My 6-year-old daughter has become so contrary! Every answer to every question, (when there is an answer) is negative. She has huge tantrums at school when she feels she has been slighted in any way and becomes violent when reprimanded. She has been kicked out of two extracurricular activities due to her extreme behavior and is becoming isolated from her peers. I just don’t know what to do anymore. She has never been abused or neglected, and I have been as consistent as possible but it’s like she doesn’t care what happens to her at all. I am very worried about her. What is going on? How can I help her?

A: Thank you for writing. You are right to be worried. When there is a sudden change in behavior, it usually indicates that something is very wrong, either medically or psychologically.

It’s always important to check out the possibility of an undiagnosed medical problem so the first thing to do is to make appointment with the pediatrician. Another possibility is that she has been hurt by someone and is scared to tell you about it or doesn’t know how. You know she hasn’t been abused or neglected by you but are you sure that she hasn’t been hurt by someone else?

Rather than scold, correct or punish your daughter, I think you need to have a quiet and heartfelt talk with her. Explain that you are very, very worried about the change in the way she is acting. Tell her that sometimes when people don’t know what to say, they act out their problem. Is she angry about something? Afraid? Sad?

One useful question to ask is this: “How would things be different if you couldn’t have a tantrum?” Sometimes the answer to that question gives us insight into what is bothering a kid.

The key in this is to be as calm, caring, and supportive as you know how to be — no matter what she says. She is only 6. You are 35. You can keep your head even if she can’t keep hers. If she is negative, simply stay with her and ask what else she has to say. Reassure her that you love her and that you want to help.

Once you have more information, you may be able to figure out how to be more helpful to her. If not, I suggest you find a family therapist. You and her father, if he is in the picture, need to learn new ways to support, encourage, and help your daughter. It’s important to lay down a good foundation now so that the rest of her childhood and teen years are not filled with strife and stress.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I was diagnosed with depression in December of last year. Its started to get worse after my mission trip from Nicaragua. Ever since I came back, I get aggravated easily, my roommate and my best friend don’t ever invite me to things and never seem to care that I am around.

I feel so alone most of the time, and I feel like no one cares and think maybe I am better off dead. My best friend even told me she wishes I could be the happier me, the less angry one. I don’t know what is wrong and I mean she is a psychology major here, but she obviously doesn’t understand and I know she is tired of me telling her what is wrong. She says she cares, but I find that to be lies as she doesn’t care to even have dinner with me.

A: I’m so sorry you are feeling so down. It sounds like you are wearing out your friends and feeling generally helpless and alone.

You say that this started to get much worse after your mission trip. I hope the agency or church that sent you prepared you for re-entry into regular American life. Sometimes it’s very hard for people who have been doing work where they have been selflessly helping others for a long time to readjust when they return. You may have depleted yourself more than you realize. It’s not at all unusual for people to get depressed or unmotivated when they come back. People who have not had that kind of experience often don’t understand it or its effects on someone.

The first thing to do would be to contact the sending agency to see if they have any supports for people who have been on mission. If not, I suggest you make an appointment with a mental health counselor. You need help debriefing your experience and restoring yourself. An experienced counselor can help you with that.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I fantasize about killing people in extreme detail. My most recent “fantasy” (I don’t prefer saying fantasize because I feel that people assume I like it.) was of me going to school with a gun and a camera and I would go to my home room class and close and lock the door behind me. I have everyone get into a corner and ask them what they think their problems are (I am recording from this point on). When they get done telling me I go through and tell them their problems. I kill them one by one and then point the camera at myself. I go about talking about my own problems and then kill myself. I don’t feel that I would ever do this I’m just wondering if this much detail is normal.

A. Your fantasies are abnormal and potentially dangerous. The most dangerous aspect of fantasies is that they allow the preplanning of an event. At this time, you have not carried out this plan but it is concerning that you are preoccupied with such violence. I would highly recommend that you report these fantasies to your parents or the school administrators so that you could receive the proper mental health treatment.

Having a fantasy is not illegal. You have done nothing wrong but your fantasy is indicative of the fact that something is troubling you. Often, people who fantasize about harming others feel out of control or powerless. Their fantasies often involve a situation in which they are in complete power. These fantasies might be a way to compensate for a perceived lack of power.

By telling your parents or school administrators, they can assist you in gaining access to mental health treatment. Counseling would allow you to uncover what is wrong and why you would want to hurt people. It can also help you to correct your thinking and feel better about yourself and your abilities. Please do not ignore my advice. Seek help immediately. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I have always felt different than everyone else. I had never had real friends or anything besides my family (that is, my dad, my brother, and my mom); it’s not that I am myself with them; it’s more like they accept me with all of my eccentricities. I love math and I am currently participating in the Math Olympiad; thanks to it I knew about Aperger. There was a girl in there that was the only one I talked to, but unlike me, she could talk to everyone. One day (it happened two years ago) my father told me that the other girl father’s approached him and asked him if I had Aperger, because he saw me clumsy and antisocial and I remembered him of his daughter (that’s how we discovered that the other girl have Asperger). My father had never heard about this syndrome, so he investigated and told my family about what had happened and the symptoms and everyone began to make jokes about how I have Asperger and how I was even worse than the other girl, that last till this day. I try to ignore the jokes and pretend that I don’t care, but I am always wondering why they do this; if they actually think I have Asperger, and if they do why they had never been interested in trying to find out for sure. I don’t tell them anything because I am not sure if I want to be diagnosed. In a way I think I will feel better if I knew I have Asperger because then there will be a lot of other persons suffering the same thing, and I will feel less alone, but on the other hand, I don’t like been labeled and it would be useless anyway since I don’t think I will accept therapy. I am currently going with a psychologist (I had had three sessions) because of depression and anxiety but one of the things that she also treats is autism, so I been thinking about telling her so maybe she could send me to a professional or something, but I don’t want to sound as if I wanted to have Asperger. Is being diagnosed going to help me feel better? And should I tell my family first about my concerns?

A: I am very glad you are asking the question and writing us here. I think the best place to start now is with your psychologist because your family has not been as helpful as you would have hoped. Talk to the psychologist. She will be able to give your more information about what Asperger’s is, give your some idea of what treatments are available for it, and most important, give you a sense of the range of indicators that are part of making a diagnosis. She is the safest person for you to talk to about it right now.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have come to the realization that I was raped at 12 or 13. Didn’t know up until about a year ago. I have been given a diagnosis of major depressive and borderline personality disorder. It affected the way I treated children, who are now adult. I am overwhelmed with feelings of guilt.

A: I am so sorry that you have had to learn about this event in your life. But this is the time to reach out for therapy. They have been many advances in the treatment of repressed memories and trauma. Please choose the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page to locate a therapist who can be of help. The guilty feelings are understandable but what is most important right now is to find ways to relieve yourself of the burden of the reaction to this memory. There are some new treatments that may be helpful such as EMDR, which is specifically designed to help people who have had trauma in their lives.

Finally, I appreciate your courage and readiness here and hope your therapy will help you cope with the pain of these memories.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Hi, I’ve been with my boyfriend for a few months now and he has always had a problem with depression but at first I did think it was just his life as he almost died last year and his dad is ill and his mom is struggling in her life too, but as he’s spoken to me more I’ve come to realize that it’s deeper than his life and his thoughts are seriously negative and I struggle to help him. Whenever we see each other he’s always happy but I’m starting to wonder if he’s just hiding his true feelings.

I know for a fact I want to stay with him, and I definitely want to help him…I just don’t know how. He won’t go to the doctors, he barely talks to me and when he does he’s very secretive in what he will tell me because “he doesn’t want to worry me” and he certainly won’t talk to anyone else about this,

I just want to be the best girlfriend I can be and help him though this. What are the things, if anything, I can do for him, because he’s losing hope of ever feeling like himself again!
Thank you for reading this.

A: I’m sure this is very worrying. It’s painful to watch someone we love be in pain. Your boyfriend has been through a lot and it sounds like it’s not over yet with both parents struggling. I’m sorry he won’t take advantage of good help that is available. There is no shame in talking to a therapist. However you may care for him, you don’t have the training or experience to give him the help he may need to cope.

On the other hand, you do have something no therapist has: You care about him personally and you can have good times with him. I suggest you not push him to talk about things he doesn’t want to share. Instead, focus on positive things. Get together with friends. Do things he likes to do. Do your best to sustain the happy times. Happiness and positive experiences are the best antidote to sadness and negativity.

And, please, I hope you don’t let yourself get caught up in the drama of negativity. Negative drama only feeds negativity. Don’t beg him to share his secrets. Don’t constantly tell him how worried you are. Don’t try to “save” him. He doesn’t need a savior. He needs a friend. When he’s blue, suggest you go do something active, watch a comedy movie, or go hang out with friends doing something fun.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I started a criminal life early, spending most of my 20′s behind bars. I never learned how to be somebody or even be in a relationship sober or that did not feel like a hostage situation. Years later(present), I came across an acquaintance of mine that came to see me in the hospital when I had a tumor removed, and well we have been spending some time together. We have kissed and I couldn’t believe that he kisses just the way I like. He listens to my type of music, we have the same believes and outlook on many things in general. It seems that he is my soul mate. I want to get closer and be with him a lot but I am insecure about my body because of scares and how gravity has taken over my body. I see myself playing stupid junior high games and I get jealous or made when he does not call or text. How can I grow out of this insecurity?

A: I deeply admire your courage for speaking about your past and getting focused on the present. I think it takes a good deal of bravery to honor your struggle. In this relationship there are three major influences. The first is the fact that you are feeling so many positive and engaging emotions that they may in and of themselves overwhelm you. Second, this is a new relationship and it doesn’t sound like you have had a sober relationship in your life. This could be quite unsettling and undermine you as you learn the dance of intimacy. Finally, this comes at a time when you are struggling for your personal identity; who you are, and what your contribution is going to be in the world. The confluence of these factors make for a difficult time.

As you mentioned in your profile along with this letter that you are in college I would highly recommend you find a counselor on campus and talk to him or her about your concerns. This will be the fastest and easiest way to get some help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My 8 year old adopted daughter has had 4 different therapists including neurotherapy. She has yet to have someone really diagnose or help us with exactly her problems. She was adopted at 2 years old and spent the first 2 years of her life being seriously neglected and abused.

Up to this point we have treated each behavior problem individually but recently my husband and I realized they are ALL connected. She exhibits a disconnected behavior from her mind/body. In that she doesn’t seem to care if she is uncomfortable or in pain. She urinates herself at night but also daily. She doesn’t seem to care and yesterday even walked around with feces in her panties. She will wear her pants backwards and will not tell an adult if she is hurt. She will not wipe her face or complain of bad smells. She would sit in the bath and burn herself if the water was too hot rather than complain or try to get out of the bath. She seems to have very little conscience when it comes to other people’s feelings.

One therapist diagnosed her with RAD and another with ADD. She is very manipulative and passive aggressive. My question is without knowing all the other details what type of mental disorder(s) would cause a mind/body disconnect? She seems to not feel pain physically or mentally. She can feel physical pain but does not react to it in a normal way. Please help!

A: How very, very sad. I agree that everything you are observing is connected. What concerns me beyond the lack of reaction to pain is the apparent regression to very primitive behavior.

It is indeed possible that she has reactive attachment disorder. When a child doesn’t have the nurturing and care they need when very little, the child doesn’t have a model for caring, for self-care and for socially normative behavior.

Unfortunately, it’s also possible that your daughter has another mental disorder. Autism, intellectual disability, childhood disintegrative disorder and childhood schizophrenia all include some of the symptoms you describe. That’s just to hazard a few guesses.

Without a clear diagnosis, therapy can’t be helpful. The therapist doesn’t know what should be treated. I urge you to take your daughter to a medical facility that specializes in childhood psychiatric problems. First, she should be thoroughly checked for any medical condition that may be contributing to her behavior. Then she needs to be screened by specialists in childhood psychiatry.

Having a chronically ill or mentally ill child is as stressful as it gets. I hope you and your husband are also getting help for yourselves. Ask your doctor for information about support groups for parents. Often other parents are the best source of information, support and practical help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I feel like crying all the time and I’m not able to concentrate on any task or talk to someone.
My sister got divorced after a 2 year marriage and it has been 2 years and still she is not able to recover from the trauma. Our financial status was not also not so good since childhood due to problems in my father’s job.Also,we do not get any support from our father either psychological or financial since many years. My sister’s earning since almost 9 years. I have done a professional course but am not settled as of now in my career.
Having faced so many problems at age of 23,these days m feeling too low. I don’t feel like talking to anyone and always feel like crying.

Pl help asap!!

A: I am sorry you are having so many difficulties in your family and I deeply appreciate the fact that you don’t want to talk to someone, but felt comfortable enough to write to us here at Psych Central.

It sounds like there are many factors with your family that you do not have control over. During times like these the most reasonable response is to focus on your own growth and needs. Self-care is perhaps the most important task you can invest in for yourself.

My advice is to build on the courage you displayed here by reaching out to a counselor or clergyperson to begin discussing your options. Writing us here was a very good first step.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have been married for 10.5 years now and we have 2 amazing children. About three years ago my wife approached me and said that she was basically done with the relationship unless I changed things. I feel that I have changed those things and she still is very up and down about how she feels about me. I am absolutely lost as to what to do. I still love her very dearly and want us to continue on, she wants to try separation to see if she can handle doing it all alone and to see if she appreciates me more. I have suggested counseling again but she seems unwilling with that as well. What do I do when I want to keep moving on and working on it but she is not? She tells me that her biggest issue is that she doesn’t think that she is putting me first, which in some ways I agree with, but I understand the type of person that she is and that is not her. She gets so focused on the task that nothing else is going on around her. What do I do to save my marriage?

A: I can appreciate the struggle to save your marriage. This can be a very difficult time for couples to work through, yet I believe the information for each other is the case. Although you wife has made it clear that she does not want to go to couples therapy, I believe there are some viable options that are worth pursuing. If she is indeed looking for a separation then the mechanics of that may be best understood through a one-time appointment with a marriage counselor. This can help with the details of keeping yourselves separate while taking care of some of the functional matters such as paying the bills.

A one-time meeting with a marriage counselor sometimes allows the couple to sort through their issues with a third party present. When I make this proposal to my individual clients it is couched in the idea that it is for only one session; that you’re going just to get things out on the table and squared away. This often becomes an attractive option because it is an ongoing therapy and yet has an opportunity to open up that possibility or simply take care of the mechanics of the separation.

The second suggestion is to look for a couples weekend designed for an intense encounter for the two of you. These workshops are often held on a regular basis and typically have trainers who have good credentials if the workshop has been running for a while. Go online, find workshops that are in your area and gather some information about what may be involved in these workshops. Often couples that cannot withstand ongoing therapy may be greatly helped by an intense workshop.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Hi, I am one of four sisters and have four brothers. We are a total of eight siblings. My father past away almost six years ago and so did my grandmother from my mother’s side. My mother was left to care for us all. She has never responsible to pay the bills in the house her responsibility was cook, clean and take care of her children. She has diabetes. After my father past away it has been horrible. Since my mother doesn’t work she received benefits for the 3 younger children. Social security and disability she also received Medicaid, food stamps and Section 8 Housing. She now lives with my four younger siblings. Without this help I don’t know where my mother would be. She has always struggled paying her bills on time and having enough food in the house. Me and my oldest sister are renting an apartment therefore we are not living there anymore. My oldest sister and I have helped her with everything talking to her, giving her advice; also financially we have helped her. My mother allows my little brother to miss school he hasn’t gone in like two weeks or more and he’s only in sixth grade. He doesn’t like to go and has had problems with bullying. I am afraid something bad may happen. Also my little sister that is eighteen dropped out at the age of sixteen and is now working part time. The seventeen year old is doing really bad in school with bad grades. Me and my older sister have given her a lot of advice and have tried helping everyone but it’s only so much we can do. My oldest sister and I are now working full time and currently attending college. I don’t want my family separated. I really want to help her but I have exhausted all my efforts. My sister and I have tried asking her to give us the checks she received so we can manage all her bills but she does not want to. No one else in the family wants to help. My two oldest brothers have their families and they are low income as well. My mother has an inspection coming up soon and it doesn’t seem like she’s taking it seriously. If she doesn’t pass this second time she is in jeopardy in losing the house. Please help me.

A. I’m sorry that you are faced with these problems. There are no easy solutions. As you noted on several occasions in your letter, there’s only so much that you can do. You cannot force your mother to be more responsible. You can’t change who she is. You also can’t force someone to do things that they refuse to do. Unfortunately, your mother’s unwillingness to change may lead to her losing the house and putting other family members in jeopardy. It is also possible that children and youth services will intervene in the case of your brother not attending school. The reality is that your power to effect change in this situation is limited.

You are doing all that you can do. The idea that you are doing everything within your power and yet problems still arise is a very helpless feeling but that is the reality of the situation.

Despite your very difficult upbringing, you managed to move out of your home and begin college. This is evidence of your resiliency.

I hope that your family situation improves but the reality is it might not. It’s important that you brace for this very real possibility. It’s never easy to be faced with these types of situations. It’s akin to watching a car wreck in slow motion. It’s unbearable to watch, especially when you realize that no matter how much you want to help your loved ones, there’s little or nothing you can do. For those reasons, I would encourage you to begin counseling. Counseling could assist you in determining your role in the family. It could also provide much-needed emotional support. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

I am a soldier who is currently deployed. My wife who is home with our 2 children spends all of our money.
I don’t know what to do with my life, my relationship and family. My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. She is five years younger than I. We have two children. One is about to go through a major surgery for his feet.

She constantly spends all of the money she is given. I pay all of the bills. Which isn’t very much at all. Except I can’t save any money because she spends it all and makes me feel guilty if I don’t give her more. She doesn’t have a job. She doesn’t even have a high school diploma. So a good job for her is out of the question. My son’s surgery is hindering her from getting at least a part time job.

This is my second deployment and I actually extended to do this tour for the insurance. I had hoped to save a lot of money so that when I got out and went home I would be ok for a while. But it doesn’t seem like I will ever be able to do so. We fight all the time. I am always the bad guy. We also have issues with infidelity. I have cheated on her and she on me. It is a love hate relationship. We constantly fight and then make up. But I don’t think I can do it anymore. Please help me. This is just the beginning of my issues.

A: You’re right. The fight over money is only a part of a much larger issue that you two aren’t addressing. You two haven’t figured out how to be a team. Look at all you two are dealing with: Your son needs surgery. Your wife, in truth, can’t work if she is to take care of your son. You have money stress. You are far from home which leaves the daily decisions and child-rearing to a woman who sounds overwhelmed. A sick or injured child stresses even the best of relationships, never mind a relationship that is already in trouble.

I have no idea what the reality of your financial situation is so I can’t really be helpful there. It could be that your wife is being irresponsible. It could be that she is using shopping as a way to comfort herself. It could also be that you don’t have a realistic idea about how much money it takes to run your family. I do know that fighting over money is distracting both of you from far more scary and serious issues — like fidelity, your child’s medical issues, parenting, and managing the stress of deployment.

You two need serious help. The central issue is how to become a team so you can be the kind of parents your children deserve to have. Stop fighting and start talking. Really talking. Put aside the blame game. You’re both at fault. Get some help learning how to communicate and how to deal with differences of opinion without being destructive. If you aren’t getting home soon, see if your wife can arrange for a therapist to work with the two of you via Skype. Encourage her to see a therapist — not because she is the crazy one but because she can more easily get that kind of support. Meanwhile, see your chaplain about what kind of help you can get wherever you are.

Even more important than putting cash in the bank is investing in your relationship. Whether or not you two make a good marriage, you will both be parenting your children for many, many years. Creating a good working relationship now will make that go well for everyone.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I have thought maybe I would classify under ultradian/rapid cycle bipolar because my father, grandmother and great-grandfather suffered from bpd and my moods change over the course of hours to a couple of days at most. However I don’t really suffer through “manic” episodes, it changes between “depressed” and “normal”. My “depressed” moments go from being exhausted for no reason, just being.. “done”, being upset that my life will never be as happy as when I was younger, and thinking that the future is pointless because I’ll be in school for 5 years, work through my whole life, then die. But sometimes I seem to “get over” these phases for a couple of hours/days in which I consider my mood to be “normal” and then it repeats. I have not seriously considered suicide, but recently I don’t even want to risk putting myself in a tempting situation.. Would rapidly switching between “normal” and this kind of “depression” be a certain illness?

I am also slightly sceptical though because my mother has always been worried I will inherit the bpd gene so anytime when I was just sad as a younger teen she was worried that I was going through a depression phase. I am wondering if I’m just convincing myself that there’s something wrong with me, when there’s nothing (even though I would NEVER wish for myself or anyone else to experience mental illness)? I don’t know what to do because I feel like even if I go to the Dr, I can answer the questions the “right way” and it may not be accurate. For example, if I am convincing myself I have an illness I’ll answer the questions in a way that will “confirm” it, or if I’m convincing myself it’s all in my head I’ll answer the questions in a way that will “deny” any illness.. I’m confusing myself and I don’t know whether these thoughts would contribute to my “symptoms” or not….. I don’t really know what I’m doing or what I’m looking for from you guys…. I just don’t know.

I’m sorry for my weird thought process, if it doesn’t make sense to me I can’t assume it would make sense to you, but thank you for your time either way. All the best.

A: There is no need to apologize for yourself. You are asking very, very good questions.

First, there are two types of bipolar disorder. Cycling between depression and “normal” is Bipolar II. People who have also had at least one episode of mania are diagnosed with bipolar I. So, if you have bipolar at all, it’s likely that it’s bpII.

However, you ask another really good question: Is it at all likely that you have been made so hypersensitive to the possibility that you have bipolar that you are mistaking normal adolescent hormonal changes and emotional growth for a disorder? I can’t answer that question on the basis of a letter. What I can do is suggest that you make an appointment with a mental health professional and take your letter with you to the first session. Your letter describes the situation very well. Asking the counselor to read it first thing will help her understand your confusion. The counselor will then be able to ask you questions that will help determine what’s going on.

I do think that settling the question will be helpful to you. You don’t want to be constantly second-guessing yourself or worrying about yourself every time you have a sad feeling. On the other hand, if you do have bipolar II, you may want to consider some treatment so that you can manage it effectively. It doesn’t have to dominate your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

This is really hard for me to talk about, but ever since I was 12 I’ve been sexually interest to animals (dogs in particular) I know this is wrong and I hate myself for it. I find myself dreaming about sex with dogs, and surfing the internet for bestiality videos. Now, I volunteer at a Animal Shelter (For my Honors Club, I was volunteered by the coordinator and I had no say) and I never look at a dog and say “Oh that dog is hot” or ” I want to have sex with that pup” and That doesn’t seem to fit the zoophilia prophile (according to the internet at least) I just wanted to know if this is just my adolescent curiosity or is a fetish? If it is a fetish, should I tell my parents and seek help?

A. I wouldn’t characterize your sexual feelings for animals as “adolescent curiosity.” It’s an unusual interest. Giving your expressed sexual interest in animals, it would be best for you, at least temporarily, to remove yourself from situations in which you are interacting with animals. I would also advise against viewing any sexual content that involves animals. Being in the presence of animals, and viewing content of a sexual nature that involves animals, may be reinforcing your sexual interest. In other words, it may be making it stronger. Avoid any activity that is reinforcing your sexual interest in animals.

Yes, you should ask your parents to assist you in beginning counseling. Your sexual interest in animals is unhealthy and requires treatment. Any contact of a sexual nature with animals is also illegal.

It would be a good idea to have an evaluation by a trained professional. Remember, you haven’t done anything wrong. You are only having fantasies. Techniques to end those fantasies are available and your therapist can guide you.

I’m sure it wasn’t easy to ask this question and I commend you for being open to seeking treatment. Psychotherapy could extinguish your interest in animals. That should be the goal. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I am 21 years old girl and I’ve got much interest in psychology. So sometimes I doubt that I’m assuming all problems and in real I’m OK. Summarizing all issues, I have trust problem so I’m very reserved. I am survivor of suicide and also committed self injury many times. Many people who claimed to love me, betrayed me so I don’t trust anybody now. My close ones never value me the way I do. I recently broke up with my best friend and also ignoring my other friends. I think it’s the only way to protect myself from being triggered for self injury and suicide. But I am still feeling abandoned and worthless. I don’t know I fixed it or made it even worse…

A: The best thing for you to do is to see a psychologist or a mental health counselor for an evaluation. I often tell my students that if they are interested in psychology, it’s important that they experience what it is to be a client. We all have issues. If we’re going to be helpful to others, it’s very important we understand ourselves and know how to keep those issues from intruding on our understanding and helpfulness to others. Being a client for awhile also teaches us in a profound way what it feels like to be on the receiving end of therapy.

You have some important things to work out. It sounds like you have a difficult time tolerating big feelings and trusting others. You’ve been so hurt in your life that your only solution for dealing with pain is to distract yourself with pain you control (self-injury and suicidal actions). In therapy, you would identify your strengths and use them to gain self-confidence and improve your self-esteem so that you can risk connecting with others again. You would learn how to cope with your feelings and how to transform them.

I think you made an important first step by putting your thoughts into this email. Now take the next one and make an appointment with a counselor. You have important personal work to do.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie