I have always felt different than everyone else. I had never had real friends or anything besides my family (that is, my dad, my brother, and my mom); it’s not that I am myself with them; it’s more like they accept me with all of my eccentricities. I love math and I am currently participating in the Math Olympiad; thanks to it I knew about Aperger. There was a girl in there that was the only one I talked to, but unlike me, she could talk to everyone. One day (it happened two years ago) my father told me that the other girl father’s approached him and asked him if I had Aperger, because he saw me clumsy and antisocial and I remembered him of his daughter (that’s how we discovered that the other girl have Asperger). My father had never heard about this syndrome, so he investigated and told my family about what had happened and the symptoms and everyone began to make jokes about how I have Asperger and how I was even worse than the other girl, that last till this day. I try to ignore the jokes and pretend that I don’t care, but I am always wondering why they do this; if they actually think I have Asperger, and if they do why they had never been interested in trying to find out for sure. I don’t tell them anything because I am not sure if I want to be diagnosed. In a way I think I will feel better if I knew I have Asperger because then there will be a lot of other persons suffering the same thing, and I will feel less alone, but on the other hand, I don’t like been labeled and it would be useless anyway since I don’t think I will accept therapy. I am currently going with a psychologist (I had had three sessions) because of depression and anxiety but one of the things that she also treats is autism, so I been thinking about telling her so maybe she could send me to a professional or something, but I don’t want to sound as if I wanted to have Asperger. Is being diagnosed going to help me feel better? And should I tell my family first about my concerns?

A: I am very glad you are asking the question and writing us here. I think the best place to start now is with your psychologist because your family has not been as helpful as you would have hoped. Talk to the psychologist. She will be able to give your more information about what Asperger’s is, give your some idea of what treatments are available for it, and most important, give you a sense of the range of indicators that are part of making a diagnosis. She is the safest person for you to talk to about it right now.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My boyfriend has an anger issue n I have been the victim for a long time. We both live together and he finds silly reasons to get angry on me or hit me even. He is mean in every way he can be but when I say I will him he apologizes and gives me fake promises. It’s really getting hard for me to take it but I cannot leave him as I feel pity on him, as he has no other family. I need help to cure his problem.

A: Thank you for being so courageous as to write us here at Psych Central. Many times when I get an email with a question there are two sides to consider and it is rare that I make direct suggestions someone should do to change. Your email prompts a very different response. You need to find a way to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

I have considerable experience in working with angry men in domestic relationships. They are typically not motivated for change, promise they will treat their girlfriends better, but never do, and often escalate until there is a serious medical or legal problem. You deserve more than to be in a relationship out of pity, and he will not learn how unacceptable his behavior is until he loses someone he says he cares about. In other words, you staying allows him to remain unchallenged with his problem. It is time to go.

But do not go without support. Anger management issues with men often involve issues of control and jealousy. In your country you may want to get support from your family and church about how to go about getting out of the relationship. In general the men do not change until something drastic happens – like their girlfriend leaves them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have been seeing a married man for almost 2 months now. We work together and have been friends for two years. He and his wife are no longer happy together, but neither of them want to be alone. We recently have gotten very serious and he has decided that he is going to move out of his home and into an apartment. During this time we want to try to see if our relationship is really love or simply lust. I understand that by doing this I am hurting his wife and I don’t want to hurt anyone, it’s not who I am, but I’ve never felt this way about someone before.

Not only do I feel bad about the fact he is married and cheating but I also feel awful lying to my family about the situation. I know it is my private life but I hate lying to my family. I don’t think I will stop seeing him even if advised to. The real issue I’m having a hard time with is lying to my family. Is if ok to lie to my family about my situation or not? Please help me I’m so confused and anxious.

A: There’s a difference between lying and keeping your personal life private. But I don’t think that’s the real question here. The reason you are feeling so anxious about sharing your relationship with your family is that you know in your heart that this situation isn’t going to end up anything but bad. You are with a guy who is cheating! You know that there is something wrong with a guy who will cheat rather than deal with his marriage honorably. That means seeking some counseling or separating cleanly, not sliding into a relationship on the sly with a younger woman. Further, you are violating your own values. You say you aren’t the kind of person to hurt someone else but you are doing exactly that.

An important part of being an adult is being able to make good choices in spite of our feelings. Little kids go after what they want because they feel like it or because it feels good. Adults are able to delay gratification in order to meet longer-term goals.

If this guy truly loves you, he’ll resolve things with his wife and do some personal work to learn from a breakup before he asks you to move in with him. If you love yourself, you will take a huge step back. Are you really willing to betray your own values in order to be with a man who isn’t man enough to deal with things in a mature way? Think about it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Hi! The last few months i have been seeing this girl. At first she said that the man she was with when i first met her was her dance partner who i a lot older. The second time we went out as friends she told me he is her boyfriend and that he don’t know i see her all the time. Last week we went dancing and her boyfriend was there and they didn’t even talk to each other and after he left she told me which one he was and that he was there! The next day she invited me to a party to meet her friends
And was flirting with me , leaning on me, always grabbing me as she always does when we are together. I over heard her say to a friend what do you think of him?And they said they like me much more than her boyfriend and she said i dont know what i see in my boyfriend? One friend even told me its the happiest she’s see her in a long time when shes with me. And she phone messaged me after to say she was so happy that her friends like me and they invited me to another party.

So yesterday i put a big hint out that i really like her and she told me she only wants to be friends and loves her boyfriend. After wanting me to met her friends and talking to her friends about how much she likes me and im so cute. Am i just being played with?
Am i just the guy that she can throw around in front of her friends? Or is she just not sure which one she loves?

I just dont know any help would be much appreciated!

A: This girl is either a big tease or she doesn’t know what she wants. Either way, I think you owe it to yourself to put some distance between you. At 24, she’s too old to be playing games like this and you’re too old to put up with it. I suggest you let her know you like her but that you are not interested until she is certain she wants to give a relationship with you a chance. Then stick to it. She’ll respect you more for it. More important, you’ll respect yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I feel like crying all the time and I’m not able to concentrate on any task or talk to someone.
My sister got divorced after a 2 year marriage and it has been 2 years and still she is not able to recover from the trauma. Our financial status was not also not so good since childhood due to problems in my father’s job.Also,we do not get any support from our father either psychological or financial since many years. My sister’s earning since almost 9 years. I have done a professional course but am not settled as of now in my career.
Having faced so many problems at age of 23,these days m feeling too low. I don’t feel like talking to anyone and always feel like crying.

Pl help asap!!

A: I am sorry you are having so many difficulties in your family and I deeply appreciate the fact that you don’t want to talk to someone, but felt comfortable enough to write to us here at Psych Central.

It sounds like there are many factors with your family that you do not have control over. During times like these the most reasonable response is to focus on your own growth and needs. Self-care is perhaps the most important task you can invest in for yourself.

My advice is to build on the courage you displayed here by reaching out to a counselor or clergyperson to begin discussing your options. Writing us here was a very good first step.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I spent last winter in an apathetic state where I completely lost interest in things that were important to me and I avoided interacting with friends at all costs. I spent my days distracting myself with videos and mindless things. At the start of this year I started to feel better. My writer’s block wore off and I felt like I could relate to others again. Mid February I broke down into tears one night for no reason, alone in my room. Nothing had triggered it, but on and off after that I had more cry spells and I felt terrible some days. I couldn’t sleep.

Lately these feelings have been building up more frequently, and sometimes I become very sad in public, and I feel as if I can’t hold it in. My health has also suffered. I get sick easily when I get no sleep, I’ve had migraines lasting several hours to a couple days and muscle cramps randomly during the day. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them about how I’ve been feeling. I have no close friends; I’d reduced contact with all of them when university started because I didn’t like being around other people. I know that even if I were close to any of them, I still couldn’t tell them. I’m able to socialize easily with others, but I can’t trust easily.

All the things that didn’t bother me before are affecting me now, and I feel like I’m alienating myself around strangers. Lately I’ve been having thoughts about suicide, even though I know I would never act upon them. I’m distracted at school and at work, and I think of myself as a lost cause that’s not worth the motivation. I really want to beat this on my own and am hesitant about approaching a school counselor, even though I’ve felt bad enough to have thought about it. I want to believe that this is a short term, temporary thing, but I have no idea

A. You are not a “lost cause.” You, in all likelihood, have depression. It’s reoccurring and it seems that your episodes are worse with each reoccurrence. The fact that you’re considering suicide is evidence of the seriousness of your condition.

You have been suffering with this condition for at least a year. It is degrading your life to a significant degree. You’ve been hesitant about seeking help but you should not be. You should not have waited this long to seek help. You should have sought help when you first began to notice the depression. I’ve noticed that sometimes people believe that they have to wait until their symptoms are severe “enough” before they receive help. Ideally, one should receive help upon the emergence of troublesome symptoms. The sooner the better.

Sometimes people also believe, like you, that is important to solve one’s own problems. Perhaps it’s due to pride. It may be due to the fact that some people feel stigmatized by seeking psychological treatment. In their view, the fact that they sought professional help is a sign that they are a failure. Nothing could be further from the truth. There shouldn’t be any hesitancy to seek professional help. Mental health professionals specialize in the very problems with which you suffer. Depression is also very treatable. Don’t wait any longer to receive help. Approach the school counselor immediately and report all of your symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

3 months ago I went back to my home country. I fell in love with my best friend’s elder sister. She is 2 years older than me. We had known each other 3years back but we never spoke. This time we dated few times and then fell in love with each other. We are soon planning to marry each other but her past is killing me inside.

1) She had past 2 relations, I was a virgin. She is my first. She told me she never loved them. Both her 2 relations were only for fun. She never wanted to marry them. She had planned to just have fun and mess around. Later in life, she would marry some rich old man because she never believed in love. She had two men who wanted to marry her but she had kept them just as an option because she dint love anyone. She had also accepted to marry one of them. When we met, I had no idea of such thing. We fell in love and now she has stopped talking to all of them. We are soon planning to get married.

2) In her past relations, she dint even wanted to have sex. She had sex with them just because she they were gf and bf and it was necessary. She dint even like kissing them. Since we have been together, all these thought have changed.am I being lied to? The visions of her and her exes having sex never seem to get out of my mind. It is making me sick inside. The fact that she had them for fun never seems to go away. I do want to marry her and love her but the fact that she’s been there done that makes me hurt.

3) Her past often makes me angry and it is affecting our relation.
I love her but hate her for her past.
Kindly please help me,
thank you

A: It is not uncommon for people to have had a few intimate relationships by their late 20s. My guess is that you being a virgin and her having had experience in relationships is at the root of your concern. It is hard to imagine something we have not experienced.

That having been said it is important to note that at this stage of life it is unlikely that you will meet anyone that has not had a past romantic relationship. I would focus on the here and now you have with her. Here is what you have said:

1. She has stopped contact with others. This is a very good sign of her intention and commitment.
2. She has described her relationships in a way that makes sense – meaning that she was not in love and maintained them because she wanted options.
3. Her relationship with you has changed her thoughts and feelings about herself and what she wants.

Taken together this would seem to be a good indication of her commitment and willingness to be a partner with you. Your relationship is new, and this will mean that as you grow together these concerns are likely to take a back seat. Meditation may be an excellent way for you to modulate your feelings and angst about the situation. Over time her commitment to you will dispel these concerns.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year. We’ve been through a lot but always found a way to work things out. Our biggest problem I believe is communication and my insecurities. We have taken some big steps recently. We both have children and introduced them to each other a few weeks ago. He has also met my father and my son’s father. However, I have yet to meet his parents. Sometimes that bothers me because it makes me feel like I’m not good enough in his eyes. Recently I stayed the night with him and everything was fine until the early morning. He got up around 4-5 and just left the room. I was just laying there wondering if I did something. He comes back in about an hour or two and lays back down. At this point I had to get up to go to work. I was very upset and just left without saying a word. We had had a heated discussion via text that morning but nothing was resolved. I have not heard from him since. I am unsure of what course of action I should take? Should I reach out to him or let him be?

A: Reach out. When couples go to the next level of intimacy and inclusion many dynamics are activated and fears can be aroused. The key is to talk, not text, about it. Sit down and begin talking about what you need and want from the relationship. I would do this sooner rather than later. You may want to find a couples therapist to help you through this. Check the find help tab at the top of this page to find one in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

I have been married to my husband for 18 years this December. We have two beautiful sons together. My husband treats one son more favorably than the other. Both of our sons are biologically for him. He has cheated on me more times than I can count. He constantly makes what’s wrong our relationship my fault because in his word, “I like to keep the drama going!” His keeping the drama is when I ask him where he has been when he comes home, supposedly from the gym for the past 4 hours everyday. He calls me selfish when I ask him to stay home and spend time with the family. He says that I always want to keep him from doing what he wants to do. He works at night, he’s a police officer for the Department of Defense.

Could someone please tell me how to begin the process for a divorce? Mostly at this point, it was/is my fear that keeps me from making the first step. But I know in my heart of hearts and deep in my soul, I need to make that step. If not for me, but for the sake of our sons. I don’t want them to be damaged by what they see and hear their father doing to me.

A: I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is clear this isn’t what you want (or anyone wants) in a marriage. I would honor your fear. It will be important to create a large system of support as you go through this. I highly recommend you contact your local women’s center and begin counseling with them. They will have referrals for low- or no-cost legal counseling as well. They will be able to help you get the ball rolling.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

When I was in 2nd grade, I was molested by the grandfather of a neighbor, who was a couple years older than me. I don’t remember all the specifics of what happened with him, but I do remember sitting on his leg while not wearing any bottoms. I remember worrying about what we were doing was wrong and saying this to him. He replied that I shouldn’t worry, his granddaughter did this with him all the time. She wasn’t a particularly good friend, but at the time I thought horrible things about her and blamed her for it.

Now, years later, I know this isn’t my fault and I was just a child. But I have no much guilt for not telling anyone because I might have been able to help the granddaughter. At the time, I hated because of it, and now looking back on it, she was probably a victim as well.

I’m in therapy and keep trying to bring this up, but my biggest fear is that she’ll say something that absolves me of this guilt. I feel like my whole world is dedicated to helping children, because I didn’t help this one girl and I don’t feel I deserve closure or forgiveness.

A: Please do bring it up. Unlike most people who feel guilty, you are taking action to make the world a better place. Too often, guilt is a substitute for action. You are transforming a terrible experience into motivation to do something meaningful and useful. That was such a wise and important decision for your own growth as well as for the kids you are helping.

As for the forgiveness part: Please remember that you were only 7 years old at the time. I want you to look around the next time you are at a mall and spot the 7-year-olds. Look at how little and innocent they really are. Kids that age believe the grownups! They have to. They are dependent on the adults.

You were just like them — little, dependent, confused and scared. You knew something was wrong but you also thought you were powerless to stop a big person who was in control. You did what most little kids do: You looked for a way to feel less out of control so you blamed it on someone your own size. That felt more manageable.

It’s long past time for forgiving that little girl who was you. You would do the same for any other little girl who was scared, confused, and upset. Why won’t you do it for yourself?

Please take your letter and this response to your next session. You can continue doing your good work without the burden of unearned guilt for something that happened 27 years ago.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I am 20 years old and in a relationship with a girl my age, and we have been together for about 8 months now. This girl is great, she is super nice and has a great sense of humour and is gorgeous, but for some reason a part of me just isn’t sure if I want to be in the relationship or not.
My last relationship was not a good one, I was with her for a year and she had lied to me multiple times and cheated on me about 3 times, and I did not handle it very well and it was shattering to my confidence.
This relationship I am in now is however, very good, we hardly ever fight or argue, and have had practically no problems at all. I am unsure as of why Im not fully into this relationship, but for some reason a part of me isn’t. I sometimes find myself wanting to talk to other girls, and when I do I sometimes even get a little more flirty then I should. I have not cheated on my girlfriend, but I fear that if this keeps up, it is not an impossiblility. I feel terrible because this girl truly is fantastic in every single way, and I am her first Serious boyfriend that she has ever had.
I don’t know what I should do.. if I should talk to her about this and risk hurting her and possibly ruining the relationship, or if I should just wait it out and see what happens.. any advice would really be great. Thanks for your help

A: The situation you describe is usually not about the relationship. It’s about the timing. You haven’t been really single since you were 18. On top of that, you had a painful experience with the last girl. It could be that you didn’t give yourself enough time to recover and to assess what, if anything, you could have done differently. That’s important. When done well, self-reflection helps a person like you regain confidence and understand where you had some power and, yes, responsibility, for how things turned out.

At your age, it’s also important to gain enough experience with women that you know what you do and don’t want in a relationship. That comes from getting to know women as friends as well as as lovers. It comes from that old fashioned activity called “dating,” just going out with some people a few times to have a good time and to also learn what kind of women you connect to most easily and comfortably.

Your current girlfriend might be wonderful in many ways. But if you are still reacting to the last breakup, if you still feel like you could be taken in and hurt again, if you don’t really know what kind of person you are looking for, you may not be ready yet to be in another exclusive relationship.

In fairness to the girl, I think you should take a step back from exclusivity. Let her know how wonderful you think she is. Reassure her that stepping back is not about her. It’s about your desire to learn more about yourself and relationships before you give someone your heart. She may be willing to wait it out. But if not, it’s okay. Once you are ready, you’ll find the partner you want and need in your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’m starting to think there is something wrong with who I am. People seem to act coldly and distantly towards me. The group of friends that I call myself a part of don’t seem to want to be around me – I only see them at school, they often make plans to go out as a group, which I only find out about after they have already been done. They openly talk about ‘the fun they all had’ over the weekend in front of me. They don’t contact me outside of school. I have tried making new friends, but people tend to treat me weirdly when I talk to them and this has made me nervous about initiating conversations. I think it’s my fault, somehow, that they see something about me that I don’t realise and this makes me undesirable to be around.

I never really noticed it before, but I think it has been happening for my entire high school career. Now that I know, I am comparing my behaviour with everyone around me, seeing myself as ugly even though I didn’t before, and I have trouble sleeping because I lie awake in bed at night, considering all that is wrong with me that makes people not like me.

I know that I sound pathetic, but that’s not my aim. It’s like nothing I say or do comes across the way I want it to. I’m starting to dislike myself, and occasionally I will apologise to myself in the mirror for being the way I am.

I also think my teachers don’t like me, because I am quiet and I never participate in class and because I act very strangely. I get good marks, though, so I don’t know.

I think it goes without saying that I have never been in a romantic relationship.

A. To answer your question directly, there’s nothing wrong with who you are. You may be experiencing depression. You are beginning to dislike yourself. You see yourself as “ugly” and “undesirable.” You are blaming yourself for the behavior of others and assuming that you’re the problem in all situations.

People with depression don’t think highly of themselves. Their view of the world is negative and pessimistic. They tend to see themselves as a burden, believing that others would be better off without them. That line of thinking can lead someone to isolate and withdraw from the social world.

Your assessment of this situation may be inaccurate. Depression clouds judgment. You could benefit from therapy. A therapist would objectively analyze your life and determine what treatment is most appropriate. A therapist will assess your social situations, your friendships and the way you interact with others. He or she will also determine whether or not you have depression and if the symptoms are interfering with your relationships and social situations. It’s important to proactively begin treatment when distressing symptoms emerge. This problem can be easily corrected with the assistance of the right therapist and treatment. I hope you will consider professional help. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

Well I get bullied like CRAZY people throw apples at my head on the bus i get called a whale, useless, SPED (i am not special),ranga, faggot and most of the things you could think of.
My parents have told me they wish i was never born and even they call me useless and things makes me feel worthless because our parents should love us and care. When i tell my mother about being bullied she tells me to just learn to deal with it because she doesnt care my dad doesnt either.
I have a teacher at school i have been wanting to talk to but i get too scared she has asked me a few times if i was okay and what was wrong but i just say the usual im fine but im not im dying inside and it is starting to show on the outside.
So i mainly need help with telling my teacher EVERYTHING but im more scared about the home thing because i cant stand it much longer. it is school holidays for two weeks we are only three days in and im already going crazy :(
Thanks

A: I am so, so very sorry that you are being tormented at school and not supported at home. Sadly, not every kid gets the parent she deserves. You aren’t getting the love and the protection you need. You are not wrong to be angry and sad about it. But I’m sorry to say that you can’t make people love you who have big problems with loving. I wrote an article for kids like you that you might find helpful. Click here to read it.

When parents aren’t able to do what they should, it’s important to find other adults who care. You already have a teacher who is concerned. If you are too shy to talk to her directly, you could give her a copy of your letter and this response. She won’t be able to make your parents do what they should but she may be able to help you sort things out at school. If she can help you feel safe in school, you’ll have at least one place where you can grow into the mature and competent person you are meant to be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

I’ve taken the sites PD tests and got 38 on borderline, 23 on narcissist and 15 on psychopath. I’m having trouble building up courage to see a professional. But I was hoping for advice. I’m embarrassed if it is BPD as that’s a female disorder mainly?

I’ve been told this a numerous amount of times, more so these past years in my adulthood. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s prob best if I just say it anyway…

emotions
I get severe mood swings. This may be depression or anger. I rarely feel happiness. Usually this comes from comments other people make, even if they mean it as banter. I am often get drunk on vodka and coke the night before work purely because of a comment someone said in which they probably wouldn’t think twice of it. I get very angry at times and I need to bottle it in or I’d probably lose my job. I get depressed over slight comments of my appearance or attitude. I’ve “laughed” but I’ve never been “happy” or have I loved someone. I don’t even love my family, they were horrible to me and I hate how my little sister gets 30+ likes on a profile picture. I get very jealous easily usually when people are talking to each other.

need to be accepted
I feel the need to be accepted all the time. I will get depressed or angry if I get a vibe that someone doesn’t like me. Of course, often enough I find people do like me and I’m just being paranoid. I will sometimes make up lies, such as being a champion boxer or such just to make myself feel better. I will interact in all conversations and I need to be in the convos. If I’m left out, I feel depressed that they are leaving me out when they prob not. To make myself feel better, I need attention on things such as POF. I crashed my car and pretended someone else crashed into me, I did this so I wouldn’t feel embarrassed. I’ve told people I’m a doctor before and everyone believed my lies of good jobs and such. I tell people my secrets and get depressed when they don’t tell me there’s.

paranoia
I get very paranoid about the stupidest things. I will think my friends are against me when in reality they are not. I think people dislike me all the time and talk about me behind my back. I also get paranoid for stupid reasons such as if I said the wrong thing, losing my job. I also get paranoid that people don’t think I look good. I need reassurance a lot that I look good.

I… lack empathy and sympathy?
If someone I know is hurt, I rarely feel anything. I try to pretend to care but sometimes it’s painfully obvious. I just don’t see how I can care if I wasn’t there and I wasn’t involved in anyway. My grandfather died and I forced myself to cry for example. I haven’t always been void of empathy… I swear I had it as a kid. But it was adulthood when I realised, the only time I was “upset” was for myself. I never felt anything when other people were hurt or upset. I actually acknowledged it.

personality
People have told me I’m “very cocky”. I don’t see how this is though. I feel stupidly shy around people at times. For example, today I didn’t really know what to say to some girl I really like. Though, this same girl accuses me of being “very cocky”. Other people joke with her, but when I joke with her and laugh, she gets offended.

Despite this, I am a peoples person. I have tons of people on facebook and I make sure to go out in town and interact with people as much as possible. I have friends and I try to see them as much as possible.

I get depressed but I try to hide this behind a smile. I have very few hobbies and I get bored of things easily. I buy a new game for example and buy a new one afterwards.

relationships
I feel lonely and I want one I think. Though, when I get a girlfriend I don’t feel bothered nor the need to put any effort into it. In a way, I just want sex. I’ve had numerous partners but they don’t last long (some unprotected). If people are clearly attracted and interested in me, I grow distant.

My friendships is built around jealousy, paranoia and need for attention. One time I pretended to black out and scream at a friend because he was with a girl I liked. I then pretended within seconds I didn’t remember a thing. I wasn’t interested in the girl, I wanted to feel good about myself. I also feared losing my friend.

I sometimes use my friends for selfish needs. For example I will bring good looking friends out to attract girls, then I will go for the girls. I do this by mocking my friends.

I’ll note that despite my paranoia and stuff, I do have people talking to me a lot and despite my problems I always try to have a happy face and happy personality façade.

A. I’m not certain if you have a personality disorder. However, it seems clear that you are suffering. At the heart of the problem may be a lack of self-esteem. Abraham Maslow’s theory of human development and motivation explains that individuals who never felt loved attempt to fulfill that need in adulthood. It’s a constant search for external validation.

In your life, it seems as though you are continuously searching for external validation from others. You need to know that they approve of you. Any evidence of their disapproval bothers you. The idea that someone may not like you has even led you to drink to the point that you could have lost your job. That hypersensitivity is evidence that the opinion of others very much matters to you and controls your life.

Ideally, you should be immune to the opinion of others. It shouldn’t matter what other people think about you. Psychologically healthy people, those who do not lack self-esteem, feel good about themselves. They are not overly confident or cocky, they simply believe in themselves and their abilities.

Psychotherapy would greatly benefit you. It would give you the opportunity to analyze your life and also determine what specifically is making you unhappy. A psychotherapist can also analyze your interpersonal skills, evaluate your interactions with others and teach you how to properly meet your needs. Many people who have undergone psychotherapy report that it has significantly improved their lives. Psychotherapists are trained to deal with the very problems with which you struggle.

Finally, gaining a diagnosis can be useful in determining what treatment options one should pursue but psychiatric diagnosis is not an exact science. What’s most important is receiving the best available help to improve the quality of your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

My husband has trust issues, and therefore he divides himself into pieces and hands them to different women so if one piece is damaged he still has the other pieces safe. He can’t have one complete relationship-emotional and physical- with the same person. It took me a while to understand this and it hurt a lot at the beginning, but now I want to know if this can be fixed. He doesn’t want to go to therapy, he says he’s been there before and it doesn’t work. He says he is working on himself and I don’t believe so because he still does those things, but that makes me think he really sees there is a problem, which would be the first step to finding a solution. He had bad things happen to him as a kid and I think that’s where this comes from. What he does drives me nuts but I like all the rest. Sometimes I feel I won’t find a perfect person but I feel this can be fixed. Help, please?

A: I can understand the frustration of being with someone who is fragmented with their energy and commitment. While I am very much invested in the hope of making relationships work, I also know what it takes for someone struggling with your husband’s issue to come to terms with it.

The main problem is that he would have to invest his all in a therapist. This requires the same core dilemma as the issue itself and this creates the conundrum. I think the only real shot at this is a weekend couples therapy workshop. I have made this recommendation to couples with similar issues. If there is a chance for a correction, the short-term commitment of a weekend has promise for opening up the process of healing. Without a commitment to some therapy it is unlikely your husband will be motivated to change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral