I know most people think this is stupid but I am really serious with my girlfriend and we have alot of fun together an we are so In love. we r in high school but next year we graduate and we want to move in together. the problem is her parents are ridiculous. they are terrible human beings. we had sex and they got mad at her even tho we were completely safe and we have been together a long time now. they want her to break up with me even tho we have Both improved each others life so much and they threaten to make her transfer schools and she is so scared. her parents don\’t treat her well mine aren\’t the greatest but I\’m worried about her. once her mom even told her that she hates her and that made me so angry. her brother who graduated a while ago really enjoys us as a couple and has no idea about the situation with his mom. he does know we had sex but is totally fine. I know most people think that my problem is stupid and say it’s just a high school relationships but it’s not. I feel something with her and she\’s the only thing that makes me truly happy and we are scared and confused. if u could help me It would mean alot. I know u can\’t solve this problem but I just need support I need someone to tell me our life gets better thank you

A: Being protective of their daughter doesn’t make her parents terrible people. On the other hand, it’s not okay for a mom to tell her daughter that she hates her. It sounds like everyone is upset and may be saying things they regret.

I know it may seem romantic to be in an “us against them” relationship but that seldom works out. Romeo and Juliet were teens whose parents disapproved and we all know how that turned out!

If you want to help settle things down, you need to find a way to forge a respectful relationship with your girlfriend’s parents. That means getting to know them as people and finding ways for them to get to know you. Her parents don’t know about the wonderful qualities that your girlfriend sees. They only see a guy who wants sex with their daughter.

It might help if you and your girlfriend talked with them about how you’ve improved each other’s lives and what you hope for in the future. Show her folks that you are a substantial person. That means doing well in school, maybe having a responsible job or doing some volunteer work, and working toward goals for a good life. They may never agree that it’s okay to have sex outside of marriage but they may be able to accept you being in her life if they see you as a responsible and mature young adult.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

i have been married for 4 yrs and from the first time we had sex he has had problems getting and or maintaining an erection. he has always maintained that it is not me but i am at a loss for what it could be behind this issue. i was hoping that you could offer some insight on possible reasons maybe ideas on underlying issues that could cause this type of long term issues .

A: I’m worried that the ads for ED that drug companies have been putting on television for the last few years have led people to believe that all it takes is their pill to solve this problem. It’s not that simple. One explanation does not fit all. Before deciding on treatment or worrying about who or what is to blame, it’s important to do a systematic analysis.

First, I hope your husband has seen a doctor. Most of the time there is a physical cause, not a psychological one. Some possible medical issues include low testosterone, high blood pressure, atherosclerosis, high cholesterol, obesity, metabolic disorder, diabetes and cardiac disease — to name only a few.

Only after he has been medically cleared should we move to considering a psychological problem. An evaluation by a qualified mental health provider can then be helpful. Psychological problems include stress, depression, former trauma and relationship issues that aren’t being dealt with.

I hope you will encourage your husband to get the assessments he needs. Once he understands the cause of the problem, he’ll be able to decide on treatment so you can both enjoy the tender intimacy you crave.

I wish you well.
Dr, Marie

I have been seeing a married man for almost 2 months now. We work together and have been friends for two years. He and his wife are no longer happy together, but neither of them want to be alone. We recently have gotten very serious and he has decided that he is going to move out of his home and into an apartment. During this time we want to try to see if our relationship is really love or simply lust. I understand that by doing this I am hurting his wife and I don’t want to hurt anyone, it’s not who I am, but I’ve never felt this way about someone before.

Not only do I feel bad about the fact he is married and cheating but I also feel awful lying to my family about the situation. I know it is my private life but I hate lying to my family. I don’t think I will stop seeing him even if advised to. The real issue I’m having a hard time with is lying to my family. Is if ok to lie to my family about my situation or not? Please help me I’m so confused and anxious.

A: There’s a difference between lying and keeping your personal life private. But I don’t think that’s the real question here. The reason you are feeling so anxious about sharing your relationship with your family is that you know in your heart that this situation isn’t going to end up anything but bad. You are with a guy who is cheating! You know that there is something wrong with a guy who will cheat rather than deal with his marriage honorably. That means seeking some counseling or separating cleanly, not sliding into a relationship on the sly with a younger woman. Further, you are violating your own values. You say you aren’t the kind of person to hurt someone else but you are doing exactly that.

An important part of being an adult is being able to make good choices in spite of our feelings. Little kids go after what they want because they feel like it or because it feels good. Adults are able to delay gratification in order to meet longer-term goals.

If this guy truly loves you, he’ll resolve things with his wife and do some personal work to learn from a breakup before he asks you to move in with him. If you love yourself, you will take a huge step back. Are you really willing to betray your own values in order to be with a man who isn’t man enough to deal with things in a mature way? Think about it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

hi, i am married last week. It is an arranged marriage . my husband is my relative whom i called brother till last year. though i like him,whenever he touch me i am afraid. he is pushing me into sex. i am a virgin so am bit afraid and also when ever he tries to talk to me i become angry and snaps at him. i avoid sleeping with him. i feel like i am tied down. i want to make my family happy. what should i do?

A: I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Sex goes with marriage. Your husband’s expectations are not unreasonable. What is unreasonable to me is that you were entered into a marriage so unprepared to be fully a wife. Of course you are scared! Since you two couldn’t get to know each other before you married, you do need to find a way to get emotionally and physically comfortable now.

To get some idea of how to answer your question without using American standards, I did what most people do these days: I went on the Internet. Here’s the most sensible suggestion I found:

“Some traditional cultures which practiced arranged marriage had conventional routines for introducing sexuality into the couple’s new life together. For instance, the Sanskrit Kamasutra of Vatsyayana recommends a multi-day courtship sequence for newly married couples beginning with complete sexual abstinence and progressing through specified forms of romantic wooing to actual sexual activity.”

I hope that you and your husband can work on this together. Arranged marriages can and do work. But it takes a willingness to be sensitive to each other, to listen to each other, and to be willing to make the effort.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

This is really hard for me to talk about, but ever since I was 12 I’ve been sexually interest to animals (dogs in particular) I know this is wrong and I hate myself for it. I find myself dreaming about sex with dogs, and surfing the internet for bestiality videos. Now, I volunteer at a Animal Shelter (For my Honors Club, I was volunteered by the coordinator and I had no say) and I never look at a dog and say “Oh that dog is hot” or ” I want to have sex with that pup” and That doesn’t seem to fit the zoophilia prophile (according to the internet at least) I just wanted to know if this is just my adolescent curiosity or is a fetish? If it is a fetish, should I tell my parents and seek help?

A. I wouldn’t characterize your sexual feelings for animals as “adolescent curiosity.” It’s an unusual interest. Giving your expressed sexual interest in animals, it would be best for you, at least temporarily, to remove yourself from situations in which you are interacting with animals. I would also advise against viewing any sexual content that involves animals. Being in the presence of animals, and viewing content of a sexual nature that involves animals, may be reinforcing your sexual interest. In other words, it may be making it stronger. Avoid any activity that is reinforcing your sexual interest in animals.

Yes, you should ask your parents to assist you in beginning counseling. Your sexual interest in animals is unhealthy and requires treatment. Any contact of a sexual nature with animals is also illegal.

It would be a good idea to have an evaluation by a trained professional. Remember, you haven’t done anything wrong. You are only having fantasies. Techniques to end those fantasies are available and your therapist can guide you.

I’m sure it wasn’t easy to ask this question and I commend you for being open to seeking treatment. Psychotherapy could extinguish your interest in animals. That should be the goal. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

3 months ago I went back to my home country. I fell in love with my best friend’s elder sister. She is 2 years older than me. We had known each other 3years back but we never spoke. This time we dated few times and then fell in love with each other. We are soon planning to marry each other but her past is killing me inside.

1) She had past 2 relations, I was a virgin. She is my first. She told me she never loved them. Both her 2 relations were only for fun. She never wanted to marry them. She had planned to just have fun and mess around. Later in life, she would marry some rich old man because she never believed in love. She had two men who wanted to marry her but she had kept them just as an option because she dint love anyone. She had also accepted to marry one of them. When we met, I had no idea of such thing. We fell in love and now she has stopped talking to all of them. We are soon planning to get married.

2) In her past relations, she dint even wanted to have sex. She had sex with them just because she they were gf and bf and it was necessary. She dint even like kissing them. Since we have been together, all these thought have changed.am I being lied to? The visions of her and her exes having sex never seem to get out of my mind. It is making me sick inside. The fact that she had them for fun never seems to go away. I do want to marry her and love her but the fact that she’s been there done that makes me hurt.

3) Her past often makes me angry and it is affecting our relation.
I love her but hate her for her past.
Kindly please help me,
thank you

A: It is not uncommon for people to have had a few intimate relationships by their late 20s. My guess is that you being a virgin and her having had experience in relationships is at the root of your concern. It is hard to imagine something we have not experienced.

That having been said it is important to note that at this stage of life it is unlikely that you will meet anyone that has not had a past romantic relationship. I would focus on the here and now you have with her. Here is what you have said:

1. She has stopped contact with others. This is a very good sign of her intention and commitment.
2. She has described her relationships in a way that makes sense – meaning that she was not in love and maintained them because she wanted options.
3. Her relationship with you has changed her thoughts and feelings about herself and what she wants.

Taken together this would seem to be a good indication of her commitment and willingness to be a partner with you. Your relationship is new, and this will mean that as you grow together these concerns are likely to take a back seat. Meditation may be an excellent way for you to modulate your feelings and angst about the situation. Over time her commitment to you will dispel these concerns.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My daughter is 15. Her boyfriend is 14. They started dating in September. i met his dad in October and we began dating secretly. We both are divorced and have an agreement with our kids that no one is introduced to the kids unless it is serious. We are now at a point where a decision has to be made. Do we continue to date or for sake of kids, stop dating? We both really like each other and enjoy each others company. Neither one of us have dated anyone in which we click this well. What should we do? Neither of us like sneaking all round or lying to our kids. Kids are on to us and we have both denied dating the other. Help!

A: Although this may feel a bit awkward, it’s not insurmountable. To me, it shows that this man raised a good son. You and your daughter both see something in this family that is appealing.

I’m impressed that you and your friend have waited to make sure you are serious before involving the kids. This is wise, regardless of your current situation. Now that you want to move it to the next level, by all means be straight with the kids. You kept it from them for good reason and you can tell them so. Having decided to continue, you certainly don’t want to be role-modeling that sneaky behavior is okay.

One caution: Be sure to caution the kids that because you and your boyfriend are moving forward, it doesn’t mean that they are locked into their relationship with each other. They are very young. Chances are they are going to change as they grow. It’s highly unlikely that they will end up together. Indeed, I hope they will go through a number of relationships before they settle on their forever person. One thing to talk about is how they can enjoy each other’s company now without creating a situation that would become very uncomfortable for them if they were to eventually become stepsiblings.

Conversations about the advisability of waiting for sex are definitely in order. Forbidding it would probably go in one ear and out the other. But, please, 14 and 15 is really too young to get sexually involved. I suggest each parent have a frank conversation with your own child to talk clearly about the implications of being sexual at this point in their relationship. Remind them that the rules are different for people who are in their 40s. Urge them to wait at least a couple of years, both to give themselves time to mature a bit more and to see how the current situation sorts itself out.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I recently was propositioned for sex by two girls at the same time. Alcohol and drugs were in the mix (after a 3 month period of sobriety.) i initially said yes but when the situation occured I got very nervous and couldn’t pull the trigger. I was not erect and actually had to leave the room, it was very embaressing. I have always had trouble getting an erection (even during my first sexual encounter and practically everyone since) and have had to somewhat rely of viagra. It is very hard for me to have sex without being somewhat drunk. I think the real problem is some combination of my being so nervous, and having a low libido. It is very frustrating and makes me feel like less of a man, or that a real man could get the job done. Is there any effective treatment for this or will have to suffer thru it.

A: I can tell this distresses you a lot. But I think you are defining the problem in a way that makes it impossible for you to solve it. I don’t think you are not man enough or that you have a sexual problem. I think you are trying to have sex without the love and intimacy and tenderness that a sensitive guy like yourself needs in order to be intimate.

Instead of focusing on sexual prowess, I think you need to put your attention on finding a person you can love and cherish who loves and cherishes you back. When you do, the two of you will love exploring each other’s bodies and finding ways to give each other pleasure through touch and closeness and, yes, sex.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am a 24 years old married and mother of two. I have been married for three years now. I met my husband three and a half years ago. I got pregnant with in a few months after we met and we decided to get married. I was a student and did not not have a job.

Right after we got married, we started to have issues. Thinking about it now, he was never my type and I was never in love with him. I was young and made one of the biggest mistake of my life which was to get married simply because I was pregnant. Do not get me wrong, my husband is a nice guy. He did a lot of good things for me and I made a lot of positive changes in my life because of him. He tried to show his love as much and has always been a faithful guy. However, I always felt like there was lack of intimacy in our relationship. I think the problem was that our sex life was amazing and we were blindsided by that. Now that our sex life is not as attractive anymore, it seems like there is nothing interesting left in our relationship.

I have tried and tried for three years but I can not even get myself to kiss him anymore.Sex is a torture for me. I feel like being raped every time we have sex. Or I will have to think about someone else in order to get in the same mood. It is eating me up alive. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than to live like this.I lost that attraction to him with in a few weeks after we moved in together.

Sometimes,I think about the life I will have if we separate and it gives me this amazing feeling. I never felt sad when I think about life without him. I do feel this guilt and fear of-course but never sadness. Right now, I feel like I am stuck. I never felt this lonely in my life ever. I feel like I need some time for myself. I love my kids and I want to be there for them.But I can’t stand my husband anymore.Every word he speaks irritates me. Even when he tries to be nice,it is so irritating. I tried to be nice to him but I seem to find something to complain about. But then again, I feel this guilt when I think about leaving him.

He has been a good husband and father throughout the years, but I can not bring myself to love him. I just cannot see myself with him for the rest of my life. I want to love him but I cannot. There are no stories that I did not tell myself to convince myself to be in love and bring back that attraction. But nothing ever worked.Our way of communication is bad and there is little to no respect in our marriage what is so over. Now the dilemma is that even though I know I gave it all i got for the past three years, I just can not seem to be sure if divorce is the right decision for me. I know deep inside that the relationship is beyond damaged, but why can’t I just let it go and move on? why do I feel this way? I am dying inside and it is affecting every aspect of my life. It is like I am in a mental prison right now. I want to be free. I want to be happy.HELP ME PLEASE!!!

A: I can’t tell you whether you should get a divorce on the basis of only a letter. I can sympathize with your pain and confusion. The situation you describe sounds awful. I’m guessing he is as miserable as you are. He can’t not know that you are turned off by him. It’s to both your credit that you have stayed together this long. I suspect it’s partly because neither one of you really wants your kids to be split between houses and partly because there are still memories of that intoxicating time when there was great sex and passion between you. Sex can be a powerful glue.

My best advice is that the two of you should go to see a couples counselor. Counseling isn’t always to help a couple get back together. Sometimes it’s intended to help people learn from their experience and to pull apart in a way that takes care of everyone — you, your husband, and the kids. Even if you do divorce, you two will be co-parenting for years. If your children are to grow up emotionally healthy, you need to reclaim your respect for each other and to operate cooperatively. That alone is good enough reason to spend some time in a counselor’s office. Further, chances are the two of you will also learn things that will help you not make the same mistakes when you start looking for mates again.

If he won’t go to see a counselor, please go yourself. You need help to either change this destructive situation or to get out of it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend and I been together for 3 years (we’re 22) and at the beginning of our relationship it was rocky but we gotten much better so I thought. My boyfriend’s career is a tattoo artist so he tattoos girls and guys in the most private places, but I dealt with that after all that’s how we met. However he flirts with these females and I don’t mean a glance or a hi, he texts them and is on social networks getting with these females asking them out to dinner, making sexual remarks, inviting them over to OUR house (we live together). He says things and wants to do things that he DOESNT do with me (he seems like he’s all talk and no action).

The first time I found out I yelled at him (big argument) found out oral sex was involved so I cheated purposely. he found out. We worked on the issues and I’ve never cheated but now I want to because the same problem is occurring no matter HOW I address the problem. I don’t know what to do, I’ve been dealing with this problem since the beginning and the biggest problem is they’re his female clients??? HELPPPP I ALWAYS WIND UP FORGIVING HIM, HE NEVER TELLS ME THE TRUTH WHEN I FIND OUT, I THREATENED TO DUMP HIM- HE CRIES AND HE DOES IT AGAIN

A: This relationship is going nowhere. You don’t trust your boyfriend. He continues to give you reasons not to. He has an active fantasy life that goes beyond talk. He’s asking these women out to dinner and inviting them into your home.

You aren’t blameless. Your response to his behavior is to cheat to get even. Obviously, it doesn’t work. Of more concern, it shows you to be as immature as he is. You then fall for it when he cries and you let yourself get talked into trying again. What a painful and pointless cycle. He lies. You cheat. He cries. You give in. And the whole thing goes around again.

I suggest that you take responsibility for your part of this endless game and get out of it. Learn from your mistake. Make yourself available to someone who is ready and able to be in a committed relationship without all the drama.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

There’s a girl I met at my college who seems cool, and is very pretty. We’ve hung out a few times and things seem to be going well but a question she recently asked has me concerned. She said, “How would you react if u were with a girl who u love, and she reveals to u that she was born a guy?”
It could have been hypothetical but I’m not sure why she would ask that hypothetically. She definitely has a girl’s body: she is short, curvy, has no visible Adam’s apple, small hands and feet, and also has a girl’s voice and temperament. Still, that question keeps popping into my head and makes me wonder if this girl is transgendered. Could it have been hypothetical? How do I find out? Do I somehow bring it up?
I have nothing wrong with anyone who is transgendered, but if this girl was once a male–whether she was born a male and had a sex change or was born with ambiguous genitalia and was assigned female–I would like to know (if the latter is correct I’d have no problem continuing to date her, but the former would bother me a little bit.) We have yet to do anything more than kiss, and I would like to find an answer to this question before things go any further.

A: I think the only way to get to the bottom of this is to be direct and ask her where her question came from. Many transgendered people go through a stage of identity ambiguity where they strive to find what is called transgender congruence: A sense of feeling comfortable and authentic with their gender identity. Unless you ask you will not know the purpose of her question. Once you learn this you will be in a better place to make a decision about your feelings.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

From Serbia: Hello,first of all i want to say that i am sorry for possible mistakes because my English is not perfect.This is my story:
When i was 17 i met some guy on Facebook and he was 30 and he had a girlfriend.I thought it’s ok because it is just chatting.But 2 years after,i came to study in the same city where he is living.At that moment,his girlfriend was his fiance.I told him that i came to college and i thought it’s a good idea to meet him.When i met him i was so disappointed.I didn’t like him at all.But than he started to send me messages and he made me think about him and i started to have some kind of relationship with him.I told him that i didn’t have sex and he said that we can’t be together if we don’t have sex,but month after,he called me again and he said that he can wait.In February last year he told me that his fiance is pregnant and that we can’t see each other anymore.I was so sad and i told my mom,sister and some friends about that relationship.I was thinking about him,but 6 months after,i stopped.In September he called me again and we started to chat and i was with him again.I felt regret for his wife,she was pregnant and he called me,but i thought that he likes me because we still didn’t have sex and he called me,not some other girl with who he can have it easily.But little after New Year he stopped to call me,and few days ago i sent him message and he told me that he can’t be with me until we have sex.I found out that his girlfriend is rich so i guess maybe it is the reason why he is with her.I really don’t think that he likes her,cause he was chatting with me all the time,until she was just a girlfriend.I am so confused,i know that this is bad and i promised my family and friends that i will not make the same mistake,so i can’t tell about this anyone.I really don’t know what to do

A: What you should do is run. This guy is a cat and you’ve been his willing mouse. Why on earth would you want to have anything to do with a man who is betraying his pregnant wife by playing games with you? If he will do it to her, I assure you he will eventually do the same to you. Why are you letting this guy kind of blackmail you into having sex when you barely know each other? I would hope that you’ll only have sex with someone who loves you deeply and who wants to really be with you. And why are you willing to participate in this guy’s despicable behavior toward his wife instead of sending him home to deal with her honestly? If you were married, you’d be rightfully hurt and furious with any woman who didn’t back you up.

This man isn’t worth thinking about, yet you do. I wonder if the drama with this guy is helping you avoid thinking about why you haven’t found an appropriate person to love. You’ve given up 3 years when you could have been learning how to relate to men and finding a loving man to be in your life. Please stop occupying yourself with this destructive fantasy relationship and take an honest look at whether you really want romance. If you do, the next step is to figure out how to meet a quality guy who will cherish you for yourself and not demand sex as payment for the relationship. You deserve far better than what this man is offering.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

It came to my attention that my daughter (almost 17) was playing around with my husband (stepdad). They were poking, kicking, etc – just playing. She got up, went to the bathroom, took off her bra, came back to where he was and proceeded to take his hand and put it up her shirt onto her breast. The lines between the two of them have been blurred for quite some time. She has often acted like a jealous girlfriend – for example, she would get angry if he wanted to sit next to me or take me out instead of sitting next to her or taking her to the batting cages. I have repeatedly talked to them both to no avail. Now this happened – not once, but twice. They’ve apologized. I have other children – including one with him. I have no income of my own or family to run to to just up and leave. And I’m just not sure what to do. We’ve been together for 13 years. I blame her for being so provocative with him (something she does not display around here), but I blame him exponentially more. He didn’t tell me, he lied to me about it, he could have acted like a parent and said this is wrong, or even used his strength to not allow his hand to go there. Instead, he claimed that he got freaked out, squeezed her breast and said boop! Help!

A: This is very, very serious. You say the boundaries have been blurred for quite some time. Maybe what you are interpreting as jealous and provocative behaviors are your daughter’s efforts to tell you in the only way she can to wake up! Your husband is not drawing appropriate boundaries. It may be that he has been molesting her. It may be that he has threatened or bribed her to keep quiet about it.

You keep talking to the two of them as if they are equals in the situation. They are not. She is your child. He is a man who is supposed to be keeping her safe. He may be justifying his behavior on the grounds that he is not related biologically to her but he is her stepfather, not her boyfriend. One slip in the boundaries is perhaps a “mistake.” More that once? Please! You are in serious denial.

Your daughter needs help, not talk. In your state, sexual abuse is defined as when a parent or other adult uses a child under age 18 for sexual gratification. Your husband should be reported to Child Protective Services at 855-GA-CHILD . That’s easier said than done, I know, especially since you feel dependent on him. For that reason, I suggest you first call your state’s 24-Hour Statewide Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-33-HAVEN. Although you may not think of yourself as being a victim of domestic violence, your daughter certainly is. The counselors at the hotline can help you figure out how to keep everyone safe and how to manage without your husband, should that be necessary.

All of you — your daughter, you, and your husband — need counseling. Your daughter needs help sorting out what has been a confusing and abusive situation. If she has been manipulated or “brainwashed” to think her stepdad’s behavior is OK, she is especially vulnerable. You need emotional support as well as some practical help to keep your family secure and afloat during a difficult time. Since you husband can’t keep his hands to himself, he needs to leave until he has done some serious personal work. He must take responsibility for his behavior and he has to learn impulse control before he can be part of the family.

Please don’t let your fears prevent you from taking action. Your daughter, and your other children, need a tiger-mom right now. They deserve to feel safe from sexual abuse in their own home. If your daughter is to have a chance for a normal relationship with a partner someday, she needs you to get the family the help you all need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My boyfriend and I have an up and down relationship. He also has PTSD and I don’t think its only from Iraq. I think his past has a lot to do with it. He has called me names (which I actually don’t take offense too) or calls me dumb or stupid (I do HATE that though). He always react as in a split second, is irrational and blames me for most everything. Even the way he acts. He hates talking to me about anything serious that has to do with the relationship and sometimes he comes back and apologizes. He randomly tells me he loves me or appreciates me. He was taking Valium for his anxiety but quit it and now he takes methadone which I actually think helps him a lot. He doesn’t recognize my accomplishments, he is very selfish, he days he will do things for me and then the tiniest thing will throw him off. We did break up for a month last January and he kept writing me.I am sympathetic to his past and I do not treat him like a charity case but I am very devoted, I support his decisions whether I agree with them or not, I say I told ya so or way to go, he is not affectionate and rarely says I love you to me. Sex is another thing. I know he enjoys sex with me but he can never seem to to last and if its not that he just doesn’t want to be touched so attempting to even initiate something ends up making me feel completely rejected. I never pressure him to talk about Iraq, I will do anything for him and even though I feel safe physically I don’t mentally. I lfeel like he is going to kick me and my daughter out. He was kicking us out on and off for a while. He will not get help because he would have to pay since he does not go to the VA (I dont blame him that place is a joke). I don’t know what to do or what I’m doing but I have thought of leaving but I love him too much to do that to him, like everyone else. Is there anything I can do to make things a little smoother on us? I don’t think he will break up with me wither, I think I’m the one that has to leave. He claims to be ok with it if I did but I know he would be contacting me within a week.

A. You should ask him to receive counseling. If he’s unwilling, then there’s little else you can do. It will then be up to you to make a decision about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

As it stands, the relationship could not be described as healthy. He does not treat you well. Perhaps that’s because of his history and time at war but nonetheless, he does not treat you well.

Suggest individual counseling. If he is unwilling to attend individual counseling perhaps he would be willing to attend couples counseling. If he is unwilling to do either, then you must decide your next move. If nothing changes, then I would advise against staying in this relationship. It’s concerning that he can treat you badly and you are willing to stay.

It would be advantageous for you to enter therapy. One reason is that you would gain much-needed emotional support during this difficult period of time. Another would be to explore the reasons why you are accepting of a partner who is emotionally abusive. Therapy could help you immensely.

He may be experiencing psychological problems but that does not make it okay for him to treat you badly. You should not accept it as an excuse. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

For about two years I have sort of thought that people can hear the thoughts in my head and recently I also feel like God, Jesus, demons and the devil talk to me in my head and I talk with them. I have started to feel more important than everyone else, I have started to think some people don’t deserve to be on the same planet as me. All my life when I have watched shows about killers I hated them and wanted to torture and kill them but I feel like I am different and I should be able to kill because I know wrong from right better than everyone else really, I would kill people who deserve to die and go to hell. I also have opposite thoughts, I obsessed with and sexually attracted to Jeffry Dahmer, I have repeated dreams about being back in time and changing his sexuality to like women and killing with him even though I know it is all wrong and strange. I am starting to become scared of myself. Do I need help?

A. Much of what you are feeling is abnormal. It’s especially concerning that you hear voices. You also described feeling “more important than anyone else.” From a clinical perspective, you may be experiencing grandiosity which occurs when an individual has an exaggerated belief about their abilities. Both hearing voices and experiencing grandiosity are signs of a possible psychotic disorder.

Your beliefs that you “should be able to kill” and that you would “kill people who deserve to die an go to hell” is also concerning. It’s also abnormal to obsess and to be sexually attracted to Jeffrey Dahmer. Jeffrey Dahmer was a cannibal who murdered people. He destroyed the lives of many families. There’s nothing romantic or intriguing about him. In the view of the majority, he is an immoral individual who deserved to be incarcerated for the rest of his life.

Yes, it would be in your best interest to seek help. You stated that you’re “scared of yourself” which means that you may be losing your ability to control your behavior. See a mental health professional immediately. If you feel you cannot control your behavior and that you are at risk of harming someone, it is imperative that you go to the hospital or call 911. Don’t ignore this problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice