone with her. He had called her babe and vise versa.. they hung out several times, and he told her he liked her and he basically tried to get in her pants BIG TIME. I confronted him about the messages and he tells me “nothing happened”.So now I know I’m dating a liar
Do you think he will change and not do something like this again? We have a place together, a dog and our own life. I don’t understand what he was thinking. This guy has done everything for me, if i need help financially he helps me, I don’t have a vehicle but he has given me one to use. Without him i would have to move back into my mothers and figure my life out. There is no work where my mom lives because it’s such a small town.

I have no one really since I have been out west for 8 months my friends from home have all moved on with their lives. My father has a drug and addiction problem and constantly is asking me for $, he also cheated on my mom a lot until i begged her to leave him. Why is it that this guy I’m with cheated on me and I can’t seem to let him go???? Do you think he will ever change??

A: The two of you didn’t date, grow into love, and then decide to have a future together. Instead, you kind of slid into living together – without talking about what it meant to each of you. At Christmas, he acted out his ambivalence about whether he is really ready to be in a committed relationship and cheated. This was neither mature nor caring. A question at this point is whether he is with you because he found out that he really does love you or if he got scared about the idea of putting himself back into the dating scene and is back to you because you are familiar.

Meanwhile, you seem to be in the relationship primarily because you don’t know what else to do and don’t see options for yourself. In addition, you have grown up observing your mother put up with cheating and addiction. In a sad way, you too may be opting for the familiar instead of putting yourself out there to find someone who you can love whole-heartedly. Unless you do some solid personal work, you could end up living some version of your mother’s life.

Although you and your boyfriend have been good friends for each other, neither of you seems to be ready to make the unconditional, loving commitment that living together and making a life requires.

Please consider taking a big step back. There are worse things than going back to live with your mom for awhile (like spending the next 10 years with the wrong person). If you can’t find work, it may be because you don’t have the education or experience you need. If that’s the case, figure out what to do about it. Get some schooling or do some volunteer work or an internship to make yourself more marketable. You might check back with counselors at your old high school to get some ideas.

Canada is a big place. There are good schools and good opportunities throughout the country. You don’t need to be stuck in a shaky relationship to make your way in the world. As you said, you need to figure yourself out.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I started dating my current boyfriend of two years right after I graduated college. He is a bit older than I. He is established with his career and has been very clear since we started dating that he has no plans or desires to ever leave the town he lives in. I understand that he doesn’t want to leave because he has his career here. I was fine with this when we started dating, but now that I am maturing, figuring out who I am and trying to figure out what career field I want. I feel trapped, I want to explore and travel and maybe live in another city. But he would never consider it. I want to be with him but I feel like I am being closed off to so much potential by “promising” to stay in my hometown forever. If I ever bring up wanting to expand my horizons he gets angry and defensive. Am I in the wrong? I can’t fight this gut feeling to expand outside of my hometown.

A. For many people, it would be difficult to move to a new town and reestablish their careers. Depending on the type of career, it may be impossible. Business owners, for example, often establish themselves in a particular town and “make a name” for themselves. If they were forced to move, they may never be able to reestablish their careers.

For others, they might have to move to a new area, because that would be the only location to find employment. They may not want to move but they realize that if they didn’t they could not work.

You entered into this relationship with the full knowledge that your boyfriend had no plans on moving. Now you have changed your mind. You did not state where you wanted to move and why. Based on your letter, it does not seem as though you have a particular area that you liked to move to. You simply don’t like the idea that you cannot move, in the event that you would want to.

The old saying “the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fence” may accurately represent what you’re feeling. That saying essentially means that often circumstances seem more desirable, even though in reality they are not.

Healthy relationships are based on much more important factors than location. Perhaps you’re not outgrowing the town but in fact you are outgrowing the relationship. You have to decide whether or not this is a relationship that you want to continue. Consider consulting a therapist if you have difficulty making that determination.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I am going to see a psychiatrist on the 22nd of Jan: Well I am just wondering what you think, I have been denying I have had any mental illness for some time, but my girlfriend of eight years and her mother have stated my symptoms are progressively getting worse, I decided to open up usually like when I get in trouble with the law I don’t say a word about any instabilities I have not wanting or warranting any persecution, but I normally do not like leaving my home all though my job required me to do so I am blessed to have my own business which I am surrounded by dogs, everyone I meet someone I know they think I’m a freak, I already know they can care less about what I say I hate venturing outside I have this sensation I’m always being watched I even go in the back and I hear both of them laughing possibly at my instabilities, I can go on but I don’t want to make anyone mad I think that’s about 300 words I just want to know if I have any symptoms in particular or if its a waste of time and money to go thank you.

A. No, it’s not a waste of time or money. If you are a home dweller because you work from home and have little reason to leave your home then, I would not see this as a problem. However, it seems as though the reason you won’t leave your home is because you are overly concerned about what people think of you. You also feel as though you’re being watched and that people are laughing at you. In the latter instance, the reasons you won’t leave your home may be indicative of paranoia, which is a significant mental health concern.

Paranoia is not a normal, everyday occurrence. It is associated with mental health disorders such as paranoid personality disorder. The main features of paranoid personality disorder include a pervasive pattern of distrust, suspiciousness of others and feelings of persecution. It is possible that you have paranoid personality disorder but only an in-person, in-depth mental health evaluation would provide that determination.

As I described above, the reason you won’t leave your home is what matters most. In your case, it seems as though it is paranoia that is keeping you confined to your home and thus may indicate the presence of a mental health disorder. It would be prudent to make an appointment with a mental health professional, report your symptoms and participate in the recommended treatment. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I am unemployed since past 4 months, my previous company got shut down and this happened before as well with me. I was working as a Recruiter with a US Recruitment Firm but they closed there branch here in Mumbai due to Management shortfall. I am feeling clueless and confused about my career. I did figure out certain options that I would like to pursue further but I feel I can’t do it now. I am falling short of Money to invest in a course. But Recruitment does not excites me anymore, or any job which is target orientated.

I had Graduated in Advertising (B.M.M) and I did not wanted to pursue career in Advertising since I felt I am not capable enough of handling the pressure related to erratic work life balance and I thought I am not a good fit for that job. I pursued a distance learning course in HR but that did not help me much in getting a job. I feel I have taken wrong decisions in life and it drives me more crazy.I am losing my confidence and hope in life. I am sick of constantly having to change my job every year. Please Help.

A: It is clear from your writing that you have a great deal of resilience and determination. This is sometime referred to as grit – the ability to persevere when there are obstacles. You goal of a regular career is a good one and my encouragement now is not to try to find the perfect career, but allow yourself a while to experiment with a few different jobs. One of the biggest errors people make is trying to make a decision about their career when they have only had a few experiences. Think about what would be exciting for you to do and talk to people who work in that industry. Network with them. Take a course that interests you. You are looking for something that will be a draw— a pull, not a push. Begin your quest for something that will delight and excite you, This will help the struggle for a career that seems more like a quest or a calling. You are young and have some time now. Find out what inspires you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have no will to interact with other people, no will to do anything.
I’m 26, I sleep all day. I have 3 misdemeanor convictions that are keeping me from finding a job. I’ve lost everything, including respect for any positive thinking and myself. I don’t want to do anything or see anyone anymore. I dream about being in a dark cave lost in some wilderness all-alone, and it’s a good feeling.

A: The symptoms you are describing point to the need to talk to a professional about trying some things to feel better. The lack of desire to do things and the drive toward isolation all point strongly to making the effort to talk to someone. The find help tab at the top of the page will direct you to someone in your area that can help. You have already taken the first courageous step by writing us here. Now take the next step and connect with someone who will be able to get you back on track.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral