I have come to the realization that I was raped at 12 or 13. Didn’t know up until about a year ago. I have been given a diagnosis of major depressive and borderline personality disorder. It affected the way I treated children, who are now adult. I am overwhelmed with feelings of guilt.

A: I am so sorry that you have had to learn about this event in your life. But this is the time to reach out for therapy. They have been many advances in the treatment of repressed memories and trauma. Please choose the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page to locate a therapist who can be of help. The guilty feelings are understandable but what is most important right now is to find ways to relieve yourself of the burden of the reaction to this memory. There are some new treatments that may be helpful such as EMDR, which is specifically designed to help people who have had trauma in their lives.

Finally, I appreciate your courage and readiness here and hope your therapy will help you cope with the pain of these memories.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My 8 year old adopted daughter has had 4 different therapists including neurotherapy. She has yet to have someone really diagnose or help us with exactly her problems. She was adopted at 2 years old and spent the first 2 years of her life being seriously neglected and abused.

Up to this point we have treated each behavior problem individually but recently my husband and I realized they are ALL connected. She exhibits a disconnected behavior from her mind/body. In that she doesn’t seem to care if she is uncomfortable or in pain. She urinates herself at night but also daily. She doesn’t seem to care and yesterday even walked around with feces in her panties. She will wear her pants backwards and will not tell an adult if she is hurt. She will not wipe her face or complain of bad smells. She would sit in the bath and burn herself if the water was too hot rather than complain or try to get out of the bath. She seems to have very little conscience when it comes to other people’s feelings.

One therapist diagnosed her with RAD and another with ADD. She is very manipulative and passive aggressive. My question is without knowing all the other details what type of mental disorder(s) would cause a mind/body disconnect? She seems to not feel pain physically or mentally. She can feel physical pain but does not react to it in a normal way. Please help!

A: How very, very sad. I agree that everything you are observing is connected. What concerns me beyond the lack of reaction to pain is the apparent regression to very primitive behavior.

It is indeed possible that she has reactive attachment disorder. When a child doesn’t have the nurturing and care they need when very little, the child doesn’t have a model for caring, for self-care and for socially normative behavior.

Unfortunately, it’s also possible that your daughter has another mental disorder. Autism, intellectual disability, childhood disintegrative disorder and childhood schizophrenia all include some of the symptoms you describe. That’s just to hazard a few guesses.

Without a clear diagnosis, therapy can’t be helpful. The therapist doesn’t know what should be treated. I urge you to take your daughter to a medical facility that specializes in childhood psychiatric problems. First, she should be thoroughly checked for any medical condition that may be contributing to her behavior. Then she needs to be screened by specialists in childhood psychiatry.

Having a chronically ill or mentally ill child is as stressful as it gets. I hope you and your husband are also getting help for yourselves. Ask your doctor for information about support groups for parents. Often other parents are the best source of information, support and practical help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My 4 year old suffered neglect and abuse from birth to age 2.5. She has been in therapy for over a year. I am afraid she and her brother (6) have been programmed by therapy. My children are both very happy kids until therapy. For an hour before our in-home therapist came over, the kids were drawing very happy, family oriented drawings and artwork. As soon as the therapist got here, they started drawing sad faces and monsters… I wonder if they think they are expected to behave a certain way when the therapist is here… My 4 year old’s behavior following the out of home play therapist is completely out of control. She goes to therapy once per week. Following that therapist visit, she throws tantrums and has extremely defiant behavior for 3 to 4 days. Then for the rest of the week she is fine until therapy day comes around again. I wonder, if she is too young for therapy or if she is programmed to behave this way… (unintentionally of course) but it is just strange how it happens. Thank you so much.

A: Your astute observations are very important to bring to your in-home therapist. Any pattern of behavior for young children s important to note, and this is a good reflection to discuss. There can be many factors influencing this, but the key will be to have an open dialogue with the therapist as you experiment with different ways to help. We don’t want the process to be part of the problem.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

When I was in 2nd grade, I was molested by the grandfather of a neighbor, who was a couple years older than me. I don’t remember all the specifics of what happened with him, but I do remember sitting on his leg while not wearing any bottoms. I remember worrying about what we were doing was wrong and saying this to him. He replied that I shouldn’t worry, his granddaughter did this with him all the time. She wasn’t a particularly good friend, but at the time I thought horrible things about her and blamed her for it.

Now, years later, I know this isn’t my fault and I was just a child. But I have no much guilt for not telling anyone because I might have been able to help the granddaughter. At the time, I hated because of it, and now looking back on it, she was probably a victim as well.

I’m in therapy and keep trying to bring this up, but my biggest fear is that she’ll say something that absolves me of this guilt. I feel like my whole world is dedicated to helping children, because I didn’t help this one girl and I don’t feel I deserve closure or forgiveness.

A: Please do bring it up. Unlike most people who feel guilty, you are taking action to make the world a better place. Too often, guilt is a substitute for action. You are transforming a terrible experience into motivation to do something meaningful and useful. That was such a wise and important decision for your own growth as well as for the kids you are helping.

As for the forgiveness part: Please remember that you were only 7 years old at the time. I want you to look around the next time you are at a mall and spot the 7-year-olds. Look at how little and innocent they really are. Kids that age believe the grownups! They have to. They are dependent on the adults.

You were just like them — little, dependent, confused and scared. You knew something was wrong but you also thought you were powerless to stop a big person who was in control. You did what most little kids do: You looked for a way to feel less out of control so you blamed it on someone your own size. That felt more manageable.

It’s long past time for forgiving that little girl who was you. You would do the same for any other little girl who was scared, confused, and upset. Why won’t you do it for yourself?

Please take your letter and this response to your next session. You can continue doing your good work without the burden of unearned guilt for something that happened 27 years ago.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Well I get bullied like CRAZY people throw apples at my head on the bus i get called a whale, useless, SPED (i am not special),ranga, faggot and most of the things you could think of.
My parents have told me they wish i was never born and even they call me useless and things makes me feel worthless because our parents should love us and care. When i tell my mother about being bullied she tells me to just learn to deal with it because she doesnt care my dad doesnt either.
I have a teacher at school i have been wanting to talk to but i get too scared she has asked me a few times if i was okay and what was wrong but i just say the usual im fine but im not im dying inside and it is starting to show on the outside.
So i mainly need help with telling my teacher EVERYTHING but im more scared about the home thing because i cant stand it much longer. it is school holidays for two weeks we are only three days in and im already going crazy :(
Thanks

A: I am so, so very sorry that you are being tormented at school and not supported at home. Sadly, not every kid gets the parent she deserves. You aren’t getting the love and the protection you need. You are not wrong to be angry and sad about it. But I’m sorry to say that you can’t make people love you who have big problems with loving. I wrote an article for kids like you that you might find helpful. Click here to read it.

When parents aren’t able to do what they should, it’s important to find other adults who care. You already have a teacher who is concerned. If you are too shy to talk to her directly, you could give her a copy of your letter and this response. She won’t be able to make your parents do what they should but she may be able to help you sort things out at school. If she can help you feel safe in school, you’ll have at least one place where you can grow into the mature and competent person you are meant to be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

It came to my attention that my daughter (almost 17) was playing around with my husband (stepdad). They were poking, kicking, etc – just playing. She got up, went to the bathroom, took off her bra, came back to where he was and proceeded to take his hand and put it up her shirt onto her breast. The lines between the two of them have been blurred for quite some time. She has often acted like a jealous girlfriend – for example, she would get angry if he wanted to sit next to me or take me out instead of sitting next to her or taking her to the batting cages. I have repeatedly talked to them both to no avail. Now this happened – not once, but twice. They’ve apologized. I have other children – including one with him. I have no income of my own or family to run to to just up and leave. And I’m just not sure what to do. We’ve been together for 13 years. I blame her for being so provocative with him (something she does not display around here), but I blame him exponentially more. He didn’t tell me, he lied to me about it, he could have acted like a parent and said this is wrong, or even used his strength to not allow his hand to go there. Instead, he claimed that he got freaked out, squeezed her breast and said boop! Help!

A: This is very, very serious. You say the boundaries have been blurred for quite some time. Maybe what you are interpreting as jealous and provocative behaviors are your daughter’s efforts to tell you in the only way she can to wake up! Your husband is not drawing appropriate boundaries. It may be that he has been molesting her. It may be that he has threatened or bribed her to keep quiet about it.

You keep talking to the two of them as if they are equals in the situation. They are not. She is your child. He is a man who is supposed to be keeping her safe. He may be justifying his behavior on the grounds that he is not related biologically to her but he is her stepfather, not her boyfriend. One slip in the boundaries is perhaps a “mistake.” More that once? Please! You are in serious denial.

Your daughter needs help, not talk. In your state, sexual abuse is defined as when a parent or other adult uses a child under age 18 for sexual gratification. Your husband should be reported to Child Protective Services at 855-GA-CHILD . That’s easier said than done, I know, especially since you feel dependent on him. For that reason, I suggest you first call your state’s 24-Hour Statewide Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-33-HAVEN. Although you may not think of yourself as being a victim of domestic violence, your daughter certainly is. The counselors at the hotline can help you figure out how to keep everyone safe and how to manage without your husband, should that be necessary.

All of you — your daughter, you, and your husband — need counseling. Your daughter needs help sorting out what has been a confusing and abusive situation. If she has been manipulated or “brainwashed” to think her stepdad’s behavior is OK, she is especially vulnerable. You need emotional support as well as some practical help to keep your family secure and afloat during a difficult time. Since you husband can’t keep his hands to himself, he needs to leave until he has done some serious personal work. He must take responsibility for his behavior and he has to learn impulse control before he can be part of the family.

Please don’t let your fears prevent you from taking action. Your daughter, and your other children, need a tiger-mom right now. They deserve to feel safe from sexual abuse in their own home. If your daughter is to have a chance for a normal relationship with a partner someday, she needs you to get the family the help you all need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’m 21 and I was raped almost two years ago and every since I have had this obsession with rape. I read books about people being raped and watch movies with really graphic rape scenes and look up stuff about it on the web and watch anything with rape in it. i don’t know why and I feel like I am crazy because though those disturb me and me feel like I am reliving it or really queasy or sad, I can’t help but watch or read about it. I pick up anything that has to do with rape even though I can’t even speak about my own experience without freezing up or not being able to go any further. I have never even been able to discuss the full details with anyone because it feels like I am reliving it, I have nightmares about being raped and am scared of the dark. I talk to a therapist but it doesn’t seem to help. I can’t get rape off my mind. It is constantly there like a creepy obsession I can not get rid of. I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what I should do.

A: I am very sorry and sad that you had such a horrible experience. I’m very glad you wrote. Most people don’t know that what you are doing is one of the possible very normal “abnormal” responses to a traumatic situation. What you describe is your attempt to deal with the rape.

When little kids go through a trauma, we often see them replay the scene over and over again in the sandbox. They are not enjoying this kind of play. They are reenacting it in the unconscious hope that they can feel more in control of what happened or maybe make it come out differently. Adults like yourself obviously aren’t playing in a sandbox but by watching movies, reading about rape and going over and over it in your head, you are also trying to work it through.

It was worth a try but clearly it’s not working for you as a strategy for resolving your feelings. You go over and over it but you can’t tolerate talking about what actually happened. The “obsession” is your way of telling yourself that you need help to bump yourself out of this never-ending loop of thoughts and feelings about the rape. Please listen to the good advice you are trying to give yourself. Find a counselor who specializes in sexual abuse. Your counselor will be able to give you the support and advice you need to move beyond this terrible experience.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’ve considered the possibility of murder for many years now, starting with my father when I was around 8 (he was heavily psychologically and physically abusive to me, and I have vivid memories of watching him beating my mum and hearing him rape her from the next room) though admittedly I did not fully understand the implications of the actions at the time, but rather just wanted a release from the constant fear in which I lived.

These fantasies eventually developed to being about other people, and now I have them about random individuals I may know nothing about. If I see an attractive man or woman (I’m bisexual) I’ll often imagine what it would be like to choke them to death, or tie them up and kill them slowly using an range of devices, more often than simply gaining a desire to have sex with them. There have been times were I have sat for hours with these things playing out in my head, and I really would like help in repressing them.

The desire to kill is not always present, as I seem to go through cycles of the urges disappearing for up to a month, leading me to believe they are gone for good, before they return to be just as extreme as before. My suicidal thoughts come about in a similar fashion and usually start up around a similar time, though the two are seldom present at once.

I have an exiguous conscience, I cannot perform sexually unless the act involves some form of violence or aggression, and my empathy for other people is outstandingly limited. However, I would like to repress these urges I’ve been having, as I know my death would upset my mum and siblings (the only people I really care for; friends are just for amusement, I wouldn’t shed a tear if they all died tomorrow, and I’m claustrophobic so don’t like the idea of spending the rest of my life in a prison cell. It feels good to get this in the open, even if I have used an alias, but if you could provide me with any help on this matter it would be much appreciated. Just to clarify, I’ve no killed anybody up to this point. Thanks for reading. Side note: drinking blood and cannibalism are also things I’ve considered, though I believe they are more down to curiosity.

A. You have articulately described how you are feeling. The fact the you have decided to share these feelings, perhaps for the first time, is a positive sign. You’re acknowledging that they are a problem and that you would like help. I commend you on your willingness to be open and to consider seeking help.

As you’ve noted, if you were to kill someone, you could spend the rest of your life in prison. Prison life is horrendous. Claustrophobia could be the least of your problems. Have you read about what it’s like to live in a prison? If not, you should. Michael Santos just finished serving 25 years of a 45-year felony drug sentence. He’s written several books on what it was like to be in prison. He also spends a great deal of time writing on his blogs and on his Facebook page about that experience. Below are several excerpts from his book “Inside: Life Behind Bars In America:”

“The system would cage me within the forty-foot walls that surround the penitentiary alongside nearly three thousand men, many of whom never expect to leave prison. Those felons live without hope of anything better. Every prisoner in the penitentiary [is only ]whispers away from extortion attempts, from savage gang rapes, from bludgeoning and stabbings… Prisons remove hope. They create resentment. They thwart family relationships, degrade each individual’s sense of self, and separate offenders in every way from society…”

Most of the experiences in his book “Inside” could not be reproduced in my response because of their graphic nature. I would encourage you to read the book so you can see firsthand what life is like inside an American prison. It’s worse than most could imagine.

Depending on which state you live in, committing murder might also mean being sentenced to the death penalty. Your decision to end the life of another, or several others, could devastate the lives of many people. Should you carry out your desires, your actions could be immensely destructive. All religions condemn murder as an act of evil.

I would strongly encourage you to seek help from mental health professionals. It is your responsibility to attempt to control these admitted desires. A mental health professional could assist you in controlling your feelings, repressing your emotions, and providing you with the necessary skills to control your behavior. You should not attempt to deal with this problem on your own.

Your urges are likely related to a need for control. As a child you were abused and surrounded by abuse but you had no power to change it. Any love and kindness that you received was in an atmosphere of fear and danger. Your mother was beaten and raped by your father. The abuse filled your mind. These circumstances had negative effects upon your normal development.

You were a victim. You were an innocent victim. It was wrong, very wrong. It was horrendously wrong. Don’t do this to another. Don’t be guilty of the sins of your father by replicating his actions. Condemn his actions and do not allow yourself to be like him.

You haven’t hurt anyone. He is guilty. You are not. You are still the victim. The victim of your father’s sinful actions. A good therapist will end your father’s abuse. He or she will end the lingering effects of your father’s abuse. If you deliberately hurt another, then how are you different from your father? How can you condemn your father’s actions, if you willingly, deliberately do as he did?

It would be irresponsible to ignore this problem and simply hope that it will go away. This problem requires professional treatment. I hope that you will take my advice. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I want to be sure before I go to a doctor. My dad is abusive to my brother, I get bullied because I like rock music, and i have had other life events which make me want to cut myself and often think about suicide. I see and hear things that others don’t, I have sleep problems from being restless to having sleep paralysis/denationalization.I have self esteem issues and have many phobias from clowns to my own imagination. I have some small habits when i’m worried or nervous like picking at my skin on my thumb and cracking my knuckles. Please help me to find out what I can so and if I need help or not.

A. It sounds as though you want to be certain that seeing a doctor is warranted. I would say yes. You describe a number of psychological issues that are negatively affecting your life. You are contemplating cutting and often think about suicide. Those are not normal ways of thinking. People who cut or who have the desire to cut and those who contemplate suicide are often depressed. Cutting and thoughts of suicide are always indicators of someone who needs help.

Your other symptoms are also concerning. Sleep problems may be related to stress and anxiety. Your sleeping difficulties may be also be contributing to other problems, like hearing things that others don’t. Anxiety also seems to be a problem. Picking at your skin and cracking your knuckles are potential indicators of stress and anxiety.

You have much stress at home. Mishandling stress, over time, can cause many psychological problems. Counseling can help and it can help a lot. It can help you to properly handle and react to the stress you presently have and help to prevent the development of more serious issues.

I hope that you will seek the proper psychological help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I am coming to this site for a few reasons. My roommate and good friend is a psychology student. He fears that I may have some psychological issues that stem from a wide variety of childhood abuse I endured at a young age. Since I’m young and on my own, I can’t really afford professional help, but I don’t want to scare myself with information on the internet that doesn’t cater to my exact situation.

As a young child, I was sexually and physically abused by my father on a regular basis. My mother was also physically abusive towards me, but was in prison the majority of my childhood. My father abandoned me and I was left with my maternal grandparents when I was 9. They kind of let me do whatever, and weren’t abusive, but didn’t always see that my needs were met.

I never thought that in later years, these things would come back to haunt me. Through much of my teenage years I brushed off the negative feelings I had as “teen angst” and assumed it would eventually go away. Since the age of ten however, I have self-harmed, had issues with my body appearance, and even attempted suicide. I am always anxious, and more recently, I have began to have awful night terrors that wake me up in a sweat. It has been almost a decade, and these problems are taking a huge toll on me in my attempt to lead a normal adult life.

I’m not sure how to handle the pain I go through on a daily basis. I’m not sure whether any psychological problems could be the result of the abuse I endured either. I have told myself time and time again “I’ll get over it” or I felt stupid for feeling this way over things that happened over a decade ago. I never honestly thought it was a big deal. But with my roommate insisting that my childhood could be the cause of these symptoms I’m having, I thought I would ask a professional for help.

A. There is a good chance that the problems you are currently experiencing stem from your abusive childhood. Your childhood was characterized by abuse, neglect and abandonment. The very people who were supposed to love, care and protect you harmed you and abandoned you. Thankfully you had your grandparents who did the best they could but still fell short.

You stated that you feel “stupid” for feeling the way you do but you shouldn’t. What happened to you was not your fault. No one easily “gets over” an abusive childhood. Your formative years were damaged by your parents. Having had an abusive childhood does not mean that you are irreparably damaged. There is damage from childhood for many people, if not most. The degree of damage varies but nonetheless the damage must be corrected. Therapy is a corrective process.

If you’re in college, then in all likelihood you can receive free psychological services through the counseling center. It would be advantageous for you to see a therapist to deal with the psychological pain that is degrading your life. It would be ill-advised to ignore your psychological pain or attempt to deal with it on your own. Psychotherapists are trained to deal with the very problems with which you struggle. Seeking professional psychological help would be the most efficient way to deal with this problem. Many people who are in counseling are dealing with issues that stem from childhood. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

My therapist and I had an emotional and sexual affair for nearly a year. After her spouse found out about the affair, our relationship ended quickly. I was distraught and had a near fatal suicide attempt.

After some time, I’ve come to the realization the relationship was a huge mistake and ethical boundaries were crossed and broken. I am torn to whether I should report my ex therapist to the ethics board for license review. I threatened her with having her license revoked and she threatened me that she would reveal what we discussed in therapy to my husband in retaliation.

What should I do? This situation is causing me to constantly have suicidal thoughts and has made my mental state worse than ever. I can’t seem to get a grip and I don’t know the right the to do. I’m afraid to trust another therapist. What is my moral obligation to report the affair? I have proof of the affair with hundreds of emails that we exchanged. Please help me. I can’t take this anymore and have no one to talk to.

A: First let me say that I am so very sorry that your vulnerability and trust were betrayed in this therapeutic relationship. You reactions make sense to me, and I can certainly understand the struggle to trust a therapist again. I appreciate the trust you are putting in PsychCentral by writing us here.

What happened is wrong and not your fault. Therapists are bound by legal and ethical guidelines set by their profession and the first place I would look to the professional association that governs the type of therapist she is. Psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, licensed professional counselors, etc. all have separate associations that have guidelines for ethical behavior and client rights. I would call the proper agency, explain that you have a serious complaint, but also concerns about trust and the symptoms that you are having. They will give you options and procedures that you can follow.

This process usually requires a great deal of courage along with support. While I understand your hesitancy in trusting another therapist, I do believe there is a way to move forward with a measure of safety.

Since it is support you need I would look to join a therapy group in your area, either one run by a facility or a private practitioner with a decent reputation. In a group the other members of the group witness each member’s self-disclosure—as is the group therapist’s response. Just like your instinct to ask your question here—in a public forum — a group process begins to undo the secrecy and inhibition that often accompany this type of betrayal. You can find therapists in your area by looking at the find help tab at the top of the page.

Let me end where I began: What happened is wrong and not your fault. My sincerest hope is that you find the information, courage, and support you need to deal with this and grow through it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have known my girlfriend since November of last year. We are both very attached to each other. It started off great but after a month, sometime in December her step dad visited her and sexually abused her one night. She told me about this the Next day itself and I have been supporting her through this. She has taken several therapy sessions and tells me she is recovering and much better.
There is complete lack of intimacy. While I understand it is difficult and I have been understanding and supportive this has now stared to kill me. I don’t know what to do. I know a man should be patient but it really weighs down on me. I can’t leave her I love her too much.
Please help. Please.

A: Thank you for asking this question. Your sensitivity toward your new girlfriend is admirable and your concern makes sense. The difficult part of this is the fact that both the relationship and the traumatic incident are new – making it a difficult thing to manage because there are so many new feelings and features to the circumstances.

On the good news side I am very glad your girlfriend is in therapy discussing this horrendous act. My encouragement is to have her ask her therapist what his or her recommendation is for you. As I see it there are three therapeutic possibilities: The therapist and your girlfriend can invite you in for a session to help you understand the emotional landscape of coping with this type of trauma. Second, this may be an opportunity for you and your girlfriend to seek couples counseling for coping. Finally, the therapist might recommend you have your own therapy for a while. I think any of these possibilities are good — it really depends on how the situation unfolds.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I am a young boy. I listen to heavy metal (Ozzy Osborne and Marilyn Manson). I have a younger brother. My main problem is that I am very short (144cm) and everybody else in my age is tall, and I always think about become a king/emperor/leader and cutting off the legs of everybody who is taller than me so that they would be shorter. I cannot stop thinking about it, even in my dreams I always see blood and people without legs/people bowing down at my feet. I feel like all my “friends” secretly laugh at my height and that everybody hates me. My friends call me crazy sometimes. I also once almost killed my friend, when I was listening to music, I lost control of myself and I started strangling my best friend – I was stopped by another one of my friends and then I calmed down. My mother called me crazy for the first time when I smeared my whole face in my own blood. She thinks that I am mental and that I need to see a doctor. Am I really crazy or is it just “puberty”?

A. The behavior you describe is quite serious and not likely the result of puberty. The only way in which biology or puberty affects this situation is related to height. At 11 years old, you are “short” now but you will grow taller. Growth spurts among males typically occur between the ages of 10 and 15. Your height may not be fully determined until at least 16 or 17 years old, and maybe later.

I agree with your mother. It would be in your best interest to see a mental health professional. What’s most concerning is that you once lost control of yourself and attempted to strangle your best friend. It’s a definitive sign that you have the capacity to lose control and engage in violence. The concern is that such an event will happen again and you may seriously harm or kill another individual.

Tell your mother you wrote this letter and show her my response. Insist that she take you to see a mental health professional. Treatment can greatly assist you in learning how to cope with your emotions and to develop healthy behaviors. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I live in the UK. I constantly feel low and i have very little self-esteem. I suffered from sexual abuse as a child (3-5 ish) and i went to play therapy as a child but have not been to any type of counselling as an adult. my mum had a nervous breakdown when she found out about it and as a result her parenting to my older brothers was bad and resulted in them mixing with the wrong people and are both now heroin addicts and alcoholics. they blame my mum and i blame myself….if i had just kept it a secret they wouldn’t be that way now!
now that i am older i don’t really remember much from that time in my life except when i sometimes dream and then i dont know if what i am dreaming is real or just my imagination. i cant talk to my parents about that time in my life.
i used to be a really happy person, always up for having a laugh, going out with friends but now i feel like even when i smile its fake. i feel unhappy and like i have no friends any more. i feel lonely. i don’t even like the thought of being around people even when i am invited to do things i constantly come up with excuses not to go. i have pushed away people who i once considered good friends but the thought of doing anything about it frightens me.
if i hear about child abuse cases on the news i get really emotional and irritable with people and spend days/weeks thinking about what happened to me and getting frustrated because i cant remember all the details. i have trouble sleeping as well and usually get about 4-5 hours unsettled sleep a night. i sometimes have the urge to cut but always stop myself doing it. i think about what my family would say and realize how hard it would be to hide it, especially with my job.
i recently told a work friend about some of my childhood and she asked me why i work with children if that happened to me and now i feel like i would be judged for working with children if something is wrong. it made me question if i would ever be a danger to children or if that’s what people will think. i love kids and the thought of anything happening to the children i look after makes my stomach turn. i like my job but i don’t love it like i used too.
also someone who i work with who is a counsellor said she watched me have an anxiety attack when i was asked to do something i haven’t done before. i got really flushed and sweaty and my breathing went irregular. this does happen if im in a new or unfamiliar situation.
There is so much more i could talk about but im not sure how to put it into words. i dont know how to talk to a doctor about all this without feeling really silly and like im wasting their time.

A: First, and very important, the path your brothers have chosen is not, not, not your fault. Like many people who are troubled, your brothers cast about for someone to blame rather than take responsibility for their own choices. No one is “making” them be addicts. If they want to get sober, there are programs that can help them. Blaming doesn’t do a thing.

At least some of your distress may be because you aren’t getting enough regular, restorative sleep. Sleeplessness contributes to anxiety which contributes to not being able to sleep. You need help breaking that cycle. Please see about getting some coaching or do some reading about how to establish better sleep.

As for your concerns about working with children: I can’t think of anyone better. You know personally what it feels like to be abused, blamed, and upset as a child. My guess is that you are acutely sensitive to when one of the children in your charge is distressed. Once you get a better handle on how to deal with the echoes of your own experience, you will be in a unique position to be helpful to them.

That being said: Therapy often happens in “chapters.” You had some play therapy as a child that may have helped you deal with the immediate situation. Now that you are older, you are rethinking those events from the perspective of an adult. I suggest it’s time for another chapter of therapeutic work. You are spinning with self-blame and anxiety. A therapist can help you find a way to come to terms with what happened and move on. Do make an appointment soon. You deserve to have a happy adult life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am 25 years old. I grew up in an alcoholic/addict home where neglect and abuse were the norm. I have struggled with major social anxiety my whole life and have been unable to really ever feel fully connected to anyone… there seems to always be a detached feeling, even with my long term boyfriend.

I only recently sought out therapy. I would normally avoid it, however, I got to a point where I could no longer function, I was having issues with self mutilation. I couldn’t leave my home and I wanted to die. Also I was having horrible flashbacks of some really bad stuff I had gone through as a teenager… ANYWAY, my issue is, I have been in therapy for about 7 months give or take and I am COMPLETELY infatuated with my therapist. I absolutely hate it. I started off obsessing over him, thinking how nice it would have been to know him as a kid which turned into I wish he could have been my father which has recently turned into I want to be intimate with him. Every morning I wake up thinking about him, every night I go to sleep thinking of him. This is pissing me off because I realize that I know absolutely nothing about him really and why on earth would I feel this way about someone I don’t know anything about… I am contemplating quitting therapy, I am thinking that this was a bad idea and maybe I am just not meant to talk to anyone about anything. I am especially disappointed because I purposely avoided having a female therapist because I knew I would probably obsess on her in some awful creepy horrible way… I ended up doing it anyway…
I feel like my head is going to explode and i have no idea what to do about this stupid, awful situation. Im confused. I dont know what I am feeling or why… I just know nobody else has ever understood me… and I am devastated that I will have to let him go…
What do i do?

A: I know this may be hard to believe, but therapists are typically trained in this sort of thing, and believe it or not it is extremely common. The primary vehicle for change is the relationship in therapy with your therapist. He or she becomes a corrective force and it is not uncommon for clients to fall in love with this corrective person. The cure? Talk to him directly about your feelings. Your history would seem to indicate that intimacy may be difficult in current and future relationships, because there was never an opportunity to have a good role model. Now you do. Talk to him about it. Don’t run away from it. This is an opportunity to help heal yourself through the relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral