Well, this is looking hopeless..but here goes nothing. I am 22 years old and I have been depressed my entire life. All I ever do is play video games so that I can escape my life and occupy my time. Sometimes I will get so depressed that I can’t even do that, I’ll just sit alone and stare at nothing until I have to go to work so that I can survive another day for a reason unknown to me. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life, I still don’t, and I am not interested in anything. Nothing excites me, I feel totally dead inside. Writing this now seems so futile.

Nothing really happened as a climax point in my life that caused me to be this way, but my dad died 2 years ago. I’ve always had a horrible relationship with my parents and my whole family. I am very shy naturally, I have an agreeable personality (that I hate), I have no friends, and I’ve been single my entire life. I’m not religious at all.

I don’t believe in anything except that I exist, and I really wish it wasn’t me. Every day I wonder why me, why do I have a consciousness and not somebody else instead. Every day I say to myself, “I hate my f——- life and I want to die”. I’m not somebody who cries a lot, and I’m not someone who harms themselves. I don’t think I will ever kill myself, I just don’t have what it takes, I will stick it out to the end for whatever that’s worth. I am so lonely and bored with everything, and it just seems like there is nobody out there. I’ve been to bars and social events and different things, but it’s just not helping me any. If you have anything to say to me I would appreciate it. Thanks

A: You know what I’m going to say: Get yourself to a therapist!!! You are seriously depressed. You may be grieving as well. (Yes, grieving; grieving the relationship you never had and now can never get from your folks.) Sitting alone in your room isn’t going to change how you feel. Hating your life isn’t going to change it. Writing to me isn’t going to change it. Going to social events and events without doing something about the underlying depression probably won’t work.

You somehow found the energy to write to us here at PsychCentral. That tells me you are getting ready to make a change. I hope you can find the energy now to make a call to your local mental health clinic. Treatment will help you have the life you want. Go for it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I need help. Ill try to explain as best I can. I lost my self esteem due to a sad childhood I was held back in school after words I saw no way to save myself so I give everything to everyone else I get money for my dad passing away I was only 7 at the time. I want to get a job but its hard because I drop out of school. I didn’t drop out because i was stupid it was mostly because I didn’t want to get out of my bed i didn’t see the point in school.

There is a lot more to the story but I just want someone to help me get my life together I feel like there no way I can fix my life.

A. I am sorry that you are struggling. You have had a difficult life. The good news is that you can overcome depression and change your life. Help is available. Many people have had depression, sought treatment and were able to make remarkable recoveries. Even individuals who have had depression for decades can experience significant improvements with the assistance of a mental health professional. You did not mention, in your letter, whether you’ve sought treatment. If not, you should.

Once meeting with your therapist he or she can refer you to a case manager who could assist you in getting your GED and a job. A great place to start would be your local community mental health center. If you have health insurance, call the 800 number on the back of your card for a referral to a mental health professional in your community.

Many people are reluctant to seek professional help. Even those who have suffered for many years often don’t see the value in seeing a therapist. Some hold the opinion that seeking professional help is a sign of weakness. They hold the distorted view that everyone should be able to solve their own problems. Others don’t wish to share the intimate details of their life with a stranger. Unfortunately, those attitudes remain prevalent in our society and contribute to the millions of people who live with untreated mental illnesses. Studies consistently show that individuals willing to seek treatment have the greatest likelihood of success.

Depression often creates tunnel vision. Individuals with depression have difficulty believing in a brighter future. Many feel alone, despondent and can’t envision a positive change in their emotional status. In this way, depression distorts one’s view of reality. Realize that there is help for you. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for several months now. I only new her a few months before we started dating, but things progressed and here we are. She’s an absolutely amazing woman. She has everything I seek in a partner, except for her sexual past. I’d like to clarify that we are both 27 and both have been in relationships before.

My problem is not that she’s been with other people before me, but the actual number. I’ve always held myself to a certain standard when it comes to this, but being with her and knowing her sexual past has taken me outside of my comfort zone. Now, her sexual past is very similar to mine, but mine is slightly more promiscuous – I feel a bit of a hippocrit here, and I know it. I just can’t seem to get this out of my head because, like I said, I’m used to dating girls who haven’t been with many guys. For the record, she voluntarily gave me this information which I very much respect her for. She’s very comfortable with who she is.

She’s a very successful girl, with a great job and great family. Her parents were divorced when she was 7 or 8 due to her fathers alcohololsim. Dispite her parents divorce, she remained very close to her Dad – even her brothers and mom remain close to him.

Everything is absolutely great between us. She’s an extremely caring and loving person, and shows her love to me everyday. I’ve found lately, though, that I can’t get her history out of my head. We’ve had a discussion about it, and she was surprisingly very open to discuss, in general, her past. She was in a long relationship, six years, which was always off and on. She would date in between breakups. She would always find something wrong with the guy/or she didn’t see a future with him and break it off. She also told me she’s only had one one night stand. She dated before and after the six year break up. I know she lost her virginity at 17 which is quite normal. I guess I’m troubled that she could go through so many sexual partners, well more than I’m used to, and was in a relationship for so long. Her number was 16 before me. She knows my discomfort with this and that’s why I don’t bring it up.

I realize my thoughts are selfish, immature and insecure, but I absolutely can’t help it. I’ve always had an idea with what I’m comfortable with. I hate that I’m judging her by her past, but I can’t help it. I love her so much and I’m at the point in my life where I’m thinking about a future, and so is she for that matter. I’m worried her history will taunt me forever if I stay with her..and I just don’t want to be in a relationship like that. It’s not fair to her or me. My ultimate wish would not to think like this, to know she’s all mine because what she’s gone through has brought her to me (and likewise in my life situations to her), and that her life experience’s has molded her into the beautiful, confident and smart young woman she is. That’s what I want, but it’s not what I totally believe/understand.

My questions are
1.) How do I deal with this and accept her past so I can concentrate on just us?
2.) Why am I having these feelings/thoughts? Is it insecurity/immaturity/selfishness/passing judgement? If so, how wrong of me is? Is there a right or wrong here?
3.) Knowing myself, having a hard time letting go of things (stubbornmess), could this be something that inevitably haunts the relationship for as long as we’re together? Or is it just a speed bump that has come about because I care for her so much?

A: Thank you for writing. As you quite correctly pointed out, the problem lies not with your girlfriend but with you. At 27, you’re unlikely to find someone with as many strengths who hasn’t been with a number of partners (just as you have been). The twenties tend to be a time of finding out who you are and who you want to be with. Often that sorting means trying on different relationships, making mistakes, being hurt, and sometimes being the one who does the hurting.

Instead of maligning your own character (insecure, immature, selfish), it would be more helpful for you to look at what is keeping you from taking the next step in a relationship that is so promising. I suspect that you are unconsciously using the number of her past sexual partners as a reason to slow yourself down or to not commmit. If it were not this reason, it might well be something else. If you don’t figure out your side of this issue, you’re right to be concerned that it will continue to undermine your otherwise perfect relationship.

I can think of a couple of possibilities that may or may not be relevant since I don’t know enough about you.

Could it be that you are trying to level out the relationship is some way? Your girlfriend sounds exemplary. If you don’t feel that you are as mature and well-developed as she is, perhaps your concern about her past is a way for you to feel equal.

Could it be that you have a need to have the upper hand or to feel superior? If that is the case, it’s trouble. As you undoubtedly know, a partnership is most likely to survive and thrive when it’s based on equality.

I hope you will work on this – both for your sake and hers. You wrote a very honest and open letter and this relationship sounds so promising. If you can’t figure this all out with your girlfriend, you might find it useful to have a few sessions with a couples counselor. A counselor could help you get out of your own way. Take your email and this response with you to the first session to jumpstart the work.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi, whenever i go to school, and walk through the hallways whether there are a ton of people or no one at all i feel like people can hear me breathing and then i start to feel like i cant breathe. My chest feels tight and i feel like im suffocating. Usually when this happens i have to take really deep breaths and im always afraid im breathing really loud and heavily. This happens randomly and suddenly, and very often. Am i having panic attacks and is there a way to make this go away?

A: It could well be that you are experiencing panic attacks. The challenge of panic attacks is that once a person has one, she or he often gets scared it will happen again. The fear that it might happen triggers another attack.

Fortunately, the answer to your next question is “yes.” There is a way to make them go away. A counselor can help you learn some techniques to get back in charge of your fear so that you don’t trigger attacks. Another resource for you is the book “Feeling Good” by David D. Burns.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

well, i know for a fact i have depression. my friend had it exactly how i have it and well vicodine helps a lot with that, but it does affect my life since i have no energy and no fun at all when i am depressed and happens for no reason. I have trouble with social interactions and dont get some jokes/norms. i see things as black or white and have super high expectations for people. I had almost no friends untill i started learning social engineering. i tend to “flip out” on people and i have little to no empathy, i dont feel bad when other people are sad i just cant stand it. oh and im super paranoid and lie a LOT. basicly, i have been reading a bit on it after being in psychology and want to know if i should get help

A: Of course you should see a professional. If you could have handled this by yourself, you would have done so already. Self-medicating is never a good idea. There’s no need to resign yourself to being lonely and unable to connect with people for the rest of your life. It can’t feel good to know yourself to be a chronic liar. Paranoia is frightening and exhausting.

I’m very glad you’ve been doing some reading and that you are taking yourself more seriously. Please do make a call to get an evaluation by a clinician. You deserve a better life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Being successful works against me because no one understands why I’m so insecure.
When it comes to school, work, finances, I feel like I have things together. Even though I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing I manage to keep things together on my own and be successful. However, when it comes to relationships, I feel handicapped. In the past 5 years I finally realized that I was physically abused, emotionally abused, neglected by my parents and I let this happen to me until the age of 21 when I finally moved out after my mom cornered me and beat me up for asking her to calm down. I always felt like I was walking in a fog, going through the motions, trying to be normal but not quite achieving it. It wasn’t until I was 24 and started to realize that I was gay that I started really connecting to my own reality and realized that I was abused. I feel like being successful works against me because everyone thinks I’m normal and such a pleasant person, but when I’m in relationships, my partners can’t handle me. They feel I’m too demanding, too needy, I make them anxious and make them want to pull away from me. They don’t understand how I’m so successful and yet so insecure. I feel so embarrassed because of this. This makes me hide my needs from everyone and avoid relationships because I think I’m defective and that no one could ever really handle me. I feel like no one sees me for who I am and only sees everything that I’m not. A couple of friends have told me to lighten up and enjoy relationships, but I can’t. I don’t want anyone to take advantage of me or to leave me, and I get scared and my heart pounds out of my chest if anything goes wrong. I was taken advantage of and emotionally abused in my first relationship, and I don’t want it to happen again. I’ve been to counselors but they seem to think I’m completely ok and that I just need to lighten up and change my thoughts. I’ve done cognitive behavioral therapy and it works well when I’m single, but in relationships it makes no difference. I feel like logic is out of the window and its a deeper issue than my thoughts. I’m so afraid someone will hurt me and I don’t trust anyone. I think I also have this need to please people, so sometimes in therapy I let the therapist take over and I feel worse after the session cause I didn’t get to really say what I wanted to. I don’t know if I’m just complaining over stupid little things and I do just need to lighten up but I’m writing because I want to know if either I’m making things too serious or if maybe I need a different kind of therapist. I started researching and I think I might have ptsd but I’m afraid to tell people that because they may think I’m over exaggerating my problems and self diagnosing which you aren’t supposed to do. I’d appreciate your feedback.

A: Thank you for sending in just a thought-provoking question. The issues that you are bringing to light should be brought to your therapist. The struggle for intimacy is great, and the resilience you have shown in moving toward understanding and cooping with these problems. I would elaborate with your therapist the particular struggle with trust and the history of your relationships if you haven’t done this already.

This will give you a chance to develop a bit more trust with the therapist. This is important because often the relationship we have in therapy mirrors the relationships that we long to develop. Being vulnerable, and being willing to discuss these issues is perhaps the most direct way of allowing yourself to change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I am currently in a program called Drug Court in VA. I have been in the program for almost 3 years. I have worked on very heavily the abandonment issues from my Father. I have come to a very comfortable point of acceptance, I feel like I know that if I dont put forth any effort, my Father will not either, and consequently our relationship will be non-existant, as it has for much of my life.

I have been asked to work more on this issue. I have been told I need to have concrete goals that I can show that I have achieved to move on from this program. I am MORE than ready to make this step to move on from Drug Court. What I am asking for, is assistance in concrete goals to work on my abandonment, resentment issues in relation to my Father.

I am seeing a counselor outside of drug court and she has me writing letters. One goal I had was to set a time each week to call my Father just to keep a connection. Drug Court felt like that was not good, and told me I need to work on new goals. I need help. Any suggestions on things I can do work on this that I can show in a concrete way?

A: Congratulations on all your good work. You’ve certainly taken your therapy seriously and done well.

It seems to me that your counselor and the Drug Court program need to get on the same page. It’s not helpful when helpers contradict each other. I suggest you ask your counselor to meet with you and whoever you are working with at Drug Court to set goals that all three of you feel are appropriate. Another option may be that you are ready for the Drug Court people to entrust you to your counselor.

The decision to terminate a program is often challenging. Good communication is the key. I’m glad you have a counselor to help you make the transition.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My brother and I had been very close as kids, grew apart as we grew up, but always on good terms. He had a rough life, especially mentally. A few years ago, he sent me a letter saying he had a rifle and talked about going out and hunting people. It was pretty scary – both the handwriting and the content. I had thought he was OK, but couldn’t tell if he was joking. My mother was in contact with him, so I sent the letter to her and asked for her advice. She called him and asked about it. I don’t know how that discussion went down, but he wrote me a blistering letter, accusing me of betrayal and writing me out of his life. Two months later, he shot himself with that rifle in a motel room. I’ve carried this terrible guilt ever since. I know he made that awful decision, but I feel like I played a significant role in it. After years I still don’t know how to handle it, and he haunts me daily.

A. When you love someone and something bad happens to them, you always wonder if you could have done more. Many people have feelings of guilt. The more serious the outcome for the loved one, the more guilt that is felt. Feeling guilty is not the same as being guilty.

Being suicidal is a sign of a serious mental illness. Committing suicide is the ultimate act of self-destruction. Suicidal individuals are always admitted to hospitals. Most individuals with mental illnesses are not admitted to hospitals. Only those with the most serious of mental illnesses are admitted to hospitals. I mention this to put into perspective the severity of your brother’s mental illness. The vast majority of therapists work outside of a hospital environment. None of those therapists would consider attempting to help someone who was suicidal outside of a hospital environment. A highly educated, well credentialed therapist would not believe that his or her skilled words and insights would be enough to stop a suicidal client. Even with their extensive education and experience, therapists would not believe in their ability to prevent a client from committing suicide. All therapists would attempt to have their client admitted to a hospital.

For a layperson, the ability to help a suicidal friend or family member is almost non-existent. Yes, you love them more than anyone else, but what skill do you have as a therapist? You love them more than their therapist but you simply lack the education and training necessary to deal with their problem.

You would never think of performing surgery on a loved one, not because you don’t love them sufficiently but because you simply lack the ability and experience of a surgeon. It’s obvious to most people that without the skill and knowledge of a surgeon it would be foolish and perhaps deadly to perform surgery on someone you love.

Without the many years of education and experience, it would be just as foolish to attempt to do counseling with someone you love. I often tell my clients, who are experiencing the thoughts and feelings that you have right now, that it is far better to feel that perhaps you did not do enough than to know that your words and attempts to help a loved one actually resulted in their suicide. Yes, it is possible to make a mistake during surgery that will result in someone’s death — and it is equally possible to make a mistake in therapy that will result in someone’s suicide.

Every surgeon does his best and every therapist does likewise. I think it is best to realize our limitations. We have a limit as to our skills in any particular area. No matter how much we love someone and want to help them, our skill limits are not increased.

When I have a client ask me about a friend of theirs or family member who is having a mental problem and what they can do for them, I always tell them to encourage them to go into therapy. If you have read this column you have read many letters from readers who talk about the immense difficulty they are having trying to get a mother, father, son, etc., into therapy. My response to them is to acknowledge that often no amount of effort on their part is enough to achieve their desired result.

The question for you is did you do enough? My answer to you, is how much more of consequence could you have done? You did not ignore your brother. With concern you brought his letter to his mother, as you should have. The result was that your brother became enraged at you and then shut you out. I think this shows the complexity of the situation and your brother’s mental illness. Suicide and the mental state that leads to it are amazingly complex.

Please remember one last thing: Very skilled and competent therapists have close family members who have committed suicide. Even with all of their ability and skill, and the immense love they possess, it was not enough to change the outcome.

I hope that you will consider talking about this issue with a therapist or a support group. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

My amazing father set the standard for what I think I relationship should be like. Everyone I’ve ever dated has been a disappointment for me. I’ve had to break up with some of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met because I got to the point where I realized I was spending most of my time antagonizing over their flaws and I made myself (and them) miserable. I just can’t get over the high standard set for whom ever I spend the rest of my life with.

See, I just don’t know how to stop comparing the guys to my dad! My dad tragically died when I was in 7th grade. His death was a harsh slap in the face by reality and it crippled my belief in God. I remember my father as a great man. Actually, I literately can not think of anything my father ever did wrong. The only memories I have of my father is of him being the most fantastic father, husband, and Christan he could be. My mother tries to tactfully remind me he was human too, but I can’t stand thinking of him doing anything wrong. I’m tried of breaking hearts! I’m making everyone miserable. I just don’t know how to separate my father’s memory from real life expectations.

A. You state in your letter “set the standard for what I think a relationship should be like.” You know what your relationship was like with your father. You are an expert on him as a father. You also state that he was the most fantastic husband. Only his wife would be able to knowledgeably comment on his ability to be a husband. You experienced your father, as a father, directly. Your mother experienced your father as her husband, directly. You were a onlooker into their relationship. Your mother has been just an onlooker into the relationships with the men that you have dated. I’m sure that you would agree, that she had been just looking in from the outside. The complexities of your relationships with the men that you have dated are not available to her. There is a public and personal side to virtually every relationship.

You mentioned how difficult it was for you to deal with your father’s death. It crippled your belief in God. You also said your father’s death was tragic. I think it is reasonable to conclude that you feel that your father’s death was very unfair. In your mind he is a victim. When you love someone very, very much, it is very natural to protect them at all costs. Many people would gladly give up their own life to protect someone that they love.

It appears to me that you are protecting your father by protecting his memory. It is your way of continuing to protect him. Your mother, who is trying to protect you, gently reminds you that your father was not perfect. I would have to trust your mother’s judgment as to your father’s abilities as a husband. I would trust your judgment as to your father’s ability to be a father.

The most important thing in life is to concur with reality. We must not see things as better than they are, nor worse. It is very natural for you to compare your boyfriends to your father. Sigmund Freud has long ago established this as fact.

I would like to ask you a question and I will respect and accept your answer. You have an impression of your father that is based on his only living until you were only in seventh grade. You presently possess that impression. What if he were alive today? What if you had all of those additional years with him? You did quite a bit of maturing after seventh grade; everyone does. You were much more knowledgeable in high school than you were in grade school. You saw the world in a much more complex way in high school and college. Now here’s my question: do you think that your impression of your father would be different if he were alive at this moment?

I have a few other questions that you might want to consider. Were you the perfect child? Do you think that your father would love you any less if you weren’t perfect? You know that your father loved you. You can feel it with every fiber of your being, even now. Those that you love, truly love, need not be perfect or even close.

You have pointed out that you’re having relationship problems. You stated that it’s time to do something about that. I would recommend counseling and I would focus that counseling on grief. In closing, I would like to assure you that no imperfection that you were to discover about your father would ever diminish the love that you feel for him.

You will find a list of therapists by clicking the “find help” tab at the topic of this page. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Sorry to waste your time with a problem that is completely my fault, but I have been free of self-injury for over 1000 days now, but it is still a fight sometimes. All the information on the internet seems to say find someone to talk to, but that is a lot easier said than done for me. My best friend is 9 years older than me, and is married with a baby and a full-time job, and doesn’t necessarily think of me as a friend, so she isn’t really available to help me very often. I don’t really have many other friends. I do have a counselor at school but she made it clear before break that she will email when she is ready to start back up and until then does not want contact with students so at least at the moment she is not an option at all. Also, she doesn’t seem to see my SI as an issue because whenever I bring it up she pretty much ignores it then goes back to whatever she must have planned to say. (Maybe because I never did anything that left permanent physical damage)

I need ideas to keep me from hurting myself because legalism is what is keeping me from doing it, but I don’t know if that will continue to work long-term, because right now I know hurting would make things seem more manageable, so it is hard to justify keeping myself from that. Any ideas you could give would be very much appreciated. Thank you!

A. An unequivocal statement of fact is that cutting, and self-injury, is never a wise idea. It is always a mistake. Self-injury is a sign that someone is suffering and that they lack the necessary skills to deal with emotional pain. Specific reasons why you should resist the urge to cut are provided below.

• Cutting is dangerous. You could accidentally cut yourself in a manner that causes serious or permanent damage. Many people do not realize how deep they are cutting. You might think that cutting is a secret thing that you do but you might cut too deep, requiring a trip to the emergency room. Then your secret will no longer be a secret.

• Cutting is ineffective. Cutting is often used as a strategy to reduce emotional pain. It might make you temporarily feel better but the negative feelings that led to the cutting will inevitably return. It is an act of self-destruction and it doesn’t address the underlying reasons that are motivating you to cut. Eventually, the underlying reasons for self-injurious behavior need to be addressed. That is where your focus should be.

You have not cut yourself in a very long time and it is important that you resist the urge to do so. One thousand days free of cutting is a major success. Try to remain committed to your ongoing success.

I would recommend that you find additional support systems that you can count on when the others are unavailable. You stated that you have a counselor at school. Perhaps you should also have an outpatient therapist. I would also recommend attending a support group. Your local community mental health center, outpatient therapy center or your school counselor could assist you in locating a support group.

You also might want to consider journaling. The content of the journal could include the following: What has kept you from cutting for the past 1,000 days? What other types of behavior have replaced the cutting? How has your life changed since you stopped cutting? What positive gains have you made over the past 1,000 days? How would you instruct others to have their own “1,000 days free of cutting?” Answering those questions might assist you in resisting the urge to cut and it may serve as a reminder for why you stopped. I hope that you can remain free from self-injurious behavior. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Uhh. I’m 13 and I I will sound crazy, but I’m serious here. You know the phrase ‘train of thought’? Well, it needs a track if it’s a train. So my whole life there were two tracks of thought, mine & a narrator (stupid things like ‘as she opens the fridge’ only after I read a novel) Well, since puberty, increasingly the narrator thinks (well talks but I can’t LITERALLY hear it) more often, and there is another track, an interviewer, which I have internal conversations with whilst pacing) And more importantly, the main one is rearranging itself. Picture, a long rectangle, made of two columbs connected, each made of blocks. And they’re arranged, so that it doesn’t conflict itself. But it has been rearranging itself and it’s sooo confusing. I feel like a liar, in everything I think, because half of me says one thing, and the other another.

Recent examples-1. ‘Reality is an illusion, everyone wants to take over your mind.’ The other half will respond, ‘That isn’t logical.’ First half responds “The concept of logicality is illogical. Anyways, they only WANT you to think logicality matters. You don’t exist anyway. You are immortal, and they just want to make you mortal.”

Another example is, if I see/hear something not there (not often though, just once/twice a week, hearing doors unlocking/voices saying my name/ufo/telephone being dialed or recently, seeing some chick just bizzarely STARING at me through a window) I’ll ask someone around me if they heard/saw it, they say no, mind half one:’crap not again’ other half ‘it’s there, they lie’. Crap like that, and I can’t focus on what I’m supposed to do. I don’t even know which half to believe. I just want it to STOP.

Please, do you have any idea what I’m saying? My few, barely trustable friends think I’m crazy. I can tell from their eyes.

A: Your letter shows you to be an articulate and intelligent young woman. But I think there may be more to this than a creative spirit and mind. I think you’re right to be concerned. I’m sure managing all this is at times exhausting.

Please ask your parents to take you for a mental health evaluation. If you have trouble explaining why, simply show them your letter and this response. You need to talk to someone who can hear your whole story and who can help you make sense of what is going on in your head. As you already know, you aren’t doing well on your own. There is no shame in getting some help with an unusual and distressing situation. With your intelligence and motivation, you’ll work well with a therapist.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I have lived with depression/social anxiety and selective-mutism for the past 4-5 years. I recently had my sister express her concern for my mental health. She begged me to seek help.

I engage in cutting, overdosing, starvation. I have cut since the age of 14 and have never stopped, going so far as to cut my vein and be sent to hospital. I want death. In fact I dwell on suicidal thoughts 70% of the time and have tried many times to end my life.

I have people that I talk to, that only exist in my mind. To me they are very real. They are my friends. I have 6; Ana, Camilla, Everette, Dustin, Peachy and Court. Each emerged at times of great sadness, anger or happiness over a 5 year period. I can’t make them leave me alone. I don’t control them. They help me when I am sad. Camilla isn’t very nice though and would properly try to hurt me if I let her.

I miss parts of my day and never can remember what I did. I am forgetful and will forget a conversation minutes after having one.

I feel that I have another person with me. And that sometimes that person will take charge of my emotions. When this happens I am not myself. I feel trapped in a body that is not my own. I want to leave it, so I harm it. I take pictures of my wounds, and keep them for months after.

I am a recluse and rarely leave the house 1 day out of two months. I don’t have any desire to. I also live in my head all day. I don’t talk to my family. I imagine people around me and I talk to them in my head and work out my emotions that way.

My family is taking me to see the doctor Monday. I don’t feel I am sick, but I understand enough to know that they are scared, and I will do what it takes to make them feel happy. Please tell me if going to see professionals would be wise?

A. To answer your question directly: Yes, it would be wise to see a professional. You are experiencing serious symptoms and have been for many years. Professional help can assist you in decreasing your symptoms and improving your life.

Your family is worried that you have schizophrenia, but that may not be the case. Though I cannot provide a diagnosis over the Internet, your symptoms seem more characteristic of dissociative identity disorder (DID) than schizophrenia. The specific symptoms that I am referring to include: memory loss, your description of feeling trapped in a body that is foreign to you, your awareness of other personalities that are dissimilar to your own, and the fact that some of your behavior seems to be outside of your control.

Other concerns about your situation include your tendency to be isolative, your history of suicide attempts and the fact that you spend 70 percent of your time contemplating suicide. All the aforementioned concerns significantly increase your risk for suicide. Under no circumstances is suicide the correct choice. In addition your family, who obviously loves and cares about you, would be devastated if something were to happen to you. For those reasons, it is imperative that you do what your family is suggesting and meet a mental health professional.

For many people, the thought of getting help is frightening. That comes from not knowing what to expect. Fear is understandable; however, please know that you have nothing to be frightened of. Mental health professionals are trained to assist their clients in solving their problems. They sincerely want to help you. Their ultimate goal is to improve the quality of your life.

Listen to your family. They are doing the right thing. You are blessed to have such a caring and loving family. I hope that you will attend the appointment and get the help that you deserve. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I’m stable. I go to school and get good grades. I come from a traditional nuclear family, I know they love me, and I love them back even if they get on my nerves. However, lately I have very distressed about myself. I feel like something is wrong with me.

I started thinking about my childhood and adolescent years this past month and a half, and I noticed that I truly was not happy and I think I have had the same problem for years. major problem: I have had and have difficulty connecting to people. Naturally, I’m introverted, which is OK, but again I don’t know why, but the harder I try, the same result appears.

I lack any close friendships that last. I really never had many because I moved around and changed schools quite a bit, but now I see that I hardly communicate with anyone from the last high school I attended, and I don’t know anyone in college. I’ve tried going to social activities like dancing and sports, but all I got was a temporary cure. Sometimes I feel like giving up and die alone.

Could there be something internally wrong with me? Is there anyone like me? Could it be something like a muscle that never developed? Is there something that repels people from me? How does something like this happen?

A. It may be that you are having difficulty adjusting to a new living situation. You cannot overlook the fact the you recently left high school and began college. You’ve essentially only been in your new living situation for a few months. It takes time to make new friends.

I am not surprised that you are barely communicating with your high school friends. Often, high school friendships are based on convenience. In other words, when it is convenient to be friends ( i.e. because you’re attending the same school or living in the same neighborhood), the friendship flourishes. Friendships based on convenience often dissolve once the “friends” no longer see each other on a regular basis.

Many people feel lonely and even depressed when they leave their family and begin college. To answer your question directly, yes, many people feel the same way you do when they leave home. Adjusting to a new living situation can be difficult. It is normal to feel the way that you do.

I would recommend seeing a mental health professional. Utilize the counseling center services on campus. Meeting with a mental health professional could provide an objective opinion about your situation and provide much-needed support during this difficult time. In addition, your college counseling center may have support groups for students having similar readjustment difficulties. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

So I had been bullied all my life, have no friends, I feel like I cant talk to anyone and that I cant trust anyone. I thought I depression but then I would burst out into an episode of high self esteem, wild, impulsive, basically I did some research and realised I fit perfectly to ‘Mania’ But then after a week or so I would totally crash. I would feel depressed and feel suicidal. I would burst into tears for no reason have no energy, be indesicive, irratable, and so I did lots of research and I fit Bipolar disoder perfectly. Its been this way for about a year and Im too scared to speak up. Ive been losing my appetite and I dont know what to do. The swings from Mania to Depression have been non stop. What do you think?

A. Cycling from depression to having episodes of mania (“high self-esteem, wild, impulsive”) are common symptoms of bipolar disorder. It is possible that you have bipolar disorder but that is not something I can determine on the basis of a short letter.

In addition, self-diagnosis can be problematic. You should have a psychiatric evaluation. Meeting with a mental health professional allows you to gain the opinion of a specialist. You may also want to consider choosing a therapist who specializes in bipolar disorder. Both psychotherapy and medication would likely be recommended for your symptoms.

You have been experiencing your symptoms for approximately a year but have been too frightened to “speak up.” There is no reason to be frightened. What seems more frightening is continuing to experience your untreated symptoms. The longer they are untreated the worse your symptoms can become.

Mental health professionals are trained to deal with the problems you are struggling with. They want to help. The find help tab at the top of this page can help you locate a mental health professional in your community. I would strongly suggest making an appointment. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

About 2 months ago, my grandpa passed away. I was really close to him and it was the first death I ever had to deal with. (I’m 15). At first my mother understood my depression, she allowed me to be late for school, and always tried her best to help me. But now that I should “Be over it” I’m not. I feel like I’m still in shock that he’s gone. I don’t know if it has anything to do with this… but I thought I’d mention it.

Lately, I’ve been getting really depressed stages at least once a day. It lasts about 1-2 hours depending on what triggered it. The triggers are stupid, and I KNOW they shouldn’t mean anything. But for some reason, It always hits me. For example, today my brother was joking around and said “Nobody likes you” And although I knew he was kidding, it made me look back on all the guys that made fun of me or that didn’t like me. I then start wondering why they didn’t like me… and I begin picking myself apart. My looks, personality; everything. Because of this I have very low self-esteem. I hate getting my picture taken. And when my friends are kidding around taking pictures, they always want me to join. I always cover my face, which leads to them saying “How are you going to be an actress if you don’t like getting your picture taken?” And then, another depressed stage will happen. I guess overall I feel pretty down about myself. Like I won’t amount to anything. I feel like my friends are better then me, and that my family would be better off without me ruining their moods. I’ve thought about suicide, but I would never really do it. Ever.

I just want to erase my existence from this life. I don’t want to exist; I don’t want to try. I don’t want to care, and I don’t want to feel this way anymore… Any advice or anything…?

A. You may be underestimating the grief and sadness associated with the death of your grandfather. It was a very recent passing. That event likely accounts for a major part of your depression. Losing a loved one is exceedingly difficult, especially when it is your first major loss. Many people would have a similar reaction to losing someone they love.

You feel that you “should be over it.” I would disagree. There is no identified period of time in which an individual “should” complete grieving the loss of a loved one. Generally, at a minimum, it can take six months to one year to come to terms with the loss of a loved one. Please don’t mistake the phrase “come to terms” with “getting over it.” No one “gets over” the loss of a loved one. It is a process of adjusting to the loss.

Grieving is a process. It takes time. Profound feelings of loss do not simply vanish. They usually diminish over time. In addition, healthy grieving often requires the assistance and support of others. Sometimes professional help is required and I believe that this may be one of those occasions. A therapist or a grief support group could be of tremendous benefit to you. I would recommend discussing those options with your parents. Symptoms of depression, regardless of their source, necessitate treatment.

Finally, when you feel ready, I would recommend finding ways to commemorate your grandfather. Celebrating his life could facilitate the healing process. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle