I have been married for 10.5 years now and we have 2 amazing children. About three years ago my wife approached me and said that she was basically done with the relationship unless I changed things. I feel that I have changed those things and she still is very up and down about how she feels about me. I am absolutely lost as to what to do. I still love her very dearly and want us to continue on, she wants to try separation to see if she can handle doing it all alone and to see if she appreciates me more. I have suggested counseling again but she seems unwilling with that as well. What do I do when I want to keep moving on and working on it but she is not? She tells me that her biggest issue is that she doesn’t think that she is putting me first, which in some ways I agree with, but I understand the type of person that she is and that is not her. She gets so focused on the task that nothing else is going on around her. What do I do to save my marriage?

A: I can appreciate the struggle to save your marriage. This can be a very difficult time for couples to work through, yet I believe the information for each other is the case. Although you wife has made it clear that she does not want to go to couples therapy, I believe there are some viable options that are worth pursuing. If she is indeed looking for a separation then the mechanics of that may be best understood through a one-time appointment with a marriage counselor. This can help with the details of keeping yourselves separate while taking care of some of the functional matters such as paying the bills.

A one-time meeting with a marriage counselor sometimes allows the couple to sort through their issues with a third party present. When I make this proposal to my individual clients it is couched in the idea that it is for only one session; that you’re going just to get things out on the table and squared away. This often becomes an attractive option because it is an ongoing therapy and yet has an opportunity to open up that possibility or simply take care of the mechanics of the separation.

The second suggestion is to look for a couples weekend designed for an intense encounter for the two of you. These workshops are often held on a regular basis and typically have trainers who have good credentials if the workshop has been running for a while. Go online, find workshops that are in your area and gather some information about what may be involved in these workshops. Often couples that cannot withstand ongoing therapy may be greatly helped by an intense workshop.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I grew up with a younger sibling with autism, and I deeply love and care for her. As I grew up, my parents always told me that I had to be successful so I could care for her when they died. I was perfectly okay with this at first, but as I entered grade 7 I started thinking life and my reasons for living.

My father wanted me to become a doctor and I grew up with that goal for a while. However one day, I thought long and hard about it and I realized that I really couldn’t see myself in that kind of role. I hated the sciences, and I could never see myself studying it for the rest of my life. Even after realizing this, I still decided to study medicine to please my parents.

I adopted a rather lazy attitude entering the seventh grade, and as my marks dropped to the 70′s and 60′s, my parents constantly reprimanded me. For whatever reason, I was unable to break out of my streak of laziness. My parents became angrier with each mark I showed to them and began reacting as if I had just committed a crime. Sometimes they would cry and yell at me. Sometimes they would blame the marks on my friends and sometimes they blamed the fact that I played video games. What really hurt me, though, was what they said about my role as my sister’s brother. They told me that I wasn’t just failing them, I was also failing her and by getting bad marks I was showing them I didn’t really love her. Through all of this, I never retaliated or told them how I felt. I just stood there and endured everything. Around this time I was very sensitive and prone to crying and I spent that whole year crying myself to sleep every night because of how worthless I felt. I soon realized that these emotions were going to eat me from the inside if I let them go on. I decided it would be much better if I just shut down my emotions.

I trained myself to stop crying and in order to make my ability to control my emotions stronger, I watched some gruesome horror movies and tried my best to feel nothing while watching them. I was dead set on becoming stronger and eventually I was able to endure any kind of emotional trauma and feel nothing. After that, I was a lot more emotionally stable. When my parents yelled at me, I simply listened and moved on as if nothing happened. I still loved my sister, and only let down my emotionless persona when I was around her. Eventually I realized that even though I had become stronger, I felt empty and unfulfilled… I questioned my reason for living and realized I didn’t have one anymore.

I came close to committing suicide at one point but realized that if I was gone, there would be no one left to take care of my sister. I decided that my life did not matter as long as I could make my sister happy. I have friends but I never feel close enough to them to tell them this story. I think about killing myself from time to time but I never feel sad or depressed while doing so. I just feel like it would be better to have everything disappear in an instant.

Do I have some sort of psychological problem? or am I just a pathetic human being?

A. I don’t think you have a psychological problem per se nor are you a “pathetic human being.” Your parents placed a heavy burden on you. Even as a young child, you were told that you were going to be the lifelong caretaker of your sister. What your parents did to you was unfair. You never had the opportunity to be who you wanted to be. Your parents saw you as an extension of themselves. They chose your sister over you. They should have had two children, who for each they wanted the best possible life. Instead they have joined you together to form “children.” They want the best for their children, not what’s best for each child.

As a response to this heavy burden, you developed a coping strategy. It’s evidence of your resiliency and resourcefulness. This strategy protected you from experiencing a great deal of psychological pain but it was temporary. Your true feelings eventually reemerged.

You are in essence sacrificing your life for that of your sister’s. While that sacrifice might be noble, it is unhealthy and it will lead to a great deal of dissatisfaction in your life.

Your sister requires the assistance of health and mental health professionals who can properly care for her. There are many social service agencies and independent caregivers that can assist your family. Your sister is best served by trained mental health professionals who have years of experience dealing with autism. Call your local social service agency and inquire about what services are available for your family.

Your reaction to this situation is logical given when you have faced. Of course you love your sister and want what’s best for her but this should not come at the expense of your life. You have the right to be happy and to live an independent life. You can help your sister as much as you chose to when you have developed your own life. You must seek meaning and happiness in your life.

This burden has led to your contemplating suicide. Nothing, no plan, that leads you to suicidal thoughts can be the correct plan. Erroneously, the plan that your parents had assigned to you was the plan that led to suicidal thoughts. I’m sure that wasn’t their intention. They have a problem because they have a daughter who has special needs and they don’t know how to care for her after they are gone. They would benefit from counseling, to help them assess their choices.

You could also benefit from counseling. It can help you to understand the burden that has been placed upon you and assist you in becoming more independent of your family. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

I’m a 30 year old mother of two. My depression started after I had my first child. I didnt feel any connection with my daughter, and I still don’t to this day. But the real problem began when I was informed during my second pregnancy, that my child could be born with Down Syndrome, and that he’s got a very severe heart deformity. I was five months pregnant at the time, and I chose to not abort the fetus after the amniocentesis test came back for Down Syndrome. The doctors told me the baby might need an operation after birth to fix what they expected to be a big hole in the wall between his ventricles. In my final trimester I was admitted to the hospital many times because of kidney problems, and when my C-Section was due, the baby was taken immediately to be examined, and what we thought was just a hole in his heart turned out to be something much more severe. He had what they called DILV. Double Inlet Left Ventricle. And they said he needed to have surgery immediately, and so they sent him to another city in a medical airplane when he was only 4 days old to have his first of many surgeries.

My son is 14 months old now, after 2 minor and 2 major heart surgeries, he’s still not even remotely over the bridge, for He will be needing more operations in the near future.

My post partum depression just didn’t seem to go away after his birth, because of his condition. If anything i think its getting worse. I feel exhausted. I feel neglectful of my daughter. I feel scared of what’s to come. I feel it’s my fault he’s suffering now, and that he will never have a normal life. And sometimes when I’m at the end of my tether from exhaustion I think, I wish I never had him. I know I love both of my kids, but the depression is so overwhelming sometimes i wish i had a different life. I don’t have time to scratch my head, let alone consider visiting a psychiatrist. If there is any advise u can give me I’ll appreciate it.

A: If you’ve ever taken a flight, you know that the flight attendants always give a speech before take-off, telling us what to do in the event of an emergency. They tell us that if the oxygen masks come down, parents should put their own mask on first, then take care of the children. They explain that to be helpful to a child, we first have to take care of ourselves or we won’t be any use at all.

You may not think you have time to see a psychiatrist or counselor but that’s exactly what you need to do. You are overwhelmed because the situation is overwhelming. Your son isn’t the only one with a “heart” problem. Your emotional heart is being greatly stressed. Having two young children is stressful for any mom. When one of those children is ill, it’s over the top. Just like parents who need to give themselves oxygen in a flight emergency before they can take care of the kids, you need to give yourself some time each week to get what you need so you can carry on.

One of the many things that concerns me about your letter is that you don’t mention the children’s father or other supportive people in your life. Ideally, more than one adult is involved in a family like yours. You need time to rest. You need someone else to celebrate successes and to be there when there are setbacks. It always helps to have another adult to talk to when big decisions are to be made or to hold hands with during visits to doctors and trips to hospitals. Another adult can also give your older child the support she needs when you are occupied with the baby.

I hope you have some family and friends who can help you. I hope you are not shy about asking for their help. It is only what you would offer if you had a friend in your kind of situation.

Please also ask your doctor if he or she knows of a parent support group for parents of kids with special needs. There is great comfort in talking to other parents who are facing similar challenges. Often other parents know of resources and tips that can help you help your children.

Please do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You deserve more support. Your children deserve a mom who can connect with them and take care of them.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I want to help my 15 yr daughter figure out what is wrong with her. I’m out of money. How do I get her a diagnosis? For 10 yrs I’ve taken my daughter to professionals to understand what makes her different so we can address and help her. She’s been diagnosed at separate times of ADD, ODD, potential BPD, depression and on and on. No one agrees. She struggles socially and acedemically. She’s taken a slew of tests. Her IQ is high and attention is average. Socially she misses queues and can talk excessively. She can be super sweet and super difficult. She complains about not having any friends but yet I know there are some. however they aren’t knocking down our door to hang out with her. She makes friends with people further away via internet and phone. She is failing classes right and left as she forgets or loses assignments constantly. Many times she does them multiple times. I’m out of money and not sure where to turn to seek treatment to help her. She struggles so much and has for years. What can I do for her?

A: Your daughter is fortunate indeed to have such a concerned mom. I can’t tell you what’s wrong on the basis of a letter. Although different professionals have come up with different labels, it seems they do agree that something is amiss.

But, truly, I’m not sure it matters what the diagnosis may be. Your daughter is troubled and troublesome. I suggest you stop looking for a mental health diagnosis and take a more holistic approach. First, if you haven’t already, take her to her doctor for a complete physical exam. That should include blood tests to make sure there isn’t a thyroid problem that is contributing to her difficulties. If so, start treatment. If everything checks out medically, then have her evaluated for a learning disability. Sometimes kids with learning differences miss important social and emotional cues and this causes erratic behavior.

While you pursue appointments, make sure you are taking care of the basics. That means encouraging her to get enough sleep and good nutrition. Finally, seek out a therapist. At 15, she is old enough to benefit from some individual therapy, regardless of what is at the root of her problems. I encourage you to find a therapist who works with teens and their families. The whole family has undoubtedly been affected by your daughter’s behavior. Good therapy will include regular whole-family sessions as well as individual treatment for her.

I hope that taking a slightly different path will help your daughter get unstuck. I’m sure the last few years have been terribly frustrating to you both.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hello, I’m 14 and I have struggled with symptoms of depression and anxiety for two years, along with rage brought on by sensitivity to certain sounds. These sounds include all eating sounds, ripping paper, any combination of skin and fabric rubbing against each other (skin and skin, skin and fabric, fabric and fabric), kissing sounds, and keyboards. Also some speaking noises and annunciations such as Bs, Ps, and Ss. Also I’m bothered by small repetitive movements like feet rubbing, thumbs tapping, and hair twirling. When I hear these sounds I literally feel the urge to attack. I feel like I need to hurt something; even myself.

Hearing a sound that triggers these episodes makes me want to scream, kick and cry. I usually go up to my room, before my parents see any tears, and sob into a pillow and scratch, or bite, or beat on my arms, legs, and head. When I’m in the midst of one of these episodes it’s a painful, awful frustration that makes me want to die; anything to escape it. I’ve thought of many ways that I could kill myself quickly and painlessly.

Obviously I have never tried any of the ideas and my parents still don’t know what I’m going through. It’s very hard because now I’ve become the problem child in my family. The sounds bother me more when a family member is making them. For instance my mom will kiss my little sister and I’ll barge over and start yelling at her, not to stop (so that she won’t know), but about something else random just to get the anger out. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world, like you are totally losing control and you can’t do anything about it. After I hear a sound like that I feel the impulse to make that sound. I have to do it and then I suffer even more remembering how it sounds. However, I would hear the sounds replaying in my head even if I didn’t recreate them.

I’m worried that if the problem is not addressed it could worsen and I could pick up more sounds that make me freak out. I’ve done about all the research that I could do, given that its a little known topic. Does this sound like Misophonia to you? If so, what should I do? How do I go about telling someone? Thank you so much.

A:My goodness! Why on earth have you kept this to yourself? You have a legitimate problem and you are letting your parents and siblings believe that you are a “bad” kid. Huh?

Some people have what are called “sensory processing disorders.” This means that they react either too little or too much outside the range of usual to sensory stimulation. For some people, specific fabrics or how a food feels in the mouth can be intolerable. Other kids don’t feel things enough and put themselves in danger. For example: When a kid doesn’t feel heat and gets too close to the stove, he can get badly burned. Any of the five senses (vision, smell, hearing, touch, taste) can be involved. Some people suffer (and, yes, it is genuine suffering) from more than one sensory disturbance.

I can’t give you a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. What I can do is let you know that your experience is real and that you need help learning how to deal with it. Whatever you’ve been doing to manage clearly isn’t working.

Please show your letter and this response to your parents. You need an evaluation from a mental health counselor who specializes in sensory processing disorders. Once you’ve had a thorough assessment, the counselor will make recommendations to you and your folks about ways to help you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Recently, my husband and I had to go out of town for a funeral. A friend of mine (let’s call her Inga) was scheduled to work, so I left her my car. My son called me late at night our first night away, and told me Inge hadn’t come home in my car yet. After 3 hours of trying to contact her, I finally got through. The car had run out of gas, and she was lost. After about 15 minutes of trying to get a straight answer of where she might be, she finally tells me the police were there with her. I had her put the officer on the phone and found out she’d gone 40 miles in the opposite direction to get home, had run out of gas and put oil in my car (thinking that was the problem), and my car was sitting in the middle of the road with a dead battery and no lights at night! The officer agreed to bring her home, and I would send my son the next day to retrieve my car.
When my son went to see if he could fix my car, he found she’d put oil in the power steering pump! He spent $40 of his own money to fix the car and get it home. Inga texted me the following day, apologizing, and saying she’d pay for any damages.

A week later, my son needed that money for gas to go to work. I asked Inga if she had the $40 for him, since he had to use his own money to fix my car. She gave me the $40, saying ‘don’t worry about repaying me!’

To this date, she still does nothing to help out. She gripes about any shift I’ve given her to work at the hotel, even though I am the one that has to get up at 5:30am on my day off to drive her there and pick her up. She doesn’t offer to pay for ANYTHING. She’ll only eat dinner if I fix her plate for her. She doesn’t clean up after herself. All she does is sit on the couch, playing on her phone- CONSTANTLY!

I feel bad for her in a way, because there is definitely something not right with her, mentally. Even the simplest, written instructions, she cannot comprehend. When you try to explain something to her, she cuts you off with, “Ok, ok…I’ve got it” and continues to do things wrong, immediately. At first, I thought it was because of the years of abuse that made her the way she is. I’m thinking now, though, that maybe this is just normal for her. She strikes me as being possibly borderline autistic or something. The officer the night she’d gotten lost even asked me, ‘Ma’amm, is this typical behavior for her?’because of how she was acting. She gets frustrated and easily comes undone over any small thing.

Our problem is that we need her to become independent and work towards getting on her feet, of which she seems to have no intent. We don’t want to put her out in the cold, nor do we want to be mean and hurt her feelings. Not-so-subtle hints do not work…she simply doesn’t get it. Any flat out request is either deflected by her trying to change the subject, or (if monetary) she tells us we don’t have to worry about paying her back..like it’s a loan! (And that’s if she even thinks she should give us anything at all.)

I’m planning on taking her to the housing authority and food stamp office on my next day off. Other than that, how would we approach the subject of her getting out on her own, with tough love but without being hurtful? We’re between a rock and a hard place, here!

(By the way, she’s not a young girl..she is 53 years old!)

A: Your friend is lucky indeed to have as supportive and caring a friend as you are. But at this point, you are feeling taken advantage of. At 53, she isn’t going to be the one to step up and initiate change. You are going to have to either draw some clear boundaries and give her a deadline for leaving your home or you need to get busy and find her the services she needs.

There are generic social services that can help your friend. Housing services and food stamps are a good first step. It may also be that she qualifies for other supports. If you think that she has below average intelligence or has a brain injury, for example, you could see if she qualifies for disability services.

Your friend has somehow survived without you for years. Think about how she has managed. Has she gone from one good-hearted person like yourself to another? Or has she found ways to fend for herself when no one was willing to let her become dependent? If the latter is the case, then “tough love” may be the answer. If, however, she has usually ended up homeless and destitute, then the loving thing to do is to help her connect with social services.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

my ex husband is nuts! he flys off the handle for no reason, he trys to bully me into doing whatever it is he wants me to do. He will get mad about something or someone and then talk about hurting them or thier vehicles etc.. for months on end! he uses our daughter as a tool to get back at me, he seems to think that the law and court orders that are on file do not pertain to him. I am seriously concerned for the well being of my daughter who has special needs and the behavior she is learning from him. I really think that he has some serious pyschological issues stemming from his mother and step fathers abusive relationship and his fathers alchoholism. Do you think that requesting a psychological evaluation is in the best interest of my daughter?

A: Why on earth are you staying in contact with a man who is a bully? You deserve better. Your little girl deserves better.

I’m not at all sure that the child needs an evaluation but it is clear you both need help. Please contact Domestic Violence Intervention Services in your city. Counselors there will help you find out what services are available for you and your little girl. They have counseling available for you, your daughter, and even for your ex if he’d like to learn how to be a decent human being.

You are not responsible for fixing your ex-husband. You are responsible for protecting your daughter. Get the help you both need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

A cousin of mine, who is 20 years old girl is mentally challenged from her childhood, it is so irritating, she used to irritate the whole family. Although she is 20 years old but she used to behave like a 10 or 12 year girl. What to do with her?

Is there is any treatment which can treat her / help her to became a normal person?

A: People with intellectual disabilities can lead a very productive social and work life with the proper guidance. I encourage you to bring her to the family physician for an evaluation as to best meet her needs. Her school can also help.

I am the coauthor of the American Psychological Association’s first book on psychotherapy for people with intellectual disabilities. If you would like to learn more about it you may click here.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years. We get along great and would do anything for each other. However, our relationship has taken a slight turn for the worse just this past month. My boyfriend smokes marijuana everyday (I personally do not, but dont mind that he does). And i knew that sometimes on special occasion he used other drugs as well, such as cocaine. This never really bothered me because he kept reassuring me that him and his friends were smart about the drug, knew how dangerous it could be if not handled correctly. And the special occasion cocaine use never effected our relationship or how well we were together.

It wasnt until 3 weeks ago that i heard he had done cocaine with some friends out of boredom, I asked him, he denied. Later he told me the truth, that he had done it. In fact he also confessed that he started using cocaine more frequently (about 3 times a month). I was shocked, that he could and did hide this from me. I was upset, he agreed he would stop, and was very apologetic. He knew he had to regain my trust. Everything I thought was going to be okay. Until I get a call that my boyfriend was in the hospital after collapsing unconscious after cocaine use with his same friends. He has admitted he has an addiction problem. Again is very apologetic, says it took this close call for him to learn. Says he really wants my help. I am very worried. Not sure what my role as girlfriend entitles now, and not sure if I should stick around? I love him, and we have so much great history together. I do care about him a lot, and want to help. But dont know if i am even someone who can help, or if this is something he needs to do on his own? I am filled with mixed emotions, as this was a recent event. I dont know where to go from here.

A: As you are finally discovering, when someone is involved with drugs, they are not completely involved with you. There has always been an affair in this relationship — his affair with drugs. The good news is that he has admitted to an addiction problem. Apparently, the hospitalization was a wakeup call. The test of whether he is someone to stay with is whether he follows up with treatment. People can and do get into long-term recovery. People can and do give up drugs forever.

Your role in this is to cease being so tolerant! You absolutely should mind that he is using weed every day. You absolutely shouldn’t tolerate that he uses cocaine — even occasionally. It may not affect your life all that much now when you’re both in high school but it will definitely affect his ability to get on with adult life once you get out of school. Growing up means learning to manage emotions, decisions, social life, and relationships without the haze of drugs. He needs to find a better group of friends and much better things to do with his time that will help him prepare to get into adult life, not check out of it.

I suggest you find the local chapter of Alateen to help you figure out how best to be helpful and whether the signs are right that he is worth sticking around for. Alateen is part of the Al-Anon programs. It helps teens who are affected by someone else’s drug or alcohol use. Check out the Alateen website. You will find out more about the program and and you can locate a meeting near you.

I wish you well.
Dr. marie

I need help. :( I’m 18 and I have several problems going on in my life. I am a shy (male) senior student in high school unsure of my plans of what to do in college and how to get a scholarship in the art world. What is holding me back is lack of self-confidence. I’m not the person that I want to be. I have attempted many times to be outgoing, but as always come off socially awkward. Sometimes I fear of what people may think of me. I am sometimes unable to understand what people are saying to me. I don’t have any close friends, just aquaintances that I talk every now and then at school. No one ever calls me on the phone. My mood can strangely change in a single school day. At one time, I am depressed. Another time, I am laughing for no absolute reason to myself during a class session.

I become so angry when my dad tries to point out my problems with me lacking a driver’s license at the age of 18. I always fail to communicate my feelings based on his criticism. My social skills are terrible. It takes me forever to answer a simple question. I do not make eye contact most of the time, I stare at the ground. I hate myself for getting so bent out of shape when someone is trying to help me with my issues.

Another problem I like to share is that I am unaware of a environment filled with groups of people. As I’m sitting at a resturant, I am afraid to look around at times. Whenever I walk, I look straight forward without turning my head. Even when me and my sister went to Chick-Fil-A, I walked straight passed her on the way out the door, without realizing she was right there. And I thought she was already in the car ready to go.

People look at me funny whenever I go to public places. My parents point out I am not aware of my facial expressions. I often look in the mirror to help fix this problem.

That is all I have to share.

If you do not reply back, thank you for at least taking your time out and reading this. Thank you, Psych Central. :)

A: Hi. Thanks so much for writing and asking for help. That’s the first important step in making change. Bear in mind, please, that I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But what you are describing is consistent with the experiences of a person with Aspergers Syndrome. People with Aspergers are socially awkward, have trouble making eye contact and tend to be concerned with a narrow range of interests. Often they find the stimulation of large groups of people or a noisy environment overwhelming. Intelligence ranges from very, very smart to intellectually disabled. Since you’ve made it to senior year in spite of your issues, I suspect you are on the very, very smart end of the continuum.

If I’m right, the most important thing I want you to know is that being an Aspie (an affectionate term for people with the syndrome) isn’t the end of the world. Many of my best friends and some of my family members are Aspies. I think they would all tell you that there are some challenges they’ve had to work hard to overcome but their ability to focus on what they really love makes it worth it to them. By the way: Many tell me they have spent hours in front of a mirror teaching themselves how to make appropriate facial expressions.

I suggest you ask your parents to get you an evaluation. Criticism and correction aren’t going to help you. Working with a therapist who has experience with Aspergers will. You can learn how to interact more acceptably and, more important, more comfortably with others.

Meanwhile, you also need some serious coaching if you want to go to art school. It takes more than self-confidence. Most schools require a portfolio. I suggest you see the art teacher at your school for help with that. Then see your guidance counselor to figure out which schools might have a scholarship program you qualify for.

Thank you for your courteous letter. I can sense that you are a warm and interesting person. You just need some help to let others see it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi. I wrote to you over a year ago about my loneliness, and being stuck by myself due to not having a driver’s license because of a vision impairment. At the same time I let you know I did ride a bike around Sarasota for independence and to get places. I told you I had a septic knee at the time and could not ride my bike, could not get anywhere, and had no friends. I also had brain surgery for an AVM bleed many years ago, which resulted in the visual impairment and other learning disabilities. I have never felt “normal” since then. Your advice was good, and led me to a Guide Dog School. I have been here for four weeks training with a great dog named Jimbo. He loves me, and I him.

My new problem is getting past the feeling that I am not blind enough (like the other 8 students here now) to have this dog. During the first week I was challenged about why it took me so long to decide to get a dog. Instead of saying that I chose not to talk about it, I went on and tried to explain that no one had any rehab 50 years ago for vision, that my vision loss is cortical, not optical. I stammered and felt awful after the incident. Making it worse was the person who asked me this is a totally blind vet who had a grenade explode near his face. He is, of course, the star of the class as far as trainers helping him, etc.

I do not wish to be more blind than I am in any way, but I am feeling less deserving of this dog since graduation is this Thursday, and going home is the same day. I have this crazy idea the school will be checking up on me. I am almost to the point of abandoning the idea and letting a blind person have the dog who “really” needs him. I also am scared of going back to my apartment with a guide dog who does wear a harness when working, and then still wanting to ride my bike. I was honest with everyone involved about the bike riding, and I am legally blind. The bike still gives me so much happiness, but I am afraid of looking like a “fake” with a guide dog one day, and getting on a bike the next day. I am almost 62, and it is my exercise, also.

Please help me sort out these feelings, if you get some time this week.

A. Who is to judge your worthiness? In this situation, it is the guide dog agency.

You were evaluated for a guide dog and found to be worthy. You met the requirements as determined by those whose job it is to make such a determination. If the evaluators did not believe that you were worthy, then you would have been turned down. In their eyes, you are deserving of your new companion, Jimbo.

It is their job to make that determination. You must accept their judgment. They judged you as being worthy of having a guide dog. By suggesting that you are unworthy, or not as worthy as someone else, you are in essence questioning their judgment.

Recognize that your judgment is biased. By suggesting that you are not worthy enough, you are devaluing yourself. Some people overvalue themselves and some undervalue themselves. Based on the tone and content of your letter, you seem to have a tendency to undervalue yourself. It is important to appropriately value yourself in all situations. In this situation, the agency has deemed you as worthy and as such you should accept their judgment.

The reality is you have been deemed worthy. That judgment should extend to all areas of your life. If you struggle with valuing yourself appropriately, then it would be beneficial to seek counseling. Individuals who consistently devalue themselves often struggle with self-esteem issues.

Thank you for updating me on your situation. I hope that you can see the wisdom of accepting reality, can appreciate your worthiness and will thoroughly enjoy your new companion. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I am 39 about to turn 40 and I think I may have asperger’s. I live alone, have only one friend, never dated, can’t hold a conversation with anyone, very intelligent but am completely isolated from people. I hate changes, very anxious and paranoid when things change, can’t understand what people mean when they talk to me (if joke, serious, etc). When I am in a car with someone I rarely if ever speak…I am too busy looking around…even when driving I am committed to the road and my thoughts are constantly changing. I become obsessed when I do meet someone I would like to become friends with and quickly lose them. I want to go get tested but am afraid that being diagnosed with aspergers or something else will prevent me from working. Every job I get I lose because of social interactions…no complaints about doing my job just my interactions with people. I know I can’t keep on like this but am anxious about taking the step to get tested. Even with family I can sit for hours in the room with them and never say a word. I have difficulty when alot of people are around…I NEVER join in on conversations…never know what to say. I just don’t know. Am I one or not…. I am at my wits end with all of this.

A: Some of my very best friends have Aspergers. They are very smart, know a great deal about things that interest them, and they are very loyal friends. The diagnosis itself is not something to fear. If you do find you are an Aspie, it may in fact be quite a relief. You will know what you are dealing with.

Here’s the good news: There are therapists who specialize in helping adults with Aspergers learn how to manage social interactions well enough to get along in the world and to hold a job. You didn’t mention what you do for work. My guess is that you know your field very well. Your therapist or a career counselor who works with Aspies could help you identify a job in your field where there are fewer social demands and where your expertise is valued so much that your social difficulties are overlooked.

Please do get an evaluation from a mental health counselor who works specifically with people who have Aspergers or high-functioning autism. I think you’ve suffered far too long with the uncertainy and loneliness.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hello, I have been married for 16 years and my husband and I are having difficulties. He works from home and I am a stay at home wife/mother. So, we are together 24/7.

We have three children, our youngest, age four has Down Syndrome. He is an awesome child, but a handful.

Lately, my husband has been going out once or twice a week to Sports bars and such and staying out REALLY late. He has never done this before and it is causing some stress in the marriage. I have asked him not to do this, to just come home. He says I am being controlling and that he needs space. He is drinking 4 to 6 drinks a day but doesn’t appear to be drunk. I know that this behavior is destructive. How do I react when he goes out? I am worried about him and I usually cannot sleep until he gets home.

A: Your husband’s drinking and your “controlling” is a signal to the two of you that your marriage is in trouble. Your husband is distancing himself from you and the family and is numbing himself with alcohol. You are right to be scared for him and for the future of your family.

I’m sure your home is a very lively place. The constant togetherness means that neither of you gets a break from the demands of work, parenting and household tasks. A child with Down adds a layer of stress and responsibility that most people don’t have to manage.

Do suggest to your husband that the two of you might benefit from some couples counseling. Sixteen years isn’t something to throw away lighly. Your kids need you to stay together if you possibly can. A counselor can help you figure out how to carve out some time for pesonal interests and friends and how to find time to renew your connection to each other.

If your husband refuses to go to a counselor, start with yourself. A counselor can give you some support and may be able to steer you to some additional sources of help for your youngest. If you haven’t already, do find out if there is a local support group for parents of children with disabilities. There is nothing so affirming as talking to other parents who share our experience. The challenges of meeting the needs of our kids with special needs, responding to the very legitimate needs of their siblings, and taking care of our own needs for adult connection can be daunting.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I really want to make friends, but I can’t seem to. I have never been the most popular person in any situation, and though that’s not my main goal, I strive to make more friends. I’m not quick on my feet and I don’t have much life experience, so carrying on a conversation is hard. I also skipped a grade, so I feel that my classmates think I’m less mature than them, though I know I’m not.

I go to a very small school (~75 people in a grade), so my pool of possibilities isn’t very big. I have also been labeled as “gifted”, and my mom loves to drag me to gifted events, where I don’t connect with the people there. Because I am closed in this “gifted” box, my mom (who pretty much controls my life) disapproves of “normal” people; and those people are exactly the kind of people who I want to befriend.

I have been to several psychologists, and it seems like they just want to help me cope with my issues and not actually help me. But I actually need help! How can I be more outgoing? I feel like I am an extrovert, but I am shy. Is that possible?

A: Yes, there is something called an ambivert, which means you may be both introverted and extroverted. But the label doesn’t give many tools, so let’s see if we can come up with some ideas.

First I would have a mature conversation with your mom. Explain to her that you realize you have talents and skills that are different than others, and one of the things you need to grow is contact with others who have very different backgrounds than you. In other words, ask your mom to help you nurture your gifted features, since she is so invested in them. Let her know you need more and different social activities to grow.

Find something you like that you can learn about outside of school. Dance, guitar, photography, tennis, horseback riding, yoga, etc. are all possibilities, and that will allow you to connect with others while learning something. Expand the size of your pool and I am certain that you will flourish.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

If something was to happen to me my brother would not be able to survive.  I need help. My mother adopted my brother at 13 whom is 21 now.  He had been foster care since he was 2 years old.  They labeled him as mentally ill.  We would hit is head on the wall, get upset and not talk for hours, and walk with his head shaking and hand dangling.  He was in LD classes in school and had visited 33 different schools in his lifetime.  Growing up he moved to main stream classes and currently he is in his 3rd year in college but just started taking regular classes.  My mother passed away in 2007 and it was left to my dad to raise him.  My dad tried to get him help and was told that he could take care of himself.  My dad could not handle it any longer so I took him in.  It took him 7 times to pass his test to get his license.  He does maintain a dish washing job.  The best I can discribe him is he can do things but needs to be reminded and has no sense of reasoning.  Only follows directions but will follow them exactly.  Just yesterday he didn’t understand that if he couldn’t make it to work that he had to let them know.  He thought he could just go in the next day and tell them.  I have remind him to clean his room, and he isn’t apart of the household.  He just stays in his room all the time.  I have realized he needs someone for a lifetime and I can’t provide it.  I am a single mother of three girls and need help.  He needs help with his finances.  I didn’t realize that til he was 500 dollars in the hole and wasn’t paying any bills.  I just don’t know where to start to get him the help that he needs.  Please help.

A: Thanks for writing in for help. I want to commend your for taking in your brother. That is very courageous. It sounds extremely difficult to see no end in sight, and to know how vulnerable he would be in the world without someone to guide and support him. I believe that there are two things that need to happen at this point: 1) access additional support for your brother and 2) find  help and relief for you so you don’t completely burn out.

Does your brother have an official diagnosis? If not, I recommend that you take your brother in for psychological testing and evaluation. Depending on his diagnosis, he may be eligible for additional resources and care through your state, and may qualify for disability benefits. Please consider contacting NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) in North Carolina and inquire about advocacy and support services in your area, and contact your community social services agency here. Your brother may be eligible for some type of supervised housing situation, occupational therapy for life management skills, and other services. Putting some long-term help in place for your brother will hopefully alleviate some of your current burden and decrease your concerns about him if something should happen to you.

In the short run let’s get you some additional help. Can your father take shifts caring for your brother to give you a break on a regular basis? Are there any adult day care services in your area where you could know he was safe? There are resources available. Please reach out for support for both of you.

Take good care of you and yours!

Julie Hanks, LCSW